Posts Tagged ‘Michelle’

Viruz meets Viruz

October 24th, 2008
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[The camera is stationed outside the Castle of Evil. The VW Beetle (of Evil) pulls into the driveway… or courtyard… or… whatever.]

[The car door swings open.]


[The tape is ejected… flipped over… and reinserted. ‘Play’ is pressed.]



Michelle: Alright already, we GET IT! Can you just turn the damn thing off so we can go inside already?

??? : But Michelle! This motivational tape isn’t finished yet! Without it, I’ll never stand a chance against The Great!

Michelle: … You’re not fighting The Great! You’re fighting American Panda! And as long as you act like a complete and total idiot, I really don’t think Great’s going to want to be anywhere NEAR you, inside a ring or out!

??? : But after what he said about his little midget kid having more “greatness” in the toilet, than I do in my entire body, why… I oughta kill him!

Michelle: The Great?

??? : No! His midget kid! The little rat bastard… I oughta duct tape him to a bamboo tree and have that fuckin’ Panda claw his kid-sized larynx out of his goddam gullet!!! And if the Great tries to do anything about it, why… I’ll challenge him to a match! Yeah, THAT’LL teach him!

Michelle: You’re just trying to figure out a way to hussle yourself into a match with the Great, aren’t you.

??? : … Stay out of this!

Michelle: Hey, you ARE talking to me, right?


Michelle: … Me?

??? : … Oh. Well, since you asked. No, I’m not trying to hussle myself into a match with the Great. … And on an entirely unrelated note, do you know if the Great has a match set up for October Surprise?

Michelle: Yeah… he’s in a Snore Games match.

??? : Dammit… uh… how about the iMPLOSION! after that?

Michelle: There aren’t any iMPLOSIONs after that, atleast not until MegaBrawl… I’m starting to get the impression you may have not been completely honest when you said you don’t want a match with the Great…

??? : Well, how about at MegaBrawl? Is he booked?

Michelle: AXL!!! … I mean, er, uhm, ah… “???” !!! BOB doesn’t plan one WEEK in advance, let alone an entire MONTH! What do you think my daddy is, a competent Chairman?

??? : Alright, alright…

[The tape is played once again…]

Car Stereo: – AWN, HA-RISE!!! … Are we still recording this shit? … Yes? Crap, uh… HEY! You listening! Repeat after me.

Car Stereo: I Ham.

??? : I ham…

Car Stereo: Sofa King.

??? : … sofa king?

Car Stereo: We Todd Edd.

??? : We todd edd.

Car Stereo: Now say, very fast.

??? : I ham sofa king we todd edd.

Car Stereo: Faster!

??? : I AM SO FUCKING WEE-TAHDED!!! … Wait a dang blasted minute!

Car Stereo: Heheh. You say funny thing. : ^ )

[The tape is ripped from the stereo and tossed outside.]

??? : Remind me to never buy a motivational cassette from those damn Mooninites on 34th Street…

Michelle: Check.

??? : Hey, I’ve got an idea. Seeing as how the Great’s probably still going to be acting all “holier than thou” by MegaBrawl… which is something that only I have the qualifications for… I’m going to make a challenge when I head inside. A challenge that is going to change the face of pro wrestling as we know it!

Michelle: What, are you going to challenge Mick Foley for his share of TNA? Because I think his position there might be a step below your position as leader of the Hierarchy. And that’s saying alot…

??? : Well you’re in the Hierarchy too! As my girlfriend, you’re the QUEEN of the Hierarchy! So what does that say?!

Michelle: That I need to become better at choosing boyfriends? First Trey… then Pigeon… now you… Jesus W. Christ, it’s like I’m going further and further and further down the totem pole of bad taste!

??? : Oh you hush your mouth! Friggin’… China Girl… with your egg rolls and saki… and slumber parties! And – HEY! Wait a minute! You’re not supposed to mention things like me being the leader of the Hierarchy and being your boyfriend and being the mayor of Sinister City!

Michelle: I never mentioned you being the mayor of Sinister City…

??? : You might ruin the angle! The fans still think I’m… you know who!

Michelle: …

??? : What?

Michelle: Nothin’… Hey, you wanna go make that challenge now? Or do you want to bore me to sleep with another of your rants first?

???: >: ^ (

> > > moments later < < < [The front door of the castle opens, and in comes... Viruz?] "Viruz": Ahh, it's good to be home. ... Wait, what are those quotation marks doing around my name?! [Well, it's just...] Viruz: ... Bro? "Viruz": ... Uh... Fuck. Viruz: Why are you dressed up like me? "Viruz": Uhm... er... How do you know I'M dressed up like YOU? Maybe... Maybe YOU'RE dressed up like ME, eh! You ever thought about THAT, smart guy?! Viruz: Axl, how dumb do you think I am? "Viruz": ... Is that a trick question? Viruz: Seriously, why are you dressed like me? Did they have a sale on Hayabusa costumes at the Halloween department in Wal-Mart? ... Cuz, like, I might have tah check that out... "Viruz": Er... yeah! ... ["Viruz" grabs a trash can off the floor, dumps a bunch of crap out of it, and lifts it out in front of him...] "Viruz": Trick or Treat! Viruz: ... "Viruz": Heh... uhm... No dice, huh? Viruz: Nope. Now, put that trash BACK in the trash can, and let me know just what the heck is going on. [As "Viruz" shovels the trash back into the can, he begins to speak to... uh... Viruz. ... Confused yet? I know I am...] "Viruz": Well, ya see... uh... well, the thing is... ["Viruz" looks up at Viruz, and twiddles his thumbs a bit... Suddenly, a lightbulb appears to go off inside his brain. Oh, wait, no, Michelle just came in and turned on the lamp.] Michelle: Heyyy, guys. ... Huh, I can't seem to tell the two of you apart. Well, except that one of you seems to be in shape... while the other one of you is Axl. ... Oh wait, yeah, I can tell the two of you apart. "Viruz": I am NOT Axl! Michelle: Well... maybe if both of you whipped your cocks out, it'd make things a bit easier. Because, let's face it. Axl has a baby carrot dick!!! "Viruz": I DO NOT! Michelle: HA! "Viruz": I mean... he... HE doesn't... Viruz: Heheheh. Ahh, it seems as though my evil twin has prior knowledge as it pertains to the size of Axl's schlong! "Viruz": Shut up! I'm not gay! ... And neither is Axl! ... AAARGH! Viruz: Well, I'd like to stay and chit chat, but I have to get going. I promised Pigeon I'd meet him at McGreasyton's. He LOVES their McBirdSeed. Seeya later, Axl. "Viruz": I'M NOT AX- *door slams* "Viruz": AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! Michelle: Heehee. : ^ ) "Viruz": You really think this is funny, don't you? Michelle: Oh come on now, lighten up! Jeez Axl, you've gotta be the most uptight person I know. And you call yourself "grunge"? "Viruz": For the LAST time, don't refer to me as Axl in front of the camera! I'm VIRUZ, ok?! If anyone besides you and I find out my true identity, why... there's no telling what SMP would do! Michelle: You do understand that the camera is RIGHT there, recording all of this... right? "Viruz": Well... yeah. But I'm not refering to myself as Axl! ... So... Michelle: Sure... I think this entire idea has about as much credibility as the UnFed does as a wrestling company. But anyway, I'm out. I'm going to go catch Vi and Pigeon at McGreasyton's. I just LOVE their McHogFeet! "Viruz": EWW, What?! That's... you EAT that? Michelle: Well, I sure as hell don't shove it in my vagina! ... Although... "Viruz": GROSS! Michelle... just... leave. You and that IMPOSTER have done enough damage to my brilliant and masterful plan anyway! Now run along so I may issue the greatest challenge EVER! Michelle: ... "Viruz": Dammit... she was just there a second ago... No matter. *turns to the camera* World... Allow me to introduce myself! I AM... Viruz. As many of you may already know, I am set to face American Panda at October Surprise in the first ever Bamboo on a Bamboo Pole match. Now, it WAS going to be a Fish on a Bamboo Pole match, but I was told by SMP that pandas don't eat fish. Well, how do you know that was my intention, hmm, SIL?! Did it ever occur to you that I might not be aiming for a stipulation featuring the food that pandas EAT, but a stipulation featuring the food that stupid zoo keepers FORCE pandas to eat since they don't know any better? And let's face it, pandas are REEEALLY dumb animals that would more than likely eat their own shit if it were served with tartar sauce! Pandas are SOOO dumb that if you ask them what 2 plus 2 equals, they'd probably say something really DUMB like... 4! Pandas are sooo dumb that... uh... that they're really, REALLY dumb! And at October Surprise, I have no doubt in my mind that I'll defeat that dumb ol', stupid ol' Panda Bear. "Viruz": Because he's dumb. And stupid. "Viruz": Now, if I were my brother Axl, I might be afraid of American Panda. Not because American Panda in particular is frightening. Oh no, no, no. In fact, American Panda is perhaps THE least frightening member of the entire BoB roster, if not the entire world of wrestling PERIOD! Hell, even the GobbledyGooker is more terrifying than that overgrown sack of fur! But pandas in general... there's just something about them that gives my bro the heeby jeebies. When he was young, he was scared stiff by one of the vile beasts... and that's why he's dressing up as a panda for this year's Halloween party, here at the castle. Not only will he be overcoming his fear, but he'll also be able to get out of this crappy Hayabusa costume. ... That he ALSO wears. ... When I'm not wearing it. ... Because I'm Viruz. And certainly not Axl ... ["Viruz" shifts uncomfortably for a second, wondering if the viewers at home are stupid enough to have not caught on by now...] "Viruz": I am not wondering that! Of COURSE they're stupid enough to have not caught on by now! If they weren't stupid, do you think they'd still be wasting their time reading this rant?! ... I MEAN... [Sorry, "Vi". You want me to end this before you dig yourself into a hole?] "Viruz": No... I can still salvage things. People! I am NOT Axl! No matter what you want to believe, just remember... I AM Viruz... and I WILL be at October Surprise, ready to beat the ever loving tar out of American Panda. "Viruz": And then? At MegaBrawl 2? I have the challenge to end all challenges. Because I am challenging... BRAD PITT!!! Yes, Brad Pitt, the very same man who competed in the Nowhere City Brawl last year at "November in Nowhere"! The very same MATCH in which the Great made his debut during, costing ME... er, my brother... the Only World Title That Matters! Brad Pitt... from Oklahoma! The very same place that drove out me and my brother Axl! Brad, I'm going to make you PAY for... uh... being born in Oklahoma! After I'm finished with you, you'll know better than to... admit to being born there! And something very special... very important, shall be on the line! If you win... which you WON'T... I'll remove my mask, and reveal to the entire world my true identity! And if I win... which I WON'T... ... WILL! Which I will... then I will face the Great at the very first BoB event of 2009! [Suddenly, "Vi"'s cell phone rings. He answers it.] "Viruz": Y'ello? ... Oh, Michelle, I ... oh... Sorry honey, I'll let them know right away... Bye. ["Viruz" shuts the phone and pushes it back into his pants pocket...] "Viruz": Uhm... ok, Michelle just informed me that I'm not in charge of booking, she is. So I can't just go around inserting myself into matches with people who wouldn't want to be associated with me, even if it is through handing me my ass in the middle of the ring. Well... then it's a good thing I'm Viruz, eh? Cuz, heheh, EVERY one wants to be associated with my awesomely cool brother Axl! Hell, the Great's probably DYING to step into the ring with HIM! Ya know? Right? Am I right? ... *cough* So... anyway. "Viruz": ... "Viruz": PITT!!! You! Me! MegaBrawl 2... in the first EVER Cinco Cell Slaughter! Five cages, stacked one on top of the other! If you win, the mask comes off! If I win? Uh... I get to marry Angelina Jolie! ["Vi"'s cell rings again... he answers.] "Viruz": Hello - ... [Screaming is heard on the other end... "Viruz" tries to keep the phone away from his ear, as he winces...] "Viruz": Y... Yes dear... Sorry about that... No! Of course I still love you! I... Yes dear... I'll tell him. ... Bye dear... ["Viruz" shuts the phone and places it back into his pocket...] "Viruz": Uhm... Brad, I think I'll have to renig on that challenge... atleast until I can think of some sort of prize I can win... Something that won't get my ear chewed off... "Viruz": But now, it is not time for Mega Brawl. Now it is time for October Surprise. NOW it is time for American Panda... And Panda, remember. I AM... Viruz. I AM... the hax0r extraordinaire. I AM... the l33t-ness of Execution. I AM... "Viruz": ... the infeXion... “… and the infeXion is spreading …”


“Viruz”: WAIT A DAMN MINUTE!!! Michelle said she was going to McGreasyton’s to meet with PIGEON?! That sunnuvabitch is supposed to be locked up in the dungeon! Who set that freak free?!

[Michelle walks in.]

“Viruz”: MICHELLE!!! Who let Pigeon free?! How did he get to McGreasyton’s?! TELL ME!

Michelle: Whadya mean?

“Viruz”: You know EXACTLY what I mean! You told me you left to meet Pigeon at McGreasyton’s, didn’t you?

Michelle: … Uh… Nope, don’t remember saying that. … Definitely not. You must have been day dreaming.

“Viruz”: But…

[Viruz walks in.]

Viruz: Hey yo, bro! Me and Michelle –

Michelle: AHEM.

Viruz: Whoops, excuse me. Michelle and I, just returned from McGreasyton’s.

“Viruz”: Viruz! … IMPOSTER Viruz, you remember telling me that you two went to eat lunch with Pigeon… don’t you?

Viruz: Uh…

[Michelle jabs Viruz in the side with her shoulder.]

Viruz: Ouch! I-

[Michelle stares at Vi.]

Viruz: Er… that is to say… No, no I don’t. I don’t remember that at all.

“Viruz”: … Huh. Well… alright. But I’m going to check the dungeon, just to make sure…

Viruz: NO! I mean –

Michelle: What Vi – … Well, what the “imposter” Viruz means, is that… You don’t trust us?

“Viruz”: Well… not really…

Michelle: >: ^ ( Do you want me to leave you? Is THAT it?! I thought this relationship was built on trust!

“Viruz”: What gave you that impression?

Michelle: How could you, Axl?!

“Viruz”: Well, I- HEY! I am NOT Axl! How many times do I have to tell you that! But that’s beside the point. The point is –

Michelle: The point is you don’t trust us!

“Viruz”: But… I…

Viruz: Axl… Viruz… Whatever you want to be called, you SHOULD trust me! I AM your brother after all!

“Viruz”: So… you’re Axl?

Viruz: … Sure.

“Viruz”: Haha, you’re gay!

Viruz: …

Michelle: So… you trust us now?

“Viruz”: Well… I guess. But when October Surprise rolls around, I want Pigeon out there by ringside, in his shackles, so I can keep an eye on him at all times. Well… all times that I’m not whuppin’ Panda American’s fruit booty!


“Viruz”: Yeah, you’re Axl. You don’t SAY fruit booty, you ARE one! : ^ P

“Axl”: …

“Viruz”: Now, Michelle, pop this motivational CD into the stereo. It’s the new and improved version of that old casette I got from the Mooninites. Hopefully it’s alot better…

[Michelle inserts the CD into the stereo and presses play.]

Stereo: Repeat after me. I Ham.

“Viruz”: I ham…

Stereo: Sofa King.

“Viruz”: Sofa king…

Stereo: Interesting.

“Viruz”: … interesting?

Stereo: Now say, very fast.

“Viruz”: I ham sofa king interesting.

Stereo: Faster!

“Viruz”: I AM SO FUCKING INTERESTING! … Hey, yeah, I am! I AM… so fucking interesting!

Stereo: Now listen, iMPLOSION 13 ;

Viruz: Umkay. I want to fight American Panda in a “Fish on a Bamboo Pole” match. A fish would be suspended on a bamboo pole, and the first competitor to retrieve it would win. Just thought it’d be a stupid gimmick to try and make things interesting.

SMP: Now, does the word “interesting” mean completely retarded in that brain of yours?

“Viruz”: …

Viruz: Ha! Get it! You said “I am so fucking interesting”, and to you, “interesting” obviously means “retarded”! The new and improved version must be in Axl-ese!

“Viruz”: …

Viruz: Ahh, sorry bro. Maybe you should stop trusting those Mooninites. Anyway, catch ya later. I promised I’d meet Pigeon at the bowling alley. Later.

“Viruz”: …

[Viruz heads for the door… opens it… and just as he’s about to depart, “Viruz” tears the stereo off the table, and heaves it at Viruz’s back… but the stereo ends up nailing the door, just as it’s slammed shut. The stereo busts apart, sending bits of broken plastic scattered across the floor. “Viruz” fumes with rage, and storms off, headed for his room. Michelle shakes her head, and walks toward the couch. She plops down… kicks her feet up on the table… and turns on the television.]

Television: This is Sinister City TV, the ONLY channel in Sinister City! Welcome to our 24 hour “Knitting with Bernie” marathon! Grab your needle and thread, and be prepared for the ride of your boring, mundane life! It’s Quilt-Tastic!


|ha-rise, chick-awn|

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Surprises Abound.

October 10th, 2008
Comments Off on Surprises Abound.


[Camera opens to the outside of the castle…]

[All is calm… all is peaceful.]


Michelle: *turns up stereo*

Prodigy: Smack my bitch up!

Axl: Michelle, can you lean your face closer toward my hand for a second… please?

Michelle: Errr… maybe I oughta… turn this back down…

Prodigy: Smack my bitch up!

Michelle: … or off.

> > > moments later < < < [Stuff breaks within the once calm and peaceful castle... vases... lamps... mirrors... but thankfully not the latest television set. Michelle can't afford to have Axl break too many more of those...] Axl: DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!~!!!1! MICHELLE, you're in charge of that fucking place! You're the HEAD FUCKING BOOKER!!! WHY DIDN'T YOU DO SOMETHING?! Why didn't you... Why weren't you out there, enforcing crooked stipulations and things?! DAMMIT, WHY WEREN'T YOU OUT THERE?! Michelle: Uh... I think I mighta been taking a piss. Axl: Did you put the seat back down? Michelle: Yeah. You know, I just noticed. Whenever I pee, I stand up... but when you pee, you sit down. Axl: ... Yeah? Michelle: ... Just an observation. Axl: ... Michelle: ... ANNNYWAY, I'm sorry Axl. I really am. But honestly... I have more important shit to deal with than you. Axl: ... Viruz

Viruz: BURN!!!~!!!1

Axl: Where the hell did you come from?

Viruz: Oh, I just came from the bedroom. Michelle made it in here before me. Hey, by the way, bro, you might wanna change the sheets…

Axl: Why?

Viruz: … Uh…

Michelle: … *cough*viruzhasabiggerdickthanyou*cough*


Viruz: HEYYY! I’m off! Catch’ah later guys.

Axl: But – !

*door slams*

Axl: … FUCK!

Michelle: Hey, man, enough with the cursing.

Axl: I can goddam curse if I damn well motherfuckin’ want, you stupid bitch-ass cunt slut WHORE!!!

Michelle: HEY! … Watch your mouth.

Axl: … I’M PISSED NOW!!!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

[The camera opens up to a bit later…]

[The entire castle is trashed…]

[And a bamboo stick lies in the center of it all.]

[Fade out…]

[… before fading in, once more, this time to a press conference.]

Axl: SINISTER CITY! I may no longer be with Brawlers on a Budget, but I’m DAMN sure still the mayor of this rotten, stinkin’ place! And I’m going to use my power to make a difference!

Axl: As you all know, the Sinister City zoo is infested with pandas.

Reporter: Uhm… there’s only, like, five or six of them there?

Axl: Yes. And to me? THAT’S AN INFESTATION! It’s enough to drive me nuts!

Reporter: Heh… I think the boat left the dock on that one a long, LOOONG time ago…

Axl: I heard a comment from BoB’s Mikey Styles on their most recent program. He pondered what exactly it is that I have against BoB’s new talent… American Panda. Well, the question isn’t, what do I have against American Panda… the question is, what do I have against pandas in GENERAL.

Axl: Pandas have scarred me… they’ve scarred me for life.

[There is a long pause… before all at once, everyone busts into laughter.]

Axl: WHAT?! What’s so friggin’ funny?! All of you WILL silence yourselves, or be locked in the dungeon…

[The laughter continues.]

Axl: … before being HUNG!!!

[The laughter stops.]

Reporter: Ha, I’m sure you wish some of us were hung! So you can suck on a long, hard, DI-

Axl: AS I WAS SAYING… The pandas in the zoo… WILL be hung.

Reporter: That’s horrible! You can’t do that!

Axl: CAN’T I?! Can’t I, you filthy maggot?! I AM YOUR KING! And whether BoB wishes to admit it or not, I WAS the only man on the roster able to SAVE THEM. Now… they’re without me.

Axl: And they’re without hope.

Axl: But as for American Panda and his kind… let me tell you a little tale. A tale of a young Axl… and a panda.

Axl: A vicous beast indeed.

[The camera goes all wavy-like, and before long shows a young boy, dressed in grunge clothes, and short, dirty blonde hair. Across his black shirt is the words “I AM… a spoiled brat.” Even though Axl wasn’t anywhere close to his grunge phase when he was a boy, he’s still displaying the attire in this video. The “DATE: 10 / 10 / 08” in the corner underneath the recording symbol kinda gives things away… Axl really spares no expense.]

[“Young Axl” skips toward a cage in the Nowhere, Oklahoma Zoo… where there stands a five foot tall panda… or more likely, a paid stooge in a cheap panda suit.]

Young Axl: Hey panda! Whatchoo doin’ so glum-lookin’?! You wanna be outta that darn cage, don’tcha?!

Panda: No shit, kid, ya think? No, seriously, why don’t you try bein’ stuck in a fuckin’ cage 24/7. Bitch ass kid…


[Another kid walks into the scene, this one dressed in a lime green children’s “Hayabusa” costume.]

Young Viruz: Hey bro. … Why are you crying like a bitch?


Young Viruz: Well, I just called you one too. Cuz… well, ya are. A bitch that is. … Did I mention you’re a bitch?


[Fade back to the press conference.]

Axl: So that’s the whole story.

Reporter: *snoring*

Axl: HEY!!! Sleep on your own time, you’re supposed to be LISTENING TO ME!!!

Reporter: *wakes with a start* Huh?! Oh… uh… oh, uhm…

Axl: Dammit, read the stupid script if you have to!

Reporter: Oh, right… *reads script* Er, oh yeah. So… you expect us to believe that a panda can talk?

Axl: Of course! You’ve seen American Panda talk!

Reporter: No… Not really. I don’t watch BoB. Or wrestling. Or tv… Hell, I don’t even exist outside this one rant…


Reporter: Sorry… er… Ok. Ahem… No, I haven’t seen him talk, because he has a translator, named… uh… … some kinda fucked up Jap name or somethin’.

Axl: Ugh… It’s Uginara Yoshimitsu. … Or is Ukinabi Yojimbo… Or maybe it’s Mitsubishi Toyota… Whatever his name may be, he is but a mere PUPPET! The vile panda uses the art of ventrilliquism to talk FOR the Japanese imposter! So hath the King spoken! So it be true! The panda is a cunning, and dangerous MONSTER! And that is why every damn one of these creatures MUST be put to death…

Axl: … for the good of mankind.

Reporter: Cactus Jack?

Axl: … Mankind.

Reporter: Dude Love?

Axl: MANKIND!!!~!!!1!

Reporter: No more questions.


. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

[We return to the castle, where Axl has walked back inside the living room… and just as soon as he sits on the sofa, his father, Judas Van Halen, steps inside the room.]

Axl: … Dad?

Judas: Yup. Hey son.

Axl: … What are you doing here?

Judas: Well, I was watching iMPLOSION 12, and I saw Garth Vader come on there…

Axl: … Wait, what? YOU were Garth! That CAN’T be!

Judas: Well… there’s something I should tell you son…

Axl: Yes?

Judas: I wasn’t Garth Vader.

Axl: No! That can’t be! … Wait a minute… so all of that… wait…

Judas: …

Axl: I’m lost.

Judas: Well, ya see… it wasn’t SUPPOSED to be me. I was only the last minute replacement.

Axl: So… who was it SUPPOSED to be? … Wait… I REMEMBER that segment on iMP12! It was Steve Leary!!! Garth Vader was Steve Leary!

Judas: Well, not quite… to be honest, I dunno what the fuck was up with that. But the TRUE Garth Vader… was…

Axl: … Yeah?

Judas: The Black Scorpion.

Axl: … You’re shittin’ me.

Judas: No. But, the catch is, when he unmasked, he would ACTUALLY be…

Axl: … WHO?! Spit it out, man!

Judas: You remember the UnderTaker’s Ministry?

Axl: Yeah… in the WWF?

Judas: Yup.

Axl: So?

Judas: Well, Garth Vader was actually the Black Scorpion… who in turn was actually the Higher Power!

Axl: … No way.

Judas: Yes way!

Axl: NO WAY!

Judas: Yes way.

Axl: NO. WA-

Judas: I SAID YES WAY, NOW LEAVE IT AT THAT! Fuck, dude… seriously.

Axl: So Garth Vader was the Higher Power all this time… wait… so… who was the Higher Power? … Vince McMahon?

Judas: Nope. Gary Coleman. On stilts.

Axl: … Now come on! There’s no way… … is there?

Judas: He sure was!

Axl: Wow! Man, dad… That’s some real knowledge you’re layin’ down on me. I wouldn’t have ever guessed it… Gary Coleman was Garth VADER! Wait till I tell Michelle!

Judas: … Heheh…

Axl: … Dad?

Judas: Heehee… *snort* BWAHAHAHAHA!!! I can’t BELIEVE you fell for that!

Sue (from outside) : Did he fall for it?!

Judas: He sure as shit did! Hell, it may have been a long drive, but dammit if it wasn’t worth it! Jesus Christ son, you sure are easy! Hope ya don’t fuck up the mayorship… TOO bad. Later.

Axl: … But… Dad?

*door slams*

Axl: …

[Michelle walks into the picture.]

Michelle: Hey honey!


[Axl storms out of the castle… Michelle simply shrugs her shoulders, and plops down on the sofa. She shoves a hand into her pants, kicks a foot up onto the coffee table, and chugs back on a beer.]


[Suddenly, the back door opens, and Pigeon walks in.]

Pigeon: Hey, Michelle… where’s the bathroom?

Michelle: Up the stairs, down the hall, around the corner… second door on your left. You shouldn’t miss it.

Pigeon: Cool.

[Pigeon heads for the bathroom… while Michelle continues chugging on her beer. When she finishes it, she tosses it to the floor, and lets out a huge belch…]

Michelle: Ahh, good stuff. … Wait a minute… Isn’t he supposed tah be locked up in the dungeon or something?

Michelle: …

Michelle: Aw, fuck it.


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Fiddy Dollah

October 2nd, 2008
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Axl: …

Michelle: What is it?

Axl: I need fifty dollars.

Michelle: Well, sitting on your ass, watching “Sanford and Son” reruns isn’t going to help…

Axl: … Fuc-

> > > an hour later < < < Viruz

[We open to Viruz’s room, where he’s sitting, cross-legged, in his Super Mario Bros. pj’s, tapping away at his trusty laptop… his favorite possesion.]

Vi: A few more minutes, and I’ll have cracked into the U.S. voting system! I’ll be able to successfully change ALL votes for McCain and Obama… to votes for my favorite candidate ; BILL!

Vi’s Imaginary Friend, Lester : Bill Clinton’s not running. His wife tried, but…

Vi: Not Bill CLINTON! Bill GATES! Duhh~!!!1 You’re SUCH a n00b, Lester…

“Lester” : Hey, atleast I’m not the one who’s so desperate for a friend that he resorts to having an imaginary buddy well into his late 20s…

Vi: … Fuck off, Lester.

“Lester”: Yeah, yeah, that’s all you ever say… Man, you annoy me, and I don’t even EXIST…

*knock, knock*

Vi: Who’s there?

Axl: Candy gram.

Vi: Oh get in here ya jackass!

[Axl does so.]

Vi: You’ve been watching too many old SNL repeats…


Vi: *sigh* What are you doing in here? Make it quick, because I’ve got something very important to do on my laptop.

Axl: What, jack off to Jerri Li’s last rant? That video of that asian chick getting gack poured on her got you all hot and bothered, didn’t it?

Vi: NO!!! … Now, that one with the sucker, on the other hand…

Axl: Hey, lemme see your laptop real quick, I’ve gotta check my e-mail!

Vi: No! Dude – *Axl yanks the computer away* – HEY! Dammit bro, gimme it back!

Axl: Hey, what’s all this election shit for? Dude, this is lame… Meh, I’ll just exit out of this boring junk.

Vi: Wha- NO!!! You son-of-a- … JUST OPEN ANOTHER TAB!

Axl: Man, they call ME a hot head…

Vi: But I have a REASON to be pissed off! You’re ruining all that hard work I just put into getting our nation’s greatest hero elected as president!

Axl: Greatest… hero? … So you were trying to get ME elected as president?! Awww, shit, sorry dude… DAMMIT! … This is all your fault!

Vi: I- … WHAT?! MY fault?! How the hell is it MY fault?!

Axl: You shoulda known better than tah trust me with your stupid laptop! Hell, my computer’s in constant ‘safety mode’, just in case I accidentally delete the hard drive!

Vi: … You CAN’T delete the hard drive. … It’s HARDWARE.

Axl: … Well see, I didn’t even know that, how do you expect me to work this fancy shmancy thing?

Vi: *grabs the laptop back* From now on, keep your DAMN hands off my stuff, ok? Seriously… and FYI, you’re NOT this country’s greatest hero! Bill Gates is!

Axl: … Who?

Vi: … Just tell me what you came in here for.

Axl: Well, I was wondering. Do you still have some of those Wii-Station 360s lying around?

Vi: Uh… well, not here, but I know where the planes dropped them all. Not too far off from those huge heaps of E.T. games for the Atari 2600 they disposed of years and years ago…

Axl: Huh. Well then, have I got a proposition for you!

Vi: I hope it’s not another pyramid scheme…

Axl: Even better! Picture this… The RE-LAUNCH… of the X-Station Wii60!

Vi: … Welp, good luck with all that. Meanwhile, I’ll be working on my laptop…

Axl: No! I mean you and I! Together! Rebuilding the empire of the greatest system to ever exist in the history of HISTORY!

Vi: … The DreamCast?

Axl: … NO! The X-Station Wii60!!! Jesus mother fuckin’ CHRIST, get on the damn ball man!

Vi: Yeah, there’s the hothead we’ve all come to know and loathe…

Axl: You and I, the Hierarchy Brothers, putting to together a truly awesome work of art! Painting a masterpiece! You and I… giving life to the Wii60, so it may rise from the ash, and fullfill its destiny as the forerunner of the System Wars! Because a system with all three of the current generation systems’ titles combined… has GOT to be better than all three of the current generation systems combined! Or atleast better. … Or maybe worse.

Vi: Believe me, it was worse before… far worse… and it’s not going to get any less worse. It could only get worse…er.

Axl: So, you call up the people who dumped all those consoles in New Mexico or Arizona or France, or wherever that place was, and you have them start putting those things back on the shelves buster, because SOON… in about… 10 days to be exact, the second first game to come out for the Wii60 will debut!

Vi: Ugh… alright, for the simple fact that, other than screwing with the election results, I have absolutely nothing to do… I guess I’ll go along with this retarded plan. Give me a few days to design a game idea, and I’ll run it past ya, ok?

Axl: Uhm… nah, I already know what I want you to make.

Vi: … But dude, I’m the guy who MADE this system… I planned everything, and I think –

Axl: Sorry man, I really don’t have time to put any thought into this. I just need to make this thing as quick as possible, sell one copy for fifty bucks, and hand the cash over to Trey, so –

Vi: Whoa, wait a minute… Trey? … Does this have anything to do with BoB?

Axl: Uhhh… nope. Can’t say that it does…

Vi: So who’s Trey? … Say, you don’t have an imaginary friend too… do you?

Axl: … What?

Vi: SOOO, about this game… what’s your idea?

Axl: Well, I was thinking… Total Non-Stop Action Wrestling has a game, right?

Vi: They do? … What’s Total Non-Stop Action Wrestling? Is it another WWE brand? Jeez, first they destroy the legacy of ECW, and now they’re coming up with lamer sounding show titles than Sunday Morning Chloroform…

Axl: Total Non-Stop Action Wrestling is the only televised wrestling company other than WWE.

Vi: Oh… you mean they’re actually on TV?

Axl: Yeah… on Spike?

Vi: … Dudley?

Axl: NO! Argh, forget it, just think of it like this. They’re a wrestling company, and they have a game. And they’re a wrestling company that someone like you, whose entire life has consisted of nothing but wrestling and gaming, has never heard of. So seriously… how hard can it be to make a successful wrestling game?

Vi: I dunno… seeing as I’ve never heard of ’em, I’m not so sure if the game WAS successful… in fact, I’m pretty sure it’s a safe bet it wasn’t…

Axl: Well, ok, let me rephrase that. How hard can it be to sucker SOMEONE into buying atleast one copy? Maybe even a whole stack! Door stoppers are always in high demand… Higher than crappy wrestling games, anyway…

Vi: Well… ok. What kinda wrestling game ya want?

Axl: I’m thinking… TNA : iMPLOSION! .

Vi: … You said TNA already has a game out… wouldn’t you rather make a BoB game? Besides, couldn’t this “TNA” sue?

Axl: Nooo, see, this TNA is ‘Total Non-Action Wrestling’! The other TNA’s game is ‘iMPACT!’, while this game is ‘iMPLOSION!’. iMPLOSION! is BoB’s tv show on G5… dude, you know that!

Vi: Meh, I never pay much attention to what’s going on in the world around me. My life on the computer is good enough for me.

Axl: *smacks forehead* Just re-shelve the consoles, make the game, and ship those games out A.S.A.P.!

Viruz: So much for this being a “partnership”…

Axl: Hey! We’re still a team, man! I’ll be busy, sitting here at the castle, on the couch, watching “Sanford and Son” reruns!

Viruz: … But… how does that help the team?

*door slams*

Viruz: … Fuc-

> > > a day or so later < < < > > > close-up of newspaper headline :
– Local man buys crappy wrestling game for fifty dollars. Sues developer for fifty dollars. –

> > > close-up of a quote from purchaser :
“I lost five hours of my life to this game’s stupid story mode! Come on, the guy is beat up in the desert, and is forced to undergo plastic surgery, by some clod named Sillicone M. Plants. Every character you end up with has gazongas out to the moon! AND YOU CAN’T PLAY AS A CHICK! Who on God’s green Earth is gonna play a game where every guy ya play as ends up with fucked up orangutan titties?! It STINKS!”

[We find Axl holding the paper, with his fists gripping the pages… shaking with anger.]

Viruz: So… kinda sucks that was the only guy who bought the game… eh?

Axl: … FUC-

> > > several hours later < < < [Vi returns to the house, after being dressed up as American Panda, and "beaten up" by his brother. He holds an ice pack to his forehead walking into the house... But as soon as he's out of Axl's sight and sound, Vi quits the act, and drops the ice into a cup... pouring himself a glass of beer. He chugs it down in about three seconds flat, before heading into his bedroom.] Vi: Thank God I saved that copy of the instructions to hack into the voting system... I might be able to finish my work after all... Vi: Hold on... where's my damn laptop??? [Vi looks throughout the room, but finds no trace of the computer... finally, Axl steps into the room. Vi stares at him... And as he sees a crisp fifty dollar bill in Axl's hand, it dawns on him.] Vi: YOU BASTARD! Axl: Huh? Dude, chill-ax! Don't have a cow, bro. Vi: You... you... AGGHH!! You SOLD my laptop! For fifty dollars!!! Axl: ... *looks down at the fifty dollar bill in his hand* Ohhh, this? Uhhh... yeah... yeah, I guess I did. But, DUDE, when I kick Trey's ass and take that beer back? And then, when I cash that sucker in, and take what's always rightfully belonged to me?! Why... we'll be rolling in loot! You'll be able to buy, like, TWO laptops! Vi: ... Axl... get out. Axl: But - Vi: GET OUT! Get out... get out... GET!!! OUT!!! NOW!!!!!!!!~!!!11 Axl: I - [Viruz grabs something from off the nightstand... and swiftly tosses it toward Axl, who wisely shuts the door before the object manages to connect with him. Instead, it connects with the door... It's a framed picture... the frame of which shatters, sending glass and cardboard across the room. Vi rushes over to the photo, as it floats gently to the floor... As it lands, Viruz picks it up, and stares at the front...] [A picture of Axl, Viruz, and their parents... with Axl resting an arm over his brother's shoulder, and the two of them lifting the "devil horns" hand gesture. Vi stares at the picture in his hands for several seconds...] [... before tearing the picture to shreds, and allowing the bits of paper to join the scattered glass and cardboard.] Vi: Maybe Pigeon was right... |cut|

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The Royal Mis-Treatment.

September 16th, 2008
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[Axl is sitting in the middle of the couch, flipping through the channels of his new tv (now only a 15 incher. Michelle refused to pay a cent). Michelle walks in.]

Michelle: Axl, have you seen the card?

Axl: Yup.

Michelle: So, are you going to cut a promo regarding Luke Warm?


Axl: Yup.

Michelle: When?

Axl: Yup.

Michelle: … You’re not even listening to me, are you.

Axl: Yup.

Michelle: Dear sweet jesus w. christ… Forget it. I hope you get your ass stonecuttered!!!

Axl: Yup.

[Michelle is about to leave in a huff, when she looks through the window and sees Pigeon walking toward the dungeon, with two hands filled with to-go bags from McGreasyton’s.]

Michelle: … Axl, why is Pigeon walking toward, the dungeon, with two hands filled with to-go bags from McGreasyton’s? You don’t suppose Viruz didn’t chain Pigeon up properly, do you?

Axl: Yup.

Michelle: FAGGOT!!!

Axl: Yup.

Michelle: !!!

[Michelle turns back to the door, and this time DOES leave in a huff, as she slams the door behind her.]

Axl: YES! There we go, finally found something good. 24 hour Xena Warrior Princess marathon, here I come!

> > > meanwhile < < < Pigeon

[Pigeon walks into the dungeaon, arms carrying five or six paper bags of fast food.]

Pigeon: Alright, Mario, Tony, I’ve got the McSpaghetti and McRigatoni you fellas asked for… Rebecca, for you I’ve got the McSardinesAndSpinachBurger

Rebecca: EWWW! Ickie! I don’t want THAT!

Pigeon: Well, you didn’t specify what you wanted, so I just figured, what the hell.

Rebecca: I want something else!!! And NOW!!!

Pigeon: Well, let me put these bags down.

[Pigeon does so, before picking his nose for a good minute, and then lifting a golden nugget to Rebecca’s lips.]

Pigeon: There ya go, fresh from the bakery.

Rebecca: OH-MY-GOD! SICK! Get that away from me you sick freak!

Pigeon: As you wish.

[Pigeon devours the yellow morsel. He then picks up one bag, and pulls out a cherry pie.]

Pigeon: And snOw, I know how much you love pie, so, I got this for you.

snOw: Aww. Man, I’ve always been a poon-tang gal myself, but I guess cherry will have to do. Unless you’re willin’ to offer somethin’ up, Becky?!


Pigeon: Well, we better hurry up and scarf this shit. Axl might be down here soon, and although I’m not afraid… you guys are pretty much secod-rate sub-characters used soley for the purpose of interaction. I wouldn’t be surprised if he took off all four of your heads, just because he stubbed his toe or somethin’. You guys are pretty much Star Trek crew members in red shirts. Disposable like soiled diapers, ya know?

All Four: …

Pigeon: But hey, look at the bright side. You get to spend the last of your days in a filthy, dirty, disgusting dungeon surrounded by rats and roaches, until Axl has enough of you clowns and decides to slice your heads off for the hell of it.

All Four: …

Pigeon: So… dig in!

Mario Spaghetti: It’s-ah me! Ah Mari-

Tony Spaghetti: Dammit, I hope Axl whacks you first, so’s I can have atleast ten seconds of my life without hearin’ that fuckin’ line!

snOw: Becky, before we go, how’s about we bang the hell out of eachother? There’s no better way to go out than by tastin’ the sweet, sweet juices of Lady Pussy!

Rebecca: NEVER!!! … Unless you get me really, REALLY drunk first. Or stoned.

Pigeon: Quoth the Pigeon… Bi-chicks rule.

Rebecca: I am NOT bi!

snOw: Yeah. That’s what they ALL say. :p

Rebecca: AGGHHH!!!

> > > meanwhile < < < [Axl is still sitting in the middle of the couch, eyes on the tv. He has viewed the BoB news brief, stating the card, and his match with Luke Warm.] Axl: Son of a BITCH! Why I am a stuck with such a... such a... HACK?! This guy hasn't shown up on the rant zone in ages, ever since he ran those cheap "viral" videos, and now I'm stuck facing him in the curtain jerker! This is ludicrous! This is proposterous! This is an outrage! This... This is - Michelle: This is your brain. [Michelle shows a photo of a woman.] Michelle: This is your brain after watching an Axl promo. [Michelle shows a photo of the very same woman, appearing with her face drastically contorted, ala the people who watched the video in "The Ring".] Michelle: Any questions? [Axl turns to Michelle. Who is sitting next to him on the couch. ... Yup.] Axl: Michelle! You're the HEAD BOOKER! Why am I not in the main event?! Why am I atleast not in the middle card?! I'm not a jobber, dammit! Michelle: Are you a nugget? Axl: What? Michelle: Nevermind. The thing is, baby, you just don't... well, see, the people don't... Axl: ... Michelle: You don't draw money for BoB. Axl: But none of the guys on the roster draw money for BoB! Michelle: Yeah, but you're the only guy on the roster that actually makes BoB LOSE money! Besides XXXTreme Machine, anyway, but atleast he's willing to be torn apart, shredded, and jobbed to hell and back. You on the other hand? You call in sick to work if you get a BUMP on your toungue! And now you're complaining about being in the opening match! Axl, I hate to say it, but for fuck's sake, even I feel like firing you sometimes! Axl: ... But honey... Michelle: Seriously, Axl. You're like a male diva or something. In more ways than one... Axl: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!!! Michelle: Nah, you can keep it. Axl: Ugh... Michelle, I deserve better treatment than this! I'm a super-duper mega star! I'm a KING! I'm BoB's only Savior! Michelle: Then why don't you start acting like it, and stop bitching, moaning, whining, complaining, getting pissed off at the slightest little thing, and being a paranoid, schizophrenic, delusional, spoiled rotten BRAT?! Axl: ... Because... Cuz I don't wanna. Michelle: Oh brother... Axl: Hey! That just gave me a great idea! Hmm... they want to put me in a match against Luke Warm? Well then, I say fine! I'll just fight fire with fire! Michelle: What do you mean? ... Actually, why am I asking, I'm sure you'll explain to me for the next thirty or forty minutes... Axl: You're wrong for once, Michelle! I'm keeping my lips sealed! Michelle: Thank god for that... Axl: I've got to get in touch with my brother... there's some work to be done... [Axl lifts himself up off the couch and heads out through the door... leaving Michelle to the tv.] Michelle: Xena Warrior Princess? 24 hour MARATHON?! Goddamn, Axl's more of a chick than I am... Michelle: I wonder if there's any titty flicks on... |the|

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Blame Game.

September 13th, 2008
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[The camera opens to Axl lying on the couch, in front of the tv, checking out the replay of “Running On Empty“… an ice pack on his forehead, from one of the numerous piranha bites he suffered.]

[The audio from the television set is heard, as Axl grimaces in pain…]

Pigeon: Hey, look. It’s Jeff Hardy and Bono making out in the front row!

Axl: What? Where!


[Axl wonders aloud…]

Axl: How did he know… I coulda sworn I didn’t post it on my MySpace… and I’m pretty sure I didn’t say anything about it on the Hardy Boyz or U2 forums that I frequent every day from the time I wake up at 3pm till the time I go to bed… usually around 6am the next morning… I wonder how he knew?


Michelle: Knew what?

[Michelle walks into the picture, perplexed by Axl’s question.]

Axl: Uh… er… MICHELLE! I’ve been meaning to talk to you. You know, I really thought you loved me… I really thought you cared…

Michelle: What ever gave you that idea? ERRR, I mean, of course I do baby! So, uh… what’s the deal? Because I really need some of your sweet, sweet “Mayor of Sinister City” moolah. I’ve got my eyes set on this diamond encrusted vibrator…

Axl: Michelle, I heard what you said on commentary! Now, I could handle Pigeon, because he was worthless to the Hierarchy anyway. But YOU?! I’d never in a million years expect YOU, my Queen, to betray me!

Michelle: … Wha’?

Axl: Feast your eyes on the tv set!

[Axl sets the ice pack on the table, and tracks the tape to a certain part, before pressing play…]

Michelle: Hehehehe. (Whispering) Scotty, to be honest, I think Axl’s only asking me who my daddy is so Axl can picture him naked.

Axl: And THIS!!!

[He presses fast forward… yeah, I’m cutting the narration short. Just doing my duty to keep this thing under six pages. You can thank me later, John…]

Michelle: This is just like being on ecstasy when Axl’s in the room. Just really, really confusing and disappointing.

Axl: SO?! What do you have to say for yourself?!

Michelle: I… I… … *snort* BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh dear LORD, I crack me up! Strangely, I’m more funny at On-Demands and iMPLOSION tapings than I am, like, you know, now?

Axl: I’m funny…

Michelle: Huh? No, I said I’M not funny.

Axl: No, I… I mean to say… nevermind. … You think I’m an ok writer, don’t you? I mean… I don’t suck out loud, do I?

Michelle: I wouldn’t know. I don’t have a dick.

Axl: … THAT’S IT! This relationship is FINISHED!

Michelle: … Ok? Seriously, there’s plenty of guys just banging at the door to be with me…

Axl: Really? Already coming back for seconds, are they?

Michelle: !!! You take that back!


Michelle: Nah.

Axl: SO I – … Wait, what? You’re supposed to argue back!

Michelle: Dude, I don’t blow out a blood vessel over every fucking little thing like you. Why don’t you argue with yourself? You might actually win something for once!

Axl: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU BITCH!!!


Axl: GRRRR… Alright, you can stay… but bring in Viruz. I need to speak with my brother… alone.

Michelle: Oooo, I smell incest! And it smells ROTTEN!


[Michelle sticks out her tounge, before heading for the door. Viruz enters, Michelle exits. As Axl sits on the couch, tapping his fingers away at the armrest, Viruz looks a bit puzzled.]


Viruz: So, uh, hey bro… you call me in here –

Axl: VIRUZ. You dissapoint me.

Viruz: … Right… Is that all?

Axl: … No.

Viruz: Fuck, not another one of your long ass boring diatribes… I mean! Uh… aw shit, go ahead, get it over with. [looks at watch] Dammit, I better not miss Deep Space Nine for this…

Axl: Brother… my loyal, and most trusted consultant… friend… peer… bro. The one whom sprung forth from the very same womb as I. My brethran. Viruz. Good, and loyal, and trusted, and worthy, and –


Axl: … Ahem. As you know, we competed in a handicap match against Pigeon at Running on Empty.

Viruz: … Yeah, wow, that only occured, what, 5 FRICKIN’ HOURS AGO?!

Axl: And I’m still feeling the pain.

Viruz: I’m feeling the pain… Oh dear God, do you ever have anything to say, or do you just start rambling, and pray that whatever comes out forms a coherent thought?

Axl: I’M TRYING TO SPEAK, ALRIGHT?! Can I finish?!

Viruz: I wish you would…

Axl: -_- Anyway… As I was saying. During our match, you forced Detached Narrator to hand you the Narrating powers.

Viruz: … I did? … I thought he forced ME to take over for him so he could mess with Scotty?

Axl: REGARDLESS. When you took over, you pressed a button. A button of cataclysmic proportions. A button that you KNEW you shouldn’t have pressed!

Viruz: Was it a campaign button?

Axl: That one wasn’t even funny!

Viruz: I know, you wrote that one!

Axl: Bastard, I did not! Lies…

Viruz: But that was just ONE lie.

Axl: Well… uh… you DID tell more than one lie. The first one was that I wrote that.

Viruz: … Annnd?

Axl: And… SO, anyway –

Viruz: You suck.

Axl: I’M NOT GAY!!!

Viruz: Jeez… Mr. Defensive, aren’t we?

Axl: The bottom line is, you pushed a button that caused me to lose!

Viruz: US!

Axl: Us to lose. That’s what I said!

Viruz: No it’s not!

Axl: And here’s the footage! And you suck ass.

Viruz: HEY!

[Axl tracks the tape once again, presses play, and – ]

Viruz: … Why are you showing me gay porn? …. EWWW, Why is gay porn even ON your tape?! DUDE, GROSS!!!

Axl: I-UH-I… MICHELLE!!! You recorded over my BoB tape again!!! Heheh, yeah, see there Vi, total… uh… miscommunication is what it is… er, uhm, uh… yeah.

Viruz: Suuure, bro. I’ll keep your secret. … As will all the people that are watching this promo!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!


[Suddenly, Michelle comes in, snatches the tape, and looks at Axl.]

Michelle: Axl… Viruz didn’t see… anything… did he?

Viruz: … Hold on… wait a minute, you mean, that really IS your tape? … Damn.

Michelle: … You saw it, didn’t you.

Viruz: Yeah. Well, atleast I know why you’re into Axl and not me. You get turned on my gay dudes!


Michelle: Yeah… it’s sad, isn’t it?

Viruz: Very.

Michelle: Aw well, maybe one day I can land a three-way with Axl and one of his “close friends”. I’ll watch them go at it for a bit… Then me and the other dude will go at for a bit.


Michelle: Hey, I said you and him can go at it first! Sheesh, little miss stingy!

Axl: I MEANT – Dammit, for the last time, I’m – not – GAYYY!!!

Viruz: Man, bro, your face is redder than a baboon’s ass…

Michelle: And trust me, the baboon’s ass smells way, way better!

Viruz: Holler!

*Viruz and Michelle high five*

Axl: ARRRGGGHHH! Viruz, I have a copy of the ppv. And I’m going to show it to you!

Viruz: The pay-per-view? Because if you mean something else…

Michelle: You mean his…

Viruz: Yeah, I’m sure he’s just WAITING to whip it out.

Michelle: It’s like a baby carrot!

Viruz: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! A BABY- A baby carrot, hahahahahaha, *snort* Ohhh, my GOD you’re cool Michelle, ya know that?

Michelle: Meh. Somebody has to be in this relationship.


[Axl jams the tape in, and presses play.]

[ (voice of Viruz) What’s this button do?]

Pigeon: Hey, look. It’s Jeff Hardy and Bono making out in the front row!

Axl: What? Where!



[What the hell?]

YSW: Viruz, I’m afraid you hit the “Randomly End This Match” button. Oh well. Go Green Mosheen!

[Younger Scotty Whatbody vanishes, and Viruz reappears in the middle of the ring.]


SW: Bwahahaha! Viruz just put 18 million cracks in the barbed wire glass table. He’s like Hillary Clinton. A big loser!

Viruz: … Well… that wasn’t funny at all.

Michelle: Heh… kinda was.

[Viruz looks at Michelle.]

Michelle: KINDA. Crimeny…

Axl: So, as you can plainly see, you, Viruz, pressed that button, the button YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PRESSED… and single handedly cost us the damn match! What do you have to say for yourself?!

Viruz: You have a baby carrot dick.

Axl: … VIRUZ!!! The only way you’re going to make this up to me, is if you track down Pigeon, chain him up, and lock him away in the dungeon. And every day, until October Surprise, we’re going to torture the poor bastard!

Viruz: What, are you going to have a television down they’re playing your promo’s 24/7?

Axl: … NO! Just… Just go. Find him. Beat him down. Whatever you have to do, just make sure that son-of-a-bitch is locked up inside the castle dungeon before noon. Do you understand?

Viruz: Well…



Axl: !!!

Viruz: I mean, yes. I understand.

Axl: You know Vi, that no matter how many insults you throw down upon me, that I’m your ticket to success. I’m the strong link in the family genes. And without me, you’d be nothing but a common peasant… a beggar, just like the rest of the filth in my Kingdom. But with me? You have power. Some power… just a teeny, tiny morsel of power. But enough. Enough to put you at a position second only to me. But a distant, DISTANT second. For I am the King… the SAVIOR of Brawlers on a Budget. And –

Michelle: Uh, baby?

Axl: Yes, can’t you see I’m in the middle of one of my speeches?

Michelle: Just thought you’d like to know that Viruz left about five minutes ago. God, he’s right, you do tend to ramble on…

Axl: …

Michelle: Just saying…

[Michelle is about to leave, when Axl calls for her…]

Axl: Michelle…

Michelle: Yeah?

Axl: Call Kurt. And tell him… although I appreciated his assistance… It wasn’t needed.

Michelle: Are you kidding me? You guys were being manhandled by Pigeon out there! … What am I saying, your little baby carrot dick was probably cumming like water from a garden hose out there! BWAHAHA!

Axl: JUST… Just tell Kurt… Tell him that if I want help? I’ll ask for it. I’m the King of this City, and the Savior of BoB. And I’ll be DAMNED if I need anyone’s help… DO YOU HEAR ME MICHELLE?! DO YOU?! DO – … Michelle?

[Axl looks over the back of the couch, but Michelle’s already left.]

Axl: … Fuck. Aw well… who needs ’em.

[Axl reaches over to the table, grabs the ice pack, and rests it back on his forehead… as he continues watching the “Running on Empty” tape…]

> > > meanwhile… < < < Pigeon

[Vi walks through the front door… but just as he does, he finds Pigeon… sitting just outside the castle, cross-legged… picking his nose. Pigeon spots Viruz, and removes his finger from his nostril… lifting the green and yellow tipped finger toward the “l33t hax0r”…]

Pigeon: Care to have a taste?

Viruz: Uh… no thanks.

Pigeon: Fine… suit yourself.

[Pigeon consumes the boogie.]

Viruz: … Ok… Hey, uh, would you mind being locked up in a dungeon, and tortured daily?

Pigeon: Sure, why not. Sounds fun.

Viruz: Cool…

[Viruz leads Pigeon toward the basement of the “castle”, which has been converted into a dungeon. Attached to the walls are Tony Spaghetti, Mario Spaghetti, raYne’s sister snOw, and roving reporter Rebecca Mulesworth.]

Pigeon: Wow… Axl’s gained quite a collection.

Viruz: Yeah. Say hi everybody!

Tony: Wassamata you! Heyyy, ova’ hee-yah!

Viruz: Alright, that’s enough from you, ya damn Brooklyn-Italian stereotype!

Mario: It’s-ah Me, Ah-

Viruz: Same goes for you, ya plain ol’ Italian stereotype!

snOw: This sucks. When do we get out of here? Hey, Rebecca, you a lesbian?

Rebecca: EWWW, NO! Like, I am SOOO straight, totally! I cannot even BELIEVE you just asked me that?! I would not go out with you, you… you… DYKE!

snOw: Hey, if ya got tits, ya got a nice round ass, and ya got a juicy little hair pie I can sink my teeth intah, you’re my kinda lady, no matter if you THINK you’re a lesbian or not! Sister, I could make you scream louder than any man could ever dream of! Besides, my genetalia’s ready to give AND receive, if ya know what I mean!

Rebecca: Oh-my-god, you’re a hermaphrodite. ICKIE! Stay away from me! Dammit, why are we even in the same dungeon! Can’t I get switched over to another room or something?!

Viruz: Maybe I oughta bring down the duct tape… aw well. Pigeon, come over here. there’s one more spot for a prisoner, and it’s got your name on it.

Pigeon: I don’t see my name anywhere…

Viruz: Well, it’s a metaphor.

Pigeon: Or is it a simile?

Viruz: I’m not for certain… Anyway, I’ll lock you up.

Pigeon: Alright…

Viruz: Annnd, there ya go.

Pigeon: … Are you sure? It doesn’t seem to –

Viruz: [to everyone] Alright everybody, I’ll be heading out now. Remember… keep your chins up.

Mario: It’s-ah ME, ah-Mar-

Tony: Aw, give it a rest, bro! Seriously, is that all yooz eva’ say, ovah hee-yah? “It’s-ah me, ah-Mario!” Sunnamagun! It’s like your a goddam walkin’ talkin’ stereotype!

Rebecca: Look who’s talkin’…

Tony: I SWEAR! Yooz says one more thing, ONE more, and you’ll be sleepin’ wit’ da fishes!

Viruz: Pigeon… stay tough.

Pigeon: Why are you being so nice?

Viruz: Trust me… out of me and my brother? I’m the one that actually received a conscience. All he got was… well, a little baby carrot dick.

Pigeon: …

Viruz: Yeah, just forget I said anything. Anyway… be strong. I’m out.

[Viruz heads for the door… but just as he’s about to close it, Pigeon calls him back.]

Pigeon: Viruz…

Viruz: Yes?

Pigeon: I was in this conversation with a friend of mine the other day… pondering wrestling’s greatest tag teams. And how much one member of each team would have benefited if they were given a singles push.

Viruz: Yeah? So?

Pigeon: I always did think you were the talented one. Not only as a brother of Axl’s… but as a tag team partner. Sometimes it’s better for one to trek out on their own… than to focus on sharing the glory.

Viruz: Well –

Pigeon: Don’t allow Axl to fool you, Viruz. He may tell you that he’s the talented one, and that you’re simply riding on his coattails… but the truth is, it’s the other way around. Without you? He’d be nothing.

Viruz: But… I…

Pigeon: Think about it. And tell him… I’m waiting for the torture. It better be painful… it better be brutal. Because I want to feel my blood trickling down from every cut… I want to bruise, Viruz.

Pigeon: I want to hurt.

Viruz: … Damn. You’re one sick mo-fo.

Pigeon: Indubidibly.

[Viruz leaves… and Pigeon stares at the dusty, dungeon floor… arms in chains at his sides… Pigeon resembling Jesus on the crucifix.]

Pigeon: Quoth the Pigeon…



snOw: Hosebrain!

Rebecca: Gack-breath!!!

Pigeon: *sigh* And I believe the torture has officially begun…

> > > meanwhile < < < [The camera opens one last time... this time, to a close-up of the living room tv set.]

Styles: Once again, Steel Chair’s got the cover! One! Two! NO! Kobe got the shoulder up somehow once again!

[lights out.]

Styles: Damnit! Who keeps doing that?

SW: Maybe it’s that dude from “Airplane!”

Styles: No, he’s dead.

SW: He is? Aww, man. Way to bring down the show, Styles.

[lights on. Three additional chairs are in the ring now. One is in the hands of a blonde woman who is now in the ring.]


Styles: And that’s a DQ.

SW: What in the hell is this?

[The woman picks up the various chairs and begins hitting Kobe with them.]

SW: A white woman pissed at Kobe? She must be pregnant with his kid.

Styles: That’s pretty likely. Kobe Gyant’s gonna win this one by DQ. But what is the deal with this woman.

SW: Mike Monroe’s going in for an interview? Bwahahaha. Hit Mike!

Mike Monroe: Excuse me, ma’am. What is the meaning of this? Who are you?

Woman: Who am I? My name is Va-Jay-Jay Dillon! And may I introduce to you, the most elite group in parody wrestling today! Steel Chair! Red Chair! Black Chair! And Beige Chair. The 4 Steelchairs! Tell ’em, Steel!

[Mike holds the microphone up, er, down to Steel Chair.]

Steel Chair: …

Crowd: Woooo!

SW: That’s the best promo of its career. And 20 times better than Axl’s best promo.

MM: And what do you have to say for yourself, Red Chair?

Red Chair: …

MM: Menacing. Gentlechairs, we’re out of time. Styles, Scotty, it looks like there’s a new stable gunning for Kobe Gyant, masterminded by Va-Jay-Jay Dillon here. And whether we like it, or we don’t like it, we better learn to tolerate it. Styles, Scotty, back to you.

[Axl seems furious with what he sees… fueld by anger, Axl rewinds the tape… and it soon becomes apparent that it’s not what he SEES… but what he hears which is ticking him off so much.]

[He returns to the same line… over… and over… and over again.]

Steel Chair: …

Crowd: Woooo!

SW: That’s the best promo of its career. And 20 times better than Axl’s best promo.

MM: And what do you have to say for yourself, Red Chair?

*rewind, rewind…*

SW: That’s the best promo of its career. And 20 times better than Axl’s best promo.

*rewind, rewind…*

SW: That’s the best promo of its career. And 20 times better than Axl’s best promo.

[Axl finally has enough, and flings his ice pack at the tv set… promptly tipping it over… and causing the screen of the set to shatter.]

Axl: Uh oh… Michelle’s not gonna be happy about that…

Axl: …

Axl: But really.

Axl: Who the fuck cares?


Michelle: AXL! What was that crashing sound?!

Axl: Shit…


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Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Evil-Lution.

August 23rd, 2008


[Axl is lying in bed, with Michelle, flipping through channels, when he falls upon the BoB promo network. Studs’ promo flashes by… followed by Trey’s… which is then followed by Mano’s… and then, some guy with a giant, inflatable, squeaky, rubber octopus apparently named Googoo Cachoob… and finally, the Wiccan Lesbian (or is that EX-Lesbian?), Kay Fabe.]

Axl: … Michelle?

Michelle: *snoring… loudly*

Axl: …

[Axl slowly moves his hand beneath the covers… reaching toward Michelle’s naked nether regions…]

Michelle: Mmm… *snore* … Don’t touch me there, daddy, I’m not Eliza… No dad! I… *snore* … well, I better be getting paid extra for this… *snore*

[Michelle’s eye suddenly flutter open… she looks under the sheet.]

Michelle: Axl… are you trying to finger me while I’m asleep?

Axl: … Uhhh…

Michelle: Can you PLEASE… go down a bit, and to the left?

Axl: … Uhh…

Michelle: Ahh… yeah, that’s it… Oh, God, yeah, that’s it… try two fingers… OH YES… !!!~!

Axl: Dammit!

Michelle: Wh- Why’d you stop?! I was just about tah – ACK! Why are you reaching in my ass? … AXL!

Axl: There we go!

Michelle: No, there we DON’T go! There we most certainly don’t go!

Axl: Yes! It’s not even got any shit on it! … Well, not much anyway… But hey, a shitty hot pocket’s still a hot pocket! *munch* Mmm, and your mud flaps kept it warm! Deee-licous!

Michelle: AXL!!! WHAT THE- Oh my GOD, did you just get that out of my… YUCK!

[Axl finishes off the hot pocket, and lets out a belch, before patting his gut.]

Axl: Ya got any dessert lodged up there? I could really go for some cherry cheesecake…

Michelle: Stop getting food out of my ass! DAMMIT… now, I’m going to go take a fuckin’ shower, I feel… dirty…

Axl: Hey, if you find anything else down there, make sure and leave it on the sink. I’m always gettin’ the munchies when I’m in there taking a dump.

Michelle: …

[Michelle gets up, and heads into the bathroom… while Axl stretches. It’s a brisk, late-summer’s afternoon, and Axl’s just woke up. The time’s about 12:30… you get the picture. Let’s just hear what Axl’s gotta say, eh?]

Axl: Ya know… there’s one single, solitary person I need to address. It’s not Insano Man, or Joob-Joob the Platypus. And no, it’s not even you Studs. Though, I do want to reiterate – I’M NOT GAY! My brother’s… well, sometimes I worry about that boy. But I’M NOT GAY. So… suck it. Tasty pants. …


Michelle: [from the bathroom] Ha! You’re telling him you’re not gay, and then you turn around and call him “tasty pants”, and tell him to “suck it”! I bet you WOULD like him to suck it! Bwahahahaha!

Axl: … KAY! Yes, you, Kay Fabe! I just want to know one thing. Did it feel good?

Michelle: [from the bathroom] WHAT?! Are you talking dirty to Kay?!

Axl: No! … But did it Kay? I bet it did…

Michelle: You bet what did?!

Axl: Uh… when she stuck a flute up her pussy!

Michelle: Ohhh, ok. … Wait…

Axl: Anyway… whenever you’re ready to leave that scrub, Harker… you know where to find me.

Michelle: AXLLL!!!

Axl: What?! I’m just telling Kay where to find me, so… so I can remove that flute from her pussy!

Michelle: Ohhh, ok! …

[Axl leans in toward the camera, and whispers.]

Axl: And so I can stick something longer… thicker… and way… waaay harder in there, if you know what I mean!

Michelle: THAT’S IT! John said you need to cut your promo’s short, I think now’s that time!

Axl: BUT…!

Michelle: CUT!!!

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Re: Evil-Lution

August 22nd, 2008

Steve Studnuts

~~~Steve Studnuts is in his giagantic home in Phoenix, Az, channel surfing between scat porn and BOB promos… because shitting on people is funny.~~~

Studs: Well gatdamn, son! You took that “less is more” statement literally, didn’t ya? Congratulations.

It’s your:


~~~He picks up his cell phone~~~

Studs: Pardon me, fuck stick. I have to call my “partner”.

~~~He presses a single button and waits~~~

Studs: Come on, faggot. Pick up.

~~~A split sceen emerges. Dr. Silaconne M. Plants is seen a bit worse for wear, nervously thumbing through a leaflet in his office entitled: “Augmentations For Dummies.”~~~

(((A ringtone similar to Sade’s “Smooth Operator” is heard.)))

Dr. Silaconne M. Plants

SMP: Hello?

Studs: Hi. Who’s this?

SMP: Huh? You called me. Who’s this?

Studs: What’s your favorite scary movie?

SMP: What?

Studs: Come on! What’s your favorite scary movie?

SMP: Who is this?

Studs: A SCARY MOVIE SURVEY GUY! Just answer the fuckin’ question.

SMP: Oh, okay. I’ll say… hmmmm.

Studs: Do you like scary movies? Come on, what’s your favorite. It’ll be fun.

SMP: I think “Blazing Yarmulkes” might be scary… but I’m going to say “The Sound of Music.”

Studs: Is that the one where the guy has KNIVES for fingers?

SMP: No, that’s Nightmare on Elm Street.

Studs: Really? Say, what’s your name?

SMP: Didn’t you call me? You should know my name. I’m a very famous professional wrestler. Dr. Silaconne M. Plants! Heard of me?

Studs: No.

SMP: Oh, well I’m VERY famous. But anyway, why do you want to know my name?

Studs: I just wanted to know who I was lookin’ at. Umm, I mean….talkin’ to.

SMP: What did you say?

Studs: I’m goin’ to gut your girlfriend like a fish! With my dick!AGAIN!

~~~Steve hangs up.~~~


~~~Steve composes himself.~~~

Studs: Alright Axl, back to you.

First of all…kudos on becomin’ XXXtreme Machine’s new cumpot. But I guess your loose lips, in addition to makin’ you a good cumpot, have now gotten you into some trouble.

I heard a rumor in the locker room that your faggot ass and your faggot brother are lookin’ for the tag-straps. Big mistake, jerkweed.

But if you two choad smokers can ever MAKE it to a title match, I’ll deal with you then.

And that will be the day that you die. Miss American fuckin’ pie.

P.S. I fucked Michelle.

Goodbye, dick gulper!


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August 16th, 2008


> > > The Castle Court Yard < < < [A ring is set up... or more like, four poles driven into the ground with tattered rope tied around each, and a blue tarp layed down in the center. It seems as though, even with all the changes Axl has been trying to make, he can't escape the desire to put on rigged matches simply to put himself over. Some things never change...] Michelle

Michelle: Ladies and gentlemen!

[The camera shows that there are six or seven chairs set up. Six or Seven EMPTY chairs…]

Michelle: The following contest is scheduled for one fall, and is for the “Hierarchy King of Kings Championship” !!! Introducing first, he is the leader of the Hierarchy… he is the King of Sinister City… and he is the CHAMP! King… Axxxlll!!!

Speakers: Kill me with a beat.

[“Do You Call My Name” hits on an invisible stereo, and the newly installed drawbridge lowers down across the newly created moat. Of course, the “drawbridge” is merely the same old door the “castle” originally had, only with new mechanisms attached to allow for it to move downward, instead of to the side. And the “moat” couldn’t be any more than a foot deep, and 2 or 3 feet wide… Gee, Axl really went all out, didn’t he?]

[Axl walks across the “drawbridge”… which promptly breaks apart, sending Axl dropping onto his hands and knees in the shallow “moat”, causing his nice… torn and shredded jeans and king’s robe to become slightly soaked.]

Axl: GODDAMIT! Fuck! That’s it, this moat is GONE!!! Sir Richard! Replace this door at once, and have it swing from the SIDE, not downward! Got that?!

Sir Richard: Ci.

Axl: You’re damn right Ci… To shining Ci, mother fucker! Ugh, I just had my personal designer shred these pants! Now they’re all wet! Yuck! Well, no matter, I’ll just have him buy me and shred me another pair. These damn things are too tight on me anyhow…

Michelle: You better not be gaining any more weight! I’ve been sure to hide all the junk food lately… I’ve noticed that extra pound you put on!

Axl: Aw cram it, it’s not like you haven’t added a pound or two to that “slim figure” of yours! Sir Richard, get me the hell out of this muck! I’ll be damned if I stand up by myself!

Sir Richard: Ci…

[Sir Richard, Knight of the Hierarchy, lifts Axl from the moat, and the King heads toward the makeshift ring. He pulls a title belt out from its place attached to the inside of his robe… A belt made of cardboard, with hastily drawn words which pronounce it the “Hierarchy King of Kings” title. You’d think with how many belts Axl’s made for himself, he’d have gotten atleast a bit better at it by now but… not the case, apparently.]

[Axl places his robe and crown on the outside of the “ring”, as Michelle begins to announce the challenger…]

Michelle: And his opponent… hailing from Samich, Connecticut… he is the former We Win Everything champion… He was the leader of the sWo, when that guy Reeve Gordon was away filming ‘Santa With Muscles 2: Tables, Ladders, and Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire’… he is the MANG-ah, and he’s just that… damn… Jawesome. Ladies and gentlemen…

[Camera pans over the six or seven empty chairs once again… you’d think Axl would have had a few of his “faithful” citizens view the match… and if they decline, he could always use some more warm bodies in the dungeon…]

Michelle: … This… is… Tripleeeee S!!!

[“It’s Time to Play So Lame” by Some Generic “Alternative” Rock Band hits, and the crowd goes monkey… well, atleast, the sounds of a crowd bleeds over the song on whatever imaginary stereo Axl has provided for the event. Triple S walks to the “moat” from within the castle, and hops over the wrecked “drawbridge”. Trips has been off touring Japan’s high school gymnasiums and bingo halls ever since his departure from BoB. But now, he’s back… well, back for one night to do the quick j.o.b. to MacBry’s new head character.]

Michelle: HEY! I’ll sooo have Kay Fabe knock the crap out of you!

[Sorry, sorry… sheesh. Trips walks over to the ring, stands at the ropes, sips from a bottle of tap water, before spitting it out… mainly because, let’s face it, tap water tastes like shit.]

[Trips gets into the ring and grabs a microphone from out of thin air, and as Axl yawns, Trips speaks…]

Triple S: God it’s been a long time… Ya know, I’ve been over in Japan for the past FOUR years… and lemme tell you, their crappy wrestling venues are alot worse than our crappy wrestling venues! It’s good to be back here in America, where an injury-prone, self-absorbed, narcissistic, sledge-hammer wielding roid-head gets the respect he so richly deserves! I’ve been away from BoB for far too long… the camera misses me. And having a BoB camera here, right before my very eyes, takes me back to that second episode of WWE… where Vince Mackmin and I layed down the gauntlet for not only the We Win Everything roster, but all those Brawlers in the lockeroom. We were destined to lead the sWo to the very TOP of the business… it was nearly set in stone. But then? That stupid son of a bitch BigBOSS had to let us go.

Triple S: Biggest mistake of his life.

Triple S: I’ve always been destined for greatness, and –

[Axl rips the microphone out of Trips’ hand, and speaks into it.]

Axl: Trips! The only man in BoB that gets to spend an hour talking is ME, so get that through your friggin’ skull right now. Now, the only reason, and I mean the only reason you’re here is to do the job to me, so get to jobbin’!

[Axl drops the microphone, Michelle signals for the bell [which, like the stereo, is also invisible…], and the Queen takes the position of referee. Axl kicks Trips in the gut, he doubles over, and Axl loads the Mang-ah up for the Evil-Lution Bomb… but wait, Triple S actually backbody drops Axl onto the tarp? With Axl holding his back in pain, Trips grabs the mic…]

Triple S: I don’t do the job for anybody, CHUMP. I have others do the job for ME, got that pal? Now, Michelle, sweetie, get that hand ready. You’re about to count the fall.

[Triple S pulls Axl off the tarp, loads him up, and drops him with the Peticure! He then goes for the cover, and Michelle reluctantly counts the pin…]

Michelle: I can’t believe this… Your winner and new “Hierarchy King of Kings” champ… Triple S?

[Michelle holds the belt, and Trips grabs it out of her hands… Before picking up the microphone.]

Triple S: [Trips lowers himself above Axl, who is coughing and wheezing vehemently] Axl… you think you can just push around everyone you meet? Your “knights”, your citizens… the BoB roster, even the BoB commentator’s for pete’s sake? Well, buddy boy, it’s time you had a little taste of your own medicine. It’s time someone showed you how it feels to be kicked in the ass for doing nothing more than look at you. Ya see… I didn’t get this belt for myself. Even though I love the idea of being champion, as anyone probably does, there’s only one man that deserves this particular belt. Simply because you held it just to boost your own ego.

Triple S: Quoth the Mang-ah… Game On.

[Trips slings the belt over his shoulder, and heads toward the gates of the castle, where Sir Lancelot stands guard. He tries to put up a brave front, but with one menacing glare from the current “King of Kings” champ, the Good Sir gingerly backs down, and allows for the Mang-ah to pass through and out into the city… no telling where he could be headed…]

|to be continued|

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Operation Immortality

August 15th, 2008

– – – – – – – – –


> > > Backstage at Power is Stolen < < < Michelle: Hey, check this out. The Parts Unknown Tribune has an article on Operation Immortality. Axl: So? Michelle: Well, Operation Immortality is a space mission to send DNA as well as other various materials to a space station, to help rebuild the human race in the event of a global calamity. Michelle

Axl: … So?

Michelle: It says they chose a member of the BoB roster-

Axl: OHHH! Sweet! Let me guess, they chose me because I’m the only member of royalty on Earth that can wear torn up shit and make it look GOOD? Or, did they choose me for the ‘Independant Professional Amateur Fake-Ass E-Sports Entertainment Wrestling Superstar’ position? You know, because I AM the BluePrint. Atleast, for egotistical, self-obsessed pricks. And I even make being an egotistical, self-obsessed prick look good! Or is it because –

Michelle: AHEM!!! I was GOING to say… It says they chose a member of the BoB roster…’s son.

Axl: …

Michelle: They chose the Great’s son Johnny because, quite frankly, he’s about as intelligent as an American could possibly dream of becoming. He already knows how to tie his shoe better than George W. The article also has a quote from Johnny, mentioning something about how, with the help of Johnny’s “Master Plan of Much More Evil-ness Than Anything That Bird-Brained Axl Could Cook Up”, The Great and Pete Trable are a shoe-in to face the NGETFA champs… and DEFINITELY not that bird-brained Axl, and what’s-his-face.

Axl: That brat’s dad and his wigger pal are SO dead! I’m heading to the ring, I think I hear my music!

[Axl departs, leaving Michelle to scratch her head.]

Michelle: Huh. Didn’t this show begin… what… 5 whole days ago? Maybe my watch is just fast… Really, REALLY fast…


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Hail to the Kings.

July 20th, 2008
Comments Off on Hail to the Kings.


[The scene: The Residence of Evil. The time: 10 o’clock PM, July 19th, 2008. Pigeon and Roydz have just entered through the front door, wearing the Sinister City jerseys they wore to the game. The game they lost. The game Axl bet on… and is now more than pissed off about. As Pigeon and Steve make their way toward the living room couch with solemn expressions, Axl leaps from the couch and clutches Pigeon by his t-shirt collar, pinning him to the wall, as Steve shakes in his tennis shoes.]



Pigeon: Dude, seriously, try mouthwash.

Axl: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?! ARE YOU MOCKNG ME?! Do you understand that I brought you up from being a jobber to a… well, not exactly a main eventer… or even really a mid-carder… BUT ATLEAST YOU’RE NOT MICHELLE’S BITCH!!!

Pigeon: Yeah, now YOU get that privilege!!!

Axl: WHAT?! I am NOT Michelle’s, nor anyone ELSE’S, bitch! When I dropped Rose like a bad habit, I broke off onto my own! Michelle and I are equals! 50/50!!! Isn’t that right, honey!


Michelle: You mean 20/80, sweetie. You’re forgetting I’M the one with the real power around here.

Axl: … 40/60?

Michelle: 20/80.

Axl: … 30/70?

Michelle: 20/80.

Axl: 25/75, FINAL offer.

Michelle: 20/80.

Axl: [turns back to Pigeon] So, as I was saying, me and Michelle are 20/80 partners. EQUALS!!! … More or less.

Michelle: I’m more, you’re less…

Axl: But you, Pigeon? Or anyone ELSE that isn’t named Michelle, Viruz, Kurt or Garth? Well, the Truth is, noone else is on the same level as the Hierarchy. That’s why we’re CALLED the Hierarchy. Because in this business, there’s a certain order one must follow. There’s the jobbers… there’s the mid-carders… there’s the main-eventers… and then? Then, there’s the people like me and Michelle, that look down on eeeeveryone else, and LAUGH, because while they toil… while they pick fights with eachother and scrape and claw and bruise just to reach the heights of mediocrity, WE’RE on an entirely different plane of existence. We’re the shit.

Axl: Everyone else? They’re just… plain… SHIT.

Pigeon: Your breath SMELLS like shit…

Axl: PIGEON! That’s the last word I’ll hear out of you! Quoth Axl… Nothing more! While the OLD Axl just stood by and let people talk down to him, the NEW Axl will be DAMNED if some no-talent, piss-ant, waste of flesh spouts off at the mouth when what he SHOULD be doing is praising me… WORSHIPPING the ground I walk on!

Pigeon: The hell are you goin’ on about?

Axl: Oh? You think I haven’t been watching the replays on G5? Pigeon, you’re PATHETIC. And not to mention rather stupid.

Pigeon: Hey, just because I live in a small cage attached to the basement ceiling doesn’t mean I’m STUPID! I have to avoid the cats SOMEHOW!!!

Axl: … As I was saying, I have concrete evidence that proves you haven’t been calling Hierarchy matches the APPROVED Hierarchy method! I’ve put together an audio recording of your commentary at UnFOURgiven. Michelle, could you load the tape and press play, please?

[Michelle pulls out a cassette tape, and places it in a stereo, before hitting the ‘play’ button.]

Pigeon: hello gentlemen. it’s your honor to have me, i’m sure.

Styles: Pigeon?

Pigeon: that’s right, mikey styles. the boss is here.

SW: Who, Seth Harker?

Pigeon: no. me! pigeon! you know the deal. since trey vincent wouldn’t allow wes rivers or that other guy out here to do commentary, i’m out here to give heel support to the Hierarchy.

Pigeon: So… what’s the problem?

Axl: It’s just started, fucktard! And besides, referring to yourself as the BOSS?! You’ve ALREADY crossed the line of no return!

SW: Hey, Pigeon, how do you feel about this whole Axl-Michelle thing?

Pigeon: how do i feel about michelle being with Axl? it feels like i just puked my guts out, then somebody sucked up the vomit up into a bag, shoved a tube up my ass, gave me a vomit enema, then hung my legs over my head bugs bunny style until I shot diarrhea vomit straight up in a bloody brown stream that rained down all over my face. that’s how it felt, smegma.

SW: Yeah. That’s how I feel whenever I have to sit through an Axl promo.

[The crowd boos as “Under the Knife” by AC/DC hits. Though I have no idea how this is possible, or has been possible for the last few years, as there seems to be no record of this song existing.]

Styles: And this one’s already under way before Thrilla can even get his introduction. Ken and Mano jumped Harker and are pounding him on the outside.

SW: Yeah. They’re pounding him like the way no doubt Axl is pounding Michelle every night. No disrespect, Pigeon.

Pigeon: she must have an oversized clit. because we all know an oversized clit is one step away from a guy with an undersized chode. so sayeth randall mooby. whatever happened to him?

SW: He got fired.

Pigeon: What, you’re saying she DOESN’T have an oversized clit?

Axl: Well…

Michelle: AXL!!!

Styles: Mano trying to sneak up the other side, but Thrilla jerks him off!

SW: BWAHAHAHA! And I thought Axl was the fag in this match.

Pigeon: scotty, let me borrow a vicodin. you’re obviously feeling no pain tonight.

SW: only if you let me bang whatever rat you take to your room tonight.

Pigeon: no.

SW: Can I at least watch?

Pigeon: *sigh* fine. but keep your pants on this time.

SW: No promises!

Pigeon: Now what’s the problem?

Axl: You disgust me!

Pigeon: Hey, what’s the matter with putting on a little show?

Axl: Not THAT. The fact that you have sex with RATS!

Pigeon: … And you call ME stupid?

SW: Yeah! I hope Roydz is crippled now! I’m pretty sure I could take him in a wheelchair race.

Pigeon: i highly doubt it, scotty. ken couldn’t get the full impact because he’s such a tiny little man and Roydz is a monster. physically, of course, not in the genitalia region. and i swear my wording wasn’t yet another excuse to mention that i have a giant horsecock. even though i do.

Styles: All right, that’s enough of that, Pigeon.

Axl: You weren’t out there to talk about your package! You were OUT there to shill ME. And besides, speaking of me, EVERYONE knows I’m the one with the biggest junk in the Hierarchy!

Michelle: I dunno, I’ve seen Viruz in the shower…

Axl: … You were in the men’s lockeroom shower? … Why?

Michelle: No, not the lockeroom shower. The shower here at the Residence. … I was, uhm… I walked in to use the bathroom, and… He had the curtain open.

Axl: …

Pigeon: Heheh, sure. Looks like your bro’s sharing more than a gene pool with ya, Axl.


Pigeon: if I wasn’t injured I’d beat my back pay out of him right now. Vicodin me.

SW: These don’t grow on trees, Pigeon. Though I sure wish they did!

Pigeon: i know a corrupt doctor with prescription slips. i’ll hook you up later.

SW: Sweet!

Pigeon: Now come on, you can’t POSSIBLY have a problem with THAT!

Axl: I just can’t stand a supposedly “loyal” member of this family chatting away with the ENEMY!

Pigeon: You mean Scotty? Wait… you’re STILL pissed off at him for making fun of you? Isn’t that a bit childish? Wasn’t putting him in a wheelchair enough?

Axl: He still hasn’t learned his lesson! He must suffer for his indiscretions! The travesty that is his commentary career shall be paid in full with the shedding of his blood!

Pigeon: Jesus, when you hold a grudge, you don’t mess around…

[In fast-mo, Harker does the whirly-bird, cracking the ladder into everyone’s head (in order: Ken, Roydz, Mano, Thrilla, then finally Axl). After nailing everyone, Harker collapses to his knees in slow-motion, lifts the ladder off himself, and throws it to the mat before collapsing on it, exhausted! Back to regular speed.]


Pigeon: now that was cool…

Pigeon: … Seriously, what was wrong with that?

Axl: How DARE you praise the work of those outside the Hierarchy! Especially when called upon to praise ME! ME, ME, ME! Do you not understand me when I say ME!?!

Pigeon: I understand you need a tic-tac…

Axl: ARGH!

Pigeon: say, scotty. Would you rather fuck anorexic looking angelina jolie or pregnant angelina jolie?

SW: Doesn’t matter to me, as long as I would be fucking Angelina Jolie. Then I could rub that fact in my arch-nemesis’s face, yes, I mean Brad Pitt, for the rest of his pathetic life. Hell, I could give her quadruplets, Brad. Your sperm are fags!

Pigeon: i actually prefer pregnant angelina. but hell, my dick’s so long, i’d probably get arrested for having sex with a fetus. wait, is that a crime? or do they have to be popped out of the womb before it’s illegal?

Styles: All right, Pigeon!

SW: Bwahaha! You are insane, Pigeon. You should really leave the Hierarchy and become the third commentator on iMPLOSION and these On-Demands!

Pigeon: if they pay me, i’ll do whatever management wants, i’m a money whore i admit it. but they only paid me enough to do this one match. so that’s all you get tonight. speaking of whoring and george carlin, he did make one great point. if fucking is legal and selling is legal, why is selling fucking illegal?

SW: I don’t know, Pigeon. I just don’t know.

Axl: And how DARE you even CONTEMPLATE becoming a commentator!

Pigeon: … But… I wasn’t? I just said I’ll do anything for money… And I also promoted the legalization of prostitution. I think.


Pigeon: … Huh?

Styles: Ken just went straight into the turnbuckle as the ladder fell over.

SW: Must. Not. Do. Owen. Joke…

Pigeon: you’re terrible, scotty. i like it.

Styles: Thrilla just charged at Roydz, but Thrilla got backdropped to the floor! Mano now setting up a large ladder. Oh, what is he doing?

SW: I think Mano’s confused. This isn’t his construction job. You’re supposed to climb the ladder, not build an extension off of it.

Styles: That second ladder is now horizontal to the mat, as you can plainly see fans. I don’t know what Mano has in mind, but I’m sure somebody’s going to get hurt by this. Axl’s back up now. Axl and Mano are brawling on top of that horizontal ladder. Oh no! They both lost their balance and both just got crotched!

Pigeon: hehehehe. *Ahem*

SW: Did you just laugh?

Pigeon: of course not! why would i ever laugh at somebody who’s banging my ex-girlfriend when he just got dropped on his testicles?

Styles: Enter: Harker. Oh no. Axl is now laid out on top of Mano.

SW: Two man sandwiches in one match? Axl’s gotta be loving this match!

Pigeon: by that logic, he’s gonna love it more when he gets sandwiched by Harker and Mano in a minute.

Axl: And now, worst of all, you’re LAUGHING AT ME?! [shoves Pigeon hard into the wall, bringing his face to that of Pigeon’s] YOU BASTARD!

Pigeon: I… I… I… th-th-think… you should try some Colgate.


Pigeon: are we even going to have any other matches tonight?

Styles: I’d assume so.

Axl: And WHAT would be so wrong with my spectacular prescence being felt throughout the night? Just imagine… three full hours of Total Non-Stop Axl!!!

Pigeon: Yeahhh… that may very well be the most boring idea I’ve ever heard.

Michelle: No… I’d say that award goes to the time I agreed to listen to you recite every poem out of ‘The Big BoB Book of Poetry’. XXXTreme’s prose was especially awefultastic…

Styles: Thrilla’s trying to climb that ladder that’s all bent to hell. Axl’s up and shoves Thrilla off onto the top rope throat first. Thrilla with a desperation move sends Axl to the floor. Now Thrilla and Axl brawling out here near us!

SW: I’m so glad Michelle didn’t stick around to see this.

Pigeon: i’m sure she’s happily occupied with one of the boys in the back on her knees in a bathroom stall to kill the time.

Michelle: Oh, I think this fucker should be tossed out for that alone!

Pigeon: Don’t worry, if something needs tossing, just call Axl. I hear he’s especially good with salad…


KF: Ladies and gentlemen, here is the winner of the Beer in the Belly Ladder Match, which guarantees him a shot at the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS at some point during the next 365 days, Axl!

SW: He shouldn’t have even been in this match! He’s already been the OWCTM!

Pigeon: you can thank michelle for that, among other things.


SW: Yes! Thrilla is my new hero!

Styles: Thrilla just KO’ed Axl with a chairshot! Axl wasn’t ready for that! Thrilla’s got the beer? Thrilla’s stealing the beer!

SW: Yes! Brilliant!

Pigeon: i’d so stop him if my leg and head weren’t in such pain. damn you thrilla!

Styles: What a wild start to UnFOURgiven fans! Axl is your winner, but Thrilla’s leaving with the beer. What does it all mean?

SW: Probably a match at the next BOB-On-Demand?

[Michelle stops the tape, and Axl’s face meets with that of Pigeon… his eyes glowing brighter and hotter than the very center of the Earth itself. Axl breathes heavily, and speaks…]

Axl: Pigeon… I trusted you… and I trusted this muscled-up goon Steve, I trusted the BOTH of you to protect the Beer in the Belly Six-Pack for ME. Pigeon, you used an “injury” as an excuse not to get off your lazy, worthless ass. An injury that we both know was just a ruse to shock the fans when they later saw you come out and interfere in the ‘Enter the Vortex’ match.

Pigeon: I still can’t quite figure out the POINT of that ruse…


Pigeon: …

Axl: You still refused to assist in bringing the six-pack back home… where it belongs. [Axl turns to Steve, still grabbing Pigeon by the collar…] And YOU. You were IN THE DAMN MATCH, you lunk headed oaf!!! You could have easily destroyed that beartrap-mouthed beatnik and grabbed the six-pack! But you wanna know why you didn’t? It’s because earlier in the match, you tried to grab the six-pack for YOURSELF! You both made THE single most grievous error that a member of the Hierarchy can make. [Axl turns back to Pigeon] … you put yourself before the King. While Steve went into business for himself in the ladder match, you Pigeon? You worried more about a supposed “injury” to your own fragile little frame than the ultimate good… the salvation of the gold.

Axl: As you know, there are two open slots at ‘Power is Stolen‘, for two members of the Hierarchy to take on Great and Trable for the tag title #1 contendership. Now… before all of this occured, I would have been kind. I would have been generous. When the two of you were in my good graces, you would have been handed over the opportunity on a silver platter. But now?

[Axl suddenly tosses Pigeon from the wall, through the air, and colliding into Steve, as the two topple to the floor. Axl then reaches off camera and pulls on a lever… which releases a trap door beneath the heap of Pigeon and Roydz. The two of them plummet… and plummet… and continue to plummet, until a loud *thud* is heard…]

Axl: Now? You’re going to have… “prove your worth”, so to speak.

Michelle: Huh… Never noticed that trap door till now… or that lever…

Stereo: Plot Hole #903,934 of One Million found!

Axl: Thought you turned that thing off?

Michelle: *shrugs shoulders*

Axl: [Axl turns to the pit… hmm, this appears familiar…] Boys… you’ve just entered your very first ‘Inescapable Pit of No Escape Match’! Win? And you get to face Great and Trable! Lose? … Well, I don’t think you wanna know…

Steve: GRRR!!! This makes me so mad, I could just… I could just… GRRR!!!

Pigeon: …

Axl: Allow me to introduce you to your opponent…

Garth Maul

Steve Roydz

Steve: … Shit. … GRRR!!!

[Garth Maul quickly uses one end of his double-edged lightsaber to slice Steve’s head off, before sticking the other end through his chest and sending his body soaring… and landing in a heap of dead sWo members…]

Garth Maul: Well, it’s a living.

Axl: Wait a minute… [looking down at the pit] … I see Roydz parts, but no Pigeon parts? [looks to Michelle] What gives?

Michelle: Hmm… it must be a case of JBL-Cena-Parking-Lot-itus.

Axl: … Whoozit-Huzzit-Whatzit?

Michelle: See, whenever someone meets with what appears to be CERTAIN-DOOM~!!!1tm, they… well, they vanish. And then later, they reappear without a scratch. Usually, just in time for a big pay-per-view Parking Lot Brawl match.

Axl: Wow… Imagine that. … I’m hungry.

Michelle: I’ll go pick up a couple of burgers at Lardd Hutt. Whaddya want on yours?

Axl: Mmm… How about mayonaise, sardines, gummi bears, and ragu?

Michelle: … How about ketchup?

Axl: That’ll work too. Hey, I’m gonna go speak with Viruz. I have something I need to ask him.

Michelle: Cool. See you in a bit, hun.

Axl: Bye bye, sweetie.

[Axl and Michelle share a sloppy kiss… Axl slaps Michelle on the ass as she walks off. Michelle turns and winks, as Axl smiles devilishly. Axl walks toward the door of Vi’s room… he knocks.]

Vi: [from inside] Come on in…

[Axl opens the door slightly, and looks in…]

Axl: Hey bro… I’ve got an idea, and I think you’re gonna like it.

[Axl steps inside, and shuts the door behind… as “Twisted Transistor” plays into blackness.]




C:// _

C:// Enter … FireScape Explorer.

C:// Enter … Hierarchy MailBox…

C:// Compose.

Dear Kurt,

I’d just like to welcome you to the Hierarchy. With the deadweight now cut loose, we have a group consisting of the absolute greatest talent in the business. But not JUST a group, or a stable, or a faction…

But a family.

Axl is like the brave, noble, strong-willed, and determined father.
Michelle… the courageous, loving, nurturing, and altogether wholesome mother.
Garth is like the wise grandfather, who we can always lean on…

And I am like… Well, like the family pet. Or maybe a cousin or something. Even though I’m Axl’s brother. But that’s neither here nor there…

I just can’t tell you how much I appreciate your entrance into this family. You’re without a shadow of a doubt BoB’s greatest icon, and to have your support… well, no mere words can describe the emotions running through Axl and I when we knew YOU were on OUR side. With you backing us, noone will manage to stand in our way.

But, seeing as words cannot do our gratitude justice, we’ve decided to invite you over for dinner at the Residence of Evil, here in Sinister City. You see, Axl and I have come to an agreement concerning who should challenge Great and Trable at PiS… and we want you to be here to discuss matters concerning the On-Demand.

We look forward to your prescence here…

– Vi

p.s. – Have you ever considered changing your look? Because I’ve drawn something of a possibility for you… When you arrive, I’d like your opinion… You may be interested…

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