[Dr. Silaconne M.Plants is sitting at his desk, his feet propped up on it, at one of augmentation clinics avoiding paperwork as per usual. His phone rings.]
SMP: “Titties’ R Us”, a subsidiary of “A Girl’s Breast Friend”, this is Doctor Plants, may I help you?
[He pauses to listen.]
SMP: No, I can’t guarantee my work.
[He pauses again.]
SMP: Did I once have a patient of mine’s boobie resemble Dolph Lundgren’s haircut in Rocky IV after I, umm… augmentationed her? Total urban legend, I assure you.
SMP: You’ll pay more with them. And I HAVE gotten better, you know? Huh? That’s not a lie. Hardly no complaints for weeks.
[He listens some more.]
SMP: Listen lady, I only took this call to pass as a promo since I’m always getting clowned for not doing any. But that’s fine, if you want to go to “Fun Bags 4 Less” that’s up to you. It’s your dime. If you want to pay out the whazoo mcdaniel for a poor boob job I can do at half the price that’s totally your call.
[He holds the phone from his ear as yelling can be heard from inside it. After a few moments, he places it back to his face.]
SMP: Perfectly fine with me. I hope they fall off! *hangs up*
[As Plants props his feet up again, and oddly grins for seemingly no reason, Nurse Heidi walks in carrying several envelopes and a wrapped package in the shape of a video cassette.]
NH: Hi Sil. Hey, what’s with you? I overheard your call. How can you be happy? I thought losing potential customers drove you nearly Benoit.
SMP: This is, without a doubt, the most wonderful day ever. On the heels of !MPLOSION! 12, I must be the happiest man alive. For one, Luke Warm, one of my on-again-off-again most bitter rivals is out of the promotion. That’s right, the Thirstiest S.O.B. in BOB is gone forever having been eaten by a panda bear, and two, I ended the career of the Gay-i-est F.A.G. in BOB the old fashioned way on the same night… by simply kicking his ass. Couple that by being the Acting VP in Charge of Everything in BOB, how could I possibly be bothered by ANYTHING remotely considered a downer?
NH: Yeah, that was sad what happened to Luke. I’m going to miss him.
SMP: Well I’m not!
NH: Are you serious? I thought you guys were friends now.
SMP: What? No way! Let me go on record as saying I have nothing to do with Luke Warm, if for no other reason than to avoid being eaten alive by association. Whose dumb idea was it to hire a panda to wrestle in BOB anyway? He could kill us all! Which reminds me, I wonder if while I’m acting VPiCoE if I can book douja for a one shot deal against American Panda. I mean, it wouldn’t be like I killed him, right?
NH: Speaking of killing people, look who’s talking, chainsaw boy. I can’t believe you did that to those jobbers. Especially poor SuperGluey. He wasn’t as sticky as everyone thought he was. *ahem* Uh-rah…*blushes* Never mind.
SMP: Hold on a minute, I didn’t do anything to those guys. If you read closely, I was clean as a whistle when I walked out of there.
NH: Whatever! I still think it was horrible.
SMP: Horrible was having those guys on the roster. Nic Flare? Pfffft! Those guys had to meet CHAINSAW MEAT HOOK SODOMY OF UNSPEAKABLE TERROR. Man, I loved those descriptions! Whoever came up with those is a pure genius! I just wish I was more hands on with that, because I wasn’t, you know?
NH: Well, what about Axl then? You’re certainly responsible for that. I mean, I know the guy was a butthole and all, but ending his career? At least he tried to compete.
SMP: He had to go. That chump was becoming Neige Fourteen! Seriously, he wanted to turn BOB into an angle fed, where we write our own matches and do our own storylines. He would have become unbeatable with that kind of stroke. He’d have pushed himself to the moon and the matches would have become very boring, like those UnFed matches. That guy was a loser, is a loser, and will always be a LOSER. I should have invited him to the chainsaw give-away! What was I thinking?
[SMP contemplates his gaffe.]
SMP: Oh well, I don’t have to worry about him anymore. Puh-lease… Angle fed? I’m glad it didn’t come to that, he’d have become the ultimate abuse of power!
NH: Really? Just him? So what’s that in front of YOU then?
[The camera zooms in on a piece of paper in front of SMP that’s titled “MEGABRAWL II MAIN EVENT.”]
SMP: Oh this? It’s nothing, nothing at all. Just a little something for somebody I plan on having a little fun with, by ummm…. “doctoring” his contract for MEGABRAWL.
NH: Mmm-hmm. You’re not doing what I think you’re doing are you?
SMP: Hey now, I’m only AVPiCoE for two weeks. Time is a factor. I have to act now while that acting’s good. They don’t call me the “Dirtiest Boobie Enhancer in Wrestling Today®” for nothing. I was the king of a land with no people once before, why not do it twice?
NH: You’re going to put your name on that contract, aren’t you?
SMP: Of course not! *looks around nervously* You’re not going to tell anybody, right?
NH: You’re despicable!
SMP: Can you say that again, but just like Daffy Duck this time?
NH: No, absolutely not. By the way, here’s your mail.
[She shoves a stack of envelopes at him. He begins sorting though the pile.]
SMP: Bill.*throws it on the floor* Bill.*throws it on the floor* Bill.*throws it on the floor* Bill. I’ll pay that one next week.*throws it on the floor* Bill.*throws it on the floor* Bill.*throws it on the floor* Bill.*throws it on the floor* Bill? What’s this? They’re charging ME for that fancy sign I wore on my chest for the !MPLOSION! 12 splash? *opens the envelope* 27 bucks?! Are you kidding me?
NH: Here’s more bad news, this one is from Steve Studnuts.
[She hands him the wrapped package.]
SMP: It looks like a video cassette.
[He opens it, sure enough, it’s a video. He reads the label.]
SMP: “Heidi’s Anatomy”? It must be a documentary or maybe a medical training seminar. Good! I could use this!
NH: HEY! THAT’S FOR ME!
[She grabs the tape and runs off.]
SMP: What are you doing? I read Steve’s promo when he sent that like two months ago. I’ve been waiting for that! HEY! Come back!
[SMP doesn’t try to chase her. He simply sits back at his desk and props his feet up.]
SMP: Damn post office. They’re getting as slow and lazy as my handler lately.
[SMP yells at Heidi, who’s probably half way across town by now, followed by a stream of video tape from a disemboweled casette.]
SMP: If there’s any augmentation tips on there, please let me know! Oh well, I’ll see her later…
[He opens another letter and begins to read.]
SMP: Latest from MB:
Also, do you know if Dave still wants to write Nitro, or did he tell you he didn’t want be involved? He’s either not been on messanger in a while, or he’s blocked me…
It seems like every time I try to do better, I manage to screw it up. Now even Dave seems to dislike me. I guess ending my “career” with e-mail rp’s and no ooc pretty much serves me right for all the things I’ve done wrong in my past 8 years of fedding.
And trust me, I’m not being facetious. It’s just… every time I think I’m going to be able to change, it ends up lasting only a few seconds… and then everything goes back in the shitter.
I don’t think things are ever going to look up.
[SMP looks around the room, his eyes darting left and right as his cheeks balloon from the impending explosion.]
SMP: BWAAAAAAAAAA HAAAAAAAAAAAAA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! OH… MY…. GOD! BWAAAAA HAAA! My sides hurt! They’re splitting! BWAAAAAAAAA HAAAAAAAAAAA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
[Fade out to SMPROTFLHFAO.]