~~~Steve Studnuts is seen sitting at his computer with the eWmania forums filling the monitor. He scrolls a little, clicks on a subject link or two, then leans back in his chair and sighs deeply. He scratches his head. He reads some more.
Then Connie Lingus, his houseguest arguably hanging around to mooch more than keep the place clean, walks into shot. She looks every bit of Cindy Crawford, Angie Everhart, Sarah Michelle Gellar and Darva Conger. Mostly Darva Conger, especially when it’s cold in the house.
Steve grumbles some more at the screen as Connie strikes up conversation.~~~
Connie: What ya doing, Steve? Plotting revenge against Plants?
Steve: Of course. I’m always doin’ that. If he’d return my calls, I’d fuck with him even more. He’s avoidin’ me. Maybe he’s busy fuckin’ up titties at one of his hack shops. I don’t know…
But I see that despite my repeated calls and us nearly killing his dumb ass at October Surprise in Snore Games, that fucker found the time to enter his promo for the eWmania Championship Tournament. He can’t answer his phone, but he can do that? Funny thing is, he never does a gatdamn promo here but he was the first to do one there. Then Death did his promo. Fuckin’ BOB guys. Lazy as fuck usually, but they are the first two to post in that tournament, I never would have guessed it. Imagine that. The deadline is tomorrow night, a minute till mid, and only three people have said a word. Plants, Death, and some fuck knuckle named Jason Kain.
Connie: Who’s that?
Studs: Fuck if I know. Some dumb fuck that thinks he’s the biggest star in the indy scene, getting million dollar contracts tossed at him. In the fuckin’ independents? Yeah, like they have a fuckin’ million bucks. Get real, dude.
A buddy of mine told me that Kain’s dick must’ve been really tiny when he did that interview. Heh. And they say I have an ego?
Even better, this Kain guy said the tournament would be over when he won it. He’s goin’ to feel really fuckin’ stupid when he doesn’t. Big mouth fucker.
Connie: I take it you don’t like him.
Studs: Like him? I don’t even fuckin’ KNOW him. I haven’t had the time to get to the point where I DON’T like him. Which I wouldn’t. The guy’s a pussy tit weak fuck. He says Death is probably a goofy character that belongs to a fed that relies on joke premises to get over? I’m in BOB, motherfucker. Am I a goofy character? Does this sound like a fuckin’ joke to you? You’re lucky I don’t come on down there to eWmania tournament land and rip your fuckin’ lungs out through your asshole, superstar.
Connie: Oh, stop being a goofy character. You wanna turkey pot pie?
Studs: Mmmm, that sure is temptin’. But I got blackmailin’ to do. Bring me my cell phone.
~~~Connie leaves and moments later, does in fact hand Steve his cell phone.~~~
Studs: This is goin’ to be good…
~~~He waits as the phone rings. After about the fifth ring, a “hello” is heard through the receiver.~~~
Studs: Doc! Buddy, how’s it goin’, jerkweed? [Steve shoos Connie away with a wave of his hand.]
~~~The televised promo on your screen splits into two pictures, diagonally separated evenly from top right to bottom left. Studnuts occupies the upper left screen, Dr. Silaconne M. Plants is in the bottom right screen laying in a hospital bed and heavily bandaged.~~~
Studs: So, you’re NOT dead after all. Fuckin’ pity. I thought we killed you.
SMP: Nope. I’m still kicking. You’re not going to stop me until I take that ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS from you at MEGABRAWL II. Ten years I’ve waited to get my hands on that title. Ten long years. I will NOT be denied.
Studs: Pffft. Whatever. You’ll never win that belt, Plants. You’ll fuckin’ choke like you always do. Speakin’ of which, since you booked yourself into the match, I assume you also booked what type of match it’s gonna be, right?
SMP: Sure did.
Studs: How about sharin’ that info with the rest of us, fuck hole.
SMP: It’s going to be the exact same match I last won a major championship in… the NICOLAS CAGE MATCH!
Studs: Oh goody, a cage match with Nic Cage DVD’s attached to the walls. I’m scared. I’m shaking. I shit myself. Puh-lease!
SMP: I’ve never lost one.
Studs: So? How many have you been in?
SMP: Well… I’ve been in one.
SMP: Neige Thirteen.
Studs: BWAAA HAAA HAAAAAA! That guy was banned from the promotion at the time! How could you NOT have won that?
SMP: It was a tough match…
Studs: No, you ain’t fuckin’ seen tough yet. Which reminds me, since it seems like you get to make up all the rules lately, I have some stips of my own for this one.
Studs: Yeah, motherfucker. Stips! Stipulations. You know, put up or fuckin’ shut up stuff. I’m puttin’ up the ONLY and my half of the tag straps, you’re puttin’ up the Swiss and your half of the tag straps, you picked the match so now I get to have some fun. You also have to put up your career.
Studs: Retire, fuck wad. It’s YOUR match, you can’t win it you have to fuckin’ retire.
SMP: I ain’t gonna do it! I can’t put my career up against the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS, that’s too much pressure!
Studs: Oh no, you WILL do it. If not, I’ll close all your titty butcher clinics and put you out of business!
SMP: You’re blackmailing me?
Studs: You gatdamn right I am. I’ll close them all down, “Girl’s Breast Friend” on Areola Avenue and Mammary Lane, “Titties R Us” down on Nipple Drive and B Cup Boulevard, and even that new one you just opened, “Leave it to Cleavage!”
SMP: You’re a rat bastard!
[SMP pauses and thinks for a second or two]
Wait a minute…. you can’t close down my clinics. It’s free enterprise. I have the right to run my business outside of BOB.
Studs: Not without fuckin’ clients, jerkweed.
SMP: Okay. You have my attention.
Studs: I visited “Tit Jobs Gone Wrong” earlier today on the web and the site had thousands of testimonials from chicks whose fun bags got all fucked up. Most of them were done by you.
SMP: That’s ridiculous.
Studs: Oh really? Check this out…
~~~Steve sends SMP this picture over the cell phone. The Doc looks at it momentarily and responds~~~
SMP: That’s not mine. I’ve never seen her before in my life.
Studs: You don’t say? She wrote a message below the image: “Dr. Plants, LOOK what you did to me, you quacker ass quacker! I hope you rot in Hell.” Signed, douja’s ole lady.
SMP: **snicker** Don’t….know….. her. **snicker**
Studs: What about this poor bitch?
SMP: Not a clue who that is…
Studs: She wrote: “Thank you so much, Dr. Plants…”
SMP: SEE! She’s happy! Another satisfied customer…
Studs: You didn’t let me finish, ass gobbler. “Thank you so much, Dr. Plants… for making me look like a goddamned freak! You need to die a slow, painful death, and just before you die, while you can still feel it, maggots should crawl up your pee hole and eat your testicles! I HATE YOU!”
Studs: Or this one?
SMP: Ummm, she doesn’t ring a bell.
Studs: I bet she fuckin’ could, standin’ 5 feet from it, with her fuckin’ nipples.
SMP: I don’t know her!
Studs: Maybe you’ll remember THIS one?
SMP: Oh Lord. Those look terrible!
Studs: Yeah, she’s not too fond of you either.
SMP: Again, I’ve never met any of these women.
Studs: Bet you’ve seen HER before!
SMP: Good God!
Studs: She writes: “Dr. Plants, I’m constantly squirting silicone out of my super deformed breasts because of your stupid, ignorant, non-medical no-having skills fucking self. I’ll kill you if I ever see you again!”
SMP: I can see why she’s upset, but I didn’t have anything to do with that.
Studs: Right, and U of A knows when to fuckin’ foul at the end of a game. Listen, Plants, either you put up your career, or I’ll plaster these chicks all over every one of your clinics, you’ll never touch a titty again.
SMP: Alright, you got me. I’ll put my career up.
Studs: Say it like I wanna hear it, fucker.
SMP: If I can’t defeat you at MEGABRAWL II and win THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS… I’ll retire from Brawler’s on a Budget.
Studs: I know most of the fuckin’ smart marks out there think that’s an automatic win for you right there, but you fuckin’ people would be wrong. You see, Plants is old. The game’s past his ass. I’m thinkin’ about jumpin’ to other promotions and spreadin’ the love like Trey did. Doin’ so leaves less time for old SMP. Ya dig?
So don’t go bettin’ the fuckin’ farm on him just yet.
SMP: It’s a deal.
Studs: Oh no, I ain’t done. Nurse Heidi is the special referee, and when I’ve won, not only do you have to retire, you have to film “Heidi’s Anatomy, Part 2” starring Nurse Heidi, and STEVE STUDNUTS! That’s right, Doc, you get to be the CAMERA MAN, and I want you to zoom in real close when I splooge all over your girl.
SMP: She’s not my girl.
Studs: Sure, Plants. What the fuck ever.
SMP: Hey, hold on. Did you say, “Heidi’s Anatomy, Part 2”?
Studs: Yeah, I did.
SMP: So there’s a part one?
Studs: Duh? Are you fuckin’ stupid? YEAH! There’s a part one! Didn’t you see it? I sent it to you months ago…
Studs: You RPed about it, fuckstick.
SMP: Oh yeah, Heidi grabbed it and ran off.
Studs: Yeah, she’s good at grabbin’ and jerkin’ off.
SMP: I said RAN OFF.
Studs: I don’t give a shit what you said. Do we have a deal, or what?
SMP: I said it already! We have a deal!
Studs: Heh. This is too easy. Do you think Heidi is actually gonna count me out? I know she wants to ride the pole again.
SMP: I got your pole, right here, pal. I’ll see you at MEGABRAWL II!
~~~Steve looks into the camera~~~
Studs: Plants, I almost don’t’ want MEGABRAWL II to get here. The fuckin’ suspense is awesome. I hope it lasts.
Unfortunately for me, it will get here, and the suspense will be gone.
Unfortunately also for you, because MEGABRAWL II is gonna eventually get here… and when it does, and that cage is locked, I’m gonna beat your fuckin’ ass until you’re fuckin’ transparent. Ya dig?
This shit ain’t even gonna be funny.
Whether you agreed to the retirement stip or not, after MEGABRAWL II you wouldn’t have had any other option. The poundin’ I have planned, even if you, by some fuckin’ miracle, win this match… you’re gonna have to retire anyway.
Unlike this time with the blackmail, your retirement after MEGABRAWL II will be from necessity, not by contractual obligations. Ya dig?
I’m gonna fuckin’ beat you to death. Period.
Get it? Got it? GOOD!