[We open once again upon the Residence of Evil, where the VW Beetle… of Evil… has just pulled into the driveway. The doors swing open, and Axl steps out from the front passenger’s side seat, before heading to the back door and opening it. From within emerges the Lord of Darkness. No, not THAT ‘Lord of Darkness… or even THAT ‘Lord of Darkness’. Not that ‘Lord of Darkness’ either. No, the one I refer to, is none other than Garth Vader, the one and only. Viruz exits from his spot behind the steering wheel, and the trio head toward the inner sanctum of the Residence…]
> > > a few minutes later < < < [Axl and Viruz are testing out the latest prototype of the very first widely released X-Station game, 'Super Mario Whatever', when four Dollar Store Troopers walk into the den from the kitchen... all wearing cheap "rapper" gear, ontop of their customary Trooper attire. They part to the sides, and Garth walks onto the scene...]
Garth: *wheeze* Axl-walker… Viruz. I have assembled the Troopers here for an emergency meeting… to call down within your beings, and pull forth the power…
Garth: … of the FUNK.
[Axl and Viruz look at eachother with a quizzical expression across their faces.]
Axl: [looking at Garth] Uhm… What the funk is the… Funk?
Viruz: … [looks at Garth… then back at Axl] Ya know, Trable might have been right. We do sort of get cruddy material.
Axl: Hey, I try hard, ‘kay?
Garth: … Again, I’m lost…
Axl: Sorry, inside reference…
Garth: *shakes head* Annnyway… *wheeze* … Really need to check with the doctor about that asthma… But back on point. The Funk is the power… the inner energy… the “force” if you will, within us all, to bring out something incredible… something stupendous… something… Fresh, Hot, and Spankadellic!
Viruz: [looking at Axl] Ya SURE we got the RIGHT Vader this time?
Axl: I… think so…
Garth: Ugh… In other words, you two are going to have a second chance to rap, but this time, I’m going to provide you with something VERY powerful. Something you didn’t have back at the day care center.
Axl: A wooden paddle to smack those kids around with?
Garth: No! A beatbox!
Axl: … Wow.
Viruz: Can I get back to playing the game? It’s VERY important, and CAN’T wait!
Axl: STOP CAPITALIZING EVERYTHING!!!
Axl: And cut it with the damn ‘…’s! CHRIST!!!
Garth: These four Troopers are going to provide the beatbox for the most masterful combination of rhyme and rhythm ever!
Axl: I highly doubt that…
Axl: WILL YOU STOP THAT?!
Garth: Hit it boys! And May the Funk Be With Yooooooouuuuuuuuu!!!
[And so – ]
Garth: I need an inhaler…
[The Troopers cup their hands around their mouths and begin a beat, while Axl and Viruz begin to rap. Well, this oughta be… terrible.]
Axl: Yo dawg, yo dawg, YO!
My name is Axl, The Great’s an asshole.
I crap things with more cred than ‘XFactor’ Trable.
The Great has the nerve tah call a guy like ME a tool?
He must be talkin’ about my nuts and bolt, cuz if he is, that’s cool.
Viruz: I –
Axl: I ain’t gonna cut him down for wantin’ a piece of The Axl.
Just as long as he knows, I ain’t a homosexual.
But if HE is, then that’s fine, that’s just Great.
Better for him to go out with a feminine looking guy than that wife that looks like a primate.
Viruz: The –
Axl: The dude’s got a slut for a daughter, named Lauren or some shit,
The chick’s probably got the gat dam Grand Canyon for a clit.
One of his boys is a retard, who’s just not that smart…
His other son’s named Nick. Atleast he doesn’t accidentally blow the house apart!
Viruz: And –
Axl: And then you’ve got the grandma, the dusty old witch.
Wah wah wah wah wah. Decipher THAT one, bitch!
And Petey, you’re your own number one fan.
The only action you ever get is from your right or left hand!
Viruz: … Ahem. So –
Axl: So, to sum this shit up, cuz I know you two got ADD,
You have only one chance to defeat the Hierarchy,
And that’s if XFactor dies and the Great passes too,
So we have tah face two undead zombies. Instead ah just two braindead foo’s!!!
Viruz: … Foo’s? … Axl, you didn’t let me get any lines in! Not even a word in edge-wise!
Axl: Huh. Well, go ahead. Say something.
Viruz: … Word.
[Yeah… as I thought. Terrible.]
Garth: Dammit! I could have sworn the beatbox thing was what got Trable over! But this rap was just… just… Well, what do you think judges?
[The camera switches to three judges at a desk. One, a black man. One, a white woman. And the third, a white man. A BRITISH white man. Yep, this is familiar…]
Black Guy: Yo, man, that was some crazy shit right there. … Crazy as in bad. Really. Seriouslly, just plain bad. … Yo.
White Chick: I love it! It’s wonderful, it’s awesome, it’s fabulous! … Oops, sorry, let me take my headphones off, I was just listening to “Straight Up”! Uhm… from what I could actually hear… yeah, your rapping stinks. Very much. … Sorry.
British Dude: Pip pip, cheerio, and all that good rubbish. As for the “rap”, if you can really call it that… rubbish. Without the ‘good’ part. The absolute most terrible, horrible, terrible, awful, terrible… did I mention terrible?
British Dude: – thing I’ve EVER had the dishonor of listening to. Abysmal. And terrible.
Axl/Viruz: WE GET IT!
Garth: Well, *wheeze*, it’s obvious ‘The Funk ™’ isn’t going to help you defeat Great and Pete… Maybe the Shchwartz… I hear that SpaceBalls FlameThrower packs some… heat. … Geez… This script is…
British Dude: Terrible?
Garth: Uhm… yeah. That.
Axl: Hey, I said I try my damndest. It’s just hard, what with the… thinking. … I’m hungry.
Garth: Well, damn… Axl, maybe you should just do what you’re best at. Talking. … You need another balloon microphone, I’ve got plenty.
Axl: … No thanks.
[Axl plops down on the sofa, and while Viruz returns to plugging away at his beta, Axl begins to share a few words with… ugh… “The Axl-Holics”…]
Axl: Hello, my Kingdom. It’s good to see you again. As you know, at Power is Stolen, the Hierarchy has an opportunity… a SHOT at a title shot… against the number one rising star in Brawlers today, The Great… and his flunky.
Viruz: YES! Level 2!
Axl: … You’ve been on the first level for FIVE hours…
Viruz: I know… I’m good at making games. Never said I was good at playing them…
Axl: … Anyway, Great has stated that he hopes for my prescence in the contest, so that Great can “destroy” me. And while normally, I wouldn’t just bow to the whim of another… in fact, if there’s to be ANY bowing, it’s to be done at MY feet… Well, I’m going to let you know Great. I’ll be there. My brother over here? He’ll be there as well. And the two of us… the Brothers of Jawesomeness… instead of being destroyed? We’re going to be the ones destroying the two of you greased up monkey butts!!! Not just for the sake of the titles… NOT just for the sake of the Kingdom… But because Pete… you broke one of the King’s Golden Rules!
Viruz: Uh, lemme guess… he called you a que-
Axl: DON’T you dare! Noone is allowed to mention that word around me! And Peter! I am not… and I repeat, NOT… that word. I am no longer a lipstick and fingernail polish wearing goth poser. I Am no longer a hair-metalist with caked on makeup! I AM… me. Myself. I am simply… The Axl. The Axl that the entire wheel that is BoB rotates constantly around. For without me, BoB would SUFFER! It would flounder, slowly dying… slowly creeping closer, and closer, and closer still… to its dying breathe. And with me as one of its champions? BoB will become the very pinnacle of professional amateur fake-ass e-sports entertainment wrestling!!!
Viruz: This game sucks.
Axl: You MADE the game! I thought you said you were good at that?
Viruz: Uh… I lied?
Axl: … As I said, Pete, I am NOT… you know what. And the next time you refer to me as such, I shall have to force you to choke on those words! And furthermore, while my bit at the day care center may have sucked, my rap just a few moments ago? It was better than each and every last one of your pathetic ‘rhymes’, wrapped up and rolled into one huge, gigantanormous ball of… of… WIGGEROCITY!!!
Viruz: DAMMIT! FUCK!!!~!1 Game Over!
Axl: Shit dude, you suck at the game you yourself made. That’s… that’s just sad. But you know what won’t be sad?
Viruz: When I edit the game so you win by beating the first level?
Axl: … When you and I defeat Great and Trable, and go on to obliterate Studnuts and that guy ‘??’, whoever HE is, for the tag titles! And Pete… Great? When the four of us meet, what happened to Thrilla and Paradox… well, it’ll PALE in comparison to what the Hierarchy does to the two of YOU! You’ll be dead! You’ll be deader THAN dead! In fact, you’ll be SO dead, it’ll give an all new meaning to what the word dead even means! It’ll mean… uh… REALLY… REALLY fuckin’ dead! We’re going to do things that Space Cop and Space Duck and Space Dick and Space Cock and Space Spacely never even DREAMED of! … Except the raping part.
Axl: Because I’m not gay.
Viruz: OH, FUCK THIS SHIT!
[Viruz sends the controller hurtling through the tv screen.]
Viruz: Uh… didn’t Michelle buy that thing the other day?
Axl: Man… it’s going to be hard to replace a 60 inch, plasma screen tv… Wait, I’ve got an idea.
> > > a few minutes later < < < Axl: There, that oughta do it. Viruz: You think she'll notice? [The camera takes a quick shot of an 8 inch, black and white tv built into an A.M. radio...] Axl: Uh... nah. ... Probably. Aw well, you did it, so what's the big deal? ... I mean, if you're me. ... Sorry, bro. Anyway, I'm hungry, I think I'll go grab a bite. Ya want anything? Viruz: The number of a good doctor... I think I'm gonna need it... |the|