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Posts Tagged ‘Jerri Li’

Shame In Defeat

November 16th, 2008
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Jerri Li

[Open to a white bathroom, lit by an overhanging bulb, as Jerri Li dabs at an entire galaxy of cuts on her face. Christian St. Christian and Scatman are stood in the background with their arms folded. ]

Jerri (pulling a big string of cartilage out): Forget it, the show’s cancelled.

CSC: But what about my match against a bunch of earthworms?

Scatman: Fuck your earthworms… I was going to get to have sex with her in the middle of the ring!

Christian St. Christian

Jerri: If you won, which you wouldn’t have.

CSC: Why don’t you just go and fuck yourself?

Scatman: Why don’t you go shove those stupid earthworms up your ass?

[Jerri looks back into the mirror and sighs as the two men behind her squabble like children.]

Jerri: You know what? You guys were disgusting, vile, humiliating to be associated with. But with all the shit you’ve been pulling I totally fucked up my match. Sarah didn’t even bleed for Christ’s sake!

Scatman

Scatman: Screw that bitch, we’re just here to make BOB NC-17.

Jerri: Fuck you guys.

[In an unexpected, but not all that surprising, turn of sadism she smashes the mirror with her fist and attacks The Fetish Freaks with shards of broken glass. They stumble backwards out of the bathroom, caught off guard. Jerri grabs a razor sharp steel net, which she just happened to have lying around, and throws it over Scatman, cutting him into thousands of tiny chunks. Christian St. Christian just runs off never to be heard from again.]

Jerri: Much better.

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A Heart Warming Scene

November 2nd, 2008

Scatman

[Scatman is sat at a table covered in broken plate pieces eating raw mincemeat.]

Christian St. Christian: Even your eyes stink.

Scatman: I had to use my own glue to make the contact lenses stick.

CSC: What the hell are you eatng? Meat and treacle?

Scatman: There wasn’t any maple syrup.

[Scatman slurps down a glass of brown colored water.]

Christian St. Christian

Jerri Li: Hey cumwads, what the hell are you eating?

Scatman: Mincemeat and treacle, what’s wrong with that?

Jerri: Don’t you normally eat shit?

Scatman: Hey, I’m a wrestler now. I need protein to stay in shape.

CSC: The shape of a wet paper cup.

Scatman: You’re just lucky we aren’t fighting, I would’ve kicked your ass to the moon and back.

Jerri Li

Jerri: Someone knock me out, I can’t stand this bickering.

Scatman: Just hit yourself with a brick, that always works.

CSC: Scatman, can you be serious for a minute? I think I have an idea who Plants booked us against at October Surprise. Here, take this.

[He hands Scatman a piece of paper written on in pencil.]

CSC: That’s some strategy to use if it is who I think it is.

Scatman: I can’t read this!

CSC: That’s because you got shit all over it!

[He snatches the paper back angrily.]

Scatman: Dude, we don’t need anymore training anyway. The Great learns his stuff from Smackdown vs Raw, you can play Mario and I’ll just watch girls mud wrestling. It all works out!

[He jumps up onto the table and swings his hips with his hands on his head.]

Scatman: In fact, I’m gonna do some working out now.

[He runs off suddenly, dragging the tablecloth and plates off the table under his feet as he goes.]

CSC: He’s from another world completely.

Jerri: I’m splitting apart on the inside over this match. I booked you guys against each other because you wrestle like pussies and will be able to run-in on my match. I know my teammates are good, and Death is the grim reaper for crying out loud, but the beefed up iAd are the kings of sports entertainment.

CSC: I’m not running in on your match! You’re supposed to be a masochist, what the hell do you care if you get another beating from Studnuts?

Jerri: When I held that T&A XX title, I don’t know, it made me feel powerful. Like I was the king.

CSC: Don’t you mean queen?

Jerri: Whatever. Sarah’s in that match and she’s got my belt. She’s disgracing the legacy I made for it. She doesn’t even hit herself with weapons. I need to get it back!

[St. Christian puts his arm around her.]

CSC: Do you wanna go watch mud wrestling with Scatman? He’s probably turned over all the furniture in the room by now.

Jerri: Can I smash his head through the TV screen?

CSC: Anything you want.

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Zombieproof

October 23rd, 2008
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Death

Katie Death, a zombie who dresses in a cheerleader uniform, was washing the dishes with blood in the sink when her husband, Death, walked into the room. God’s Hitman opened up the refrigerator, looked around, and then slammed the door shut.

“Why is there never any food in this house? I have Snore Games coming up in just a couple of weeks, and I need to bribe The Great with food apparently so he won’t do a job for the either Steve Studnuts, Trey Vincent, Sarah “The Jobber Slayer,” Seth Harker, or Dr. Silaconne M. Plants apparently now, too. And I still haven’t figured out what to bribe my other teammates with. Let’s see…write this down. Let’s see, for Trable…how about some fried chicken, watermelon, and grape juice? For Jerri Li? Hmm. Some Jagged Metal Krusty-O’s and battery acid. Kid Pirate probably likes booze. Rum. Hell, how about some peg leg polish as well. Did you get all that, Katie?”

“Braains!” Katie roared.

“Why do you make everything so hard except right here,” Death said, performing a crotch chop in his wife’s direction.

“Braaaains!” Katie replied.

“Is this mansion not big enough for you? What about all those dead people stacked in the meat locker? Where’s the respect for Death?”

“Braaaaains!”

“Did you at least dry clean my wrestling cloak.”

“Brains.”

“Son of a…” Death started before pounding his bony fist on the countertop. “I’VE HAD IT UP TO HERE, KATIE!”

“Brains brains brains brains brains brains!”

“What does this have to do with my yacht? Don’t I deserve a little ME time? I work my fingers to the bone…wait, they already are bone. I work my bones to the…you know what I mean! I work non-stop for the Big Guy who created this universe. He created you for ME, not me for YOU! You’re just a bit player.”

“Uhhhhh~!”

“It’s ironic. I figured I would’ve been the one to kill this relationship…”

“Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains!”

“You want out? That’s FINE with me!”

Katie Death shuffles away to her bedroom, slamming the door shut behind her. She grabs a framed picture of Zombie Mr. Fantastic off her dresser.

“Uhhhhhhhhhhh!”

Meanwhile, outside, Death has his scythe and begins bashing a trash barrel with the handle. After several seconds of clatter, Death looks up and notices a zombie eating somebody’s face in the street. Both are starting at him curiously.

“Help me?” the victim gurgled out, blood oozing from everywhere on his (or her?) face.

“Rar?” the zombie queried.

“Sorry, Face Eater. Go about your business.”

The zombie continued eating the victim’s face as Death threw his trash back into the trash bucket. One of the plastic bags ripped and several cans fell out with a dull clatter as they hit the driveway. Brains In A Can. It was eerily silent — as long as you ignored the dying screams and disgusting face-eating noises in the background.

“And she can’t even recycle on top of everything else?”

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Breakfast

October 19th, 2008
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Jerri Li

[The Fetish Freaks’ very own Asian bombshell, Jerri Li, is sat in front of a broken mirror combing her hair. Tentacle Beast and Scatman are stood, in the background, before a hot, sizzling frying pan as they unload a horde of ingredients from a plastic bag.]

Scatman: Brace yourself Tentacle Beast, for the best damn omelette you’ve ever eaten.

Tentacle Beast: Nothing can beat human eggs eaten right out of a Japanese schoolgirls melting pussy as her screams reach ultrasonic!

Scatman

[Scatman mimics mockingly.]

Scatman: Eeyaaagh! Yamate! Oh please, this is my extra special eggs benedict recipe.

Jerri Li: It involves faeces doesn’t it?

Scatman: No! Well… yeah, just a little bit.

Tentacle Beast: I’m not eating shit! I learned my lesson after your chocolate soufflé.

Scatman: That was horse manure, this is super rare baby poo!

Tentacle Beast

Tentacle Beast: I suppose you raped the baby you took it from.

Scatman: I’m not THAT perverted! I know you like underage girls but I don’t hit that shit until it turns 16.

Jerri Li: That is underage!

Scatman: If it’s good enough for the British…

[Scatman dumps the contents of the bag into the frying pan before pulling a handful of faecal matter out of his pocket.]

Tentacle Beast: No, Scatman. Just… no.

Scatman: Oh come on! It’s rich in vitamin c!

Tentacle Beast: Fool me once, shame on me.

Scatman: Whatever. More eggs for me.

[Scatman drops the shit into the frying pan.]

Scatman: Hey, Jerri. We don’t have a spoon. Can you stir this with your hand?

Jerri: Sure, turn the heat up though.

[The camera fades out of this delightful breakfast scene as Clive throws up.]

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Not Safe For Work

September 29th, 2008
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Jerri Li

[The scene fades in on a window pane as rain splatters against it. Cut to a woman’s foot. The camera pans slowly upwards as a pair of fishnet stockings are unrolled over her silky smooth legs. The camera keeps going past her tight stomach, her skin the color of crème brûlée, her breasts, hidden behind a black bra, and neck until it reaches her face. It’s Jerri Li! She hasn’t been resurrected more than a few days and she already has clothes pegs all over her face.]

Jerri Li: I suppose I should thank you for bringing me back from Hell. There was no pain, no pleasure nothing. Just blackness. It was so boring.

[There is no answer, just giggling.]

Jerri Li: Are you even listening to me?

[Jerri turns around to see new found stable mates huddled around a computer monitor. Jerri looks mad at not being the center of attention and stomps over to them.]

Jerri Li: What are you guys doing?

[She sees what they are watching.]

Jerri Li: You guys are perverts.

Scatman

Scatman: Hey!

Christian St. Christian: Dude, you are just about the most perverted man I’ve ever met.

Scatman: Moi?

[Scatman stands up on the seat of his chair, puts his hands on his head and rotates his hips like a male stripper.]

Scatman: I’m just hyper-sexual baby. Fuck, now I’m horny.

[Scatman jumps down and runs off screen.]

Christian St. Christian

Jerri Li: Where’s he going?

CSC: You don’t want to know, trust me.

[Tentacle Beast takes over control of the computer.]

Tentacle Beast: Sweeeet.

Tentacle Beast

[Tentacle Beast gets about half way through the video before running off as well, making squishy noises as he goes.]

CSC: He’s had to convert to girls in catholic schoolgirl uniforms, poor guy. They don’t squeal enough for him.

Jerri Li: You guys ARE perverts! I suppose you like old grannies vomiting on each other.

CSC: Nah, that’s more Scatman’s kinda thing. I just have a crush fetish.

Jerri Li: You have a fetish for having crushes on girls?

CSC: Not quite.

[Jerri Li turns her neck and looks at St. Christian.]

Jerri Li: I think I understand.

CSC: Anyway, we’ve got bigger fish to fry.

Jerri Li: BOB?

[He nods.]

Jerri Li: Five minutes with you guys and that place seems normal.

CSC: Yeah, well.

[St. Christian cracks his knuckles over his chest.]

CSC: You want to get back at Sarah The Jobber Slayer right?

Jerri Li: Yes.

CSC: If you’ll join our stable we can help you. She’s well protected by the higher ups in BOB, but there’s little that can stand in the way of a psychopath with an iron chain, an eight foot demon and a guy covered in faeces. We’ll make sure you have your revenge and regain your T&A XX Division championship.

Jerri Li: I am going to tear Sarah limb from limb.

CSC: That’s all to come. But for now, I thought there might be a way we could combine our own personal fetishes.

[He puts on a pair of golf shoes and points for Jerri to lie down on the floor.]

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The Stand In

September 16th, 2008
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Jerri Li

[The woman paid to play Jerri Li, after the real one was eaten by Zombie Mr. Fantastic, is sat on a man bound to a chair as a piece of human furniture. Clive is there, because I’ve run out of imagination, along with a man named Hans who is acting as sadomasochistic adviser for the promo.]

Hans: Now, Jerri…

Jerri: My name’s Christie.

Clive: You’ve got to answer to Jerri or this will never be believable.

Jerri: But I don’t want to play this evil bitch, I just want to watch reruns of Xena: Warrior Princess.

[Hans motions with his hands in front of his chest, which either means something or he wishes he had big boobs.]

Hans: You’e going to need a lot of heart here Jerri, this man is here to take your abuse. You have to be cruel to be kind. There is an arrangement of weapons, tools and rusty metal over there and you have free reign.

Jerri: Why can’t BOB change her gimmick to, like, a girl who likes putting on makeup and shopping all the time?

[Hans covers his face and walks over to the weapons pit. He picks up a circular saw and angrilly thrusts it into Jerri’s hands.]

Jerri (shrieking): Holy shit! Get it away from me! Oh my gosh!

Hans: Clive, this is going to take a lot of work.

[Hans slaps the human furniture man across the face himself, making his nose bleed. Jerri faints at the sight of blood.]

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Fashionista

September 9th, 2008
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Jerri Li

[Jerri Li is sat on a stool in front of a mirror, putting on makeup. She dabs powder foundation onto her face with a 150 brush, small puffs being drawn up by the ceiling fan. She glues false eyelashes onto her lids and uses an eyelash curler on them. She paints her nails with white polish and rubs pink lipstick onto her lips. She takes a drag from a lit cigarette before putting it out in a glass of water.]

Jerri: Much better.

[The camera pans away, moving slowly across the brightly decorated pink bedroom, to a man in tighty whiteys tied to the bed.]

Jerri: I hope you had your eyes peeled during that.

[She cuts two apples in half with a knife.]

Jerri: I know it must be scary waking up after eleven hours of sleep, don’t worry, you’re not going to starve to death.

[She walks across to him, rips the duct tape from his lips and drops the apple segments into his mouth.]

Jerri: Let me introduce myself to you. My name is Jerri Li and I am a professional wrestler.

[The man laughs.]

Jerri: What’s so funny?

Man: Pro-wrestling?! That’s just people making it look like they’re hurting each other.

[Jerri digs her fingernails into his chest and pulls them down to his belly.]

Jerri: You’re the prisoner here, I’d watch your luck. As I was saying…

[She coughs.]

Jerri: Wrestling is only my day job, it’s a great occupation if you want to hurt people and be hurt back. For you see I am also a sadomasochist.

Man: Oh shit.

[She opens a closet door and pulls out a long, black leather whip.]

Jerri: You wont be leaving this room in a wheelchair or even a bodybag, you shit stained eyesore. Anyone trying to find you will need a fine tooth comb. But before you kick the bucket, baby, I’m going to age you considerably. You’ll have crow’s feet all over your greasefire of a forehead. I’ll pull your teeth out and show you all the things I can do with bamboo.

Man: Wait, wait… isn’t BOB supposed to be a parody promotion. I remember now, I’ve seen you on TV. How do you get away with it all?

Jerri: BOB let’s me do whatever I want for one reason.

[She slowly unbuttons her shirt and pulls her miniskirt down around her ankles, revealing a snakeskin bikini underneath. She takes a bottle of baby oil and rubs it all over herself. Despite his impending doom the man starts to become a little excited. Before we get to windmachines whipping through her hair level, Jerri dives on the man with a pair of scissors and the scene fades to black. The next morning she had Shredded Wheat for breakfast.]

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Petite Slayer Rendition Uno

August 26th, 2008
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Sarah The Jobber Slayer

[Sarah “The Jobber Slayer” is seen staring at a poster of Jerri Li.]

Sarah: I can’t believe you have a poster of her on your wall.

[Kay Fabe puts a finger against the two-dimensional lips of Jerri Li.]

Kay: Well, she did touch me down there. No woman has ever touched me like Jerri Li touched me. Not even Seth.

Sarah: Um-kay.

Far-off voice, possibly Seth: Did you just call me a woman?

Kay Fabe

Kay: No, sweetie. Don’t you have a backstage segment you’re late for or something.

[Dead silence.]

Sarah: How are you feeling, Kay?

Kay: The tombstone through the stack of tables. Yeah, it kinda hurt. Thus, the neckbrace.

Sarah: Ah, didn’t even notice it. Thanks, Detached Narrator.

[Second Cousin of the First Evil, remember?]

Sarah: Yeah, whatever happened to that whole deal, DN?

Kay: You vanquished evil, because it’s what you do! You’re the chosen one! You’re the one and…, well, you’re the one of three Jobber Slayers. That we know of anyway.

Sarah: Where’s Freddy Prinze Jr. when you need him.

Kay: Zuh?

Sarah: He’s a writer for SmackDown.

Kay: Writer? *Pffft* Think you have a brain injury, missy!

Sarah: Right. Anywho. How do you think I’ll do inside of Jell-O in a Cell-O?

Kay: You’ll do great. Just don’t let her grab your groin, or you’ll get all aroused and distracted. Serious not goodness.

Sarah: Yeah, I often have THAT problem when women grab my crotch. *Rolls eyes* Say, first, let’s ask that guy who’s chained to your wall who he thinks will win.

Kay: Who, Josh G?

Sarah: Why do I know that name? Man, I’m having a massive mental block. It’s like somebody renditioned my brain.

Kay: Josh, who do you think will win when Sarah and Jerri wrestle in jell-o?

Josh G: Umm…Sarah?

Sarah: Sounds good to me. Well, there you have it, straight from the lips of the guy who is chained to Kay Fabe’s wall for no apparent reason.

Kay: (Mouthing the words) Mistress. Of. Pain. (She then does the Rob Van Spam thumb pointing thingee.)

Sarah: Ariel, this time, I won’t drop the title. Because all I have to do is pin you.

[Kay hands Sarah a banana. Sarah hands Kay a plastic bag.]

Kay: Oh, baby!

[Um, what’s in the bag?]

Kay: Oh, I totally made this banana super powerful for added extra slayage power. All Sarah has to do is slay Jerri with this banana and she’ll become the T&A XX Division Champion and live out her full life as a champion. It’s sort of like that movie about the little mermaid…what was that movie called?

[Right…but what’s in the bag?]

Kay: … Stuff.

Sarah: It’s some hair, OK?

[You’re giving Kay some hair? That’s…hot. Wait, it doesn’t look like you’ve cut your beautiful blonde hair.]

Sarah: Well, I haven’t…

[…But that would mean…SEXY!]

Sarah: Sexy? Brought it back.

Kay: And someday soon, she’ll grow her hair back. And Trey will probably make her cut it again. And hopefully Sarah will need another favor from me. Goddess, I’ve missed you.

Sarah: Ditto. Well, I’m outie. Bye.

[Sarah rubs the banana against poster Jerri’s lips. Fade to black.]

Sarah (Voice): She’s totally slayed. She just doesn’t know it yet.

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Winner’s Temper Tantrum

August 20th, 2008
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Jerri Li

[Jerri Li is stood in front of a Sarah The Jobber Slayer poster hung on the wall. She has her T&A XX Division belt over her shoulder and a sour look on her face.]

Jerri: Jell-O… in a Cell-O?

[She turns and looks into the camera. We can see a man, named Josh E, chained to the wall opposite the Sarah poster.]

Jerri: A new era has arrived in BOB. I have proved I am worth my salt. I defeated the strongest woman in BOB and did it with a smile.

Josh E: You certainly left a bad taste in her mouth.

Jerri: Quiet Josh, your mistress is talking to the nice man with the camera.

Clive: You’re talking to me?

Jerri: Well, not literally.

Clive: Hey, aint you that chick with the Little Mermaid underwear?

[Jerri grinds her teeth together and steam bursts out of her ears.]

Josh E: The kettle’s boiled.

[Jerri turns around and takes the old englsh style kettle off the stove.]

Jerri: I’ll burn you later Josh, this is more important.

Josh E: Hey!

Jerri: Sarah, my mind is filled with agony and pain. If our match wasn’t enough you now have seconds coming to you, and I will torture you to your last breath. You’d be surprised what a girl like me can do with Jell-O.

Josh E: I’d like to see that!

Jerri: I said be quiet!

[Jerri drags Clive by the shirt and forces him to point his camera at the Sarah poster once more.]

Jerri: Sarah, when we are surrounded by steel and covered in wobbly red dessert you will see just how much Jerri Li is capable of.

[Jerri tears the poster into tiny little pieces and jumps up and down on them. The camera fades to black.]

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Wanted.

August 19th, 2008

Axl

[Axl is seen headed toward the same alleyway where Pigeon was left a bloody mess after Triple S led the way. But instead of finding Pigeon, Axl only finds a note…]

“Home is where the heart is, they say…
My heart has left this place.
So have I.

Quoth the Pigeon… It sucks to be poor.”

Viruz

[Axl crumples up the message, and tosses it down upon the rest of the street litter. He turns to Viruz.]

Axl: The bum’s fled this place. But I know he’s still in the city… I can sense it. He’s still looking for pain… punishment… he still wants to prove a point.

Viruz: He wants to impress that crazy bitch, Jerri Li. Personally, I don’t know what he sees in her… I’d never date someone who make’s Angelina Jolie’s bedroom habits look tame by comparison…

Axl: The way I look at it… he doesn’t deserve her. A street urchin like him is just like the litter that floods this alleyway… Ordinary, everyday garbage. And when he meets the two of us, I’m going to make damn good and sure that we take out that piece of trash. He wants pain? He wants torture? Bro, there’s only so much torture the human body can handle… so much damage… so much carnage…

Axl: … Till it breaks.

Axl: And at the next show? I WILL break the Bird. I will destroy him… I will hurt him so bad… WE will… to the point where he loses the ability to walk… to the point where his beloved Jerri will find him useless… Just as he was to the Hierarchy.

Viruz: Jeez, bro. When you get pissed at someone, you really hold a grudge…

Axl: Bro… You know I love you. You know I respect you. But never… EVER… question my judgement. Are we clear?

Viruz: … Sure?

Axl: Good. Now, get on the website, and post a bulletin. I want everyone in the City to know that if they come in contact with Pigeon, that I want them to treat him with the same level of mercy that their King would.

Axl: None.

> > > Hierarchy’s MySpace Page … Bulletin for August 18th < < < "Attention citizens. Be on the lookout for a disheveled street walker, with long hair, wearing a black kilt. Goes by the moniker "Pigeon". Wanted for crimes against the Hierarchy. If found, do not capture. Do not kill. Instead, use any force you may to leave this individual on the verge of serious injury. But leave him in good enough condition to compete in his final match in BoB... against the King and his Trusted Advisor at the upcoming BoB On-Demand event. All citizens who participate in the bruising of this begger will be rewarded handsomely for their services. That is all. - Vi" > > > hours later < < < ? ? ? : Hmmm... [A hand is seen grabbing a "Wanted" poster from off a Sinister City store wall... The hand leads to a body... that of Sinister City's most famous car salesman, as well as most hated bigot, Big Uncle Sam Alabaster.] [U.S.A. stares at the poster, with the words reprinted from Viruz' message on the Hierarchy MySpace...] U.S.A. : Hm. Well, well, well. I do declare... seems as if I've got another customer, even if I do say so myself, heheheh... U.S.A. : Oh you nasty little bird you... you're about to find yourself on the wrong end of the Big Unc's front tahrs, and when I'm done with ya? You're gonna be beaten down worse than those damn Iraqians at the hands of this good nation's finest men and women! But mostly men. U.S.A. : Praise America... Praise U.S.A.!!! [The big man drops the poster to the ground... as the camera fades out on Pigeon's face... the face of a man headed for a long, long few weeks...] |the|

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