BOB eWrestling | Rant Zone Archive!

[Mike Monroe is backstage at Power Is Stolen, surrounded by novelty Santa Claus candles to make up for the lack of power. Steel Chair has a towel around it's backrest.]

MM: Steel Chair, do you have any words for us after your attack on Kobe Gyant after his victory over Blackman White?

Steel Chair: …

MM: Would I be accurate if I made the conjuncture that as a fellow newcomer to BOB you tried to make an impact by going after the most powerful debuter? Since you’re just a steel chair you must have to use mind games to try and get the upper hand over more talented wrestlers than yourself.

[There is a gust of wind. The candles go out and the locker room is plunged into darkness. There is a loud crack. It takes about five minutes for Clive to light the candles again. Steel Chair is covered in Mike Monroe's blood, who is out cold on the floor. Has Steel Chair turned heel?!]

Steel Chair: …

Steel Chair rant e-fed, ewrestling, Kobe Gyant, Mike Monroe, parody, Steel Chair, wrestling

Kobe Gyant is seen in front of a television that is looping Axl’s “Three Points” promo. Kobe, naturally, is asleep. On his chest is a piece of paper with a few simple words:

Axl = Basketball

Kobe = The Net

“Three Points” = Air Ball

Go back to the minor minors, son!

Kobe Gyant rant Axl, e-fed, e-wrestling, Kobe Gyant, parody, wrestling

[We open to Sinister Stadium, the local arena in Sinister City, Utah. The Sinister City SugarMamas are delievering a rapid-fire ass-kicking to the Dungsville DoodieDaddies in what has turned out to be the basketball equivolant to a sports entertainment squash match. Number 69, Michael Jordasche is leading the pack of SugarMamas in a raping [and stabbing] of the poor, hopeless DoodieDaddies, with a phenomenal score of 7,545 to the Dungsville team’s 13.]

[The fans are packed into the building, cheering their heads off and spilling their drinks for the hometown team. Sinister City calls for a time out, and Sinister City coach Pat McFluffelumpagous calls his team into a circle...]

Pat: Men, we have these chumps BEAT. So, I have an idea. We’re gonna play around with their sorry asses!

Michael Jordasche: Ewww! I ain’t playin’ ’round wit’ no homedog’s ASS!

Pat: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!

Jordasche: Sorry coach.

Pat: We’ve got two celebrity audience members in the crowd tonight, and we’re gonna have them substitute for LowBlowski and EyeGougison.

LowBlowski: But coach!

Pat: No buts, LowBlowski! Mama always said, when you have your opponent cut open and bleedin’ from the wound? Ya pour some gat dam salt in that sumbitch! And these two knuckleheads are gonna help us make those shitstains choke on their own vomit! These two guys are so bad, that when that other team of piss ants loses to ‘em, why, they’ll probably go back to their bumfuck hometown ah Dungsville and slit their own throats!

EyeGougison: Hell yeah! Suicide RULES!!!

Pat: Settle down, settle down. [yelling off screen] Ok boys, you got yer jerseys on, come on over here and win this one for the team! [turns back to his team] Don’t worry fellas, we’re so far ahead, that even if they get their asses handed to ‘em and those loser Dungsvillians score a point or two, we’ll STILL wipe the floor with ‘em.

Jordasche: You’re… SURE about this, coach?

Pat: Jordasche, you may be a one man basketball team, but you question my brilliant strateger-izing just ONE more time, and you know that shnazzy little scholarship to Royal Pain University I agreed to sign off on?

Jordasche: You wouldn’t!

Pat: You’re damn straight I would! I’ll renig on signing it, and have you headed to Scumbucket Falls Community College so fast you’ll be spinnin’ around in your size twenty-nine shoes! [turns to look back off screen] HURRY UP!

[After a few seconds, two men step onto the scene wearing the customary hot pink and lime green of the SugarMamas. Those two men? Steve Roydz, and Pigeon. And I thought the coach referred to these guys as celebs...]

Pat: Gentlemen, allow me to introduce you to the team. Team, you probably know these guys from G5TV’s wrestlin’ program, Brawlers on a Budget presents Total Non-Action Wrestlin’ : iMPLOSION!

Jordasche: …

EyeGougison: Uh…

LowBlowski: What’s G5TV? Is that like the Playboy channel?

Pat: ARGH. You sweathogs don’t know crap! This here’s Steve Roydz, one of the best old school high school football players in the game! Back when good honest American boys were able to use performance enhancin’ drugs without the government breathin’ down their necks! Back when I was blazin’ the basketball court, the football field, and every other form of sports-related playing area, tryin’ tah make a future for young punks like you, Eyegougison, and you, Lowblowski! Me and Roydz here, why, we’re the kinda men punks like you gaggle ah disrespectful kids oughta be lookin’ up to and admirin’!

Jordasche: So, uh… who’s that Pigeon guy?

[Pigeon walks around, flapping his arms like a... well, like a pigeon.]

Pat: Uhm… I think he may be one ah dem special needs fellas… HEY! Stop peckin’ at me!

Pigeon: Whoops, sorry. Thought you were birdseed.

Pat: …

Pigeon: Quoth the Pigeon – EVERQUEST!

Pat: … Alright men, go out there and make me look good! I mean, proud!

[And so, the SugarMamas headed back on court, along with "celebrity" substitutes Steve and Pigeon. But, as they walked toward the center of the court, they noticed someone leading the DoodieDaddies' charge...]

Announcer: Now substituting for Dungsville player #555, he is a former teammate of one of the most famous and well-payed players in the history of team basketball. While his former teammate has been on the outs with the sport, and has since began a career in professional amateur fake-ass e-sports entertainment wrestling, this young man is sticking to the sport that made him semi-quasi-famous. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together and give a warm round of applause for the one and only… Shaq… BLAQ!!!

Steve Roydz: GRRR! Dammit! This makes me so mad, I wanna… I wanna… GRRR! That damn Blaq guy used to be second best, next tah Kobe Gyant! Now he’s FIRST in the rankings! He’s gonna… He’s gonna… GRRRRR!!!!~!

Pigeon: Quoth the Pigeon – We’re toast.

Michael Jordasche: Butt-ered TOAST.

EyeGougison: I do say dear LowBlowski, they’re sending this oaf Jordasche in our ’stead to the University of Royal Pain? I declare!

LowBlowski: And to have such a buffoonish nitwit take OUR place on the team WE helped establish! Why, the very idea!

EyeGougison: It’s propostrous! In fact… I suggest we lend a bit of a hand to that ol’ chap Blaq, agreed comrade?

LowBlowski: AGREED! Old chum, I’ve got JUST the idea!

EyeGougison: Indeed!

- 20 minutes later -

[The game has 30 seconds left on the clock... The addition of Shaq has led the DoodieDaddies to a score of 7,997 to the SugarMamas' 7,999. Thanks to Pigeon and Roydz' clumsiness, all but four of the players in the game have suffered career ending injuries [Hey, when I say 'clumsy', I'm not kidding...]. On one side of the court, Jordasche stands with “celebrity” teammates Pigeon and Roydz, who’ve not only nearly killed everyone on the court, but whose combined incompetence has inadvertently aided in the efforts of the only man left standing on the Dungsville team, the one, the only Shaq Blaq. Shaq stands, ball in hand, facing the hoop, as Mike and his stand-in partners guard the net. Suddenly – ]

Voice from audience: GET’cha bird seed hee-yah! Fresh, hot bird seed!

Pigeon: BIRD SEED?! WHERE?!

Voice: Here, ya mook! Up in the audience! AWAY from the court!

Pigeon: That bird seed’s mine!

[Pigeon takes off in a mad dash to grab the seed... leaving Jordasche to only be guarded by Steve.]

Steve: Don’t you worry, Mikey. I’m still here to keep that Blaq bastard from scoring the 3 pointer!

Jordasche: Uh… wow, yeah, that really makes me feel confident. Dammit, if I lose this game for the team, I may as well kiss that scholarship goodbye… I’ve got to think of SOMETHING!

Voice from audience #2: GET’cha steroids! Five for a nickel! With a price like that, you KNOW they’re illegal!

Steve: !!!

Jordasche: Ugggh…

Steve: Can I? Huh, huh? Can I? Can I Mike, oh PLEASE say yes!

Jordasche: Oh son-of-a, GO AHEAD! Seriously, it’s not like you were gonna be of much help to me anyway…

Steve: Oh THANK YOU!

[Steve runs off into the crowd, looking for the steroid vendor, but as our camera carries toward the location of the voice... we find both Pigeon and Steve unconcious, at the hands of LowBlowski and EyeGougison, and a couple of well aimed strikes from baseball bats.]

LowBlowski: Hmm… though basketball isn’t quite our forte’, mayhaps we’d be better suited for baseball?

EyeGougeison: No, no, dear boy, I’m not one for tobacco.

LowBlowski: And…?

EyeGougison: AND, chewing tobacco and the scratching of one’s crotch is most certainly a requirement in baseball.

LowBlowski: … Shit.

EyeGougison: WHY I NEVER! Such language!

LowBlowski: Pardon me, friend of mine!

EyeGougison: Well… watch your fuckin’ mouth next time… goddamit.

[And so, with five seconds to spare, Shaq layed it up... and sunk it for the very first time in his illustrious career. Because in Sinister City, ANYTHING is possible... even a career free-throw choke artist landing a three-pointer. Jordasche pounds his fists to the ground, weeping considerably, as the fans pour trash down upon their former hero. Blaq walks toward the distraught hometown boy, and shakes his head in pity.]

Shaq: What a damn shame… Mike, sorry about the whole, 7,999 to 8,000, beat ya by one point, all thanks to those two loser “celebrity” stand ins killing all your team mates and deserting you in the last couple ah seconds… thing.

Mike: WHYYY!!!

Shaq: Well, if it’s any consolation, I just got through talkin’ to your coach. He said he’s giving me a scholarship to Royal Pain University! He said he WAS going to give it some other loser, but the guy choked in a basketball game, and fucked up his entire future. Huh. Wonder who he coulda been talkin’ about. Anyway, I’m goin’ tah college! And I’m only 14 years old! Could life GET any sweeter?! Whoo-hoo!!!

Mike: OH GOD, NO!!! *cries*

[The camera switches to the Residence of Evil, where Axl is sitting on the couch, viewing the game on ESPN 29 and a half.]

Axl: DAMMIT!!! I bet two whole dollars on that game!

Michelle: Ha ha, pay up!

[Axl hands Michelle two dollars.]

Michelle: Sucker.

Axl: Damn! Those… those… THAT’S THE LAST STRAW!!! I’ve had enough of their contant failures! It’s time to cut the apron strings… It’s time to make the Hierarchy a stable of power… importance… and EVIL!!! It’s time to-

Michelle: Pass the corn chips?

Axl: – pass the corn chips.

[Axl and Michelle continue snacking away, as they turn the channel to Law and Order...]

|doink-doink|

Axl rant Axl, e-fed, e-wrestling, Kobe Gyant, parody, Pigeon, Steve Roydz, wrestling

Mike “The Monotone” Monroe was seated beside BOB’s newest (and highest paid!) mega-star, Kobe Gyant, in a dark studio. This must be a super special “shoot” interview! Let’s see!

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Mike, like somebody else, I asked John FIVE times to apologize to some of the BOB roster for me, you know…but he let me know that he was a real person, and I’m not, and thus, an apology wouldn’t make much sense. Then he said that he was like God, since he creates people in his image, or something. Between you and me, I think he’s a lot insane. I didn’t get it. despite my 5.0 GPA average, you know…

<--Mike Monroe-->

5.0?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

So, this is an apology to the Great, Pete Trable, and, uh…the Wendy’s guy, Dave.

<--Mike Monroe-->

Dave?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Yeah, Dave Thomas. You see, when I was younger, one of my 50 jobs was working at a Wendy’s. And I used to use the deep fryer as a urinal, because they never fixed the urinal. But I had to support my parents, who both were on dialysis and cancer kazoos. My urine is flavorful though, you know…

Anyway, The Great, I’m sorry that one day, the world is going to find out who you really are. A fake. You think you’re great? Son, I’m so great that I’m an honorary member of the Grateful Dead. I won an award for the Greatest Great Guy. In my high school yearbook, I was voted Most Likely To Be Great. Which means there can’t be TWO greats. So we’ll have to change your name to The Second Greatest. And when it comes to not being great when compared to Kobe Gyant, you’re just the latest, you know…I really hope you can forgive me some day for overshadowing you, like Big Blaq Shaq in high school. He asked to be traded to a different high school, he was so pissed at being Second Greatest.

As for you, Trable. I hope you’ll be upset with the way mistreat you. Wigga, please. I make Pete Trable look bad just by existing. Of course, I make about 6 billion losers on this planet look bad, Trable, you’re just the latest, after the Second Greatest. I know you own about 20 throwback Kobe jerseys. Thanks for the money, dogg, I need to feed my chillens.

Now, as far as UnFOURgiven goes, I need to apologize to all the fans that I arrived too late to save the show from mediocrity. But at Power Is Stolen, Kobe will deliver championship gold for all his BOB fans.

Oh, and an apology in advance to Stephen Hawking. Once BOB books the dream match of the year, it’s gonna be real simple, Hawking. What has four wheels and flies? A dead cripple in a wheelchair. You’re gonna be that corpse.

Kobe begins snacking on a green tree leaf for some reason.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

I’ve been e-fedding for 18 years, son. I was out-RPing people since I was in the womb. I came out of my mom, grabbed the keyboard and mouse off her desk, then went back inside. There’s an old Apple keyboard on my sonogram, you know…

Kobe holds up the sonogram to the camera. Mike stares at it in disbelief.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

I won’t soon be retiring, though, BOB fans, don’t worry. I doubt I’ll end my career here, though, ’cause BOB can only afford Kobe for so long before he needs a GYANT raise. And when I leave, y’all will hate me. I’m here to make enemies and ruin your lives as you realize you can’t beat Kobe Gyant.

Damn, this leaf is tasty. Give me another new one, Mike.

Mike does. Off-screen, there is a roar. The camera pans to the right to reveal a grizzly bear! Kobe grabs his steel folding chair and charges at the bear! BEAR-SHOT! Grizzly goes down.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Just another day in the life, you know. Bears are a national menace, you know. Colbert says so. Don’t interrupt my new leaf eating, Yogi! Anyway, sorry everyone in BOB for being the biggest, the best, and better than the rest. You’ve got a future of losing matches though as long as I’m here. You play checkers, I play chess, checkers, spades, poker, and Twister at the same time, and still beat everyone.

Hyphen Kobe!

<--Mike Monroe-->

Hyphen Kobe?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

It’s a parody, Mike, you know…

Kobe Gyant rant Axl, e-fed, Kobe Gyant, parody, The Great, wrestling, XFactor Pete Trable

Let there be….KOBE! Yes, just as God a few billion years let there be light, the future of this business arrived for this Rant. Some odd looking guy was standing next to him. Kobe towered over him. All 7 feet and 3 inches. And what could be scarier for a white dude than a really tall black guy who can kick your butt? Maybe just the “freestyling” ability of one Blackman White…

<--Kobe Gyant-->

So, using my superior intellect, I assume that you are The BOB’s interviewer.

<--Mike Monroe-->

Hi! I’m MIke Monroe! BOB’s “interviewing guy.” Thanks for inviting me to interview you. I really need the cash.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

You need cash? I have 20,000 babies to support. And probably about 20 more on the way.

<--Mike Monroe-->

So, what’s up with the grill, Kobe?

The camera pans back to reveal that Kobe Gyant is cooking what looks like chicken on a small grill.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Mike, I’ve got mad grills. And grill rhymes with skill. And I’m hoping to pay the bills. Trying not to get ill. ‘Cause I can’t get no pills. No health care thanks to Hill. You know that old chick married to Bill? My dad used to work in a mill. Til he caused a spill and we went on the run to Brazil until our dream was fulfilled. Think I tell my tale to Dr. Phil?

<--Mike Monroe-->

Maybe?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Dr. Phil would get record ratings. 300 million viewers, son. All to see Kobe!

<--Kobe Gyant's former teammates-->

What? Uh! What? Uh!

<--Mike Monroe-->

So what’s on the menu? Chicken?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Right. With a side of watermelon. Where’s your white sheet, Mike? Mike Monotone Monroe? MMM? That’s just two letters away from KKK.

<--Mike Monroe-->

No, no, no! I didn’t mean–

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Swoosh! That means I’m just playing, Mike. Actually, it’s cat.

<--Mike Monroe-->

Cat?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

That white man said he loved cats. I just want to see what all the fuss is about. Though, apparently, it causes farts. Mike, my farts are loud and deadly. I once killed a nun with my gas. From my ass during a biology class. Fell through some glass and landed face down in the grass. Spoke at the Mass, you know…

<--Kobe Gyant's former teammates-->

What? Uh! What? Uh!

<--Mike Monroe-->

What’s their deal?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Former DMX backup singers. So, I heard I’m facing Blackman White at The BOB’s next show. Ask me if I think I’m going to win.

<--Mike Monroe-->

Do you think you’re going to win?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Just like Magic Johnson, I’m HIV Positive I’m going to win!

Mike stares at Kobe in disbelief at what he just heard.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Listen to that cat sizzle. I think it just needs a whisker of black pepper. White, you think you can brawl on a budget? Shoot, I can outbrawl you for free and give you change back! And I would if I didn’t need the money so bad. And I eat a fudge bucket, too. For breakfast every day. A metal bucket filled with fudge. I bet you just eat the fudge inside. I eat metal and crap steel beams which I then sell to local construction companies, you know…

And Tyler the freestyler? You think he hates you? He once burned a cross, a fish, a star of David, a menorah, and a pentagram on my lawn, you know….End of Rant. OK, Mike, I’m used to basketball. So tell me how this was.

<--Mike Monroe-->

It didn’t suck donkey balls…

Kobe Gyant rant Blackman White, e-fed, e-wrestling, Kobe Gyant, parody, wrestling

The camera opens up on a large room. It’s the biggest room you’ve ever seen. It’s so big it’s in the Guiness Book of World Room Size Records. And it’s poorly lit because the owner of the room is 10,000% committed to fighting global warming. As well as all forms of cancer and AIDS and mad cow disease and world hunger. The only light comes from an energy efficient lamp in the corner. It’s so energy efficient that the power company pays him just for running it. on the far wall are tons of trophies. Thousands of trophies. The wall actually is eternal there are so many trophies and frames and article clippings.

The camera zooms in one one of the pictures that shows a man in a basketball uniform, his arms raised, one hand clutching a basketball. The name Kobe Gyant is scribbled across the picture like an autograph. Suddenly, the room is flooded with light, like if Hurricane Katrina were a lightbulb, it would be 20 times brighter. Camera pans around, passing a giant desk with an office chair that looks way more comfortable than even heaven could hope to be, then over to the doorway, the source of the light that no doubt has left you blinder than Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder combined. In the doorway is a tall, dark figure.

The door closes, and all of America rejoices as this dark figure takes a seat in front of the camera, which he patented by the way. The name? Kobe Gyant.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Welcome Brawlers On a Budget viewers to my palatial estate. This is a room I usually only let a select few lucky ladies visit before I let them ride my 20 inches of love. I only let myself into this room a couple hours ago to decorate for this big debut “Rant.” Sorry it’s not in better condition. But in that short amount of time, I’ve reached Nirvana, and hung out with Buddha, Jesus and some other cool cats somewhere in that great gig in the sky. They say Wilt Chamberlain slept with 20,000 women. I did that by last week, and I’m not even 18. Shoot, I’ll be having a fivesome right after this interview. The ladies can’t keep their hands off Kobe Gyant. Sadly, because sex education was outlawed in my state, I also have about 20,000 babies. I thought that spray ketchup and mustard on my stuff before sex was “prevention.” Turns out those are condiments, not condoms. Now, I know what you’re saying. How can someone with an IQ of 215 not know the difference between a condom and condiments. Well, let’s just say that public education in this country is odious.

Kobe picks up a frame off his desk. It’s a newspaper clipping with the headline: Gyant Rescues Midget, Sheep From Burning Orphanage. Subhead: Why Were There Sheep In Orphanage? You Won’t Baaa-lieve It!

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Ahh, memories. After I saved that poor orphan, I threw sheep up over his bed until he fell asleep. I couldn’t believe it took him four hours to fall asleep. Must have been all the thumping and crashing when the sheep landed. *Shrugs* Just another day in the life of Kobe Gyant. I’m a human, human interest story. I went on to score 49 points in the last minute of the championship game that night. Our team won 149 to 12. From the jaws of certain defeat, I delivered victory, along with my great teammate, Shaq Blaq. Poor Blaq, standing up there at the podium trying to take credit like a trooper, but he knew I was the real star that night. He only had 47 points. And yes, I know all too well the pain of being an orphan. I was orphaned five times. But I’m so loved that I had families killing each other just to adopt me.

Kobe shakes his head as if deep in thought while putting the picture back on the desk.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

There’s an entire wing named after me at my high school. I won the lottery and bought a wing. They made it in like three days. But then I had to give my baby mamas child support. And I’m also about $20 mil in debt thanks to an hour in Sin City. And did I mention I’m under indictment for points shaving? Which explains why I’m here today. The BOB, I’ve got some bills, son! My only fear in this life? Not being the best at everything I do. And now I can’t be the top basketball player in the universe anymore due to a lifetime ban from the sport, even at the YMCA! Like I always say, if you’re gonna get banned, get banned for life.

Kobe picks up a picture of Steve Studnuts holding the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. He tosses it aside.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

I’ve conquered basketball. I’ve conquered 20,000 women, soon to be 20,005 and counting. So, I might as well be the best wrestler I can be. Get ready, The BOB! Get ready, Steve Studnuts. Get ready The Great. Get ready Mr. Paradox. Get ready Dr. Silaconne M. Plants. You think you know what a champion is? You ain’t seen a champion yet. Someday you’ll have the honor of getting you butt kicked by Kobe Gyant. There’s been a lot of talk of me being a one-man show but that’s simply not the case. I’m a one-man team! I’ll win every title you’ve got, I’ll win every match you give me. They say I can’t win without Shaq. I guess we’ll see in The BOB. I’ll show them all.

So sign me up BigBoss or Trey Vincent or Seth Harker, whoever’s running this place. Oh wait, I already AM signed!

Kobe holds up a contract with the word “BOB” on top. Kobe quickly signs it.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Biggest contract in BOB history. I’ll be paying off my debts…on a weekly basis.

[END]

Kobe Gyant rant BigBOSS, Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, e-fed, Kobe Gyant, Mr. Paradox, parody, seth harker, Steve Studnuts, The Great, Trey Vincent, wrestling