Archive

Posts Tagged ‘Kobe Gyant’

March Mayhem 2009 Results!

April 15th, 2009
Comments Off on March Mayhem 2009 Results!

Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, Brawlers On a Budget‘s ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS, shocked the parody e-wrestling world on March 11 when (in an attempt to ‘prove’ himself as the greatest ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS of all time) he proclaimed that he would defend THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS in the original March Mayhem Tournament format.

SMP put up his title in a non-booked 65 man tournament based on the outcomes of NCAA tournament games. BOB wrestler fortunes were determined by the teams they were matched up with. For example, if one of BOB’s wrestlers got paired with the Kansas Jayhawks and Kansas won the National Championship, then that person would have become the new ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS.

It was unprecedented. It was crazy. Why would a champion do this? Why would a champion that could skate to Gluttons for Punishment 2 to face Kobe Gyant in a Steel Cage match risk losing his title beforehand and ruin a saucy main event?

Because, as SMP said at the time, “I’m the best. And Carolina should win this year.”

The NCAA “March Madness” tournament is always unpredictable. Now you can relive all the action as 65 men, women, and inanimate objects seek to become the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS in March Mayhem 2009!

news , , , ,

The Gyant Report: ThreatDown!

December 12th, 2008
Comments Off on The Gyant Report: ThreatDown!

Kobe Gyant

A giant logo fills the screen. It’s so big you can’t even read it all, unless by some fluke you have Kobe’s huge television, but that would be impossible because that would mean you ARE Kobe. But I digress… The words The Gyant Report are in gold over a purply background. Fade into Kobe Gyant, who is seated behind a non-descript desk as deafening cheers are heard, so deafening you’d think they were recorded at a football stadium, but no, Kobe is just a giant draw for random unpaid studio audiences. He is styling in a gray wool cap, gray suit jacket, gray scarf, and a beige vest over his #99 Los Santos basketball jersey. Because, you know, he’s a rookie indy wrestler and high school basketball legend, so he’s loaded and can afford fancy outfits, you know.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Welcome back to “The Gyant Report” everyone. I don’t want to scare you, but I have to. This is the ThreatDown!

A graphic pops up on the screen with a countdown screen and a siren blaring in the background. As we return to Kobe, a picture of American Panda is seen over his left shoulder.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Threat number 3: Bears! Specifically, American Panda, the BOB’s latest substar. When I first heard about American Panda, I thought, great. We’re finally sticking it to China by having some guy steal their culture while wrestling in a panda suit. But no. It’s an actual panda, people! On one episode of iMPLOSION, he ate Luke Warm. He’s been farting Texan for weeks, stinking up the whole locker room.

This godless killing machine wants to eat my jugular at MegaBrawl II. Now I understand there is a bamboo shortage, but still, I say no, sir. My blood may taste like the finest wine, but you will never get the pleasure of tasting Kobe Vintage 2008. Unless you somehow magically transform into a super hot vampiress with huge gazungas, I don’t neck with men. In conclusion, just like the Atlanta Zoo can no longer afford it’s panda cam, The BOB cannot afford to have American Panda main eventing for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS.

A picture of Kurt Angel now appears over Kobe’s left shoulder.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Threat number 2: Angels! No, I’m not talking about K-Rod going to the Mets. I’m talking about one specific Angel. The BOB’s Kurt Angel. Angels are supposed to be messengers of God, while this man appears to be a messenger of that dude from “Pineapple Express”. And trust me, Seth Rogan is not god. If he were, he would’ve gotten Elizabeth Banks to get butt naked in “Zack and Miri make a Porno.”

And Kurt, contrary to what old black and white movies will tell you, it’s not every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings. It’s every time a bell rings, an Angel gets defeated by Kobe Gyant, son! You ain’t gonna be the number one contender for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. And speaking of non-contenders…

A picture of The Great replaces Kurt’s picture over Kobe’s left shoulder.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Threat number one: The Great. Oh yes, Kobe Gyant has looked over your past Rants, The Great. This is a man who has done more doping than the entire Minnesota Vikings defensive line combined! And yet the people cheer this man? Well, The Great, they won’t be cheering you once they see you as the little man you are when compared to Kobe Gyant in the spotlight at the biggest show of them all, MegaBrawl II, son. You’re gonna go down harder than every Denver Broncos running back this year combined with every Spinal Tap drummer ever.

Kobe reaches under the desk.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

There’s more talent in one of my brand new Kobe V.V. (Kobe says Version Five, not two V’s) shoes, now available from shoe gyant Ekin, at stores nationwide that carry the awesome Ekin brand. The Great, you’re about to face an All Star and see first hand why you’re just a bench warmer. Kobe Gyant is gonna lay some voodoo down on you.

Now Kobe brings up a tennis racket from under his desk.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

I’ma sell this bad boy on eBay after it’s covered in blood from me bashing your head in with it, then I’ma sign it, and I’ll be rich, bitch! Just keep hangin’ with that dude who thinks he’s black. You about to feel some real black power. And that’s the wørd. Oh wait. Wrong rip-off. Peace! From the next ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS Kobe space Gyant period! Good night.

Cue closing credits.

Starring
Kobe Gyant

Written By
Kobe Gyant

Produced By
Kobe Gyant

©2008 Face/Heel Partners Unlimited

rant , , , , , , , ,

October Surprise: The Curse of Kobe Gyant

November 10th, 2008
Comments Off on October Surprise: The Curse of Kobe Gyant

Kobe Gyant

Fade to black. Just that creepy song. Whoops. The lens cap is on. Ah, there we go. Fade in on a shadowy figure walking toward a chair that’s set up across from a huge 150-inch plasma television screen showing “The Curse of Michael Myers”. Does that shadowy figure have…a knife? He’s definitely holding something in his hand. LOOK OUT KOBE!

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Damn, I hate this movie.

The figure raises the “weapon” quickly.

<--Mike "The Monotone" Monroe-->

Hi Kobe.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Mike? You tryin’ to give a brotha a heart attack? How did you get past the moat, the alligators, the dogs, the barbed wire fence, the land mines, the eye scanner, and those guys who were too crazy to work for Blackwater USA?

<--Mike "The Monotone" Monroe-->

I came around back.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Damn, forgot about the back. What you want, Mike?

<--Mike "The Monotone" Monroe-->

I was just wondering what your thoughts were after being victorious at October Surprise and being undefeated here in Brawlers on a Budget?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

How can a Gyant get any bigger? I don’t know but I’m a freak of nature. I’m so big after October Surprise that tomorrow I’ve got an audition for a TV commercial. So keep an eye out for Kobe Gyant starring as Snoop Doggy Dogg in “Mic Villain.” Na mean?

<--Mike "The Monotone" Monroe-->

“Mic Villian”?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

It’s like “Guitar Hero”, but you rap instead. They better not dress me up like Tom Cruise and have me dance around like an Axl or I’ll poke someone’s eye out, you know? This movie is stupid. If I was Michael Myers I’d be stabbing women with my penis, not a knife. What fun is that? If I was in Star Wars, I wouldn’t even NEED a light saber, son. I’d be Kobe Wan Nablowme.

<--Mike "The Monotone" Monroe-->

But enough about your genitalia. Were you trying to make a statement at October Surprise?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

About wantin’ to give Kay Fabe a Gyant orgasm? Nah, man. I’m down whenever she’s down. On her knees or her back or my face, whatever she wants to do. If Kay wants the best 24 hours of her life, all she has to do is come knocking. Then I’ll knock her til she comes and comes again.

<--Mike "The Monotone" Monroe-->

So, what’s next for Kobe Gyant?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Well, as everybody knows, I temporarily suspended my bid to become ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS. However, I’m restarting my campaign now that I’ve destroyed the 4 Steelchairs and Va-Jay-Jay Dillon in Snore Games and plan to take the next step at MegaBrawl II. But before we talk about that, you know, there was some other guy running around the Rant Zone, acting like he’s oppressed here in BOB and finding inspiration from Barack Obama, or B-Ob as I call him. Mike, is Axl black?

<--Mike "The Monotone" Monroe-->

Based on what Michelle’s told me, that would be a definite “no.”

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Well that’s just a case of the white devils stealing black culture once again. You can’t have Obama whitey. Some day Axl you’ll pay for your gay homo love of Obama. I got three words for Axl: No. You. Can’t. You’re already a hasbeen. You should be wrestling in the T&A division, son. Or at least the Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual Transgender Hardcore division I heard they might be starting. You think you’ve been held back? My people haven’t held the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS in 400 years, son!

<--Mike "The Monotone" Monroe-->

Actually douja was black and he won the OWTTM in 2001.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Aww, hell. Really? Shoot. Alright. Uhh. You think you’ve been held back? My people haven’t held the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS in like 7 years son! Being black is like being the Chicago Cubs every day of your life. Oh wait I guess you’d know what that’s like since you’re such a loser. Axl: the Detroit Lions of BOB.

Axl, Kobe Gyant is plasma. You’re one of those black and white analog TVs that’s gonna become a dinosaur on Feb 17 when stations go to digital. You’re a cassette tape, I’m a MP3, son. I’m a Mac.

<--Mike "The Monotone" Monroe-->

And I’m a PC.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Anyway…Axl, call me on your rotary phone when you be main eventin’. I’ll be sure to check my iPhone for your message. There are rumors about Kobe Gyant getting into a number one contenders match at MegaBrawl 2. I can’t wait to show the world on the biggest stage that The BOB can afford that Kobe Gyant is the future of this company. Now get outta my house, Mike! I’ve got things to do, women to screw, paternity tests to take, money to make. Hit the concrete.

rant , , , , , , ,

Yes. We. Can.

November 5th, 2008
Comments Off on Yes. We. Can.

Axl

“I have a dream.”
– Axl… Savior Elect

[The camera opens…]

[… to 11pm]

[… to Chicago]

[… to November 4th, 2008.]

B.O. : America, we have come so far. We have seen so much. But there is so much more to do. So tonight, let us ask ourselves – if our children should live to see the next century; if my daughters should be so lucky to live as long as Ann Nixon Cooper, what change will they see? What progress will we have made? This is our chance to answer that call. This is our moment. This is our time – to put our people back to work and open doors of opportunity for our kids; to restore prosperity and promote the cause of peace; to reclaim the American Dream and reaffirm that fundamental truth – that out of many, we are one; that while we breathe, we hope, and where we are met with cynicism, and doubt, and those who tell us that we cant, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people:

Yes We Can. Thank you, God bless you, and may God Bless the United States of America.

[Something has happened.]

[On this day…]

[On this night…]

[Change has happened.]

[Yes… change has happened. Our camera pans across the humongous crowd… before switching to scenes all across the world, all of people reacting much the same as those in Chicago…]

[… Before finally opening outside the Residence of Evil.]

[Change has happened.]

[For what was once decked out as a simple home, bearing just a slight resemblence to a castle, has been paved over… and REPLACED with a castle. An actual, wood, stone, and brick castle, erected so tall that it casts a shadow over all that surrounds it. The drawbridge lowers down… resting across an actual moat, some twenty feet wide, leaving little room between the moat and the street. Two guards step through the giant door… and stand on either side of it, gripping one flag a piece… the left guard holding the American flag… the Right Guard ™ holding the new flag of Sinister City, which is a black flag, pre-made to be tattered and torn, with a skull adorned with a crown. Below the crowned skull there lies one simple word ;]

“Believe.”

[A trumpeteer marches through the door… blasting out “You Know You’re Right” in perhaps the absolute worst rendition of a Nirvana song EVER…]

[Axl follows through… and shoves the trumpet player from the bridge, sending him flying into the moat… where he is eagerly ripped to shreds and feasted upon by a horde of hungry crocodiles. Blood spreads throughout the water…]

[Axl stands tall upon the wooden surface of the freshly crafted drawbridge, wearing a long, flowing, yet totally trashed robe, and a crown upon his head. He removes a black baseball bat from within his robe… and rests it down upon his shoulder.]

[He smiles.]

Axl: Studnuts. Yeah, you… JERKWEED! Guess what? YOU LOST!

[A little yellow kid with brown hair and a blue vest walks on screen… points at the camera… and cackles.]

Nelson Muntz: HA-HAH!!!

[He then walks away… as Axl scratches his head.]

Axl: Huh… don’t remember seeing that kid around town… ANYWAY. Stevie… I’m sorry, but it seems as though “The Mac” got Barack Rolled!!! 367 to 171?! Dude, Barack whooped…that…ASS!

[The little yellow kid steps back into the picture…]

Nelson Muntz: I reiterate… HA-HAH!!!

[…before once again taking his leave.]

Axl: … I seriously need to hire some better knights… the security around this place is crap. Just like McCain’s chances of winning, STEVE-O!

[I thought you said in another rant that you were a Republican?]

Axl: Uh…

[This is just a desperate attempt to get a match with Studs, isn’t it?]

Axl: Well… YES. But I deserve a GREAT match at MegaBrawl 2, and seeing as Great obviously won’t accept an invite… I GOTTA FIND SOMEBODY! I will NOT be the girl that doesn’t have a date to the prom!

[Girl? Shouldn’t that be boy? Unless you’re hiding something that, well, everyone’s pretty much known since your arrival here?]

Axl: … I’M NOT GAY!

[Besides, you’re, phff, “fired”. Of course, that’s apparently not stopping you from competing at October Surprise…]

Axl: WHAT?! What are you insinating?! Of course I’m fired!

[Then why are begging anyone and anybody for a match at MB II?

Axl: Er… I forgot! I’ve got a bad memory, man… A really… bad memory. … HONEST.

[What a pity. Perhaps one of THE biggest events in the history of our nation just occured… and you’re busy trying to scrounge up a match for a BoB On-Demand.]

Axl: Not just ANY BoB On-Demand, dammit! The biggest BoB On-Demand in our country’s history. An On-Demand event that will begin a HUUUGE change in how America perceives our nation’s greatest icon.

[… Ronald McDonald?]

Axl: NO, YOU NINNY!!! ME!

[… PHFF, hahahahahahaha!]

[Nelson Muntz returns on screen, and begins to point at Axl, and presumabely laugh his fool head off… when Axl grabs ahold of the poor kids head, lifts him up above his own head, and tosses Nelson from the drawbridge, down into the waiting jaws of a croc. Axl then points down toward the moat…]

Axl: HA-HAH!!!

[Axl looks back into the camera.]

Axl: Ahem… excuse me for that, but there’s just something about kids that I simply detest. Something… evil. More evil than even I. And we just can’t have that, now can we?

Axl: Two weeks from now… I’ll have been in this company for two years. And for two years… two… long… years… I’ll have felt the greatest opression that any American citizen has EVER felt. An opression greater than that felt by chicks, jews and black dudes. An opression even greater than that felt by a black jew chick! Two years ago, I was a rookie. A rookie believing that he stood a chance of one day becoming the Only World Champion That Matters. And I did hold that title… I held that title, and I held the Swiss Army Title. And I held the leadership of the Hierarchy… the mayorship of this city, my Kingdom… and I held the distinction of being the only hair band leader in BoB history. But what happened to it all? I asked myself that earlier… staring into the mirror at a man wearing a rusty crown. I asked myself that… and the answers began to flood my mind.

The hair band? Gone. Because let’s face it, the only people who like hair metal are women over thirty… and those vile, dreadful gays.

The Hierarchy? Gone. Let’s face it, Kurt’s pretty much struck out on his own, which leaves me, Michelle, and my brother. Not much of a stable.

The Swiss Army Title? Gone… but more importantly? The Only World Title that Matters ; GONE. All because of that DAMN iAd…

Axl: But hey, I’ve gotta look at the silver lining, right? Grunge is sooo much better than glam. And why have a stable when the greatest brothers in wrestling can just form a tag team that surpasses even the nWo and DX COMBINED? And yes, there’s always the mayorship. I AM the King of Sinister City… and forever will be.

Axl: But the OWTTM… that is perhaps the greatest evidence that exists to point towards BoB’s opression of its very own Savior. Things are coming easy for today’s rookies… guys like Kobe Gyant, Stephen Hawking, and of course, that bastard, The Great. They’ve all entered BoB, and been HANDED the ball… while I? I had to scratch, I had to claw… I had to kill or be killed… and even then? Even then, I was left with nothing. Nothing but my girl, my bro, and the power over every Citizen in this city. But when it comes to BoB… well, I never was given a fair shake. And that ulimately led to me being fired… and disgraced. And all I have to show for it are the scars that still tarnish my gorgeous physique… the scars left by that CAD Sillicone M. Plants.

Axl: There are so many people to thank for the hell that’s been the past two years… The iAd, especially Steve Studnuts… Doc M. Plants… The Great… Death… Pigeon… and of course, the man… or should I say THING, that my bro faces at October Surprise ; American Panda. If it wasn’t for that panda, why… I would have never been fired in the first place! That’s right, you overgrown teddy bear! I KNOW what you did!

Axl: I know what you did… LAST SUMMER!

Axl: That’s right, I remember it like it were yesterday… And I bet you do as well, A.P. Remember? July 5th? UnFourGiven… it was the Beer in the Belly Ladder match. Now, I bet I know what you’re all thinking. What does A.P. have to do with the Beer in the Belly match, eh? I mean, you probably think A.P. couldn’t have POSSIBLY had anything to do with it… what with him not being in BoB and all, right? WRONG! It is a fact, a stone cold FACT, that American Panda… is actually Dr. THRILLA!!! You have all recognized by now that A.P. wears a mask? Have any of you wondered WHY? It should be obvious, but unfortunately, it takes a genius, such as myself, to unravel even the simplest of things for you people. The Truth is, underneath that mask, there hides the doctor we all THOUGHT fell into an Inescapable Pit of No Escape… but who in actuallity was none other than Garth Vader and Garth Maul’s father, Garth Sidious! That guy was just as ugly as Thrilla. Well… almost.

Axl: Thrilla took the case that was rightfully mine, fled the country for the past four months… and now? He’s returned, under a mask, and I BET you that when October Surprise rolls around, that bastard, Dr. ThrillAmerican Panda, will be the one to cash in the Beer in the Belly! And you want in on a little secret? He didn’t buy it on eTrey, like the big wigs in Brawler Tower over there in Bobford, Connecticut will tell you. Oh, no, no, no… He was HANDED the case, just like Hawking, Gyant, and The Great have been handed everything their entire stay here. And he was handed it by Trey Vincent himself! Because Dr. M Plants told him to! Because Steve Studnuts told him to! Because Death told him to! Because Pigeon told HIM to! It’s all a conspiracy I tell you! It’s all been a plot to keep me away from the OWTTM!!! It’s the Truth! It’s real! It’s a fact! It’s a DAMN fact!

[You really are nuts, aren’t you?]

Axl: You hush up, this doesn’t concern you! But what it all comes down to is this ; I’ve been held back from the OWTTM for too damn long. The only run I’ve had with it was a one month reign, which was cut short due to the MERE fact that the iAd cost me the title, and has nothing to do with me “trashing the title”, no matter WHAT you may believe.

[… But, uh, Axl? That IS the reason. That’s sorta why the iAd cost you the belt in the first place…]

Axl: LIES! All lies!

[But Axl -]

Axl: (covers ears and begins to scream) I’M NOT LISTENING, I’M NOT LISTENING, I’M NOT LISTENIIINGGG!!!

[Oh for pity’s sake…]

Axl: (uncovers ears) I’m not paranoid! I don’t have anger issues, I don’t take things too seriously… I’M PERFECT! And yet, the BoB administration, the BoB Substars, and the BoB FANS… what little of those there are… have all shunned me… and shackled me. I deserve better! I’ve always deserved better! I deserve better than anyone in this City… this country… I deserve better than anyone on the entire planet Earth!!! I AM A GOD! I AM A SAINT!! I AM A SAVIOR!!!

And it’s about fucking time somebody recognized this.

Axl: I have the intelligence to lead this city to becoming not only the capitol of Utah… but the capitol of the United States of America. I have the strength, the speed, and the sheer FORCE to lead the Hierarchy Brothers to a tag team title reign… and to become the OWCTM for a second time. And I have the talent, the ability, the skill, the power, and the unmatched EVIL-NESS… to lead BoB to becoming the most elite promotion in all of sports entertainment! BoB could be defeating WWE on a weekly basis right now… but they’re not. And why is this? Because they haven’t trusted me with the reigns… and yet, they do trust some fool like The Great-er Tot, some spineless coward like Silly Putty M. Plants, and some shiftless BITCH like Steven NumbNuts!!! They trust this lot of piss-poor piss-ants… but do they trust me? No…

But that will change.

I’ve never felt true acceptance in this company… in the entirety of my two years here, I’ve always felt like a second class citizen.

But that will change.

While others have risen to Greatness… While other have been deemed “Stupendous”, and been to made feel like a Gyant among men… I’ve felt like a man with no home. A homeless man if you will.

[…]

But that WILL change.

[Uhm, how exactly do you plan on changing it, if you really ARE “fired”? Hm?]

Axl: Uh…

[Yup, that’s what I thought.]

Axl: REGARDLESS! I’ve been told that I’ll never be on par with the other members of the roster for two full years… I’ve been told that I’m not on level with Studnuts, or M. Plants, or Death, or Trey, or even that idiot Great.

They’ve told me I can’t stand toe to toe with the main event players… They’ve told me I can’t defeat them. I’m here to tell them… To tell you ALL…

Yes. I. Can.

And yes I will…

Axl: And it all begins with October Surprise.

Axl: American Panda… if that is your real name. Change is coming… and it begins with you.

|th –

[Wait a second… if “Viruz” is facing American Panda…]

Axl: I’M NOT LISTENING!!!

|the|

rant , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Moped Basketball!

October 21st, 2008
Comments Off on Moped Basketball!

Kobe Gyant

It’s Tuesday night, 8:25 p.m. in Sin City. Kobe Gyant is driving around on an outdoor basketball court on a moped and shooting hoops. SWOOSH! Kobe note: Monta Ellis is a BITCH. Kobe’s alone, except for Mike “The Monotone” Monroe, The BOB’s Interviewing Guy, who approaches The BOB’s greatest of greats. Kobe is in a gold and purple #99 Los Santos jersey and matching shorts. Kobe captures the ball, does a lap, and hits a three-pointer off the backboard.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Man, the only thing lamer than you being out here tonight Mike would be some wrestler dude claiming he made himself a self-made millionaire by designing clothes made in Chinese sweatshops. I’ll be real. I’m a dollar menunaire. But that’s only because I’ve probed more women than all the gray aliens in recorded history, you know…

<--Mike Monroe-->

You sound a bit ticked off tonight, Kobe. What’s up?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

It’s all Ronnie James Dio’s fault!

<--Mike Monroe-->

Ronnie James Dio, the singer? Don’t you mean Steel Chair and the 4 Steelchairs?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Nah, those dudes ain’t no threat to Kobe Gyant. Shoot, they ain’t even Ranted since the Rant Zone moved to eWmania. I’m e-fed up them!

<--Mike Monroe-->

E-fed up?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Yeah. But look, I’m The BOB’s sunset superman. When things were looking bleakest for BOB, a rainbow in the dark appeared. Kobe Gyant! It’s time to stand up and shout it to the world. ANYTHING IS POSSIBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLE! Anyway, Ronnie James Dio, I’m comin’ for you! Look out!

<--Mike Monroe-->

Ohhhhhhkay.

Kobe retrieves the basketball on his moped and then motors to half-court.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Look, Mike. The only way Steel Chair and Red Chair can beat me is if I have an accident on my moped here tonight and break my ankle, you know. But my ankles are made of steel, son! They won’t bury me when I die, they’ll recycle me, you know…Shoot, my ankles are so strong I once gave Annabeth Gish an orgasm just by wiggling my big toe! Mike, one day soon, my name will be in the rafters of the BOB Ballroom, after I’ve won multiple ONLY WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS THAT MATTER.

But first things first. Steel Chair, Red Chair, I’m gonna hurt you worse than my brain hurt after watching the movie “Steel.” Count on it! And we out.

Kobe takes one final shot from half-court. Nothing but net!

rant , , , , ,

Black On Black Violence!

September 26th, 2008
Comments Off on Black On Black Violence!

Kobe Gyant

Kobe Gyant stands in front of a podium. A throng of press corps surrounds The BOB’s MVP to hear what Kobe has to say.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

America, I have decided to postpone my campaign to become The BOB’s ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS.

Cameras flash.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

That’s right. You heard me. Insteadah, I am going to devote myself to go to Sin Citay, and save BOB from the greedy tycoons on Electric Avenue. The Brawlers on a Budget are desperately in need of a ratings bailout. I am the change The BOB needs. So, I have agreed to appear at Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION! and take head-on the most pressing need in our country. Black on black violence. Uh. Frankly, we need more of it. So that’s why I will go to iMPLOSION and defeat Black Chair. Thank you. Questions?

<--Mike Monroe-->

Hi, Kobe. Mike Monroe, Brawlers On a Budget. Um. Did you bring all these mirrors here to make it look like I’m more than one person? What’s up with this?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

I think that, at this point, some type of clarity is needed on this issue. And when I am the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS, I will work non-stop to deliver the type of change that The BOB is crying out for like a baby that’s been dumped by an teenager down a sewer hole. It’s time to bail out that baby and wipe the doodoo off her face. You don’t hate children, do you, Mike?

<--Mike Monroe-->

Quick followup: huh?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Again, I think that Acting BigBOSS Seth Harker, Vice President Trey Vincent, and Head Writer Michelle, the BOB leadership, needs to decide where we want to go as a federation. Do we want to go forward to the past? Or go onward into the present? I say, we should move back to the future. And the future is Kobe Gyant. Next?

<--Mike Monroe-->

Kobe, I

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Mike, Mike, please don’t dominate this press conference, let someone else ask a question. Yes, Mike?

<--Mike Monroe-->

I understand you’ve also agreed to participate in Snore Games at October Surprise. Who will be the fifth member of your team?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

It is my intention to be in Snore Games at October Surprise. Obviously, the biggest priority is making sure that I’m on the show so people will order it and send us money. But it’s also important to let everyone know that the 4 Steelchairs are flatter than Va-Jay-Jay Dillon. Seriously. The woman’s concave. Her nipples are innies. Her chest is like a black hole, you know. Maybe Stephen Hawking should investigate that instead of getting title shots while I feud with chairs. Anyone else?

<--Mike Monroe-->

Did you have sexual relations with Va-Jay-Jay Dillon?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Let me make this clear. I (slams fist on podium). Had (slams fist on podium). Sexual (slams fist on podium). Relations (slams fist on podium). With (slams fist on podium). That (slams fist on podium). Woman (slams fist on podium). Many times. Let’s just say if she were a poor country, I’d be a missionary in it, you know…The game was on, and her mouth was the board, you know…I took a swab of the DNA in her cheek, but it wasn’t with no Q-tip, you know…

<--Mike Monroe-->

Is she carrying your child?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Maybe, Mike. Maybe my unborn fetus will be my mysterious fifth teammate. Now how’s that for a heel turn? I can see it now. Kobe Jr. rips off the umbilical cord, wraps it around her bladder, makes her pee her pants, she slips in her own puddle, and break her leg. “Me So Horny” hits the speakers and that baby exits through the beef drapes to a standing ovation from the crowd! I like it a lot, Mike Monroe. Count on it! At October Surprise! Wouldn’t be the first time.

<--Mike Monroe-->

Pretty sure it would be.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

I had a life before BOB, you know… Anyway, press conference over. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go help Al U. Minium-Ladder, Woody Table, and Acoustic Guitar get ready for Snore Games.

rant , , , , , ,

Snore Games: The Match Be-Kobe’s!

September 19th, 2008
Comments Off on Snore Games: The Match Be-Kobe’s!

Kobe Gyant

Running On Empty was another highlight in the career of parody wrestling’s greatest superstar ever conceived, Kobe Gyant. The match against Steel Chair was almost a five-star epic before that blonde ho Va-Jay-Jay Dillon wrecked it. But, just like he does with all his women, Kobe came out on top. The match was the easiest of his career. The concussion? A grade five. They had to redo the entire scale just to account for Kobe’s pain. Sure, Arethra sang about respect, but Steel Chair doesn’t deserve any. In fact, Kobe Gyant’s got his own version of that song that will someday soon be downloadable on his KobeSpace page and no doubt win an MTV Viewers Choice Award as well as a Grammy, and hell, why not even an Oscar once it appears in a film. Kobe can score just as well in a recording studio as on the basketball court. So, 1, 2, The Greatest Parody Wrestler’s coming for you…3, 4, better lock your door…

Mike “The Monotone” Monroe is sitting beside Kobe Gyant, who is asleep in bed. The time is 5:59 a.m. when the alarm radio goes off. “The Star Spangled Banner” plays.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Aw, hell no.

Kobe yanks the radio out of the wall, stumbles to the bathroom and drops the alarm clock in the toilet with a plop. Sounds of urination follow. Then a flush.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Josh Howard thinks he’s cool? He ain’t no Kobe. I take a whizz on every radio that dares to play the “Star-Spangled Banner,” that’s how black I am, son? Mike Monroe, what are you doing in my bedroom? Are you a sleep bandit? Shoot, I better not be sticky anywhere, you know…

<--Mike Monroe-->

Pardon me?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Well, you better have a plunger.

<--Mike Monroe-->

Sorry, no. I’m actually here to interview you. Every radio, really?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Yeah, my car smells like the men’s room at Los Santos International Airport after R Kelly’s been in there with two underage girls, you know…

<--Mike Monroe-->

*Ahem* Well.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

It’s quite a surprise to see you here, Mike. But speaking of surprises, I have an announcement to make about The BOB’s upcoming On-Demand event, October Surprise. I’ve been hearing the rumors about this match they call “Snore Games.” And I am throwing it out there right now. Kobe Gyant vs. the 4 Steelchairs, and hell, even Va-Jay-Jay Dillon in a Snore Games match!

<--Mike Monroe-->

Who would your partners be?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

My partners? Glad you asked. Follow me to my twenty-car garage.

Scene cuts to Kobe’s garage.

<--Mike Monroe-->

Funny, this doesn’t look like a 20-car garage.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Oh, it’s certified by the American Institute of Really Big Garages, Mike. Believe it. Guiness Book of World Records said that if they had a category for the most excessive garages in the world, it’d be this one. But forget all that. I’m here to introduce you to Team Kobe. May I introduce to you, Al U. Minium-Ladder.

<--Al U. Minium-Ladder-->

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Next up, it’s Wood Table!

<--Wood Table-->

<--Kobe Gyant-->

And finally….Acoustic Guitar!

<--Acoustic Guitar-->

<--Mike Monroe-->

Odd. I would’ve figured Acoustic Guitar would’ve made a noise?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Nah. It’s an inside guitar. Had to de-string it. So, Dillon, 4 Steelchairs, at October Surprise, I demand Snore Games! It’ll be a regular fall brawl! Or a great american bash, if you will. And Dillon, it’ll be nice to hear you screaming once more time. Beyotch.

<--Mike Monroe-->

What about your fifth member?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

My penis?

<--Mike Monroe-->

No, no. Their team would have five people. You only have four?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Oh, right. Hmm…guess I need to PM the bookerman about that one. Now get outta my house, Mike! I’ve got things to do, women to screw, paternity tests to take, money to make. Hit the concrete.

rant , , , ,

The Kobe Challenge – Part 2!

August 22nd, 2008
Comments Off on The Kobe Challenge – Part 2!

Kobe Gyant

We fade in on a street somewhere in Sin City. Kobe Gyant is on hands and knees on the pavement beside a folding chair. Mike Monroe is standing in front of them, wrestling off a strait jacket. He picks up a microphone.

<<–Mike Monroe–>>

Hello Brawlers On a Budget fans! Mike Monroe here, and we’re going to put the Kobe Challenge to the test! Sir, are you ready to take the Kobe Challenge?

<–Blindfolded Man #1–>

Yes!

Mike helps the man take a seat on Kobe Gyant’s back first.

<–Blindfolded Man #1–>

Mmmm. That’s pretty good!

Mike helps the man take a seat on the folding chair next.

<–Blindfolded Man #1–>

Mmmm. That’s pretty good, too!

<<–Mike Monroe–>>

If you had to buy one folding chair, which one would it be? Chair 1 or Chair 2?

<–Blindfolded Man #1–>

That’s tough. But I’d have to go with chair number two!

<<–Kobe Gyant–>>

What? That’s bull****, son!

<–Cut–>

As we re-fade up, the man who used to be wearing a blindfold is now wearing two black eyes instead.

<–Blindfolded Man #1–>

Nothing beats the taste of Kobe Gyant chairs.

He runs away.

<–Blindfolded Man #2–>>

What was with all that screaming and wailing a minute ago?

<<–Mike Monroe–>>

Oh, one of the chairs was just really uncomfortable. He had chronically sore, uh, eye sockets?

<–Blindfolded Man #2–>>

Such a shame.

<<–Mike Monroe–>>

Much like this concept. Sir, are you ready to take the Kobe Challenge?

<–Blindfolded Man #2–>>

Mike helps the man take a seat on the folding chair first. The man begins groping the chair all around.

<–Blindfolded Man #2–>>

Ewww. This thing is cold and flat. Just like my little sister.

<<–Mike Monroe–>>

Uh-huh…

Mike then helps the man take a seat on Gyant’s back. The man begins groping Kobe all around!

<–Blindfolded Man #2–>>

Hmmm…this one’s better, but seems a little worn out for my taste.

<<–Kobe Gyant–>>

Aw, hell no!

Gyant suddenly pushes up, sending the pervert flying.

<–Blindfolded Man #2–>>

Dear Jesus!

<–Cut–>

As we re-fade up, the man who used to be wearing a blindfold is now wearing two black eyes instead.

<–Blindfolded Man #2–>

Nothing beats the taste of Kobe Gyant chairs.

<<–Mike Monroe–>>

Sorry, Father.

The priest stumbles away.

<<–Mike Monroe–>>

Only one left, Kobe. Ma’am. Are you ready—

<<–Kobe Gyant (whispering)–>>

I’ve got this one, Mike.

Kobe shoves Mike out of the way.

<<–Kobe Gyant–>>

To take the Kobe Challenge?

<<–Blindfolded Woman–>>

Yes! Yes! Yes!

<<–Kobe Gyant–>>

Oh, I love ’em enthusiastic.

Kobe sits her down on the folding chair. He disappears from camera for a minute, as if he were pulling his shorts down. But he wouldn’t. Would he?

<<–Sound Effect–>>

BOIIIIIIIING

<<–Blindfolded Woman–>>

Wow. That’s really hard on my ass.

<<–Kobe Gyant–>>

Then you really aren’t going to like this next thing you sit on.

<<–Blindfolded Woman–>>

Who said I didn’t like it?

She licks her lips. Kobe looks at the camera and winks.

<<–Cut to black–>>

<<–Blindfolded Woman (Voice)–>>

Yes! Yes! Yes!

As we re-re-fade up, the girl is biting her lower lip.

<<–Blindfolded Woman–>>

Nothing! Beats! KOBE! GYANT! OH! GOD! THAT’S! GYANT! OH!

rant , , , ,

The Most Comfortable Man On The Planet – Part 1!

August 22nd, 2008
Comments Off on The Most Comfortable Man On The Planet – Part 1!

Kobe Gyant

We fade in to an empty ballroom somewhere in Sin City. Kobe knows where, but you don’t. Because Kobe Gyant knows all. Where is Kobe? Here. On his hands and knees on the floor. Suddenly several random fireworks go off. Because Kobe deserves pyro. Besides, he saw a buy one, get three sale, and how could he resist? Kobe knows a good deal when he sees four. Naturally, because shooting off fireworks in a hotel is pretty illegal, alarm bells roar, lights flash, and then the sprinklers sprinkle. Through all this chaos, Kobe Gyant never moves from his position.

<--Mike Monroe-->

Kobe. Kobe. There’s a fire. We have to evacuate.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

<--Mike Monroe-->

Kobe?

Due to the falling water, Mike pulls out an umbrella and opens it. Mike notices a zippable plastic bag laying on Kobe’s back. Curious, Mike walks over and opens it. Inside is a piece of paper.

<--Mike Monroe-->

What the…(Reading) Mike, if you’re reading this, chances are, I’ve turned into a chair? (He lowers the plastic bag) Oh, boy. (Reading) Who you calling boy? (Looking at Kobe) How did you know I was going to say “boy”? (Reading) I’m psychic, you know…Anyway, I’ve turned into a chair because I’m getting inside Steel Chair’s head. It thinks it’s all that because it can fold up and people can sit on it? I’m the most comfortable man-made chair on the planet, son!

Mike, of all the interviewers who have interviewed me – and believe me there have been hundreds of thousands of interviews with the greatest high school basketball player ever – you’re the latest. Steel Chair will pay for what it did to both of us at Power Is Stolen. Over.

Mike turns the plastic bag over to continue reading.

<--Mike Monroe-->

Now go and find me some people from the hotel to take the Kobe Challenge. Don’t read any more of this out loud, it will all be revealed in Part 2. Quick, put it in your pocket! OK, Kobe. I’ll do it.

<--Firefighter-->

Sir, you must leave this room. NOW!

<--Mike Monroe-->

OK. OK. Wait. What about Kobe?

<--Firefighter-->

Sir, that’s a chair! (He gets on his walkie-talkie) Possible head trauma in the ballroom. I’m gonna need a medic.

<--Mike Monroe-->

He’s not a chair. He’s real! (The firefighter begins pulling Mike away from Kobe) Reeeeeeeeeeeeal!

rant , , , ,

Feel The Most Awesome Power in the Universe!

August 15th, 2008
Comments Off on Feel The Most Awesome Power in the Universe!

Kobe Gyant

The Rant opens with a black man’s face as white lettering zooms at the viewers eyes in 3D! That’s right, Kobe Gyant beat Steven Spielberg to the technology that lets you watch a movie in 3D without glasses. And he’s using it for the use in a low-budget wrestling promotion. Star Wars my black ass…Anyway, there is a voice over by a deep and ominous voice. Imagine if Kobe Gyant had stolen the DNA of both James Earl Jones and Barry White and made a test tube baby with the deepest voice in the history of deep voices. That would be this voice. His first words? “I can’t get enough of CNN, babe.” Then, these…

<--Voice Over-->

There have been many inanimate objects in The BOB. Unit 5. The You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain’t Doing That Title Belt. The “Are You Out Of Your Frickin’ Mind” Title Belt. The Hirohito, Where Am I? This Is Not Tokyo! Title Belt. CircularAnswer’s sense of humor. But none have ever come close to the greatness that is…

There’s an excerpt from a 20 minute egotistical drum solo of Lars Ulrich proportions, followed by a clips of last July 4th’s fireworks from New York City, followed by an old guy reading a portion of the transcript of “The Hierarchy: Reloaded” on a cancer kazoo as an image spins towards the screen.

<--Voice Over-->

KOBE GYANT! Steel Chair doesn’t stand a chance.

Oh yeah, the full Rant is coming…just you wait, Steel Chair. Just you wait…

rant , , , ,