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MegaBrawl II Preview!

December 2nd, 2008
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It’s beginning to look at lot like MegaBrawl II! Yes, Brawlers On a Budget’s biggest show of the year, MegaBrawl II, rolls into Sin City Stadium Dec. 13. Here’s what you can expect to see on the great-grandson of them all…

It’s A Wonderful Curtain Jerker Battle Royal! Yes, the winner of this one will get a shot at the Swiss Army Belt sometime down the line. The following BOBsters are scheduled to appear in this match: Little Good, Pigeon, Pretty Boy, Snapmare Kid, Tia Tar, XFactor Pete Trable, and XXXtreme Machine!

Then, two team are dreaming of a title shot for the Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Tag Team Titles, but only one can wrap up the win as The Wizard and Thomas Largeman battle Steel Chair and his apprentice The Human Foreign Object!

Then, it’s a nightmare before Christmas for feuding brothers Axl and Viruz, who are set to go one on one in a Anywhere "Anywhere Is" Is Playing Match.

Insano Mano and Kamikazie Ken have sure been naughty to nice guys Coma and Hallucination Boy. What to do? Rakes On a Plane! Yes siree, we’re gonna send these four guys up on an airplane filled with rakes and let them settle the score.

Is Zombie Mr. Fantastic the grinch who stole Death‘s wife, Katie? Perhaps, but Death and Zombie Mr. Fantastic will finally have it out at MegaBrawl II in a grudge match!

Two men will be walking in a planky wonderland, as Seth Harker puts up his Acting BigBOSSship against Kid Pirate in a Walk the Plank Match!

If all you want for Christmas is some T&A, well then you’re in luck, because Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" will defend her T&A XX Division Title against Jerri Li in a Bra & Panties Soap Suds Match! Ho ho ho!

Joy to the world, a new ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS number one contender is come! But who will it be? Kurt Angel, The Great, Kobe Gyant, or American Panda?

Violent night, holy (shit) night, in the main event, EVERYTHING is on the line as Steve Studnuts defends the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS and his half of the Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Tag Team Titles against Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, who is also putting the Swiss Army Belt and HIS half of the Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Tag Team Titles. The match will be a Nicolas Cage Match, which means various Nicolas Cage DVDs will be hung on the cage and available for use as weapons in the match! Also, SMP has agreed to put his CAREER on the line, so if he loses, he’s done in BOB!

It should be an unforgettable event! Don’t miss it! Send us your money now!

(Card subject to bait-and-switch)

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Zombieproof

October 23rd, 2008
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Death

Katie Death, a zombie who dresses in a cheerleader uniform, was washing the dishes with blood in the sink when her husband, Death, walked into the room. God’s Hitman opened up the refrigerator, looked around, and then slammed the door shut.

“Why is there never any food in this house? I have Snore Games coming up in just a couple of weeks, and I need to bribe The Great with food apparently so he won’t do a job for the either Steve Studnuts, Trey Vincent, Sarah “The Jobber Slayer,” Seth Harker, or Dr. Silaconne M. Plants apparently now, too. And I still haven’t figured out what to bribe my other teammates with. Let’s see…write this down. Let’s see, for Trable…how about some fried chicken, watermelon, and grape juice? For Jerri Li? Hmm. Some Jagged Metal Krusty-O’s and battery acid. Kid Pirate probably likes booze. Rum. Hell, how about some peg leg polish as well. Did you get all that, Katie?”

“Braains!” Katie roared.

“Why do you make everything so hard except right here,” Death said, performing a crotch chop in his wife’s direction.

“Braaaains!” Katie replied.

“Is this mansion not big enough for you? What about all those dead people stacked in the meat locker? Where’s the respect for Death?”

“Braaaaains!”

“Did you at least dry clean my wrestling cloak.”

“Brains.”

“Son of a…” Death started before pounding his bony fist on the countertop. “I’VE HAD IT UP TO HERE, KATIE!”

“Brains brains brains brains brains brains!”

“What does this have to do with my yacht? Don’t I deserve a little ME time? I work my fingers to the bone…wait, they already are bone. I work my bones to the…you know what I mean! I work non-stop for the Big Guy who created this universe. He created you for ME, not me for YOU! You’re just a bit player.”

“Uhhhhh~!”

“It’s ironic. I figured I would’ve been the one to kill this relationship…”

“Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains!”

“You want out? That’s FINE with me!”

Katie Death shuffles away to her bedroom, slamming the door shut behind her. She grabs a framed picture of Zombie Mr. Fantastic off her dresser.

“Uhhhhhhhhhhh!”

Meanwhile, outside, Death has his scythe and begins bashing a trash barrel with the handle. After several seconds of clatter, Death looks up and notices a zombie eating somebody’s face in the street. Both are starting at him curiously.

“Help me?” the victim gurgled out, blood oozing from everywhere on his (or her?) face.

“Rar?” the zombie queried.

“Sorry, Face Eater. Go about your business.”

The zombie continued eating the victim’s face as Death threw his trash back into the trash bucket. One of the plastic bags ripped and several cans fell out with a dull clatter as they hit the driveway. Brains In A Can. It was eerily silent — as long as you ignored the dying screams and disgusting face-eating noises in the background.

“And she can’t even recycle on top of everything else?”

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The Royal Mis-Treatment.

September 16th, 2008
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Axl

[Axl is sitting in the middle of the couch, flipping through the channels of his new tv (now only a 15 incher. Michelle refused to pay a cent). Michelle walks in.]

Michelle: Axl, have you seen the card?

Axl: Yup.

Michelle: So, are you going to cut a promo regarding Luke Warm?

Michelle

Axl: Yup.

Michelle: When?

Axl: Yup.

Michelle: … You’re not even listening to me, are you.

Axl: Yup.

Michelle: Dear sweet jesus w. christ… Forget it. I hope you get your ass stonecuttered!!!

Axl: Yup.

[Michelle is about to leave in a huff, when she looks through the window and sees Pigeon walking toward the dungeon, with two hands filled with to-go bags from McGreasyton’s.]

Michelle: … Axl, why is Pigeon walking toward, the dungeon, with two hands filled with to-go bags from McGreasyton’s? You don’t suppose Viruz didn’t chain Pigeon up properly, do you?

Axl: Yup.

Michelle: FAGGOT!!!

Axl: Yup.

Michelle: !!!

[Michelle turns back to the door, and this time DOES leave in a huff, as she slams the door behind her.]

Axl: YES! There we go, finally found something good. 24 hour Xena Warrior Princess marathon, here I come!

> > > meanwhile < < < Pigeon

[Pigeon walks into the dungeaon, arms carrying five or six paper bags of fast food.]

Pigeon: Alright, Mario, Tony, I’ve got the McSpaghetti and McRigatoni you fellas asked for… Rebecca, for you I’ve got the McSardinesAndSpinachBurger

Rebecca: EWWW! Ickie! I don’t want THAT!

Pigeon: Well, you didn’t specify what you wanted, so I just figured, what the hell.

Rebecca: I want something else!!! And NOW!!!

Pigeon: Well, let me put these bags down.

[Pigeon does so, before picking his nose for a good minute, and then lifting a golden nugget to Rebecca’s lips.]

Pigeon: There ya go, fresh from the bakery.

Rebecca: OH-MY-GOD! SICK! Get that away from me you sick freak!

Pigeon: As you wish.

[Pigeon devours the yellow morsel. He then picks up one bag, and pulls out a cherry pie.]

Pigeon: And snOw, I know how much you love pie, so, I got this for you.

snOw: Aww. Man, I’ve always been a poon-tang gal myself, but I guess cherry will have to do. Unless you’re willin’ to offer somethin’ up, Becky?!

Rebecca: I’M SURROUNDED BY FREAKS!!!

Pigeon: Well, we better hurry up and scarf this shit. Axl might be down here soon, and although I’m not afraid… you guys are pretty much secod-rate sub-characters used soley for the purpose of interaction. I wouldn’t be surprised if he took off all four of your heads, just because he stubbed his toe or somethin’. You guys are pretty much Star Trek crew members in red shirts. Disposable like soiled diapers, ya know?

All Four: …

Pigeon: But hey, look at the bright side. You get to spend the last of your days in a filthy, dirty, disgusting dungeon surrounded by rats and roaches, until Axl has enough of you clowns and decides to slice your heads off for the hell of it.

All Four: …

Pigeon: So… dig in!

Mario Spaghetti: It’s-ah me! Ah Mari-

Tony Spaghetti: Dammit, I hope Axl whacks you first, so’s I can have atleast ten seconds of my life without hearin’ that fuckin’ line!

snOw: Becky, before we go, how’s about we bang the hell out of eachother? There’s no better way to go out than by tastin’ the sweet, sweet juices of Lady Pussy!

Rebecca: NEVER!!! … Unless you get me really, REALLY drunk first. Or stoned.

Pigeon: Quoth the Pigeon… Bi-chicks rule.

Rebecca: I am NOT bi!

snOw: Yeah. That’s what they ALL say. :p

Rebecca: AGGHHH!!!

> > > meanwhile < < < [Axl is still sitting in the middle of the couch, eyes on the tv. He has viewed the BoB news brief, stating the card, and his match with Luke Warm.] Axl: Son of a BITCH! Why I am a stuck with such a... such a... HACK?! This guy hasn't shown up on the rant zone in ages, ever since he ran those cheap "viral" videos, and now I'm stuck facing him in the curtain jerker! This is ludicrous! This is proposterous! This is an outrage! This... This is - Michelle: This is your brain. [Michelle shows a photo of a woman.] Michelle: This is your brain after watching an Axl promo. [Michelle shows a photo of the very same woman, appearing with her face drastically contorted, ala the people who watched the video in "The Ring".] Michelle: Any questions? [Axl turns to Michelle. Who is sitting next to him on the couch. ... Yup.] Axl: Michelle! You're the HEAD BOOKER! Why am I not in the main event?! Why am I atleast not in the middle card?! I'm not a jobber, dammit! Michelle: Are you a nugget? Axl: What? Michelle: Nevermind. The thing is, baby, you just don't... well, see, the people don't... Axl: ... Michelle: You don't draw money for BoB. Axl: But none of the guys on the roster draw money for BoB! Michelle: Yeah, but you're the only guy on the roster that actually makes BoB LOSE money! Besides XXXTreme Machine, anyway, but atleast he's willing to be torn apart, shredded, and jobbed to hell and back. You on the other hand? You call in sick to work if you get a BUMP on your toungue! And now you're complaining about being in the opening match! Axl, I hate to say it, but for fuck's sake, even I feel like firing you sometimes! Axl: ... But honey... Michelle: Seriously, Axl. You're like a male diva or something. In more ways than one... Axl: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!!! Michelle: Nah, you can keep it. Axl: Ugh... Michelle, I deserve better treatment than this! I'm a super-duper mega star! I'm a KING! I'm BoB's only Savior! Michelle: Then why don't you start acting like it, and stop bitching, moaning, whining, complaining, getting pissed off at the slightest little thing, and being a paranoid, schizophrenic, delusional, spoiled rotten BRAT?! Axl: ... Because... Cuz I don't wanna. Michelle: Oh brother... Axl: Hey! That just gave me a great idea! Hmm... they want to put me in a match against Luke Warm? Well then, I say fine! I'll just fight fire with fire! Michelle: What do you mean? ... Actually, why am I asking, I'm sure you'll explain to me for the next thirty or forty minutes... Axl: You're wrong for once, Michelle! I'm keeping my lips sealed! Michelle: Thank god for that... Axl: I've got to get in touch with my brother... there's some work to be done... [Axl lifts himself up off the couch and heads out through the door... leaving Michelle to the tv.] Michelle: Xena Warrior Princess? 24 hour MARATHON?! Goddamn, Axl's more of a chick than I am... Michelle: I wonder if there's any titty flicks on... |the|

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Apologies to eWmania, but Not to Steel Chair!

August 29th, 2008
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Kobe Gyant

So it appears as though our Rants are being broadcast to a larger audience at eWmania, instead of ProBoards. Yes, just Kobe Gyant’s mere presence in the BOB has brought it to the big time. However, Kobe now realizes there’s a problem. Your introduction to the BOB was not a Rant by the greatest high school basketball player of all-time and the future Hall of Shamer. It was…Axl and Viruz? Oh, this won’t do at all…book me a house show. Pronto! I’m a bigger draw than that Obama dude…book me a soccer stadium!

San Fierro. Friday morning. House show. Bingo! After some previews for the EPIC Kobe Gyant vs. Steel Chair match, the sounds of “Me So Horny” by 2 Live Crew rip a hole in the side of the stadium.

<--EMPTY-HEADED FAUX NEWS BIMBO-->>

We’re learning of a possible terrorist attack! Oh wait, never mind. Kobe Gyant has just arrived at a parody wrestling house show event.

<<--EMPTY-HEADED FAUX NEWS KEN DOLL-->>

Hold on, let’s see if he does the dreaded terrorist fist jab! He could be a secret Muslim!!

<<--KOBE GYANT-->>

Here’s a terrorist fist jab, bitches!

Kobe puts his fists through their faces and through the back of their heads (the bimbo gets his left and the kendoll gets Kobe’s right)! BLOOD~! The crowd pops HUGE!

<<--Mikey Styles-->>

GORE! GORE! GORE!

<<--CROWD-->>

KOBE! KOBE! KOBE!

*KABOOM!* Oops, the crowd just blew up in excitement. Literally

<<--Mikey Styles-->>

GORE! GORE! GORE!

Kobe Gyant is covered in blood, body parts, and intestines. A podium emerges from the very depths of under the ring.

<<--KOBE GYANT-->>

The BOB, we cannot turn back. Not with so much work to be done. Not with so many jobbers to squash, and so many midcarders to put in the hospital. Not with what I’m getting paid, I’ve got kids to feed, son! I’ve got matches to win, money to make, main events to main event in. I have my spot to protect. The BOB, we cannot turn back. I must walk alone, because nobody can keep up with me. At this moment, in this bloody arena full of dead Kobe Gyant fans, I pledge to march into Running on Empty and beat Steel Chair. I’ll keep that promise, the Kobe promises. In the words of 2 Live Crew…I’ve got an appetite for sex, cuz me so horny. Thank you, God damn Steel Chair, and God damn Axl and Viruz for trying to steal my spotlight at eWmania!

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Wanted.

August 19th, 2008

Axl

[Axl is seen headed toward the same alleyway where Pigeon was left a bloody mess after Triple S led the way. But instead of finding Pigeon, Axl only finds a note…]

“Home is where the heart is, they say…
My heart has left this place.
So have I.

Quoth the Pigeon… It sucks to be poor.”

Viruz

[Axl crumples up the message, and tosses it down upon the rest of the street litter. He turns to Viruz.]

Axl: The bum’s fled this place. But I know he’s still in the city… I can sense it. He’s still looking for pain… punishment… he still wants to prove a point.

Viruz: He wants to impress that crazy bitch, Jerri Li. Personally, I don’t know what he sees in her… I’d never date someone who make’s Angelina Jolie’s bedroom habits look tame by comparison…

Axl: The way I look at it… he doesn’t deserve her. A street urchin like him is just like the litter that floods this alleyway… Ordinary, everyday garbage. And when he meets the two of us, I’m going to make damn good and sure that we take out that piece of trash. He wants pain? He wants torture? Bro, there’s only so much torture the human body can handle… so much damage… so much carnage…

Axl: … Till it breaks.

Axl: And at the next show? I WILL break the Bird. I will destroy him… I will hurt him so bad… WE will… to the point where he loses the ability to walk… to the point where his beloved Jerri will find him useless… Just as he was to the Hierarchy.

Viruz: Jeez, bro. When you get pissed at someone, you really hold a grudge…

Axl: Bro… You know I love you. You know I respect you. But never… EVER… question my judgement. Are we clear?

Viruz: … Sure?

Axl: Good. Now, get on the website, and post a bulletin. I want everyone in the City to know that if they come in contact with Pigeon, that I want them to treat him with the same level of mercy that their King would.

Axl: None.

> > > Hierarchy’s MySpace Page … Bulletin for August 18th < < < "Attention citizens. Be on the lookout for a disheveled street walker, with long hair, wearing a black kilt. Goes by the moniker "Pigeon". Wanted for crimes against the Hierarchy. If found, do not capture. Do not kill. Instead, use any force you may to leave this individual on the verge of serious injury. But leave him in good enough condition to compete in his final match in BoB... against the King and his Trusted Advisor at the upcoming BoB On-Demand event. All citizens who participate in the bruising of this begger will be rewarded handsomely for their services. That is all. - Vi" > > > hours later < < < ? ? ? : Hmmm... [A hand is seen grabbing a "Wanted" poster from off a Sinister City store wall... The hand leads to a body... that of Sinister City's most famous car salesman, as well as most hated bigot, Big Uncle Sam Alabaster.] [U.S.A. stares at the poster, with the words reprinted from Viruz' message on the Hierarchy MySpace...] U.S.A. : Hm. Well, well, well. I do declare... seems as if I've got another customer, even if I do say so myself, heheheh... U.S.A. : Oh you nasty little bird you... you're about to find yourself on the wrong end of the Big Unc's front tahrs, and when I'm done with ya? You're gonna be beaten down worse than those damn Iraqians at the hands of this good nation's finest men and women! But mostly men. U.S.A. : Praise America... Praise U.S.A.!!! [The big man drops the poster to the ground... as the camera fades out on Pigeon's face... the face of a man headed for a long, long few weeks...] |the|

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To Stephen Hawking

July 17th, 2008

View This Rant!

Stephen, let me apologize for my brazen attempt to steal your thunder. All I want to do is wheel you to the ring, cheer for you, be your valet. There is no other agenda, other than maybe to use my hot body to make a crippled man walk again.

Let me help you, let me be the one to give you your sponge bath, dress you, shave your back if need be. I can clip toe nails like nobody’s business. I can make spaghetti.

I can do all the things you need me to do, maybe even help you win a few matches. So, what do you say Steve? Don’t you think I’m pretty? Don’t you think I’m sexy? Come on baby, let me know.

If you want to corner the market on this, I’ll disappear just as quickly as I appeared. I really think we’re a match that blows E-Harmony away. We’re both very intelligent. We’re both easy on the eyes.

You’re in a wheelchair and I have a small nub that resembles a cockroach on my upper shoulder. Nobody can have it all, right? We can be perfectly imperfect together.

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Load *New Wrestler,8,1

July 9th, 2008
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Watch the Rant!

You think you have seen it all in BOB?You think you're something special?You think wrong.The most intelligent wrestler ever to enter the squared circle is on his way.Everyone will fall before my wheels.

From extreme machine to whoever the O W T T M Champion is right now.I'm everything you want to be, but will never be.Smarter.Tougher.More famous.Slightly less mobile.I just hope the ring is wheelchair accessable.`Stupendous` Steve Hawkings.I'm on my way.To Big Bang the hell out of you.

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Direct Provocation

May 30th, 2008
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Mr. Paradox

*In a low-rent apartment in South Dakota, Mr. Paradox is gluing the plaster statue of Godzilla 2000 back together after the Stonecutter delivered to it at iMPLOSION. He is wearing a particle mask and goggles, but his eyes are still visible and narrow with anger.*

Mr. Paradox: God damn it. StompTokyo will have my legs broken for this one.

Dr. Thrilla

*Elsewhere in the apartment, presumably in a room not reached by the fumes and plaster dust, Dr. Thrilla is polishing his beartrap, wearing his Thrilla Life outfit, as Cecil sorts a set of index cards. He turns to the camera and begins to clang.*

Dr. Thrilla: *rhythmic, threatening metal clanging*

Cecil: The doctor notes that his next match will be against the Great. He has this to say.

Dr. Thrilla: *obscene, angry metal clanging*

Cecil: Any man who would force his own son to appear in BOB promos is an abomination of a human being. The Great does not deserve a chance at any titles.

Dr. Thrilla: *threatening metal clanging*

Cecil: When the Doctor is through with you, you’d best hope your son has good decision-making skills, because he’ll be sending you to a nursing home.

Dr. Thrilla: *mocking metal clanging*

Cecil: And to Pete Trable, you make ICP look like the Beastie Boys. You haven’t done a decent rap song since the days you still feuded with Atomo.

Dr. Thrilla: *flashes a gang sign, concluding metal clanging*

Cecil: Peace.

*In the main room, the statue is now repaired, and Mr. Paradox turns to the camera, still in particle mask and goggles.*

Mr. Paradox: Trey, Kevin… I’m thinking of making a bet with Dr. Plants. We pick one of you, he uses a scalpel, I use a sword, and the one who leaves his target less recognizable wins. I don’t make bets I can’t win, either…

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Over The Edge

May 19th, 2008

Jerri Li

[Jerri uses a remote to change from a show about a man in a diving suit to a documentary about lava flows. She starts to rub her arm where she has let her dog chew before burning herself with a zippo lighter.]

Jerri: Damn, I need some salt for the wound but I’m out of vodka. I wonder if there’s any rubbing alcohol around.

[She lifts herself up slowly like she’s filled with stones. She searches through her metal cabinet past scissors, paper clips, barbed wire, hooks and crocodile clips until she finds a small bottle of rubbing alcohol. She pours generously onto the burnt wound and kneads it in with her fingernails.]

Jerri: Where is that dog anyway? He’s less reliable than a roll of dice.

[The scene fades out as Jerri sticks drawing pins into her arm as hard as she can until blood comes out.]

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A Moment With The Champion

May 15th, 2008
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Dr. Thrilla

*Dr. Thrilla appears in the middle of an empty bar (any bar is empty when he’s in it), wearing the Swiss Army Belt around his waist and drinking from a large wooden mug. It’s unclear what, exactly, is in it. Cecil sits next to him, sipping a martini and trying not to stare, and Mr. Paradox winds a bandage around his leg.*

Mr. Paradox

Mr. Paradox: Those piercings hurt like a bitch when Jerri Li spears you. Ow…

Cecil: One would think someone who uses a sword for an illegal weapon would be used to lacerations.

Mr. Paradox: Doesn’t mean they stop hurting. Especially when they’re above my scar tissue.

Dr. Thrilla: *half-drunken metal clanging*

Mr. Paradox: Not funny, Thrilla.

Dr. Thrilla: *laughing metal clanging*

Mr. Paradox: Screw you. I used to be a champion, you know.

Cecil: Yes, because you booked the match you won it in.

Dr. Thrilla: *sigh, romantic metal clanging*

Mr. Paradox: You know the girl’s not really interested, right? She went to Steve Studnuts just to get beaten up.

Dr. Thrilla: *in-denial metal clanging*

Mr. Paradox: Hey, it’s what you get when you try to date a full-blown masochist. Don’t cry to me when she dumps you for a torturer.

*Dr. Thrilla begins clanging the melody of “I Love You Baby”, and Mr. Paradox sighs, getting himself a beer.*

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