BOB eWrestling | Rant Zone Archive!

This Wednesday, Brawlers On a Budget returns to G5 TV with it’s season finale, Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION! #14, the final stop before our next BOB-On-Demand event, October Surprise.

BOBWrestling.com has received the following information regarding Wednesday’s iMPLOSION from BOB’s Acting Vice President In Charge of Everything Dr. Silaconne M. Plants:

-Swiss Army Belt champion Steve Studnuts defends against The Great, Death, XFactor Pete Trable, and "Stupendous" Stephen Hawking in a Swiss Army Belt Scrabble Scramble Match. Here are the rules for the match: The match will last 20 minutes. The order of entry is as follows: XFactor Pete Trable, Death, The Great, Steve Studnuts, "Stupendous" Stephen Hawking.

There are two ways to win. Either A. You pin every other competitor in the match before the 20 minute time limit expires (i.e., Studnuts would have to pin The Great, Death, Trable, and Hawking before time expires), or B. Score the last pin in the match. There are no DQs or countouts. Also, just confirmed: football players from the Sin City Icons of the FBL will be at ringside making Scrambled Eggs for use as weapons. This one will no doubt get egg-treme!

-And will we find out who bought the Beer in the Belly case? Trey Vincent indicated that he sold it on iMPLOSION 11. Could we see it cashed in?

All this, and possibly less on the next Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION!

(Card subject to bait-and-switch)

Ted rant brawlers on a budget, e-fed, e-wrestling, parody, wrestling

RESULTS FROM BRAWLERS ON A BUDGET’S TOTAL NON-ACTION WRESTLING iMPLOSION! #13

-The show kicked off with Kamikazie Ken and Insano Mano attempting to call a truce with the Fetish Freaks after last week’s events. Their solution? A special homemade dinner, featuring Friend Tentacle and Ground Beast!

-Zombie Mr. Fantastic and Kid Pirate’s match ended in a no contest once Seth Harker, Steve Studnuts, Trey Vincent, and Sarah “The Jobber Slayer” stormed the ring and attacked Kid Pirate. The Great, XFactor Pete Trable, and Death made the rescue, though Death went looking for some of Zombie Mr. Fantastic first. Eventually, Jerri Li, Christian St. Christian, Scatman, Kamikazie Ken, Insano Mano all got involved in the giant fustercluck.

-After the brawl came to a standstill, BOB’s Acting Vice President in Charge of Everything Dr. Silaconne M. Plants arrived to make an addition to Snore Games: Kid Pirate! Studnuts demanded a fifth member for his team, and in a shocker, named Plants as their fifth man! The iAd then tried to cause dissension between Pirate and Plants, showing a video from a past episode of iMPLOSION in which SMP Nipple Cutted Pretty Boy!

-Viruz volunteered to take on American Panda at October Surprise. SMP was glad to make that match, and booked a Bamboo on a Bamboo Pole Match.

-Kobe Gyant and Al U. Minium-Ladder defeated Steel Chair and Red Chair due to outside interference by the 4 Steelchairs and Va-Jay-Jay Dillon.

-Post-match, Mike “The Montone” Monroe, Woody Table and Acoustic Guitar came to Gyant and Ladder’s rescue. We were also treated to a catfight between Kay Fabe and Dillon!

-Kurt Angel declared a zombie jihad and challenged Zombie Mr. Fantastic to a match at October Surprise.

-Fingerbang XXX (XXXtreme Machine and Snapmare Kid) then faced off in a town hall debate, trying to convince uncommitted viewers to buy October Surprise. The Wizard and Thomas Largeman appeared on the scene and put a beating down on FXXX.

-In what turned out to be the main event, Jerri Li defeated Kay Fabe in a match that was too hot for TV! You’ve just got to see it to believe it. Jerri Li in nothing but saran wrap? Oh baby!

-In a shocking post-match development, “Stupendous” Stephen Hawking was found thrown down a flight of stairs. Who pushed Hawking’s wheelchair down the stairs?

-Kid Pirate and Kamikazie Ken had a dramatic face to face staredown. Interspecies sexual tension anyone?

-With the show rapidly running out of time, we found out that there will be a special bonus iMPLOSION next week! The promised Swiss Army Belt Scrabble Scramble Match between Steve Studnuts, The Great, XFactor Pete Trable, and Death will go on as scheduled. But what about Hawking? Will he be able to gut out the pain and compete? Does a paraplegic feel pain?

Check out Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION! #13!

Ted news brawlers on a budget, e-fed, e-wrestling, parody, wrestling

[The camera opens to Axl lying on the couch, in front of the tv, checking out the replay of "Running On Empty"... an ice pack on his forehead, from one of the numerous piranha bites he suffered.]

[The audio from the television set is heard, as Axl grimaces in pain...]

Pigeon: Hey, look. It’s Jeff Hardy and Bono making out in the front row!

Axl: What? Where!

*CRUNCHSPLASH*

[Axl wonders aloud...]

Axl: How did he know… I coulda sworn I didn’t post it on my MySpace… and I’m pretty sure I didn’t say anything about it on the Hardy Boyz or U2 forums that I frequent every day from the time I wake up at 3pm till the time I go to bed… usually around 6am the next morning… I wonder how he knew?

Michelle: Knew what?

[Michelle walks into the picture, perplexed by Axl's question.]

Axl: Uh… er… MICHELLE! I’ve been meaning to talk to you. You know, I really thought you loved me… I really thought you cared…

Michelle: What ever gave you that idea? ERRR, I mean, of course I do baby! So, uh… what’s the deal? Because I really need some of your sweet, sweet “Mayor of Sinister City” moolah. I’ve got my eyes set on this diamond encrusted vibrator…

Axl: Michelle, I heard what you said on commentary! Now, I could handle Pigeon, because he was worthless to the Hierarchy anyway. But YOU?! I’d never in a million years expect YOU, my Queen, to betray me!

Michelle: … Wha’?

Axl: Feast your eyes on the tv set!

[Axl sets the ice pack on the table, and tracks the tape to a certain part, before pressing play...]

Michelle: Hehehehe. (Whispering) Scotty, to be honest, I think Axl’s only asking me who my daddy is so Axl can picture him naked.

Axl: And THIS!!!

[He presses fast forward... yeah, I'm cutting the narration short. Just doing my duty to keep this thing under six pages. You can thank me later, John...]

Michelle: This is just like being on ecstasy when Axl’s in the room. Just really, really confusing and disappointing.

Axl: SO?! What do you have to say for yourself?!

Michelle: I… I… … *snort* BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh dear LORD, I crack me up! Strangely, I’m more funny at On-Demands and iMPLOSION tapings than I am, like, you know, now?

Axl: I’m funny…

Michelle: Huh? No, I said I’M not funny.

Axl: No, I… I mean to say… nevermind. … You think I’m an ok writer, don’t you? I mean… I don’t suck out loud, do I?

Michelle: I wouldn’t know. I don’t have a dick.

Axl: … THAT’S IT! This relationship is FINISHED!

Michelle: … Ok? Seriously, there’s plenty of guys just banging at the door to be with me…

Axl: Really? Already coming back for seconds, are they?

Michelle: !!! You take that back!

Axl: MAKE ME!

Michelle: Nah.

Axl: SO I – … Wait, what? You’re supposed to argue back!

Michelle: Dude, I don’t blow out a blood vessel over every fucking little thing like you. Why don’t you argue with yourself? You might actually win something for once!

Axl: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU BITCH!!!

Michelle:

Axl: GRRRR… Alright, you can stay… but bring in Viruz. I need to speak with my brother… alone.

Michelle: Oooo, I smell incest! And it smells ROTTEN!

Axl: JUST BRING THE SUMBITCH IN HERE, WILL YA?!

[Michelle sticks out her tounge, before heading for the door. Viruz enters, Michelle exits. As Axl sits on the couch, tapping his fingers away at the armrest, Viruz looks a bit puzzled.]

Viruz: So, uh, hey bro… you call me in here -

Axl: VIRUZ. You dissapoint me.

Viruz: … Right… Is that all?

Axl: … No.

Viruz: Fuck, not another one of your long ass boring diatribes… I mean! Uh… aw shit, go ahead, get it over with. [looks at watch] Dammit, I better not miss Deep Space Nine for this…

Axl: Brother… my loyal, and most trusted consultant… friend… peer… bro. The one whom sprung forth from the very same womb as I. My brethran. Viruz. Good, and loyal, and trusted, and worthy, and -

Viruz: GODDAMIT, FUCK, WILL YA JUST PLEASE, JUST HURRY THIS SHIT UP?! GOD!!!

Axl: … Ahem. As you know, we competed in a handicap match against Pigeon at Running on Empty.

Viruz: … Yeah, wow, that only occured, what, 5 FRICKIN’ HOURS AGO?!

Axl: And I’m still feeling the pain.

Viruz: I’m feeling the pain… Oh dear God, do you ever have anything to say, or do you just start rambling, and pray that whatever comes out forms a coherent thought?

Axl: I’M TRYING TO SPEAK, ALRIGHT?! Can I finish?!

Viruz: I wish you would…

Axl: -_- Anyway… As I was saying. During our match, you forced Detached Narrator to hand you the Narrating powers.

Viruz: … I did? … I thought he forced ME to take over for him so he could mess with Scotty?

Axl: REGARDLESS. When you took over, you pressed a button. A button of cataclysmic proportions. A button that you KNEW you shouldn’t have pressed!

Viruz: Was it a campaign button?

Axl: That one wasn’t even funny!

Viruz: I know, you wrote that one!

Axl: Bastard, I did not! Lies…

Viruz: But that was just ONE lie.

Axl: Well… uh… you DID tell more than one lie. The first one was that I wrote that.

Viruz: … Annnd?

Axl: And… SO, anyway -

Viruz: You suck.

Axl: I’M NOT GAY!!!

Viruz: Jeez… Mr. Defensive, aren’t we?

Axl: The bottom line is, you pushed a button that caused me to lose!

Viruz: US!

Axl: Us to lose. That’s what I said!

Viruz: No it’s not!

Axl: And here’s the footage! And you suck ass.

Viruz: HEY!

[Axl tracks the tape once again, presses play, and - ]

Viruz: … Why are you showing me gay porn? …. EWWW, Why is gay porn even ON your tape?! DUDE, GROSS!!!

Axl: I-UH-I… MICHELLE!!! You recorded over my BoB tape again!!! Heheh, yeah, see there Vi, total… uh… miscommunication is what it is… er, uhm, uh… yeah.

Viruz: Suuure, bro. I’ll keep your secret. … As will all the people that are watching this promo!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Axl: You MOTHER FUH-

[Suddenly, Michelle comes in, snatches the tape, and looks at Axl.]

Michelle: Axl… Viruz didn’t see… anything… did he?

Viruz: … Hold on… wait a minute, you mean, that really IS your tape? … Damn.

Michelle: … You saw it, didn’t you.

Viruz: Yeah. Well, atleast I know why you’re into Axl and not me. You get turned on my gay dudes!

Axl: GODDAMIT!

Michelle: Yeah… it’s sad, isn’t it?

Viruz: Very.

Michelle: Aw well, maybe one day I can land a three-way with Axl and one of his “close friends”. I’ll watch them go at it for a bit… Then me and the other dude will go at for a bit.

Axl: WHAT ABOUT ME?!

Michelle: Hey, I said you and him can go at it first! Sheesh, little miss stingy!

Axl: I MEANT – Dammit, for the last time, I’m – not – GAYYY!!!

Viruz: Man, bro, your face is redder than a baboon’s ass…

Michelle: And trust me, the baboon’s ass smells way, way better!

Viruz: Holler!

*Viruz and Michelle high five*

Axl: ARRRGGGHHH! Viruz, I have a copy of the ppv. And I’m going to show it to you!

Viruz: The pay-per-view? Because if you mean something else…

Michelle: You mean his…

Viruz: Yeah, I’m sure he’s just WAITING to whip it out.

Michelle: It’s like a baby carrot!

Viruz: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! A BABY- A baby carrot, hahahahahaha, *snort* Ohhh, my GOD you’re cool Michelle, ya know that?

Michelle: Meh. Somebody has to be in this relationship.

Axl: … AAAAGGGHHH!

[Axl jams the tape in, and presses play.]

[ (voice of Viruz) What's this button do?]

Pigeon: Hey, look. It’s Jeff Hardy and Bono making out in the front row!

Axl: What? Where!

*CRUNCHSPLASH*

Styles: PIGEON DROP INTO THE PIRANHA TANK! ONE! TWO! THREE! HEGOTTHEM!

[What the hell?]

YSW: Viruz, I’m afraid you hit the “Randomly End This Match” button. Oh well. Go Green Mosheen!

[Younger Scotty Whatbody vanishes, and Viruz reappears in the middle of the ring.]

Styles: DROP TOE HOLD ONTO THE BARBED WIRE GLASS TABLE! OH MY GOD!

SW: Bwahahaha! Viruz just put 18 million cracks in the barbed wire glass table. He’s like Hillary Clinton. A big loser!

Viruz: … Well… that wasn’t funny at all.

Michelle: Heh… kinda was.

[Viruz looks at Michelle.]

Michelle: KINDA. Crimeny…

Axl: So, as you can plainly see, you, Viruz, pressed that button, the button YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PRESSED… and single handedly cost us the damn match! What do you have to say for yourself?!

Viruz: You have a baby carrot dick.

Axl: … VIRUZ!!! The only way you’re going to make this up to me, is if you track down Pigeon, chain him up, and lock him away in the dungeon. And every day, until October Surprise, we’re going to torture the poor bastard!

Viruz: What, are you going to have a television down they’re playing your promo’s 24/7?

Axl: … NO! Just… Just go. Find him. Beat him down. Whatever you have to do, just make sure that son-of-a-bitch is locked up inside the castle dungeon before noon. Do you understand?

Viruz: Well…

Axl: DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!

Viruz: YES I UNDERSTAND!!!

Axl: !!!

Viruz: I mean, yes. I understand.

Axl: You know Vi, that no matter how many insults you throw down upon me, that I’m your ticket to success. I’m the strong link in the family genes. And without me, you’d be nothing but a common peasant… a beggar, just like the rest of the filth in my Kingdom. But with me? You have power. Some power… just a teeny, tiny morsel of power. But enough. Enough to put you at a position second only to me. But a distant, DISTANT second. For I am the King… the SAVIOR of Brawlers on a Budget. And -

Michelle: Uh, baby?

Axl: Yes, can’t you see I’m in the middle of one of my speeches?

Michelle: Just thought you’d like to know that Viruz left about five minutes ago. God, he’s right, you do tend to ramble on…

Axl: …

Michelle: Just saying…

[Michelle is about to leave, when Axl calls for her...]

Axl: Michelle…

Michelle: Yeah?

Axl: Call Kurt. And tell him… although I appreciated his assistance… It wasn’t needed.

Michelle: Are you kidding me? You guys were being manhandled by Pigeon out there! … What am I saying, your little baby carrot dick was probably cumming like water from a garden hose out there! BWAHAHA!

Axl: JUST… Just tell Kurt… Tell him that if I want help? I’ll ask for it. I’m the King of this City, and the Savior of BoB. And I’ll be DAMNED if I need anyone’s help… DO YOU HEAR ME MICHELLE?! DO YOU?! DO – … Michelle?

[Axl looks over the back of the couch, but Michelle's already left.]

Axl: … Fuck. Aw well… who needs ‘em.

[Axl reaches over to the table, grabs the ice pack, and rests it back on his forehead... as he continues watching the "Running on Empty" tape...]

> > > meanwhile… < < <

[Vi walks through the front door... but just as he does, he finds Pigeon... sitting just outside the castle, cross-legged... picking his nose. Pigeon spots Viruz, and removes his finger from his nostril... lifting the green and yellow tipped finger toward the "l33t hax0r"...]

Pigeon: Care to have a taste?

Viruz: Uh… no thanks.

Pigeon: Fine… suit yourself.

[Pigeon consumes the boogie.]

Viruz: … Ok… Hey, uh, would you mind being locked up in a dungeon, and tortured daily?

Pigeon: Sure, why not. Sounds fun.

Viruz: Cool…

[Viruz leads Pigeon toward the basement of the "castle", which has been converted into a dungeon. Attached to the walls are Tony Spaghetti, Mario Spaghetti, raYne's sister snOw, and roving reporter Rebecca Mulesworth.]

Pigeon: Wow… Axl’s gained quite a collection.

Viruz: Yeah. Say hi everybody!

Tony: Wassamata you! Heyyy, ova’ hee-yah!

Viruz: Alright, that’s enough from you, ya damn Brooklyn-Italian stereotype!

Mario: It’s-ah Me, Ah-

Viruz: Same goes for you, ya plain ol’ Italian stereotype!

snOw: This sucks. When do we get out of here? Hey, Rebecca, you a lesbian?

Rebecca: EWWW, NO! Like, I am SOOO straight, totally! I cannot even BELIEVE you just asked me that?! I would not go out with you, you… you… DYKE!

snOw: Hey, if ya got tits, ya got a nice round ass, and ya got a juicy little hair pie I can sink my teeth intah, you’re my kinda lady, no matter if you THINK you’re a lesbian or not! Sister, I could make you scream louder than any man could ever dream of! Besides, my genetalia’s ready to give AND receive, if ya know what I mean!

Rebecca: Oh-my-god, you’re a hermaphrodite. ICKIE! Stay away from me! Dammit, why are we even in the same dungeon! Can’t I get switched over to another room or something?!

Viruz: Maybe I oughta bring down the duct tape… aw well. Pigeon, come over here. there’s one more spot for a prisoner, and it’s got your name on it.

Pigeon: I don’t see my name anywhere…

Viruz: Well, it’s a metaphor.

Pigeon: Or is it a simile?

Viruz: I’m not for certain… Anyway, I’ll lock you up.

Pigeon: Alright…

Viruz: Annnd, there ya go.

Pigeon: … Are you sure? It doesn’t seem to -

Viruz: [to everyone] Alright everybody, I’ll be heading out now. Remember… keep your chins up.

Mario: It’s-ah ME, ah-Mar-

Tony: Aw, give it a rest, bro! Seriously, is that all yooz eva’ say, ovah hee-yah? “It’s-ah me, ah-Mario!” Sunnamagun! It’s like your a goddam walkin’ talkin’ stereotype!

Rebecca: Look who’s talkin’…

Tony: I SWEAR! Yooz says one more thing, ONE more, and you’ll be sleepin’ wit’ da fishes!

Viruz: Pigeon… stay tough.

Pigeon: Why are you being so nice?

Viruz: Trust me… out of me and my brother? I’m the one that actually received a conscience. All he got was… well, a little baby carrot dick.

Pigeon: …

Viruz: Yeah, just forget I said anything. Anyway… be strong. I’m out.

[Viruz heads for the door... but just as he's about to close it, Pigeon calls him back.]

Pigeon: Viruz…

Viruz: Yes?

Pigeon: I was in this conversation with a friend of mine the other day… pondering wrestling’s greatest tag teams. And how much one member of each team would have benefited if they were given a singles push.

Viruz: Yeah? So?

Pigeon: I always did think you were the talented one. Not only as a brother of Axl’s… but as a tag team partner. Sometimes it’s better for one to trek out on their own… than to focus on sharing the glory.

Viruz: Well -

Pigeon: Don’t allow Axl to fool you, Viruz. He may tell you that he’s the talented one, and that you’re simply riding on his coattails… but the truth is, it’s the other way around. Without you? He’d be nothing.

Viruz: But… I…

Pigeon: Think about it. And tell him… I’m waiting for the torture. It better be painful… it better be brutal. Because I want to feel my blood trickling down from every cut… I want to bruise, Viruz.

Pigeon: I want to hurt.

Viruz: … Damn. You’re one sick mo-fo.

Pigeon: Indubidibly.

[Viruz leaves... and Pigeon stares at the dusty, dungeon floor... arms in chains at his sides... Pigeon resembling Jesus on the crucifix.]

Pigeon: Quoth the Pigeon…

snOw: REBECCA’S A WHORE!!!

Rebecca: AM NOT, CARPET MUNCHER!!!

snOw: Hosebrain!

Rebecca: Gack-breath!!!

Pigeon: *sigh* And I believe the torture has officially begun…

> > > meanwhile < < <

[The camera opens one last time... this time, to a close-up of the living room tv set.]

Styles: Once again, Steel Chair’s got the cover! One! Two! NO! Kobe got the shoulder up somehow once again!

[lights out.]

Styles: Damnit! Who keeps doing that?

SW: Maybe it’s that dude from “Airplane!”

Styles: No, he’s dead.

SW: He is? Aww, man. Way to bring down the show, Styles.

[lights on. Three additional chairs are in the ring now. One is in the hands of a blonde woman who is now in the ring.]

*SMACK*

Styles: And that’s a DQ.

SW: What in the hell is this?

[The woman picks up the various chairs and begins hitting Kobe with them.]

SW: A white woman pissed at Kobe? She must be pregnant with his kid.

Styles: That’s pretty likely. Kobe Gyant’s gonna win this one by DQ. But what is the deal with this woman.

SW: Mike Monroe’s going in for an interview? Bwahahaha. Hit Mike!

Mike Monroe: Excuse me, ma’am. What is the meaning of this? Who are you?

Woman: Who am I? My name is Va-Jay-Jay Dillon! And may I introduce to you, the most elite group in parody wrestling today! Steel Chair! Red Chair! Black Chair! And Beige Chair. The 4 Steelchairs! Tell ‘em, Steel!

[Mike holds the microphone up, er, down to Steel Chair.]

Steel Chair: …

Crowd: Woooo!

SW: That’s the best promo of its career. And 20 times better than Axl’s best promo.

MM: And what do you have to say for yourself, Red Chair?

Red Chair: …

MM: Menacing. Gentlechairs, we’re out of time. Styles, Scotty, it looks like there’s a new stable gunning for Kobe Gyant, masterminded by Va-Jay-Jay Dillon here. And whether we like it, or we don’t like it, we better learn to tolerate it. Styles, Scotty, back to you.

[Axl seems furious with what he sees... fueld by anger, Axl rewinds the tape... and it soon becomes apparent that it's not what he SEES... but what he hears which is ticking him off so much.]

[He returns to the same line... over... and over... and over again.]

Steel Chair: …

Crowd: Woooo!

SW: That’s the best promo of its career. And 20 times better than Axl’s best promo.

MM: And what do you have to say for yourself, Red Chair?

*rewind, rewind…*

SW: That’s the best promo of its career. And 20 times better than Axl’s best promo.

*rewind, rewind…*

SW: That’s the best promo of its career. And 20 times better than Axl’s best promo.

[Axl finally has enough, and flings his ice pack at the tv set... promptly tipping it over... and causing the screen of the set to shatter.]

Axl: Uh oh… Michelle’s not gonna be happy about that…

Axl: …

Axl: But really.

Axl: Who the fuck cares?

|the…

Michelle: AXL! What was that crashing sound?!

Axl: Shit…

|the|

Axl rant Axl, brawlers on a budget, e-fed, Michelle, parody, Viruz

[‘All Or Nothin’ by Three 6 Mafia plays as Mr. Fantastic sits drinking a forty and smoking a fat blunt with a group of black men dressed in gang colors. The liquor spills out of his stomach onto the floor and the smoke blows out of holes in his chest.]

Gold Bear: Pass the L motherfucker.

[Mr. Fantastic doesn’t move, just staring at a ceiling fan.]

Scarekrow: Give me that, bitch.

[He tries to snatch the blunt off him, but his fingers just fall off.]

Scarekrow: This motherfucker’s got leprosy or some shit.

[Mr. Fantastic smiles a toothy grin and pulls one of his eyes out to clean.]

Barney: He’s falling to pieces all over my God damn carpet!

[Mr. Fantastic pushes his eye back into the socket with one of his remaining fingers.]

Scarekrow: He’s got spiders crawling out of his shoes!

Barney: Get him out of here!

[The gangstas lift him up by his arms and legs and carry him to the door. They swing him a few times before launching him through the air, sending him skidding along the concrete on impact.]

Barney: Should have made him clean up his own blood.

Scarekrow: Let’s go make Kool-Aid!

[They close the door behind them as Mr. Fantastic pulls himself up on his feet. He pops his broken arm back into place and dusts himself off.]

Mr. Fantastic: Braaaaaaaaains!

[Mr. Fantastic dives headfirst through the closed door. We hear screams but the camera doesn't follow.]

Zombie Mr. Fantastic rant brawlers on a budget, e-fed, parody, Zombie Mr. Fantastic

(All of a sudden the lights turn on inside the Staples Center in LA. Even though it’s midnight, and the Lakers and Kings are in the offseason, and no one has booked the arena for any wrestling shows or concerts, a magical crowd of 15-thousand appear, already sitting in their assigned seats, all wearing Angelfire merchandise.

Suddenly, the lights dim just a little, and some weird freaky music plays over the PA. The crowd goes wild!! They know it. It’s Angelfire!

Sure, he hasn’t been seen in, like, 2 years… and he has only done one promo, but the fans remember him and mark out for him almost as hard as they once marked out for ‘Stone Cold’ Steve Austin!

Then, suddenly, Angelfire appears!! He floats above the rampway. How he does it, no one knows… but then again no one really questions it… they just take it in and believe it as if every other wrestler could do this.

Angelfire floats down the ramp and over the top rope. Once in the ring, he grabs a mic.)

Angelfire: Eye cum 2 distory bRaawlours on a budjet!!!111

(Crowd goes fucking insane!!)

Angelfire: Eye cum 2 diesotyu rOb van Spma!!!111

(HUGE pop!!)

Angelfire: Eye challenge rob Van Spamm 2 a macth next weak!!!111

Crowd: ANGEL-FIRE! ANGEL-FIRE! ANGEL-FIRE!!

(And then suddenly, a jobber ran down to the ring and Angelfire fucking destroyed him!!!)

Angelfire: i am gunna rool BOB!!11 Lett it be nown that eye will becum teh champeion!!!11

(With the crowd going wild, Angelfire levitates over the top rope and towards the back!!)

Angelfire rant Angelfire, brawlers on a budget, e-fed, parody, Rob Van Spam

[Kevin the Pyromaniac is on a date with a Vietnamese girl he found on google. She shares his interest in fire, but the sideshow he has brought her to is not quite her cup of tea.]

Kevin: Wow, so that’s what horse puke feels like.

[Kevin has his hands in a bowl of slime.]

Batak: Can we go? This is gross.

Kevin: Do you know how much blood and sweat it took to get tickets to this thing? It’s not every day you get fucked up stuff like this.

[The Vietnamese girl has a look on her face like she is pissed off down to the bone marrow.]

Kevin: Look at this, the skeleton of the world’s thinnest man… Jesus, someone should have just given this guy a ham sandwich.

Batak: Do you bring all your dates to places where they have pickled elephant fetuses in jars?

Kevin: Most of them can’t stomach the shit in these shows, they’d just run out screaming like a headless chicken.

[She taps her heel like she is about to do the same.]

Kevin: Look at this! The remnants of the exploded brain of the world record holder for most amount of salt water drank.

Batak: I’m supposed to do a spit take? That’s just shrivled up beef jerky.

Kevin: He had beef jerky for brains? That’s just stupid.

Batak: Can we just hurry and look at the rest of these things so we can leave?

Kevin: One second, I gotta go piss like a racehorse.

[As Kevin scurries away to the men's room, the Vietnamese girl starts looking at some of the displays. There are rubber representations of the biggest snakes in the world, pickled intestines, photos of whitewash fences covered in dust and enough moths stuck to the wall with pins to feed a family for a week.]

Kevin: I’m back, shit, you ought to have seen some of the stuff they have in that bathroom.

Batak: Kevin, if you grew up a bit, you should work at a place like this.

Kevin: I work for Brawlers on a Budget and that’s never going to change, it’s not quite as good as being a pornstar but it’s the next best thing. I can’t drop everything just to work here, I’ve still got my autobiography to write.

Batak: Let’s just get out of here, you might have a sick mind, but I don’t.

[She pulls him by the arm, he opens and closes the fingers on his free hand to try and grab onto something.]

Kevin: But it was real, I’d finally made it here.

Kevin the Pyromaniac rant brawlers on a budget, e-fed, ewrestling, fantasy wrestling, Kevin the Pyromaniac, parody, roleplay, wrestling

INSERT PROMO HERE. WHAT? YOU FORGOT? THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE ONE TO WIN ME THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS! ………. D’OH!

Dr. Silaconne M. Plants rant brawlers on a budget, Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, e-fed, parody, wrestling

On July 5, Brawlers On a Budget presents its summer spectacular BOB-On-Demand event, UnFOURgiven, live from Madison’s Octagonal Arena! Tickets are still on sale!

Here’s what you’ll see at UnFOURgiven:

-Grand Slam Finals, Winner Takes Every BOB Title (THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS, Swiss Army Belt, and Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Tag Team Titles): Steve Studnuts© + The Great© vs. Mr. Paradox© + Dr. Silaconne M. Plants©!

-ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS #1 Contenders Match: Sarah “The Jobber Slayer” vs. Death!

-Kevin the Pyromaniac vs. Trey Vincent!

-Fourth of July Death Match: 22 men will battle for the Applecore title, including Mr. Fantastic, Duke Thompson, Luke Warm, Little Good, Snapmare Kid, XXXtreme Machine, and several new We Win Everything substars!

-Düff vs. XFactor Pete Trable!

-Hardcore T&A XX Division Title Match: Jerri Li vs. Nikki Mantle©!

-Enter The Vortex Match: Viruz vs. Kurt Angel!

-Beer In The Belly Ladder Match (winner gets a guaranteed ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS match): Dr. Thrilla vs. Seth Harker vs. Axl vs. Steve Roydz vs. Insano Mano vs. ??! Who will be the mystery entrant? Only the Medium-Sized Bucket knows!

Ted news brawlers on a budget, e-fed, e-wrestling, parody, wrestling

[Ted the Sarcastic PR guy is seen outside of a hotel in Sin City.]

Ted: Hello, BOB Wrestling fans! It’s been a crazy few days around here trying to get the scoop on iMPLOSION 9. Here’s the latest info:

Ted: Seth Harker made a shocking announcement that royally upset Vice President in Charge of Everything Trey Vincent. On iMPLOSION, Trey Vincent will defend his half of the Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Tag Team Titles against both Kevin the Pyromaniac and Dr. Silaconne M. Plants in a triple threat match. His reasoning? “Generic Ref stopped the match. Neither Trey nor Mr. Paradox pinned either Plants or Kevin. However, I’m not going to punish Mr. Paradox for Generic Ref’s decision, especially when Trey Vincent was the reason for the Ref stoppage.”

Ted: Trey Vincent’s response? Quote: “FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK CUNT BITCH FUCKER!”

Ted: As a response, Trey Vincent announced two matches of his own.

Ted: The new ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS Steve Studnuts will take on Jerri Li in a non-title no disqualification match!

Ted: Also, Seth Harker will take on…the REST OF THE BOB ROSTER. That’s right. Seth must face every person on the BOB roster who isn’t already booked in a match on iMPLOSION 9.

Ted: Seth’s response, and I quote: “Fuck. Then I’m booking myself into the Beer In The Belly Ladder Match.”

Ted: Trey’s response, and I quote: “Fuck! Fine, whoever pins you will take the final spot in the BITB match! And I will be in the UnFOURgiven main event you fucking cruiserweight!”

Ted: In a totally unrelated front, Mr. Fantastic will also debut on iMPLOSION against XXXtreme Machine. There are also rumors the the Hierarchy’s Superior Power will be revealed!

Ted: iMPLOSION 9 is shaping up to be one of the most explosive in BOB’s nine-year history! Don’t you dare miss it!

[Fade to black.]

Ted rant brawlers on a budget, e-fed, parody, wrestling

Definitely the low-point of my career. Hah.

[The picture takes shape around Düff lying in bed, passed out. Next to him, a bottle of Jack Daniels sits upright somehow. It's about half empty. A line of translucent drool rolls down his chin as he snores. The lights are low and the only thing illuminating the room is the gloomy dusk light shining through a crack in the window. You know how the old motto goes: sleep all day, out all night. Düff lives by that motto. Being single helps. Once in a blue moon, he has a girl in bed next to him. Normally their bed because frankly, he doesn't need any stalkers. When he breathes in, all that spit accumulated in his gullet pulls back into his throat and he begins gagging. He sits upright and the bottle tips over, spilling all on the bed.]

Düff: Aw, maaan!

[He quickly picks up the bottle, sees there's about a quarter of the stuff left. Enraged, he tosses it across the room and it shatters next to the window.]

Düff: Great. Just fuckin’ great. All that booze right down the drain. I guess it’s better than Kurt Angel’s career, though.

[He scratches his head.]

Düff: But who the hell is Kurt Angel?

[Düff thinks for a moment and shrugs before curling up on his cot and falling asleep again.]

Duff rant BOB, BOB Wrestling, brawlers on a budget, Duff, e-wrestling, efed, fantasy wrestling, Kurt Angel, parody, roleplay