Posts Tagged ‘fantasy wrestling’

The Gyant Report: ThreatDown!

December 12th, 2008
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Kobe Gyant

A giant logo fills the screen. It’s so big you can’t even read it all, unless by some fluke you have Kobe’s huge television, but that would be impossible because that would mean you ARE Kobe. But I digress… The words The Gyant Report are in gold over a purply background. Fade into Kobe Gyant, who is seated behind a non-descript desk as deafening cheers are heard, so deafening you’d think they were recorded at a football stadium, but no, Kobe is just a giant draw for random unpaid studio audiences. He is styling in a gray wool cap, gray suit jacket, gray scarf, and a beige vest over his #99 Los Santos basketball jersey. Because, you know, he’s a rookie indy wrestler and high school basketball legend, so he’s loaded and can afford fancy outfits, you know.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Welcome back to “The Gyant Report” everyone. I don’t want to scare you, but I have to. This is the ThreatDown!

A graphic pops up on the screen with a countdown screen and a siren blaring in the background. As we return to Kobe, a picture of American Panda is seen over his left shoulder.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Threat number 3: Bears! Specifically, American Panda, the BOB’s latest substar. When I first heard about American Panda, I thought, great. We’re finally sticking it to China by having some guy steal their culture while wrestling in a panda suit. But no. It’s an actual panda, people! On one episode of iMPLOSION, he ate Luke Warm. He’s been farting Texan for weeks, stinking up the whole locker room.

This godless killing machine wants to eat my jugular at MegaBrawl II. Now I understand there is a bamboo shortage, but still, I say no, sir. My blood may taste like the finest wine, but you will never get the pleasure of tasting Kobe Vintage 2008. Unless you somehow magically transform into a super hot vampiress with huge gazungas, I don’t neck with men. In conclusion, just like the Atlanta Zoo can no longer afford it’s panda cam, The BOB cannot afford to have American Panda main eventing for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS.

A picture of Kurt Angel now appears over Kobe’s left shoulder.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Threat number 2: Angels! No, I’m not talking about K-Rod going to the Mets. I’m talking about one specific Angel. The BOB’s Kurt Angel. Angels are supposed to be messengers of God, while this man appears to be a messenger of that dude from “Pineapple Express”. And trust me, Seth Rogan is not god. If he were, he would’ve gotten Elizabeth Banks to get butt naked in “Zack and Miri make a Porno.”

And Kurt, contrary to what old black and white movies will tell you, it’s not every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings. It’s every time a bell rings, an Angel gets defeated by Kobe Gyant, son! You ain’t gonna be the number one contender for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. And speaking of non-contenders…

A picture of The Great replaces Kurt’s picture over Kobe’s left shoulder.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Threat number one: The Great. Oh yes, Kobe Gyant has looked over your past Rants, The Great. This is a man who has done more doping than the entire Minnesota Vikings defensive line combined! And yet the people cheer this man? Well, The Great, they won’t be cheering you once they see you as the little man you are when compared to Kobe Gyant in the spotlight at the biggest show of them all, MegaBrawl II, son. You’re gonna go down harder than every Denver Broncos running back this year combined with every Spinal Tap drummer ever.

Kobe reaches under the desk.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

There’s more talent in one of my brand new Kobe V.V. (Kobe says Version Five, not two V’s) shoes, now available from shoe gyant Ekin, at stores nationwide that carry the awesome Ekin brand. The Great, you’re about to face an All Star and see first hand why you’re just a bench warmer. Kobe Gyant is gonna lay some voodoo down on you.

Now Kobe brings up a tennis racket from under his desk.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

I’ma sell this bad boy on eBay after it’s covered in blood from me bashing your head in with it, then I’ma sign it, and I’ll be rich, bitch! Just keep hangin’ with that dude who thinks he’s black. You about to feel some real black power. And that’s the wørd. Oh wait. Wrong rip-off. Peace! From the next ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS Kobe space Gyant period! Good night.

Cue closing credits.

Kobe Gyant

Written By
Kobe Gyant

Produced By
Kobe Gyant

©2008 Face/Heel Partners Unlimited

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Results from BOB’s Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION! 12

October 9th, 2008
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-The show kicked off with several former BOBsters, including Nic Flare, D-Van Drudley, Rubba Ray Drudley, Rob Van Spam, and Super Gluey, who had apparently won a “free chainsaw.” Little did they know what they had really won. A Sin City Chainsaw Massacre!

American Panda had a successful BOB debut as he defeated…make that DEVOURED, the Thirstiest S.O.B. in BOB, Luke Warm.

-Post-match, Axl arrived to dish out some punishment to American Panda with several wicked bamboo shots to the masked panda’s skull. Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, BOB’s Acting Vice President in Charge of Everything, arrived to confront Axl and challenge him to a Loser Leaves BOB match!

-Technical difficulties prevented us from visiting the Scrabble game backstage between Steve Studnuts, The Great, “XFactor” Pete Trable, Death and “Stupendous” Stephen Hawking. The scores will determine the entry in next week’s Scrabble Scramble Swiss Army Belt Match!

Kamikazie Ken and Insano Mano picked up a DQ victory over the Fetish Freaks’ Scatman and Tentacle Beast. The post-match assault by the Freaks was apparently to disgusting to make it on the air.

XamfARRR provided us some literary greatness in the form of two future BOBsters, The Wizard and Thomas Largeman. Fingerbang XXX (XXXtreme Machine and Snapmare Kid) arrived and accidentally set the set on fire.

-And in the main event, Dr. Silaconne M. Plants defeated Axl with a Med Degree, which means Axl is now GONE from BOB.

Check out Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION! #12!

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BOB Wrestling Presents: Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION! #12!

October 3rd, 2008
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This Wednesday, Brawlers On a Budget returns to G5 TV with Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION! #12 as we get closer to our next BOB-On-Demand event, October Surprise. has received the following information regarding Wednesday’s iMPLOSION from BOB’s Acting Vice President In Charge of Everything Dr. Silaconne M. Plants:

-Swiss Army Belt champion Steve Studnuts, The Great, Death, XFactor Pete Trable, and “Stupendous” Stephen Hawking will compete in a game of Scrabble as part of the Swiss Army Belt Scrabble Scramble Match. On iMPLOSION 13, Studnuts will defend his title against these four other brawlers. But on iMPLOSION 12, the Scrabble game will determine the order in which all five competitors will enter the gauntlet style match for the title shot. Highest score enters last, lowest score enters first.

Here are the updated rules: The match will last 20 minutes. There are two ways to win. Either A. You pin every other competitor in the match before the 20 minute time limit expires (i.e., Studnuts would have to pin The Great, Death, Trable, and Hawking before time expires), or B. Score the last pin in the match. There are no DQs or countouts. Also, just confirmed: football players from the Sin City Icons of the FBL will be at ringside making Scrambled Eggs for use as weapons. This one will no doubt get egg-treme!

Luke Warm has demanded it, and he’s got it. He will face American Panda, who makes his Brawlers On a Budget wrestling debut!

-Also making their wrestling debut will be the Fetish Freaks’ Scatman and Tentacle Beast as they face BOB veterans Kamikazie Ken and Insano Mano. Ken has been having some problems with Pretty Boy, Kid Pirate‘s parrot, of late. Will Pretty Boy risk getting its beak dirty in this one?

Plus, SMP promises a very special main event that you won’t want to miss! What could it be?

-And will we find out who bought the Beer in the Belly case? Trey Vincent indicated that he sold it on iMPLOSION 11. Could we see it cashed in?

All this, and possibly less on the next Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION!

(Card subject to bait-and-switch)

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BOB Wrestling Presents: Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION! #11!

September 26th, 2008
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This Wednesday, Brawlers On a Budget returns to G5 TV with Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION! #11 as we get closer to our next BOB-On-Demand event, October Surprise. has received the following information regarding Wednesday’s iMPLOSION from BOB Vice President In Charge of Everything Trey Vincent:

-In six man action, you’ll see Kid Pirate, Coma and Hallucination Boy team up to face Seth Harker, Insano Mano and Kamikazie Ken!

Kobe Gyant is looking for revenge on the 4 Steelchairs after what happened at Running On Empty, and will go one on one with Black Chair!

-BOB needs a number one contender for the Swiss Army Belt. So, to sort this out, The Great and “Stupendous” Steve Hawking will face off in a number one contenders match.

Jerri Li made a shocking return from beyond last week. Will we learn more about her new stable of “Fetish Freaks”? And does Jerri still hold a grudge against Sarah “The Jobber Slayer,” the woman who defeated her for the T&A XX Division Title?

Plus, American Panda seems to be gunning for Axl. Meanwhile, Axl has a chance of a lifetime to face Trey Vincent for the Beer In The Belly on iMPLOSION 12 if he can come up with $50. Can he do it? Or will American Panda eat him before he can find the cash?

All this, and possibly less on the next Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION!

(Card subject to bait-and-switch)

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BOB Wrestling’s Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION! #10 Results!

September 25th, 2008
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Lots of doings a’ transpiring in Brawlers On A Budget after last night’s Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION! #10 as we get closer to our next On-Demand event, October Surprise.

Here’s what you can see if you go now:

Steve Studnuts and Death battle for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS in a cage! Is there a new champion, or was BOB’s Grand Slam Champion able to hold onto all his titles?

Zombie Mr. Fantastic puts the moves on a married zombie. Are we going to have to call in Joey Greco and the “Cheaters” team soon?

-SNORE GAMES: The Match Be-Yawn will return at October Surprise! Find out who the teams will be!

-A former T&A XX Division Champion made a shocking return. Who was it? I’m not telling. Go read!

American Panda gives its first exclusive interview to Mike Monroe. Wow, how’d we get that scoop?

Misty Waters, star of the new softcore straight-to-DVD “Lickyou Terrace,” battles with reigning T&A XX Division Champion Sarah “The Jobber Slayer.” Can the porn queen pull an upset?

Luke Warm and Axl go one on one. Can the Hierarchy overcome the thirstiest S.O.B. in BOB?

Trey Vincent extends an offer to Axl that he can’t refuse…unless Axl can’t come up with $50. What happened? You’ll have to watch it to find out!

Are you ready to Cross The Lame?

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BOB Wrestling Presents: Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION 10!

September 16th, 2008
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Next Wednesday, Brawlers On a Budget returns to G5 TV with Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION! #10 in the aftermath of Running On Empty. has received the following information regarding Wednesday’s iMPLOSION from BOB Vice President In Charge of Everything Trey Vincent:

-The number one contender for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS, Death, is cashing in his title shot against Steve Studnuts. Further, Death has demanded after what happened at Running On Empty that it be held in the confines of a steel cage! Will we see a new ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS?

Sarah “The Jobber Slayer” the new T&A XX Division Champion, will also be in action in a non-title match against Misty Waters. Has Sarah seen the last of long-time foe Jerri Li?

-In other action, you will also see Axl go one-on-one with Luke Warm!

-Plus, BOB will unveil the main event for it’s next On-Demand event, October Surprise!

All this, and possibly less on the next Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION!

(Card subject to bait-and-switch)

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Tiki Voodoo

September 14th, 2008
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Zombie Mr. Fantastic

Clive: No no no no!

[A crew are fixing a ceiling fan into a set made to look like a tiki hut.]

Clive: BOB can’t afford this.

Chuck: But it needs a tropical look.

Clive: We can’t blow our money on this stuff.

[Clive shows the crew members through the door just as Zombie Mr. Fantastic stumbles into the room.]

Clive: This had better have my sides splitting or I’m off the set, you can find yourself another cameraman.

Mr. Fantastic: Grrrrrrrr.

Clive: Don’t take that tone with me.

[Mr. Fantastic looks just about ready to eat Clive’s face when the slutty Hawaiian girls walk into the room.]

Clive: Finally, at least we can tie this together now before Mr. Fantastic here covers the place with maggots. Get yourself a new suit man, there’s more holes than swiss cheese in that thing.

Mr. Fantastic: Grrrrrrr.

Clive: I’m losing my mind. I only took this job to get my foot in the door and I’ve been a cameraman fot this stinking place for nearly ten years.

Slutty Hawaiian girl#1: Hey, wimpy, we’re here in the flesh so can we just get this over with?

Slutty Hawaiian girl#2: Yeah, this guy smells like he threw up on himself.

Clive: I think he did.

Slutty Hawaiian girls: Ewww!

Clive: Ok, Mr. Fantastic you put this Hawaiian shirt and sunglasses on and sit in the bamboo chair whilst the girls hula around. Girls, I think you should use baby oil liberally to keep the fans watching… from the looks of how much of his jaw he’s last I think it’s fair to say there wont be any ranting wizardry.

[Mr. Fantastic puts on the shirt and sunglasses, poking himself in the eye a few times before reaching success. He sits in the chair and the girls start to dance.]

Mr. Fantastic: Sn… apmare Kid… when the… splash… comes…

Clive: No no no, you already fought him.

Zombie Mr. Fantastic: Me win?

Clive: No you didn’t win, you oaf.

Mr. Fantastic: Who me fight next?

Clive: How the hell should I know? Just spout some garbage about how you’re going to take over BOB or some other nonsense.

Mr. Fantastic: BOB… Zombie Mr. Fantastic will take you over. Grrrrrrrr. When the splash comes… BOB… you will be… wiped out.

Clive: Ok ok, stop it there. Just get up and dance around with the girls and drink some rum out of that glass.

[Mr. Fantastic does so, making drunk uncles at weddings everywhere look like Fred Astaire.

Clive: God this is terrible, I worked my fingers to the bone making this set and this is all I get?

Slutty Hawaiian girl#1: This is kinda shit.

Cive: You took the words right out of my mouth. Ok Mr. Fantastic, this is a failed operation. Just go back to robbing graves or eating people’s faces or whatever the hell it is you do. This rant will get a lot more viewers if we just film the slutty girls.

Slutty Hawaiian girls: Hey!

[As he leaves the set Mr. Fantastic passes the crew members. He rips out their throats with his teeth before indeed eating their faces. Some zombies never change.]

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Yo Quiero Heart Transplant!

September 10th, 2008
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“This is where it all begins.”

“The long, hard road to rediscovery.”

“The place where I finally decide to stare down the face of countless filth…”

“… so I may take their punishment…”

“… the pain… the sweet, sweet pain…”

"Thank them… and ask for more."

“This is the beginning…”

“… the end is nowhere in sight.”

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

[Pigeon steps through the front door of “Doc Taco’s All You Can Eat Mexican Buffet and Regional Hospital”. The floor is caked in mildew… littered with the crumbs of taco shells long forgotten… stained with the urine of those who were just too damn lazy to find the bathroom. The walls… covered with framed pictures of enchiladas, tosdadas, and bygone specials of the day. The smell is thick… Tainted beef. Rotten tomatoes. Moldy cheese. And the disgusting stench permeating from the operation room…]

Doc Taco: Ah, mucho better-o, senor U.S.A.! Hows do joo t’ink joo feeling?

U.S.A. : …

Doc Taco: Oh sheeet… he is dead, I’m t’inking. Maybe that last time I was being stuffing his mouth with chili peppers, to try and reccusitate him… maybe not such the good idea, ci?

U.S.A. : …

Doc Taco: Aw well. Hee’z parts should make good tacos! I am being out of good taco meat. Good thing he muchos, muchos fatso! Dees medical gig sure do make for mui beuno way to provide customers with spicy mexicano food! And toes.

[Suddenly, the door to the operation room bursts open, Pigeon storms in, and the Bird of Prey blasts the good doc with a bedpan, splitting him open, and spilling blood from his forehead. The doctor falls backward, ontop of the now deceased Uncle Sam Alabaster, as the examining bed slides backward.]


… Evermore.

[Doc Taco tries to sit up, but Pigeon picks up a needle filled with tranquilizer… and stabs the doctor in the forehead, close to the waterfall of cascading blood. Taco becomes woozy… before his eyes roll into the back of his skull, and he falls backward, sliding off of U.S.A., and to the hospital / resteraunt floor. Pigeon drops the needle to the floor, and smiles sickly…]

Pigeon: Welcome… to the Bio-Dome.

[Pigeon flaps his arms, leaving the building… with Doc Taco unconcious, but still with the message to his fellow citizens lodged in his mind.]

[Pigeon is coming for the Hierarchy.]

[And their time is Running on Empty.]


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September 5th, 2008

[A pan of eggs are frying in a pan. Sizzling like a hot summer day. Captain Rubbish stumbles drunkenly through the door, wearing a leather jacket and smelling of fish, dried up superglue and burnt rubber. He grabs the pan by the handle and smacks it against his head repeatedly before looking into the camera.]

Captain Rubbish: Brawlers on the Budget! Captain Rubbish is my name and I am the most hardcore wrestler you will ever have step in your squared circle dude.

[He licks one of the eggs out of the scalding hot oil to prove his point.]

Captain Rubbish: XXXtreme Machine, Mr. Intensity, Violent Pacifist… they aint got nothing on me brother, and I will prove it any time I step into that ring, shine up my fist real good, and punch, kick and brainbuster my way to the top! You might only have a hardcore title for women, but I will prove myself to the millions and billions of BOB fans that I am the most hardcore wrestler to ever step foot in a Brawlers on the Budget ring.

[He slams the microwave door on his head a few times, rubs a hot iron on his face and tries to climb into the washing machine before the camera fades to static.]

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Back in the Saddle?

August 27th, 2008

Dr. Silaconne M. Plants

[Dr. Silaconne M. Plants is in a non descript location, in front of non descript characters, doing non descript things.

Actually, he has an agenda. Since it’s been roughly 2 1/2 years since his last promo, he wants to come back with a vengeance.

He practices. He memorizes lines. He adds slight movements with his hands and legs to his delivery. He plays a ukelele. He jumps through a flaming hoop. He plays “Go Fish” with a deck of Candy Cantelopes cards. He finds a Native American and gives him a gift, then takes it back to give that old moniker a legitimate double meaning.

He talks for 25 minutes, then looks to the group of lookers-on. You know, those non descript ones.]

SMP: So, what did you think?

-It was too long. (Yes, these people are the penultimate non descript of non descriptedness. They don’t even get name abbreviated initials.

-Shorten it and make it funny.

SMP: Okay!

[12 minutes later.]

-Much better!

-I liked it!

SMP: So, did you like it?

-Yes, it was good.

SMP: Did you really like it?

-We said we liked it.

SMP: Really! You really liked it?

-Hey dude, are you related to Sally Field?

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