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Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION! 19 Results!

April 9th, 2009
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SIN CITY – Death and You Gotta Be Kidding Me I Ain’t Doing That, Are You Out of Your Frickin’ Mind T&A XX Division Hardcore Champion Hamster Girl went “6 Rounds” in a memorable You Gotta Be Kidding Me I Ain’t Doing That, Are You Out of Your Frickin’ Mind T&A XX Division Hardcore Title match on Brawlers On a Budget’s Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION! #19. But in the end, Hamster Girl successfully defended her title against Big Bony with a little help from her manager.

Hamster Girl’s manager, Sammy Stoner, gave Hamster Girl a “leg up” and caused Death to fall out of a helicopter in the final “challenge,” a Last Entity Not Thrown Out of a Helicopter Match. Death tried to steal the win with some help from fellow Entities of Destruction members Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS, Kid Pirate, the Swiss Army Champion and Acting BigBOSS, and Steel Chair. However, Kobe Gyant and Joe Bananas (along with Red Chair and Black Chair) made the save, as the feud between Gyant Bananas and the EOD continues to intensify.

Hamster Girl’s other challenges this night included not getting her title belt stolen, tongue wrestling XXXtreme Machine in an elevator for 20 floors, kissing Scatman‘s feces-covered tushy, finding a certain room in the hotel containing a photograph of her beltnapped belt, and eating a plate full of evil German peanut butter and jelly sandwiches!

Not Good Enough to Fight Alone Tag Team Champions The Great & “XFactor” Pete Trable defeated Steve Studnuts and Christian St. Christian, after Christian turned out to be Executive Producer Trey Vincent in disguise. Vincent unmasked after delivering a Coming Down on his former buddy, and setting up Studnuts for a Twist of Great for the pin. Vincent then also got some revenge on referee Vicky Jean, hitting her with a Shocking Conclusion before ripping off her top!

Throughout the night, footage of Scotty Whatbody “training” (some might call it “torturing”) Axl to prepare him for his next match, a Great American Bash In Axl’s Skull Match, on the next iMPLOSION! Numerous chair shots, hot rocks, broken glass, thumbtacks, a “cat fight” in pudding, and watching “One Night In Chyna” are just a few things Scotty cooked up for Axl’s training sessions in Sinister City to toughen him up!

Kobe Gyant & Joe Bananas defeated Jerri Li & Viet Kong in a Vietnamese Deathmatch. If you like blood and barbed wire, then this is the match for you! Well, as much as G5TV would allow us to do, anyway.

The night began with the Entities of Destruction celebrating SMP’s successful ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS defense in the March Mayhem 2009 tournament. Gyant came out to confront SMP, and also try to stir up some trouble within the group, before Viet Kong (and his manager “Charlie”) made his return to BOB after a long absence. Bananas came to the rescue of his partner, however, and Kong ended up taking a ride off the plank through a stack of flaming tables that mysteriously appeared!

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MegaBrawl II Preview!

December 2nd, 2008
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It’s beginning to look at lot like MegaBrawl II! Yes, Brawlers On a Budget’s biggest show of the year, MegaBrawl II, rolls into Sin City Stadium Dec. 13. Here’s what you can expect to see on the great-grandson of them all…

It’s A Wonderful Curtain Jerker Battle Royal! Yes, the winner of this one will get a shot at the Swiss Army Belt sometime down the line. The following BOBsters are scheduled to appear in this match: Little Good, Pigeon, Pretty Boy, Snapmare Kid, Tia Tar, XFactor Pete Trable, and XXXtreme Machine!

Then, two team are dreaming of a title shot for the Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Tag Team Titles, but only one can wrap up the win as The Wizard and Thomas Largeman battle Steel Chair and his apprentice The Human Foreign Object!

Then, it’s a nightmare before Christmas for feuding brothers Axl and Viruz, who are set to go one on one in a Anywhere "Anywhere Is" Is Playing Match.

Insano Mano and Kamikazie Ken have sure been naughty to nice guys Coma and Hallucination Boy. What to do? Rakes On a Plane! Yes siree, we’re gonna send these four guys up on an airplane filled with rakes and let them settle the score.

Is Zombie Mr. Fantastic the grinch who stole Death‘s wife, Katie? Perhaps, but Death and Zombie Mr. Fantastic will finally have it out at MegaBrawl II in a grudge match!

Two men will be walking in a planky wonderland, as Seth Harker puts up his Acting BigBOSSship against Kid Pirate in a Walk the Plank Match!

If all you want for Christmas is some T&A, well then you’re in luck, because Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" will defend her T&A XX Division Title against Jerri Li in a Bra & Panties Soap Suds Match! Ho ho ho!

Joy to the world, a new ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS number one contender is come! But who will it be? Kurt Angel, The Great, Kobe Gyant, or American Panda?

Violent night, holy (shit) night, in the main event, EVERYTHING is on the line as Steve Studnuts defends the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS and his half of the Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Tag Team Titles against Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, who is also putting the Swiss Army Belt and HIS half of the Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Tag Team Titles. The match will be a Nicolas Cage Match, which means various Nicolas Cage DVDs will be hung on the cage and available for use as weapons in the match! Also, SMP has agreed to put his CAREER on the line, so if he loses, he’s done in BOB!

It should be an unforgettable event! Don’t miss it! Send us your money now!

(Card subject to bait-and-switch)

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Brawlers On a Budget’s Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION! #14 Results!

October 30th, 2008
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RESULTS FROM BRAWLERS ON A BUDGET’S TOTAL NON-ACTION WRESTLING iMPLOSION! #14

-The final Brawlers On a Budget show before October Surprise kicked off with Seth Harker being ambushed by Kid Pirate, who had cleverly hidden a net with leaves in a hallway. Pirate demanded a “Walk The Plank” match with Harker at MegaBrawl II and to put his job as Acting BigBOSS on the line. Harker had no choice but to accept, unless he wanted to keep getting poked in the arse with KP’s sword.

-We then found the Fetish Freaks in a bathroom, where Scatman appeared to be on acid. Jerri Li decided that she’d like to see Christian St. Christian take on Scatman at October Surprise in a hardcore snowball fight.

-BOB welcomed the offensive players from the Sin City Icons of the FBL to the ballroom prior to the main (and only) event of iMPLOSION. BOB’s own Trey Vincent owns the Icons.

-Acting Vice President in Charge of Everything Dr. Silaconne M. Plants made a change to the Fetish Freaks’ hardcore snowball fight idea, telling the Fetish Freaks that they wouldn’t face each other, but instead two former BOBsters. Who will the mystery team be? Find out at October Surprise!

-In a main event shocker, SMP prevailed in the Swiss Army Belt Scrabble Scramble Match by getting the final pin of the 20-minute match on BOB’s Grand Slam Champion, Steve Studnuts! Death, The Great, and “XFactor” Pete Trable also participated in the match. SMP replaced “Stupendous” Steve Hawking, who was pushed down a stairwell last week by a mystery assailant. Also during the match, Vincent appeared and provoked the football players. We still don’t know where Vincent is. Possibly the proctologist trying to get a frying pan out of his backside.

-Post-match, new Swiss Army champ SMP had one final surprise as we head into October Surprise: we learned the main event of MegaBrawl II will be SMP vs. Studnuts for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS, Swiss Army Belt, and Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Tag Team Titles!

Check out Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION! #14!

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BOB Wrestling Presents: Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION! #13

October 15th, 2008
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This Wednesday, Brawlers On a Budget returns to G5 TV with Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION! #13, the final stop before our next BOB-On-Demand event, October Surprise.

BOBWrestling.com has received the following information regarding Wednesday’s iMPLOSION from BOB’s Acting Vice President In Charge of Everything Dr. Silaconne M. Plants:

Kid Pirate takes on Zombie Mr. Fantastic!

Kobe Gyant + Al U-Minium Ladder team up to take on Steel Chair + Red Chair in a preview of Snore Games at October Surprise!

-Plus, Jerri Li takes on Kay Fabe!

-And in the main event, Swiss Army Belt champion Steve Studnuts defends against The Great, Death, XFactor Pete Trable, and "Stupendous" Stephen Hawking in a Swiss Army Belt Scrabble Scramble Match. Here are the rules for the match: The match will last 20 minutes. The order of entry is as follows: XFactor Pete Trable, Death, The Great, Steve Studnuts, "Stupendous" Stephen Hawking.

There are two ways to win. Either A. You pin every other competitor in the match before the 20 minute time limit expires (i.e., Studnuts would have to pin The Great, Death, Trable, and Hawking before time expires), or B. Score the last pin in the match. There are no DQs or countouts. Also, just confirmed: football players from the Sin City Icons of the FBL will be at ringside making Scrambled Eggs for use as weapons. This one will no doubt get egg-treme!

-Also now that Axl is gone from BOB, what does that mean for Viruz‘s future? And what will American Panda‘s reaction be to the brutal assault last week at the hands of Axl?

-And will we find out who bought the Beer in the Belly case? Trey Vincent indicated that he sold it on iMPLOSION 11. Could we see it cashed in?

All this, and possibly less on the next Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION!

(Card subject to bait-and-switch)

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Greatest…day…ever?

October 13th, 2008
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Dr. Silaconne M. Plants

[Dr. Silaconne M.Plants is sitting at his desk, his feet propped up on it, at one of augmentation clinics avoiding paperwork as per usual. His phone rings.]

SMP: “Titties’ R Us”, a subsidiary of “A Girl’s Breast Friend”, this is Doctor Plants, may I help you?

[He pauses to listen.]

SMP: No, I can’t guarantee my work.

[He pauses again.]

SMP: Did I once have a patient of mine’s boobie resemble Dolph Lundgren’s haircut in Rocky IV after I, umm… augmentationed her? Total urban legend, I assure you.

[More pausing.]

SMP: You’ll pay more with them. And I HAVE gotten better, you know? Huh? That’s not a lie. Hardly no complaints for weeks.

[He listens some more.]

SMP: Listen lady, I only took this call to pass as a promo since I’m always getting clowned for not doing any. But that’s fine, if you want to go to “Fun Bags 4 Less” that’s up to you. It’s your dime. If you want to pay out the whazoo mcdaniel for a poor boob job I can do at half the price that’s totally your call.

[He holds the phone from his ear as yelling can be heard from inside it. After a few moments, he places it back to his face.]

SMP: Perfectly fine with me. I hope they fall off! *hangs up*

Nurse Heidi

[As Plants props his feet up again, and oddly grins for seemingly no reason, Nurse Heidi walks in carrying several envelopes and a wrapped package in the shape of a video cassette.]

NH: Hi Sil. Hey, what’s with you? I overheard your call. How can you be happy? I thought losing potential customers drove you nearly Benoit.

SMP: This is, without a doubt, the most wonderful day ever. On the heels of !MPLOSION! 12, I must be the happiest man alive. For one, Luke Warm, one of my on-again-off-again most bitter rivals is out of the promotion. That’s right, the Thirstiest S.O.B. in BOB is gone forever having been eaten by a panda bear, and two, I ended the career of the Gay-i-est F.A.G. in BOB the old fashioned way on the same night… by simply kicking his ass. Couple that by being the Acting VP in Charge of Everything in BOB, how could I possibly be bothered by ANYTHING remotely considered a downer?

NH: Yeah, that was sad what happened to Luke. I’m going to miss him.

SMP: Well I’m not!

NH: Are you serious? I thought you guys were friends now.

SMP: What? No way! Let me go on record as saying I have nothing to do with Luke Warm, if for no other reason than to avoid being eaten alive by association. Whose dumb idea was it to hire a panda to wrestle in BOB anyway? He could kill us all! Which reminds me, I wonder if while I’m acting VPiCoE if I can book douja for a one shot deal against American Panda. I mean, it wouldn’t be like I killed him, right?

NH: Speaking of killing people, look who’s talking, chainsaw boy. I can’t believe you did that to those jobbers. Especially poor SuperGluey. He wasn’t as sticky as everyone thought he was. *ahem* Uh-rah…*blushes* Never mind.

SMP: Hold on a minute, I didn’t do anything to those guys. If you read closely, I was clean as a whistle when I walked out of there.

NH: Whatever! I still think it was horrible.

SMP: Horrible was having those guys on the roster. Nic Flare? Pfffft! Those guys had to meet CHAINSAW MEAT HOOK SODOMY OF UNSPEAKABLE TERROR. Man, I loved those descriptions! Whoever came up with those is a pure genius! I just wish I was more hands on with that, because I wasn’t, you know?

NH: Well, what about Axl then? You’re certainly responsible for that. I mean, I know the guy was a butthole and all, but ending his career? At least he tried to compete.

SMP: He had to go. That chump was becoming Neige Fourteen! Seriously, he wanted to turn BOB into an angle fed, where we write our own matches and do our own storylines. He would have become unbeatable with that kind of stroke. He’d have pushed himself to the moon and the matches would have become very boring, like those UnFed matches. That guy was a loser, is a loser, and will always be a LOSER. I should have invited him to the chainsaw give-away! What was I thinking?

[SMP contemplates his gaffe.]

SMP: Oh well, I don’t have to worry about him anymore. Puh-lease… Angle fed? I’m glad it didn’t come to that, he’d have become the ultimate abuse of power!

NH: Really? Just him? So what’s that in front of YOU then?

[The camera zooms in on a piece of paper in front of SMP that’s titled “MEGABRAWL II MAIN EVENT.”]

SMP: Oh this? It’s nothing, nothing at all. Just a little something for somebody I plan on having a little fun with, by ummm…. “doctoring” his contract for MEGABRAWL.

NH: Mmm-hmm. You’re not doing what I think you’re doing are you?

SMP: Hey now, I’m only AVPiCoE for two weeks. Time is a factor. I have to act now while that acting’s good. They don’t call me the “Dirtiest Boobie Enhancer in Wrestling Today®” for nothing. I was the king of a land with no people once before, why not do it twice?

NH: You’re going to put your name on that contract, aren’t you?

SMP: Of course not! *looks around nervously* You’re not going to tell anybody, right?

NH: You’re despicable!

SMP: Can you say that again, but just like Daffy Duck this time?

NH: No, absolutely not. By the way, here’s your mail.

[She shoves a stack of envelopes at him. He begins sorting though the pile.]

SMP: Bill.*throws it on the floor* Bill.*throws it on the floor* Bill.*throws it on the floor* Bill. I’ll pay that one next week.*throws it on the floor* Bill.*throws it on the floor* Bill.*throws it on the floor* Bill.*throws it on the floor* Bill? What’s this? They’re charging ME for that fancy sign I wore on my chest for the !MPLOSION! 12 splash? *opens the envelope* 27 bucks?! Are you kidding me?

NH: Here’s more bad news, this one is from Steve Studnuts.

[She hands him the wrapped package.]

SMP: It looks like a video cassette.

[He opens it, sure enough, it’s a video. He reads the label.]

SMP: “Heidi’s Anatomy”? It must be a documentary or maybe a medical training seminar. Good! I could use this!

NH: HEY! THAT’S FOR ME!

[She grabs the tape and runs off.]

SMP: What are you doing? I read Steve’s promo when he sent that like two months ago. I’ve been waiting for that! HEY! Come back!

[SMP doesn’t try to chase her. He simply sits back at his desk and props his feet up.]

SMP: Damn post office. They’re getting as slow and lazy as my handler lately.

[SMP yells at Heidi, who’s probably half way across town by now, followed by a stream of video tape from a disemboweled casette.]

SMP: If there’s any augmentation tips on there, please let me know! Oh well, I’ll see her later…

[He opens another letter and begins to read.]

SMP: Latest from MB:

Also, do you know if Dave still wants to write Nitro, or did he tell you he didn’t want be involved? He’s either not been on messanger in a while, or he’s blocked me…

It seems like every time I try to do better, I manage to screw it up. Now even Dave seems to dislike me. I guess ending my “career” with e-mail rp’s and no ooc pretty much serves me right for all the things I’ve done wrong in my past 8 years of fedding.

And trust me, I’m not being facetious. It’s just… every time I think I’m going to be able to change, it ends up lasting only a few seconds… and then everything goes back in the shitter.

I don’t think things are ever going to look up.

[SMP looks around the room, his eyes darting left and right as his cheeks balloon from the impending explosion.]

SMP: BWAAAAAAAAAA HAAAAAAAAAAAAA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! OH… MY…. GOD! BWAAAAA HAAA! My sides hurt! They’re splitting! BWAAAAAAAAA HAAAAAAAAAAA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

[Fade out to SMPROTFLHFAO.]

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The Stand In

September 16th, 2008
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Jerri Li

[The woman paid to play Jerri Li, after the real one was eaten by Zombie Mr. Fantastic, is sat on a man bound to a chair as a piece of human furniture. Clive is there, because I’ve run out of imagination, along with a man named Hans who is acting as sadomasochistic adviser for the promo.]

Hans: Now, Jerri…

Jerri: My name’s Christie.

Clive: You’ve got to answer to Jerri or this will never be believable.

Jerri: But I don’t want to play this evil bitch, I just want to watch reruns of Xena: Warrior Princess.

[Hans motions with his hands in front of his chest, which either means something or he wishes he had big boobs.]

Hans: You’e going to need a lot of heart here Jerri, this man is here to take your abuse. You have to be cruel to be kind. There is an arrangement of weapons, tools and rusty metal over there and you have free reign.

Jerri: Why can’t BOB change her gimmick to, like, a girl who likes putting on makeup and shopping all the time?

[Hans covers his face and walks over to the weapons pit. He picks up a circular saw and angrilly thrusts it into Jerri’s hands.]

Jerri (shrieking): Holy shit! Get it away from me! Oh my gosh!

Hans: Clive, this is going to take a lot of work.

[Hans slaps the human furniture man across the face himself, making his nose bleed. Jerri faints at the sight of blood.]

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Tiki Voodoo

September 14th, 2008
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Zombie Mr. Fantastic

Clive: No no no no!

[A crew are fixing a ceiling fan into a set made to look like a tiki hut.]

Clive: BOB can’t afford this.

Chuck: But it needs a tropical look.

Clive: We can’t blow our money on this stuff.

[Clive shows the crew members through the door just as Zombie Mr. Fantastic stumbles into the room.]

Clive: This had better have my sides splitting or I’m off the set, you can find yourself another cameraman.

Mr. Fantastic: Grrrrrrrr.

Clive: Don’t take that tone with me.

[Mr. Fantastic looks just about ready to eat Clive’s face when the slutty Hawaiian girls walk into the room.]

Clive: Finally, at least we can tie this together now before Mr. Fantastic here covers the place with maggots. Get yourself a new suit man, there’s more holes than swiss cheese in that thing.

Mr. Fantastic: Grrrrrrr.

Clive: I’m losing my mind. I only took this job to get my foot in the door and I’ve been a cameraman fot this stinking place for nearly ten years.

Slutty Hawaiian girl#1: Hey, wimpy, we’re here in the flesh so can we just get this over with?

Slutty Hawaiian girl#2: Yeah, this guy smells like he threw up on himself.

Clive: I think he did.

Slutty Hawaiian girls: Ewww!

Clive: Ok, Mr. Fantastic you put this Hawaiian shirt and sunglasses on and sit in the bamboo chair whilst the girls hula around. Girls, I think you should use baby oil liberally to keep the fans watching… from the looks of how much of his jaw he’s last I think it’s fair to say there wont be any ranting wizardry.

[Mr. Fantastic puts on the shirt and sunglasses, poking himself in the eye a few times before reaching success. He sits in the chair and the girls start to dance.]

Mr. Fantastic: Sn… apmare Kid… when the… splash… comes…

Clive: No no no, you already fought him.

Zombie Mr. Fantastic: Me win?

Clive: No you didn’t win, you oaf.

Mr. Fantastic: Who me fight next?

Clive: How the hell should I know? Just spout some garbage about how you’re going to take over BOB or some other nonsense.

Mr. Fantastic: BOB… Zombie Mr. Fantastic will take you over. Grrrrrrrr. When the splash comes… BOB… you will be… wiped out.

Clive: Ok ok, stop it there. Just get up and dance around with the girls and drink some rum out of that glass.

[Mr. Fantastic does so, making drunk uncles at weddings everywhere look like Fred Astaire.

Clive: God this is terrible, I worked my fingers to the bone making this set and this is all I get?

Slutty Hawaiian girl#1: This is kinda shit.

Cive: You took the words right out of my mouth. Ok Mr. Fantastic, this is a failed operation. Just go back to robbing graves or eating people’s faces or whatever the hell it is you do. This rant will get a lot more viewers if we just film the slutty girls.

Slutty Hawaiian girls: Hey!

[As he leaves the set Mr. Fantastic passes the crew members. He rips out their throats with his teeth before indeed eating their faces. Some zombies never change.]

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teh 9roMu

September 13th, 2008
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XXXtreme Machine

[XXXtreme Machine is stood outside the Hamptonshire Country Club trying his best to get past a security guard eating a watercress sandwich.]

Security Guard: I’m sorry sir, this is a privately owned establishment.

XM: byt 1 m T harrkoah#!1

[A gray haired individual in a magenta robe steps beside the guard.]

Chester Hamptonshire: It’s ok Percy, let me give this gentleman a tour of the grounds.

Security Guard: Yes Mr. Hamptonshire.

[The security guard munches down the last of his sandwich with a frown as Chester escorts XXXtreme Machine along the side of the building.]

Chester: These are our grounds, over there you will see both our tennis courts and outside squash courts, and over here you will see our esteemed golf course where we had respected professionals such as Seve Ballesteros and Nick Price compete in our annual tournaments.

XM: dib u hef tehgo wudfz hur~?

Chester: Oh my no, we do not allow negroes on the premises.

XM: vatd reisisd!!”

[Chester Hamptonshire clears his throat.]

Chester: And if you will follow me I will escort you to our swimming baths.

[XXXtreme Machine follows back towards the main building. They walk through a large set of double doors into a white tiled atrium with an azure pool set in the middle of the floor.]

Chester: We have only the finest water flew over to us from the alpine springs to make our swimming pools. I hope this isn’t too forward a question to an individual such as yourself, but if you have a bathing suit with you I must ask if you would care for a dip?

XM: y vuken faj~! t wund tecc muh crovez ufv!!3

Chester: Oh my, I only meant for you to change in our elegantly designed black marble changing rooms and swimming a few laps. I meant no lewd connotations of which you speak.

[XXXtreme Machine hits a weak ass punch to Mr. Hamptonshire and runs back out through the door.]

XM: veez fug9E puth poopul eynt gnu ruyehp ne!1

[XXXtreme Machine runs through the grounds, avoiding the sprinklers and horse laughs of rich people, back to the main gates. The security guard from earlier raises an eyebrow.]

XM: 2huz pr4f sui hllee~~~!

[XXXtreme Machine punches the security guard and props him up on the head of a marble statue. XXXtreme Stunner on the security guard!]

XM: xxXtrim mssjiim si gyh b teh nekz unri wohlt shumpyun hdet mu7tuhs#!

[XXXtreme Machine climbs into a golf cart and drives off into the sunset.]

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Would you…

September 10th, 2008
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Steve Studnuts

~~~Steve Studnuts’ reflection is imaged in a mirror. He appears to have just gotten out of the shower and is getting ready to shave. LOOK! He’s applying shaving gel! Mystery solved.

He hits “play” on a nearby CD player and “Goodbye Horses” by Q Lazzarus begins to fill the room. Click below to get the full experience. His following actions are not to say he is homosexual or a pupae transvestite. ~~~

~~~Back to Steve’s reflection, he’s now shaving and staring intently at himself~~~

Studs: Would you fuck me?

~~~He shaves his right cheek, which appears as though he just shaved his left cheek.~~~

Studs: Would you? Fuck me?

~~~He shaves his chin, which still looks like he’s shaving his chin.~~~

Studs: I’d fuck me so hard. I’d fuck me…. so hard. Heh.

~~~There’s a loud knock on the bathroom door.~~~

Studs: (startled) WHAT?

Woman’s offscreen voice: Steve? What are you doing in there?

Studs: I’m fuckin’ shavin’. Whadda ya want?

Woman’s offscreen voice: There’s a FBI agent at the front door. It’s a woman. You fucking her too?

Studs: Connie, chill out. She’s probably gettin’ a jump questionin’ me about stompin’ the shit out of The Great and Pete Trable at “Runnin’ on Empty” and killin’ them deader than fried chicken.

Woman’s offscreen voice: Oh sure! She looks like a lesbo, or at least a bi-sexual. And I know how you dig that.

Studs: (whispers to himself) I dig. Ya dig? (normal voice) Tell her I’ll call her later! I’m busy!

Woman’s offscreen voice: You tell her! Jizzabelle and I are going to Chippendale’s to see their new skinny dancer!

Studs: What the fuck? Okay, I’ll call her when I get time tonight. But before you go, could you call Trey and tell him not to take it personal when my Sun Valley Studs of the FOBL fucks up the Sin City Icons this weekend? I think he put some money into the team and is like a majority owner or somethin’.

A crushin’ defeat to the Studs could be the catalyst of a festering resentment that could lead to a main event showdown at MEGABRAWL III, especially since the Icons are favored to win. After Week 1, the Studs are ranked first and the Icons are number 2. Funny how imaginary fantasy football imitates real life fantasy wrestling. Shit, did I say that out loud? *ahem* Would you call him for me?

Woman’s offscreen voice: I’m not calling him! Every time I do he always begs for sex! It’s pathetic.

Studs: Yep, that’s my buddy Trey. Speaking of “buddies”, hey Plants, how about gettin’ your dumb ass on here and postin’ some promos so I don’t have to carry this fuckin’ tag-team all the time?

~~~He splashes on some Beast Aftershave® because it makes his smeel manely.~~~

Studs: I feel… like a jungle rat. The Great. Pete Trable. You faggots are goin’ to die. Don’t feel bad, at least for you, Great… you’ll no longer have to put up with your naggin’ bitch wife and those snotty, free-loadin’ kids. And Trable, you’ll finally be put out of your horrible white rapper gimmick misery. Just don’t come back as Zombie Pete Trable, okay?

On second thought, that’d be an improvement. So long as you didn’t rap. Especially if Axl gets ahold of your character again. Ya dig?

~~~He winks at his reflection~~~

Studs: (talking to his reflection) Let’s go pack that gear bag for Runnin’ On Empty. It’s time to bring sexy back to BOB.

~~~He turns off the bathroom light. Darkness.~~~

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Yo Quiero Heart Transplant!

September 10th, 2008
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Pigeon

“This is where it all begins.”

“The long, hard road to rediscovery.”

“The place where I finally decide to stare down the face of countless filth…”

“… so I may take their punishment…”

“… the pain… the sweet, sweet pain…”

"Thank them… and ask for more."

“This is the beginning…”

“… the end is nowhere in sight.”

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

[Pigeon steps through the front door of “Doc Taco’s All You Can Eat Mexican Buffet and Regional Hospital”. The floor is caked in mildew… littered with the crumbs of taco shells long forgotten… stained with the urine of those who were just too damn lazy to find the bathroom. The walls… covered with framed pictures of enchiladas, tosdadas, and bygone specials of the day. The smell is thick… Tainted beef. Rotten tomatoes. Moldy cheese. And the disgusting stench permeating from the operation room…]

Doc Taco: Ah, mucho better-o, senor U.S.A.! Hows do joo t’ink joo feeling?

U.S.A. : …

Doc Taco: Oh sheeet… he is dead, I’m t’inking. Maybe that last time I was being stuffing his mouth with chili peppers, to try and reccusitate him… maybe not such the good idea, ci?

U.S.A. : …

Doc Taco: Aw well. Hee’z parts should make good tacos! I am being out of good taco meat. Good thing he muchos, muchos fatso! Dees medical gig sure do make for mui beuno way to provide customers with spicy mexicano food! And toes.

[Suddenly, the door to the operation room bursts open, Pigeon storms in, and the Bird of Prey blasts the good doc with a bedpan, splitting him open, and spilling blood from his forehead. The doctor falls backward, ontop of the now deceased Uncle Sam Alabaster, as the examining bed slides backward.]

Pigeon: [screaming] TELL YOUR PATIENTS… TELL EVERY LAST FUCKIN’ CITIZEN… THE PIGEON IS HERE. AND HE’S NOT LEAVING UNTIL HE BUSTS DOWN THE DOORS OF THE HIERARCHY’S CASTLE, AND RIPS OUT THE THROAT OF THAT FUCKING BASTARD AXL! QUOTH THE PIGEON…

… Evermore.

[Doc Taco tries to sit up, but Pigeon picks up a needle filled with tranquilizer… and stabs the doctor in the forehead, close to the waterfall of cascading blood. Taco becomes woozy… before his eyes roll into the back of his skull, and he falls backward, sliding off of U.S.A., and to the hospital / resteraunt floor. Pigeon drops the needle to the floor, and smiles sickly…]

Pigeon: Welcome… to the Bio-Dome.

[Pigeon flaps his arms, leaving the building… with Doc Taco unconcious, but still with the message to his fellow citizens lodged in his mind.]

[Pigeon is coming for the Hierarchy.]

[And their time is Running on Empty.]

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