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Posts Tagged ‘Sarah “The Jobber Slayer”’

Shame In Defeat

November 16th, 2008
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Jerri Li

[Open to a white bathroom, lit by an overhanging bulb, as Jerri Li dabs at an entire galaxy of cuts on her face. Christian St. Christian and Scatman are stood in the background with their arms folded. ]

Jerri (pulling a big string of cartilage out): Forget it, the show’s cancelled.

CSC: But what about my match against a bunch of earthworms?

Scatman: Fuck your earthworms… I was going to get to have sex with her in the middle of the ring!

Christian St. Christian

Jerri: If you won, which you wouldn’t have.

CSC: Why don’t you just go and fuck yourself?

Scatman: Why don’t you go shove those stupid earthworms up your ass?

[Jerri looks back into the mirror and sighs as the two men behind her squabble like children.]

Jerri: You know what? You guys were disgusting, vile, humiliating to be associated with. But with all the shit you’ve been pulling I totally fucked up my match. Sarah didn’t even bleed for Christ’s sake!

Scatman

Scatman: Screw that bitch, we’re just here to make BOB NC-17.

Jerri: Fuck you guys.

[In an unexpected, but not all that surprising, turn of sadism she smashes the mirror with her fist and attacks The Fetish Freaks with shards of broken glass. They stumble backwards out of the bathroom, caught off guard. Jerri grabs a razor sharp steel net, which she just happened to have lying around, and throws it over Scatman, cutting him into thousands of tiny chunks. Christian St. Christian just runs off never to be heard from again.]

Jerri: Much better.

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A Heart Warming Scene

November 2nd, 2008

Scatman

[Scatman is sat at a table covered in broken plate pieces eating raw mincemeat.]

Christian St. Christian: Even your eyes stink.

Scatman: I had to use my own glue to make the contact lenses stick.

CSC: What the hell are you eatng? Meat and treacle?

Scatman: There wasn’t any maple syrup.

[Scatman slurps down a glass of brown colored water.]

Christian St. Christian

Jerri Li: Hey cumwads, what the hell are you eating?

Scatman: Mincemeat and treacle, what’s wrong with that?

Jerri: Don’t you normally eat shit?

Scatman: Hey, I’m a wrestler now. I need protein to stay in shape.

CSC: The shape of a wet paper cup.

Scatman: You’re just lucky we aren’t fighting, I would’ve kicked your ass to the moon and back.

Jerri Li

Jerri: Someone knock me out, I can’t stand this bickering.

Scatman: Just hit yourself with a brick, that always works.

CSC: Scatman, can you be serious for a minute? I think I have an idea who Plants booked us against at October Surprise. Here, take this.

[He hands Scatman a piece of paper written on in pencil.]

CSC: That’s some strategy to use if it is who I think it is.

Scatman: I can’t read this!

CSC: That’s because you got shit all over it!

[He snatches the paper back angrily.]

Scatman: Dude, we don’t need anymore training anyway. The Great learns his stuff from Smackdown vs Raw, you can play Mario and I’ll just watch girls mud wrestling. It all works out!

[He jumps up onto the table and swings his hips with his hands on his head.]

Scatman: In fact, I’m gonna do some working out now.

[He runs off suddenly, dragging the tablecloth and plates off the table under his feet as he goes.]

CSC: He’s from another world completely.

Jerri: I’m splitting apart on the inside over this match. I booked you guys against each other because you wrestle like pussies and will be able to run-in on my match. I know my teammates are good, and Death is the grim reaper for crying out loud, but the beefed up iAd are the kings of sports entertainment.

CSC: I’m not running in on your match! You’re supposed to be a masochist, what the hell do you care if you get another beating from Studnuts?

Jerri: When I held that T&A XX title, I don’t know, it made me feel powerful. Like I was the king.

CSC: Don’t you mean queen?

Jerri: Whatever. Sarah’s in that match and she’s got my belt. She’s disgracing the legacy I made for it. She doesn’t even hit herself with weapons. I need to get it back!

[St. Christian puts his arm around her.]

CSC: Do you wanna go watch mud wrestling with Scatman? He’s probably turned over all the furniture in the room by now.

Jerri: Can I smash his head through the TV screen?

CSC: Anything you want.

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Zombieproof

October 23rd, 2008
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Death

Katie Death, a zombie who dresses in a cheerleader uniform, was washing the dishes with blood in the sink when her husband, Death, walked into the room. God’s Hitman opened up the refrigerator, looked around, and then slammed the door shut.

“Why is there never any food in this house? I have Snore Games coming up in just a couple of weeks, and I need to bribe The Great with food apparently so he won’t do a job for the either Steve Studnuts, Trey Vincent, Sarah “The Jobber Slayer,” Seth Harker, or Dr. Silaconne M. Plants apparently now, too. And I still haven’t figured out what to bribe my other teammates with. Let’s see…write this down. Let’s see, for Trable…how about some fried chicken, watermelon, and grape juice? For Jerri Li? Hmm. Some Jagged Metal Krusty-O’s and battery acid. Kid Pirate probably likes booze. Rum. Hell, how about some peg leg polish as well. Did you get all that, Katie?”

“Braains!” Katie roared.

“Why do you make everything so hard except right here,” Death said, performing a crotch chop in his wife’s direction.

“Braaaains!” Katie replied.

“Is this mansion not big enough for you? What about all those dead people stacked in the meat locker? Where’s the respect for Death?”

“Braaaaains!”

“Did you at least dry clean my wrestling cloak.”

“Brains.”

“Son of a…” Death started before pounding his bony fist on the countertop. “I’VE HAD IT UP TO HERE, KATIE!”

“Brains brains brains brains brains brains!”

“What does this have to do with my yacht? Don’t I deserve a little ME time? I work my fingers to the bone…wait, they already are bone. I work my bones to the…you know what I mean! I work non-stop for the Big Guy who created this universe. He created you for ME, not me for YOU! You’re just a bit player.”

“Uhhhhh~!”

“It’s ironic. I figured I would’ve been the one to kill this relationship…”

“Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains!”

“You want out? That’s FINE with me!”

Katie Death shuffles away to her bedroom, slamming the door shut behind her. She grabs a framed picture of Zombie Mr. Fantastic off her dresser.

“Uhhhhhhhhhhh!”

Meanwhile, outside, Death has his scythe and begins bashing a trash barrel with the handle. After several seconds of clatter, Death looks up and notices a zombie eating somebody’s face in the street. Both are starting at him curiously.

“Help me?” the victim gurgled out, blood oozing from everywhere on his (or her?) face.

“Rar?” the zombie queried.

“Sorry, Face Eater. Go about your business.”

The zombie continued eating the victim’s face as Death threw his trash back into the trash bucket. One of the plastic bags ripped and several cans fell out with a dull clatter as they hit the driveway. Brains In A Can. It was eerily silent — as long as you ignored the dying screams and disgusting face-eating noises in the background.

“And she can’t even recycle on top of everything else?”

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Not Safe For Work

September 29th, 2008
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Jerri Li

[The scene fades in on a window pane as rain splatters against it. Cut to a woman’s foot. The camera pans slowly upwards as a pair of fishnet stockings are unrolled over her silky smooth legs. The camera keeps going past her tight stomach, her skin the color of crème brûlée, her breasts, hidden behind a black bra, and neck until it reaches her face. It’s Jerri Li! She hasn’t been resurrected more than a few days and she already has clothes pegs all over her face.]

Jerri Li: I suppose I should thank you for bringing me back from Hell. There was no pain, no pleasure nothing. Just blackness. It was so boring.

[There is no answer, just giggling.]

Jerri Li: Are you even listening to me?

[Jerri turns around to see new found stable mates huddled around a computer monitor. Jerri looks mad at not being the center of attention and stomps over to them.]

Jerri Li: What are you guys doing?

[She sees what they are watching.]

Jerri Li: You guys are perverts.

Scatman

Scatman: Hey!

Christian St. Christian: Dude, you are just about the most perverted man I’ve ever met.

Scatman: Moi?

[Scatman stands up on the seat of his chair, puts his hands on his head and rotates his hips like a male stripper.]

Scatman: I’m just hyper-sexual baby. Fuck, now I’m horny.

[Scatman jumps down and runs off screen.]

Christian St. Christian

Jerri Li: Where’s he going?

CSC: You don’t want to know, trust me.

[Tentacle Beast takes over control of the computer.]

Tentacle Beast: Sweeeet.

Tentacle Beast

[Tentacle Beast gets about half way through the video before running off as well, making squishy noises as he goes.]

CSC: He’s had to convert to girls in catholic schoolgirl uniforms, poor guy. They don’t squeal enough for him.

Jerri Li: You guys ARE perverts! I suppose you like old grannies vomiting on each other.

CSC: Nah, that’s more Scatman’s kinda thing. I just have a crush fetish.

Jerri Li: You have a fetish for having crushes on girls?

CSC: Not quite.

[Jerri Li turns her neck and looks at St. Christian.]

Jerri Li: I think I understand.

CSC: Anyway, we’ve got bigger fish to fry.

Jerri Li: BOB?

[He nods.]

Jerri Li: Five minutes with you guys and that place seems normal.

CSC: Yeah, well.

[St. Christian cracks his knuckles over his chest.]

CSC: You want to get back at Sarah The Jobber Slayer right?

Jerri Li: Yes.

CSC: If you’ll join our stable we can help you. She’s well protected by the higher ups in BOB, but there’s little that can stand in the way of a psychopath with an iron chain, an eight foot demon and a guy covered in faeces. We’ll make sure you have your revenge and regain your T&A XX Division championship.

Jerri Li: I am going to tear Sarah limb from limb.

CSC: That’s all to come. But for now, I thought there might be a way we could combine our own personal fetishes.

[He puts on a pair of golf shoes and points for Jerri to lie down on the floor.]

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Petite Slayer Rendition Uno

August 26th, 2008
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Sarah The Jobber Slayer

[Sarah “The Jobber Slayer” is seen staring at a poster of Jerri Li.]

Sarah: I can’t believe you have a poster of her on your wall.

[Kay Fabe puts a finger against the two-dimensional lips of Jerri Li.]

Kay: Well, she did touch me down there. No woman has ever touched me like Jerri Li touched me. Not even Seth.

Sarah: Um-kay.

Far-off voice, possibly Seth: Did you just call me a woman?

Kay Fabe

Kay: No, sweetie. Don’t you have a backstage segment you’re late for or something.

[Dead silence.]

Sarah: How are you feeling, Kay?

Kay: The tombstone through the stack of tables. Yeah, it kinda hurt. Thus, the neckbrace.

Sarah: Ah, didn’t even notice it. Thanks, Detached Narrator.

[Second Cousin of the First Evil, remember?]

Sarah: Yeah, whatever happened to that whole deal, DN?

Kay: You vanquished evil, because it’s what you do! You’re the chosen one! You’re the one and…, well, you’re the one of three Jobber Slayers. That we know of anyway.

Sarah: Where’s Freddy Prinze Jr. when you need him.

Kay: Zuh?

Sarah: He’s a writer for SmackDown.

Kay: Writer? *Pffft* Think you have a brain injury, missy!

Sarah: Right. Anywho. How do you think I’ll do inside of Jell-O in a Cell-O?

Kay: You’ll do great. Just don’t let her grab your groin, or you’ll get all aroused and distracted. Serious not goodness.

Sarah: Yeah, I often have THAT problem when women grab my crotch. *Rolls eyes* Say, first, let’s ask that guy who’s chained to your wall who he thinks will win.

Kay: Who, Josh G?

Sarah: Why do I know that name? Man, I’m having a massive mental block. It’s like somebody renditioned my brain.

Kay: Josh, who do you think will win when Sarah and Jerri wrestle in jell-o?

Josh G: Umm…Sarah?

Sarah: Sounds good to me. Well, there you have it, straight from the lips of the guy who is chained to Kay Fabe’s wall for no apparent reason.

Kay: (Mouthing the words) Mistress. Of. Pain. (She then does the Rob Van Spam thumb pointing thingee.)

Sarah: Ariel, this time, I won’t drop the title. Because all I have to do is pin you.

[Kay hands Sarah a banana. Sarah hands Kay a plastic bag.]

Kay: Oh, baby!

[Um, what’s in the bag?]

Kay: Oh, I totally made this banana super powerful for added extra slayage power. All Sarah has to do is slay Jerri with this banana and she’ll become the T&A XX Division Champion and live out her full life as a champion. It’s sort of like that movie about the little mermaid…what was that movie called?

[Right…but what’s in the bag?]

Kay: … Stuff.

Sarah: It’s some hair, OK?

[You’re giving Kay some hair? That’s…hot. Wait, it doesn’t look like you’ve cut your beautiful blonde hair.]

Sarah: Well, I haven’t…

[…But that would mean…SEXY!]

Sarah: Sexy? Brought it back.

Kay: And someday soon, she’ll grow her hair back. And Trey will probably make her cut it again. And hopefully Sarah will need another favor from me. Goddess, I’ve missed you.

Sarah: Ditto. Well, I’m outie. Bye.

[Sarah rubs the banana against poster Jerri’s lips. Fade to black.]

Sarah (Voice): She’s totally slayed. She just doesn’t know it yet.

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Winner’s Temper Tantrum

August 20th, 2008
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Jerri Li

[Jerri Li is stood in front of a Sarah The Jobber Slayer poster hung on the wall. She has her T&A XX Division belt over her shoulder and a sour look on her face.]

Jerri: Jell-O… in a Cell-O?

[She turns and looks into the camera. We can see a man, named Josh E, chained to the wall opposite the Sarah poster.]

Jerri: A new era has arrived in BOB. I have proved I am worth my salt. I defeated the strongest woman in BOB and did it with a smile.

Josh E: You certainly left a bad taste in her mouth.

Jerri: Quiet Josh, your mistress is talking to the nice man with the camera.

Clive: You’re talking to me?

Jerri: Well, not literally.

Clive: Hey, aint you that chick with the Little Mermaid underwear?

[Jerri grinds her teeth together and steam bursts out of her ears.]

Josh E: The kettle’s boiled.

[Jerri turns around and takes the old englsh style kettle off the stove.]

Jerri: I’ll burn you later Josh, this is more important.

Josh E: Hey!

Jerri: Sarah, my mind is filled with agony and pain. If our match wasn’t enough you now have seconds coming to you, and I will torture you to your last breath. You’d be surprised what a girl like me can do with Jell-O.

Josh E: I’d like to see that!

Jerri: I said be quiet!

[Jerri drags Clive by the shirt and forces him to point his camera at the Sarah poster once more.]

Jerri: Sarah, when we are surrounded by steel and covered in wobbly red dessert you will see just how much Jerri Li is capable of.

[Jerri tears the poster into tiny little pieces and jumps up and down on them. The camera fades to black.]

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Preparation

August 13th, 2008
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Jerri Li

[Jerri Li is backstage at Power Is Stolen preparing for her first defense of the T&A XX Division Championship in a match against Sarah later ‘tonight.’ She has a man, surprise surprise, tied up with rope with his testicles stretched out using a pully system. Jerri slams the door behind her.]

Man: Um… ouch.

Jerri: Oh please, that’s nothing compared to what I’ve got in store for Sarah.

[Jerri unzips her bag of weapons and puts on a glove with spikes on the palm.]

Jerri: Think I should use this to squeeze her tits?

Man: You do know you’re only allowed to use the weapons provided.

Jerri: But… I was going to pull her teeth out with a pair of pliers and try and see if she could deepthroat a 2×4.

Man: Sorry sweetheart, just chairs, tables and ladders this time.

Jerri: For fucks sake, how am I supposed to win then? I don’t know all that many wrestling moves and she’s been going since God knows when.

Man: I think two women beating each other with furniture and a ladder is extreme enough.

[Jerri empties her weapons bag out over the floor.]

Jerri: If those are the stipulations I’m just going to have to take it out on you first.

Man: Come on, I’m already going to need a walking stick after this.

Jerri: Maybe you can get that Steve Hawking dude to hook you up with a good deal on a wheelchair then.

[The scene fades to black as Jerri sifts through crocodile clips, paperclips, staplers and sandpaper. Imaginative isn’t she?]

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Dew Drops

August 4th, 2008
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Kevin the Pyromaniac

[Kevin stands a lifesize mannequin made to look like Trey Vincent in his backyard. A girl named Jasmine, dressed in a red, blue and green plaid skirt and a gray t-shirt stands nearby eating the seeds out of a pomegranate.]

Jasmine: My brain has gone fuzzy, do we have to do this?

Kevin: Trey’s only weakness is women, I have to use that against him.

Jasmine: But it’s pro-wrestling, isn’t that just people making it look like they’re hurting each other?

Kevin: Whoever told you that must have their brain in pieces and fused to their skull.

[Kevin lifts up his shirt to reveal a scar across his belly.]

Kevin: You think I got that from ‘pretending’?

Jasmine: You got that from eating too many fried foods, don’t pretend you’re Mick Foley all of a sudden.

Kevin: Bitch, don’t make me beat you with a waffle iron.

[Kevin casually lifts the Trey mannequin up by the feet and smacks his head on a stone repeatedly.]

Jasmine: Splitting a manequin open isn’t going to prove anything.

[Kevin throws the mannequin at Jasmine to catch.]

Kevin: I just need some sort of distraction, sports entertainers use them all the time. That Buffy bitch wont be out there for him to stare at her ass while I do a roll-up. I need something or someone to catch his eye and make him swell with pride, because he’s an iAd motherfucker. That bastard wont go down with any lead pipe, skull crushing tactic I could use against the likes of XXXtrem Machine.

[Kevin grabs the mannequin.]

Kevin: Now shake your ass about and I’ll pretend like he’s captivated.

[Jasmine does so, and goes through a Diva-like routine of dancing about and half pulling up her skirt.]

Kevin: Now all we need is some gang member in a red bandana to do a run-in and win me the match. God I miss Bruce.

[Kevin spins the ‘staring’ mannequin around and DDTs him.]

Kevin: One, two, three and Generic Ref is holding my hand up in victory.

Jasmine: You’re not Jake the Snake Roberts either.

Kevin: I ought to feed you to the worms and water your grave with a watering can.

Jasmine: But then you wouldn’t have a sexy female distraction, ooh I’m split.

Kevin: Just hook that Trey mannequin up to that tree so I can use him as a punching bag… I swear, even without your help, Trey Vincent will be pushing up daisies come Power Is Stolen.

Jasmine: And you’ll be pushing up Daffodils in Amsterdam with that attitude.

[Kevin holds his arms out in front of his face and stretches them out to the side.]

Kevin: Don’t act up, I may be stupid and drunk, but I’ll still shove a sparkler up your ass.

Jasmine: I’m out, you can ask that Alexia tramp or that Italian bitch to help you, but I wont.

[Kevin throws a glass of lemonade at her face and she storms off, leaving him to smack the Trey mannequin with shovels and a smile.]

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Bow Wow Wow Yippee Yo Yippee Yay

July 29th, 2008
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Trey Vincent

Outside of a fenced yard, Trey Vincent was taunting a beagle dog by smacking the fence with his skull cane.

“Aww, leave the puppy alone,” Sarah “The Jobber Slayer” pleaded. “It could be Kurt’s puppy.”

“Oh, don’t start that jobber with a puppy stuff again just because he turned heel. You see, this dog reminds me of Kevin the Pyromaniac.”

“Really?” Sarah asked. “He doesn’t smell like piss and gasoline.”

“True. But look at it. Short. Multi-colored hair, or fur, or whatever that is. And I just want to bash his face in!”

Sarah The Jobber Slayer

“Trey! That’s a poor defenseless dog! And may I just add, you have mondo issues.”

“No kidding. Did I mention I also want to shove a fish hook up his asshole and use him as Sharc bait?”

“I don’t get it.”

“Inside joke that only I’ll get.”

“How VERY useful. More inside jokes.” Sarah sighs.

“I want to pretend I’m Bob Novak, minus the brain tumor, and run Kevin down in my car.”

“Trey!”

“Yeah, that was in bad taste, I know. My Jeep is far too valuable to stain with Kevin’s blood.”

“Totally,” Sarah agreed.

“Hey! What are you doing to my dog?” a voice called from somewhere further up in the yard. A guy came running down toward Trey, Sarah, the dog, and sure, why not, the fence.

“That’s not your dog,” Trey answered.

“It is now.”

The kid stuffs the beagle under his shirt as the dog lets out muffled shrikes and struggles. “Ow! Quit scratching me you bastard! Hey, don’t you have a match with Kevin the Pyromaniac coming up?”

Trey and Sarah look at each other.

“I think he stole my memory, because I just forgot my line,” Sarah said.

“Don’t I know you?” the man with the dog under his shirt asked.

“No,” Sarah answered.

“No, that’s the line,” the man with the dog under his shirt explained.

“Ohhhh. Right then. You know. I’ve really got to say, having Kay Fabe grope me was far more entertaining than dealing with your freak friends, Trey.”

“I’ve never seen this guy before when I cast him for this Rant. I swear!”

“I believe you,” Sarah said. “I’m outie.” Sarah wanders away.

“Anyway,” the man with the dog under his shirt continued. “I can tell you everything you want to know about Kevin. He used to hang around with my brother all the time. You remember Bruce?”

“The Evil New Zealander?”

“No, no. Bruce the Kleptomaniac.”

“As long as you aren’t Terry the Hulkamaniac…I HATE Hogan. And I think Brooke has testicles where her vagina should be…”

“No, no,” the man with the dog said. “I’m Herbert the Tricotillomaniac. TRICOTILLOMANIA~!”

“Tricotillomania?”

“I pull out my hair. That’s why a got the dog. I need to cover in some bald spots.” Herbert bends over and reveals several bloody, bald spots.

“Sweet. So, you think you can tell me all of Kevin’s weaknesses?”

“Yep. All of them. Argh!” Herbert rips out a patch of hair and throws it at the ground.

“You ever do that to a girl when you were doing her doggy style?”

A muffled bark.

“Not you, stupid dog…”

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Tables, ladder, chairs, bras, and panties, oh my!

July 24th, 2008
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Sarah The Jobber Slayer

Inside a local training facility, Sarah “The Jobber Slayer” appeared confused, staring at a dummy.

“Hey!” Trey Vincent shouted at the air.

I meant the dummy, not you, Trey. Yes, Trey Vincent was also there.

“I have to fight Gail Kim?” Sarah asked.

Trey Vincent

“No, Jerri Li. Why?”

“That’s a picture of Gail Kim on that crash test dummy.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. I’m sure. And what’s that white stuff all over her mouth?”

“Ummm….must be the glue.” Trey cleared his throat nervously. “Right. So. I’ve finally decided on the stipulation I want to see you fight Jerri Li in.”

“Sushi on a pole?” Sarah asked.

“Nope.”

“Dueling Signapore cane match?”

“Am I THAT racist?”

“You can’t tell Gail Kim apart from Jerri Li, so, yes.”

“Fine. Here’s the deal. You and Jerri Li will fight in a Tables, Ladder, Chairs, Bras and Panties Match.”

“Zuh?”

“The rules are simple. The T&A XX Division Title will be hung up above the ring. But you can’t climb the ladder until after you’ve removed all of Jerri’s clothes and she’s reduced to bra and panties only. Or nothing. Nudity equals buy rates. Did you see the numbers that WWE show did with Regal’s exposed dick?”

“Uh…Doesn’t she wear a wasp’s nest for panties? Because I’m allergic to bee stings and I could totally sue you.”

“I don’t know what she wears for underwear, but I’m looking forward to finding out.”

“Well, Trey, I can guarantee you’ll find out at Power Is Stolen. Because after Power Is Stolen, the T&A title will be mine. Besides, I’m totally boinking the boss. Do you honestly think you have a shot at keeping my title? Does the word “transitional champion” mean anything to you? See: Axl comma Appetite for Burritos. Be prepared for the extremest screw job of your life.”

Sarah spin kicks the Gail Kim dummy in half.

“Extremest? Is that even a word?”

“Didn’t show up in spellcheck…”

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