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Posts Tagged ‘roleplay’

A New Life

December 6th, 2008
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Hamster Girl

[Indigo and Hamster Girl are in a hotel room. The ceiling fan above them wafts cool air onto the tops of their heads as they pack their clothes into a leather suitcase. Indigo is stood on the balcony, sipping chilled brandy from a glass as he stares out at a Caribbean sunset.]

Hamster Girl: Have you seen those cigars?

[Indigo turns his head over his shoulders and shrugs.]

Indigo: We wont get them past customs anyway.

Hamster Girl: But they smell so nice! Way better than that marijuana you bought.

Indigo: We definitely wont get that past customs.

[Hamster Girl stuffs the last of the Hawaiian shirts into the suitcase and tries to close it. She jumps up and sits on the lid to try and get it shut.]

Hamster Girl: You aren’t doing shit! Our flight to America is only in an hour! I bet you didn’t even call a taxi yet.

Indigo: Don’t worry, I did. We’ll be there on time.

[Hamster Girl smiles the cutest smile you’ve ever seen and claps her hands.]

Hamster Girl: Yay!

Indigo: Don’t get too excited, I hear the place we’re going to work for is a real shithole.

[Hamster Girl pouts.]

Hamster Girl: Don’t say that!

Indigo: It’s true. They even had a guy running around covered in dookie with a scat gimmick.

Hamster Girl: What does scat mean?

[He brushes her neon pink hair and pinches her cheeks.]

Indigo: Something you don’t ever want to know about.

Hamster Girl: He’s gone now though, right?

Indigo: Yes, and he’ll never come back. We’ll make that place a much nicer environment to work in.

Hamster Girl: Yay!

[Indigo picks up the plane tickets from the desk and stuffs them into his back pocket. He takes Hamster Girl by the hand and leads her to the door.]

Indigo: Are you ready to start a new life?

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Axl 3:16 – part two.

September 20th, 2008
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Axl

Axl: STONECUTTER!

Viruz: Oh God, not again…

[Axl boots Vi, dressed in the Luke Warm costume he was told to purchase, and then drops the rip off of a rip off with a sloppy Stonecutter. Even sloppier than the real thing.]

Viruz

[Vi flies through the air, before slamming back first in the middle of a makeshift ring in the castle’s “courtyard”. Axl begins to stomp Vi down, as his brother yelps in pain.]

Axl: Had enough?

Vi: YES! Stop it for the love ah pete!

Axl: Alright, alright.

[Axl stops, and helps Vi up. Vi holds his gut with one hand and his neck with another, as Axl pats him on the back.]

Axl: Alright, go take a rest. You deserve it. … After the ASS kicking I just handed you, bwahahahahahahahahaha!!!

Vi: …

[Viruz heads into the castle. As he does, he passes Michelle.]

Michelle: It didn’t really hurt, did it.

Vi: Nah, but ya gotta give a dog a bone every once in a while.

Michelle: Aren’t you the nice one. Ya ever think about –

[Michelle whispers into Vi’s ear, as he begins to smile.]

Vi: Heheh… mmm, ya know, you’re one tempting little dish, Michelle.

[Vi looks into Michelle’s eyes… and the two begin to lean in closer… and closer… when – ]

Axl: Hey you two, what’s crack-a-lackin’!

[Axl claps Viruz on the shoulder, and Vi and Michelle look a bit uncomfortable.]

Michelle: Heyyy… I’ll be inside, you two have fun.

Vi: But – !

*door slams*

Vi: …

Axl: So, bro. How’d you enjoy having a few mudpies stomped into ya?

Vi: It’s mud HOLES, Axl. Mud – … Forget it. Hey, why don’t you cut a promo out here, and I’ll go screw your chick.

Axl: What?!

Vi: I said I’ll go inside and cook dinner, geez, you need to get your ears checked…

Axl: Huh… Sounded like you said –

*door slams*

Axl: … Aw well. [looks into the camera] Luke! I am your father! HAHAHA! Ahh, I crack me up… But seriously.

Axl: You used to be a legend here, Luke. An icon. A… really important dude. Now? You’re NOTHIN’. Nada, zip, zilch, not a single damn thing! And what am I? The biggest fuckin’ thing this sorry excuse for a company has to offer, and yet, I’m pullin’ the curtain, opening up the card by beating the crap out of your sorry, pathetic, worthless, dried up, has been ASS. But… it’s ok. Because I know, deep down within the confines of my cold, black, eeevil heart, that I WILL, soon, be back as a main-eventer!

[Wait… you were a main eventer?]

Axl: YES! I main evented… a couple of times.

[As in two? Or less?]

Axl: ATLEAST two! But regardless of how many times I’ve main evented on tv or ppv, I am absolutely destined to become a main eventer… and the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS!!! And I’m not going to let anyone stand in my way of accomplishing that goal, whether it be some bald-headed bumbledink HICK, such as Luke Warm, or even some euceleptis leaf munchin’ PANDA, such as American… uh… PANDA… !!!

Axl: Why?

Axl: Because I am… The Savior. I Am… The King. And I AM –

[Suddenly, the cameraman dozes off to sleep, due to intense boredom, causing the camera to crash to the ground, and go to – ]

*static*

Axl: Note to self… bribe the Great’s son Little Johnny into creating a robot camera man. I wonder if he could use any more plutonium…

|the|

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The Stand In

September 16th, 2008
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Jerri Li

[The woman paid to play Jerri Li, after the real one was eaten by Zombie Mr. Fantastic, is sat on a man bound to a chair as a piece of human furniture. Clive is there, because I’ve run out of imagination, along with a man named Hans who is acting as sadomasochistic adviser for the promo.]

Hans: Now, Jerri…

Jerri: My name’s Christie.

Clive: You’ve got to answer to Jerri or this will never be believable.

Jerri: But I don’t want to play this evil bitch, I just want to watch reruns of Xena: Warrior Princess.

[Hans motions with his hands in front of his chest, which either means something or he wishes he had big boobs.]

Hans: You’e going to need a lot of heart here Jerri, this man is here to take your abuse. You have to be cruel to be kind. There is an arrangement of weapons, tools and rusty metal over there and you have free reign.

Jerri: Why can’t BOB change her gimmick to, like, a girl who likes putting on makeup and shopping all the time?

[Hans covers his face and walks over to the weapons pit. He picks up a circular saw and angrilly thrusts it into Jerri’s hands.]

Jerri (shrieking): Holy shit! Get it away from me! Oh my gosh!

Hans: Clive, this is going to take a lot of work.

[Hans slaps the human furniture man across the face himself, making his nose bleed. Jerri faints at the sight of blood.]

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Would you…

September 10th, 2008
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Steve Studnuts

~~~Steve Studnuts’ reflection is imaged in a mirror. He appears to have just gotten out of the shower and is getting ready to shave. LOOK! He’s applying shaving gel! Mystery solved.

He hits “play” on a nearby CD player and “Goodbye Horses” by Q Lazzarus begins to fill the room. Click below to get the full experience. His following actions are not to say he is homosexual or a pupae transvestite. ~~~

~~~Back to Steve’s reflection, he’s now shaving and staring intently at himself~~~

Studs: Would you fuck me?

~~~He shaves his right cheek, which appears as though he just shaved his left cheek.~~~

Studs: Would you? Fuck me?

~~~He shaves his chin, which still looks like he’s shaving his chin.~~~

Studs: I’d fuck me so hard. I’d fuck me…. so hard. Heh.

~~~There’s a loud knock on the bathroom door.~~~

Studs: (startled) WHAT?

Woman’s offscreen voice: Steve? What are you doing in there?

Studs: I’m fuckin’ shavin’. Whadda ya want?

Woman’s offscreen voice: There’s a FBI agent at the front door. It’s a woman. You fucking her too?

Studs: Connie, chill out. She’s probably gettin’ a jump questionin’ me about stompin’ the shit out of The Great and Pete Trable at “Runnin’ on Empty” and killin’ them deader than fried chicken.

Woman’s offscreen voice: Oh sure! She looks like a lesbo, or at least a bi-sexual. And I know how you dig that.

Studs: (whispers to himself) I dig. Ya dig? (normal voice) Tell her I’ll call her later! I’m busy!

Woman’s offscreen voice: You tell her! Jizzabelle and I are going to Chippendale’s to see their new skinny dancer!

Studs: What the fuck? Okay, I’ll call her when I get time tonight. But before you go, could you call Trey and tell him not to take it personal when my Sun Valley Studs of the FOBL fucks up the Sin City Icons this weekend? I think he put some money into the team and is like a majority owner or somethin’.

A crushin’ defeat to the Studs could be the catalyst of a festering resentment that could lead to a main event showdown at MEGABRAWL III, especially since the Icons are favored to win. After Week 1, the Studs are ranked first and the Icons are number 2. Funny how imaginary fantasy football imitates real life fantasy wrestling. Shit, did I say that out loud? *ahem* Would you call him for me?

Woman’s offscreen voice: I’m not calling him! Every time I do he always begs for sex! It’s pathetic.

Studs: Yep, that’s my buddy Trey. Speaking of “buddies”, hey Plants, how about gettin’ your dumb ass on here and postin’ some promos so I don’t have to carry this fuckin’ tag-team all the time?

~~~He splashes on some Beast Aftershave® because it makes his smeel manely.~~~

Studs: I feel… like a jungle rat. The Great. Pete Trable. You faggots are goin’ to die. Don’t feel bad, at least for you, Great… you’ll no longer have to put up with your naggin’ bitch wife and those snotty, free-loadin’ kids. And Trable, you’ll finally be put out of your horrible white rapper gimmick misery. Just don’t come back as Zombie Pete Trable, okay?

On second thought, that’d be an improvement. So long as you didn’t rap. Especially if Axl gets ahold of your character again. Ya dig?

~~~He winks at his reflection~~~

Studs: (talking to his reflection) Let’s go pack that gear bag for Runnin’ On Empty. It’s time to bring sexy back to BOB.

~~~He turns off the bathroom light. Darkness.~~~

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Petite Slayer Rendition Uno

August 26th, 2008
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Sarah The Jobber Slayer

[Sarah “The Jobber Slayer” is seen staring at a poster of Jerri Li.]

Sarah: I can’t believe you have a poster of her on your wall.

[Kay Fabe puts a finger against the two-dimensional lips of Jerri Li.]

Kay: Well, she did touch me down there. No woman has ever touched me like Jerri Li touched me. Not even Seth.

Sarah: Um-kay.

Far-off voice, possibly Seth: Did you just call me a woman?

Kay Fabe

Kay: No, sweetie. Don’t you have a backstage segment you’re late for or something.

[Dead silence.]

Sarah: How are you feeling, Kay?

Kay: The tombstone through the stack of tables. Yeah, it kinda hurt. Thus, the neckbrace.

Sarah: Ah, didn’t even notice it. Thanks, Detached Narrator.

[Second Cousin of the First Evil, remember?]

Sarah: Yeah, whatever happened to that whole deal, DN?

Kay: You vanquished evil, because it’s what you do! You’re the chosen one! You’re the one and…, well, you’re the one of three Jobber Slayers. That we know of anyway.

Sarah: Where’s Freddy Prinze Jr. when you need him.

Kay: Zuh?

Sarah: He’s a writer for SmackDown.

Kay: Writer? *Pffft* Think you have a brain injury, missy!

Sarah: Right. Anywho. How do you think I’ll do inside of Jell-O in a Cell-O?

Kay: You’ll do great. Just don’t let her grab your groin, or you’ll get all aroused and distracted. Serious not goodness.

Sarah: Yeah, I often have THAT problem when women grab my crotch. *Rolls eyes* Say, first, let’s ask that guy who’s chained to your wall who he thinks will win.

Kay: Who, Josh G?

Sarah: Why do I know that name? Man, I’m having a massive mental block. It’s like somebody renditioned my brain.

Kay: Josh, who do you think will win when Sarah and Jerri wrestle in jell-o?

Josh G: Umm…Sarah?

Sarah: Sounds good to me. Well, there you have it, straight from the lips of the guy who is chained to Kay Fabe’s wall for no apparent reason.

Kay: (Mouthing the words) Mistress. Of. Pain. (She then does the Rob Van Spam thumb pointing thingee.)

Sarah: Ariel, this time, I won’t drop the title. Because all I have to do is pin you.

[Kay hands Sarah a banana. Sarah hands Kay a plastic bag.]

Kay: Oh, baby!

[Um, what’s in the bag?]

Kay: Oh, I totally made this banana super powerful for added extra slayage power. All Sarah has to do is slay Jerri with this banana and she’ll become the T&A XX Division Champion and live out her full life as a champion. It’s sort of like that movie about the little mermaid…what was that movie called?

[Right…but what’s in the bag?]

Kay: … Stuff.

Sarah: It’s some hair, OK?

[You’re giving Kay some hair? That’s…hot. Wait, it doesn’t look like you’ve cut your beautiful blonde hair.]

Sarah: Well, I haven’t…

[…But that would mean…SEXY!]

Sarah: Sexy? Brought it back.

Kay: And someday soon, she’ll grow her hair back. And Trey will probably make her cut it again. And hopefully Sarah will need another favor from me. Goddess, I’ve missed you.

Sarah: Ditto. Well, I’m outie. Bye.

[Sarah rubs the banana against poster Jerri’s lips. Fade to black.]

Sarah (Voice): She’s totally slayed. She just doesn’t know it yet.

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Sideshow

July 27th, 2008
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Kevin the Pyromaniac

[Kevin the Pyromaniac is on a date with a Vietnamese girl he found on google. She shares his interest in fire, but the sideshow he has brought her to is not quite her cup of tea.]

Kevin: Wow, so that’s what horse puke feels like.

[Kevin has his hands in a bowl of slime.]

Batak: Can we go? This is gross.

Kevin: Do you know how much blood and sweat it took to get tickets to this thing? It’s not every day you get fucked up stuff like this.

[The Vietnamese girl has a look on her face like she is pissed off down to the bone marrow.]

Kevin: Look at this, the skeleton of the world’s thinnest man… Jesus, someone should have just given this guy a ham sandwich.

Batak: Do you bring all your dates to places where they have pickled elephant fetuses in jars?

Kevin: Most of them can’t stomach the shit in these shows, they’d just run out screaming like a headless chicken.

[She taps her heel like she is about to do the same.]

Kevin: Look at this! The remnants of the exploded brain of the world record holder for most amount of salt water drank.

Batak: I’m supposed to do a spit take? That’s just shrivled up beef jerky.

Kevin: He had beef jerky for brains? That’s just stupid.

Batak: Can we just hurry and look at the rest of these things so we can leave?

Kevin: One second, I gotta go piss like a racehorse.

[As Kevin scurries away to the men’s room, the Vietnamese girl starts looking at some of the displays. There are rubber representations of the biggest snakes in the world, pickled intestines, photos of whitewash fences covered in dust and enough moths stuck to the wall with pins to feed a family for a week.]

Kevin: I’m back, shit, you ought to have seen some of the stuff they have in that bathroom.

Batak: Kevin, if you grew up a bit, you should work at a place like this.

Kevin: I work for Brawlers on a Budget and that’s never going to change, it’s not quite as good as being a pornstar but it’s the next best thing. I can’t drop everything just to work here, I’ve still got my autobiography to write.

Batak: Let’s just get out of here, you might have a sick mind, but I don’t.

[She pulls him by the arm, he opens and closes the fingers on his free hand to try and grab onto something.]

Kevin: But it was real, I’d finally made it here.

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To Stephen Hawking

July 17th, 2008

View This Rant!

Stephen, let me apologize for my brazen attempt to steal your thunder. All I want to do is wheel you to the ring, cheer for you, be your valet. There is no other agenda, other than maybe to use my hot body to make a crippled man walk again.

Let me help you, let me be the one to give you your sponge bath, dress you, shave your back if need be. I can clip toe nails like nobody’s business. I can make spaghetti.

I can do all the things you need me to do, maybe even help you win a few matches. So, what do you say Steve? Don’t you think I’m pretty? Don’t you think I’m sexy? Come on baby, let me know.

If you want to corner the market on this, I’ll disappear just as quickly as I appeared. I really think we’re a match that blows E-Harmony away. We’re both very intelligent. We’re both easy on the eyes.

You’re in a wheelchair and I have a small nub that resembles a cockroach on my upper shoulder. Nobody can have it all, right? We can be perfectly imperfect together.

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Starting small.

July 10th, 2008
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[The study of “Stupendous” Stephen Hawking. The genius himself sits before a roaring fire, a snifter of brandy close at hand. Much good that that will do him, but it’s a nice set dressing, I suppose. Steve blinks meaningfully at us and speaks.]

[Well, you know what I mean.]

Watch the Rant!

Extreme Machine.You are not just the lowest rung on the ladder as far as wrestlers go. You are the lowest rung on the evolutionary ladder as far as our species is concerned.

I shall begin my climb to the highest echelon of BOB with you, you semi evolved primate.

You shall be the first to fall before me, and I shall show no quarter as you lie squirming before my wheels.In science fiction, space and time warps are a commonplace concept.

They are used for rapid journeys around the galaxy, or for travel through time.But in reality, the only timewarp you will experience is when I hit you so hard that you wake up a week later with no memories of what has occured.Ha.Ha.Ha.You are so burned.I'm Steven Hawking.

The Smartest Man in Wrestling. Buy my books.

[Fade out]

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Load *New Wrestler,8,1

July 9th, 2008
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Watch the Rant!

You think you have seen it all in BOB?You think you're something special?You think wrong.The most intelligent wrestler ever to enter the squared circle is on his way.Everyone will fall before my wheels.

From extreme machine to whoever the O W T T M Champion is right now.I'm everything you want to be, but will never be.Smarter.Tougher.More famous.Slightly less mobile.I just hope the ring is wheelchair accessable.`Stupendous` Steve Hawkings.I'm on my way.To Big Bang the hell out of you.

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Applecore!

July 2nd, 2008

Mr. Fantastic

[Mr. Fantastic is in an orchard, already looking at the camera, biting into a bright green apple so that the juices run down in his chin. He throws the apple at a wall so that it explodes on impact. He puts on his sunglasses, with the lightning design, and points at the camera.]

Mr. Fantastic: Oh yeah… the Applecore Title. A hardcore match between me and 21 other men. Duke Thompson, supposedly the shit but he is just shit… where the fuck did my match against him go? I will bodyslam you so hard in this match you’ll be driven into next Tuesday. As for the other people, including WWE people. I’ve just got one thing to ask you.

[He unbuttons his pale blue designed shirt slowly and holds it like he just ripped it apart.]

Mr. Fantastic: What are you going to do? When the splash comes you will be wiped out, every single stupid one of you. You’ll poop your pants so forcefully the food wont even be digested yet. You dirty hardcore sumbitches don’t stand a chance against my 500 Megaton Pistons.

[He flexes his muscles for a while.]

Mr. Fantastic: I will be the first and only Applecore champion and that’s the bottom line motherfucker. I AM Applecore!

[Mr. Fantastic does his shirt back up.]

Mr. Fantastic: Now if you’ll excuse me, this orchard has a quality selection of ciders. I hope that means the same thing as it does back in Bacon.

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