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Yes. We. Can.

November 5th, 2008
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Axl

“I have a dream.”
– Axl… Savior Elect

[The camera opens…]

[… to 11pm]

[… to Chicago]

[… to November 4th, 2008.]

B.O. : America, we have come so far. We have seen so much. But there is so much more to do. So tonight, let us ask ourselves – if our children should live to see the next century; if my daughters should be so lucky to live as long as Ann Nixon Cooper, what change will they see? What progress will we have made? This is our chance to answer that call. This is our moment. This is our time – to put our people back to work and open doors of opportunity for our kids; to restore prosperity and promote the cause of peace; to reclaim the American Dream and reaffirm that fundamental truth – that out of many, we are one; that while we breathe, we hope, and where we are met with cynicism, and doubt, and those who tell us that we cant, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people:

Yes We Can. Thank you, God bless you, and may God Bless the United States of America.

[Something has happened.]

[On this day…]

[On this night…]

[Change has happened.]

[Yes… change has happened. Our camera pans across the humongous crowd… before switching to scenes all across the world, all of people reacting much the same as those in Chicago…]

[… Before finally opening outside the Residence of Evil.]

[Change has happened.]

[For what was once decked out as a simple home, bearing just a slight resemblence to a castle, has been paved over… and REPLACED with a castle. An actual, wood, stone, and brick castle, erected so tall that it casts a shadow over all that surrounds it. The drawbridge lowers down… resting across an actual moat, some twenty feet wide, leaving little room between the moat and the street. Two guards step through the giant door… and stand on either side of it, gripping one flag a piece… the left guard holding the American flag… the Right Guard ™ holding the new flag of Sinister City, which is a black flag, pre-made to be tattered and torn, with a skull adorned with a crown. Below the crowned skull there lies one simple word ;]

“Believe.”

[A trumpeteer marches through the door… blasting out “You Know You’re Right” in perhaps the absolute worst rendition of a Nirvana song EVER…]

[Axl follows through… and shoves the trumpet player from the bridge, sending him flying into the moat… where he is eagerly ripped to shreds and feasted upon by a horde of hungry crocodiles. Blood spreads throughout the water…]

[Axl stands tall upon the wooden surface of the freshly crafted drawbridge, wearing a long, flowing, yet totally trashed robe, and a crown upon his head. He removes a black baseball bat from within his robe… and rests it down upon his shoulder.]

[He smiles.]

Axl: Studnuts. Yeah, you… JERKWEED! Guess what? YOU LOST!

[A little yellow kid with brown hair and a blue vest walks on screen… points at the camera… and cackles.]

Nelson Muntz: HA-HAH!!!

[He then walks away… as Axl scratches his head.]

Axl: Huh… don’t remember seeing that kid around town… ANYWAY. Stevie… I’m sorry, but it seems as though “The Mac” got Barack Rolled!!! 367 to 171?! Dude, Barack whooped…that…ASS!

[The little yellow kid steps back into the picture…]

Nelson Muntz: I reiterate… HA-HAH!!!

[…before once again taking his leave.]

Axl: … I seriously need to hire some better knights… the security around this place is crap. Just like McCain’s chances of winning, STEVE-O!

[I thought you said in another rant that you were a Republican?]

Axl: Uh…

[This is just a desperate attempt to get a match with Studs, isn’t it?]

Axl: Well… YES. But I deserve a GREAT match at MegaBrawl 2, and seeing as Great obviously won’t accept an invite… I GOTTA FIND SOMEBODY! I will NOT be the girl that doesn’t have a date to the prom!

[Girl? Shouldn’t that be boy? Unless you’re hiding something that, well, everyone’s pretty much known since your arrival here?]

Axl: … I’M NOT GAY!

[Besides, you’re, phff, “fired”. Of course, that’s apparently not stopping you from competing at October Surprise…]

Axl: WHAT?! What are you insinating?! Of course I’m fired!

[Then why are begging anyone and anybody for a match at MB II?

Axl: Er… I forgot! I’ve got a bad memory, man… A really… bad memory. … HONEST.

[What a pity. Perhaps one of THE biggest events in the history of our nation just occured… and you’re busy trying to scrounge up a match for a BoB On-Demand.]

Axl: Not just ANY BoB On-Demand, dammit! The biggest BoB On-Demand in our country’s history. An On-Demand event that will begin a HUUUGE change in how America perceives our nation’s greatest icon.

[… Ronald McDonald?]

Axl: NO, YOU NINNY!!! ME!

[… PHFF, hahahahahahaha!]

[Nelson Muntz returns on screen, and begins to point at Axl, and presumabely laugh his fool head off… when Axl grabs ahold of the poor kids head, lifts him up above his own head, and tosses Nelson from the drawbridge, down into the waiting jaws of a croc. Axl then points down toward the moat…]

Axl: HA-HAH!!!

[Axl looks back into the camera.]

Axl: Ahem… excuse me for that, but there’s just something about kids that I simply detest. Something… evil. More evil than even I. And we just can’t have that, now can we?

Axl: Two weeks from now… I’ll have been in this company for two years. And for two years… two… long… years… I’ll have felt the greatest opression that any American citizen has EVER felt. An opression greater than that felt by chicks, jews and black dudes. An opression even greater than that felt by a black jew chick! Two years ago, I was a rookie. A rookie believing that he stood a chance of one day becoming the Only World Champion That Matters. And I did hold that title… I held that title, and I held the Swiss Army Title. And I held the leadership of the Hierarchy… the mayorship of this city, my Kingdom… and I held the distinction of being the only hair band leader in BoB history. But what happened to it all? I asked myself that earlier… staring into the mirror at a man wearing a rusty crown. I asked myself that… and the answers began to flood my mind.

The hair band? Gone. Because let’s face it, the only people who like hair metal are women over thirty… and those vile, dreadful gays.

The Hierarchy? Gone. Let’s face it, Kurt’s pretty much struck out on his own, which leaves me, Michelle, and my brother. Not much of a stable.

The Swiss Army Title? Gone… but more importantly? The Only World Title that Matters ; GONE. All because of that DAMN iAd…

Axl: But hey, I’ve gotta look at the silver lining, right? Grunge is sooo much better than glam. And why have a stable when the greatest brothers in wrestling can just form a tag team that surpasses even the nWo and DX COMBINED? And yes, there’s always the mayorship. I AM the King of Sinister City… and forever will be.

Axl: But the OWTTM… that is perhaps the greatest evidence that exists to point towards BoB’s opression of its very own Savior. Things are coming easy for today’s rookies… guys like Kobe Gyant, Stephen Hawking, and of course, that bastard, The Great. They’ve all entered BoB, and been HANDED the ball… while I? I had to scratch, I had to claw… I had to kill or be killed… and even then? Even then, I was left with nothing. Nothing but my girl, my bro, and the power over every Citizen in this city. But when it comes to BoB… well, I never was given a fair shake. And that ulimately led to me being fired… and disgraced. And all I have to show for it are the scars that still tarnish my gorgeous physique… the scars left by that CAD Sillicone M. Plants.

Axl: There are so many people to thank for the hell that’s been the past two years… The iAd, especially Steve Studnuts… Doc M. Plants… The Great… Death… Pigeon… and of course, the man… or should I say THING, that my bro faces at October Surprise ; American Panda. If it wasn’t for that panda, why… I would have never been fired in the first place! That’s right, you overgrown teddy bear! I KNOW what you did!

Axl: I know what you did… LAST SUMMER!

Axl: That’s right, I remember it like it were yesterday… And I bet you do as well, A.P. Remember? July 5th? UnFourGiven… it was the Beer in the Belly Ladder match. Now, I bet I know what you’re all thinking. What does A.P. have to do with the Beer in the Belly match, eh? I mean, you probably think A.P. couldn’t have POSSIBLY had anything to do with it… what with him not being in BoB and all, right? WRONG! It is a fact, a stone cold FACT, that American Panda… is actually Dr. THRILLA!!! You have all recognized by now that A.P. wears a mask? Have any of you wondered WHY? It should be obvious, but unfortunately, it takes a genius, such as myself, to unravel even the simplest of things for you people. The Truth is, underneath that mask, there hides the doctor we all THOUGHT fell into an Inescapable Pit of No Escape… but who in actuallity was none other than Garth Vader and Garth Maul’s father, Garth Sidious! That guy was just as ugly as Thrilla. Well… almost.

Axl: Thrilla took the case that was rightfully mine, fled the country for the past four months… and now? He’s returned, under a mask, and I BET you that when October Surprise rolls around, that bastard, Dr. ThrillAmerican Panda, will be the one to cash in the Beer in the Belly! And you want in on a little secret? He didn’t buy it on eTrey, like the big wigs in Brawler Tower over there in Bobford, Connecticut will tell you. Oh, no, no, no… He was HANDED the case, just like Hawking, Gyant, and The Great have been handed everything their entire stay here. And he was handed it by Trey Vincent himself! Because Dr. M Plants told him to! Because Steve Studnuts told him to! Because Death told him to! Because Pigeon told HIM to! It’s all a conspiracy I tell you! It’s all been a plot to keep me away from the OWTTM!!! It’s the Truth! It’s real! It’s a fact! It’s a DAMN fact!

[You really are nuts, aren’t you?]

Axl: You hush up, this doesn’t concern you! But what it all comes down to is this ; I’ve been held back from the OWTTM for too damn long. The only run I’ve had with it was a one month reign, which was cut short due to the MERE fact that the iAd cost me the title, and has nothing to do with me “trashing the title”, no matter WHAT you may believe.

[… But, uh, Axl? That IS the reason. That’s sorta why the iAd cost you the belt in the first place…]

Axl: LIES! All lies!

[But Axl -]

Axl: (covers ears and begins to scream) I’M NOT LISTENING, I’M NOT LISTENING, I’M NOT LISTENIIINGGG!!!

[Oh for pity’s sake…]

Axl: (uncovers ears) I’m not paranoid! I don’t have anger issues, I don’t take things too seriously… I’M PERFECT! And yet, the BoB administration, the BoB Substars, and the BoB FANS… what little of those there are… have all shunned me… and shackled me. I deserve better! I’ve always deserved better! I deserve better than anyone in this City… this country… I deserve better than anyone on the entire planet Earth!!! I AM A GOD! I AM A SAINT!! I AM A SAVIOR!!!

And it’s about fucking time somebody recognized this.

Axl: I have the intelligence to lead this city to becoming not only the capitol of Utah… but the capitol of the United States of America. I have the strength, the speed, and the sheer FORCE to lead the Hierarchy Brothers to a tag team title reign… and to become the OWCTM for a second time. And I have the talent, the ability, the skill, the power, and the unmatched EVIL-NESS… to lead BoB to becoming the most elite promotion in all of sports entertainment! BoB could be defeating WWE on a weekly basis right now… but they’re not. And why is this? Because they haven’t trusted me with the reigns… and yet, they do trust some fool like The Great-er Tot, some spineless coward like Silly Putty M. Plants, and some shiftless BITCH like Steven NumbNuts!!! They trust this lot of piss-poor piss-ants… but do they trust me? No…

But that will change.

I’ve never felt true acceptance in this company… in the entirety of my two years here, I’ve always felt like a second class citizen.

But that will change.

While others have risen to Greatness… While other have been deemed “Stupendous”, and been to made feel like a Gyant among men… I’ve felt like a man with no home. A homeless man if you will.

[…]

But that WILL change.

[Uhm, how exactly do you plan on changing it, if you really ARE “fired”? Hm?]

Axl: Uh…

[Yup, that’s what I thought.]

Axl: REGARDLESS! I’ve been told that I’ll never be on par with the other members of the roster for two full years… I’ve been told that I’m not on level with Studnuts, or M. Plants, or Death, or Trey, or even that idiot Great.

They’ve told me I can’t stand toe to toe with the main event players… They’ve told me I can’t defeat them. I’m here to tell them… To tell you ALL…

Yes. I. Can.

And yes I will…

Axl: And it all begins with October Surprise.

Axl: American Panda… if that is your real name. Change is coming… and it begins with you.

|th –

[Wait a second… if “Viruz” is facing American Panda…]

Axl: I’M NOT LISTENING!!!

|the|

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The Royal Mis-Treatment.

September 16th, 2008
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Axl

[Axl is sitting in the middle of the couch, flipping through the channels of his new tv (now only a 15 incher. Michelle refused to pay a cent). Michelle walks in.]

Michelle: Axl, have you seen the card?

Axl: Yup.

Michelle: So, are you going to cut a promo regarding Luke Warm?

Michelle

Axl: Yup.

Michelle: When?

Axl: Yup.

Michelle: … You’re not even listening to me, are you.

Axl: Yup.

Michelle: Dear sweet jesus w. christ… Forget it. I hope you get your ass stonecuttered!!!

Axl: Yup.

[Michelle is about to leave in a huff, when she looks through the window and sees Pigeon walking toward the dungeon, with two hands filled with to-go bags from McGreasyton’s.]

Michelle: … Axl, why is Pigeon walking toward, the dungeon, with two hands filled with to-go bags from McGreasyton’s? You don’t suppose Viruz didn’t chain Pigeon up properly, do you?

Axl: Yup.

Michelle: FAGGOT!!!

Axl: Yup.

Michelle: !!!

[Michelle turns back to the door, and this time DOES leave in a huff, as she slams the door behind her.]

Axl: YES! There we go, finally found something good. 24 hour Xena Warrior Princess marathon, here I come!

> > > meanwhile < < < Pigeon

[Pigeon walks into the dungeaon, arms carrying five or six paper bags of fast food.]

Pigeon: Alright, Mario, Tony, I’ve got the McSpaghetti and McRigatoni you fellas asked for… Rebecca, for you I’ve got the McSardinesAndSpinachBurger

Rebecca: EWWW! Ickie! I don’t want THAT!

Pigeon: Well, you didn’t specify what you wanted, so I just figured, what the hell.

Rebecca: I want something else!!! And NOW!!!

Pigeon: Well, let me put these bags down.

[Pigeon does so, before picking his nose for a good minute, and then lifting a golden nugget to Rebecca’s lips.]

Pigeon: There ya go, fresh from the bakery.

Rebecca: OH-MY-GOD! SICK! Get that away from me you sick freak!

Pigeon: As you wish.

[Pigeon devours the yellow morsel. He then picks up one bag, and pulls out a cherry pie.]

Pigeon: And snOw, I know how much you love pie, so, I got this for you.

snOw: Aww. Man, I’ve always been a poon-tang gal myself, but I guess cherry will have to do. Unless you’re willin’ to offer somethin’ up, Becky?!

Rebecca: I’M SURROUNDED BY FREAKS!!!

Pigeon: Well, we better hurry up and scarf this shit. Axl might be down here soon, and although I’m not afraid… you guys are pretty much secod-rate sub-characters used soley for the purpose of interaction. I wouldn’t be surprised if he took off all four of your heads, just because he stubbed his toe or somethin’. You guys are pretty much Star Trek crew members in red shirts. Disposable like soiled diapers, ya know?

All Four: …

Pigeon: But hey, look at the bright side. You get to spend the last of your days in a filthy, dirty, disgusting dungeon surrounded by rats and roaches, until Axl has enough of you clowns and decides to slice your heads off for the hell of it.

All Four: …

Pigeon: So… dig in!

Mario Spaghetti: It’s-ah me! Ah Mari-

Tony Spaghetti: Dammit, I hope Axl whacks you first, so’s I can have atleast ten seconds of my life without hearin’ that fuckin’ line!

snOw: Becky, before we go, how’s about we bang the hell out of eachother? There’s no better way to go out than by tastin’ the sweet, sweet juices of Lady Pussy!

Rebecca: NEVER!!! … Unless you get me really, REALLY drunk first. Or stoned.

Pigeon: Quoth the Pigeon… Bi-chicks rule.

Rebecca: I am NOT bi!

snOw: Yeah. That’s what they ALL say. :p

Rebecca: AGGHHH!!!

> > > meanwhile < < < [Axl is still sitting in the middle of the couch, eyes on the tv. He has viewed the BoB news brief, stating the card, and his match with Luke Warm.] Axl: Son of a BITCH! Why I am a stuck with such a... such a... HACK?! This guy hasn't shown up on the rant zone in ages, ever since he ran those cheap "viral" videos, and now I'm stuck facing him in the curtain jerker! This is ludicrous! This is proposterous! This is an outrage! This... This is - Michelle: This is your brain. [Michelle shows a photo of a woman.] Michelle: This is your brain after watching an Axl promo. [Michelle shows a photo of the very same woman, appearing with her face drastically contorted, ala the people who watched the video in "The Ring".] Michelle: Any questions? [Axl turns to Michelle. Who is sitting next to him on the couch. ... Yup.] Axl: Michelle! You're the HEAD BOOKER! Why am I not in the main event?! Why am I atleast not in the middle card?! I'm not a jobber, dammit! Michelle: Are you a nugget? Axl: What? Michelle: Nevermind. The thing is, baby, you just don't... well, see, the people don't... Axl: ... Michelle: You don't draw money for BoB. Axl: But none of the guys on the roster draw money for BoB! Michelle: Yeah, but you're the only guy on the roster that actually makes BoB LOSE money! Besides XXXTreme Machine, anyway, but atleast he's willing to be torn apart, shredded, and jobbed to hell and back. You on the other hand? You call in sick to work if you get a BUMP on your toungue! And now you're complaining about being in the opening match! Axl, I hate to say it, but for fuck's sake, even I feel like firing you sometimes! Axl: ... But honey... Michelle: Seriously, Axl. You're like a male diva or something. In more ways than one... Axl: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!!! Michelle: Nah, you can keep it. Axl: Ugh... Michelle, I deserve better treatment than this! I'm a super-duper mega star! I'm a KING! I'm BoB's only Savior! Michelle: Then why don't you start acting like it, and stop bitching, moaning, whining, complaining, getting pissed off at the slightest little thing, and being a paranoid, schizophrenic, delusional, spoiled rotten BRAT?! Axl: ... Because... Cuz I don't wanna. Michelle: Oh brother... Axl: Hey! That just gave me a great idea! Hmm... they want to put me in a match against Luke Warm? Well then, I say fine! I'll just fight fire with fire! Michelle: What do you mean? ... Actually, why am I asking, I'm sure you'll explain to me for the next thirty or forty minutes... Axl: You're wrong for once, Michelle! I'm keeping my lips sealed! Michelle: Thank god for that... Axl: I've got to get in touch with my brother... there's some work to be done... [Axl lifts himself up off the couch and heads out through the door... leaving Michelle to the tv.] Michelle: Xena Warrior Princess? 24 hour MARATHON?! Goddamn, Axl's more of a chick than I am... Michelle: I wonder if there's any titty flicks on... |the|

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Yo Quiero Heart Transplant!

September 10th, 2008
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Pigeon

“This is where it all begins.”

“The long, hard road to rediscovery.”

“The place where I finally decide to stare down the face of countless filth…”

“… so I may take their punishment…”

“… the pain… the sweet, sweet pain…”

"Thank them… and ask for more."

“This is the beginning…”

“… the end is nowhere in sight.”

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

[Pigeon steps through the front door of “Doc Taco’s All You Can Eat Mexican Buffet and Regional Hospital”. The floor is caked in mildew… littered with the crumbs of taco shells long forgotten… stained with the urine of those who were just too damn lazy to find the bathroom. The walls… covered with framed pictures of enchiladas, tosdadas, and bygone specials of the day. The smell is thick… Tainted beef. Rotten tomatoes. Moldy cheese. And the disgusting stench permeating from the operation room…]

Doc Taco: Ah, mucho better-o, senor U.S.A.! Hows do joo t’ink joo feeling?

U.S.A. : …

Doc Taco: Oh sheeet… he is dead, I’m t’inking. Maybe that last time I was being stuffing his mouth with chili peppers, to try and reccusitate him… maybe not such the good idea, ci?

U.S.A. : …

Doc Taco: Aw well. Hee’z parts should make good tacos! I am being out of good taco meat. Good thing he muchos, muchos fatso! Dees medical gig sure do make for mui beuno way to provide customers with spicy mexicano food! And toes.

[Suddenly, the door to the operation room bursts open, Pigeon storms in, and the Bird of Prey blasts the good doc with a bedpan, splitting him open, and spilling blood from his forehead. The doctor falls backward, ontop of the now deceased Uncle Sam Alabaster, as the examining bed slides backward.]

Pigeon: [screaming] TELL YOUR PATIENTS… TELL EVERY LAST FUCKIN’ CITIZEN… THE PIGEON IS HERE. AND HE’S NOT LEAVING UNTIL HE BUSTS DOWN THE DOORS OF THE HIERARCHY’S CASTLE, AND RIPS OUT THE THROAT OF THAT FUCKING BASTARD AXL! QUOTH THE PIGEON…

… Evermore.

[Doc Taco tries to sit up, but Pigeon picks up a needle filled with tranquilizer… and stabs the doctor in the forehead, close to the waterfall of cascading blood. Taco becomes woozy… before his eyes roll into the back of his skull, and he falls backward, sliding off of U.S.A., and to the hospital / resteraunt floor. Pigeon drops the needle to the floor, and smiles sickly…]

Pigeon: Welcome… to the Bio-Dome.

[Pigeon flaps his arms, leaving the building… with Doc Taco unconcious, but still with the message to his fellow citizens lodged in his mind.]

[Pigeon is coming for the Hierarchy.]

[And their time is Running on Empty.]

|the|

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Mama Mia!

September 3rd, 2008
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Axl

[The camera opens outside a little, family-owned pizza shop in downtown Sinister City. Potted plants, sprouting with flowers, are on either side of the front door… Pictures of mushrooms adorn the shop window… And oddly enough, instead of other various pizza toppings, these mushrooms are joined by pictures of stars, leaves, and feathers. The sign above the door reads – Spaghetti Bros. Pizza Place…]

[A few moments pass, and Axl, his brother Viruz, Michelle, and an unknown woman all step inside the establishment… our camera joins them inside.]

Axl: Michelle, I still don’t know why you had to bring HER along…

Woman: And I don’t know HOW you wound up as mayor of this city. I’ve been dreaming of being mayor ever since I was a girl, and-

Axl: Oh, will you SHUT the HELL UP!!!

[The woman sticks her tounge out at Axl, and Axl immediately lunges forth, trying to rip the toungue out. Viruz quickly pulls his brother back before any harm can be done.]

Michelle: Axl, will you atleast try and act civil? Just because snOw is the sister to former Hierarchy member raYne, whom you kicked out of the team because he was homosexual, and you wish to clear up the rumors of your sexuality being not-so-straight… DOESN’T mean she’s a lesbian!

Axl: Run-on sentence much?

Michelle: Hey, I’ve heard some of your hour long speeches. Compared to your rants, that was nothing…

Axl: And besides, how do you know I think she’s a lesbian? … I mean, why do you THINK I think she’s a lesbian…

Michelle: Why else would you hate her with such an intense, burning passion?

Axl: Simple. She’s related to raYne. AND RAYNE WAS GAY!!!

snOw: Well maybe I am a lesbian! So what, big whoop, wanna fight about it?

Viruz: But… then why are we going on this double date? … I don’t want to date a lesbian!

snOw: Hell, how do we know you’re not a chick under that mask?

Viruz: HEY! I’m a man! A MANLY man!

Michelle: Alright guys, we’re at the table. Let’s just all sit down and try to have a nice, calm, friendly meal, capice?

[The four of them sit down, and after a few moments, a man walks up to the table with three menus. He wears a red cap, with a red ‘M’ in the center of a white circle. He also wears red suspenders, and an apron with the “Spaghetti Bros. Pizza Place” logo across the front. He hands the three menus to Viruz, Michelle, and snOw…]

Axl: Hey, where the hell’s my menu? You DO know who I am, don’t you?

Mario Spaghetti: It’s-ah you, the King of-ah Kings! Excuse-ah me, my leige, I make-ah the mistake! I am-ah so sorry, but you see, it is my brother Luigi. Sometimes, he tell-ah me, “Mario”, that’s my name you see, he says “Mario, there is-ah three people out-ah there, you bring-ah them three menus!” So-ah I bring the three menus, and the table? She has FOUR-ah people! So you see-

Axl: OK, OK!!! I get it. Can you go tell your stupid brother that he forgot one customer. The most important customer he could ever HAVE in this shit-hole of a dump! His King! You go tell him that, and I’m sure he’ll shoot himself in the fuckin’ head… AFTER he brings me my fuckin’ menu!

Mario Spaghetti: No problemo! One-ah menu, comin-ah right up!!!

[Mario takes off, leaving Axl bordering on the verge of a mental meltdown.]

Viruz: Chill bro, chill! Relax, and drink some Dr. Pepper!

[Axl swats the glass away, spilling its contents all over the floor.]

Viruz: … That was my drink.

Axl: No shit, sherlock, you think I’m gonna waste MINE?!

Viruz: …

Axl: That fuckin’ guido better not take a friggin’ year to bring out my menu! Dammit, how incompetent can one resteraunt be?!

snOw: About as incompetent as you in charge of a city?

Axl: Seriously, one more word… ONE MORE WORD!!!

snOw: Faggot…

Axl: YOUR BROTHER WAS A FAGGOT!!!

snOw: HE WAS MY HALF BROTHER!!!

Axl: Grrr…

snOw: AND YOU’RE ONLY HALF A MAN!!!

Axl: THAT’S IT!!!

[As Axl lunges once more at snOw, with Viruz playing referee, Luigi walks up to the table, with the menu… as well as a striking resemblence to his brother Mario. In fact, the only thing different between the two is the color variation of the suspenders and hat. Instead of sporting red, Luigi is clad in green… with a green ‘L’ in the middle of a white circle on his cap…]

Axl: … [grabs menu from Luigi] Thanks. … But uh… say. You look awfully… familiar…

Viruz: Isn’t that…

Luigi Spaghetti: It’s-ah me, ah-Luigi!

Axl: … Dude, you’re Mario.

Luigi Spaghetti: … It’s-ah me, ah-Lu –

Axl: Seriously, cut the bullshit. You changed your hat, changed your suspenders… Hell man, you have the exact same mole on your right cheek!

Luigi Spaghetti: … Forgive-ah me, your highness, but I’m-ah no Mario! Mario… he the star of-ah this resteraunt! All the lil’ pisanos? They look up to him-ah, you see. The people of this city… why, they-ah love his pizza. His pizza is second to none… Not even mine.

Axl: Oh, well –

Luigi Spaghetti: And I make-ah the good pizza, too! Mama mia, it’s-ah filled with the spicy meat-ah deh-balls, the best-ah sauce, the best-ah mushrooms, the best-ah fire flowers-

Axl: Fire flowers…

Luigi Spaghetti: But does Pasta-tendo care? NO!!! She only wants-ah Mario to sponor her fancy shmancy kids cuisines!!! THAT SUNAMUGGUN DRIVES-AH ME UP THE FUCKIN-AH WALL!!!

Axl: …

Luigi Spaghetti: So… uh… you fine-ah folks have anything you’d-ah like to order?

Axl: Yeah, another waiter…

Luigi Spaghetti: FINE-AH! Be like all-ah the otha’ macaroni-brained noodleheads! You want-ah that chump brother of-ah mine?! GO RIGHT AHEAD, SEE IF I CARE!!! But-ah remember-ah dees words – Luigi Spaghetti WILL NOT DIE!!! It’s Us-ah vs Them-ah, and whether they-ah want to admit it or not, I AM the better Spaghetti Brother! Because I’m 2Xtreme-ah! I’m Luigi… V-ONE-AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!~!!!!1!1!~1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Axl: …

Luigi Spaghetti: !

Axl: GET YOUR BROTHER!!!

[Luigi storms off, and Mario soon returns.]

Axl: Now that you’re here…

Mario: What-ah can I bring for you, my good-ah sire?

Axl: I want you… to call Luigi to the table.

Mario: … What?

Axl: You heard me. Call… your brother… to… the table. If he really IS your brother, and not just you changing out of a red cap and suspenders into a GREEN cap and suspenders, then he’ll come. If he’s really you, trying to pass this crummy dump off as a “family establishment” when in fact your running an underground training camp for your secret, anti-Hierarchy resistence militia? Well, we’ll find out the truth, won’t we?

Mario: … LUIGI! Can-ah you come out to the table, please…

Luigi: [from the kitchen] I can’t bro, I’m-ah doin’ the dishes!

Mario: Sorry chief, but-

Axl: LIAR!!! That was obviously a trick of ventriliquism!

Viruz: Oh come ON Axl!

Michelle: [whispering to snOw] Hey… you ever been in a three way?

snOw: Yeah, but I’m not touching Axl with a ten foot pole…

Michelle: Who said anything about Axl? I’m sure my sister’s friend Kay isn’t busy…

snOw: …

Axl: Viruz, these two MUST prove to me to be loyal subjects, and not treacherous rebels! Hell… they might be DEMOCRATS!!!

Viruz: … Didn’t you vote for Obama?

Axl: Only because it’s between him and Dick Cheney. And I HATE old people. Even moreso than Obama’s people…

Viruz: Whoa, whoa, WHOA! You are NOT racist! What do you MEAN “Obama’s people”?!

Axl: Democrats… why, what’d you think I meant?

Viruz: Uh… nothing… nevermind.

Mario: Ok-ah Luigi, come in here. We got-ah prove our “loyalty”. Plus-ah, we got-ah hurry this shit up, cuz-ah Leary’s gonna have a bitch fit if this rant runs any longer…

[A few moments pass and… nothing happens.]

Axl: Mario… have any last words before you’re sent to the guillotine?

Mario: BUT –

[Suddenly, Luigi walks into the room.]

Axl: That’s not Luigi.

[… It isn’t?]

Axl: No, that’s…

[Axl walks toward “Luigi”, removes the hat, the apron, and the fake mustache, to reveal – ]

Axl: … Tony Spaghetti! Former Hierarchy member, and former tag team partner to THAT [points at snOw] bitch’s brother!!!

Tony Spaghetti: Alright already! Yoos t’ink ya know everythin’, dont’cha! Well, I bet’cha didn’t know I was runnin’ a secret, anti-Hierarchy, resistence militia training camp under THIS VERY ESTABLISHMENT! … Ovah hee-yah.

Axl: Actually…

Tony Spaghetti: Or that THAT [points at snOw] woman is my co-commander… as well as LOVER!

[snOw stands up from the table, walks toward Tony, and the two share a long, passionate kiss. Viruz buries his head in his hands.]

Viruz: Great… my first date EVER, and this is how it ends? I’d rather her have been a lesbian…

Axl: Dude, you’re 28 and this is your first date? *cough* NERD *cough*

Viruz: Maybe I CHOSE not to date, you ever think about that?!?! … *begins to sob quietly to himself, covering his face by his palms* Oh who’m I kidding…

Tony Spaghetti: So prepare!

Mario Spaghetti: Prepare-ah!

Tony Spaghetti: For the fall of the Hierarchy…

Mario Spaghetti: The fiery downward-spiral-ah!

Tony Spaghetti: … is upon you!

Mario Spaghetti: Upon each and every-ah one of –

Tony Spaghetti: OK! They get the point, sheesh…

Axl: Tony… you seem to forget. This is MY city. I hold all the cards here. And what I say? Goes. And it just so happens that two of your waiters here this evening are in FACT – my Knights of the Hierarchy!!!

[Three men in aprons… and body armor… grab Tony, Mario, and snOw. You’d think with the armor they would have been just a tad bit more noticeable…]

Mario Spaghetti: You-ah dirty, rotten, low-down, no-good steenkin’ whadjamacallit!

Tony Spaghetti: Your gonna pay for this, Axl! You hear me?! YOU’RE GONNA PAY!

snOw: This is SO not the day I had imagined when I got out of bed this morning…

Axl: Drag their sorry asses to the dungeon, all three of them! Hopefully they’ll find good company with that wench, Rebecca Mulesface or whatever her name is. And Viruz…

Viruz: Yeah, bro?

Axl: Call up cousin Harvey. This city needs a good eating establishment, and this place just isn’t cutting it. I want him to turn this into Sinister City’s new “McGreasyTon’s”!!!

Viruz: Huh… are you sure Harv’s the man for the job? I mean… he currently lives in Aunt Virginia’s basement… plus, he’s only 5…

Axl: Yeah, but the kid’s got SPUNK! And that’s what my Kingdom needs right now. A little guy to look up to… or, uh… down to, and to prove that even they, those hairy, unwashed zits of so-called human beings, can be of service to me… even in the smallest of capacities!

Viruz: Well… alright. I’ll see what I can do…

Axl: Excellent…

> > > meanwhile… < < < Pigeon

[Pigeon is seen walking past the sign for “Doc Taco’s All You Can Eat Mexican Buffet and Regional Hospital”. The building resembles a slighty deteriorated Taco Bell… only with a Red Cross symbol replacing the Bell sign above the front door. Pigeon stares at this…]

Pigeon: Maybe someone here can tell me… Where is Axl. And more importantly… WHAT ABOUT PIGEON?!?!

|the|

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Wanted.

August 19th, 2008

Axl

[Axl is seen headed toward the same alleyway where Pigeon was left a bloody mess after Triple S led the way. But instead of finding Pigeon, Axl only finds a note…]

“Home is where the heart is, they say…
My heart has left this place.
So have I.

Quoth the Pigeon… It sucks to be poor.”

Viruz

[Axl crumples up the message, and tosses it down upon the rest of the street litter. He turns to Viruz.]

Axl: The bum’s fled this place. But I know he’s still in the city… I can sense it. He’s still looking for pain… punishment… he still wants to prove a point.

Viruz: He wants to impress that crazy bitch, Jerri Li. Personally, I don’t know what he sees in her… I’d never date someone who make’s Angelina Jolie’s bedroom habits look tame by comparison…

Axl: The way I look at it… he doesn’t deserve her. A street urchin like him is just like the litter that floods this alleyway… Ordinary, everyday garbage. And when he meets the two of us, I’m going to make damn good and sure that we take out that piece of trash. He wants pain? He wants torture? Bro, there’s only so much torture the human body can handle… so much damage… so much carnage…

Axl: … Till it breaks.

Axl: And at the next show? I WILL break the Bird. I will destroy him… I will hurt him so bad… WE will… to the point where he loses the ability to walk… to the point where his beloved Jerri will find him useless… Just as he was to the Hierarchy.

Viruz: Jeez, bro. When you get pissed at someone, you really hold a grudge…

Axl: Bro… You know I love you. You know I respect you. But never… EVER… question my judgement. Are we clear?

Viruz: … Sure?

Axl: Good. Now, get on the website, and post a bulletin. I want everyone in the City to know that if they come in contact with Pigeon, that I want them to treat him with the same level of mercy that their King would.

Axl: None.

> > > Hierarchy’s MySpace Page … Bulletin for August 18th < < < "Attention citizens. Be on the lookout for a disheveled street walker, with long hair, wearing a black kilt. Goes by the moniker "Pigeon". Wanted for crimes against the Hierarchy. If found, do not capture. Do not kill. Instead, use any force you may to leave this individual on the verge of serious injury. But leave him in good enough condition to compete in his final match in BoB... against the King and his Trusted Advisor at the upcoming BoB On-Demand event. All citizens who participate in the bruising of this begger will be rewarded handsomely for their services. That is all. - Vi" > > > hours later < < < ? ? ? : Hmmm... [A hand is seen grabbing a "Wanted" poster from off a Sinister City store wall... The hand leads to a body... that of Sinister City's most famous car salesman, as well as most hated bigot, Big Uncle Sam Alabaster.] [U.S.A. stares at the poster, with the words reprinted from Viruz' message on the Hierarchy MySpace...] U.S.A. : Hm. Well, well, well. I do declare... seems as if I've got another customer, even if I do say so myself, heheheh... U.S.A. : Oh you nasty little bird you... you're about to find yourself on the wrong end of the Big Unc's front tahrs, and when I'm done with ya? You're gonna be beaten down worse than those damn Iraqians at the hands of this good nation's finest men and women! But mostly men. U.S.A. : Praise America... Praise U.S.A.!!! [The big man drops the poster to the ground... as the camera fades out on Pigeon's face... the face of a man headed for a long, long few weeks...] |the|

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Return.

August 16th, 2008

Axl

> > > The Castle Court Yard < < < [A ring is set up... or more like, four poles driven into the ground with tattered rope tied around each, and a blue tarp layed down in the center. It seems as though, even with all the changes Axl has been trying to make, he can't escape the desire to put on rigged matches simply to put himself over. Some things never change...] Michelle

Michelle: Ladies and gentlemen!

[The camera shows that there are six or seven chairs set up. Six or Seven EMPTY chairs…]

Michelle: The following contest is scheduled for one fall, and is for the “Hierarchy King of Kings Championship” !!! Introducing first, he is the leader of the Hierarchy… he is the King of Sinister City… and he is the CHAMP! King… Axxxlll!!!

Speakers: Kill me with a beat.

[“Do You Call My Name” hits on an invisible stereo, and the newly installed drawbridge lowers down across the newly created moat. Of course, the “drawbridge” is merely the same old door the “castle” originally had, only with new mechanisms attached to allow for it to move downward, instead of to the side. And the “moat” couldn’t be any more than a foot deep, and 2 or 3 feet wide… Gee, Axl really went all out, didn’t he?]

[Axl walks across the “drawbridge”… which promptly breaks apart, sending Axl dropping onto his hands and knees in the shallow “moat”, causing his nice… torn and shredded jeans and king’s robe to become slightly soaked.]

Axl: GODDAMIT! Fuck! That’s it, this moat is GONE!!! Sir Richard! Replace this door at once, and have it swing from the SIDE, not downward! Got that?!

Sir Richard: Ci.

Axl: You’re damn right Ci… To shining Ci, mother fucker! Ugh, I just had my personal designer shred these pants! Now they’re all wet! Yuck! Well, no matter, I’ll just have him buy me and shred me another pair. These damn things are too tight on me anyhow…

Michelle: You better not be gaining any more weight! I’ve been sure to hide all the junk food lately… I’ve noticed that extra pound you put on!

Axl: Aw cram it, it’s not like you haven’t added a pound or two to that “slim figure” of yours! Sir Richard, get me the hell out of this muck! I’ll be damned if I stand up by myself!

Sir Richard: Ci…

[Sir Richard, Knight of the Hierarchy, lifts Axl from the moat, and the King heads toward the makeshift ring. He pulls a title belt out from its place attached to the inside of his robe… A belt made of cardboard, with hastily drawn words which pronounce it the “Hierarchy King of Kings” title. You’d think with how many belts Axl’s made for himself, he’d have gotten atleast a bit better at it by now but… not the case, apparently.]

[Axl places his robe and crown on the outside of the “ring”, as Michelle begins to announce the challenger…]

Michelle: And his opponent… hailing from Samich, Connecticut… he is the former We Win Everything champion… He was the leader of the sWo, when that guy Reeve Gordon was away filming ‘Santa With Muscles 2: Tables, Ladders, and Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire’… he is the MANG-ah, and he’s just that… damn… Jawesome. Ladies and gentlemen…

[Camera pans over the six or seven empty chairs once again… you’d think Axl would have had a few of his “faithful” citizens view the match… and if they decline, he could always use some more warm bodies in the dungeon…]

Michelle: … This… is… Tripleeeee S!!!

[“It’s Time to Play So Lame” by Some Generic “Alternative” Rock Band hits, and the crowd goes monkey… well, atleast, the sounds of a crowd bleeds over the song on whatever imaginary stereo Axl has provided for the event. Triple S walks to the “moat” from within the castle, and hops over the wrecked “drawbridge”. Trips has been off touring Japan’s high school gymnasiums and bingo halls ever since his departure from BoB. But now, he’s back… well, back for one night to do the quick j.o.b. to MacBry’s new head character.]

Michelle: HEY! I’ll sooo have Kay Fabe knock the crap out of you!

[Sorry, sorry… sheesh. Trips walks over to the ring, stands at the ropes, sips from a bottle of tap water, before spitting it out… mainly because, let’s face it, tap water tastes like shit.]

[Trips gets into the ring and grabs a microphone from out of thin air, and as Axl yawns, Trips speaks…]

Triple S: God it’s been a long time… Ya know, I’ve been over in Japan for the past FOUR years… and lemme tell you, their crappy wrestling venues are alot worse than our crappy wrestling venues! It’s good to be back here in America, where an injury-prone, self-absorbed, narcissistic, sledge-hammer wielding roid-head gets the respect he so richly deserves! I’ve been away from BoB for far too long… the camera misses me. And having a BoB camera here, right before my very eyes, takes me back to that second episode of WWE… where Vince Mackmin and I layed down the gauntlet for not only the We Win Everything roster, but all those Brawlers in the lockeroom. We were destined to lead the sWo to the very TOP of the business… it was nearly set in stone. But then? That stupid son of a bitch BigBOSS had to let us go.

Triple S: Biggest mistake of his life.

Triple S: I’ve always been destined for greatness, and –

[Axl rips the microphone out of Trips’ hand, and speaks into it.]

Axl: Trips! The only man in BoB that gets to spend an hour talking is ME, so get that through your friggin’ skull right now. Now, the only reason, and I mean the only reason you’re here is to do the job to me, so get to jobbin’!

[Axl drops the microphone, Michelle signals for the bell [which, like the stereo, is also invisible…], and the Queen takes the position of referee. Axl kicks Trips in the gut, he doubles over, and Axl loads the Mang-ah up for the Evil-Lution Bomb… but wait, Triple S actually backbody drops Axl onto the tarp? With Axl holding his back in pain, Trips grabs the mic…]

Triple S: I don’t do the job for anybody, CHUMP. I have others do the job for ME, got that pal? Now, Michelle, sweetie, get that hand ready. You’re about to count the fall.

[Triple S pulls Axl off the tarp, loads him up, and drops him with the Peticure! He then goes for the cover, and Michelle reluctantly counts the pin…]

Michelle: I can’t believe this… Your winner and new “Hierarchy King of Kings” champ… Triple S?

[Michelle holds the belt, and Trips grabs it out of her hands… Before picking up the microphone.]

Triple S: [Trips lowers himself above Axl, who is coughing and wheezing vehemently] Axl… you think you can just push around everyone you meet? Your “knights”, your citizens… the BoB roster, even the BoB commentator’s for pete’s sake? Well, buddy boy, it’s time you had a little taste of your own medicine. It’s time someone showed you how it feels to be kicked in the ass for doing nothing more than look at you. Ya see… I didn’t get this belt for myself. Even though I love the idea of being champion, as anyone probably does, there’s only one man that deserves this particular belt. Simply because you held it just to boost your own ego.

Triple S: Quoth the Mang-ah… Game On.

[Trips slings the belt over his shoulder, and heads toward the gates of the castle, where Sir Lancelot stands guard. He tries to put up a brave front, but with one menacing glare from the current “King of Kings” champ, the Good Sir gingerly backs down, and allows for the Mang-ah to pass through and out into the city… no telling where he could be headed…]

|to be continued|

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Vicous Cycle.

July 27th, 2008

Pigeon

“Love is a vicous cycle.
Seeped in torment…
Washed in guilt…
Bleeding with pain…”

“With one fell swoop, a life is forever damaged.
With one fell swoop, a life can be healed.
With one fell swoop… it all begins…”

“Again.”

“I seek the pain… and embrace its touch.
For that which is cold… is rippling with warmth.
That which is dark… is the brightest light.
And that which is hurt-y… will forever bring love.”

“The end is only the beginning.
The spike’s point… the whips brush…
The chain’s lash… The toilet’s flush…
Will send you soaring higher…”

“… than heavens above.”

“Quoth the Pigeon…”

“… Here Comes the Pain.”

– coo –

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Drunken Stupor

July 23rd, 2008

Jerri Li

[We open with a close up of a beer can as it’s ring pull is torn off. Foam sprays out with a hiss as the camera pans out to reveal that it is T&A XX Division Champion Jerri Li in possession of the can, drunk out of her mind and being helped home by some guy named Jimmy (who isn’t even half as drunk).]

Jimmy: Just a couple more blocks.

Jerri: Are… *hic*… are… where are you taking me?

Jimmy: Back to your apartment, you got kicked out of every bar we went to for starting fights.

Jerri: Bu whas the point of getting drunk if you doen start fights?

Jimmy: Laughing with people? Everyone we were with tonight were the same sort of people as you, but you managed to upset even them with your constant violence talk. You made that one girl cry when you started ranting about microwaving babies.

Jerri: Its to keep them warm!

Jimmy: And I don’t think that British guy will ever be the same again after you called him a baked bean eating limey and insulted his teeth. He nearly cried when you offered to scoop them out with a broken beer mug!

Jerri: Weren’t these supposed to be masochist friends of yours?

Jimmy: They like to be slapped and maybe whipped.

Jerri: That’s it?! You’d better be more hardcore than them.

Jimmy: Hey, I like staples and dressing like a baby… isn’t that enough for you?

Jerri: Hell, I wanted you to scoop my teeth out with a broken glass.

[Jerri drunkenly brushes her fingers through her hair.]

Jimmy: I’m not a mind reader, alright? This isn’t every day stuff.

[Jerri squeezes him too tightly.]

Jerri: Come on you fucking pimple head, I want you to burn me with an iron and stick worms in the wounds. I sat through that god damn Tentin Quarentino film with you, I’m sure I deserve some broken plate pieces instead of this stupid ball and gag nonsense.

Jimmy: Jesus Christ, you deserve to fall down the stairs whilst puking everywhere.

[Jimmy drops Jerri onto the concrete and takes off like a bullet. Jerri removes the leather jacket he gave to her to reveal a watermelon patterned top underneath. Jimmy gets onto his motorcycle and drives off.]

Jerri: The extreme guys are usually falling all over me, I thought he would’ve liked the broken mirror pieces, fish hooks and barbedwire I had superglued to the wall. I was hoping he’d push me up against it.

[The scene fades to black as Jerri crawls along the sidewalk to her apartment. She manages to get on her hands and knees as she pushes through the gate.]

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Hail to the Kings.

July 20th, 2008
Comments Off on Hail to the Kings.

Axl

[The scene: The Residence of Evil. The time: 10 o’clock PM, July 19th, 2008. Pigeon and Roydz have just entered through the front door, wearing the Sinister City jerseys they wore to the game. The game they lost. The game Axl bet on… and is now more than pissed off about. As Pigeon and Steve make their way toward the living room couch with solemn expressions, Axl leaps from the couch and clutches Pigeon by his t-shirt collar, pinning him to the wall, as Steve shakes in his tennis shoes.]

Axl: DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID?! DO YOU?! WELL, DO YOU?!

Pigeon

Pigeon: Dude, seriously, try mouthwash.

Axl: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?! ARE YOU MOCKNG ME?! Do you understand that I brought you up from being a jobber to a… well, not exactly a main eventer… or even really a mid-carder… BUT ATLEAST YOU’RE NOT MICHELLE’S BITCH!!!

Pigeon: Yeah, now YOU get that privilege!!!

Axl: WHAT?! I am NOT Michelle’s, nor anyone ELSE’S, bitch! When I dropped Rose like a bad habit, I broke off onto my own! Michelle and I are equals! 50/50!!! Isn’t that right, honey!

Michelle

Michelle: You mean 20/80, sweetie. You’re forgetting I’M the one with the real power around here.

Axl: … 40/60?

Michelle: 20/80.

Axl: … 30/70?

Michelle: 20/80.

Axl: 25/75, FINAL offer.

Michelle: 20/80.

Axl: [turns back to Pigeon] So, as I was saying, me and Michelle are 20/80 partners. EQUALS!!! … More or less.

Michelle: I’m more, you’re less…

Axl: But you, Pigeon? Or anyone ELSE that isn’t named Michelle, Viruz, Kurt or Garth? Well, the Truth is, noone else is on the same level as the Hierarchy. That’s why we’re CALLED the Hierarchy. Because in this business, there’s a certain order one must follow. There’s the jobbers… there’s the mid-carders… there’s the main-eventers… and then? Then, there’s the people like me and Michelle, that look down on eeeeveryone else, and LAUGH, because while they toil… while they pick fights with eachother and scrape and claw and bruise just to reach the heights of mediocrity, WE’RE on an entirely different plane of existence. We’re the shit.

Axl: Everyone else? They’re just… plain… SHIT.

Pigeon: Your breath SMELLS like shit…

Axl: PIGEON! That’s the last word I’ll hear out of you! Quoth Axl… Nothing more! While the OLD Axl just stood by and let people talk down to him, the NEW Axl will be DAMNED if some no-talent, piss-ant, waste of flesh spouts off at the mouth when what he SHOULD be doing is praising me… WORSHIPPING the ground I walk on!

Pigeon: The hell are you goin’ on about?

Axl: Oh? You think I haven’t been watching the replays on G5? Pigeon, you’re PATHETIC. And not to mention rather stupid.

Pigeon: Hey, just because I live in a small cage attached to the basement ceiling doesn’t mean I’m STUPID! I have to avoid the cats SOMEHOW!!!

Axl: … As I was saying, I have concrete evidence that proves you haven’t been calling Hierarchy matches the APPROVED Hierarchy method! I’ve put together an audio recording of your commentary at UnFOURgiven. Michelle, could you load the tape and press play, please?

[Michelle pulls out a cassette tape, and places it in a stereo, before hitting the ‘play’ button.]

Pigeon: hello gentlemen. it’s your honor to have me, i’m sure.

Styles: Pigeon?

Pigeon: that’s right, mikey styles. the boss is here.

SW: Who, Seth Harker?

Pigeon: no. me! pigeon! you know the deal. since trey vincent wouldn’t allow wes rivers or that other guy out here to do commentary, i’m out here to give heel support to the Hierarchy.

Pigeon: So… what’s the problem?

Axl: It’s just started, fucktard! And besides, referring to yourself as the BOSS?! You’ve ALREADY crossed the line of no return!

SW: Hey, Pigeon, how do you feel about this whole Axl-Michelle thing?

Pigeon: how do i feel about michelle being with Axl? it feels like i just puked my guts out, then somebody sucked up the vomit up into a bag, shoved a tube up my ass, gave me a vomit enema, then hung my legs over my head bugs bunny style until I shot diarrhea vomit straight up in a bloody brown stream that rained down all over my face. that’s how it felt, smegma.

SW: Yeah. That’s how I feel whenever I have to sit through an Axl promo.

[The crowd boos as “Under the Knife” by AC/DC hits. Though I have no idea how this is possible, or has been possible for the last few years, as there seems to be no record of this song existing.]

Styles: And this one’s already under way before Thrilla can even get his introduction. Ken and Mano jumped Harker and are pounding him on the outside.

SW: Yeah. They’re pounding him like the way no doubt Axl is pounding Michelle every night. No disrespect, Pigeon.

Pigeon: she must have an oversized clit. because we all know an oversized clit is one step away from a guy with an undersized chode. so sayeth randall mooby. whatever happened to him?

SW: He got fired.

Pigeon: What, you’re saying she DOESN’T have an oversized clit?

Axl: Well…

Michelle: AXL!!!

Styles: Mano trying to sneak up the other side, but Thrilla jerks him off!

SW: BWAHAHAHA! And I thought Axl was the fag in this match.

Pigeon: scotty, let me borrow a vicodin. you’re obviously feeling no pain tonight.

SW: only if you let me bang whatever rat you take to your room tonight.

Pigeon: no.

SW: Can I at least watch?

Pigeon: *sigh* fine. but keep your pants on this time.

SW: No promises!

Pigeon: Now what’s the problem?

Axl: You disgust me!

Pigeon: Hey, what’s the matter with putting on a little show?

Axl: Not THAT. The fact that you have sex with RATS!

Pigeon: … And you call ME stupid?

SW: Yeah! I hope Roydz is crippled now! I’m pretty sure I could take him in a wheelchair race.

Pigeon: i highly doubt it, scotty. ken couldn’t get the full impact because he’s such a tiny little man and Roydz is a monster. physically, of course, not in the genitalia region. and i swear my wording wasn’t yet another excuse to mention that i have a giant horsecock. even though i do.

Styles: All right, that’s enough of that, Pigeon.

Axl: You weren’t out there to talk about your package! You were OUT there to shill ME. And besides, speaking of me, EVERYONE knows I’m the one with the biggest junk in the Hierarchy!

Michelle: I dunno, I’ve seen Viruz in the shower…

Axl: … You were in the men’s lockeroom shower? … Why?

Michelle: No, not the lockeroom shower. The shower here at the Residence. … I was, uhm… I walked in to use the bathroom, and… He had the curtain open.

Axl: …

Pigeon: Heheh, sure. Looks like your bro’s sharing more than a gene pool with ya, Axl.

Axl: YOU STAY OUT OF THIS!

Pigeon: if I wasn’t injured I’d beat my back pay out of him right now. Vicodin me.

SW: These don’t grow on trees, Pigeon. Though I sure wish they did!

Pigeon: i know a corrupt doctor with prescription slips. i’ll hook you up later.

SW: Sweet!

Pigeon: Now come on, you can’t POSSIBLY have a problem with THAT!

Axl: I just can’t stand a supposedly “loyal” member of this family chatting away with the ENEMY!

Pigeon: You mean Scotty? Wait… you’re STILL pissed off at him for making fun of you? Isn’t that a bit childish? Wasn’t putting him in a wheelchair enough?

Axl: He still hasn’t learned his lesson! He must suffer for his indiscretions! The travesty that is his commentary career shall be paid in full with the shedding of his blood!

Pigeon: Jesus, when you hold a grudge, you don’t mess around…

[In fast-mo, Harker does the whirly-bird, cracking the ladder into everyone’s head (in order: Ken, Roydz, Mano, Thrilla, then finally Axl). After nailing everyone, Harker collapses to his knees in slow-motion, lifts the ladder off himself, and throws it to the mat before collapsing on it, exhausted! Back to regular speed.]

Crowd: HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!

Pigeon: now that was cool…

Pigeon: … Seriously, what was wrong with that?

Axl: How DARE you praise the work of those outside the Hierarchy! Especially when called upon to praise ME! ME, ME, ME! Do you not understand me when I say ME!?!

Pigeon: I understand you need a tic-tac…

Axl: ARGH!

Pigeon: say, scotty. Would you rather fuck anorexic looking angelina jolie or pregnant angelina jolie?

SW: Doesn’t matter to me, as long as I would be fucking Angelina Jolie. Then I could rub that fact in my arch-nemesis’s face, yes, I mean Brad Pitt, for the rest of his pathetic life. Hell, I could give her quadruplets, Brad. Your sperm are fags!

Pigeon: i actually prefer pregnant angelina. but hell, my dick’s so long, i’d probably get arrested for having sex with a fetus. wait, is that a crime? or do they have to be popped out of the womb before it’s illegal?

Styles: All right, Pigeon!

SW: Bwahaha! You are insane, Pigeon. You should really leave the Hierarchy and become the third commentator on iMPLOSION and these On-Demands!

Pigeon: if they pay me, i’ll do whatever management wants, i’m a money whore i admit it. but they only paid me enough to do this one match. so that’s all you get tonight. speaking of whoring and george carlin, he did make one great point. if fucking is legal and selling is legal, why is selling fucking illegal?

SW: I don’t know, Pigeon. I just don’t know.

Axl: And how DARE you even CONTEMPLATE becoming a commentator!

Pigeon: … But… I wasn’t? I just said I’ll do anything for money… And I also promoted the legalization of prostitution. I think.

Axl: REGARDLESS!!!

Pigeon: … Huh?

Styles: Ken just went straight into the turnbuckle as the ladder fell over.

SW: Must. Not. Do. Owen. Joke…

Pigeon: you’re terrible, scotty. i like it.

Styles: Thrilla just charged at Roydz, but Thrilla got backdropped to the floor! Mano now setting up a large ladder. Oh, what is he doing?

SW: I think Mano’s confused. This isn’t his construction job. You’re supposed to climb the ladder, not build an extension off of it.

Styles: That second ladder is now horizontal to the mat, as you can plainly see fans. I don’t know what Mano has in mind, but I’m sure somebody’s going to get hurt by this. Axl’s back up now. Axl and Mano are brawling on top of that horizontal ladder. Oh no! They both lost their balance and both just got crotched!

Pigeon: hehehehe. *Ahem*

SW: Did you just laugh?

Pigeon: of course not! why would i ever laugh at somebody who’s banging my ex-girlfriend when he just got dropped on his testicles?

Styles: Enter: Harker. Oh no. Axl is now laid out on top of Mano.

SW: Two man sandwiches in one match? Axl’s gotta be loving this match!

Pigeon: by that logic, he’s gonna love it more when he gets sandwiched by Harker and Mano in a minute.

Axl: And now, worst of all, you’re LAUGHING AT ME?! [shoves Pigeon hard into the wall, bringing his face to that of Pigeon’s] YOU BASTARD!

Pigeon: I… I… I… th-th-think… you should try some Colgate.

Axl: AAAGGGHHH!!!

Pigeon: are we even going to have any other matches tonight?

Styles: I’d assume so.

Axl: And WHAT would be so wrong with my spectacular prescence being felt throughout the night? Just imagine… three full hours of Total Non-Stop Axl!!!

Pigeon: Yeahhh… that may very well be the most boring idea I’ve ever heard.

Michelle: No… I’d say that award goes to the time I agreed to listen to you recite every poem out of ‘The Big BoB Book of Poetry’. XXXTreme’s prose was especially awefultastic…

Styles: Thrilla’s trying to climb that ladder that’s all bent to hell. Axl’s up and shoves Thrilla off onto the top rope throat first. Thrilla with a desperation move sends Axl to the floor. Now Thrilla and Axl brawling out here near us!

SW: I’m so glad Michelle didn’t stick around to see this.

Pigeon: i’m sure she’s happily occupied with one of the boys in the back on her knees in a bathroom stall to kill the time.

Michelle: Oh, I think this fucker should be tossed out for that alone!

Pigeon: Don’t worry, if something needs tossing, just call Axl. I hear he’s especially good with salad…

Axl: WHY YOU LITTLE – !!!

KF: Ladies and gentlemen, here is the winner of the Beer in the Belly Ladder Match, which guarantees him a shot at the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS at some point during the next 365 days, Axl!

SW: He shouldn’t have even been in this match! He’s already been the OWCTM!

Pigeon: you can thank michelle for that, among other things.

*CRACK*

SW: Yes! Thrilla is my new hero!

Styles: Thrilla just KO’ed Axl with a chairshot! Axl wasn’t ready for that! Thrilla’s got the beer? Thrilla’s stealing the beer!

SW: Yes! Brilliant!

Pigeon: i’d so stop him if my leg and head weren’t in such pain. damn you thrilla!

Styles: What a wild start to UnFOURgiven fans! Axl is your winner, but Thrilla’s leaving with the beer. What does it all mean?

SW: Probably a match at the next BOB-On-Demand?

[Michelle stops the tape, and Axl’s face meets with that of Pigeon… his eyes glowing brighter and hotter than the very center of the Earth itself. Axl breathes heavily, and speaks…]

Axl: Pigeon… I trusted you… and I trusted this muscled-up goon Steve, I trusted the BOTH of you to protect the Beer in the Belly Six-Pack for ME. Pigeon, you used an “injury” as an excuse not to get off your lazy, worthless ass. An injury that we both know was just a ruse to shock the fans when they later saw you come out and interfere in the ‘Enter the Vortex’ match.

Pigeon: I still can’t quite figure out the POINT of that ruse…

Axl: REGARDLESS!!!

Pigeon: …

Axl: You still refused to assist in bringing the six-pack back home… where it belongs. [Axl turns to Steve, still grabbing Pigeon by the collar…] And YOU. You were IN THE DAMN MATCH, you lunk headed oaf!!! You could have easily destroyed that beartrap-mouthed beatnik and grabbed the six-pack! But you wanna know why you didn’t? It’s because earlier in the match, you tried to grab the six-pack for YOURSELF! You both made THE single most grievous error that a member of the Hierarchy can make. [Axl turns back to Pigeon] … you put yourself before the King. While Steve went into business for himself in the ladder match, you Pigeon? You worried more about a supposed “injury” to your own fragile little frame than the ultimate good… the salvation of the gold.

Axl: As you know, there are two open slots at ‘Power is Stolen‘, for two members of the Hierarchy to take on Great and Trable for the tag title #1 contendership. Now… before all of this occured, I would have been kind. I would have been generous. When the two of you were in my good graces, you would have been handed over the opportunity on a silver platter. But now?

[Axl suddenly tosses Pigeon from the wall, through the air, and colliding into Steve, as the two topple to the floor. Axl then reaches off camera and pulls on a lever… which releases a trap door beneath the heap of Pigeon and Roydz. The two of them plummet… and plummet… and continue to plummet, until a loud *thud* is heard…]

Axl: Now? You’re going to have… “prove your worth”, so to speak.

Michelle: Huh… Never noticed that trap door till now… or that lever…

Stereo: Plot Hole #903,934 of One Million found!

Axl: Thought you turned that thing off?

Michelle: *shrugs shoulders*

Axl: [Axl turns to the pit… hmm, this appears familiar…] Boys… you’ve just entered your very first ‘Inescapable Pit of No Escape Match’! Win? And you get to face Great and Trable! Lose? … Well, I don’t think you wanna know…

Steve: GRRR!!! This makes me so mad, I could just… I could just… GRRR!!!

Pigeon: …

Axl: Allow me to introduce you to your opponent…

Garth Maul

Steve Roydz

Steve: … Shit. … GRRR!!!

[Garth Maul quickly uses one end of his double-edged lightsaber to slice Steve’s head off, before sticking the other end through his chest and sending his body soaring… and landing in a heap of dead sWo members…]

Garth Maul: Well, it’s a living.

Axl: Wait a minute… [looking down at the pit] … I see Roydz parts, but no Pigeon parts? [looks to Michelle] What gives?

Michelle: Hmm… it must be a case of JBL-Cena-Parking-Lot-itus.

Axl: … Whoozit-Huzzit-Whatzit?

Michelle: See, whenever someone meets with what appears to be CERTAIN-DOOM~!!!1tm, they… well, they vanish. And then later, they reappear without a scratch. Usually, just in time for a big pay-per-view Parking Lot Brawl match.

Axl: Wow… Imagine that. … I’m hungry.

Michelle: I’ll go pick up a couple of burgers at Lardd Hutt. Whaddya want on yours?

Axl: Mmm… How about mayonaise, sardines, gummi bears, and ragu?

Michelle: … How about ketchup?

Axl: That’ll work too. Hey, I’m gonna go speak with Viruz. I have something I need to ask him.

Michelle: Cool. See you in a bit, hun.

Axl: Bye bye, sweetie.

[Axl and Michelle share a sloppy kiss… Axl slaps Michelle on the ass as she walks off. Michelle turns and winks, as Axl smiles devilishly. Axl walks toward the door of Vi’s room… he knocks.]

Vi: [from inside] Come on in…

[Axl opens the door slightly, and looks in…]

Axl: Hey bro… I’ve got an idea, and I think you’re gonna like it.

[Axl steps inside, and shuts the door behind… as “Twisted Transistor” plays into blackness.]

|the|

—————-

Viruz

C:// _

C:// Enter … FireScape Explorer.

C:// Enter … Hierarchy MailBox…

C:// Compose.

Dear Kurt,

I’d just like to welcome you to the Hierarchy. With the deadweight now cut loose, we have a group consisting of the absolute greatest talent in the business. But not JUST a group, or a stable, or a faction…

But a family.

Axl is like the brave, noble, strong-willed, and determined father.
Michelle… the courageous, loving, nurturing, and altogether wholesome mother.
Garth is like the wise grandfather, who we can always lean on…

And I am like… Well, like the family pet. Or maybe a cousin or something. Even though I’m Axl’s brother. But that’s neither here nor there…

I just can’t tell you how much I appreciate your entrance into this family. You’re without a shadow of a doubt BoB’s greatest icon, and to have your support… well, no mere words can describe the emotions running through Axl and I when we knew YOU were on OUR side. With you backing us, noone will manage to stand in our way.

But, seeing as words cannot do our gratitude justice, we’ve decided to invite you over for dinner at the Residence of Evil, here in Sinister City. You see, Axl and I have come to an agreement concerning who should challenge Great and Trable at PiS… and we want you to be here to discuss matters concerning the On-Demand.

We look forward to your prescence here…

– Vi

p.s. – Have you ever considered changing your look? Because I’ve drawn something of a possibility for you… When you arrive, I’d like your opinion… You may be interested…

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Three Points.

July 18th, 2008
Comments Off on Three Points.

Axl

[We open to Sinister Stadium, the local arena in Sinister City, Utah. The Sinister City SugarMamas are delievering a rapid-fire ass-kicking to the Dungsville DoodieDaddies in what has turned out to be the basketball equivolant to a sports entertainment squash match. Number 69, Michael Jordasche is leading the pack of SugarMamas in a raping [and stabbing] of the poor, hopeless DoodieDaddies, with a phenomenal score of 7,545 to the Dungsville team’s 13.]

[The fans are packed into the building, cheering their heads off and spilling their drinks for the hometown team. Sinister City calls for a time out, and Sinister City coach Pat McFluffelumpagous calls his team into a circle…]

Pat: Men, we have these chumps BEAT. So, I have an idea. We’re gonna play around with their sorry asses!

Michael Jordasche: Ewww! I ain’t playin’ ’round wit’ no homedog’s ASS!

Pat: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!

Jordasche: Sorry coach.

Pat: We’ve got two celebrity audience members in the crowd tonight, and we’re gonna have them substitute for LowBlowski and EyeGougison.

LowBlowski: But coach!

Pat: No buts, LowBlowski! Mama always said, when you have your opponent cut open and bleedin’ from the wound? Ya pour some gat dam salt in that sumbitch! And these two knuckleheads are gonna help us make those shitstains choke on their own vomit! These two guys are so bad, that when that other team of piss ants loses to ’em, why, they’ll probably go back to their bumfuck hometown ah Dungsville and slit their own throats!

EyeGougison: Hell yeah! Suicide RULES!!!

Pat: Settle down, settle down. [yelling off screen] Ok boys, you got yer jerseys on, come on over here and win this one for the team! [turns back to his team] Don’t worry fellas, we’re so far ahead, that even if they get their asses handed to ’em and those loser Dungsvillians score a point or two, we’ll STILL wipe the floor with ’em.

Jordasche: You’re… SURE about this, coach?

Pat: Jordasche, you may be a one man basketball team, but you question my brilliant strateger-izing just ONE more time, and you know that shnazzy little scholarship to Royal Pain University I agreed to sign off on?

Jordasche: You wouldn’t!

Pat: You’re damn straight I would! I’ll renig on signing it, and have you headed to Scumbucket Falls Community College so fast you’ll be spinnin’ around in your size twenty-nine shoes! [turns to look back off screen] HURRY UP!

Pigeon

[After a few seconds, two men step onto the scene wearing the customary hot pink and lime green of the SugarMamas. Those two men? Steve Roydz, and Pigeon. And I thought the coach referred to these guys as celebs…]

Pat: Gentlemen, allow me to introduce you to the team. Team, you probably know these guys from G5TV’s wrestlin’ program, Brawlers on a Budget presents Total Non-Action Wrestlin’ : iMPLOSION!

Steve Roydz

Jordasche: …

EyeGougison: Uh…

LowBlowski: What’s G5TV? Is that like the Playboy channel?

Pat: ARGH. You sweathogs don’t know crap! This here’s Steve Roydz, one of the best old school high school football players in the game! Back when good honest American boys were able to use performance enhancin’ drugs without the government breathin’ down their necks! Back when I was blazin’ the basketball court, the football field, and every other form of sports-related playing area, tryin’ tah make a future for young punks like you, Eyegougison, and you, Lowblowski! Me and Roydz here, why, we’re the kinda men punks like you gaggle ah disrespectful kids oughta be lookin’ up to and admirin’!

Jordasche: So, uh… who’s that Pigeon guy?

[Pigeon walks around, flapping his arms like a… well, like a pigeon.]

Pat: Uhm… I think he may be one ah dem special needs fellas… HEY! Stop peckin’ at me!

Pigeon: Whoops, sorry. Thought you were birdseed.

Pat: …

Pigeon: Quoth the Pigeon – EVERQUEST!

Pat: … Alright men, go out there and make me look good! I mean, proud!

[And so, the SugarMamas headed back on court, along with “celebrity” substitutes Steve and Pigeon. But, as they walked toward the center of the court, they noticed someone leading the DoodieDaddies’ charge…]

Announcer: Now substituting for Dungsville player #555, he is a former teammate of one of the most famous and well-payed players in the history of team basketball. While his former teammate has been on the outs with the sport, and has since began a career in professional amateur fake-ass e-sports entertainment wrestling, this young man is sticking to the sport that made him semi-quasi-famous. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together and give a warm round of applause for the one and only… Shaq… BLAQ!!!

Steve Roydz: GRRR! Dammit! This makes me so mad, I wanna… I wanna… GRRR! That damn Blaq guy used to be second best, next tah Kobe Gyant! Now he’s FIRST in the rankings! He’s gonna… He’s gonna… GRRRRR!!!!~!

Pigeon: Quoth the Pigeon – We’re toast.

Michael Jordasche: Butt-ered TOAST.

EyeGougison: I do say dear LowBlowski, they’re sending this oaf Jordasche in our ‘stead to the University of Royal Pain? I declare!

LowBlowski: And to have such a buffoonish nitwit take OUR place on the team WE helped establish! Why, the very idea!

EyeGougison: It’s propostrous! In fact… I suggest we lend a bit of a hand to that ol’ chap Blaq, agreed comrade?

LowBlowski: AGREED! Old chum, I’ve got JUST the idea!

EyeGougison: Indeed!

– 20 minutes later –

[The game has 30 seconds left on the clock… The addition of Shaq has led the DoodieDaddies to a score of 7,997 to the SugarMamas’ 7,999. Thanks to Pigeon and Roydz’ clumsiness, all but four of the players in the game have suffered career ending injuries [Hey, when I say ‘clumsy’, I’m not kidding…]. On one side of the court, Jordasche stands with “celebrity” teammates Pigeon and Roydz, who’ve not only nearly killed everyone on the court, but whose combined incompetence has inadvertently aided in the efforts of the only man left standing on the Dungsville team, the one, the only Shaq Blaq. Shaq stands, ball in hand, facing the hoop, as Mike and his stand-in partners guard the net. Suddenly – ]

Voice from audience: GET’cha bird seed hee-yah! Fresh, hot bird seed!

Pigeon: BIRD SEED?! WHERE?!

Voice: Here, ya mook! Up in the audience! AWAY from the court!

Pigeon: That bird seed’s mine!

[Pigeon takes off in a mad dash to grab the seed… leaving Jordasche to only be guarded by Steve.]

Steve: Don’t you worry, Mikey. I’m still here to keep that Blaq bastard from scoring the 3 pointer!

Jordasche: Uh… wow, yeah, that really makes me feel confident. Dammit, if I lose this game for the team, I may as well kiss that scholarship goodbye… I’ve got to think of SOMETHING!

Voice from audience #2: GET’cha steroids! Five for a nickel! With a price like that, you KNOW they’re illegal!

Steve: !!!

Jordasche: Ugggh…

Steve: Can I? Huh, huh? Can I? Can I Mike, oh PLEASE say yes!

Jordasche: Oh son-of-a, GO AHEAD! Seriously, it’s not like you were gonna be of much help to me anyway…

Steve: Oh THANK YOU!

[Steve runs off into the crowd, looking for the steroid vendor, but as our camera carries toward the location of the voice… we find both Pigeon and Steve unconcious, at the hands of LowBlowski and EyeGougison, and a couple of well aimed strikes from baseball bats.]

LowBlowski: Hmm… though basketball isn’t quite our forte’, mayhaps we’d be better suited for baseball?

EyeGougeison: No, no, dear boy, I’m not one for tobacco.

LowBlowski: And…?

EyeGougison: AND, chewing tobacco and the scratching of one’s crotch is most certainly a requirement in baseball.

LowBlowski: … Shit.

EyeGougison: WHY I NEVER! Such language!

LowBlowski: Pardon me, friend of mine!

EyeGougison: Well… watch your fuckin’ mouth next time… goddamit.

[And so, with five seconds to spare, Shaq layed it up… and sunk it for the very first time in his illustrious career. Because in Sinister City, ANYTHING is possible… even a career free-throw choke artist landing a three-pointer. Jordasche pounds his fists to the ground, weeping considerably, as the fans pour trash down upon their former hero. Blaq walks toward the distraught hometown boy, and shakes his head in pity.]

Shaq: What a damn shame… Mike, sorry about the whole, 7,999 to 8,000, beat ya by one point, all thanks to those two loser “celebrity” stand ins killing all your team mates and deserting you in the last couple ah seconds… thing.

Mike: WHYYY!!!

Shaq: Well, if it’s any consolation, I just got through talkin’ to your coach. He said he’s giving me a scholarship to Royal Pain University! He said he WAS going to give it some other loser, but the guy choked in a basketball game, and fucked up his entire future. Huh. Wonder who he coulda been talkin’ about. Anyway, I’m goin’ tah college! And I’m only 14 years old! Could life GET any sweeter?! Whoo-hoo!!!

Mike: OH GOD, NO!!! *cries*

[The camera switches to the Residence of Evil, where Axl is sitting on the couch, viewing the game on ESPN 29 and a half.]

Axl: DAMMIT!!! I bet two whole dollars on that game!

Michelle: Ha ha, pay up!

[Axl hands Michelle two dollars.]

Michelle: Sucker.

Axl: Damn! Those… those… THAT’S THE LAST STRAW!!! I’ve had enough of their contant failures! It’s time to cut the apron strings… It’s time to make the Hierarchy a stable of power… importance… and EVIL!!! It’s time to-

Michelle: Pass the corn chips?

Axl: – pass the corn chips.

[Axl and Michelle continue snacking away, as they turn the channel to Law and Order…]

|doink-doink|

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