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The TITLE, Part 2

June 3rd, 2008
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Xamfir

A Rant On Tape: As Read By XamfARRR!

XamFARRR: Yar, outside of the Four Dragons Casino in Sin City, SARRRah “The JobbARRR SlayARRR” and Trey Vincent walked towARRRd the front doors. The perfect sunny desert spring weathARRR would not deter Trey and SARRRah from enjoying the wailing police sirens in the distance. As they walked, Trey’s hand was in the back pocket of SARRRRah’s black leathARRRR pants. Kid Pirate stole my gimmick! Ahead of them, a man was washing windows on a laddARRR. Trey was about to walk under the laddARRR to get to the front door when SARRRah yanked him backwARRRd.

Sarah the Jobber Slayer

“Trey, that’s seven years of bad luck. And you remember what happened last time you walked under a ladder,” Sarah warned.

“Yeah, when was that, 2002? Right around the same time…I started working in BOB? The horror…the horror…”

Trey shoved his tongue in her mouth. Sarah shoved him away.

Trey Vincent

“Don’t pretend you’re John McCain. You know how that freaks me out.”

“We fucking at yer place or mine tonight? Why do I sound like a pirate again? XamfARRR! Quit it!”

Sarah rolled her eyes. “I’ll call you later,” she said.

“I’ve gotta go do a Rant against Mr. PARRR…*ahem* Mr. Paradox. And I promise I’ll talk to Seth and we’ll get this whole Studnuts thing sorted out,” Trey said as he began walking away backward. “Later!”

Sarah turned around and walked ahead. Before she even realized it, she had passed beneath the ladder.

“Oh, that can’t be good.”

As Sarah reached the front doors, they automatically parted, and a speeding black cat ran between her feet and out into the parking lot.

“Uh, hey, Sarah,” a nervous voice called from within the front doors of the hotel and casino.

“Hey, Door Man. How’s it going?”

“Good. I picked this for you,” he said smiling awkwardly. A five-leaf clover. Sarah cocked an eyebrow. Door Man was non-descript, definitely not a “hottie” in Sarah’s eyes. Thus, he gets no description in this rant, either.

“Anyway, hey, I was wondering if you might wanna hang out sometime. Maybe we could have a movie marathon. Guess what I just got?”

Door Man bent down and picked up a bag. He held it out to Sarah, who reluctantly reached inside and pulled out a stack of movies. “Friday The 13th.” All of them.

“Ladder. Black cat. Friday the 13th. Just, great,” Sarah sighed. “I need a drink. Is the bar open?”

“Yeah. I’m on a break in five minutes.”

“Good for you. Enjoy it. Bye-ee.”

Sarah was then stopped dead in her tracks by an odd sound. A sound that shouldn’t be heard in the middle of a hotel in the middle of the day in the middle of her Rant. The hooting of an owl. Not once. Not twice. But thrice! An owl was in a crate in the middle of a floor.

“Say, Door Man?”

“Yes, Sarah?”

“Why is this owl here?”

“Some zoo guy’s staying here, and he’s appearing on some local talk show with a bunch of animals. You know, like how those guys bring animals on David Letterman?”

Ignoring him, Sarah wandered toward the first-floor restaurant, which had just opened for lunch. She ordered a table for one and was led to a table by the hostess. As she sat down, she noticed some lovely red and white flowers in a vase.

A loud smash echoed through the restaurant. Several waiters and kitchen staff walked out, trying to find the source. One of the restaurants many mirrors had fallen, and glass littered the floor. Nobody had been near it when it fell.

Death

“Wow, that was weird,” said a gravelly voice in front of Sarah.

Death.

“What, haven’t you ever heard that if an undisturbed mirror suddenly falls and smashes, it means there will soon be a Death? Well, the proof is sitting right in front of you.”

“I ordered a table for one,” Sarah pouted. “So, what, you’re saying that I’m having bad luck today or something? Is your name Death or Duh?”

Sarah angrily grabbed her napkin. In the process, she knocked over both the salt and the pepper.

“Today sucks beyond the telling.”

Death chuckled. “So, who are you wrestling at UnFOURgiven after you lose to Steve Studnuts on iMPLOSION?”

“I’m so not losing. Sure, I may be a little unlucky today, but even on my unluckiest day, I’m way hotter and a much better wrestler than Studnuts. Not to mention, my Rants are much less vulgar.” Sarah dug into her shoulder bag and looked at her ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. “Pretty.”

Death got up from the table.

“I’ve gotta go. Oh, by the way, Sarah. Your bag’s on fire.”

Indeed it was.

“Shoot!” Sarah had knocked over a candle onto her bag. “Bad day. Baaaad bad day…”

That’s when Sarah’s cell phone rang.

“The Rant Zone is WHAT?”

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The TITLE, Part 1

May 13th, 2008
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Xamfarrr

The Title! A Rant On Tape: As Read By XamfARRR! Yarrrr! This be–

Sarah: (Voice) Read it right, Xamfir!

Xamfir: Fine. *Sigh*

[Sound of a door closing.]

Sarah The Jobber Slayer

Sarah “The Jobber Slayer” stood outside a Chinese restARRRant in Sin City’s Chinatown district. She was standing in the middle of the sidewalk, smoking on a cigARRRette and blowing at people passing by. She didn’t smoke. But she liked to annoy Chinese people. And there were so many Chinese people ARRound, it was just like a kid in an Annoy Chinese People Shop.

“We ARRRRe not in Cloudydale anymore.”

“Get outta de way, bronde bitch!” an angry man said, shouldering past BOB’s ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS. He fell to the sidewalk. “You twip me? Aw you out of your fwickin’ mind?”

“Small penis, much?” Sarah smiled widely at him.

The man grumbled, dusted himself off and walks away, flipping off Sarah as he went.

Trey Vincent

“Sarah!” a man’s voice called. “Yo, Sarah!”

Sarah turned to see her, what the hell WAS Trey Vincent to her anyway? Even SHE didn’t know. They weren’t friends. They weren’t partners. All they did was exchange various fluids. She stared at Trey, almost despising him as he made his way through the crowd of much shorter men and women around him. With a cocky smile, he grabbed her ARRRse, and they began walking.

“ARRRRe you sure we should move in together? This seems so sudden. Plus, couples who move in together always end up breaking up. Assuming we even ARRRRe a couple.”

“Huh?” Trey responded. He pulled earphones out of his ears.

“Nothing,” Sarah sighed. “So what’s the deal with this apARRRtment?”

“Why ARRRRe you talking like a pirate? Wait. Why am I talking like a pirate now?”

“Xamfir! Quit it!” Sarah shouted. Eep!

Trey cleared his throat. “Oh, it’s a steal. It’s got tons of space and it’s cheap as hell.”

“The catch,” Sarah asked.

“Oh, you know, murder-murder-murder-murder-murder-murder-suicide. Satanists may or may not have sacrificed some voodoo priests while peeing on an Indian burial ground in the basement and burying nuns’ bodies in the walls of the foundation. Nothing major though.”

Trey stops walking suddenly.

“What is it?” Sarah asked nervously.

“My hands. They’re possessed!” Trey grabs her breasts. “Well I’m a breast man. Whump whump. Yes I’m a breast man.”

“Trey, 1999 called. It said you’re totally lame. Besides. You’re not making the Chinese people uncomfortable enough. Did you bring a kendo stick? Maybe you could cane my ass?”

“Whoops. Wanna go to the Chinese school and see if they have one of those pointer sticks we could steal?”

“Nah, let’s walk this way,” Sarah said, yanking Trey by his T-shirt.

As they walked down the road, they noticed a couple sitting on a wall and making out near the graveyard. Trey and Sarah looked at each other and headed right for them. Once they were a few feet away, Trey jammed his hand into the front of his pants and began to pretend his was stroking himself. At least I HOPE he was pretending.

“Oh, baby. Don’t. Stop. Now!”

The girl screamed and ran. The guy ran after her. “Freak!”

“You’re making out in graveyard and I’m the freak? Scrub. Hey, don’t you have a match against The Domino you should be Ranting for?” Trey asked.

“Oh, right. The Domino sucks. I’m gonna win,” Sarah said flatly.

“What’s with the tape recorder?”

“I’m working on a novel-style roleplay.”

“Ahhh,” Trey said. “Hey, look, it’s a crumbling temple. Wanna go play with my dreidle?”

“Hey, look. Some guy is mourning over somebody. Isn’t that sad? Trey?”

Before Sarah even realized it, Trey was already in the graveyard.

“WAAAAAAAAH. My wife died. WAHHHHHHH. I have to raise my kids alone, WAHHHHHH!”

“What do I see in him,” Sarah wondered aloud. She pulled her over-the-shoulder bag around and looked inside to see the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. “Oh, right. Pretty.”

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New Year’s In Dimension Z

December 31st, 2003
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*We cut to Sir Zeno’s throne room, where an Ouroboros is hanging from the ceiling with a disco ball shoved in the center. The ruler of Dimension Z himself is sipping a martini while seated on a longer, leather-covered version of his couch-throne. Next to him is a blue-skinned, purple-eyed, and otherwise alien-but-still-human-looking woman in a long black dress. Various other bizarre entities mill around the room, occasionally making trips to a table of food and punch in the corner. Smiling, Sir Zeno finally looks into the camera.*

Sir Zeno: Good evening, creatures of Dimension E. I see that 2003 has finally pulled to a stop, and 2004 is just about to kick off. Amazing, isn’t it, that we’ve made it to this point? I am, of course, Sir Zeno, and this lovely lady is my friend and fellow monarch, Queen Mylisiv of Dimension G-4.

Queen Mylisiv: Thanks for inviting me, Zeno.

Sir Zeno: Anytime. The clock’s still ticking on 2003, but the party’s already started here in Dimension Z. And we have quite a show ahead of us! You see, at the stroke of midnight tonight, the Ouroboros that our dimension is balanced on will uncoil for exactly ten seconds!

Queen Mylisiv: But Zeno, won’t that destroy the dimension?

Sir Zeno: There will be a slight sense of inertia as we plummet, but it coils back up before any damage is dealt. In the end, the furniture may be slightly shaken, but otherwise nothing bad should happen. Besides, I daresay we’ll all be too drunk to care, don’t you?

*The laughter from the various creatures sounds slightly like Jason Voorhees being slammed by a truck while dismembering a live goose-pig.*

Sir Zeno: Gods, how I love your laugh, Mylisiv.

Queen Mylisiv: *She laughs again – she provided the goose-pig part earlier.*

Sir Zeno: Keep it up, dear. Now, not everybody could make it this year – Mr. Paradox is somewhere in Dimension E, Dr. Azathoth never RSVPed (and is missing, presumed stuck), Festering Death refused, and I never did receive a reply from Xamfir. Ah, well… Speaking of Mr. Paradox, I received a video card from him. Let’s watch.

*The screen cuts to Mr. Paradox riding in the back of an old pickup, his feet carefully rested atop his combat boots.*

Mr. Paradox: This is what I get for having a grudge, I guess. Either way, here I am, somewhere in Lousiana, getting a ride to New Orleans. Once I get there, who knows where I’ll go next? All I know is that somewhere in this country, I’ll find Studnuts… and then I can kill him for dishonoring me. Until that day comes, happy new year, Sir Zeno.

*The scene cuts back to the throne room, as the other guests mingle behind the throne. Daft Punk can be heard playing quietly in the background. Queen Mylisiv has rested her head on Sir Zeno’s shoulder, as he now sips a glass of vodka.*

Sir Zeno: Thank you, Mr. Paradox. I’m certain you’ll get revenge yet. Say, Mylisiv…

Queen Mylisiv: What, Zeno?

Sir Zeno: What’s your resolution for this year?

Queen Mylisiv: To finally take complete control of my family’s finances and to kill Ultimo Dragon. Yours?

Sir Zeno: To continue successfully ruling Dimension Z.

*Cut to Mr. Paradox, in a New Orleans bar.*

Mr. Paradox: To get my revenge and to score with that brunette with the low-cut dress and see-through bra.

*Cut to Nucleo, the Not-Quite-Living Robot, cleaning up after Slimelord Ugga.*

Nucleo: TO-ESCAPE-THIS-HELLHOLE.

*Cut to a live feed from the Senate.*

Reporter: Senator Mudmick, what’s your New Year’s resolution?

Drunken Wisconsin Senator: Ummmm… Pershonally, I intend to shqueeze da poor!

*Cut back to the throne room, as the partygoers begin to don their pointy hats, and Mylisiv is now sucking on Sir Zeno’s neck.*

Sir Zeno: That was interesting, wasn’t it? Well, I’m afraid our timeslot has finally run out, so until next time, this is Sir Zeno, wishing you all the best of luck for 2004.

*The music turns up, Sir Zeno kisses Queen Mylisiv on the lips, and we fade to black. The preceding has been a Dimension Z Television production. All rights reserved.*

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The Cloudydale Penguins

December 5th, 2002
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Sarah The Jobber Slayer

It was a dark and forboding night in Cloudydale. As usual. Sarah “The Jobber Slayer” was out on a stroll around town. The backyard rings were quiet tonight. Probably the giant snow storm. But snow never stopped Sarah from strolling. Jobbers never sleep. Except when they do. Usually when there’s not a BOB rant or show in progress.

Sarah trudged through the snow on the dark and forboding, cold and snowy night, through several inches of snow. Then, in the distance, she saw a human-like figure heading toward her. As she got closer, she discovered it was another woman out on a walk. Now, this being Cloudydale, a place crawling with jobbers….Sarah was quite suspcious.

As the two women slowly fought their way through the wind, snow and dark forboding of the night, their eyes met.

“Are you a j-j-j-jobber?” Sarah asked, her teeth chattering.

“What?”

“ARE YOU A JOBBER!”

“No!”

“YOU SURE?”

“YEAH. I’m just a valet. Of this jobber named Xamfir!”

“Z-Z-Z-Xamfir?” Sarah asked, wrapping her arms around herself in an attempt to get warm. “Did I miss some p-p-p-plot development?”

“APPARENTLY!”

“Hmm. Wanna get out of these wet clothes?”

“Oh God. Are you his lesbian friend?”

“Huh? No. I’m S-S-Sarah. And I’m highly regretting not wearing my heated p-p-panties tonight.”

“Sarah. The Jobber Slayer?”

“What? You know about me? Man, this secret identity thing just stops working once you get on TV.”

“I know everything that is, was and ever will be. And Sarah….”

“Yes?”

“Umm…sorry, I forgot my line…”

Sarah rolled her eyes. “Gee, you’d think with knowing everything that is, was and ever will be, you’d know your LINES!”

“No need to get snippy!”

“Yes there is! I’m cold. I don’t have a boyfriend. The BOB pay-per-view hasn’t aired yet. And my ex-boyfriend has gone insane, claiming that something bad is about to rise in BOB.”

“Oh, right. There is. A dark power is growing.” Putting on her deep, dark, scary voice, Jeannie spoke the words that touched Sarah to her very soul: “From sixty-four, down to one.”

“From….Little Good said the same thing. But what does it mean?”

Jeannie grabbed Sarah by both arms. “In terms you can understand: Serious badness.”

Suddenly, Jeannie and Sarah weren’t alone in the snow storm. There were four jobbers ready to strike. But not just ANY kind of jobbers.

Jobbers in penguin suits!

“The freaks come out at night,” Sarah said. “OK boys. We can do this the easy way, or…”

They all pulled out fluroscent bulbs wrapped in barbed wire.

“Ohhhhhhhhh-kay,” Sarah said. “A new backyard fed in town?”

“That’s right. The Super Deth Kill Backyard Wrestling Federation!” one of the penguins said.

“WE’RE HARDKORE!”

Sarah slowly reached into her long, trenchcoat pocket and pulled out a handful of banana peels.
WHIP. “Ahhhh! Get it off!!” one of the men cried. But WHIP, WHIP, WHIP! All four of the penguins had banana peels stuck to their faces! Sarah seized the opportunity as some kickass fight music piped on to kick, kick, kick and kick some more. Spin kick on the first man.

“Now, not only can you penguins not fly,” CRACK went his kneecap, “you can’t ever job again!”

But there were three more to deal with. Sarah evaded a barbed wire bulb, slipping on the snow in the process as Jeannie looked at her watch impatiently. Sarah slid around and leg swept one man and the rest fell over like bowling pins. Sarah grabbed a handful of snow and threw it at them.

“AHHH! I’M BLIND!” one of the men cried.

“Hey, you’re playing DIRTY,” one of the others complained.

“I’m a dirty girl,” she said from her fight stance.

And then she flew through the air, kicking him in the midsection.

“Just say no to,” CRACK. “Oopsie.” There went his kneecap.

Two left. They got up, one of the men still blinded by the snow in the eyes trick. The other one still had a frozen banana peel stuck to his nose. That had to be hurting his oxygen intake. His breathing. Yeah. Sarah was surrounded.

They charged.

She ducked down and extended her fists.

Groin shots.

Both men bent over in pain. Sarah hit a double Jobber Dropper, crushing their faces into the snow. Sarah quickly managed to go after their legs and CRACK, CRACK.

“Phew,” Sarah said wiping her brow with a snowy glove. “That warmed me right up.”

“Where did the jobbers go?” Jeannie asked.

“Once their legs are broken, they just, disappear.”

“Huh. Oh well. Well…none of this will matter after it all comes down to one.”

Sarah stared at her. Then she rolled her eyes. “Let me guess…”

TO BE CONTINUED…

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Wishes, Gravy and Madness

November 19th, 2002
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Xamfir paced back and forth in his little apartment. He had put his clothes back on, at the wishmistress’ request. She stood on the bed, staring down at Xamfir as he paced, in deep thought.

“I’ll call you Jeannie. That’s a very sexy name.”

“That’s what you’ve been thinking about for the last hour? I thought you were trying to come up with three wishes I will grant you which, in an ironic twist, also bring horrible, unspeakable tragedies to balance out the scales.”

“Umkay. Anyway,” Xamfir kneeled down under the bed and pulled out a shoebox. Inside, was a scrolled up piece of paper. So thick, it could have passed as a roll of double-ply toilet paper. Oh wait. That IS a roll of toilet paper.

“I need to go make a number 2,” Xamfir said before running into the bathroom.

Jeannie rolled her eyes. “Of all the people in all the world to buy the little tea pot, why did HE have to buy it?

[Sarah’s house.]

“I’m your sister,” the girl outside the front door said.

“Oh, OK,” Sarah said.

Styles and Kay Fabe nodded in agreement, as if that announcement made total sense. And it did! After all, THEY’RE SISTERS! Sisters know that sort of stuff.

“We were gonna go to the mall to help Kay try on referee shirts for her gravy and potato bowl match. Wanna come with?”

“No, I’m good here. Got tons of unpacking to do.” She stepped aside to reveal an orange and white U-Haul truck in the driveway.

“Kay Fabe says there’s no way to get our car out of the driveway with that truck in the way.”

“Pardon, me, but, um, you HAVE a car?”

They all looked at the driveway. No car there.

“Well, that was completely pointless,” Styles said flatly.

“Do you want Kay Fabe to lay the carpet down? Do you want to go ONE, on, ONE, with the LESBIAN!”

“Settle down Beavis,” Butt-Head said from somewhere.

Everyone laughed.

“Thanks Butt-Head.”

“Huh-huh-huh, huh-huh-huh,” was the reply from nowhere in particular.

[At a hospital.]

“This is a rather, tricky and experimental treatment. Are you sure you’re up to it?” a doctor asked a patient.

“Bloody right I’m sure,” the man answered. He was laying down on a metal table in a doctor’s office. All we could see was his peroxide colored hair. Take a guess who it is.

“OK,” the doctor said a bit nervously. “If you’re sure this will help.”

The doctor went over to his tray of tools. His hand passed over a pair of scissors, knives, scalpels, a hammer, a screwdriver, dental floss, duct tape and eventually came to a little vial with a bunch of little moving black objects inside.

“I want this CHIP outta my brain doc. Then I can truly be evil. Completely evil. Evilly evil. Ya dig?”

“All accept the ‘ya dig’ part, yes.” Carefully, the doctor inserted a straw into the vial with the little black objects. He then walked back over to the mysterious person with a chip in his brain.

“This may tickle a little bit.”

The doctor stuck the straw up his nose.

“Pretend you’re snorting some coke.”

“What?” the blonde-haired patient asked.

“Oh, sorry. I thought everyone hadnevermind. Um. Just inhale deeply.”

He did.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!”

[Back at Xamfir’s.]

“Okay,” Xamfir said, finally ready to get down to business.

He took out a green three-ring binder filled with paper. You could even say overfilled. On the front cover, it said THINGS TO WISH FOR IN CASE I FIND A GENIE IN A BOTTLE.

“Wish number one. I wish you to only do MY bidding.”

“D’oh!” was her response.

“Number two. I wish you to be my sex slave!”

“Oh man,” she sighed. “Why did I let Mom convince me this was a good career choice. I’m ever so screwed.”

“Not yet you aren’t,” Xamfir said with a grin. “Kissing my virginity goodbye! And for my third and *ahem* FINAL *titter* wish *snort* I wish for INFINITE WISHES!”

“Oh my God. This is SO unfair. Of all the people to get, I get a guy who has been planning his whole life to find a genie in a bottle.”

“Well, that’s a good enough start. Now” Xamfir raised his eyebrows and took off his shirt. Revealing his nice big belly.

Jeannie shook her head. Robot-like, she answered her call. “Yes master. May I have sex with you now?”

“OH WAIT!” Xamfir belted out. “Before we have hot monkey sex, there are a couple things I want to wish for.”

“Yes master?”

“I wish I will win the world’s smallest battle royal at A Chance Would Be A Fine Thing.”

“Done,” Jeannie said.

“And, I wish that A Chance Would Be A Fine Thing would be posted on the BOB site by the end of the week.”

Jeannie laughed hysterically.

[Back at Sarah’s house.]

“So your name is Dusk huh?” Kay asked.

“Yep,” Dusk, Sarah’s sister answered. She’s her sister ya know?

“There are two things that go down every night. One is the sun. The other is”

“KAY!” Sarah yelled.

“Exactly!” Kay answered.

“Don’t hit on my sister! She’s only…um”

“Sixteen! WHY DO YOU ALWAYS FORGET MY BIRTHDAY! I HATE YOU! WHY DO YOU PEOPLE HATE ME SO MUCH!”

“We don’t even know you,” Styles said.

“Oh, right. Guess I’m jumping ahead a bit. My bad.”

“It’s OK,” Sarah said hugging her sister. Dusk.

“Well,” Kay said. “I’m going to cook dinner. Want to help me Dusk?”

“Um, OK?”

“Fantastic,” Kay smiled. “Let’s go to the kitchen.” Kay grabbed Dusk’s hand and started leading her away. “Now, so you don’t get anything on your shirt, maybe you should take it off.”

“No, thanks, that’s OK,” Dusk said nervously.

“Well, OK,” Kay said.

Once they were out of the room, it should’ve been time to gossip about the new arrival. But instead

The front door OPENED. Slowly. So slowly that Sarah and Styles consulted their watches a couple of times and sighed a combined five times. Just waiting. Sarah wasn’t in the mood for drama so she walked over and opened it.

Little Good was on the front steps, his head in his hands. He began ranting and raving.

“I have seen the bloody future,” he said rocking back and forth. “Bodies falling. Upsets. Tossers. Mass chaos. Power struggles. Basketballs. Title changes. Lies. Deceit. Pain. Agony. Cheering crowds. Riots. Bugger! Slam dunks!”

VERY SCARY MUSIC SUDDENLY CAME ON.

Little Good looked up at Sarah and Styles, eyes filled with terror.

He pointed up. “From sixty-four,” he then pointed down, “down to one.”

He then tipped over and rolled up into a ball.

“Well, he’s quite mad,” Styles said.

TO BE CONTINUED

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Catching Up

November 7th, 2002
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Cloudydale. A place that Sarah “The Jobber Slayer,” Kay Fabe and Xamfir (and Styles and Little Good to a lesser extent) put on the map. Granted, not Rand McNally’s map, but on the parody e-wrestling map. The place is legendary, giving us the beautiful Sarah, the hot lesbian Kay and, well, the other guys. Do you even remember the last time this group was together? If so, you’re a loser, because even I, the writer, don’t remember their last exploits. But tonight, that all changes. Because it is time, to head back, to Cloudydale!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So let’s get to it:

Xamfir was out antiqueing in some dusty old shop in town. He was looking over various items on a shelf, including pots, pans, glasses, bongs and dildos, when he noticed a tea kettle on the bottom shelf.

“Wow, a dirty tea kettle!”

He went up to the register and put down the tea kettle. The woman behind the counter looked down at the kettle, then up at Xamfir.

“Are you SURE, you want to buy this tea kettle?”

“No,” Xamfir said. “I mean, yes. I mean. I don’t know.”

The woman smiled. “This will be too easy for you,” she said patting the handle of the kettle.
Xamfir looked down at the kettle.

“MWAHAHAHA,” the woman began to laugh. “That will be $20. MWAHAHAHAHA.”

“What’s so funny?” Xamfir asked. “Is this a cursed tea kettle or something?”

“No,” she said with one last snort. “But, on a completely unrelated note, ALL SALES FINAL!” After putting the money in her drawers, she bagged his kettle. “Thank you. Come again.”

Xamfir slowly walked out the door as the lady MWAHAHAHAed a couple more times.

“This can’t be good,” Xamfir said.

Cue that opening theme song, “Temptation Waits.” Hey, I remember when that happened. Oh that was a good promo. LOL! Oh man, that was funny. This Rant stars Sarah. Kay Fabe. Xamfir. And special guest star…..STYLES! The Slayaholics are back baby! WOOOO!

“I’ll send an SOS to the world, I’ll send an SOS to the world, I hope that someone gets my, I hope that someone gets my, I hope that someone gets my message in a bottle,” sang out Sting’s beautiful voice.

Meanwhile, another beautiful thing was in the room. Er, person. Sarah “The Jobber Slayer.” She sat against the pillows in her bed, knees curled up to her lovely chest, just listening to the music.

And staring at her target on the wall.

Trey Vincent. With a big red circle and a bulls eye around his cocky face.

Knock, knock.

Sarah looked up. Kay Fabe was standing there in nothing but a white towel. Her voluptuous milk-white breasts wanted to just spill over the towel, or maybe I’m just wishing that would happen, but they didn’t.

“FINALLYKay Fabe, HAS COME BACKTo Sarah’s room. Hello Sarah.”

“Hey Kay.”

“What in the pink hell is wrong with you?” Kay asked.

“I dunno. It’s just…with Angel going back to Heaven, I’m just feeling kinda…”

“Horny?” Kay said licking her lips with the Lesbian’s Tongue.

“No, God,” she said all disgusted-like. “I feel like I’ve lost my smile for efedding.”

“You had a smile?”

“I want to do some goodness with my newly won booking power. But I don’t know what I should do first. All I know is I want to get rid of Trey Vincent, Steve Studnuts and Seth Harker and get back to what I do best. Slaying jobbers. They SO screwed up my gimmick.”

Sarah stared at Vincent’s smiling face on her wall.

“Well, Kay Fabe will be in the bathtub with her hot gravy.”

Sarah raised both her eyebrows.

“You heard the Lesbian opening all those cans of gravy before, right?”

“Ahh. Is that what you were up to,” Sarah said, sounding a bit relieved. “Didn’t know we had an electric can opener.”

Kay looked puzzled. “We don’t.”

Now Sarah was puzzled.

“Want to come with? Kay Fabe could pin you in the gravy and then try to count three.”

“I’ll pass. But we’re still on for later. I will help you try out referee shirts at the mall.”

“Cool.”

Meanwhile, Xamfir got back to his basement apartment. He tipped his sack over and the kettle fell out onto the bed. He looked at it, then quickly pulled off his shoes, pants, underwear and shirt and sat on the bed. He used his shirt and began rubbing.

THE KETTLE!

Man, you guys are sick.

As he began rubbing, harder and harder, faster and faster, a strange thing happened.
Something came out.

OF THE KETTLE! How many times do.forget it.

It was an amorphous form. It oozed out from the tip.

STOP IT PEOPLE!

And slowly began to take shape. Before Xamfir.

It was a hot woman with shortish blonde hair. She was dressed like a genie. Oddly enough, she just might have been one.

“Hello. I am your wishmaster. Your wish is my command.”

Naked Xamfir looked up at her, mouth hanging open. Perhaps wondering if he should do the Snoopy dance, or something far more important. Something that could change his life forever. And ever. AND EVER!

But you won’t know because Sarah and Kay are about to head out the front door of Sarah’s house, where apparently, Sarah and Kay are roommates, for more plot development.

But no time for minor details like that, because Styles burts in!

“OH MY GOD! Sarah, don’t you want me to be your Commentator anymore?”

Sarah shrugs. “No big. You can go announce matches and say Oh my god and all that goodness. It’s all gravy.”

“Kay Fabe was just NAKED in a bathtub full of gravy! So if you smell what Kay Fabe is cooking. It’s gravy.”

“Wanna come to the mall?” Sarah asked Styles.

“Sure.”

They opened the door.

There was a beautiful, thin, teen-age girl with long brown hair there. Looking kinda awkward.

“Who are you?” Sarah asked.

“I’m your sister.”

[To be continued….]

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The Chimichanga Champion Has A Fight With Madison Bell

September 18th, 2002
Comments Off on The Chimichanga Champion Has A Fight With Madison Bell

KYfabeLzzy: So Kay Fabe and Madison bell have…come together again

Swimfan4u: sure

KYfabeLzzy: How are you honey?

Swimfan4u: What’s Your Name?

KYfabeLzzy: Kay Fabe, we went over this already

Swimfan4u: yup

KYfabeLzzy: Don’t act like you don’t remember the sexiest lesbian in parody sports entertainment today

Swimfan4u: Ahhh.

KYfabeLzzy: Remember now?

Swimfan4u: Oh.

KYfabeLzzy: How is Madison Bell this evening?

Swimfan4u: Fine as far as I know.

KYfabeLzzy: could you be doing better?

Swimfan4u: It’s possible.

KYfabeLzzy: Kay Fabe would like to try

Swimfan4u: Why would you want to do try? May you get your wish.

KYfabeLzzy: Kay Fabe’s wish is for us to both be nude again together

Swimfan4u: Have u told many people that your wish is for us to both be nude again together?

KYfabeLzzy: Kay Fabe is telling you

Swimfan4u: I thought you were, but I wasn’t completely sure.

KYfabeLzzy: Does that turn you on?

Swimfan4u: What do u think?

KYfabeLzzy: it turns you on

Swimfan4u: “It” being what?

KYfabeLzzy: Kay Fabe

Swimfan4u: For u Xamfir?

KYfabeLzzy: Xamfir?

Swimfan4u: So what else do u want 2 know?

KYfabeLzzy: Xamfir?

Swimfan4u: What else can I tell u?

KYfabeLzzy: are you cheating on Kay Fabe with Xamfir?

Swimfan4u: couldn’t say for sure.

KYfabeLzzy: Madison…Kay Fabe is hurt

Swimfan4u: What else do u wanna talk about?

KYfabeLzzy: why are you chatting with Xamfir?

Swimfan4u: not sure why. why is anybody chatting with Xamfir?

KYfabeLzzy: Kay Fabe has no idea

Swimfan4u: Cool. Ask me another questions

KYfabeLzzy: Do you know what Kay Fabe’s name is?

Swimfan4u: Nope, tell me about him, her or it.

KYfabeLzzy: Kay Fabe’s name is Kay Fabe

Swimfan4u: Hi there Kay Fabe.

KYfabeLzzy: *cries*

Swimfan4u: Um….not to change the subject, but do u know Ben Cronin?

KYfabeLzzy: yes

Swimfan4u: Isn’t he great? He’s such an awesome swimmer, and we’re going to get married someday.

KYfabeLzzy: You’re cheating on Kay Fabe with Ben too?

Swimfan4u: U think? I’m cheating on him or her with Ben.

KYfabeLzzy: Does he make you hot?

Swimfan4u: Suppose he does.

KYfabeLzzy: *cries*

Swimfan4u: Cool. Ask me another questions

KYfabeLzzy: you bitch

Swimfan4u: that’s not cool.

KYfabeLzzy: well sorry

Swimfan4u: Whatever u say sorry

KYfabeLzzy: I just want us to be happy again

Swimfan4u: sure

KYfabeLzzy: don’t you?

Swimfan4u: Sometimes.

KYfabeLzzy: I know it’s complicated

Swimfan4u: How do you know?

KYfabeLzzy: You feel it too

Swimfan4u: Yep I feel a lot of things.

KYfabeLzzy: I want you to feel me again

Swimfan4u: sure

KYfabeLzzy: oh, Madison

Swimfan4u: Take it easy. So what else do u want 2 know?

KYfabeLzzy: I love you

Swimfan4u: Thanks I like you a lot too Kay Fabe.

KYfabeLzzy: oh baby

Swimfan4u: don’t call me baby.

KYfabeLzzy: you’re so hot

Swimfan4u:† Thx, sweetie… what do u look like?

KYfabeLzzy: Kay Fabe has hear red hair straight down and is wearing one of Kay Fabe’s shirts

Swimfan4u: So what else do u want 2 know?

KYfabeLzzy: what do u look like?

Swimfan4u: I’m about 5’6″ and my hair is strawberry blonde. What do u look like?

KYfabeLzzy: we’re the same height!

Swimfan4u: Really?

KYfabeLzzy: yes

Swimfan4u: Cool… so tell me more

KYfabeLzzy: my hair is fiery red

Swimfan4u: Where did u get your hair is fiery red?

KYfabeLzzy: from Kay Fabe’s mother

Swimfan4u: Who or what is Kay Fabe s mother?

KYfabeLzzy: a woman who gave birth to the greatest parody sports entertainer today

Swimfan4u: Ahhh.

KYfabeLzzy: Kay Fabe also got her mother’s tongue

Swimfan4u: What else do u wanna talk about?

KYfabeLzzy: are you clean shaven tonight?

Swimfan4u: couldn’t say for sure.

KYfabeLzzy: feel your legs

Swimfan4u: Yeah… pretty much

KYfabeLzzy: feel me again

Swimfan4u: sure

KYfabeLzzy: OH

Swimfan4u: Yikes!

KYfabeLzzy: OH

Swimfan4u: I don’t judge people.

KYfabeLzzy: i’m so hot

Swimfan4u: ” You are?

KYfabeLzzy: yeah

Swimfan4u: Come on.

KYfabeLzzy: I’m coming

Swimfan4u: I don’t know anyone named .

KYfabeLzzy: touch me

Swimfan4u: Whatever.

KYfabeLzzy: right there

Swimfan4u: Yep.

KYfabeLzzy: right there

Swimfan4u: Yep.

KYfabeLzzy: OH GOD

Swimfan4u: Hey. Uh huh…

KYfabeLzzy: OH GOD

Swimfan4u: Ah. Uh huh…

KYfabeLzzy: OH GOD

Swimfan4u: So? Uh huh…

KYfabeLzzy: OH GOD

Swimfan4u: Er. Uh huh…

KYfabeLzzy: OH GOD

Swimfan4u: Dude! Uh huh…

KYfabeLzzy: I’M COMING

Swimfan4u: It’s good to meet someone who is .

KYfabeLzzy: GOD

Swimfan4u: Uh huh…

KYfabeLzzy: GOD

Swimfan4u: Uh huh…

KYfabeLzzy: GOD

Swimfan4u: Uh huh…

KYfabeLzzy: FASTER FASTER

Swimfan4u: Cool. Ask me another questions

KYfabeLzzy: FASTER

Swimfan4u: Are u in high school?

KYfabeLzzy: FASTER

Swimfan4u: What else do u wanna talk about?

KYfabeLzzy: YOUR FINGERS

Swimfan4u: So u say I’m FINGERS.

KYfabeLzzy: YOU LOVE ME I KNOW IT

Swimfan4u: Who ARE you?! I HATE you!!

KYfabeLzzy: YOU LOVE ME

Swimfan4u: Yep Kay Fabe Madison Bell loves everyone and everything.

KYfabeLzzy: TELL ME YOU LOVE ME

Swimfan4u: I thought I told u already.

KYfabeLzzy: TELL ME AGAIN

Swimfan4u: sure

KYfabeLzzy: DO YOU LOVE KAY FABE

Swimfan4u: Yep Kay Fabe Madison Bell loves everyone and everything.

KYfabeLzzy: OH MY

Swimfan4u: Ahem. Okaaayyy… What else is on your mind?

KYfabeLzzy: Kay Fabe doesn’t want you to be mad again

Swimfan4u: sure

KYfabeLzzy: so we’re cool

Swimfan4u: Hurrah! Really?

KYfabeLzzy: cool

Swimfan4u: glad u like it. Tell your friends!

KYfabeLzzy: *runs away crying*

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Finally, Kay Fabe, HAS COME BACK to the Rant Zone

August 13th, 2002
Comments Off on Finally, Kay Fabe, HAS COME BACK to the Rant Zone

[Backstage at some arena. Or maybe it’s in a school. Who knows? All we can see is a wall. And on that wall is a piece of white rectangular paper. And on the paper is written a name. The name of Kay Fabe. But this time, THE HOT ONE is standing in front of it. A Kay Fabe chant breaks out. She is standing next to a man with a pair of undies on his head. Why, it’s none other than Xamfir! Oops, did this bit already, it’s MEEEEEEAHHHHH!]

MEEEEEEAHHHHH: Well, Kay, the first question on everyone’s mind, is what’s going on inside of you?

[Kay, who is dressed up in a very low cut Laying The Carpet Down T-shirt and has her beautiful red hair down today, pulls her sunglasses down a touch to look MEEEEEEAHHHHH in the eyes.]

KF: Despite the rumors, Kay Fabe is NOT on the rag!

[Crowd pops!]

KF: Which means Kay Fabe is not REALLY pissed off, but Kay Fabe is still pissed.

MEEEEEEAHHHHH: No, I meant, INSIDE of you. With The Domino thing? It’s a character development point?

KF: Ah, the lesbian smells like your cooking. It smells like a skunk took a dump! That’s what Kay Fabe says about you and your character development. Look at you, with your little undies on your head. But fine, you want to know how Kay Fabe and The Domino are getting along. Kay Fabe says we have meshed. We are one. Kay Fabe had the wrestling talent but was boring. She needed an edge.

MEEEEEEAHHHHH: Then why didn’t you channel the spirit of an Edge parody? You know, like Side? You know, Baptist’s partner.

KF: An edge, not Edge you panflute playing, masturbating, never gonna be laying Kay!

MEEEEEEAHHHHH: NOOOOOO. That made no sense! All you do is rip off The Domino!

KF: Kay Fabe and The Domino are like a married couple, without any of the disgusting man parts. We are soul mates. Literally. He gave me an attitude. Kay Fabe has the sports entertaining ability. And together, Kay Fabe is going to the MAIN EVENT! Need proof jabronie? Just look at this upcoming NAGAM!

MEEEEEEAHHHHH: So what are your thoughts on fighting the Undietaker?

KF: Well, he walks around, trying to be like the Hot One, but he isn’t the Hot One and never will be the sexiest lesbian in parody sports entertainment today. He walks around with those two tall retards, trying to be a big shot, trying to be like Kay Fabe, but Undietaker, you will never. And Kay Fabe means EVER. Be more than a rooooody pooooo, candy ass! And you walk around with those handis, Kay Fabe wipes her ass with your handis. Booda, booda, booda, ah shut yer mouths jabronies!

[Crowd cheers.]

MEEEEEEAHHHHH: MRGH!

KF: Know your role and shut your hole, jabronie. All you care about is undies and stealing undies and taking over the world. Well let Kay Fabe tell you something. Get ready. Because your candy ass is NEXT. Jabronie, JUST BRING IT! (she says doing the gesture with her hand, palm up, pulling her fingers towards her body, opening and closing them with a chickish bad ass look on her face.)

KF: The Hot One doesn’t care about your troubles with the Real Undietaker, Fake Undietaker, New Undietaker, Dead Undietaker, Crusty Undietaker, BVD, DVD, DMD, MP3, Calvin Klein, or any of those Fruits of the Loom! Because, without a shadow of a doubt, Kay Fabe is going to walk down the lesbian’s aisle, walk up the lesbian’s steps, get in the lesbian’s ring, and proceed to lay the carpet down on your undie stealing, wheeling, dealing, Undiemobile riding, Chef Boyundie Ravioli and Undie-flaking eating ass!

Now you’re talking like you’re gonna steal the lesbian’s panties? There’s only one thing you’re gonna take from Kay Fabe. And that is the single WORST beating of your life! But the Hot One’s got news for you Undietaker. You will never. And KAY FABE MEANS NEVER, steal Kay Fabe’s bra.

[She pauses and looks around. She then licks her lips seductively. MEEEEEEAHHHHH gasps as his tongue hangs out. Crowd is popping like trained dogs.]

KF: Because, Undietaker, Kay Fabe does not, WEAR, a bra.

[MEEEEEEAHHHHH tips over. Kay Fabe looks down at him. She bends over, revealing a LOT of cleavage (did somebody get a little enhancement in her time away from the rant zone?) She picks up the mic and puts it to her lips and pauses.]

KF: If you weren’t unconscious MEEEEEEAHHHHH, no would hear, that THEY, are chanting HER name!

Crowd: Kay Fabe! Kay Fabe! Kay Fabe! Kay Fabe!

KF: To me, Undietaker, you are 300 plus pounds of crap in a five pound bag with a Mickey Mouse haircut. And it’s time to take out the trailer trash. So I’m gonna take you down Domino Rally Drive at the corner of Tip Over Avenue and we can stop into Domino’s Pizza and smell what Dominoes is cooking.

MEEEEEEAHHHHH: NOOOOO!

KF: So just bring it with the woman of a thousand catchphrases and T-shirts. Go one, on one, with the HOT ONE, and get your monkey ass made famous. Damnit MEEEEEEAHHHHH, are you looking at the lesbian’s pie?

MEEEEEEAHHHHH: Um, yeah (he says ashamed). Your skirt is so short, and, honestly Kay, I’ve never even looked at you this way before.

KF: Do you want to feel Kay’s Bottom?

MEEEEEEAHHHHH: Do I!

KF: Do you want to taste, The Lesbian’s Tongue?

MEEEEEEAHHHHH: Do I!

KF: That’s too bad jabronie. Get into a match with me.

[The crowd laughs. MEEEEEEAHHHHH runs down the hall, asking if anyone has any change so he can call the BigBOSS.]

KF: So Undietaker. You seem to like those handis of yours. So Kay Fabe’s gonna tell you what she’s gonna do. She’s gonna take those handis. Gonna dump a ton of KY Jelly on them. Make ’em nice and lubed. Then she’s gonna bend you over, and stick both of those handis right up your monkey ass!!!!!!!

[She inhales deeply.]

KF: IF YA SMELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL. LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL. LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL. LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLALALALALALALALALALALALA. AWHELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL. LALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALA. OWWWWWWW. What the lesbian…is cookin’.

[She drops the mic as “Queer” begins to blast and we pan the cheering crowd full of Kay Fabe signs.]

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Waiting for Kay Fabe to Come Back to the Rant Zone

August 13th, 2002
Comments Off on Waiting for Kay Fabe to Come Back to the Rant Zone

[Backstage at some arena. Or maybe it’s in a school. Who knows? All we can see is a wall. And on that wall is a piece of white rectangular paper. And on the paper is written a name. The name of Kay Fabe. Then, a Kay Fabe chant breaks out. Then, a man with a pair of undies on his head walks into the shot. Why, it’s none other than Xamfir! Or is it? Let’s see!]

???: Hello everyone. My name is MEEEEEEAHHHHH! And I’m BOB’s newest undie-rviewer. MEEEEEEAHHHHH! Hey, ya think we can fix my name now that I’m not a mystery anymore?

[Eh. Fine.]

MEEEEEEAHHHHH: Ah, much better.

[Blow me Xamfir.]

MEEEEEEAHHHHH: Anyways. We are here today, backstage live in (he puts a hand over his mouth and mumbles something).

[Crowd POPS like crazy.]

MEEEEEEAHHHHH: And we are just moments away from interviewing the sexiest red-headed lesbian witch possibly possessed by a dead parody sports entertainer. Yeah. Or something like that. But, fans, STAY TUNED, because the HOT ONE will be back with me, right after this commercial break!

[Um, Xamfir?]

MEEEEEEAHHHHH: What?

[This is a promo. We don’t have commercial breaks.]

MEEEEEEAHHHHH: Oh. Right. Well, I, uh. OK.

[MEEEEEEAHHHHH pulls out a panflute and starts playing. Until Urine walks into the shot!]

Urine: What are you doing, uncle?

MEEEEEEAHHHHH: I’m not your uncle.

[Urine is in a yellow Uri-Nation T-shirt and has a Urine Still Pees bandana on his head. He now has bleached his evil black hair bright yellow.]

Urine: You know it really doesn’t matter if I’m your uncle or not, uncle, cuz you see uncle, I have stared Death in the face, uncle, and you know something uncle, it change my life uncle. So you see MEEEEEEAHHHHH, I’m gonna be battling Loony Lenny, uncle, and he’s in for the pissing contest of his life, uncle!

[Crowd pops. Except for the Urine-haters who want him to retire since he sucks so much.]

Urine: He showed me the dictionary. He installed spell check. And now, Uri-mania is running wild here in (he puts a hand over his mouth and mumbles something).

[Crowd pops again.]

Urine: We’re gonna stand out in front of, hopefully, a few hundred Uri-holics. I’m gonna be drinking my fluids and whistling a happy tune. So Loony Lenny, what ya gonna do uncle, when the Uri-Nation PEES all over you, uncle!

[Fade out.]

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Odd sex habits and fetishes

April 19th, 2002
Comments Off on Odd sex habits and fetishes

Previously, on Sarah:

“Is The Domino dead? How did he possess Kay?” Sarah asks.

“He must be dead. I bet the WWF had him killed, and now he’s returned from beyond the grave to carry out some sort of vengeance. But you shouldn’t worry,” Styles says.

*****************************

“Kay Fabe is dead, monkey crap. The Domino has stolen her beautiful body to call home. And all women, especially Sarah, are invited in, any time, any place,” Kay says.

*****************************

“Oh my God, wait,” Styles says. “If Kay believes she is The Domino, she can’t, as some would, change their gimmick. In Kay Fabe’s world, gimmicks don’t exist. We may have to take more drastic action.”

“Kay, I’m sorry,” Sarah says.

Suddenly, Sarah’s foot is in Kay’s face. Kay, unprepared for the kick, falls back and her head bounces off the court. Her world becomes….

Black.

_________________________________________________

[Little Good’s apartment.]

He is sitting in his recliner, watching an episode of “Seventh Heaven” on the tele. Sarah walks out of the bedroom, wearing only a long blue pajama top. She looks at the TV, then at Little Good.

“You disgust me. How can you watch such wholesome, family valuesy stuff like this?” she asks.

“Umm, because it, uh…”

“Jessica Biel?”

He sighs. “Yeah.”

“If you had a choice between me and her, who would you pick?”

“Honestly, Jessica.”

Sarah charges at Little Good and kicks him in the chin. He tips over backwards, as does the recliner, trapping him underneath. Sarah tosses the chair aside and picks him up by the throat.

“Listen up, with the last few weeks I’ve been having, I don’t need to know that my loser boyfriend would rather be with someone else. I haven’t won. Twice! First March Mayhem, then of all things, to Joanie Laurer!”

“Don’t forget about Gluttons For Punishment thing too. That’s three. Granted you came in second, but I thought you couldn’t be beaten. Sounds like you’ve done you’re own right share of ‘jobbing’ in BOB.”

Her eyes open wide in anger and she whips him around and throws him into the wall. He becomes part of the wall as his backside makes a huge indent.

“Owww!” Little Good yells. “That hurts, y’know.”

Little Good breaks free, grabs Sarah’s arms and whips her around and makes a new dent in the same wall.

“Owww.”

Sarah punches Little Good.

Little Good punches Sarah back.

He throws her onto the bear skin rug on the floor and they begin throwing off clothes and violently kissing each other.

[Xamfir’s bedroom.]

“Sarah said she’d be here,” Xamfir says apologetically.

“THE….I mean, I’m used to it,” Kay says. “Let me ask you something Xamfir.”

“OK.”

“Do you like….pie?”

“Yeah. Who doesn’t?”

A mouse runs in between them. They’re sitting on his bed. Did I forget to mention that? Well they are. Xamfir sees the mouse and smiles widely. Heputs his hand over the little white creature, trapping him. He stands up and starts to pull his sweatpants down, but…

“Whoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoa, WHOA!” Kay says, standing up and retreating. “What in the BLUE HELL are you doing?”

Xamfir stares at Kay, tense, paralyzed, with his sweatpants a few inches below the waistline, but still not revealing anything too hairy. His frozen status breaks when he chuckles and pulls his pants back up completely.

“Nothing,” Xamfir says with a nervous laugh.

“Were you going to take that mouse……turn him sideways…..and stick him straight up your CANDY ASS?”
“You know Kay…you’re still using a lot of The Domino’s catchphrases.”

“Um, hello, mouse, ass…”

“Call it even? Forget the whole thing?” Xamfir suggests.

“Deal.”

[Little Good’s bathroom.]

Sarah and Little Good are wrapped up in Little Good’s shower curtain in his bathtub.

“I can’t help but feel I forgot to do something,” Sarah says, looking puzzled.

“You can still go south of the border on me. Just give me a few minutes.”

“No,” Sarah says twisting his nipple.

“Hey!”

“God, you’re so disgusting.”

“I’m Little Good, baby.”

[Xamfir’s kitchen.]

Xamfir pulls out a package of American cheese slices. He pulls of the wrappers and fills up a dinner plate with 24 slices. He eats….

One piece.

Two pieces.

Three pieces.

What?

Four pieces of cheese.

Kay is still there.

Five pieces.
“You’ve got some naughty intentions, don’t you? You’re gonna eat cheese in hopes the mouse goes looking for it, like your sphincter is a maze.”

Six pieces. He sighs.

“If you’re just gonna keep making accusations, you can go somewhere else. Lesbian! You’re going to Hell!”

Seven pieces.

Eight pieces.

“What ever happened to your dog,” Kay asks. “The one that was raped and you thought needed an abortion.”

“Damn it. I forgot all about that, we haven’t promoed for so long. I should go to Sarah’s….tomorrow.”

Nine pieces.

Ten pieces.

“THE….I mean, I’m, getting out of here and going somewhere, that isn’t here.”

Eleven pieces.

[Styles’ place.]

Styles is on the phone.

“OH MY GOD! That’s great news. Thank you. It’ll give me something to do finally.”

[Jeers.]

Kay walks into the bar.

Everyone: “Kay!”

“Shut up jabroneys.” She walks to the bar. Kay is wearing Elvis-like sunglasses, a Scorpion Queen T-shirt and black workout pants.

The door opens. It’s Styles! But Kay doesn’t notice him. Giving us….that’s right, plot development.

“Give The Domino a martini…..not shaken, but stirred!”

Styles gasps! Then he runs out the door.

[Xamfir’s bed…a few minutes later.]

Xamfir is on his bed, holding his stomach.

“So, much, cheese.”

He pulls the mouse from his T-shirt pocket and gets nose to nose with it.

“Hope you can smell the cheese through everything else I ate.”

He sits up and gets under the blanket, PG-13 style. Then he takes off his sweatpants and….

Styles barges in!

Styles looks at Xamfir, who is holding the mouse by the tail and has his legs up under the blanket, tent-style.

Guess what Styles says.

Styles runs out.

Xamfir drops the mouse.

[Little Good’s apartment, yet more minutes later.]

The couple is in bed. Covered in peanut butter. And ice cream. And whipped cream. Little Good is eating a cherry off of Sarah while Sarah eats a banana off Little Good.

Styles barges in!

“OH MY GOD!”

They look up at him.

“Human sundaes? I’m so hungry all of a sudden.”

“Why in the bloody hell are you here,” Little Good asks, “and you might want to add I’m quite annoyed.”

“Two shocking plot developments. First, I’ve bought Jeers. So I went there…”

“You bought Jeers?” Little Good interrupts. “You’re not gonna clean it up, are ya? A fella likes to unwind with…”

“Haven’t figured that far yet.”

“Good, I’ll…”

“Shut up!” Styles yells.

“Or what?” Little Good says standing up on the bed.

Styles puts a hand up and turns away to shield himself from Little Good’s banana. “Sit down! Sarah, Kay Fabe is still The Domino!”

“She’s what?”

“The Domino!” Styles repeats.

“I thought we cured her?”

“Apparently not,” Styles says.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“Kay is the Domino,” Sarah says.

“Or, The Domino is Kay.”

“I think Kay’s pretending to be The Domino pretending to be Kay,” Sarah says.

“She was Kay, then Spanish, then Kay again, then The Domino,then Kay, but not really Kay, but in reality, The Domino pretending to be Kay?” Little Good asks.

“Right,” Styles says.

“Hmm,” Sarah says. “We’ve got to cure her.”

“Y’know what I think. I think Trey Vincent has something to do with this,” Little Good says.

“Don’t ever say that name again,” Sarah says.

“Sorry,” Little Good says. “But ever since he kidnapped her, she ain’t been right in the noggin.”

“He’s right,” Style says. “I know how to cure her. But you won’t like it.”

“Spill,” Sarah says.

TO BE CONTINUED….

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