BOB eWrestling | Rant Zone Archive!

INTERCOURSE, Pa. – Every title changed hands at Brawlers On a Budget’s latest mega event, Gluttons for Punishment 2. The biggest shocker? The new ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS wasn’t even booked into the TITLE match!

Scatman def. Dr. Silaconne M. Plants via pinfall to win THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS to cap the night off, after Jerri Li revealed that she has been SMP’s “secret admirer,” then knocked him out with a pipe. Scatman cashed in the Beer In The Belly with Executive Producer Trey Vincent and made history. This was SMP’s second title match in a row.

Dr. Silaconne M. Plants def. Kobe Gyant via pinfall in a Steel Cage Match to defend THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. Before Scatman and Jerri Li got involved, SMP won with a Med Degree on a steel chair to finally put away the young challenger in this classic match, only to lose it moments later.

The Great outlasted 32 men, women, inanimate objects, cyborgs, and WSE members to win the Royal Flush Rumble to become the number one contender for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. Also during the match, Axl won the Swiss Army Belt by eliminating the most brawlers during the match; Kevin the Pyromaniac won the You Gotta Be Kidding Me I Ain’t Doing That, Are You Out of Your Frickin’ Mind T&A XX Division Hardcore Title by retrieving it with a ladder; and Jerri Li won both Not Good Enough to Fight Alone Tag Team Titles by eliminating competitors at the random “wild card” elimination times.

Jerri Li def. Sarah in a Loser Leaves BOB Ladder Match via retrieving a contract hanging over the ring. Christian St. Christian inserted himself into the match, and helped Li go onto ultimate victory over her rival. Post-match, Sarah bid a teary farewell to Brawlers On a Budget (and also kicked ex-husband Scotty Whatbody on her way out).

Ted news brawlers on a budget, e-fed, e-wrestling

SIN CITY – Chaos. That one word best sums up Brawlers On a Budget’s Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION! #20. The night began with 10 hellacious chair shots, and ended with the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS tapping out in the middle of the ring.

ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS Dr. Silaconne M. Plants def. Sarah via pinfall. SMP prevailed against the former two-time OWCTM as complete chaos erupted during this potential Match of the Year candidate. Executive Producer Trey Vincent inserted himself as the special referee for the contest, while everyone from the locker room headed out to watch this historic main event (and possibly Sarah’s last appearance on iMPLOSION). Steel Chair instigated the entire incident by rappelling into the ring. Vincent tossed Steel Chair at Steve Studnuts, who batted the chair away with the Medium-Sized Bucket™, but right into The Great. Everybody brawled, with Jerri Li, Scatman, and Christian St. Christian eventually taking out everyone. The Fetish Freaks finale? A vicious tombstone for Sarah delivered by Jerri Li on a cheese grater chair, leading to SMP getting the pin. Post-match, however, Kobe Gyant, the number one contender targeted SMP, the man he’ll face in the cage at Gluttons For Punishment on May 2, and locked him in the Dribbler Crossface. SMP tapped as iMPLOSION went off the air!

Kevin the Pyromaniac returned to BOB, and after taking out the various Mr. Fantastic clones – including Cyborg, Chocolate, Jell-O, Kung Pao, British, Beachball, Paperclip, Origami, and Rubix Cube Mr. Fantastics – and unleashing his Burning Elbow, vowed to finally become the hardcore champion.

Kobe Gyant def. Kid Pirate via pinfall to win the Swiss Army Belt. However, Gyant was stripped of the title post-match at SMP’s urging, and Kid Pirate forced Gyant to decide between defending the title in the upcoming Royal Flush Rumble at Gluttons for Punishment and face SMP, or to focus all his attention on SMP. This proved to be a no-brainer for Kobe, who said the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS is all that matters to him.

Axl def. Jerri Li in a Great American Bash In Axl’s Skull Match via not having his skull caved in. Jerri pulled out all the stops, including a double chair, ladder chair, table chair, flaming chair, barbed wire chair, cheese grater chair, light tube chair, and even a C4 chair! Axl looked to be done after the tenth brutal chair shot, but Sarah ran out with everybody knocked out by the C4 explosion and duct taped Axl to the ropes. This is what forced Jerri into her actions later in the night, costing Sarah the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS.

Up next, BOB heads to Intercourse, PA for the Gluttons For Punishment 2 On-Demand! Check out the entire GFP2 card, and send us your money!

Ted news brawlers on a budget, e-fed, e-wrestling, parody

Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, Brawlers On a Budget’s ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS, shocked the parody e-wrestling world on March 11 when (in an attempt to ‘prove’ himself as the greatest ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS of all time) he proclaimed that he would defend THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS in the original March Mayhem Tournament format.

SMP put up his title in a non-booked 65 man tournament based on the outcomes of NCAA tournament games. BOB wrestler fortunes were determined by the teams they were matched up with. For example, if one of BOB’s wrestlers got paired with the Kansas Jayhawks and Kansas won the National Championship, then that person would have become the new ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS.

It was unprecedented. It was crazy. Why would a champion do this? Why would a champion that could skate to Gluttons for Punishment 2 to face Kobe Gyant in a Steel Cage match risk losing his title beforehand and ruin a saucy main event?

Because, as SMP said at the time, “I’m the best. And Carolina should win this year.”

The NCAA “March Madness” tournament is always unpredictable. Now you can relive all the action as 65 men, women, and inanimate objects seek to become the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS in March Mayhem 2009!

Ted news Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, e-fed, e-wrestling, Kobe Gyant, parody

SIN CITY – Death and You Gotta Be Kidding Me I Ain’t Doing That, Are You Out of Your Frickin’ Mind T&A XX Division Hardcore Champion Hamster Girl went “6 Rounds” in a memorable You Gotta Be Kidding Me I Ain’t Doing That, Are You Out of Your Frickin’ Mind T&A XX Division Hardcore Title match on Brawlers On a Budget’s Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION! #19. But in the end, Hamster Girl successfully defended her title against Big Bony with a little help from her manager.

Hamster Girl’s manager, Sammy Stoner, gave Hamster Girl a “leg up” and caused Death to fall out of a helicopter in the final “challenge,” a Last Entity Not Thrown Out of a Helicopter Match. Death tried to steal the win with some help from fellow Entities of Destruction members Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS, Kid Pirate, the Swiss Army Champion and Acting BigBOSS, and Steel Chair. However, Kobe Gyant and Joe Bananas (along with Red Chair and Black Chair) made the save, as the feud between Gyant Bananas and the EOD continues to intensify.

Hamster Girl’s other challenges this night included not getting her title belt stolen, tongue wrestling XXXtreme Machine in an elevator for 20 floors, kissing Scatman’s feces-covered tushy, finding a certain room in the hotel containing a photograph of her beltnapped belt, and eating a plate full of evil German peanut butter and jelly sandwiches!

Not Good Enough to Fight Alone Tag Team Champions The Great & “XFactor” Pete Trable defeated Steve Studnuts and Christian St. Christian, after Christian turned out to be Executive Producer Trey Vincent in disguise. Vincent unmasked after delivering a Coming Down on his former buddy, and setting up Studnuts for a Twist of Great for the pin. Vincent then also got some revenge on referee Vicky Jean, hitting her with a Shocking Conclusion before ripping off her top!

Throughout the night, footage of Scotty Whatbody “training” (some might call it “torturing”) Axl to prepare him for his next match, a Great American Bash In Axl’s Skull Match, on the next iMPLOSION! Numerous chair shots, hot rocks, broken glass, thumbtacks, a “cat fight” in pudding, and watching “One Night In Chyna” are just a few things Scotty cooked up for Axl’s training sessions in Sinister City to toughen him up!

Kobe Gyant & Joe Bananas defeated Jerri Li & Viet Kong in a Vietnamese Deathmatch. If you like blood and barbed wire, then this is the match for you! Well, as much as G5TV would allow us to do, anyway.

The night began with the Entities of Destruction celebrating SMP’s successful ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS defense in the March Mayhem 2009 tournament. Gyant came out to confront SMP, and also try to stir up some trouble within the group, before Viet Kong (and his manager “Charlie”) made his return to BOB after a long absence. Bananas came to the rescue of his partner, however, and Kong ended up taking a ride off the plank through a stack of flaming tables that mysteriously appeared!

Ted news brawlers on a budget, e-fed, ewrestling, parody

SIN CITY – Gluttons for Punishment 2 is right around the corner, but before we get to Brawlers On a Budget’s next On-Demand, the next two editions of iMPLOSION will feature FOUR title matches, all of which were drawn at random on Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION! #18! In the next month, BOB’s entire championship landscape could change.

Kid Pirate booked the following matches by pulling contenders out of his hat:

• ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS: Dr. Silaconne M. Plants (if he retains the title in the March Mayhem 2009 tournament) will face former two-time ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS Sarah Whatbody!
• Swiss Army Belt: Pirate will defend his title against Kobe Gyant!
• The You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain’t Doing That, Are You Out of Your Frickin’ Mind T&A Hardcore XX Division Championship: Hamster Girl will defend her title against Death!
• The Not Good Enough to Fight Alone Tag Team Titles: The Great and “XFactor” Pete Trable will defend their titles against the pairing of Steve Studnuts and Christian St. Christian.
• In other action, Jerri Li will face Axl in a Great American Bash In Axl’s Skull Match!

Prior to the championship lottery-style drawing, which was supposed to be done by BOB’s Executive Producer Trey Vincent, Studnuts got some payback on his former friend by assaulting him with the Medium-Sized Bucket. Referee Vicky Jean, who was being forced into receiving a “public spanking” by Vincent, provided plenty of distraction for Studnuts to sneak into the ring and beat Vincent bloody with the bucket. What will Vincent’s response be? And will we ever see Vincent vs. Studnuts going one on one?

SMP & Death def. Gyant & Joe Bananas via pinfall thanks to some help from the newest member of the Entities of Destruction, Steel Chair! Steel Chair made its presence known by rappelling down on a zip line to lend Death a hand (figuratively speaking, of course). Pirate also interfered in this match, smashing a bottle of rum over Gyant’s skull, before Plants nailed Gyant with a Medigree into the glass.

Li defeated Tia Tarr via pinfall in a brutal no disqualification match that ended after Li tombstoned Tarr through a ringside table.

Also on this night, the Entities of Destruction continued to prepare for SMP’s alleged secret admirer, Joanie Laurer, by watching the infamous (disturbing) “One Night In Chyna” sex tape. Laurer is rumored to reveal herself (hopefully only figuratively) at Gluttons for Punishment 2 on BOB-On-Demand!

Axl & Sarah def. Christian & Scatman via disqualification after Li interfered, laying out both Sarah and Axl with a chair. The Fetish Freaks continued assaulting the new tag team of Axl and Sarah (a team Axl’s new manager Scotty Whatbody put together) until Pigeon ran in to make the save.

Ted news brawlers on a budget, e-fed, e-wrestling, parody

SIN CITY – On Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION! #17, Steve Studnuts mystery tag team partner derailed Brawlers On a Budget’s plans to showcase the first-time ever meeting between Studnuts and Trey Vincent in the main event at MegaBrawl III: Season of the Witch this December.

That mystery partner? Vincent. BOB’s Executive Producer made his official return to BOB after a completely uneventful previous few months waiting for some other federation to get rolling.

Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Tag Team Champions The Great & “XFactor” Pete Trable def. Studnuts & Vincent in a non-title match when The Great pinned Vincent after a DDT on a chair. After announcing that there will be special random drawing for championship matches next week on iMPLOSION 18 (in addition to a “public spanking” of referee Vicky Jean), Vincent made his entrance, joining Studnuts to face BOB’s tag team champions. Vincent apparently threw the match after he made a deal with Trable in return for Cyborg Angelina X “lending Vincent a hand” at a rate of 200 strokes per minute.

Post-match, The Great and Trable has some problems of their own as several Mr. Fantastic clones, including Cyborg Mr. Fantastic, Chocolate Mr. Fantastic and Werewolf Mr. Fantastic, went on the warpath. No doubt these creations by mad scientist Dr. Poindexter are gunning for the tag team champions.

Sam, Sam the Dancing Yam def. Axl via pin. Axl had a rough night. Aside from getting kicked in the “yams” and losing his match, Axl also had to deal with the OWTTM number one contender, Kobe Gyant, who took out Axl’s agent, Tifa Witherspoon, to dinner using Axl’s credit card. By the end of the night, Axl was washing dishes to make up for the mess he made at the restaurant.

The You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain’t Doing That, Are You Out Of Your Frickin’ Mind T&A Hardcore XX Division Champion Hamster Girl def. The You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain’t Doing That, Are You Out Of Your Frickin’ Mind T&A Hardcore XX Division Title Belt via pinfall. While Hamster Girl was victorious, post-match Jerri Li led the Fetish Freaks (Scatman and Christian St. Christian) into the ring for a beatdown. Li wants the title badly. But before the trio could inflict any serious damage, Sarah Whatbody ran in from the announce table and cleared the ring. Could we be on our way to another violent confrontation between Jerri and Sarah who had numerous outstanding matches last year?

We also found out Gyant’s tag team partner will be Joe Bananas next week. The “Gyant Bananas” will face Entities of Destruction members ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS Dr. Silaconne M. Plants (who thinks he’s finally figured out who his mysterious secret admirer is) and Death in tag team action. Gyant hit the first strike in this building feud when he Van Horninated a giant plastic banana into Death’s skull.

Ted news e-fed, e-wrestling, parody

A giant logo fills the screen. It’s so big you can’t even read it all, unless by some fluke you have Kobe’s huge television, but that would be impossible because that would mean you ARE Kobe. But I digress… The words The Gyant Report are in gold over a purply background. Fade into Kobe Gyant, who is seated behind a non-descript desk as deafening cheers are heard, so deafening you’d think they were recorded at a football stadium, but no, Kobe is just a giant draw for random unpaid studio audiences. He is styling in a gray wool cap, gray suit jacket, gray scarf, and a beige vest over his #99 Los Santos basketball jersey. Because, you know, he’s a rookie indy wrestler and high school basketball legend, so he’s loaded and can afford fancy outfits, you know.

Welcome back to “The Gyant Report” everyone. I don’t want to scare you, but I have to. This is the ThreatDown!

A graphic pops up on the screen with a countdown screen and a siren blaring in the background. As we return to Kobe, a picture of American Panda is seen over his left shoulder.

Threat number 3: Bears! Specifically, American Panda, the BOB’s latest substar. When I first heard about American Panda, I thought, great. We’re finally sticking it to China by having some guy steal their culture while wrestling in a panda suit. But no. It’s an actual panda, people! On one episode of iMPLOSION, he ate Luke Warm. He’s been farting Texan for weeks, stinking up the whole locker room.

This godless killing machine wants to eat my jugular at MegaBrawl II. Now I understand there is a bamboo shortage, but still, I say no, sir. My blood may taste like the finest wine, but you will never get the pleasure of tasting Kobe Vintage 2008. Unless you somehow magically transform into a super hot vampiress with huge gazungas, I don’t neck with men. In conclusion, just like the Atlanta Zoo can no longer afford it’s panda cam, The BOB cannot afford to have American Panda main eventing for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS.

A picture of Kurt Angel now appears over Kobe’s left shoulder.

Threat number 2: Angels! No, I’m not talking about K-Rod going to the Mets. I’m talking about one specific Angel. The BOB’s Kurt Angel. Angels are supposed to be messengers of God, while this man appears to be a messenger of that dude from “Pineapple Express”. And trust me, Seth Rogan is not god. If he were, he would’ve gotten Elizabeth Banks to get butt naked in “Zack and Miri make a Porno.”

And Kurt, contrary to what old black and white movies will tell you, it’s not every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings. It’s every time a bell rings, an Angel gets defeated by Kobe Gyant, son! You ain’t gonna be the number one contender for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. And speaking of non-contenders…

A picture of The Great replaces Kurt’s picture over Kobe’s left shoulder.

Threat number one: The Great. Oh yes, Kobe Gyant has looked over your past Rants, The Great. This is a man who has done more doping than the entire Minnesota Vikings defensive line combined! And yet the people cheer this man? Well, The Great, they won’t be cheering you once they see you as the little man you are when compared to Kobe Gyant in the spotlight at the biggest show of them all, MegaBrawl II, son. You’re gonna go down harder than every Denver Broncos running back this year combined with every Spinal Tap drummer ever.

Kobe reaches under the desk.

There’s more talent in one of my brand new Kobe V.V. (Kobe says Version Five, not two V’s) shoes, now available from shoe gyant Ekin, at stores nationwide that carry the awesome Ekin brand. The Great, you’re about to face an All Star and see first hand why you’re just a bench warmer. Kobe Gyant is gonna lay some voodoo down on you.

Now Kobe brings up a tennis racket from under his desk.

I’ma sell this bad boy on eBay after it’s covered in blood from me bashing your head in with it, then I’ma sign it, and I’ll be rich, bitch! Just keep hangin’ with that dude who thinks he’s black. You about to feel some real black power. And that’s the wørd. Oh wait. Wrong rip-off. Peace! From the next ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS Kobe space Gyant period! Good night.

Cue closing credits.

Starring
Kobe Gyant

©2008 Face/Heel Partners Unlimited

Kobe Gyant rant American Panda, e-fed, e-wrestling, fantasy wrestling, Kobe Gyant, Kurt Angel, parody, The Great, wrestling

***The Scene opens on a Yam Farm outside of New Jersey***

*Sam Sam The Dancing Yam is sitting in his little part of the yam garden. He looks up and sees the camera looking at him recording his every action for the next few minutes while he introduces himself to those that are BOB. Those evil little pricks that call themselves “wrestlers” and those other people that call themselves “Backstage Crew”*

Sam, Sam The Dancing Yam - Well, hello peoples who are out there in the land outside of my lovely Yam patch. I greet you in the name of the great Yam in the sky.

*Sam begins smiling*

SSTDY - Some of you peoples that aren’t my lord and master, Foamy, are probably wondering how I became such a great guy!

*He pulls up a Chalkboard which has some photos tacked to it.*

SSTDY - You see, my Lord and Master, Foamy The Squirrel created me in an evil gentic experiment involving *he points to the respective pictures* Yams, Banana Cream Pie, Squirrel DNA, Human DNA and whatever they where having for lunch that day. And out came *points to himself* ME.

*He puts down the chalkboard smiling to himself and to the audience. After a few moments he looks back down at the chalkboard, scratching his head in confusion*

SSTDY - Since when did we start putting chalkboard randomly around the fields for such explanations like the one I just gave?

*He just shrugs*

SSTDY - Ah well it could be worse. At least they aren’t leaving clones of the Lord and Master. ‘Cause that would just be stupidly random and without reason. That and the last time they did that I had to unleash my secret Yam powers to stop them and Lord Foamy wasn’t very happy about that.

*Anways he turns back to the naughty camera, considering he forgot that I was there for a moment, like he forgets many things. But then again he is part Yam and since when did Yams have memories. Can you really tell me the last time a Yam had a memory?…….. Can’t think of any? Thought so. So :-p to you. Anyways back to Sam.*

SSTDY - Yes, thank you Mr. Commentry person. Not that the audience really needed to have smarmy comments thrown at them did they?

*Not really no. But I was trying to interact with the audience other then letting them know what you’re doing. It can get quite boring doing that you know?*

SSTDY - One can guess. But I’ve got to say goodbye as I think we’re out of time for today.

*But we’ve only just gone over one page on Microsoft word. How can our time be up?*

SSTDY - ‘Cause I was only suppose to introduce myself so my application could go though so just describe me waving goodbye and we can finish our conversation later.

*Okay, but you owe me one for this. Sam, Sam The Dancing Yam smiles graciously out at his audience and waves goodbye.*

SSTDY - Goodbye everyone.

Fade to Black…

Sam Sam The Dancing Yam rant brawlers on a budget, e-fed, e-wrestling, parody, Sam Sam the Dancing Yam

It’s beginning to look at lot like MegaBrawl II! Yes, Brawlers On a Budget’s biggest show of the year, MegaBrawl II, rolls into Sin City Stadium Dec. 13. Here’s what you can expect to see on the great-grandson of them all…

It’s A Wonderful Curtain Jerker Battle Royal! Yes, the winner of this one will get a shot at the Swiss Army Belt sometime down the line. The following BOBsters are scheduled to appear in this match: Little Good, Pigeon, Pretty Boy, Snapmare Kid, Tia Tar, XFactor Pete Trable, and XXXtreme Machine!

Then, two team are dreaming of a title shot for the Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Tag Team Titles, but only one can wrap up the win as The Wizard and Thomas Largeman battle Steel Chair and his apprentice The Human Foreign Object!

Then, it’s a nightmare before Christmas for feuding brothers Axl and Viruz, who are set to go one on one in a Anywhere "Anywhere Is" Is Playing Match.

Insano Mano and Kamikazie Ken have sure been naughty to nice guys Coma and Hallucination Boy. What to do? Rakes On a Plane! Yes siree, we’re gonna send these four guys up on an airplane filled with rakes and let them settle the score.

Is Zombie Mr. Fantastic the grinch who stole Death’s wife, Katie? Perhaps, but Death and Zombie Mr. Fantastic will finally have it out at MegaBrawl II in a grudge match!

Two men will be walking in a planky wonderland, as Seth Harker puts up his Acting BigBOSSship against Kid Pirate in a Walk the Plank Match!

If all you want for Christmas is some T&A, well then you’re in luck, because Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" will defend her T&A XX Division Title against Jerri Li in a Bra & Panties Soap Suds Match! Ho ho ho!

Joy to the world, a new ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS number one contender is come! But who will it be? Kurt Angel, The Great, Kobe Gyant, or American Panda?

Violent night, holy (shit) night, in the main event, EVERYTHING is on the line as Steve Studnuts defends the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS and his half of the Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Tag Team Titles against Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, who is also putting the Swiss Army Belt and HIS half of the Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Tag Team Titles. The match will be a Nicolas Cage Match, which means various Nicolas Cage DVDs will be hung on the cage and available for use as weapons in the match! Also, SMP has agreed to put his CAREER on the line, so if he loses, he’s done in BOB!

It should be an unforgettable event! Don’t miss it! Send us your money now!

(Card subject to bait-and-switch)

Ted news BOB Wrestling, brawlers on a budget, e-fed, e-wrestling, efed, ewrestling, parody, wrestling

[The woman laying next to Zombie Mr. Fantastic kisses his few strands of hair as he cuts them with a pair of scissors. He takes his false teeth from a glass of bloody water on the bedside table. He holds them in his hand and moves them like they're talking.]

Mr. Fantastic: hbey anyone got any mints?

[He shoves them into his maggot infested gums. The woman strokes half of his head.]

Mr. Fantastic: Death!

[The woman tries to nibble on his ear but it peels right off and falls onto the shoulder of his Christmas pattern turtleneck sweater. She stops finding the scene funny and climbs out of bed before running off the set. Mr. Fantastic pulls his teeth back out.]

Mr. Fantastic: bhen vhe phplasp cums… yue wilb be wipved out!

[He sits up suddenly in bed, his ribs visible through his chest. He throws a Mario hot water bottle at the camera and shakes his fist. He puts his teeth back in.]

[Static.]

Zombie Mr. Fantastic rant e-fed, e-wrestling, parody, wrestling, Zombie Mr. Fantastic