BOB eWrestling | Rant Zone Archive!

~~~Steve Studnuts is in his giagantic home in Phoenix, Az, channel surfing between scat porn and BOB promos… because shitting on people is funny.~~~

Studs: Well gatdamn, son! You took that “less is more” statement literally, didn’t ya? Congratulations.

It’s your:
BEST…..PROMO….EVER.

Heh.

~~~He picks up his cell phone~~~

Studs: Pardon me, fuck stick. I have to call my “partner”.

~~~He presses a single button and waits~~~

Studs: Come on, faggot. Pick up.

~~~A split sceen emerges. Dr. Silaconne M. Plants is seen a bit worse for wear, nervously thumbing through a leaflet in his office entitled: “Augmentations For Dummies.”~~~

(((A ringtone similar to Sade’s “Smooth Operator” is heard.)))

SMP: Hello?

Studs: Hi. Who’s this?

SMP: Huh? You called me. Who’s this?

Studs: What’s your favorite scary movie?

SMP: What?

Studs: Come on! What’s your favorite scary movie?

SMP: Who is this?

Studs: A SCARY MOVIE SURVEY GUY! Just answer the fuckin’ question.

SMP: Oh, okay. I’ll say… hmmmm.

Studs: Do you like scary movies? Come on, what’s your favorite. It’ll be fun.

SMP: I think “Blazing Yarmulkes” might be scary… but I’m going to say “The Sound of Music.”

Studs: Is that the one where the guy has KNIVES for fingers?

SMP: No, that’s Nightmare on Elm Street.

Studs: Really? Say, what’s your name?

SMP: Didn’t you call me? You should know my name. I’m a very famous professional wrestler. Dr. Silaconne M. Plants! Heard of me?

Studs: No.

SMP: Oh, well I’m VERY famous. But anyway, why do you want to know my name?

Studs: I just wanted to know who I was lookin’ at. Umm, I mean….talkin’ to.

SMP: What did you say?

Studs: I’m goin’ to gut your girlfriend like a fish! With my dick!AGAIN!

~~~Steve hangs up.~~~

Studs: BWAAAHAAAAHAAAA!

~~~Steve composes himself.~~~

Studs: Alright Axl, back to you.

First of all…kudos on becomin’ XXXtreme Machine’s new cumpot. But I guess your loose lips, in addition to makin’ you a good cumpot, have now gotten you into some trouble.

I heard a rumor in the locker room that your faggot ass and your faggot brother are lookin’ for the tag-straps. Big mistake, jerkweed.

But if you two choad smokers can ever MAKE it to a title match, I’ll deal with you then.

And that will be the day that you die. Miss American fuckin’ pie.

P.S. I fucked Michelle.

Goodbye, dick gulper!

~~~static~~~

Steve Studnuts rant Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, e-fed, Michelle, parody, Steve Studnuts, wrestling, XXXtreme Machine

[The camera pans over a night sky. Remnants of the meteor shower from the other night, which I forgot to go outside and look at, can still be seen. There's a satellite or two shining brightly in the far reaches, and a blinking marker signifying a "red eye" flight. Look, there's Uranus!

Suddenly, a whoosh of lights whiz by on a aircraft not of this world. A zoom towards one of the oval shaped windows, obviously made from a space-aged glass to resist breakage due to high speeds or crippled Soviet probes, appears a gloomy face.

An even closer zoom reveals the face to belong to Dr. Silaconne M. Plants.

Abduction?

Or maybe, just maybe, there's an alien out there that required a shitty breast augmentation...

Could this EXPLAIN the reason for SMP's lack of promos? Or is something more underhanded at work here?

What could be the cause of this?

Aliens wanting to explore and experiment on the human race yet again?

An evil plot to keep SMP from seeing that infamous tape?

Some might blame his lazy handler...

Yeah, that's probably it.]

Dr. Silaconne M. Plants rant Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, e-fed, ewrestling, parody, wrestling

~~~Becoming BOB’s first and only GRAND SLAM CHAMPION™ would undoubtedly come with some perks. Steve Studnuts has learned that winning every major championship in BOB on the same night has made him ENDORSEMENT GOD™!
Well, sort of~~~

CAPTION: BEAUTYMIST© PANTYHOSE SET (1)

~~~The camera starts at a shapely pair of feet attached to a reclined pair of muscular legs. It slowly, seductively pans upward over the calves, knees, then thighs. Continuing upward, it’s finally revealed the owner of such gams: STEVE STUDNUTS!

Studs: Now, I don’t wear panty hose, but if Beautymist can make my legs look this good, imagine what they can do for those pocked up, cellulite riddled fuckin’ fat sticks you have.

Director: CUT! You can’t say that, we’re trying to SELL these things! And you’ve stretched them all out anyway! We can’t shoot this, the hose has runs in them!

Studs: What do you expect? My legs are five times fuckin’ bigger than Namath’s.

Director: GET OUT!

JINGLE: PRICELINE NEGOTIATOR™! (2)

Studs: Listen, fuckers. Buy your fuckin’ plane tickets at priceline-dot-com, or I’ll come over to your house and beat your fuckin’ ass. Oh yeah, get your hotel reservations from there too. Or then, after I kick your ass, I’ll fuck your wife. Well, if she’s a looker. If she’s a two-bagger, I’ll just kick her ass like I will yours.

Director: CUT!

IMAGE: WRESTLING TRUNKS.

Custom made wrestling trunks, (black), with yellow SUPERMAN logo. $85

IMAGE: WRESTLING BOOTS WITH TASSELS ATTACHED

Custom made wrestling boots (black patent leather) with 6” black leather tassels adorned from the top of them. $450

IMAGE: AN “ESCORT” KNOCKING ON TREY VINCENT’S DOOR.

Purchase of expensive call girl to bribe VPiCoE, solidifying chances of becoming GRAND SLAM CHAMPION. $5, 650.

IMAGE: STEVE STUDNUTS IN A HOT TUB WITH THREE HOT CHICKS.

TRANSLATION: CHICKS WAY HOTTER THAN CHICKS YOU’LL EVER BE IN A HOT TUB WITH.

Being surrounded by gorgeous women because you’re a semi-famous professional athlete. Priceless.

VISA®- IT’S EVERYWHERE YOU WANT TO BE. (3)

OFFSCREEN VOICE: Isn’t that the American Express® catchphrase?

EDITOR: I don’t fucking know. I don’t really care. What are they gonna do, SUE ME?

CAPTION: A deserted island. Deserted except for cameras, extras, a sexy blonde (this is NOT to mean Nurse Heidi), The Flunky, and STEVE STUDNUTS. And possibly the bones of Jimmy Hoffa (NOT SHOWN).

Sexy Blonde: Mr. Studnuts, we’re on a deserted island and it’s virtually impossible for you to offend anyone with your vile language. So, what’s your honest opinion of Axl and his Hierarchy?

Studs: They are very talented. I’ve never met such fine, upstanding gentlemen. They’re among the top professional wrestlers in the business. And totally heterosexual.

Sexy Blonde: (she’s smiling, with a sparkling light reflecting off her over-the-top grin. She’s holding up a pack of ORBIT GUM®) Orbit Gum, providing a fresh clean mouth – NO MATTA WHOOT! (4)

SCENE: A KITCHEN. (5)

~~~Two boys are looking at cereal bowls.~~~

Kid 1: I’m not gonna try it, you try it.

Kid 2: No way. I’m not gonna try it.

Kid 1: Hey, let’s get Stevie! He’ll eat anything.

~~~Cut to Steve Studnuts~~~

Studs: Not unless it can grow hairs.

Boys: EWW!

Studs: You ain’t gettin’ me on a statutory.

Director: CUT!

CAPTION: BEAST™ AFTERSHAVE SET. (6)

~~~Steve Studnuts is seen wearing a caveman outfit.~~~

Studs: In the morning, when I….splash it on…. it makes me feel like a jungle rat. Umm, cat.

Director: CUT!

CAPTION: TAKE 27.

Studs: In the morning. I splash it on, it makes me…. feel like a jumbled cat.

Director: CUT! Good grief! Let’s go to the alternate set!

CAPTION: ALTERNATE SET.

~~~Steve Studnuts is in a wrestling ring while two attractive women spray “sweat” on him from bottles.~~~

Studs: When I splash it on, it makes me smeel manely.

Director: CUT! Smeel manely? It’s SMELL MANLY! Can you see that, Steve?

Studs: Huh?

Director: The cards? Can you see them?

Studs: You think this stuff makes you smell manly? I don’t.

Director: Who cares? Just read what we write on the dummy cards!

Studs: Dummy cards? Yo, I might be… what you call….punchy, but I’m no dummy.

Director: CUT! I’m scrapping this whole thing! We’ve wasted a lot of time and money, because YOU CAN’T READ!

Studs: Heh.

CAPTION: ISOTONER® GLOVES SET. (7)

Studs: I wear Isotoner gloves, because I take care of the hands that sometimes take care of me. Ya dig?

Director: No! That’s not in the script! What are you talking about?

Studs: You know, sometimes I gotta flog the dolphin a bit. Play old tug-o-war with Cyclops from time to time. Not a lot, just in emergencies.

Director: CUT!

SCENE: A BAR. (8)

~~~A nightclub full of wild boars. An attractive woman walks in and has a seat at the counter next to a boar. The boar leaves her side and walks to the bathroom, then up to a condom dispenser. A condom falls out and the boar takes it in his mouth and walks back into the bar.~~~

Director: CUT! This is the part where we “transform” the boar into a civilized human being, responsible enough to choose a condom! Where’s that wrestling actor guy?

Stage Hand: That’s him, sir.

Director: That’s a fucking pig!

Stage Hand: Exactly.

Director: CUT!

SCENE: A GENERIC AMUSEMENT PARK.

VOICEOVER: RIDE THE SPERMINATOR®!

~~~Steve Studnuts is seen standing in front of a “TOWER OF DOOM” seat drop shaped like a giant penis.~~~

VOICEOVER: ONLY AT SUPERWHACKYFUNLAND™! (9)

CAPTION: VIDAL SASSOON™ SET (10)

Director: Okay listen, we know your reputation. Remember, please… our slogan is: “If you don’t look good, we don’t look good.” Can you manage it?

Studs: Sure.

Director: Are you POSITIVE?

Studs: Of course.

Director: ACTION!

Studs: If you don’t look good….

~~~There’s a brief pause, everybody except Steve Studnuts waits in nervous anticipation.~~~

Studs: …. It’s because you’re a fugly bitch and this gatdamn shampoo sure as fuck won’t help.

Director: Oh, FUCK ME! I KNEW IT! CUT!

CAPTION: POWER IS STOLEN PROMO/HYPERBOLE SET

Studs: Death, I see we’re matched up at Power is Stolen, pickin’ random partners for a tag-team match. I’ll assume the NGETFA, umm, management is gonna have to change that- I AM good enough to fuckin’ fight alone. Ya dig? I’m the tag-team champs by myself, totally destroying the logic behind the tag-team’s “title”. So to speak.

ANYway, are the titles on the line? It’s doesn’t matter really. Pick whomever you want, go ahead and dial a number. I’m pickin’ the most losery loser of all time to prove I can beat you with anybody.

He’s the biggest choker in BOB history. He doesn’t even RP anymore. He can’t win titles here unless he buys them or gets lucky in a triple threat match. How do I stand a chance with a fuckin’ lame like that as a partner, huh?

Why, because I’m Steve Studnuts, you bony mother fucker. And you’re not.

But I KNOW! YOU WISH! YOU COULD BE!

~~~Darkness~~~

Steve Studnuts rant Death, Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, e-fed, parody, Steve Studnuts, Trey Vincent, wrestling

INSERT PROMO HERE. WHAT? YOU FORGOT? THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE ONE TO WIN ME THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS! ………. D’OH!

Dr. Silaconne M. Plants rant brawlers on a budget, Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, e-fed, parody, wrestling

The camera opens up on a large room. It’s the biggest room you’ve ever seen. It’s so big it’s in the Guiness Book of World Room Size Records. And it’s poorly lit because the owner of the room is 10,000% committed to fighting global warming. As well as all forms of cancer and AIDS and mad cow disease and world hunger. The only light comes from an energy efficient lamp in the corner. It’s so energy efficient that the power company pays him just for running it. on the far wall are tons of trophies. Thousands of trophies. The wall actually is eternal there are so many trophies and frames and article clippings.

The camera zooms in one one of the pictures that shows a man in a basketball uniform, his arms raised, one hand clutching a basketball. The name Kobe Gyant is scribbled across the picture like an autograph. Suddenly, the room is flooded with light, like if Hurricane Katrina were a lightbulb, it would be 20 times brighter. Camera pans around, passing a giant desk with an office chair that looks way more comfortable than even heaven could hope to be, then over to the doorway, the source of the light that no doubt has left you blinder than Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder combined. In the doorway is a tall, dark figure.

The door closes, and all of America rejoices as this dark figure takes a seat in front of the camera, which he patented by the way. The name? Kobe Gyant.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Welcome Brawlers On a Budget viewers to my palatial estate. This is a room I usually only let a select few lucky ladies visit before I let them ride my 20 inches of love. I only let myself into this room a couple hours ago to decorate for this big debut “Rant.” Sorry it’s not in better condition. But in that short amount of time, I’ve reached Nirvana, and hung out with Buddha, Jesus and some other cool cats somewhere in that great gig in the sky. They say Wilt Chamberlain slept with 20,000 women. I did that by last week, and I’m not even 18. Shoot, I’ll be having a fivesome right after this interview. The ladies can’t keep their hands off Kobe Gyant. Sadly, because sex education was outlawed in my state, I also have about 20,000 babies. I thought that spray ketchup and mustard on my stuff before sex was “prevention.” Turns out those are condiments, not condoms. Now, I know what you’re saying. How can someone with an IQ of 215 not know the difference between a condom and condiments. Well, let’s just say that public education in this country is odious.

Kobe picks up a frame off his desk. It’s a newspaper clipping with the headline: Gyant Rescues Midget, Sheep From Burning Orphanage. Subhead: Why Were There Sheep In Orphanage? You Won’t Baaa-lieve It!

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Ahh, memories. After I saved that poor orphan, I threw sheep up over his bed until he fell asleep. I couldn’t believe it took him four hours to fall asleep. Must have been all the thumping and crashing when the sheep landed. *Shrugs* Just another day in the life of Kobe Gyant. I’m a human, human interest story. I went on to score 49 points in the last minute of the championship game that night. Our team won 149 to 12. From the jaws of certain defeat, I delivered victory, along with my great teammate, Shaq Blaq. Poor Blaq, standing up there at the podium trying to take credit like a trooper, but he knew I was the real star that night. He only had 47 points. And yes, I know all too well the pain of being an orphan. I was orphaned five times. But I’m so loved that I had families killing each other just to adopt me.

Kobe shakes his head as if deep in thought while putting the picture back on the desk.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

There’s an entire wing named after me at my high school. I won the lottery and bought a wing. They made it in like three days. But then I had to give my baby mamas child support. And I’m also about $20 mil in debt thanks to an hour in Sin City. And did I mention I’m under indictment for points shaving? Which explains why I’m here today. The BOB, I’ve got some bills, son! My only fear in this life? Not being the best at everything I do. And now I can’t be the top basketball player in the universe anymore due to a lifetime ban from the sport, even at the YMCA! Like I always say, if you’re gonna get banned, get banned for life.

Kobe picks up a picture of Steve Studnuts holding the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. He tosses it aside.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

I’ve conquered basketball. I’ve conquered 20,000 women, soon to be 20,005 and counting. So, I might as well be the best wrestler I can be. Get ready, The BOB! Get ready, Steve Studnuts. Get ready The Great. Get ready Mr. Paradox. Get ready Dr. Silaconne M. Plants. You think you know what a champion is? You ain’t seen a champion yet. Someday you’ll have the honor of getting you butt kicked by Kobe Gyant. There’s been a lot of talk of me being a one-man show but that’s simply not the case. I’m a one-man team! I’ll win every title you’ve got, I’ll win every match you give me. They say I can’t win without Shaq. I guess we’ll see in The BOB. I’ll show them all.

So sign me up BigBoss or Trey Vincent or Seth Harker, whoever’s running this place. Oh wait, I already AM signed!

Kobe holds up a contract with the word “BOB” on top. Kobe quickly signs it.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Biggest contract in BOB history. I’ll be paying off my debts…on a weekly basis.

[END]

Kobe Gyant rant BigBOSS, Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, e-fed, Kobe Gyant, Mr. Paradox, parody, seth harker, Steve Studnuts, The Great, Trey Vincent, wrestling

~~~Steve Studnuts is at his computer, grumbling noticeably. Connie Lingus, the oh so hot Connie Lingus, approaches cautiously.~~~

Connie: What are you doing, Steve? Still trying to figure out what side I’m on? Your’s or Trey’s? I know it was little confusing at !MPLOSION! 8, but coming to one of shows for the very first time was kinda fun.

Studs: No, it wasn’t fun. You bein’ there cock blocked me all night. How the hell am I gonna snake some strange pussy with you around?

Connie: Huh? I KNEW you cheated on me at those things!

Studs: Umm, yeah. I was jokin’.

Connie: Oh, okay. You had me nervous for a minute there.

Studs: What-the-fuck-ever. Look, I don’t give a fuck about Trey right now. I’m pissed at him for makin’ me do promos this week. It’s fuckin’ summertime, motherfucker! It’s Fourth of July week! Who the fuck wants to be inside doin’ gatdamn promos? Plants doesn’t, he ain’t done shit since he fucked up the American Idol finale. I’m surprised he didn’t do one where he fucked up the Hell’s Kitchen finale.

Yet, even though he hasn’t done a gatdamn promo in a fuckin’ month, there he is in the GRAND SLAM FINAL. Remember the other day when I said that motherfucker has more lives than Victor Kiriakis?

Connie: Yes…

Studs: Well I just saw last night, while standing in line at the grocery store pickin’ up some MAGNUM BRAND RUBBERS, that Stefano is awake from his coma. THAT motherfucker has died more times than Kiriakis! And Plants has more lives than BOTH of them fuckin’ combined!

Connie: Ummm, what are you talking about?

Studs: STEFANO, motherfucker! Stefano fuckin’ DiMera! He has cheated death…. look, I Wikipedia-ed it for you. Come over here and look at this screen.

~~~Connie walks over and sees this:~~~

This list includes times Stefano faked his death, was presumed dead, or was reported dead by others.

A stroke in 1983.
His car plunged into the icy waters of Salem’s harbor during a police chase in 1984
Marlena shot him, and he fell from a catwalk as the building caught fire in 1985 (he also had a brain tumor)
In 1991, he was presumed to have died in another fire and cave collapse.
In 1994, his car erupted into a fireball after being shot at by John.
Also in 1994, he drowned near Maison Blanche.
In 1996, he died in a plane explosion.
Again, in 1996, he was blown up and buried under collapsing tunnel during confrontation with Rachel Blake. This was his last depicted “death”.
In 2002, Andre Dimera claimed that his uncle had died from injuries sustained from a car crash in Monte Carlo.
In 2004, when Marlena found a blackened, unrecognizable corpse, Andre claimed it was Stefano. Andre said he had killed Stefano by draining his blood so Andre could cure his own blood disease.

Studs: See all that? Plants has outlasted all of that shit right there. How the hell did he make it to the GRAND SLAM FINALS?

Connie: I dunno.

Studs: It’s a pity push! Plants couldn’t win the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS even if he was the only guy in fuckin’ match. He’s cursed. Even though he made it there, he ain’t winning.

Mr. Paracoxin his mouth fucked himself right into blackball city and The Great is no where to be found. He ain’t said nothin’ in weeks. He must be scared. And by the way, who’s dick is HE suckin? Has that motherfucker lost a match since he’s been here?

Connie: Again, I have no idea.

Studs: Well tell me this…

~~~He goes back to studying the computer screen with his original project when Connie walked in.~~~

Studs: Do you think Trey will trade me LaDainian Tomlinson for Frank Gore?

Connie: What?

Studs: Fantasy football! Shit, do you live in a fuckin’ cave?

Connie: Oh..my….God. You play THAT! That stuff is SO fake! It’s kind of like fantasy parody online wrestling.

Studs: Well, not really. At least these are real players. Ya dig?

Connie: *sigh* Whatever…

Studs: So… do you think he’ll trade me or what?

Connie: I have no idea.

Studs: Well, maybe you can ask him when you’re doin’ him on his washing machine while doin’ his laundry in it. Heh.

Connie: Steve? Let me explain…

Studs: SHUDDAP, BITCH! Go fix me a turkey pot pie.

~~~She leaves, apparently to go fix a turkey pot pie.~~~

Studs: At UnFOURgiven, Plants, Paradox, The Great…. you motherfuckers are goin’ down. I’m walkin’ out with all the gold.
Not a promise…
Not an idle threat….
Not anythin’ else….

……but a GAT-DAMN FACT!

Because I’m Steve Studnuts, THE ONLY CHAMPION IN THIS PROMOTION THAT MATTERS…

…..and you’re not.

But I KNOW….
You WISH….

YOU COULD BE!

~~~static~~~

Steve Studnuts rant Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, e-fed, e-federation, e-wrestling, Mr. Paradox, parody, Steve Studnuts, The Great, Trey Vincent, wrestling

“Face the Truth.”

“SMP… he’s washed up. Hell, he hasn’t even earned the title of BEING washed up! The guy’s barely a blip on the radar! And he has just about as much chance of holding the OWTTM as he does of holding Nurse Heidi… which is about the same chance he has of defeating Trey Vincent, or even Kevin! SMP? He’s a joke.”

“Seth… he’s way too preoccupied with fighting his former best friend to even THINK about the Beer in the Belly Match. And let’s face it… the guy’s… well… he’s full of himself. You just gotta hate people like that. Seth Harker? He’s a joke.”

“Mano… he’s not even worth mentioning, but because I must, THE GUY’S THE BIGGEST JOKE OF THEM ALL.”

“And no matter WHO pins Seth [because you just know there's no chance in hell Seth's walking away with the win], whether they be big, small, fat, thin, male, female, or have a hundred legs, a soda can for a nose, and a stick lodged through their head, I WILL CRUSH THEM. For I am NO joke.”

“I am Axl.”

“And I Am better… than… you.”

Rose: AXL! Are you washing the dishes in there, or are you running your DAMN mouth?!

Axl: I’m sorry dear! *mumbling* bitch…

Rose: WHAT WAS THAT?!

Axl: Uh… er, uhm, ah- I said I’m RICH… with love and affection for you, sweetiekins.

Rose: Sure… Just you make sure those pots are spotless, or I’m taking a sharp knife and cutting off that toothpick dick of yours, so I can have TWO holes to shove my strap-on in!

Axl: I’M WASHING, I’M WASHING!

[We open to the kitchen of the Residence of Evil. Axl is busy scrubbing the dishes clean, while Rose sets down on the sofa, picking the meat of a chicken bone, her eyes glued to the tv set. On the screen is Viruz, who is holding a press conference in Sinister City... discussing the details of the X-Station Wii60... and more importantly, the Vortex.]

Viruz: Ladies and gentlemen. I have gathered you here today to reveal the greatness of a gaming console, which will soon be available in stores across the nation. A system that shall revolutionize the way we think of not only video games, but entertainment itself, forEVER. For years, the gamers have been bored with what has been presented to them. I’m telling you, it’s time for a CHANGE! And so, I give you… the X-Station… Wii…SIXTY!!!

[Viruz rips a sheet from off the covered console, unveiling it for the first time... Wait. Is that... a potted plant? ...]

Viruz: [looks over at the plant] DAMMIT! Wrong sheet. Wait a minute…

[Viruz turns to the other side, and our camera pans to find another covered console. The sheet is removed... and we find a plate full of pancakes. Wow, this must be the most disorganized unveiling in the history of computer entertainment... or anything for that matter.]

Viruz: Huh. Well, ok, I’ll just say this. It looks cool. … REALLY cool. And it IS real… so don’t start- NO, don’t start leaving! People! Come back- FUCK!

Press Guy: We shoulda known better than to trust someone in a mask to unveil a “cool” gaming system! He’s afraid to show his face, cuz he knows we might come to his house and kick his ass!

Viruz: HA! I scoff! I could kick every last one of your asses!

[A big, burly bastard of a guy steps onto the stage, and gets in Vi's face.]

Viruz: Uh… maybe… not EVERY last one of you? Heheh… *gulp*

[The focus switches back to the living room of the Residence of Evil, as we hear loud crashing noises coming from the set.]

Rose: Ugh… leave it to Axl’s nerdy brother to have his face pounded in by the press. I guess you could say Vi’s one guy who didn’t want to “MEET THE PRESS”, bwahahahahahahahahaha! … Crickets.

: . . . meanwhile . . . :

[We head on over to "Blah-Mart", the local supermarket of Sinister City. Pigeon is sitting atop a display of Diet Cherry Vannilla Chocolate 'Pipsa' Cola, legs dangling, both of them in a cast. He broods.]

Pigeon: Pipsa… the Cola of a New Generation. A generation on the brink of a total and unequivocal meltdown. A meltdown that will bring this sordid mortal coil to its knees. Knees dirty with the mud of a forgotten youth.

Pigeon: Quoth the Pigeon… Product Placement Rules.

[Steve Roydz walks into the scene, wearing a wig of dreadlocks, along with short black spandex, with the letter "T" on the back. His entire body is covered with black-flesh-colored make-up... This can't be good.]

Roydz: Stevie Roydz is on like a pot ah chicken bone, dawg! Save the drama fo’ ya mammy, dawg! I’m black, bitch dawg! Once ya go black, ya go deaf, dawg! It’s time to hate the game and dawg the playa’, dawg! You want some, come get some, best be big nuff’ bad nuff take some, you don’t like me, bite me, you best be big nuff, bad nuff… uh… DAWG!

["Stevie" tries to perform a Spinaroonie, but only succeeds in smacking his feet into the display...]

Pigeon: AAAAHHHH!!!

[Pigeon falls off the display... all of the cans tumbling down upon him as he collides with the floor.]

Pigeon: MY ARMS! NOW HOW WILL I FLAP THEM!!! YOU STUPID SON-OF-A-

Stevie: You DIDN’T say that! TELL ME… you didn’t just say that! Now can you shovel that…

: . . . meanwhi -

Stevie: BLOWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

: . . . meanwhile . . . :

*ring…ring*

Axl: Hello… Oh, Lord Vader, I- … Choose? Between what? … My success, and…. you can’t be serious? But… I- I understand. It’s just… yes, I know. I have to take a stand if I expect to master the power of the dark side. And to do so – I must choose. I… I will… Soon. … Tonight? … Fine. I’ll… I’ll see you tonight. Goodbye…

*click*

|where one door closes… another door opens|

Axl rant Axl, Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, e-fed, Kevin the Pyromaniac, parody, seth harker, Steve Roydz, Trey Vincent, Viruz

[Kevin The Pyromaniac is watching a portable TV on the porch before his backyard.]

Kevin: Mr. Paradox, Trey Vincent was my idol. To me he is the pinnacle of sports entertainment. When I held the NGETFA tag titles with him it was like a boyhood dream come true. Like when Edge held the tag belts in that other federation with Hulk Hogan. But just like the Hulk, Trey has an evil streak in him and it is as black as night. He betrayed me. He cost me my half of the titles. And he cost me my spot in the main event at Unfourgiven. And he cost me my idol. Tonight I have a chance to gain back some of the things I’ve lost, but to do it I have to not only defeat Trey Vincent I also have to stop Dr. Siliconne frickin’ M. Plants to do it. To be honest I don’t have a chance against two main eventers, but I did want to say something. I understand your hatred of Trey Vincent now, he is evil and sick and I wouldn’t want to hold the belts with him anymore either. But there is a weapon you and I share in common that these ’sports entertainers’ don’t have. We’re both hardcore. If I can out sports entertain the sports entertainers, knock over that dumb ass Generic Ref, and have free reign with weapons and my trusty can of gasoline, we could become THE hardcore tag team. Sports entertainment be damned, nobody would take those straps off us.

[Kevin takes a sword from off screen and walks onto the parched earth of his backyard. He swings it around a few times as it sparkles in the June sun.]

Kevin: You know you could do a lot of damage with this.

[Kevin sets up two scarecrows stuffed with straw and sticks magazine cutouts of Trey Vincent and Siliconne M. Plants' faces onto them. He sits on an upturned rock and pulls out his gas can.]

Kevin: I’m gonna have to save your ass from the shit your in, Mr. Paradox.

[Kevin ignites the sword which goes up with a whoosh. Kevin screams and charges at the scarecrows, stabbing and slashing them with the burning sword until they go up in flames.]

Kevin: PYROMANIA~!!1

Kevin the Pyromaniac rant Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, e-fed, Kevin the Pyromaniac, Mr. Paradox, parody, Trey Vincent, wrestling

~~~Steve Studnuts is at the Arizona Center in downtown Phoenix at the Piano Bar, a gaggle of hot chicks navigate around him like the moons to his Jupiter. He has a championship belt draped over his shoulder. A giant arrow, digitalized on the screen appears over the title, with flashing words ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS over it. We join in progress~~~

Studs: So the penis says,”Is that as deep as it gets?”

~~~The girls force laughter.~~~

Studs: BWAAA HAAA HAAA! You get it?

Girl1: Steve, you’re SO funny!

Studs: Yep, but not as funny as motherfuckers that insert their own foot into their mouth!

Girl 2: I can do that!

~~~She removes her pump and seductively sucks her own toes.~~~

Studs: Say now. You’re pretty flexible. What’s your name, honey?

Girl 2: Gertrude.

Studs: What the fuck? How could a hot ass bitch like you end up with such an ugly gatdamn name? I’m gonna call you Sasha.

Girl 2: Isn’t that like, a Croatian name for a man?

Studs: Ya know, I think I heard that somewhere. How about I just call you Sarah?

Girl 2: Sarah? Okay. Why Sarah?

Studs: Let’s just say I’d like to fuck Sarah again. Ya dig? Just like I did at !MPLOSION 8! HA!

Girl 2: Okay!

Girl 3: HEY! Why does girl 2 get all the action? You can call me Sarah!

Studs: Sure, I’ll call you Sarah too. I’ll call all you bitches Sarah, and then we can have a great big Sarah fuckin’ orgy. How about that?

~~~The women giggle and do cheerleading kicks~~~

Studs: Now, excuse me while I conduct some business. Run along and freshen up.

~~~They collectively run to the restroom.~~~

Studs: Dr.Thrilla, I’m happy to see your dumbass wiggin’ out and tearin’ up your own shit for a change, as it’s now painfully obvious you’re what’s known in the biz as a bridge. You and your fag buddy Paradox are all upset about what? You lost a title after just winning it? You just got picked to bridge the title over to somebody else, and free me up to capture the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS.

Like Stan Stasiak did when he took the belt off Pedro Morales so Bruno could get it back. They didn’t want Bruno to beat Morales, so Stasiak got like a five day run as the bridge. Billy Graham was the same thing, in a sense, although he kept it longer and was actually a draw. Truth is, he bridged from Sammartino to Backlund, he was just a lot better than Stasiak. Learn your history, jerkweed —or fuck knuckles like you are doomed to repeat it.

~~~He rubs his chin for second~~~

Studs: Snitskey, huh? Push, huh? As a matter of FACT, faggots, this is the first time I’ve ever held this piece of shit. I’ve been here eight fuckin’ years. Yeah, I’m gettin’ a fuckin’ push because I do what I do and don’t fuckin’ publically cry when I drop a belt to an inferior, non-entertaining, no-charisma-havin’, shit burger like Thrilla. I was out of the tournament, that’s the way it fuckin’ goes. And if you think I knew beforehand that I was replacin’ Joe BananaFucker, then you’re wrong.

The people who matter know the truth, say whatever you want. I didn’t whine about it.

And finally, I have THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS, and thank God I got it before Plants did, I’d probably kill myself if he got it before me.

Which reminds me, that motherfucker has more lives than Victor Kiriakis. How is he STILL in the hunt for UnFOURgiven?

Plants, I should just take this title right now and scratch off Heidi’s first part of that safe combination, but what fun would that be? We have to keep the marks thinkin’ you still have a chance.

But first, you have to get by Trey and Kevin in the Triple Threat, and then get by myself and The Great at UnFOURgiven. I wouldn’t worry about Paradox, looks like he fucked himself right into a punishment job. Heh.

Good luck fuckers! I’m off to tear Jerri Li a new asshole.

Literally.

~~~The girls return~~~

Studs: You bitches ready to fuck? Let’s go!

~~~They stand. Steve puts his arms around two of them, the rest mill around behind them as they all exit, whispering and gesturing to each other. ~~~

Studs: Hey, any of you bitches watch football, or fuck football players and have some inside contacts? I need tickets to some Sin City Icons games this year….

~~~static~~~

Steve Studnuts rant Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, Dr. Thrilla, e-fed, Jerri Li, Joe Bananas, Kevin the Pyromaniac, parody, Sarah "The Jobber Slayer", Steve Studnuts, Trey Vincent, wrestling

[The scene: Happy Ending Bar. Trey Vincent is sitting at the bar, emptying a glass full of brown liquid. That's when he noticed a lovely young thing next to him.]

TV: Wow (he said staring directly at her chest). Awesome.

[The Asian was about to get up when Trey put a hand on her shoulder.]

TV: You know how some guys are all about gigantic boobs. Let me tell you, honey. Those are absolutely perfect just the way they are. I bet some guys just pass you by. Their loss. Seriously. You have no idea what I would give just to have the honor of seeing that flat chest of yours and rubbing my face on it all night long. I’m harder than a wall, you’re flatter than one. We’re a perfect match. Seriously. Do me a favor. Promise me you’ll never get implants.

Asian: Seriously? You…who are you? I swear I’ve seen you before.

[Trey noticed the front door of the bar open then, and Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" stepped inside and scanned the place, probably looking for him.]

TV: Hey, I’ve gotta go hang out with my girlfriend. Wanna hang with us?

Asian: No thanks, I’m not into three-ways.

TV: How do you feel about lesbian sitch with a guy just watching?

Asian: I need to go.

TV: What if I’m not even in the room. Are you opposed to me watching via Web cam?

Asian: Not funny.

TV: Seriously, don’t get implants. Especially not from Dr. Silaconne M. Plants. He’ll ruin those fried eggs! Awwwwww! Plants, don’t think I forgot about you. I know you’ve been busy crying in your tears over Heidi’s cheatin’ pussy. Did you know I hit that, too? Oh yeah. I hit that. I think EVERYONE has hit that except for you by this point. Now, if you’ll excuse me, there are a ton of flat-chested Asians in here I have to stop from getting unnecessary tit surgery from you. Once Kevin and I beat you and Paradox, a guy you’ve been having tons of problems with on the last couple episodes of iMPLOSION, well, I’ll be one step closer to shoving myself down everyone’s throats. Much like I’ll be doing to Sarah later. But shhhh. Don’t tell her. Heh.

Sarah: Hey, asshole.

TV: Hey, Sarah. You ready to get shitfaced?

Sarah: For the last time, no! Now let’s get drunk.

TV: Can’t blame a guy for trying.

Sarah: You’re sick. Now, about Studnuts. What’s the plan? He threatened my fallopian tubes!

TV: Honestly, I’m on my own mission tonight. To save the world of plastic surgery disasters. Won’t you help?

Sarah: What? Since when are you against gigantic boobs?

TV: Since SMP is my opponent next week on iMPLOSION. I need to crush him.

Sarah: Speaking of Plants and Heidi, what about Studnuts?

TV: Well, I guess everyone will just tune in to find out where I stand. Now, are you down with having a three-way with someone in here tonight, or do we need to crown a new ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS?

[Sarah stared at him in shock for several seconds.]

Sarah: You fucking asshole.

[Sarah grabbed a beer and threw it in his face and then stormed away toward the door.]

TV: *Hic* … Oh, fuck. KEY*Hic*STONE? That’s just LOW, Sarah!

[Trey retook his stool.]

TV: (To no one in particular) She’ll be back. Bartender! Ooh, I’m vibrating.

[Trey reached into his pants and pulled out his cell phone.]

TV: 602? Hello? … Connie Lingus? I was just looking at naked pictures of you yesterday. Tell me, what are you wearing? …

[The plot thickens? So we fade out with a confusing ending after a sad ending at the Happy Ending.]

Trey Vincent rant Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, e-fed, Kevin the Pyromaniac, Mr. Paradox, parody, Sarah "The Jobber Slayer", Steve Studnuts, Trey Vincent, wrestling