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Destiny Await Thee…

January 30th, 2008
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Axl

Book of Axl – Chapter 1

“And yay he walked upon a New Horizon… He sought a cup of gold.”
“Yet gold was taken from him, with not a sip to taste.”
“He forged onward… into the Valley of Death…”
“… With eyes set upon only vengeance.”

“A carnival of hollowed eyes.”

“A canopy of delieverance.”

“A sheltered documentary of abysmal radiance.”

“Mo-squi-to.”

[Camera opens in a flash to the eyes of our Holy Father… Axl. His eyes, red… veins… shot, as the roots of a mighty oak.]

[His is not to have had sleep, but to Believe that with boundless time spent upon the task at hand…]

[… there would come a new dawn.]

[Our Savior stares point blank into the camera’s shining lens…]

“Sunday Morning Chloroform.”

“33.”

“In one day’s time, an impact occured which shake-ethed the entire world of this sport… this sport of king’s… To its very foundation.”

“Not that it had that much going for it… Hell, by then, a decent match occuring on live television shocked the holy living be-jeezus out of people, but that’s beside the point…”

“But to it’s foundation it shake-ethed anyway. And who shook-ethed thou cloven trou? Who, with one swing of thy be-jinkered guitar, and with a whip-snap crash did he usher in the beginninings of a new day?”

“Axl.”

“Me.”

“Axl.”

“…”

“AXL.”

“I DID. I, and I alone, made the most impact upon his debut in the entire illustriously illustrious historical history of time and span of what which is known thine as BoB.”

“Everyone and anyone that has began their trek before OR after my monumentolous introductification has PALED IN COMPARISON… to my splendor.”

“My gloriousinitalness.”

“My…”

“GREAT…ness.”

“…”

“And yet.”

“And yet, ever since the very BEGINNING, the VERY beginning, THE very beginning… There has been one man.”

“One unholy, unrighteouss, unclean, unkempt, unWORTHY individual…”

“That has known within his heart of hearts…”

“That if-in-eth one man, should become-eth an immortal… And if-in-eth he would to walk-eth through the Gates of Light… and IF-IN-ETH he and he alone extend-eth his palm and felteded upon the rich texture of the Cup of The Most Powerful Gold on High… AND IF-IN-ETH… and this is a BIG if-in-eth… The cup were to accept him as the one and only TRUE master…”

“Then there would be no choice for that man… that wretched waste of human flesh… Not the guy with the ‘if-in-eths’ and whatnot, but the other guy… but to bow out… and hand his throne to he that deserve-eth it.”

“There is one man that has placed obstacle… after obstacle… after OBSTACLE in mine path.”

“My first match. SMC 34. I lost. And any man, and any woman, and any child, and any inanimate object with even HALF a brain… except for perhaps the inanimate object… would KNOW that a GOD does NOT lose his first match.”

“He does the opposite.”

“Which is… WIN it.”

“But DID I win? No. … And you would have known that, had you’d been paying attention. Dumbass.”

“And it continued.”

“Swiss Army Title. Living in Sin. Your Savior faced a man by the name of Mr. Paradox. And was SCREWED. Indeed, I walked away with the title. And at first glance you COULD say that, twas Paradox who twas screwed.”

“But you’d be wrong.”

“For you see, that event should have been my night. It should have been my night to prove to the fans… the world… myself… to prove that I was no ordinary, run-of-the-mill wrestling “superstar”. I was a SuperNOVA. I should have had the chance to prove that I could defeat that snivling toad with both hands, both feet, and an ear tied behind my back. But did I receive that chance?”

“No.”

“Instead, the fans were left with the impression that some… PIRATE… named Xamfar… Xamfor? Regardless of his name, he was displayed there-ah-lee upon-eth these wretched morsels of filth and decadence which that call-eth themselves FANS… He was perceived by THEM to be the deciding factor in my obtaining the Swiss Army Title.”

“It shouldn’t have been… but there it was. As plain as day, as clear as crystal, as… smooth… as silk. Fuck, that doesn’t work… you get the picture. It happened. And once ah-gayn, it continued…”

ComeBack’s a Bitch… two matches, one night. I not only had to participate in the first ever “The Faster and More Furious, The Better” competition, but it twas I, with just cause, saddled with a Swiss Army Title defense. And when I say WITH just cause, I mean the only reason I was given when I searched for an answer to such idiotic booking, was – ‘Just cause.’ Bumble-headed FOOLS!”

“Yes, the ‘TFMFB’ competition… with a shot at the OWTTM on the line. And even THOUGH-ALY I had a shot at the OWTTM already, I DESERVED two. Everyone needs a warm-up. Even Gods.”

“But some punk kid named Corvon the Arachnophobiac or Steven the Nymphomaniac or some gobbledy-gookish garbage such as that stripped it away from me.”

“And then?”

“AND THEN?!”

“In the cruelest twist of fate, a hand of cards dealt down upon-eth me in rave resucitation, I had the Swiss Army Belt STOLEN away from me…”

“By Death.”

[The camera zooms out just a scoch, now finding the entirety of Axl’s face… drenched in the black and white paint which has become one of his trademarks.]

“Death… you believe, in that thick skull of yours, that you can evade me for ever?”

“You began something that night. Something that will forever fester upon me as a scar about mine flesh…”

“You STOLE my Swiss Army Title… and then, after I won the OWTTM at Mano e Zeno… just when I thought my destiny… the PROPHECY had been fulfilled? You swept it all away from beneath my feet…”

[… Uhm, actually Axl, it was XXTreme Machine that pinned you for the OWTTM…]

“THAT NEVER HAPPENED!”

[But it’s in the record books…]

“Lalalalalalalalalalalala -”

[Ugh… I can’t believe I suck up to this guy so damn much for so little pay…]

“So yes Death, you’ve ripped my dreams apart time and again. But yet you… you are not the One.”

“For it continued.”

“At Massively Cool, I was in a tag match. And I was stuck with the Loseriest Boobie Loser in the Game that’s a Loser and Loses Alot Cuz He’s a Loserly Loser, Silliputti M. Putz. And on the opposite side of the ring? Nurse Heiney… and Death. But it wasn’t Death who screwed me over this time, oh-ho-HO no… Not even Nurse Heineken. Twas the pontificatingly hazardonious SMB that which had done-eth me the dirty deed.”

“He was in on it. Mr. Paradox? He too was in on it. As was his fellow sinners in Dimension E D C G P V T hamburger . Henry the Polkamaniac? In on it. And of course Big Deathy DROOL was in on it…”

“But were any of them the TRUE enemy?”

“No.”

[The camera begins to zoom out ever so slowly, as Axl continues speaking…]

“People of this forsaken world of deflangulicousness… There is but one TRUE enemy.”

“One man that has caused me suffering for over one whole YEAR.”

“Today… I stand before you a bloodied… broken man.”

“But NOT a beaten man.”

“And I stand here… upon rich sand… palm trees in the distance… ocean as far as thy eye can see…”

“For I stand here… broken… bloody… but I stand here as a man with the one thing that HE does not have.”

“Something he wants.”

“Something I have.”

[The camera continues to zoom out. Until…]

“… A reservation at a Hawaiian hotel, BITCH!”

[The camera now fully gathers the view… the sand is littered with trash. The ocean… awash with pollution. The trees… dead.]

[And the hotel… well, really, it’s a motel. In fact, it’s perhaps THE most crappiest, run-down, hell hole of an establishment on the entire island. But nevertheless… it IS Hawaii. … Sorta.]

[Axl, bedecked in flapping, black trenchcoat and customary poser kit, is looking solemnly into the camera… almost through it… His hair partly covers his right eye, which is the style for all good little goth posers.]

“Yes, THE GREAT… I’m right here, smack dab in the middle of the very same place your hag of a wife is bitching her fool head off about. She’s missing this… the splendor… the luxury. And who could blame her, I mean, this place is totally GORGEOUS, babe. [looks around him] … Well, ok, so it’s not entirely THE hottest spot on the isle, but hey, it’s better than anything YOU could afford! And while Jim, Joe, Prophet, Pigeon, Pete, Steve, raYne, Tony, Viruz, and my lovely Rose all enjoy this resort, soaking it up until Totally Dead rolls around, you’ll be back at home… sitting on your ass. Tapping away at a PS2 controller, and hoping upon hopes that you learn SOMETHING, ANYTHING that will save your soul from the unbridled fury of a hundred hounds of hell. Or atleast a poodle or two. A schnauzer, maybe. A schnauzer from hell. …”

“But Great… I want you to know. I want you to know… you can’t keep a secret from me. And you can’t hide the TRUTH from the world forever.”

“It’s time it all came out. Because Great… I do know the Truth. And the Truth is, …”

“YOU were behind it.”

“2007… the year that should have been mine… that should have belonged to ME. It was ruined… and it was ruined by one man and one man alone.”

“YOU.”

“Don’t you dare even think for a second you can slip the Truth behind these blood-shot eyes. Because Great, it all makes sense. The puzzle just fits together like pieces to a jig-saw… uh… puzzle.”

“You tried to pull the wool over everyone’s eyes. You tried to skew everyone’s vision. But mine? My vision is 20/20. And I saw it from day one.”

“From day one, SOMEONE was wrangling together each and every one of the obstacles… the hazards that stood in the center of the road of my journey to the destination of my GLORY.”

“The Drunken Irish Fags.”

“They never Truly existed. In reality, they were Lori and Nick in disguise. Lori didn’t mind playing a gay guy. Nick… surprisingly didn’t either.”

“So when they eliminated me from the Swiss Army #1 Seed Battle Royale on SMC34? Truth is, I didn’t REALLY lose my first match.”

“Lori just scared the holy living fuck out of me with her femstache, so I had no choice but to eliminate myself. Simple as.”

“Xamfar.”

“Pretty simple. Little Johnny, brilliant mastermind that he is, built a cybernetic pirate, taped a stuffed parrot on his shoulder, and programmed bits of Xamfyr’s mind into the robot’s A.I. using old BoB Betamax Discs. He then sent this pirate, robot, Xamfer hybrid out to SCREW ME LIKE A DOG! A WHIMPERING, COWERING DOG, WITH A TUBE-SOCK FOR A TAIL! Damn Johnny… The little bastard.”

“You replaced Bruce the Kleptomaniac with one of those Mexican midgets from Smackdown’s ‘Juniors’ Division. You know, that way he wouldn’t job. You ORCHESTRATED the swerve by Sillicone M. Potent, to have him leave me in the middle of my tag match against Nurse Hymen and Death. Because let’s face it. Without you bribing him with like, a week’s supply of mayonnaise, there’s honestly no chance in HELL he’d leave a mega-star, such as myself, high and dry. And I’m talkin’ the real GOOD mayonnaise. High dollar stuff.”

“Because, Great? He knows better… and so do you.”

“But the one person who doesn’t know better? Death. And I know… I just KNOW, without a shadow of a doubt, that he’s been your inside man all along. The man that, while you “supposedly” weren’t a part of this company, he was putting the pawns in place… shifting the gears into motion… turning the key, starting the ignition, revving up the motor… and other phrases synonymous with ‘kicking things off’.”

“And when you first appeared on that building? The Rooftop Rumble, November in Nowhere?”

“You two had been planning it for MONTHS.”

“Picking your spot… and when you had me aligned right where you wanted me?”

“POW!”

“Trigger pulled. Statement… made. And buddy boy… you made your statement.”

“You told me, withought speaking a word, that you thought, somewhere in that orangutan-brained head of yours, that somehow you were better than me. And that if you could get an Original like Death on your side, then maybe, just maybe, you might just stand a chance of taking that strap.”

“You’d take me out of contention.”

“You’d save Death from the human onslaught that IS Axl.”

“You’d get your measly little title shot.”

“But then… you’d face the inevitable.”

“You’d screw it to holy living hell, no matter if I interfered or not.”

“And in the end, the only man that’d come out on top?”

“… Would be Death.”

“But Great… I knew better.”

“While you and Death spent over 12 months plotting and planning and conniving, it only took me one month to put MY plan into motion.”

“For you see, dear sweet Great, I have done something… which you could never anticipate.”
“Something that shall seal your fate. Something that, once you’ve realized it’s True scope, you shall hate.”
“Something in which you have already taken the bait. And babe… it’s just too… damn… late.”
“Right out of the gate, you’ve already been served your plate, and all that’s left to do is wait.”

“Already set in stone IS the date… but in addition to the match, something else I shall integrate.”

“Something… eeeviiil.”

“Great… why do you honestly believe I took on the role of referee in your match?”

“Do you think I HONESTLY wanted to screw you?”

“HA! Don’t make me laugh. Great, I couldn’t care LESS whether you are, or aren’t the champion.”

“For that matter, I couldn’t care less if Death, SMP, or hell, Billy f’n Pollar held the belt.”

“Because, jack? No matter who holds the title, if I wanted to, I could take it. It’s only a matter of when, not a question of who. Or even how, where, why, or what.”

“The sole reason I did what I did at New Horizon is thus;

I want to fight you.

I not only want to fight you, but I want to BEAT you.

Into the ground.

Around the ring.

Into the rafters.

Up and down the aisles.

Backstage.

In the streets.

To Hawaii…

To Nowhere…

To Kalamazoo, and all the way back to Sin City.”

“Great… as Me as my witness, at Totally Dead, I SHALL finally… FINALLY… have my vengeance.”

“And I want it in a no-holds-barred, anywhere-falls, no-disqualifications, Sin City STREETFIGHT.”

“For one year… One whole year. I’ve allowed you to get away with practically murder. I’ve allowed for you to creep along, just so you could ‘make your mark’.”

“But Great… you chose the wrong man to use as an example.”

“I am… no man’s example.”

“I Am… the TRUE Future of ‘Brawlers’, no matter how hard you practice on ‘Know Your Role’ and ‘Shut Your Mouth’.”

“And I AM…”

“… The only thing Truly ‘Great’ left in this industry.”

“And don’t you forget it.”

~ Follow me… There’s not that much else to do around here. ~

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Cyber Monday

November 26th, 2007
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Death

[In Sin City, Death was busy surfing the Web when his fellow Skull & Bones Society members Uber Vampire Warrior and Lord Athackkimentham walked into the dimly lit room.]

LA: Oh, Death. It’s amazing. Santa is growing stronger with every purchase. It’s looking like a record for greed! Hail Santa!

Lord Athackkimentham

Death: Yes, yes, Hail Santa.

LA: What are you doing?

[Death pauses his searching and spins away from the monitor.]

Death: My part. I was thinking of what to give the man who will try, and fail, to take the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS from me at MegaBrawl. And…support the reign of Lord Santa, of course.

Uber Vampire Warrior

LA: Silaconne M. Plants? Do they sell time machines so he can go back and be in his prime?

Death: Now, why would I want to give him that? Then he might actually have a shot at beating me. Bah, who am I kidding? Even in his prime, Plants couldn’t have beat me. Hell, Plants could barely beat that Niege 13 fellow back in his ‘prime.’

LA: Yes.

Death: Oooh. Coffins. That would be nice. I am incredibly rich. And I like Nurse Heidi. I’d hate to see her go bankrupt burying the bad doc.

LA: Coffins don’t aid the ascension of Lord Santa.

[Death returns to surfing.]

Death: Who are you boys battling at MegaBrawl anyway?

LA: Kevin the Pyromaniac and Booger.

Death: Booger? Oh, right, that guy you threw off the roof a couple days ago at November In Nowhere. Why is Kevin the Pyromaniac in the match?

LA: No idea.

Death: Well, Uber Vamp, I guess you’ll be having creme BLOOD-ay. Get it?

[Uncomfortable silence. Uber Vamp looks up at the ceiling and scratches the back of his head.]

Death: Right then. Ah, here we go. Caviar?

LA: I could impale him on a candy cane for you, Lord Death.

Death: No, no. Plants deserves to sample a little good eating. Since it will likely be his last meal. A little sinister sturgeon for the Sinister Surgeon. Life isn’t the only one who takes Visa.

[Death pulls out a credit card and begins placing the order.]

Death: Plants. You’ve got two ounces of caviar coming your way. Sixty bucks? Wow. But then you’re gonna have to do your impression of the lead singer of Quiet Riot. Just like everybody else, it’s time to get your ass kicked by Big Bony.

Death: SMP, you’ve done some stuff here in BOB. Let’s look at what you’ve done. You were a tag champ with your biggest enemy, douja. And…hmm…not much else. You couldn’t get past Justin Voss to win the Swiss Army Belt. Justin Voss? And that was eight years ago?

Death: Then, already a shell of your former self, you bought the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS from Billy Polar in 2002. And then you got squashed by Bohemoth? What have you got now, Plants? You don’t even have the money to TRY and buy this from me. I’m way richer than you.

Death: Meanwhile, there is Death. I won every title I had a shot at winning. Swiss Army Belt? Did it. Never lost it. Just got bored with it and vacated it. “Are You Out Of Your Frickin’ Mind” Hardcore Title? Did it. If Mr. Paradox didn’t freeze time, there’s no way he was beating this. You Gotta Be Kidding, I Ain’t Doing That Title? Did it. Hell, I unified TWO titles into one, that’s how good am I. Remember the YGBKIADTAYOOYFM Title? And…oh yeah…I just happen to have this big belt here. I believe it’s called THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS.

Death: Shoot, if I could grow a pair of tits, I no doubt would beat that softball chick for the T&A title. Is she really a woman? Has anybody checked out her junk in the shower?

Death: Anyway…Plants. It’s going to be epic. I know you’re going to bring your best to the biggest show of the year. But just know, your best is no match for this one finger.

[Death waves his bony index finger back and forth at the camera.]

Death: On December 15, it’s “A Dr. Silaconne M. Plants Christmas.” And at MegaBrawl, SMP, you’re the retarded tree.

LA: Hail Santa!

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BOB WILL NEVER BE THE SAME!! (The Epic-Part 2)

February 11th, 2004

(The camera fades out then fades in backstage at a BOB house show. douja and Jerry are standing outside one of the lockerrooms.)

Jerry: Yo, where is Bobby with those two dudes he said he would call??

douja: dont even sweat it, he will be here.. look, there he is..

Bobby: Excuse my lateness, boys. But please, douja, Jerry Curl Jones.. I am pleased to introduce you to a couple new buesniess partners…

(A shirtless, muscular man with short black hair and a pair of jeans and a huge, steroid wearing black trunks step into the view of the camera. Both men sport numerous tatoos and do not lucky happy at all.)

Bobby: First, allow me to introduce you to “Serious” Scott Kelly!! (He points to the smaller man in jeans. Scotts expression never changes.) And this monster.. This, my friends, is ROID!! (Points to the large fellow.) Well, I didnt dissapoint, did I boys??

douja: hell nah!! yo’, you have out done yourself! fella’s, lets go out here an make history!!

(“How High” by Method Man and Redman fizzles from the speakers. douja and Jerry make their way to the ring. douja grabs the mic.)

douja: i am about to make your peoples night, and i am about to make history.. so you can all just sit da hell down and shut da hell up!! now, let me explain a few things to you people in da crowd, and to all you clowns in da back.. i am from a different era.. i got my start before BOB even exsisted, in a lil’ company called da STWF! everything that you see here tonight.. everything you see on BOB television.. you see that because of da STWF! BOB owns its slot on comedy central to the STWF!! it was the blueprint for dis’ shit! now, the STWF was home to some of the best.. It was home to THE TIGER.. it was home to BF SACK.. it was home to SMP.. home to BOHEMOTH, HOMOCIDAL HANK… it was home to da legendary ROGUE and the ROGUES GALLERY!! Hell, it was home to guys you see every damn night like VIOLENT PACIFIST, BILLY POLAR, THE KENT STATE KREW!! a lot of big names, a lot of big time players.. then i came to BOB, and a lot of these same guys.. a lot, not all.. found a home at BOB. with the mix of STWF stars and BOB’s own stars, BOB was once a great place , too. and the very best of the bunch, was the man on the mic right now, DOUJA! i held more titles in the STWF then anyone EVER!! I AM DA ONLY MAN TO HOLD EVERY SINGLE BOB TITLE!! I WAS THE FIRST EVER ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS!! ive done it all and ive seen it all.. but when i came back to BOB i saw a shell of my old stompin grounds, yo… i saw a joke of a place.. but, i also saw the chance to make the power move of a lifetime!!! BOB is soft now.. bunch of soggy corn flaky type bitches in the back.. and i have an answer for that.. AND THAT ANSWER CAN COME DOWN RIGHT NOW!!

(Music that sounds very similair to the old Dangerous Alliance music plays and Bobby, Scott, and Roid make their way down to the ring to a chorus of boos and trash thrown at them. They all exchange hugs, and douja hands the mic )

Bobby: Pipe down, losers, I am here to educate you all!! First and foremost, I am the legendary “Bluffing” Bobby Snive, managerial mastermind!! Standing behind me to my left is the worlds greatest technical wrestler, “Serious” Scott Kelly! To my right, the monster, the freak, ROID!!! douja and myself have put together the most amazing group of athletes the BOB has ever seen!! We have come to save this company from the lowly states it has sunk to!! You want buyrates?? You want ratings?? Well, BigBoss!! Well, Comedy Central!! Here they are, staring you right in the face!! Wrestlers, executives, all employees of BOB, PREPARE FOR A NEW ERA! This busniess goes through cycles, boys and girls. This busniess has ups and it has downs. Every few years something comes around that jerks the busniess of professional wrestling off of its deathbed and into the stratusphere!! That time has come!! The future of BOB is standing in the middle of this ring, and we are taking no prisoners!! If you dont like it, if you have a problem with it.. We will NOT be hard to find!!

douja: i couldnt have said dat shit betta myself, bobby!! it is just like he said!! we are here to give BOB a kick in da ass cause noone else here steppin’ up to do it!! mr. paradox, slash, your whole crew.. you need to step it up.. you are weak, you are soft as grapes! you do not have what it takes to compete with us, and we will DESTROY you, and we will take you out the motha’ fuckin’ game, beleive that.. iAd.. STEVE STUDNUTS, TREY VINCENT, SETH HARKER!! i am talkin to you, so you listein very closely.. you all keep doin’ ya fuckin’ space show, keep havin fun.. while you all do that, we are goin to be takin over.. we are goin to be destroying everything in our paths!! you all are fallin’ off, you are dealing with the BOB kingpen, the best who ever did it!! listein closely, you need to step your heel game.. your heel game needs to get to this level.. allow me to demonstrate…

(douja quickly hits Jerry in the head with the mic. Roid and Scott lay the boots to him then hold him up while douja slaps him in the face. Bobby then steps in and spits right in his face. Roid then picks him up and dumps him over the top rope.)

douja: YOU SEE THAT BOB!! THAT IS HOW A REAL HEEL DOES IT!! I AM AN OG AT THIS, DAMNIT!! I AM BOB’S ORIGINAL GANGSTA, AND I AM TAKING BACK WHATS MINE!! WE ARE RUNNING BOB!! i am makin’ an open call to anyone out their who feels what im sayin.. SMP, BOHEMOTH.. “SOFTCORE” ZACK.. WHEREVER YOU ARE, ROGUE!! anyone from the old school who wants to take back what belongs to us.. join us.. help us.. this is a movement, yo.. a takeover.. and you can either ride with us.. or you can collide with us.. those are the choices!

Bobby: Yes, yes, yes!! We are a tight-knit union of destruction.. Collectively, you may to refer to us as.. as.. umm.. (Puts hand over the mic.) Damnit!! We didnt come up with a name!!

douja: yo, we will get back to you on the name soon, but remember the options BOB!! ride with us or collide with us, its simple as that.. and like i said the invitation is out there to whoever sees our vision!! SMOKE ON THAT!!

(The Dangerous Alliance-esque music plays once again as douja pulls out a joint and lights up. The group embraces in the middle of the ring as the crowd boos wildly and showers them with trash. The camera fades out.)

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This Just in Injury Report……

October 23rd, 2003
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At a Recent BOAB house show accidental missed spot has caused a horrible accident the likes of which we will never know. Oh wait yes we will.

In a match scheduled by one William Polar, Street Mime vs Massive Man Rendition First, Street Mime hit a snapmare on the up and coming superstar and it broke his big toe….Doctors are unsure how much ring time he will miss.

😀

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DIE.

September 17th, 2003
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=<>: HELLO, BOB ROSTER. ALL THREE OF YOU.

=C]: TODAY, WE’RE HERE TO GIVE YOU ALL A LIST OF PEOPLE THAT WE… FESTERING DEATH… PLAN TO KILL AND RAPE IN OUR BOB FUTURE.

(If I have to say “in that exact order” for you people, you don’t read enough Festering Death segments.)

=<>: NOW, OF COURSE, IT IS OUR MISSION TO CONTINUE OUR NO-SELLING, OUR KILLING SPREE, OUR RAPING SPREE, AND THE HOGGING OF TAG TITLES ALONG THE WAY. SO, ON THAT NOTE, HERE ARE A LIST OF PEOPLE WE ARE PLANNING TO HORRIBLY SLAUGHTER IN A SPRAY OF BLOOD, AND PREFERABLY IN FRONT OF A LOT OF PEOPLE SO THAT THEY CAN ALL SIMULTANEOUSLY THROW UP.

=C]: AT THE TOP OF OUR LIST IS BILLY POLAR. WE HERE IN FESTERING DEATH DESPISE PEOPLE NAMED BILLY WITH EVERY OUNCE OF OUR BLACKENED SOULS, SO I GUESS IT’S TOUGH LUCK FOR THE HOLDER OF THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. NOW THEN, SPACEDUCK, PLEASE SPIN THE WHEEL OF RAPE AND CHOOSE A DEATH FOR THIS FUCKER.

(Round and round she goes, where it stops… we hope it doesn’t.)

=<>: AND IT LOOKS LIKE THE EVER-POPULAR “DEATH BY HANSON MUGGING” IS TODAY’S WINNER FOR MR. POLAR.

=C]: I WOULDN’T WANT TO DIE FROM THAT.

=<>: NO, I WOULDN’T EITHER.

=C]: NEXT ON OUR LIST IS, OF COURSE, ATOMOS. WE DON’T LIKE THIS GUY BECAUSE HE’S A ROBOT, AND ROBOTS ARE NOTORIOUSLY GAY. AND SINCE WE’RE VERY RACIST AGAINST EVERYBODY THAT ISN’T A SMILEY OR OBSESSED WITH WRONG-DOING LIKE WE ARE, YOU SUCK.

=<>: SO, NOW IS THE TIME TO SPIN THE WHEEL OF RAPE.

(And round it goes, again, and where it stops… OH JESUS CHRIST!)

=<>: OOH. ATOMOS, YOU ARE GOING TO BE GANGRAPED BY A BUNCH OF SEXUALLY DEPRIVED GIANT FIRE ANTS BEFORE YOU ARE SLOWLY DIPPED UPSIDE-DOWN IN A VAT OF NITRIC ACID. HAVE FUN.

=C]: NOW, NEXT UP ARE A BUNCH OF PEOPLE WHO ARE ON OUR LIST ON GENERAL PRINCIPLE. FIRST OF ALL, BIGBOSS.

=<>: BIGBOSS, HERE IS YOUR DESTINY, COURTESY OF THE WHEEL OF RAPE!

(Good lord, someone get rid of this Wheel of Rape already.)

=<>: IT LOOKS LIKE BIGBOSS IS GOING TO BE TURNED INTO A VIETNAMESE HOOKER BY THE DETACHED NARRATOR AND THEN GET BEATEN TO DEATH BY A RUSSIAN PIMP.

=C]: THAT’S NOT SO BAD.

=<>: …IF YOU’RE THE PIMP.

=C]: TOUCHE.

=<>: NEXT ON OUR LIST, ON GENERAL PRINCIPLE, IS SARAH THE JOBBER SLAYER AND HER MISFITS. YOU’RE ALL A BUNCH OF MORONS. ESPECIALLY LITTLE GOOD. I HOPE DEATH COMES BY AND PLAYS TAG WITH YOU MORONS.

=C]: AND, HELL, WE HATE THE ENTIRE BOB ROSTER. WE WANT TO SHOVE A STRAW THROUGH DOVE’S BRAIN AND DRINK IT LIKE A GRAY SLUSHIE. WE WANT TO BEAT THE STREETMIME UNTIL HIS INTESTINES SPILL OUT WITH THE “ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FRICKIN’ MIND” HARDCORE TITLE BELT. WE WANT TO SHOVE THE UNDIETAKER’S HANDIS UP THE FAKE UNDIETAKER’S ASS, AND THEN KILL THE REAL UNDIETAKER… AGAIN.

=<>: AND THAT’S BEING NICE!

=C]: SO, ANYWAY, THERE WAS A POINT TO THIS, BUT I SUPPOSE “FUCK YOU, BOB” WILL WORK FOR THE TIME BEING.

(End.)

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Here we go again, JC laying it out for Pete

August 19th, 2003
Comments Off on Here we go again, JC laying it out for Pete

(Camera comes on, The Master for Joshitude and his Double MFer J.C. Long. At and Cleveland Indians baseball game.)

MMR1: You know what’s wrong with Terry Mulholland?

JC: He’s 47 and has no juice left.

MMR1: He’s not in touch with his inner Joshitude.

(Crack.)

Baseball Announcer : Oh my that was a Dinger.

MMR1: See, I would have struck that guy out. I bet you didn’t know that Massive Man Rendition First…

(throws up the MMR1 hand sign.)

MMR1: Was a championship baseball player.

JC: No I didn’t. Who’d you play for?

MMR1: Lucart Heating and Cooling.

JC: Who? I’ve never heard of them.

MMR1: It was my little league team.

JC: Little League!

MMR1: Yes Little League, but that’s not the point. The point is because I Massive Man Rendition First…

(Throws up the MMR1 hand sign.)

MMR1:…Passed out the Joshitude, we came through with flying colors.

(Crack)

Baseball Announcer: Wow that is exactly the way we want to see this team hitting.

JC: Damn it’s the 9 inning and The Devil Rays just tied it up.

MMR1: Yeah looks like, because Mulholland has not Joshitude we have to sit through extra innings.

Baseball Announcer: This just in, appartently in other news Massive Man Renditon First has been called out by freestyle rap sensation Pete the Xfactor Trable.

MMR1: What the hell is this…now that I am a huge Superstar in BOB’s.

JC: Did he say freestyle rap sensation?

MMR1: Yes I believe he did.

JC: That Punk is trying to move in on my gimmick.

MMR1: If memory serves you are both taking a bite out of John Cena’s gimmick.

JC: Oh sorry mister “Joshitude”

MMR1: Don’t take that tone with me.

(SMACK! a shinny silver piece of paper nails MMR1 in the side of his head)

MMR1: What the hell was that.

(MMR1 looks down and sees it’s a hot dog.)

MMR1: What the hell!

(MMR1 sees Slider the Indian’s mascot throwing them. MMR1 jumps out of his seat and begins chasing after Slider. At the same time JC runs up to the Announcers booth, and he jumps on the mic.)

JC: Xfactor, you think you’re quick on your feet
But instead of rhymin’ all ya do is just re-pete
Then you sit aroun and beat your meat
So listen to the man who’s got the throngs
Because he’s down with the thong
The next Hardcore Champ is JC Long
If you think you’re the best at the rap game
I will put you and your fools to shame
I’m so confident, I’ll bet my name
So at the next pay-per-view its on
I will win and you’ll be gone
Because I am the long one
So grip the mic and we will rock
And I will give your mom a shock
When she gets a look at my big fat….

(Security finds him and pulls the mic away at the same time the crowd screams. MMR1 has caught up with Slider and has thrown him on the ground.)

MMR1: Take it, how do you like that Billy Polar. Yeah try to screw me out of a match now.

(Indian’s security comes down and grabs MMR1 off Slider, MMR1 continues to kick and shout at Slider)

MMR1: Next time Polar I will unload a world of Joshitude on you…you will pay some day you just may …

(A security guy pokes MMR1 in the side.)

MMR1: HEY!

(Security take MMR1 and JC and throw them out of the stadium …fade to black)

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Witness the awesome power of Atomo!

August 17th, 2003
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AtomoTron online
Run “Omega_Hack.exe”
Working.
Working..
Working…
Comm. system override successful
Load segment “Awesome_Might”

(Fade up on Farmer Reb Brown’s rather cramped, but surprisingly clean and well decorated upstairs bathroom. From the point of view of the camera mounted on Atomo’s head, we see Dr. Azathoth staring in the mirror thoughtfully and rubbing his chin. Atomo stands directly behind him.)

Dr. Azathoth: Maybe I should grow a goatee. Go for sort-of a Vincent Pricey thing.

Atomo: ATOMO-CONCURS.

Dr. A: Yes… I- Oh, the AtomoTron has turned on! Well, greeting to all of you simians out there. I’m sure all of you were awed both by my own performance, and that of Atomo, at the amusingly named and otherwise banal Basebrawl. That is what I wanted to speak to you all about today. Most of you are probably too imbecilic to understand the many nuances of what is to follow, but I press on in the hope that a small amount will penetrate your pathetically undersized brains. I have two points I wish to address today. Firstly…

(Dr. A is interrupted by the sound of a fridge door opening downstaris, followed by a stream of curses)

Farmer Brown: Whipped cream on a cow pie! Doc, I’ve done told ya before, if’n you’re gonna bring home take-out, then you have to eat it before it gets moldy!

Dr. A: How many times must I silence you before stay quiet for good, you irritating little worm?

FB: You know, now that I look at it, the pattern it’s grown into looks almost familiar; In fact, it almost looks like… What? What on earth? My God, I never expected something like this… there’s so many… legions… AIIIIEEE!

Dr. A: Ahem, as I was saying, I want to talk to you about Basebrawl. Firstly, Devolution. While I enjoy watching the great heels play mind games with the fans and wrestlers, I’m a little disappointed that you didn’t include Atomo, as “That which should not be”. But no matter, the OWTTM is not my primary objective, and I have no objection to it staying in your hands for as long as you can keep it there.

Atomo: QUERY-

(Farmer B. walks by the bathroom door and Atomo turns to look at him)

FB: Don’t pay me no mind, I was just going up to the attic to fetch a couple ‘o jars ‘o sulfuric acid. Y’all just go on ahead with your promo.

(We return to face the bathroom mirror)

Dr. A: Much more important then that is-

A: QUERY: GIVEN-THAT-ENTITY-

Dr. A: Silence machine! You will speak only when spoken to! As I was saying, a much more important matter is Atomo’s defeat at the hands of the Violent Pacifist. While you may have taken him by surprise once, I have taken the liberty of-

A: ERROR.

Dr. A: What?

A: ERROR: WHILE-THIS-UNIT-WAS-DISABLED-BY-THE-USE-OF-A-BASEBALL-BAT-IT-WAS-NOT-IN-FACT-WIELDED-BY-ENTITY: VIOLENT PACIFIST. THE-ENTITY-WHO-DISABLED-THIS-UNIT-IS-KNOWN-AS-BILLY POLAR.

Dr. A: You dare to contradict me!? Me, the very being who gave you life!?

A: THIS-UNIT-WOULD-NOT-PRESUME-TO-CRITICIZE-YOU. HOWEVER-A-SIMPLE-REVIEW-OF-THE-TAPPED-EVIDENCE-SHOULD-BE-ENOUGH-TO-CONVINCE-YOU-THAT-ENTITY: POLAR-WAS-RESPONSIBLE-FOR-THIS-UNIT’S-FAILURE. QUEUEING UP SEGMENT: BASEBRAWL, NTSC NO-

Dr. A: No no no! No one contradicts Dr. Azathoth! I am omnipotent, and anything I say is therefore the truth! Besides that, I have taken the time to upgrade you in a variety of ways to make you impervious to anything that Vice President could throw at you. I’m not letting all that work go to waste just because of some “hunch” you have about what happened!

A: BUT-

Dr. A: No “buts”! We’re continuing with the demonstration. As I was saying, Victory Parade may wield a bat with exceptional skill, but I have taken the liberty of upgrading Atomo’s “Getting-hit-in-the-head-with-a-bat” protocols. He is now impervious to any bludgeoning you can give him. Observe.

(Dr. Azathoth now hefts a baseball bat over his head, and wallops Atomo over the head with it as hard as he can. Atomo immediately collapses, cracking his head on the side of the sink as he goes down. Since the camera’s on his head, we get to spend the next couple of minutes staring at the dust bunnies under the sink.)

A: PAIN-LEVEL: HIGH.

Dr. A: To the untrained eye, it may seem as though Atomo has been disabled. However, he can turn even this situation to his advantage, with his patented “stealth mode”. Atomo, activate stealth mode!

A: STEALTH-MODE-ACTIVATED: I-AM-IN-PAIN I-AM-IN-PAIN I-AM-IN-PAIN.

Dr. A: This clever ruse will continue until his opponent approaches close enough. Then, HE STRIKES!

A: ATOMO-ACTIVATE!

(Atomo rises to his feet, knocking his head on the sink once again, and demonstrates his power by dramatically sweeping the toothpaste and ceramic toothbrush holder off the top of the sink.)

Dr. A:HAHAHA! But that is not all! I have also built in a variety of new offensive techniques, which Atomo will demonstrate by demolishing this chamber!

A: TARGET-AQUIRED: TOWEL-RACK.

(At this, Atomo removes the towel rack from its holder, dropping the towels on the floor, and proceeds to break it in half. He seems to have a little bit of trouble, even though it’s incredibly flimsy. In short order, Atomo proceeds to rip the shower curtain; dump a box of Q-tips on the floor, beat an electric razor against the side of the sink until it busts open; and break a plastic comb in half. For some reason he shouts “TARGET ACQUIRED” before each of these actions. As this carnage is going on, Farmer Brown walks back past the door.)

FB: Hi guys I was just going to get the- HOLY HELL’S HALFPIPE! What in the name of reason are you doing to my bathroom?! You know what, right now, I don’t even want to know. I’m just going to go get your Gamma Ray Emitter and take care of things downstairs. But I can tell you now we are going to have a long talk when I’m through.

(Farmer Brown stalks off as Atomo continues his rampage, culminating with him punching the mirror.)

Dr. A: So you see Victor Parsons-

A: VIOLENT-PACIFIST

Dr. A: I say his name is Victor Parsons, and what I say goes. Anyway Vector Potato, you now see that you are no match for our might! BWAHAHAHAHA!

(A violent explosion from downstairs punctuates Dr. Azathoth’s laugh as we fade to black.)

End Transmission

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In Yo Face, Sucka

August 12th, 2003

[The scene is a ridiculously decorated bachelor pad, complete with stupid stuff “cool” guys would decorate a place in hopes of bedding chicks— lava lamp, fur covered sofa, end table that looks like a giant hand, framed picture of Einstein, another framed picture (this one of recently deceased Beatle George Harrison), a “spider” lamp, a weight bench, and a bust of Malcolm X (that looks as pasty as Casper for some reason) etc. Okay, so maybe these things won’t get you laid, but what else is a single dude going to furnish his pad with? Okay, let me rephrase that— a single dude WITH MONEY. Which is why you don’t see a milk crate serving as a coffee table.

Segue- In “George Jefferson-struts” a man that looks to be in his early 30’s, wearing SURPLUS baggie, faded jeans, a pair of tan Lugz boots, a Clippers jersey (which, since they haven’t changed their shitty logo in forever LOOKS like a throw-back) and an authentic L.L. Cool J Kangaroo cap pulled down to his eyebrows. Oh yeah, he also has a retro, big-ass Run DMC chain necklace, large enough to keep even a frothing Doberman in the yard, around his neck. The man looks weathered enough to have some gray hairs in his goatee— but following the lead of Kevin Nash and Goldberg, he has blackened them in with some Just for Men to look, perhaps, “younger” on television. He plops on the furry couch, and starts to speak in a forceful, gruff voice that sounds like he just smoked a whole pack of Malboros.]

PXT- “YO, YO, YO!
I’m gonna nip this in the bud, b’fo you get the CHANCE to call me a RIPOFF—
I was bustin’ rhymes and flowin’ lines back when Magnum T.A. wrestled NIKITA KOLOFF!

So don’t you fools even DARE say I’m that dude from the W-W-E—
He’s new school Eminem, and I’m ORIGINAL GANGSTA like ICE T!

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeah, you know Ice T, tha dude from Body Count back in 92, that’s right—
That’s b’fo John Cena even wrestled as THE PROTOTYPE!

So if you wanna see the real deal, look right here at PETE TRABLE—
You’ve prob-ly already seen me, though— been on more mag covers than SABLE!

But if you haven’t, take a look, I’m takin’ over this PROMOTION—
I’m the King of Jungle, the biggest fish IN THA OCEAN!

Ya’ll think I’m scared of Billy POLAR?
Shit, his ass is grass, and I’m THA LAWN MOWER!

And who’s this fag, that hub snuffer named Steve Studnuts?
The only action that cat’s getting is from up in MEN’S BUTTS!

Word, and what about that chump— masked dope named Kamakaze Ken?
I’ll beat his ass once, then I’ll do it AGAIN!

Same thing with that fem-boy, that sissy Trey Vincent—
Dude looks like a chick, like that Titanic bitch KATE WINSLETT!

Then you got that penis breath reject named Seth Harker—
You’re the hoochie that flips the prices, and I’m BOB BARKER!

Then you got that breakfast named dude with no skills cause he blows—
I’ll squeeze Waffleman’s head so tight, he’ll scream LETGO MY EGGO!

Ya’ll ain’t got nothing on me, cause I’m PETE TRABLE—
And talent-wise— ya’ll public access, and I’m DIGITAL CABLE!

Just give me a match, you’ll see this ain’t no game I’m PLAYIN’—
I’ll dust your ass with Pledge, know wha I’m SAYIN’?

Word Life
Barney Fife
I just had sex—- WITH YOUR WIFE!

I’m Audi—- 5000!”

[“X Gonna Give It To Ya” by DMX starts to play in the background, Pete flashes a gang sign of some sort and then exits stage left]

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Getting Back in the Game

May 3rd, 2003
Comments Off on Getting Back in the Game

[Pan interior of the ol’ Herbie B. Jenkins barn in beautiful, downtown New Idria, California. Yes, it’s another BOB house show. Billy Polar is standing in front of a large oak tree talking to Dennis the sexual predator/British announcer.]

BP: Damn BOB scheduling committee! This place doesn’t even have access to a paved road! Geez. That’s the first warning sign of a bad turnout! BigBOSS is a MORON!

Dennis: Now, now, Billy. You con’t say that for a certainty. A bloke’s intelligence is subjective. Besides, I’m sure scores of fans will file in from out of town.

BP: HOW?? By helicopter? And where the hell are our dressing rooms anyway? We have to change behind these trees?? I gotta tellya, that’s not a good sign, Dennis. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think BOB was in trouble….

Dennis: Nevertheless, we WILL persevere, for we are sports-entertainers. It is our job to provide inspiration to our fans – and, as such, we must indeed press ever onward, am I right old chap? (he puts his hand out for a high five)

BP: (just stares at him angrily)

Dennis: Yes, quite. Well then, Billy, the office wants to know what your response is to Massive Man Rendition First’s challenge?

BP: Who?

Dennis: Josh.

BP: Oh, right, right. The Kent State Krew, right. Now, let’s see. Which one’s Josh again?

Dennis: Errr, the tall one with the beady eyes. He’s turned heel now, it seems.

BP: Ah. He must be the smart one, then. So what does he want? What’s the gist of his argument, Dennis? I don’t have time to review the tapes. Besides, this place doesn’t even have electricity!

Dennis: Well, basically he says that you’re gay and that he wants to fight you in a #1 contender’s match for the OWTTM.

BP: 1st contender’s match? DONE! I’ve defeated Josh embarrassingly every single time I wrestled him, so I can certainly do so again because I TOTALLY DESTROYED him!! I OWN HIS SOUL!!! But more than likely, I probably won’t have to fight him again. The bookers are lazy. They’ll probably just replay the first match and change the dates. Heh heh. Why not? I’m just gonna easily win again, and besides, cutting back on the cost of film would really help our company out in these financially trying times….

Dennis: Well, that just wouldn’t be fair, I’m afraid….

BP: So? I’m sure the fans won’t mind, so long as I, Billy Polar, keep winning. But as for that whole “You gay!” thing – I tell you, how many times do I have to defend my manhood? Im tired of all the gay-calling that goes on around here! Ah, look! It’s BOB’s foremost expert on gay-itude, Da Sassy Bitch. Now I can finally put this issue to rest once and for all. Hey, Sass-man! Over here.

DSB: Whutsh up, Billy?

BP: You know a lot of gay people, don’t you?

DSB: (looking uncomfortable) Uhm, well, not really. I might know one or two. Acquaintances, of course.

BP: Of course. Now, I want you to clarify something to the fans for me, so let me ask you this. Do I, Billy Polar, strike you as gay, Sassy? Am I gay?

DSB: Uh, well, generally, if you have to ASK someone, then you probably a–

BP: SHUT UP! You’re no help!! I am Billy Polar, dammit, and I don’t deserve this! (pointing to himself) NOT GAY OVER HERE!! In fact, I have stolen every single wrestling diva Josh has ever had his eye on, except J.C. Long. Heh heh. First there was Candy Cantaloupes in the STWF (if I’d’ve known about that whole genital herpes thing, I’d’ve let him have her), and then Nurse Heidi (as if that were difficult). Poor Josh. If I were him, I’d be extremely sexually frustrated, too. Oh, and hey Josh! Guess what? You know those newbies, the Groin-Punching Bitches? Yeah, I saw you macking on them the other day when you got stranded on the highway and they stopped and changed your tire for you. Heh heh. Wuss! Well, guess what? All three of them agreed to go out with me tonight for some reason.

Dennis: By jove, did you say “three”?

BP: Yeah, that’s right! I said it! I said “three”. (looking around at his environs) Uhhhhhhhh, I’m not sure what THEY have in mind to do around here on our date, but I guess we could all go chuck some rocks or something. Yeah. There’s lots of stuff to do around here, oh, but I can’t WAIT until night-time, yeah, because we’ll definitely be doing some “howling at the moon” if you know what I mean! Heh heh. You know what I mean, right?

Dennis: Yes, I believe we understand the euphemism.

BP: Just had to make sure. I’m the only one who’s been to Harvard, after all. It’s very easy for my wit to rise above the heads of my audience, what with I being me and all, of course, dammit. Sometimes – sometimes my genius is a curse, Dennis.

Dennis: That it is, I assure you.

BP: Hey Josh! Looks like you came in “Rendition 2nd” this time, old buddy! BWAAA-HAHAHAAAAA!!

Dennis: Yes. Well, good luck with the triple-date then, ay wot? I don’t seem to recall the Groin-Punching Bitches being all that sociable, but hey, I guess you must’ve gotten through to them. Good show, old boy! How do you do it? You must tell us all the details of your triple-date tomorrow! Omitting absolutely nothing!!

BP: Heh heh. Are you sure? You see, I don’t feel right about openly bragging, you know. I wouldn’t want to rub it in Josh’s face or anything….

Dennis: Uhh, right. I’m sure he won’t mind. So, tune in tomorrow, fans, and you will be treated to footage of-

[Fade out.]

Copyright 2003. BOB: We put the “fun” in refund.

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Polar you want a match, come and get some, and fast cause I think its melting.

April 27th, 2003
Comments Off on Polar you want a match, come and get some, and fast cause I think its melting.

Massive Man Rendition First

(In an empty arena…did I say empty…I meant capacity filled, the big screen over the ramp goes blank (i think its called the BOBtron),then flashes with a bright white light, then goes blank again, then flashes, then blank, flashes, blank,flashes again, COULD SOME ONE FIX THAT PLEASE IT IS REALLY THROWING ME OFF! JESUS!, anyway, Willa Fords “I wanna be bad” fills the arena (Thank God something is.) and out walks the innovater or the “homosexual” cut down. MASSIVE MAN RENDITION FIRST ,and JC Long. They enter to very little heel heat (which is impressive given the size of the crowd)they enter the ring where Dennis is awaiting for an interview.)

Dennis: Mass…

(Rendition First grabs the mic, form Dennis.)

MMR1: First off I would like to take this moment to explain to you what the Detached Narrator meant by “homosexual” cut down. He did not mean that I am homosexual…

(Yes I did.)

MMR1: No he didn’t

(Yes I did)

MMR1: NO HE DIDN’T!

(YEA I DID!)

MMR1: Keep it up Narrator and you won’t be invited over to my house to play playstation 2 any more.

(Ohhh big loss..)

MMR1: And I just bought BMXXX…

(I apologize, your right I didn’t mean it.)

MMR1: As I was saying it just means that I come up with the greatest “gay” cracks.

(Dennis begins to giggle.)

Dennis: That’s what I hear about you.

MMR1: What?

Dennis: You always CUM up the greatest cracks.

MMR1: Dude grow up, thats not even what I said… Get some Joshitude…for real man! Yet again as I was saying…It means like when I say stuff like…Man Totally Face is sooo Gay! Or man I bet you Billy Polar really took all that time off not to recoup from a major injury but because he was having a lot of but sex with his cabana boy…

(JC Long and MMR1 high five and at that time Dennis grabs the mic back.)

Dennis: Well, that was immature.

MMR1: Whatever, you’re just jealous cause JC and I have the market cornered on Joshitude.

Dennis: How well you know me. Nevertheless you called me out here for a reason, so if you don’t mind telling me what it is…

MMR1: Well Denny JC Long has something he’d like to first.

JC: Thanks Rendition First, now first off. Massive Man here has told me that Not only am I the first Joshitude follower but I am by far the best so he has given me permission to have followers of my own. So I’d just like to give anyone out there an open call to become the first ever LONGJOHN follower, but be prepared to have to pass a few tests. Now Second I have for the last couple months have been waiting for a reply to my challenge. And now I am sick of waiting…AYOOYFM title I am calling you out for the last time! I want my title shot and if you are to scared to defend it then I’m just gonna have to take it.

Dennis: Are you for real? Did I just hear you correctly? You are calling out the Hardcore title.

JC: You’re damn right I am, its been along time coming but that belt is finally gonna get whats coming to him.

Dennis: Right, anything you’d like to say MMR1.

MMR1: Sure is!

(MMR1 grabs the mic for the second time.)

MMR1: Polar, you cheated me out of my first really OWTTM title shot then you left the business and I haven’t forgoten that! Now you’re back and complaining about not having a belt, well guess what? I got one…although I’m not entirly sure what it is called, but it does keep my coffee table from wobbling…

Dennis: I believe you are refering to the UP YO’ ASS SUCKA CHAMPIONSHIP.

MMR1: Yeah, whatever, anyway I am more than willing to put my prized title belt up against you. With on stipulation if I win I will once again get a OWTTM title shot…

Dennis: You are aware that the OWTTM is held my Hardcore JJ.

MMR1: You’re damn right I am frenchy. First I will take out Harvard boy , then I plan on taking down that little Bitch JJ for all those freakin’ JJ drops. You’ wouldn’t think but those things really hurt. Anyway what do you say Billy Boy, you wanna go one on one with the Rendition one…

Dennis: I think you mean first..

MMR1: First what??

Dennis: You said one, when you meant to say first.

MMR1: Dennis get out of my face before the man with the 20 gallon tub of Joshitude gets mad.

Dennis: What?

(JC holds up a 20 gallon tub with Joshitude written on it.)

Dennis: Oh!

MMR1: So to whom it may concern book the match cause Rendition first told ya too.

(JC and MMR1 begin to walk back up the ramp…when the bobtron goes blank, then flashes with a bright white light, then goes blank again, then flashes, then blank, flashes, blank,flashes again, As God as my witness someone has to fix that or I will go on a killing spree…excuse me….black out!)

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