Posts Tagged ‘Axl’

The Fall of the Hierarchy – part 2

November 18th, 2008
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[The camera re-opens, this time outside a small apartment… inside a much bigger apartment BUILDING, somewhere in downtown Sinister City.]

[Axl and Tifa make their way toward the door of the apartment. Axl removes a key from his brand new trenchcoat.]

Axl: In a way, I’m sorta glad to be rid of that “King” persona. Atleast now I can wear cool trenchcoats instead of that stupid, tired old robe!

Tifa: Yeah, but why’d you have to get it from “Goth Topik”? I mean, don’t you think we had enough of that place back in Nowhere, Oklahoma?

Axl: Hey, even if I am grunge now, that place is STILL rad! They’re so hardcore! I mean, didn’t you see those Trollz? Their heads were skulls, Tifa! SKULLS!

Tifa: Yup, nothing says “hardcore” like an adorable little doll with colorful hair.

Axl: I know, right?!


Axl: Alright, alright! Jimminy Christmas, don’t get your panties in a bunch…

Tifa: Like I’m even wearing any…

Axl: Ewww! I sooo didn’t need to know that!

Tifa: … You ARE gay, aren’t you?

Axl: >:^(

[Axl unlocks the apartment, and the two step inside. Everything’s a mess… from the stained carpet, to the holes in the ceiling… and of course, the holes AND stains on the walls.]

Tifa: Well… seeya.

Axl: What?! You’re not living with me?!

Tifa: Axl, you’ve had your stable mates stay with you ever since you stepped foot inside a BoB ring. It’s time for you to break out on your own, don’t you think?

Axl: But…

Tifa: Besides, there ain’t no chance in HELL I’m stayin’ in this roach motel. I’ve got my own place on the west side of town… you know, the classier section. A cozy little one bedroom house. Nothing big, but it sure beats this dump.

Axl: One bedroom? So… you’re living by yourself?

Tifa: Oh, no. I’ve got a boyfriend… well, two… or three…. Ok, I’ve got five boyfriends. At the moment. And they all sleep with me one night of the week. I’ve ALWAYS got a man in bed keeping me company.

Axl: In other words… you’re a slut.

Tifa: HEY! I’ll have you know I am NOT a slut! I’m… well, I just get around, that’s all.

Axl: Suuure. ;^)

Tifa: Oh screw off! Honestly, if I didn’t know for certain that I can turn you into a cash cow, I’d ditch YOUR ass this time! I’ll never forget you leaving me for that floozie, Rose.

Axl: Yeah, well, you should just be glad I didn’t do to you what I did to her.

Tifa: Hey, trust me, I saw iMPLOSION 9. You practically slaughtered the poor tramp! Really, watching you and your brother rip her apart… It was kinda cool to watch.

Axl: Yeah, but I did most of the work. I mean, Vi couldn’t beat the crap out of a woman by himself. What makes him think he’s got a shot against a real MAN like me?

Tifa: Heheh, yeah. Just don’t try any of that “shocking swerve” crap on me, got it?

Axl: Oooh, yeah, I’m sure you’ll… heehee… kick my ASS! HAHAHA!

Tifa: Nah. I’ll just get my lawyer to sue you for every penny you have, effectively ending your career, and having you wind up on the streets, sucking cock for spare change.

Axl: …

Tifa: I’ll catch ya later, k? I’ve got dinner with Ralph. Or is it Lawrence… Dammit, I always get those two mixed up. Anyway, have fun in your new dump. Er… apartment. Ciao!

Axl: …

[Tifa exits the apartment, leaving Axl a bit concerned. He walks toward his couch, and plops down.]

Axl: OUCH!

[Axl lifts up and looks down at the couch seat… where a spring is poking out.]

Axl: Dammit, this place SUCKS! Well, atleast there’s a tv.

[Axl flips on the tube… The news is the first thing Axl sees.]

CJ Mathews: Hello folks, and welcome to the 6 o’clock Newz. The results for the Sinister City election are in.

Axl: Yay. Color me excited. I’m just JUMPING for joy, over here…

CJ Mathews: And it’s a tie.

Axl: Lucky bum! That guy should – … Hold on a sec… What do you mean a TIE?!

CJ Mathews: You know, a tie. When two or more competitors come in at the same ranking, score, or number?

Axl: …

CJ Mathews: Yes, both candidates tied… at zero votes each. And so, it is with much honor that I now announce the city’s new CO-mayors, who are as follows. First of all, Tony Fark, who formerly went by the last name of his half brother Mario Spaghetti. He now goes under his REAL name, the name given to him by his father. His brother Mario has also decided to use HIS father’s last name, as he becomes sole owner of the family pizza parlor. From now on he will be reffered to as – Mario Luigi. “Mario’s Pizza and Games” opens to the public next week. And as for Tony’s co-mayor, our roving reporter Rebecca Mulesworth is standing by with him now…

[The screen switches to the mayor’s office in the mayor’s mansion, where Tony Fark is sitting at the mayor’s desk… playing some sort of handheld system. Rebecca stands beside the desk, microphone in hand.]

Rebecca: Thank you, CJ. Uhm… well, I was supposed to meet Mr. Fark’s co-mayor today, but I’ve only been able to find Mr. Fark himself. Tell me Mr. Fark, what are you playing?

Tony: It’s called a DS-P, and it’s from Vi-Tech. Vi-Tech is a small company led by our former mayor’s esteemed brother. Yes, Viruz, the man who gave the world the X-Station Wii60. I’m proud to be the beta tester for this genius device, which is set to be released soon, just in time for Christmas.

Rebecca: You’re being paid to sponsor this thing, aren’t you.

Tony: Well… yes. But I just LOVE this “Brain Weight” game.

Rebecca: Brain… Weight?

Tony: Yes! It’s a game that allows you to determine how smart you are, simply by inputing the weight of your brain!

Rebecca: But… how exactly are you planning on finding out the weight of your brain? Wouldn’t you have to dig it out first?

Tony: You’re absolutely right! Which is why I plan on using that scalpel over there pretty soon!

[Tony points at a scalpel on the desk. Rebecca looks at the scalpel… and then stares at Tony, completely confused.]

Rebecca: Uhm… sir? Don’t you think that may be a bit… dangerous?

Tony: … You’re right!

[Tony chucks the handheld across the room, causing it to break apart.]

Tony: Piece ah junk! That’s the last time I buy a game from that stupid ol’ gypsy!

Rebecca: … I thought you said Viruz made that?

Tony: I don’t have any viruses! Crabs maybe.

Rebecca: … Where’s raYne?

[Suddenly, a knock is heard from under the desk. raYne shoots up… and wipes his lip.]

[Tony zips up his pants.]

Rebecca: Oh… my… GOD. You’re telling me you were under there the WHOLE time?! You… you were sucking his…

raYne: Oh calm down sweetie! I wasn’t pulling a Lewinsky if that’s what you were thinking!

Rebecca: … You weren’t?

raYne: Nooo, of course not! I’m not Tony’s intern! I’m his co-mayor!

Rebecca: … So?

raYne: That makes this way, WAAAY different! Honey, Monica was sucking Billy C’s schlong to make her job a bit cushier. But I’ve got just as much power as Farky over here. I was just doing it because, well, I likey me some dick!

Rebecca: …

raYne: So, what were you waiting on lil’ ol’ me for?

Rebecca: Uhm… I just… uh…

Tony: Hey, wait a minute… I just noticed something! raYne, you were down there for like an hour! You couldn’t have been tying my shoe! And why are my pants wet…

Rebecca: … Back to you CJ. Sheesh…

[Back in the apartment, Axl clicks off the tv. He fumes with anger…]

Axl: I cannot BELIEVE this! Not only is Tony the mayor… but so is RAYNE! And the worst part is, there’s nothing I can do about it! I no longer have any power in this city… I’m nothing more than a commoner!

Axl: I’m stuck at the bottom… climbing my way back to the top.

Axl: I’ve been forced to begin again…

[Axl looks into the camera.]

Axl: And Viruz… brother… this is ALL your doing. The loss of my mayorship? Your doing. Michelle leaving me? Your doing. The destruction of MY castle? YOUR doing. Every single loss I’ve suffered over the past year? Your doing! The Fall of the Hierarchy?! YOUR DOING!!!

Axl: But… when the Viruz is finally cleaned from BoB’s system? When your blood stains the mat… every last inch of Sin City Stadium… and the STREETS of Las Vegas?

Axl: When the only member of the Hierarchy left in BoB… is the one who began its rise all those months ago? Then…

Axl: THEN…

Axl: It shall be my doing.

Axl: You chose not to Believe, dear brother. Now… you shall be left.

[Axl reaches into his trenchcoat pocket… and pulls from it his iPod. He pushes the headphones into his ears… and presses play.]

“I walk the maze of moments.
But everywhere I turn to
Begins a new beginning
But never finds a finish.
I walk to the horizon,
And there I find another.
It all seems so surprising,
And then I find that I know…
You go there, you’re gone forever.
I go there, I’ll lose my way.
If we stay here were not together…”

|anywhere is|

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The Fall of the Hierarchy – part 1

November 17th, 2008
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[The camera opens upon a guillotine… standing ominously in the center of the Castle’s front yard.]

[Many of the townspeople have gathered around. Bakers … car dealers… resteraunt owners… even the chief of police.]

[Four people stand behind the guillotine… their hands and feet shackled, and their faces awash in terror…]

[Former Hierarchy member, Tony Spaghetti.]

[Owner of the local pizza parlor, Mario Spaghetti.]

[Roving Reporter for Sinister Newz, Rebecca Mulesworth.]

[And snOw, sister of former Hierarchy member raYne.]

[Sinister Newz anchorman CJ Mathews had reported earlier on in the day that tonight, these four men and women shall be stripped of their life. They have all spent the day… every passing hour… feeling their lives slip away.]

Sir Lancelot: Ladies and gentlemen… It is my great honor to now present to you… your highness… his majesty… THE KING!

[Suddenly, an Elvis impersonator runs out from the crowd, and begins to gyrate, as the audience chortles.]

Sir Lancelot: GUARDS!!! Remove this swine from the courtyard, and toss him into the dungeon!

“Elvis”: Thank ya, thank ya very- HEY! Watch it with that sword son, yer bruisin’ muh hunka-hunka-burnin’-ass!

[A trio of guards drag the Elvis impersonator away from the scene, heading toward the dungeon to lock him up.]

Sir Lancelot: Now… the one TRUE king… KING AXXXLLL!!!

[A pair of spotlights shine through the night, as the drawbridge lowers. Knights standing upon the castle’s turrets drop confetti down upon the ground below, as the sounds of trumpets and drums fill the air.]

[A commentary desk has been set up beside the moat.]

Wes Rivers: Hello sports fans, and welcome to the first annual Beheading-Mania!!! Heads will roll! This night is sure to be filled with blood, blood, more blood, and October Surprises!

JJ Mynuz: Yo, yo, yo bro…. It’s November.

Wes Rivers: Ah… so it is. In that case, this night is sure to be filled with November… uh… SHOCKING TWISTS!

JJ Mynuz: Yo, yo, yo… Why’d I have to replace Rex Winters again?

Wes Rivers: Because he couldn’t afford a plane ticket out of hell. They’re expensive this time of year.

JJ Mynuz: Yo dawg, dat’s some fxed up crazy sheet right durr.

Wes Rivers: Indeed.

[“King” Axl steps through the massive door… a solemn expression spread over his face. He is obviously still healing from the attack his brother dished out to him. I say “obviously”, mainly due to the fact that instead of carrying a king’s scepter, Axl is carrying a crutch, which he uses to slowly make his way across the drawbridge. Axl breathes heavily with every step he takes… his rusty crown barely staying atop his head, as every time he moves his entire body shakes in pain. His long, tattered and torn robe whips harshly in the cold November wind. The corners of his eyes swell with tears, as he tries desperately to endure the aches in his back and the pounding in his head. Axl finally makes it to the front of the towns people… and he stares at them. He stares and he stares, without muttering a single word. He knows deep down within his soul that not a one of them care for him… And that they’d rather see him die before living another year with him as their mayor. And yet, Axl holds back these thoughts… insisting to believe within his mind that they all adore him.]

[That they are his flock… and he is their shephard.]

Axl: Citizens of the Sinister Kingdom… a dark day has descended upon us. My brother… my very own flesh and blood brother… has betrayed not only me, but this entire city. First? He released the most vile, contemptuous criminal in the Kingdom, without even a moment’s notice… not letting a soul know, and allowing for the wretched bird to come and go from the castle dungeon as he pleased. I had come to believe that the man known as Pigeon was well taken care of, locked away within this castle’s dungeon… when in fact, he had free pass all along to come and go as he wished. And now? NOW?! My brother… he has stabbed me in the back. And not only has he stabbed me in the back, but he’s dug the dagger deep into my skin, and drawn it downward… alongside my spine, and allowing for the blood to flow freely.

Axl: My brother… is now my most sworn enemy.

Axl: And I will not rest until he is no more.

Wes Rivers: Stirring words from our King, wouldn’t you say JJ?

JJ Mynuz: No diggity, no doubt bay-bee! What what! Word to yo’ gram gram!

Wes Rivers: … Yeah, that is a pretty lame line when you think about it.

JJ Mynuz: Jigga-wha’?

[Axl hears the talking between the two “commentators”, and can’t help but turn his attention to the duo.]

Wes: It appears as though our esteemed mayor is looking in our very direction!

JJ: Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, YO! … Wassssaaaappppp! Yo, King, how’s ’bout you an’ me go shoot some hoops aftah dis speech you layin’ down fah deez clowns? I’ll bet you fiddy bucks I can beat yo’ ass in one on one! I’mma rake them benjamins in like they red an’ yellah leaves, ya hurrrd me?! Damn straight, I’mma pick up that cash flow, ya know, cuz it’s all about dat money, money, yeah, yeah! Lemme hear yall say it! It’s about dat money, money –

Crowd: …

JJ: Dat money, money –

Crowd: …

JJ: … Ya know what, fuck yall. I’m goin’ back tah West Newberry… I’m like da only black guy there, but atleast they respect my black ass! My rap skills may suck, but atleast I’m bettah on da mic than dat John Semen foo’… Peace in!

[JJ removes himself from the desk, and walks off.]

Wes: Well… maybe I should send Rex a cab. I’m sure the fare out of hell isn’t THAT much… Not so sure about the fare back TO hell… Cabbies aren’t usually as eager for that trip.

Axl: WES! I could have sworn I got rid of you a long, LONG time ago! Now, since you’re right next to the damn moat… I think it’s time you met my friend Wally.

Wes: Wally? Is he you’re life partner?

Axl: I AM NOT GAY!!!

Wes: Oh, it’s fine Axl! I mean, now that Michelle’s out of the picture, you’ve gotta have SOMEONE. There’s nothing wrong if that someone happens to have a penis twice as long as your baby carrot dick.

Axl: ARRGGH!!! Meet Wally… Wally GATOR!

[Axl drops the crutch, and kicks Wes’ desk back into the commentator’s chest, knocking both him and the table into the moat, ala the movie “300”… only if that scene were played out between a guy sitting behind a desk and a flaming homosexual.]


> > > Flash Report From Sinister Newz < < < CJ Mathews: Folks, I've just received word that Viruz, the brother of our city's King, has called in the feuding brothers' father, Judas Van Halen. Judas has promised to lend his 100% support to the younger of the two brothers, as he says our mayor, Axl, has never shown him the respect a father deserves. He's told Sinister Newz that "after busting his ass for Axl when he was a kid, providing him with a home, three meals a day, and all the love a dad can give, THIS is the way Axl repays him?" Sue Bastian Bach, Viruz and Axl's mother, and our city's former mayor, issued a rebuttle ; "Judas, you do remember we sold Axl for concert tickets... right? We never even saw him until he was a part of BoB!", to which Judas responded, "...Oh." Judas remains on the side of Viruz, and in a great show of support, Judas will be standing at ringside during Viruz's match against his older brother. Sue responded to this by simply stating that she has always loved her son Axl, no matter what he has done... and that she WILL stand at ringside, in his corner, as he takes on his younger brother, December 6th at MegaBrawl 2, live and only on On-Demand. The event will be hosted from the gorgeous outdoor Sin City Stadium, and will be the grandest spectacle of the year for Brawlers on a Budget. Now back to your regularly scheduled long-ass rant. > > > End Flash Report < < < Axl: AND ANOTHER THING - [Hey, could ya hurry this up, it's already 6am, and I really don't feel like writing 2 more hours worth of crappy dialogue.] Axl: >:^(

[ :^P ]

Axl: Fine! Ladies and gentlefolk, I have brought out all four of my prisoners here upon this night. Up until October Surprise, I had planned on allowing them to slowly rot away… giving them a lifetime of torture and dreadful meals, so that I can spend the rest of my life returning to them the hell they put me through. But, after seeing Pigeon escape so easily from his chains…

[The Elvis impersonator is seen running out of the dungeon and toward the castle gates… shouting “Axl ain’t nothin’ but a hound dog!” all the way home.]

Axl: I really need to buy better prison chains… The generic brand just isn’t cutting it. … Anyway, seeing as it’s so hard to keep good prisoners these days… I’ve decided to do away with them here and now. Tonight, each of these four will meet their fate. A grisly fate, which you are all well aware of from the guillotine you see before your eyes. Allow this display tonight to be a lesson to you all. Do not follow in the footsteps of these four… nor the footsteps of that bastard brother of mine. I took him into my home… I allowed him to bask in my glow. I gave him the chance to team with ME, a God amongst mortal men… and to eat, sleep, and drink here, within the confines of the most grandiose palace in all of the kingdoms of all the world.

Axl: I gave my very SOUL to my brother.

Axl: And how did he repay me? By costing me a match with American Panda… By kicking me in the FACE… and by putting me in a match against him, with my career on the line!

Axl: Viruz… wherever you are… When MegaBrawl arrives, I will release upon you the frustrations I’ve let bottle up within for far too long… I will savor every scratch I leave upon your body… I will relish in your ruin…

Axl: And I will watch my hands grip themselves around your throat… and choke the air from your lungs… and finish you. Once and for all.

Axl: People of Sinister City… do not follow in these four people’s footsteps… but most of all, do not follow in those of Viruz. For if you do? You shall meet with the very same fate as them.

Axl: Death… at my hands.

Axl: The Hierarchy is dead. Long live the King.

[Axl snaps his fingers, and Lancelot grabs snOw by the back of her hair… shoving her head into the guillotine, and locking it down, so she may not move.]

[Axl lowers down beside her, and growls in her face… speaking venomously… spitting in her face with every word.]

Axl: It’ll be my pleasure to take your life first, snOw. All that you represent… the same level of raging homosexuality that your brother possesses. It SICKENS me. After years of hearing everyone label me a queer, it’s become one of my life’s goals to remove every last gay man, lesbian woman, and bisexual WHATEVER from the face of this earth. Seeing as I won’t have the chance with your brother… I guess I’ll have to start with you.

Axl: See you in hell.

[Axl stands and raises a thumb to the air. The executioner holds the rope connected to the blade… Axl turns his thumb over, signalling downward. The executioner releases the rope, sending the blade down… down… and finally – ]

> > > Flash Report From Sinister Newz < < < CJ Mathews: Folks, I've just received word from the city council members, that due to our current mayor beheading one of the town's citizens just as this report began, he is hereby stripped of his position as mayor! > > > End Flash Report < < < Axl: ... They can't do that! > > > Flash Report From Sinister Newz < < < CJ Mathews: This just in - Yeah. They can. Effective immediately, Axl has been ousted from his position as mayor, due to rampant acts of stupidity, as well as being a total jackass. I mean, come on, seriously, who cuts some chick's head off simply because she's a lesbian? Sounds like something some evangelical goon like Jerry Falwell would consider. You know, if he weren't dead. An election has been ordered, and will take place in the later part of this rant. For Sinister News, I'm CJ Mathews saying, fuck you Axl, may you burn like a cockroach in a microwave. > > > End Flash Report < < < Axl: ... GODDAMIT!!! You people can't do this!!! You love me! You know it, I know it, this whole damn city knows it! Every last one of you worship the ground I walk on! Citizen in the Third Row: Actually... no. We don't. Axl: ... Well. Atleast I still have my beautiful castle! [Suddenly, a humongous wrecking ball soars through the air, colliding with the huge castle... and instantly wipes it to the ground. Axl only hears the impact... but when he turns around and sees the damage which has been done, he drops to his knees.] Axl: No... NOOO!!! This... this can't be happening. I've lost my girlfriend... I've lost my home... I've lost the mayorship... I've lost the Hierarchy... I've lost on Jeopardy. *rimshot* Axl: And my brother... he's deserted me. I just keep losing and losing... and losing. Axl: ... [Axl remains on his knees... staring off into the wreckage that used to be his castle.] ???: The King is dead, I suppose. Axl: ... Is... is that an angel? ???: Nah. He left your butt too. Kurt's gone... but I'm here. Axl: Wait a minute... I know that voice! [Axl stands up... Huh, maybe his mom's already arrived. Ready to throw her support behind her baby boy at the biggest show of the year. Isn't that speeecial... ] [Axl rises to his feet, turns around, and... hold the phone...] Axl: TIFA!!! Am I ever glad to see you! Tifa Bon Jovi: You better be. I think I have a deal that's going to pull your career out of the gutter it's been in for the past... year. Make that two. By the way, narrator boy. The last name's WITHERSPOON. Axl made me change it to Bon Jovi. But from now on, Axe? I'll be the one telling YOU what to do, capice? Axl: Hey, if you think you can help me, I'll call you anything your little heart desires. ;^) Tifa: You can call me "agent", because from now on, that's what I'll be. I need you to be the client that saves my so-far crummy agency. And the first step to doing that - [Tifa reaches into her pocket and pulls out an iPod.] Tifa: - is this baby right here. [Tifa hands this over to Axl... who looks at it strangely.] Axl: Uhm... what exactly am I supposed to do with an iPod? Tifa: Listen to music. Duh. Axl: -_- Tifa: But seriously. I've got about twenty two tracks on that thing. And each and every one of them is "Anywhere Is", by Enya. And it's on an infinite loop. All you have to do is shove the headphones into your ears, press play, and Anywhere YOU Is? That's where "Anywhere Is" is! :^D Axl: Tifa... you're a fucking GENIUS. It's gonna be a pleasure having you work for me. Tifa: Erm, correction. You'll be working for ME. Whatever I tell you to do, you'll do. Otherwise, your career is going to go down the drain faster than a turd in a vaccum. Axl: Well fine. But I just want you to do one thing for me. Tifa: And what's that? Axl: Show me the money. Tifa: ... What? Axl: I said... show me the money. Tifa: What money? Axl: ... No, you're supposed to SAY it. Say, "Show me the money". Tifa: No. Axl: Oh come on! Say it Tifa! You know you wanna! Say, "Show me the money!" Tifa: UGH... Show me the money. There, now can we please jet? If I'm ever going to save your career, I'm going to need to do a whole helluva lot of work... Axl: Not yet! I need you to say it, one more time, with feeling! Show me the money!!! Tifa: ... Show me the money!!! Axl: Again, and louder! SHOW ME THE MONEY!!! Tifa: SHOW ME THE MON-AAAYYY!!! Axl: Yeah! Now say it one more time, this time while I'm grabbing onto your boobies! Tifa: -_- Axl: Er... Tifa: Axl... If I didn't need you, you'd be lying flat on your ass right now. Axl: Just one boobie? Tifa: AXL!!! Axl: Sorry. |continued|

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October Surprise: The Curse of Kobe Gyant

November 10th, 2008
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Kobe Gyant

Fade to black. Just that creepy song. Whoops. The lens cap is on. Ah, there we go. Fade in on a shadowy figure walking toward a chair that’s set up across from a huge 150-inch plasma television screen showing “The Curse of Michael Myers”. Does that shadowy figure have…a knife? He’s definitely holding something in his hand. LOOK OUT KOBE!

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Damn, I hate this movie.

The figure raises the “weapon” quickly.

<--Mike "The Monotone" Monroe-->

Hi Kobe.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Mike? You tryin’ to give a brotha a heart attack? How did you get past the moat, the alligators, the dogs, the barbed wire fence, the land mines, the eye scanner, and those guys who were too crazy to work for Blackwater USA?

<--Mike "The Monotone" Monroe-->

I came around back.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Damn, forgot about the back. What you want, Mike?

<--Mike "The Monotone" Monroe-->

I was just wondering what your thoughts were after being victorious at October Surprise and being undefeated here in Brawlers on a Budget?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

How can a Gyant get any bigger? I don’t know but I’m a freak of nature. I’m so big after October Surprise that tomorrow I’ve got an audition for a TV commercial. So keep an eye out for Kobe Gyant starring as Snoop Doggy Dogg in “Mic Villain.” Na mean?

<--Mike "The Monotone" Monroe-->

“Mic Villian”?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

It’s like “Guitar Hero”, but you rap instead. They better not dress me up like Tom Cruise and have me dance around like an Axl or I’ll poke someone’s eye out, you know? This movie is stupid. If I was Michael Myers I’d be stabbing women with my penis, not a knife. What fun is that? If I was in Star Wars, I wouldn’t even NEED a light saber, son. I’d be Kobe Wan Nablowme.

<--Mike "The Monotone" Monroe-->

But enough about your genitalia. Were you trying to make a statement at October Surprise?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

About wantin’ to give Kay Fabe a Gyant orgasm? Nah, man. I’m down whenever she’s down. On her knees or her back or my face, whatever she wants to do. If Kay wants the best 24 hours of her life, all she has to do is come knocking. Then I’ll knock her til she comes and comes again.

<--Mike "The Monotone" Monroe-->

So, what’s next for Kobe Gyant?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Well, as everybody knows, I temporarily suspended my bid to become ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS. However, I’m restarting my campaign now that I’ve destroyed the 4 Steelchairs and Va-Jay-Jay Dillon in Snore Games and plan to take the next step at MegaBrawl II. But before we talk about that, you know, there was some other guy running around the Rant Zone, acting like he’s oppressed here in BOB and finding inspiration from Barack Obama, or B-Ob as I call him. Mike, is Axl black?

<--Mike "The Monotone" Monroe-->

Based on what Michelle’s told me, that would be a definite “no.”

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Well that’s just a case of the white devils stealing black culture once again. You can’t have Obama whitey. Some day Axl you’ll pay for your gay homo love of Obama. I got three words for Axl: No. You. Can’t. You’re already a hasbeen. You should be wrestling in the T&A division, son. Or at least the Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual Transgender Hardcore division I heard they might be starting. You think you’ve been held back? My people haven’t held the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS in 400 years, son!

<--Mike "The Monotone" Monroe-->

Actually douja was black and he won the OWTTM in 2001.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Aww, hell. Really? Shoot. Alright. Uhh. You think you’ve been held back? My people haven’t held the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS in like 7 years son! Being black is like being the Chicago Cubs every day of your life. Oh wait I guess you’d know what that’s like since you’re such a loser. Axl: the Detroit Lions of BOB.

Axl, Kobe Gyant is plasma. You’re one of those black and white analog TVs that’s gonna become a dinosaur on Feb 17 when stations go to digital. You’re a cassette tape, I’m a MP3, son. I’m a Mac.

<--Mike "The Monotone" Monroe-->

And I’m a PC.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Anyway…Axl, call me on your rotary phone when you be main eventin’. I’ll be sure to check my iPhone for your message. There are rumors about Kobe Gyant getting into a number one contenders match at MegaBrawl 2. I can’t wait to show the world on the biggest stage that The BOB can afford that Kobe Gyant is the future of this company. Now get outta my house, Mike! I’ve got things to do, women to screw, paternity tests to take, money to make. Hit the concrete.

rant , , , , , , ,

Yes. We. Can.

November 5th, 2008
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“I have a dream.”
– Axl… Savior Elect

[The camera opens…]

[… to 11pm]

[… to Chicago]

[… to November 4th, 2008.]

B.O. : America, we have come so far. We have seen so much. But there is so much more to do. So tonight, let us ask ourselves – if our children should live to see the next century; if my daughters should be so lucky to live as long as Ann Nixon Cooper, what change will they see? What progress will we have made? This is our chance to answer that call. This is our moment. This is our time – to put our people back to work and open doors of opportunity for our kids; to restore prosperity and promote the cause of peace; to reclaim the American Dream and reaffirm that fundamental truth – that out of many, we are one; that while we breathe, we hope, and where we are met with cynicism, and doubt, and those who tell us that we cant, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people:

Yes We Can. Thank you, God bless you, and may God Bless the United States of America.

[Something has happened.]

[On this day…]

[On this night…]

[Change has happened.]

[Yes… change has happened. Our camera pans across the humongous crowd… before switching to scenes all across the world, all of people reacting much the same as those in Chicago…]

[… Before finally opening outside the Residence of Evil.]

[Change has happened.]

[For what was once decked out as a simple home, bearing just a slight resemblence to a castle, has been paved over… and REPLACED with a castle. An actual, wood, stone, and brick castle, erected so tall that it casts a shadow over all that surrounds it. The drawbridge lowers down… resting across an actual moat, some twenty feet wide, leaving little room between the moat and the street. Two guards step through the giant door… and stand on either side of it, gripping one flag a piece… the left guard holding the American flag… the Right Guard ™ holding the new flag of Sinister City, which is a black flag, pre-made to be tattered and torn, with a skull adorned with a crown. Below the crowned skull there lies one simple word ;]


[A trumpeteer marches through the door… blasting out “You Know You’re Right” in perhaps the absolute worst rendition of a Nirvana song EVER…]

[Axl follows through… and shoves the trumpet player from the bridge, sending him flying into the moat… where he is eagerly ripped to shreds and feasted upon by a horde of hungry crocodiles. Blood spreads throughout the water…]

[Axl stands tall upon the wooden surface of the freshly crafted drawbridge, wearing a long, flowing, yet totally trashed robe, and a crown upon his head. He removes a black baseball bat from within his robe… and rests it down upon his shoulder.]

[He smiles.]

Axl: Studnuts. Yeah, you… JERKWEED! Guess what? YOU LOST!

[A little yellow kid with brown hair and a blue vest walks on screen… points at the camera… and cackles.]

Nelson Muntz: HA-HAH!!!

[He then walks away… as Axl scratches his head.]

Axl: Huh… don’t remember seeing that kid around town… ANYWAY. Stevie… I’m sorry, but it seems as though “The Mac” got Barack Rolled!!! 367 to 171?! Dude, Barack whooped…that…ASS!

[The little yellow kid steps back into the picture…]

Nelson Muntz: I reiterate… HA-HAH!!!

[…before once again taking his leave.]

Axl: … I seriously need to hire some better knights… the security around this place is crap. Just like McCain’s chances of winning, STEVE-O!

[I thought you said in another rant that you were a Republican?]

Axl: Uh…

[This is just a desperate attempt to get a match with Studs, isn’t it?]

Axl: Well… YES. But I deserve a GREAT match at MegaBrawl 2, and seeing as Great obviously won’t accept an invite… I GOTTA FIND SOMEBODY! I will NOT be the girl that doesn’t have a date to the prom!

[Girl? Shouldn’t that be boy? Unless you’re hiding something that, well, everyone’s pretty much known since your arrival here?]

Axl: … I’M NOT GAY!

[Besides, you’re, phff, “fired”. Of course, that’s apparently not stopping you from competing at October Surprise…]

Axl: WHAT?! What are you insinating?! Of course I’m fired!

[Then why are begging anyone and anybody for a match at MB II?

Axl: Er… I forgot! I’ve got a bad memory, man… A really… bad memory. … HONEST.

[What a pity. Perhaps one of THE biggest events in the history of our nation just occured… and you’re busy trying to scrounge up a match for a BoB On-Demand.]

Axl: Not just ANY BoB On-Demand, dammit! The biggest BoB On-Demand in our country’s history. An On-Demand event that will begin a HUUUGE change in how America perceives our nation’s greatest icon.

[… Ronald McDonald?]


[… PHFF, hahahahahahaha!]

[Nelson Muntz returns on screen, and begins to point at Axl, and presumabely laugh his fool head off… when Axl grabs ahold of the poor kids head, lifts him up above his own head, and tosses Nelson from the drawbridge, down into the waiting jaws of a croc. Axl then points down toward the moat…]

Axl: HA-HAH!!!

[Axl looks back into the camera.]

Axl: Ahem… excuse me for that, but there’s just something about kids that I simply detest. Something… evil. More evil than even I. And we just can’t have that, now can we?

Axl: Two weeks from now… I’ll have been in this company for two years. And for two years… two… long… years… I’ll have felt the greatest opression that any American citizen has EVER felt. An opression greater than that felt by chicks, jews and black dudes. An opression even greater than that felt by a black jew chick! Two years ago, I was a rookie. A rookie believing that he stood a chance of one day becoming the Only World Champion That Matters. And I did hold that title… I held that title, and I held the Swiss Army Title. And I held the leadership of the Hierarchy… the mayorship of this city, my Kingdom… and I held the distinction of being the only hair band leader in BoB history. But what happened to it all? I asked myself that earlier… staring into the mirror at a man wearing a rusty crown. I asked myself that… and the answers began to flood my mind.

The hair band? Gone. Because let’s face it, the only people who like hair metal are women over thirty… and those vile, dreadful gays.

The Hierarchy? Gone. Let’s face it, Kurt’s pretty much struck out on his own, which leaves me, Michelle, and my brother. Not much of a stable.

The Swiss Army Title? Gone… but more importantly? The Only World Title that Matters ; GONE. All because of that DAMN iAd…

Axl: But hey, I’ve gotta look at the silver lining, right? Grunge is sooo much better than glam. And why have a stable when the greatest brothers in wrestling can just form a tag team that surpasses even the nWo and DX COMBINED? And yes, there’s always the mayorship. I AM the King of Sinister City… and forever will be.

Axl: But the OWTTM… that is perhaps the greatest evidence that exists to point towards BoB’s opression of its very own Savior. Things are coming easy for today’s rookies… guys like Kobe Gyant, Stephen Hawking, and of course, that bastard, The Great. They’ve all entered BoB, and been HANDED the ball… while I? I had to scratch, I had to claw… I had to kill or be killed… and even then? Even then, I was left with nothing. Nothing but my girl, my bro, and the power over every Citizen in this city. But when it comes to BoB… well, I never was given a fair shake. And that ulimately led to me being fired… and disgraced. And all I have to show for it are the scars that still tarnish my gorgeous physique… the scars left by that CAD Sillicone M. Plants.

Axl: There are so many people to thank for the hell that’s been the past two years… The iAd, especially Steve Studnuts… Doc M. Plants… The Great… Death… Pigeon… and of course, the man… or should I say THING, that my bro faces at October Surprise ; American Panda. If it wasn’t for that panda, why… I would have never been fired in the first place! That’s right, you overgrown teddy bear! I KNOW what you did!

Axl: I know what you did… LAST SUMMER!

Axl: That’s right, I remember it like it were yesterday… And I bet you do as well, A.P. Remember? July 5th? UnFourGiven… it was the Beer in the Belly Ladder match. Now, I bet I know what you’re all thinking. What does A.P. have to do with the Beer in the Belly match, eh? I mean, you probably think A.P. couldn’t have POSSIBLY had anything to do with it… what with him not being in BoB and all, right? WRONG! It is a fact, a stone cold FACT, that American Panda… is actually Dr. THRILLA!!! You have all recognized by now that A.P. wears a mask? Have any of you wondered WHY? It should be obvious, but unfortunately, it takes a genius, such as myself, to unravel even the simplest of things for you people. The Truth is, underneath that mask, there hides the doctor we all THOUGHT fell into an Inescapable Pit of No Escape… but who in actuallity was none other than Garth Vader and Garth Maul’s father, Garth Sidious! That guy was just as ugly as Thrilla. Well… almost.

Axl: Thrilla took the case that was rightfully mine, fled the country for the past four months… and now? He’s returned, under a mask, and I BET you that when October Surprise rolls around, that bastard, Dr. ThrillAmerican Panda, will be the one to cash in the Beer in the Belly! And you want in on a little secret? He didn’t buy it on eTrey, like the big wigs in Brawler Tower over there in Bobford, Connecticut will tell you. Oh, no, no, no… He was HANDED the case, just like Hawking, Gyant, and The Great have been handed everything their entire stay here. And he was handed it by Trey Vincent himself! Because Dr. M Plants told him to! Because Steve Studnuts told him to! Because Death told him to! Because Pigeon told HIM to! It’s all a conspiracy I tell you! It’s all been a plot to keep me away from the OWTTM!!! It’s the Truth! It’s real! It’s a fact! It’s a DAMN fact!

[You really are nuts, aren’t you?]

Axl: You hush up, this doesn’t concern you! But what it all comes down to is this ; I’ve been held back from the OWTTM for too damn long. The only run I’ve had with it was a one month reign, which was cut short due to the MERE fact that the iAd cost me the title, and has nothing to do with me “trashing the title”, no matter WHAT you may believe.

[… But, uh, Axl? That IS the reason. That’s sorta why the iAd cost you the belt in the first place…]

Axl: LIES! All lies!

[But Axl -]

Axl: (covers ears and begins to scream) I’M NOT LISTENING, I’M NOT LISTENING, I’M NOT LISTENIIINGGG!!!

[Oh for pity’s sake…]

Axl: (uncovers ears) I’m not paranoid! I don’t have anger issues, I don’t take things too seriously… I’M PERFECT! And yet, the BoB administration, the BoB Substars, and the BoB FANS… what little of those there are… have all shunned me… and shackled me. I deserve better! I’ve always deserved better! I deserve better than anyone in this City… this country… I deserve better than anyone on the entire planet Earth!!! I AM A GOD! I AM A SAINT!! I AM A SAVIOR!!!

And it’s about fucking time somebody recognized this.

Axl: I have the intelligence to lead this city to becoming not only the capitol of Utah… but the capitol of the United States of America. I have the strength, the speed, and the sheer FORCE to lead the Hierarchy Brothers to a tag team title reign… and to become the OWCTM for a second time. And I have the talent, the ability, the skill, the power, and the unmatched EVIL-NESS… to lead BoB to becoming the most elite promotion in all of sports entertainment! BoB could be defeating WWE on a weekly basis right now… but they’re not. And why is this? Because they haven’t trusted me with the reigns… and yet, they do trust some fool like The Great-er Tot, some spineless coward like Silly Putty M. Plants, and some shiftless BITCH like Steven NumbNuts!!! They trust this lot of piss-poor piss-ants… but do they trust me? No…

But that will change.

I’ve never felt true acceptance in this company… in the entirety of my two years here, I’ve always felt like a second class citizen.

But that will change.

While others have risen to Greatness… While other have been deemed “Stupendous”, and been to made feel like a Gyant among men… I’ve felt like a man with no home. A homeless man if you will.


But that WILL change.

[Uhm, how exactly do you plan on changing it, if you really ARE “fired”? Hm?]

Axl: Uh…

[Yup, that’s what I thought.]

Axl: REGARDLESS! I’ve been told that I’ll never be on par with the other members of the roster for two full years… I’ve been told that I’m not on level with Studnuts, or M. Plants, or Death, or Trey, or even that idiot Great.

They’ve told me I can’t stand toe to toe with the main event players… They’ve told me I can’t defeat them. I’m here to tell them… To tell you ALL…

Yes. I. Can.

And yes I will…

Axl: And it all begins with October Surprise.

Axl: American Panda… if that is your real name. Change is coming… and it begins with you.

|th –

[Wait a second… if “Viruz” is facing American Panda…]



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Viruz meets Viruz

October 24th, 2008
Comments Off on Viruz meets Viruz


[The camera is stationed outside the Castle of Evil. The VW Beetle (of Evil) pulls into the driveway… or courtyard… or… whatever.]

[The car door swings open.]


[The tape is ejected… flipped over… and reinserted. ‘Play’ is pressed.]



Michelle: Alright already, we GET IT! Can you just turn the damn thing off so we can go inside already?

??? : But Michelle! This motivational tape isn’t finished yet! Without it, I’ll never stand a chance against The Great!

Michelle: … You’re not fighting The Great! You’re fighting American Panda! And as long as you act like a complete and total idiot, I really don’t think Great’s going to want to be anywhere NEAR you, inside a ring or out!

??? : But after what he said about his little midget kid having more “greatness” in the toilet, than I do in my entire body, why… I oughta kill him!

Michelle: The Great?

??? : No! His midget kid! The little rat bastard… I oughta duct tape him to a bamboo tree and have that fuckin’ Panda claw his kid-sized larynx out of his goddam gullet!!! And if the Great tries to do anything about it, why… I’ll challenge him to a match! Yeah, THAT’LL teach him!

Michelle: You’re just trying to figure out a way to hussle yourself into a match with the Great, aren’t you.

??? : … Stay out of this!

Michelle: Hey, you ARE talking to me, right?


Michelle: … Me?

??? : … Oh. Well, since you asked. No, I’m not trying to hussle myself into a match with the Great. … And on an entirely unrelated note, do you know if the Great has a match set up for October Surprise?

Michelle: Yeah… he’s in a Snore Games match.

??? : Dammit… uh… how about the iMPLOSION! after that?

Michelle: There aren’t any iMPLOSIONs after that, atleast not until MegaBrawl… I’m starting to get the impression you may have not been completely honest when you said you don’t want a match with the Great…

??? : Well, how about at MegaBrawl? Is he booked?

Michelle: AXL!!! … I mean, er, uhm, ah… “???” !!! BOB doesn’t plan one WEEK in advance, let alone an entire MONTH! What do you think my daddy is, a competent Chairman?

??? : Alright, alright…

[The tape is played once again…]

Car Stereo: – AWN, HA-RISE!!! … Are we still recording this shit? … Yes? Crap, uh… HEY! You listening! Repeat after me.

Car Stereo: I Ham.

??? : I ham…

Car Stereo: Sofa King.

??? : … sofa king?

Car Stereo: We Todd Edd.

??? : We todd edd.

Car Stereo: Now say, very fast.

??? : I ham sofa king we todd edd.

Car Stereo: Faster!

??? : I AM SO FUCKING WEE-TAHDED!!! … Wait a dang blasted minute!

Car Stereo: Heheh. You say funny thing. : ^ )

[The tape is ripped from the stereo and tossed outside.]

??? : Remind me to never buy a motivational cassette from those damn Mooninites on 34th Street…

Michelle: Check.

??? : Hey, I’ve got an idea. Seeing as how the Great’s probably still going to be acting all “holier than thou” by MegaBrawl… which is something that only I have the qualifications for… I’m going to make a challenge when I head inside. A challenge that is going to change the face of pro wrestling as we know it!

Michelle: What, are you going to challenge Mick Foley for his share of TNA? Because I think his position there might be a step below your position as leader of the Hierarchy. And that’s saying alot…

??? : Well you’re in the Hierarchy too! As my girlfriend, you’re the QUEEN of the Hierarchy! So what does that say?!

Michelle: That I need to become better at choosing boyfriends? First Trey… then Pigeon… now you… Jesus W. Christ, it’s like I’m going further and further and further down the totem pole of bad taste!

??? : Oh you hush your mouth! Friggin’… China Girl… with your egg rolls and saki… and slumber parties! And – HEY! Wait a minute! You’re not supposed to mention things like me being the leader of the Hierarchy and being your boyfriend and being the mayor of Sinister City!

Michelle: I never mentioned you being the mayor of Sinister City…

??? : You might ruin the angle! The fans still think I’m… you know who!

Michelle: …

??? : What?

Michelle: Nothin’… Hey, you wanna go make that challenge now? Or do you want to bore me to sleep with another of your rants first?

???: >: ^ (

> > > moments later < < < [The front door of the castle opens, and in comes... Viruz?] "Viruz": Ahh, it's good to be home. ... Wait, what are those quotation marks doing around my name?! [Well, it's just...] Viruz: ... Bro? "Viruz": ... Uh... Fuck. Viruz: Why are you dressed up like me? "Viruz": Uhm... er... How do you know I'M dressed up like YOU? Maybe... Maybe YOU'RE dressed up like ME, eh! You ever thought about THAT, smart guy?! Viruz: Axl, how dumb do you think I am? "Viruz": ... Is that a trick question? Viruz: Seriously, why are you dressed like me? Did they have a sale on Hayabusa costumes at the Halloween department in Wal-Mart? ... Cuz, like, I might have tah check that out... "Viruz": Er... yeah! ... ["Viruz" grabs a trash can off the floor, dumps a bunch of crap out of it, and lifts it out in front of him...] "Viruz": Trick or Treat! Viruz: ... "Viruz": Heh... uhm... No dice, huh? Viruz: Nope. Now, put that trash BACK in the trash can, and let me know just what the heck is going on. [As "Viruz" shovels the trash back into the can, he begins to speak to... uh... Viruz. ... Confused yet? I know I am...] "Viruz": Well, ya see... uh... well, the thing is... ["Viruz" looks up at Viruz, and twiddles his thumbs a bit... Suddenly, a lightbulb appears to go off inside his brain. Oh, wait, no, Michelle just came in and turned on the lamp.] Michelle: Heyyy, guys. ... Huh, I can't seem to tell the two of you apart. Well, except that one of you seems to be in shape... while the other one of you is Axl. ... Oh wait, yeah, I can tell the two of you apart. "Viruz": I am NOT Axl! Michelle: Well... maybe if both of you whipped your cocks out, it'd make things a bit easier. Because, let's face it. Axl has a baby carrot dick!!! "Viruz": I DO NOT! Michelle: HA! "Viruz": I mean... he... HE doesn't... Viruz: Heheheh. Ahh, it seems as though my evil twin has prior knowledge as it pertains to the size of Axl's schlong! "Viruz": Shut up! I'm not gay! ... And neither is Axl! ... AAARGH! Viruz: Well, I'd like to stay and chit chat, but I have to get going. I promised Pigeon I'd meet him at McGreasyton's. He LOVES their McBirdSeed. Seeya later, Axl. "Viruz": I'M NOT AX- *door slams* "Viruz": AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! Michelle: Heehee. : ^ ) "Viruz": You really think this is funny, don't you? Michelle: Oh come on now, lighten up! Jeez Axl, you've gotta be the most uptight person I know. And you call yourself "grunge"? "Viruz": For the LAST time, don't refer to me as Axl in front of the camera! I'm VIRUZ, ok?! If anyone besides you and I find out my true identity, why... there's no telling what SMP would do! Michelle: You do understand that the camera is RIGHT there, recording all of this... right? "Viruz": Well... yeah. But I'm not refering to myself as Axl! ... So... Michelle: Sure... I think this entire idea has about as much credibility as the UnFed does as a wrestling company. But anyway, I'm out. I'm going to go catch Vi and Pigeon at McGreasyton's. I just LOVE their McHogFeet! "Viruz": EWW, What?! That's... you EAT that? Michelle: Well, I sure as hell don't shove it in my vagina! ... Although... "Viruz": GROSS! Michelle... just... leave. You and that IMPOSTER have done enough damage to my brilliant and masterful plan anyway! Now run along so I may issue the greatest challenge EVER! Michelle: ... "Viruz": Dammit... she was just there a second ago... No matter. *turns to the camera* World... Allow me to introduce myself! I AM... Viruz. As many of you may already know, I am set to face American Panda at October Surprise in the first ever Bamboo on a Bamboo Pole match. Now, it WAS going to be a Fish on a Bamboo Pole match, but I was told by SMP that pandas don't eat fish. Well, how do you know that was my intention, hmm, SIL?! Did it ever occur to you that I might not be aiming for a stipulation featuring the food that pandas EAT, but a stipulation featuring the food that stupid zoo keepers FORCE pandas to eat since they don't know any better? And let's face it, pandas are REEEALLY dumb animals that would more than likely eat their own shit if it were served with tartar sauce! Pandas are SOOO dumb that if you ask them what 2 plus 2 equals, they'd probably say something really DUMB like... 4! Pandas are sooo dumb that... uh... that they're really, REALLY dumb! And at October Surprise, I have no doubt in my mind that I'll defeat that dumb ol', stupid ol' Panda Bear. "Viruz": Because he's dumb. And stupid. "Viruz": Now, if I were my brother Axl, I might be afraid of American Panda. Not because American Panda in particular is frightening. Oh no, no, no. In fact, American Panda is perhaps THE least frightening member of the entire BoB roster, if not the entire world of wrestling PERIOD! Hell, even the GobbledyGooker is more terrifying than that overgrown sack of fur! But pandas in general... there's just something about them that gives my bro the heeby jeebies. When he was young, he was scared stiff by one of the vile beasts... and that's why he's dressing up as a panda for this year's Halloween party, here at the castle. Not only will he be overcoming his fear, but he'll also be able to get out of this crappy Hayabusa costume. ... That he ALSO wears. ... When I'm not wearing it. ... Because I'm Viruz. And certainly not Axl ... ["Viruz" shifts uncomfortably for a second, wondering if the viewers at home are stupid enough to have not caught on by now...] "Viruz": I am not wondering that! Of COURSE they're stupid enough to have not caught on by now! If they weren't stupid, do you think they'd still be wasting their time reading this rant?! ... I MEAN... [Sorry, "Vi". You want me to end this before you dig yourself into a hole?] "Viruz": No... I can still salvage things. People! I am NOT Axl! No matter what you want to believe, just remember... I AM Viruz... and I WILL be at October Surprise, ready to beat the ever loving tar out of American Panda. "Viruz": And then? At MegaBrawl 2? I have the challenge to end all challenges. Because I am challenging... BRAD PITT!!! Yes, Brad Pitt, the very same man who competed in the Nowhere City Brawl last year at "November in Nowhere"! The very same MATCH in which the Great made his debut during, costing ME... er, my brother... the Only World Title That Matters! Brad Pitt... from Oklahoma! The very same place that drove out me and my brother Axl! Brad, I'm going to make you PAY for... uh... being born in Oklahoma! After I'm finished with you, you'll know better than to... admit to being born there! And something very special... very important, shall be on the line! If you win... which you WON'T... I'll remove my mask, and reveal to the entire world my true identity! And if I win... which I WON'T... ... WILL! Which I will... then I will face the Great at the very first BoB event of 2009! [Suddenly, "Vi"'s cell phone rings. He answers it.] "Viruz": Y'ello? ... Oh, Michelle, I ... oh... Sorry honey, I'll let them know right away... Bye. ["Viruz" shuts the phone and pushes it back into his pants pocket...] "Viruz": Uhm... ok, Michelle just informed me that I'm not in charge of booking, she is. So I can't just go around inserting myself into matches with people who wouldn't want to be associated with me, even if it is through handing me my ass in the middle of the ring. Well... then it's a good thing I'm Viruz, eh? Cuz, heheh, EVERY one wants to be associated with my awesomely cool brother Axl! Hell, the Great's probably DYING to step into the ring with HIM! Ya know? Right? Am I right? ... *cough* So... anyway. "Viruz": ... "Viruz": PITT!!! You! Me! MegaBrawl 2... in the first EVER Cinco Cell Slaughter! Five cages, stacked one on top of the other! If you win, the mask comes off! If I win? Uh... I get to marry Angelina Jolie! ["Vi"'s cell rings again... he answers.] "Viruz": Hello - ... [Screaming is heard on the other end... "Viruz" tries to keep the phone away from his ear, as he winces...] "Viruz": Y... Yes dear... Sorry about that... No! Of course I still love you! I... Yes dear... I'll tell him. ... Bye dear... ["Viruz" shuts the phone and places it back into his pocket...] "Viruz": Uhm... Brad, I think I'll have to renig on that challenge... atleast until I can think of some sort of prize I can win... Something that won't get my ear chewed off... "Viruz": But now, it is not time for Mega Brawl. Now it is time for October Surprise. NOW it is time for American Panda... And Panda, remember. I AM... Viruz. I AM... the hax0r extraordinaire. I AM... the l33t-ness of Execution. I AM... "Viruz": ... the infeXion... “… and the infeXion is spreading …”


“Viruz”: WAIT A DAMN MINUTE!!! Michelle said she was going to McGreasyton’s to meet with PIGEON?! That sunnuvabitch is supposed to be locked up in the dungeon! Who set that freak free?!

[Michelle walks in.]

“Viruz”: MICHELLE!!! Who let Pigeon free?! How did he get to McGreasyton’s?! TELL ME!

Michelle: Whadya mean?

“Viruz”: You know EXACTLY what I mean! You told me you left to meet Pigeon at McGreasyton’s, didn’t you?

Michelle: … Uh… Nope, don’t remember saying that. … Definitely not. You must have been day dreaming.

“Viruz”: But…

[Viruz walks in.]

Viruz: Hey yo, bro! Me and Michelle –

Michelle: AHEM.

Viruz: Whoops, excuse me. Michelle and I, just returned from McGreasyton’s.

“Viruz”: Viruz! … IMPOSTER Viruz, you remember telling me that you two went to eat lunch with Pigeon… don’t you?

Viruz: Uh…

[Michelle jabs Viruz in the side with her shoulder.]

Viruz: Ouch! I-

[Michelle stares at Vi.]

Viruz: Er… that is to say… No, no I don’t. I don’t remember that at all.

“Viruz”: … Huh. Well… alright. But I’m going to check the dungeon, just to make sure…

Viruz: NO! I mean –

Michelle: What Vi – … Well, what the “imposter” Viruz means, is that… You don’t trust us?

“Viruz”: Well… not really…

Michelle: >: ^ ( Do you want me to leave you? Is THAT it?! I thought this relationship was built on trust!

“Viruz”: What gave you that impression?

Michelle: How could you, Axl?!

“Viruz”: Well, I- HEY! I am NOT Axl! How many times do I have to tell you that! But that’s beside the point. The point is –

Michelle: The point is you don’t trust us!

“Viruz”: But… I…

Viruz: Axl… Viruz… Whatever you want to be called, you SHOULD trust me! I AM your brother after all!

“Viruz”: So… you’re Axl?

Viruz: … Sure.

“Viruz”: Haha, you’re gay!

Viruz: …

Michelle: So… you trust us now?

“Viruz”: Well… I guess. But when October Surprise rolls around, I want Pigeon out there by ringside, in his shackles, so I can keep an eye on him at all times. Well… all times that I’m not whuppin’ Panda American’s fruit booty!


“Viruz”: Yeah, you’re Axl. You don’t SAY fruit booty, you ARE one! : ^ P

“Axl”: …

“Viruz”: Now, Michelle, pop this motivational CD into the stereo. It’s the new and improved version of that old casette I got from the Mooninites. Hopefully it’s alot better…

[Michelle inserts the CD into the stereo and presses play.]

Stereo: Repeat after me. I Ham.

“Viruz”: I ham…

Stereo: Sofa King.

“Viruz”: Sofa king…

Stereo: Interesting.

“Viruz”: … interesting?

Stereo: Now say, very fast.

“Viruz”: I ham sofa king interesting.

Stereo: Faster!

“Viruz”: I AM SO FUCKING INTERESTING! … Hey, yeah, I am! I AM… so fucking interesting!

Stereo: Now listen, iMPLOSION 13 ;

Viruz: Umkay. I want to fight American Panda in a “Fish on a Bamboo Pole” match. A fish would be suspended on a bamboo pole, and the first competitor to retrieve it would win. Just thought it’d be a stupid gimmick to try and make things interesting.

SMP: Now, does the word “interesting” mean completely retarded in that brain of yours?

“Viruz”: …

Viruz: Ha! Get it! You said “I am so fucking interesting”, and to you, “interesting” obviously means “retarded”! The new and improved version must be in Axl-ese!

“Viruz”: …

Viruz: Ahh, sorry bro. Maybe you should stop trusting those Mooninites. Anyway, catch ya later. I promised I’d meet Pigeon at the bowling alley. Later.

“Viruz”: …

[Viruz heads for the door… opens it… and just as he’s about to depart, “Viruz” tears the stereo off the table, and heaves it at Viruz’s back… but the stereo ends up nailing the door, just as it’s slammed shut. The stereo busts apart, sending bits of broken plastic scattered across the floor. “Viruz” fumes with rage, and storms off, headed for his room. Michelle shakes her head, and walks toward the couch. She plops down… kicks her feet up on the table… and turns on the television.]

Television: This is Sinister City TV, the ONLY channel in Sinister City! Welcome to our 24 hour “Knitting with Bernie” marathon! Grab your needle and thread, and be prepared for the ride of your boring, mundane life! It’s Quilt-Tastic!


|ha-rise, chick-awn|

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October 13th, 2008
Comments Off on Greatest…day…ever?

Dr. Silaconne M. Plants

[Dr. Silaconne M.Plants is sitting at his desk, his feet propped up on it, at one of augmentation clinics avoiding paperwork as per usual. His phone rings.]

SMP: “Titties’ R Us”, a subsidiary of “A Girl’s Breast Friend”, this is Doctor Plants, may I help you?

[He pauses to listen.]

SMP: No, I can’t guarantee my work.

[He pauses again.]

SMP: Did I once have a patient of mine’s boobie resemble Dolph Lundgren’s haircut in Rocky IV after I, umm… augmentationed her? Total urban legend, I assure you.

[More pausing.]

SMP: You’ll pay more with them. And I HAVE gotten better, you know? Huh? That’s not a lie. Hardly no complaints for weeks.

[He listens some more.]

SMP: Listen lady, I only took this call to pass as a promo since I’m always getting clowned for not doing any. But that’s fine, if you want to go to “Fun Bags 4 Less” that’s up to you. It’s your dime. If you want to pay out the whazoo mcdaniel for a poor boob job I can do at half the price that’s totally your call.

[He holds the phone from his ear as yelling can be heard from inside it. After a few moments, he places it back to his face.]

SMP: Perfectly fine with me. I hope they fall off! *hangs up*

Nurse Heidi

[As Plants props his feet up again, and oddly grins for seemingly no reason, Nurse Heidi walks in carrying several envelopes and a wrapped package in the shape of a video cassette.]

NH: Hi Sil. Hey, what’s with you? I overheard your call. How can you be happy? I thought losing potential customers drove you nearly Benoit.

SMP: This is, without a doubt, the most wonderful day ever. On the heels of !MPLOSION! 12, I must be the happiest man alive. For one, Luke Warm, one of my on-again-off-again most bitter rivals is out of the promotion. That’s right, the Thirstiest S.O.B. in BOB is gone forever having been eaten by a panda bear, and two, I ended the career of the Gay-i-est F.A.G. in BOB the old fashioned way on the same night… by simply kicking his ass. Couple that by being the Acting VP in Charge of Everything in BOB, how could I possibly be bothered by ANYTHING remotely considered a downer?

NH: Yeah, that was sad what happened to Luke. I’m going to miss him.

SMP: Well I’m not!

NH: Are you serious? I thought you guys were friends now.

SMP: What? No way! Let me go on record as saying I have nothing to do with Luke Warm, if for no other reason than to avoid being eaten alive by association. Whose dumb idea was it to hire a panda to wrestle in BOB anyway? He could kill us all! Which reminds me, I wonder if while I’m acting VPiCoE if I can book douja for a one shot deal against American Panda. I mean, it wouldn’t be like I killed him, right?

NH: Speaking of killing people, look who’s talking, chainsaw boy. I can’t believe you did that to those jobbers. Especially poor SuperGluey. He wasn’t as sticky as everyone thought he was. *ahem* Uh-rah…*blushes* Never mind.

SMP: Hold on a minute, I didn’t do anything to those guys. If you read closely, I was clean as a whistle when I walked out of there.

NH: Whatever! I still think it was horrible.

SMP: Horrible was having those guys on the roster. Nic Flare? Pfffft! Those guys had to meet CHAINSAW MEAT HOOK SODOMY OF UNSPEAKABLE TERROR. Man, I loved those descriptions! Whoever came up with those is a pure genius! I just wish I was more hands on with that, because I wasn’t, you know?

NH: Well, what about Axl then? You’re certainly responsible for that. I mean, I know the guy was a butthole and all, but ending his career? At least he tried to compete.

SMP: He had to go. That chump was becoming Neige Fourteen! Seriously, he wanted to turn BOB into an angle fed, where we write our own matches and do our own storylines. He would have become unbeatable with that kind of stroke. He’d have pushed himself to the moon and the matches would have become very boring, like those UnFed matches. That guy was a loser, is a loser, and will always be a LOSER. I should have invited him to the chainsaw give-away! What was I thinking?

[SMP contemplates his gaffe.]

SMP: Oh well, I don’t have to worry about him anymore. Puh-lease… Angle fed? I’m glad it didn’t come to that, he’d have become the ultimate abuse of power!

NH: Really? Just him? So what’s that in front of YOU then?

[The camera zooms in on a piece of paper in front of SMP that’s titled “MEGABRAWL II MAIN EVENT.”]

SMP: Oh this? It’s nothing, nothing at all. Just a little something for somebody I plan on having a little fun with, by ummm…. “doctoring” his contract for MEGABRAWL.

NH: Mmm-hmm. You’re not doing what I think you’re doing are you?

SMP: Hey now, I’m only AVPiCoE for two weeks. Time is a factor. I have to act now while that acting’s good. They don’t call me the “Dirtiest Boobie Enhancer in Wrestling Today®” for nothing. I was the king of a land with no people once before, why not do it twice?

NH: You’re going to put your name on that contract, aren’t you?

SMP: Of course not! *looks around nervously* You’re not going to tell anybody, right?

NH: You’re despicable!

SMP: Can you say that again, but just like Daffy Duck this time?

NH: No, absolutely not. By the way, here’s your mail.

[She shoves a stack of envelopes at him. He begins sorting though the pile.]

SMP: Bill.*throws it on the floor* Bill.*throws it on the floor* Bill.*throws it on the floor* Bill. I’ll pay that one next week.*throws it on the floor* Bill.*throws it on the floor* Bill.*throws it on the floor* Bill.*throws it on the floor* Bill? What’s this? They’re charging ME for that fancy sign I wore on my chest for the !MPLOSION! 12 splash? *opens the envelope* 27 bucks?! Are you kidding me?

NH: Here’s more bad news, this one is from Steve Studnuts.

[She hands him the wrapped package.]

SMP: It looks like a video cassette.

[He opens it, sure enough, it’s a video. He reads the label.]

SMP: “Heidi’s Anatomy”? It must be a documentary or maybe a medical training seminar. Good! I could use this!


[She grabs the tape and runs off.]

SMP: What are you doing? I read Steve’s promo when he sent that like two months ago. I’ve been waiting for that! HEY! Come back!

[SMP doesn’t try to chase her. He simply sits back at his desk and props his feet up.]

SMP: Damn post office. They’re getting as slow and lazy as my handler lately.

[SMP yells at Heidi, who’s probably half way across town by now, followed by a stream of video tape from a disemboweled casette.]

SMP: If there’s any augmentation tips on there, please let me know! Oh well, I’ll see her later…

[He opens another letter and begins to read.]

SMP: Latest from MB:

Also, do you know if Dave still wants to write Nitro, or did he tell you he didn’t want be involved? He’s either not been on messanger in a while, or he’s blocked me…

It seems like every time I try to do better, I manage to screw it up. Now even Dave seems to dislike me. I guess ending my “career” with e-mail rp’s and no ooc pretty much serves me right for all the things I’ve done wrong in my past 8 years of fedding.

And trust me, I’m not being facetious. It’s just… every time I think I’m going to be able to change, it ends up lasting only a few seconds… and then everything goes back in the shitter.

I don’t think things are ever going to look up.

[SMP looks around the room, his eyes darting left and right as his cheeks balloon from the impending explosion.]


[Fade out to SMPROTFLHFAO.]

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Surprises Abound.

October 10th, 2008
Comments Off on Surprises Abound.


[Camera opens to the outside of the castle…]

[All is calm… all is peaceful.]


Michelle: *turns up stereo*

Prodigy: Smack my bitch up!

Axl: Michelle, can you lean your face closer toward my hand for a second… please?

Michelle: Errr… maybe I oughta… turn this back down…

Prodigy: Smack my bitch up!

Michelle: … or off.

> > > moments later < < < [Stuff breaks within the once calm and peaceful castle... vases... lamps... mirrors... but thankfully not the latest television set. Michelle can't afford to have Axl break too many more of those...] Axl: DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!~!!!1! MICHELLE, you're in charge of that fucking place! You're the HEAD FUCKING BOOKER!!! WHY DIDN'T YOU DO SOMETHING?! Why didn't you... Why weren't you out there, enforcing crooked stipulations and things?! DAMMIT, WHY WEREN'T YOU OUT THERE?! Michelle: Uh... I think I mighta been taking a piss. Axl: Did you put the seat back down? Michelle: Yeah. You know, I just noticed. Whenever I pee, I stand up... but when you pee, you sit down. Axl: ... Yeah? Michelle: ... Just an observation. Axl: ... Michelle: ... ANNNYWAY, I'm sorry Axl. I really am. But honestly... I have more important shit to deal with than you. Axl: ... Viruz

Viruz: BURN!!!~!!!1

Axl: Where the hell did you come from?

Viruz: Oh, I just came from the bedroom. Michelle made it in here before me. Hey, by the way, bro, you might wanna change the sheets…

Axl: Why?

Viruz: … Uh…

Michelle: … *cough*viruzhasabiggerdickthanyou*cough*


Viruz: HEYYY! I’m off! Catch’ah later guys.

Axl: But – !

*door slams*

Axl: … FUCK!

Michelle: Hey, man, enough with the cursing.

Axl: I can goddam curse if I damn well motherfuckin’ want, you stupid bitch-ass cunt slut WHORE!!!

Michelle: HEY! … Watch your mouth.

Axl: … I’M PISSED NOW!!!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

[The camera opens up to a bit later…]

[The entire castle is trashed…]

[And a bamboo stick lies in the center of it all.]

[Fade out…]

[… before fading in, once more, this time to a press conference.]

Axl: SINISTER CITY! I may no longer be with Brawlers on a Budget, but I’m DAMN sure still the mayor of this rotten, stinkin’ place! And I’m going to use my power to make a difference!

Axl: As you all know, the Sinister City zoo is infested with pandas.

Reporter: Uhm… there’s only, like, five or six of them there?

Axl: Yes. And to me? THAT’S AN INFESTATION! It’s enough to drive me nuts!

Reporter: Heh… I think the boat left the dock on that one a long, LOOONG time ago…

Axl: I heard a comment from BoB’s Mikey Styles on their most recent program. He pondered what exactly it is that I have against BoB’s new talent… American Panda. Well, the question isn’t, what do I have against American Panda… the question is, what do I have against pandas in GENERAL.

Axl: Pandas have scarred me… they’ve scarred me for life.

[There is a long pause… before all at once, everyone busts into laughter.]

Axl: WHAT?! What’s so friggin’ funny?! All of you WILL silence yourselves, or be locked in the dungeon…

[The laughter continues.]

Axl: … before being HUNG!!!

[The laughter stops.]

Reporter: Ha, I’m sure you wish some of us were hung! So you can suck on a long, hard, DI-

Axl: AS I WAS SAYING… The pandas in the zoo… WILL be hung.

Reporter: That’s horrible! You can’t do that!

Axl: CAN’T I?! Can’t I, you filthy maggot?! I AM YOUR KING! And whether BoB wishes to admit it or not, I WAS the only man on the roster able to SAVE THEM. Now… they’re without me.

Axl: And they’re without hope.

Axl: But as for American Panda and his kind… let me tell you a little tale. A tale of a young Axl… and a panda.

Axl: A vicous beast indeed.

[The camera goes all wavy-like, and before long shows a young boy, dressed in grunge clothes, and short, dirty blonde hair. Across his black shirt is the words “I AM… a spoiled brat.” Even though Axl wasn’t anywhere close to his grunge phase when he was a boy, he’s still displaying the attire in this video. The “DATE: 10 / 10 / 08” in the corner underneath the recording symbol kinda gives things away… Axl really spares no expense.]

[“Young Axl” skips toward a cage in the Nowhere, Oklahoma Zoo… where there stands a five foot tall panda… or more likely, a paid stooge in a cheap panda suit.]

Young Axl: Hey panda! Whatchoo doin’ so glum-lookin’?! You wanna be outta that darn cage, don’tcha?!

Panda: No shit, kid, ya think? No, seriously, why don’t you try bein’ stuck in a fuckin’ cage 24/7. Bitch ass kid…


[Another kid walks into the scene, this one dressed in a lime green children’s “Hayabusa” costume.]

Young Viruz: Hey bro. … Why are you crying like a bitch?


Young Viruz: Well, I just called you one too. Cuz… well, ya are. A bitch that is. … Did I mention you’re a bitch?


[Fade back to the press conference.]

Axl: So that’s the whole story.

Reporter: *snoring*

Axl: HEY!!! Sleep on your own time, you’re supposed to be LISTENING TO ME!!!

Reporter: *wakes with a start* Huh?! Oh… uh… oh, uhm…

Axl: Dammit, read the stupid script if you have to!

Reporter: Oh, right… *reads script* Er, oh yeah. So… you expect us to believe that a panda can talk?

Axl: Of course! You’ve seen American Panda talk!

Reporter: No… Not really. I don’t watch BoB. Or wrestling. Or tv… Hell, I don’t even exist outside this one rant…


Reporter: Sorry… er… Ok. Ahem… No, I haven’t seen him talk, because he has a translator, named… uh… … some kinda fucked up Jap name or somethin’.

Axl: Ugh… It’s Uginara Yoshimitsu. … Or is Ukinabi Yojimbo… Or maybe it’s Mitsubishi Toyota… Whatever his name may be, he is but a mere PUPPET! The vile panda uses the art of ventrilliquism to talk FOR the Japanese imposter! So hath the King spoken! So it be true! The panda is a cunning, and dangerous MONSTER! And that is why every damn one of these creatures MUST be put to death…

Axl: … for the good of mankind.

Reporter: Cactus Jack?

Axl: … Mankind.

Reporter: Dude Love?

Axl: MANKIND!!!~!!!1!

Reporter: No more questions.


. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

[We return to the castle, where Axl has walked back inside the living room… and just as soon as he sits on the sofa, his father, Judas Van Halen, steps inside the room.]

Axl: … Dad?

Judas: Yup. Hey son.

Axl: … What are you doing here?

Judas: Well, I was watching iMPLOSION 12, and I saw Garth Vader come on there…

Axl: … Wait, what? YOU were Garth! That CAN’T be!

Judas: Well… there’s something I should tell you son…

Axl: Yes?

Judas: I wasn’t Garth Vader.

Axl: No! That can’t be! … Wait a minute… so all of that… wait…

Judas: …

Axl: I’m lost.

Judas: Well, ya see… it wasn’t SUPPOSED to be me. I was only the last minute replacement.

Axl: So… who was it SUPPOSED to be? … Wait… I REMEMBER that segment on iMP12! It was Steve Leary!!! Garth Vader was Steve Leary!

Judas: Well, not quite… to be honest, I dunno what the fuck was up with that. But the TRUE Garth Vader… was…

Axl: … Yeah?

Judas: The Black Scorpion.

Axl: … You’re shittin’ me.

Judas: No. But, the catch is, when he unmasked, he would ACTUALLY be…

Axl: … WHO?! Spit it out, man!

Judas: You remember the UnderTaker’s Ministry?

Axl: Yeah… in the WWF?

Judas: Yup.

Axl: So?

Judas: Well, Garth Vader was actually the Black Scorpion… who in turn was actually the Higher Power!

Axl: … No way.

Judas: Yes way!

Axl: NO WAY!

Judas: Yes way.

Axl: NO. WA-

Judas: I SAID YES WAY, NOW LEAVE IT AT THAT! Fuck, dude… seriously.

Axl: So Garth Vader was the Higher Power all this time… wait… so… who was the Higher Power? … Vince McMahon?

Judas: Nope. Gary Coleman. On stilts.

Axl: … Now come on! There’s no way… … is there?

Judas: He sure was!

Axl: Wow! Man, dad… That’s some real knowledge you’re layin’ down on me. I wouldn’t have ever guessed it… Gary Coleman was Garth VADER! Wait till I tell Michelle!

Judas: … Heheh…

Axl: … Dad?

Judas: Heehee… *snort* BWAHAHAHAHA!!! I can’t BELIEVE you fell for that!

Sue (from outside) : Did he fall for it?!

Judas: He sure as shit did! Hell, it may have been a long drive, but dammit if it wasn’t worth it! Jesus Christ son, you sure are easy! Hope ya don’t fuck up the mayorship… TOO bad. Later.

Axl: … But… Dad?

*door slams*

Axl: …

[Michelle walks into the picture.]

Michelle: Hey honey!


[Axl storms out of the castle… Michelle simply shrugs her shoulders, and plops down on the sofa. She shoves a hand into her pants, kicks a foot up onto the coffee table, and chugs back on a beer.]


[Suddenly, the back door opens, and Pigeon walks in.]

Pigeon: Hey, Michelle… where’s the bathroom?

Michelle: Up the stairs, down the hall, around the corner… second door on your left. You shouldn’t miss it.

Pigeon: Cool.

[Pigeon heads for the bathroom… while Michelle continues chugging on her beer. When she finishes it, she tosses it to the floor, and lets out a huge belch…]

Michelle: Ahh, good stuff. … Wait a minute… Isn’t he supposed tah be locked up in the dungeon or something?

Michelle: …

Michelle: Aw, fuck it.


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Fiddy Dollah

October 2nd, 2008
Comments Off on Fiddy Dollah


Axl: …

Michelle: What is it?

Axl: I need fifty dollars.

Michelle: Well, sitting on your ass, watching “Sanford and Son” reruns isn’t going to help…

Axl: … Fuc-

> > > an hour later < < < Viruz

[We open to Viruz’s room, where he’s sitting, cross-legged, in his Super Mario Bros. pj’s, tapping away at his trusty laptop… his favorite possesion.]

Vi: A few more minutes, and I’ll have cracked into the U.S. voting system! I’ll be able to successfully change ALL votes for McCain and Obama… to votes for my favorite candidate ; BILL!

Vi’s Imaginary Friend, Lester : Bill Clinton’s not running. His wife tried, but…

Vi: Not Bill CLINTON! Bill GATES! Duhh~!!!1 You’re SUCH a n00b, Lester…

“Lester” : Hey, atleast I’m not the one who’s so desperate for a friend that he resorts to having an imaginary buddy well into his late 20s…

Vi: … Fuck off, Lester.

“Lester”: Yeah, yeah, that’s all you ever say… Man, you annoy me, and I don’t even EXIST…

*knock, knock*

Vi: Who’s there?

Axl: Candy gram.

Vi: Oh get in here ya jackass!

[Axl does so.]

Vi: You’ve been watching too many old SNL repeats…


Vi: *sigh* What are you doing in here? Make it quick, because I’ve got something very important to do on my laptop.

Axl: What, jack off to Jerri Li’s last rant? That video of that asian chick getting gack poured on her got you all hot and bothered, didn’t it?

Vi: NO!!! … Now, that one with the sucker, on the other hand…

Axl: Hey, lemme see your laptop real quick, I’ve gotta check my e-mail!

Vi: No! Dude – *Axl yanks the computer away* – HEY! Dammit bro, gimme it back!

Axl: Hey, what’s all this election shit for? Dude, this is lame… Meh, I’ll just exit out of this boring junk.

Vi: Wha- NO!!! You son-of-a- … JUST OPEN ANOTHER TAB!

Axl: Man, they call ME a hot head…

Vi: But I have a REASON to be pissed off! You’re ruining all that hard work I just put into getting our nation’s greatest hero elected as president!

Axl: Greatest… hero? … So you were trying to get ME elected as president?! Awww, shit, sorry dude… DAMMIT! … This is all your fault!

Vi: I- … WHAT?! MY fault?! How the hell is it MY fault?!

Axl: You shoulda known better than tah trust me with your stupid laptop! Hell, my computer’s in constant ‘safety mode’, just in case I accidentally delete the hard drive!

Vi: … You CAN’T delete the hard drive. … It’s HARDWARE.

Axl: … Well see, I didn’t even know that, how do you expect me to work this fancy shmancy thing?

Vi: *grabs the laptop back* From now on, keep your DAMN hands off my stuff, ok? Seriously… and FYI, you’re NOT this country’s greatest hero! Bill Gates is!

Axl: … Who?

Vi: … Just tell me what you came in here for.

Axl: Well, I was wondering. Do you still have some of those Wii-Station 360s lying around?

Vi: Uh… well, not here, but I know where the planes dropped them all. Not too far off from those huge heaps of E.T. games for the Atari 2600 they disposed of years and years ago…

Axl: Huh. Well then, have I got a proposition for you!

Vi: I hope it’s not another pyramid scheme…

Axl: Even better! Picture this… The RE-LAUNCH… of the X-Station Wii60!

Vi: … Welp, good luck with all that. Meanwhile, I’ll be working on my laptop…

Axl: No! I mean you and I! Together! Rebuilding the empire of the greatest system to ever exist in the history of HISTORY!

Vi: … The DreamCast?

Axl: … NO! The X-Station Wii60!!! Jesus mother fuckin’ CHRIST, get on the damn ball man!

Vi: Yeah, there’s the hothead we’ve all come to know and loathe…

Axl: You and I, the Hierarchy Brothers, putting to together a truly awesome work of art! Painting a masterpiece! You and I… giving life to the Wii60, so it may rise from the ash, and fullfill its destiny as the forerunner of the System Wars! Because a system with all three of the current generation systems’ titles combined… has GOT to be better than all three of the current generation systems combined! Or atleast better. … Or maybe worse.

Vi: Believe me, it was worse before… far worse… and it’s not going to get any less worse. It could only get worse…er.

Axl: So, you call up the people who dumped all those consoles in New Mexico or Arizona or France, or wherever that place was, and you have them start putting those things back on the shelves buster, because SOON… in about… 10 days to be exact, the second first game to come out for the Wii60 will debut!

Vi: Ugh… alright, for the simple fact that, other than screwing with the election results, I have absolutely nothing to do… I guess I’ll go along with this retarded plan. Give me a few days to design a game idea, and I’ll run it past ya, ok?

Axl: Uhm… nah, I already know what I want you to make.

Vi: … But dude, I’m the guy who MADE this system… I planned everything, and I think –

Axl: Sorry man, I really don’t have time to put any thought into this. I just need to make this thing as quick as possible, sell one copy for fifty bucks, and hand the cash over to Trey, so –

Vi: Whoa, wait a minute… Trey? … Does this have anything to do with BoB?

Axl: Uhhh… nope. Can’t say that it does…

Vi: So who’s Trey? … Say, you don’t have an imaginary friend too… do you?

Axl: … What?

Vi: SOOO, about this game… what’s your idea?

Axl: Well, I was thinking… Total Non-Stop Action Wrestling has a game, right?

Vi: They do? … What’s Total Non-Stop Action Wrestling? Is it another WWE brand? Jeez, first they destroy the legacy of ECW, and now they’re coming up with lamer sounding show titles than Sunday Morning Chloroform…

Axl: Total Non-Stop Action Wrestling is the only televised wrestling company other than WWE.

Vi: Oh… you mean they’re actually on TV?

Axl: Yeah… on Spike?

Vi: … Dudley?

Axl: NO! Argh, forget it, just think of it like this. They’re a wrestling company, and they have a game. And they’re a wrestling company that someone like you, whose entire life has consisted of nothing but wrestling and gaming, has never heard of. So seriously… how hard can it be to make a successful wrestling game?

Vi: I dunno… seeing as I’ve never heard of ’em, I’m not so sure if the game WAS successful… in fact, I’m pretty sure it’s a safe bet it wasn’t…

Axl: Well, ok, let me rephrase that. How hard can it be to sucker SOMEONE into buying atleast one copy? Maybe even a whole stack! Door stoppers are always in high demand… Higher than crappy wrestling games, anyway…

Vi: Well… ok. What kinda wrestling game ya want?

Axl: I’m thinking… TNA : iMPLOSION! .

Vi: … You said TNA already has a game out… wouldn’t you rather make a BoB game? Besides, couldn’t this “TNA” sue?

Axl: Nooo, see, this TNA is ‘Total Non-Action Wrestling’! The other TNA’s game is ‘iMPACT!’, while this game is ‘iMPLOSION!’. iMPLOSION! is BoB’s tv show on G5… dude, you know that!

Vi: Meh, I never pay much attention to what’s going on in the world around me. My life on the computer is good enough for me.

Axl: *smacks forehead* Just re-shelve the consoles, make the game, and ship those games out A.S.A.P.!

Viruz: So much for this being a “partnership”…

Axl: Hey! We’re still a team, man! I’ll be busy, sitting here at the castle, on the couch, watching “Sanford and Son” reruns!

Viruz: … But… how does that help the team?

*door slams*

Viruz: … Fuc-

> > > a day or so later < < < > > > close-up of newspaper headline :
– Local man buys crappy wrestling game for fifty dollars. Sues developer for fifty dollars. –

> > > close-up of a quote from purchaser :
“I lost five hours of my life to this game’s stupid story mode! Come on, the guy is beat up in the desert, and is forced to undergo plastic surgery, by some clod named Sillicone M. Plants. Every character you end up with has gazongas out to the moon! AND YOU CAN’T PLAY AS A CHICK! Who on God’s green Earth is gonna play a game where every guy ya play as ends up with fucked up orangutan titties?! It STINKS!”

[We find Axl holding the paper, with his fists gripping the pages… shaking with anger.]

Viruz: So… kinda sucks that was the only guy who bought the game… eh?

Axl: … FUC-

> > > several hours later < < < [Vi returns to the house, after being dressed up as American Panda, and "beaten up" by his brother. He holds an ice pack to his forehead walking into the house... But as soon as he's out of Axl's sight and sound, Vi quits the act, and drops the ice into a cup... pouring himself a glass of beer. He chugs it down in about three seconds flat, before heading into his bedroom.] Vi: Thank God I saved that copy of the instructions to hack into the voting system... I might be able to finish my work after all... Vi: Hold on... where's my damn laptop??? [Vi looks throughout the room, but finds no trace of the computer... finally, Axl steps into the room. Vi stares at him... And as he sees a crisp fifty dollar bill in Axl's hand, it dawns on him.] Vi: YOU BASTARD! Axl: Huh? Dude, chill-ax! Don't have a cow, bro. Vi: You... you... AGGHH!! You SOLD my laptop! For fifty dollars!!! Axl: ... *looks down at the fifty dollar bill in his hand* Ohhh, this? Uhhh... yeah... yeah, I guess I did. But, DUDE, when I kick Trey's ass and take that beer back? And then, when I cash that sucker in, and take what's always rightfully belonged to me?! Why... we'll be rolling in loot! You'll be able to buy, like, TWO laptops! Vi: ... Axl... get out. Axl: But - Vi: GET OUT! Get out... get out... GET!!! OUT!!! NOW!!!!!!!!~!!!11 Axl: I - [Viruz grabs something from off the nightstand... and swiftly tosses it toward Axl, who wisely shuts the door before the object manages to connect with him. Instead, it connects with the door... It's a framed picture... the frame of which shatters, sending glass and cardboard across the room. Vi rushes over to the photo, as it floats gently to the floor... As it lands, Viruz picks it up, and stares at the front...] [A picture of Axl, Viruz, and their parents... with Axl resting an arm over his brother's shoulder, and the two of them lifting the "devil horns" hand gesture. Vi stares at the picture in his hands for several seconds...] [... before tearing the picture to shreds, and allowing the bits of paper to join the scattered glass and cardboard.] Vi: Maybe Pigeon was right... |cut|

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Axl 3:16 – part two.

September 20th, 2008
Comments Off on Axl 3:16 – part two.



Viruz: Oh God, not again…

[Axl boots Vi, dressed in the Luke Warm costume he was told to purchase, and then drops the rip off of a rip off with a sloppy Stonecutter. Even sloppier than the real thing.]


[Vi flies through the air, before slamming back first in the middle of a makeshift ring in the castle’s “courtyard”. Axl begins to stomp Vi down, as his brother yelps in pain.]

Axl: Had enough?

Vi: YES! Stop it for the love ah pete!

Axl: Alright, alright.

[Axl stops, and helps Vi up. Vi holds his gut with one hand and his neck with another, as Axl pats him on the back.]

Axl: Alright, go take a rest. You deserve it. … After the ASS kicking I just handed you, bwahahahahahahahahaha!!!

Vi: …

[Viruz heads into the castle. As he does, he passes Michelle.]

Michelle: It didn’t really hurt, did it.

Vi: Nah, but ya gotta give a dog a bone every once in a while.

Michelle: Aren’t you the nice one. Ya ever think about –

[Michelle whispers into Vi’s ear, as he begins to smile.]

Vi: Heheh… mmm, ya know, you’re one tempting little dish, Michelle.

[Vi looks into Michelle’s eyes… and the two begin to lean in closer… and closer… when – ]

Axl: Hey you two, what’s crack-a-lackin’!

[Axl claps Viruz on the shoulder, and Vi and Michelle look a bit uncomfortable.]

Michelle: Heyyy… I’ll be inside, you two have fun.

Vi: But – !

*door slams*

Vi: …

Axl: So, bro. How’d you enjoy having a few mudpies stomped into ya?

Vi: It’s mud HOLES, Axl. Mud – … Forget it. Hey, why don’t you cut a promo out here, and I’ll go screw your chick.

Axl: What?!

Vi: I said I’ll go inside and cook dinner, geez, you need to get your ears checked…

Axl: Huh… Sounded like you said –

*door slams*

Axl: … Aw well. [looks into the camera] Luke! I am your father! HAHAHA! Ahh, I crack me up… But seriously.

Axl: You used to be a legend here, Luke. An icon. A… really important dude. Now? You’re NOTHIN’. Nada, zip, zilch, not a single damn thing! And what am I? The biggest fuckin’ thing this sorry excuse for a company has to offer, and yet, I’m pullin’ the curtain, opening up the card by beating the crap out of your sorry, pathetic, worthless, dried up, has been ASS. But… it’s ok. Because I know, deep down within the confines of my cold, black, eeevil heart, that I WILL, soon, be back as a main-eventer!

[Wait… you were a main eventer?]

Axl: YES! I main evented… a couple of times.

[As in two? Or less?]

Axl: ATLEAST two! But regardless of how many times I’ve main evented on tv or ppv, I am absolutely destined to become a main eventer… and the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS!!! And I’m not going to let anyone stand in my way of accomplishing that goal, whether it be some bald-headed bumbledink HICK, such as Luke Warm, or even some euceleptis leaf munchin’ PANDA, such as American… uh… PANDA… !!!

Axl: Why?

Axl: Because I am… The Savior. I Am… The King. And I AM –

[Suddenly, the cameraman dozes off to sleep, due to intense boredom, causing the camera to crash to the ground, and go to – ]


Axl: Note to self… bribe the Great’s son Little Johnny into creating a robot camera man. I wonder if he could use any more plutonium…


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September 18th, 2008
Comments Off on queer_eye.222


[We open upon the production area of Sinister Stadium. Inside the arena, a football game is occuring between the Sinister City Scumbuckets and the Middle of Nowhere Nosepickers. But here in the production area, a figure lurks in the shadow… an eeevil figure… with a two-way headset. Yes, an eeevil, technologically minded figure, with a ravishingly handsome figure, and – ]

[Will you stop that?]


[You know what you doing.]

[… All your base are belong to us. :p]

[That was a typo. I meant to say, you know what you’re doing… Viruz.]

[Hey, I just thought, seeing as you brought me into the narrative position at Running On Empty, that I’d give it another whirl. Aren’t I l33t?]

[Whatever the fuck THAT means… Just get back to the script! Christ, you’re almost as bad as your brother…]

[Atleast I don’t have a baby carrot dick!]

[Yup, I’m sure it’s about as big as a string bean. ;D]

[Hey! Mine looks like a baby’s arm holding an apple, FYI!]

[Would that be a baby gerbil or a baby rabbit? ;D]


[Aww, just get back to the damn production station, I can already tell this thing is gonna go over six pages…]

Viruz: Fine!

Production Crew Member: Hey, who let you in?! This area is for staff only!

Viruz: I… I am a member of the staff!

PCM: … You are?

Viruz: … Yup.

PCM: … Oh. Well, cool then. Alright guys, he’s cool.

[Suddenly, much of the machinery in the station begins to shift around, switching into craps tables, roulette wheels, stripper poles (complete with skanky looking strippers) and a complete bar. The crew members return, with alcohol, cigerettes, drugs, and plenty of snacks.]

Viruz: Wow… THIS is what a production station is like?

PCM: You’re new here, aren’t ya? Yup, this is pretty much it. Boring, ain’t it?

Viruz: … Uh…

PCM: I’d much rather be doing work, but the commotion’s so loud in here that it makes it hard to pay attention to one’s job. I mean, someone could pretty much just slip any sort of video into this video player I’m pointing at, and BINGO! , the big screen in the arena could play something like a porno, or a really crappy Pauly Shore movie, instead of the scores and advertisements it’s set up to show.

Viruz: Huh…

PCM: I mean, if I were to be distracted, and then one of my crew mates were to try and notify me, I probably couldn’t hear ’em. The loud rock music in here would be waaay too… uh… loud. And musical. Know what I mean?

Viruz: I think I follow… Hey, could you look over in that general direction for about two or three minutes, however long it takes me to pop this video in the player while you’re distracted.

PCM: Hm… you wouldn’t try to do anything fishy, would ya?

Viruz: Nahhh, of course not. Maybe.

PCM: Mmkay.

[The production crew member turns his attention to nothing in particular, while Viruz slips in a video. He then speaks into his headset.]

Viruz: Alrighty Axl, the eagle has landed.


Axl: *on the other end* … What?

Viruz: The cowboy has mosied into town!

Axl: Dammit bro, cut the double talk!

Viruz: Ugh! I put the fuckin’ tape in, capice?!

Axl: Ohhh, ok!

[While Axl and Viruz speak over the headset, the big screen in the stadium begins to cut and fill with static… the scoreboard dissapears, and the video begins to run. A field of lime green numbers and letters is seen…]

Viruz: Are you ready?

Axl: To suck it?

Viruz: … To do what you planned! Goddam, man, seriously, you need to get your eye on the ball…

Axl: Alright, alright. Put the tape in.

Viruz: … I ALREADY DID!!! Crimeny!

PCM: Hey, are you talking to someone on the headset?

Viruz: Uh… no.

PCM: Yeah you were!

Viruz: Uh… I’m ordering a pizza.

PCM: … Oh. Hey, could you order an Italian Sausage for me, I’ll give you ten bucks!

Viruz: … Sure?

PCM: Cool! Here ya go!

[The crew member hands Viruz the ten dollar bill. Vi stares at it… looks off to the side with a “how dumb can this guy be” expression, before pocketing the cash.]

Viruz: Uhm… hey, if you keep looking over there, I’ll let you give me more money.

PCM: Really?! Awesome!

[The crew member returns to staring at nothing nothing in particular.]

Viruz: …

[Back in the stadium, the fans have their attention on the screen, as do both football teams and their captains… as well as the hot dog vendors, the cotton candy vendors, the soda pop vendors… Everyone has their eyes on the screen, which is now dwindling down to but a few letters…]

Axl: Viruz! You’re going to have to press a button to get this platform to rise.

Viruz: Uh… ok. Lemme see here… maybe it’s this one.

Axl: Hey! Not that one! Water just started to pour in down here… that’s weird…

Viruz: How about this one…

Axl: DAMMIT VI! Stop kiddin’ around! Now the walls seem to be closing… that couldn’t be…

Viruz: Here it is!

[Viruz presses the button, and Axl, now surrounded by water, and close to being compacted, begins to rise up. Unfortunately, due to the closing walls, the platform’s jammed.]

Axl: The platform’s jammed!

Viruz: Yeah, I heard the narrator!

Axl: What am I supposed to do?!

Viruz: Uh… swim!

Axl: … Fuck… I don’t know how to swim!

Viruz: … Heheheh…


Viruz: Heh… er, sorry. Ok… Uhm, don’t panic. Uh… I know! There’s this button here that reads “In case of platform area being submerged in water, with the walls closing, the platform being stuck, and you not knowing how to swim, PRESS THIS”. Should I press it?

Axl: Is that EVEN a question?! YES!!!

Viruz: Sheesh! Don’t have a cow man…

Axl: I’m about to die here! I’ll have a cow if I damn well please!

Viruz: Fine…

[Viruz presses the button… and a cow drops into the water… a cow in an inner tube. The cow drifts down the water… Axl reluctantly grabs on, and the cow floats back to the surface. Axl crawls out of the opening.]

Jay Sherman: Hold it, hold IT!

[Huh? Who the hell are you?]

Jay Sherman: I am… the CRITIC!

[… Ok?]

Jay Sherman: And I ask you, kind sir, how on EARTH can a cow float? With an inner tube?! BAH! Bah, I say! And moreso, why would a section of an arena house such a platform facility as that which the main character was standing within? With streaming water, compacting walls, AND the aforementioned floating cow?! PROPOSTEROUS! And furthermore!

[Oh, shut up!]

Jay Sherman: YOU STINK!!!

[Well, I haven’t taken a shower in a millenium, so… Anyway, Axl crawls out of the opening, looking like a drowned rat. Not exactly the grand entrance he’d planned. Nevertheless, he stands, and throws his arms in the air, as the football fans… begin to laugh. Well, he IS soaked, but it couldn’t be THAT funny…]

Sinister City Fan: There’s our mayor!

[Axl smiles smugly to himself.]

Sinister City Fan: Hey MAYOR! How’s it like tah be a QUEER!

[Axl… doesn’t smile so much.]

Middle of Nowhere Fan: Didn’t he use to live in Nowhere? Wasn’t he OUR mayor?!

Another Middle of Nowhere Fan: Yeah, but then he moved HERE! And I’m glad we got rid ah the QUEER!

Axl: … The hell?

[Axl turns around, to look up at the big screen… The lime green wall of digits have come down to ten letters, which spell out “Axl is queer”, with the mayor’s smiling face.]

Axl: FUCK!

Viruz: What is it now?

Axl: VIRUZ!!! Did I NOT tell you to have the words spell out “Axl is here”?!

Viruz: I dunno, I was too busy banging Michelle.

Axl: WHAT?!

Viruz: Er, I mean, yeah, I’m pretty sure you did… why, isn’t that what’s up there?

Axl: NO! And I’m pretty sure you know that! It says Axl is QUEER!

Viruz: BWAHAHAHA, ohhh, sweet dude!

Axl: NO! Not sweet, DEFINITELY not sweet!!! You bastard, you’re THIS close from me disowning you as a brother!

Viruz: … Really?

Axl: … This was SUPPOSED to be my way of showing the world that Luke Warm’s shitty “viral” videos were NOTHING compared to the masterpiece that I’m able to create –

Viruz: Well, actually, you had me do all the work… but whatever.

Axl: – But now?! It’s all ruined, and it’s all thanks to you! You’re making me SO ticked, Viruz!

Viruz: Sorry man, honest, I didn’t mean for that message to show up.

Sinister City Fan: Hey, everybody, let’s throw rotten vegetables at the mayor!

Axl: Ah shit…

[Axl scampers for the exit, as rotten produce begins to rain down upon him. As he runs, he shouts into the headset…]

Axl: VIRUZ! Get out of that damn production station, and head for the VW Beetle of Evil. These bastards are ruining my nice new torn up clothes! I spent good money to buy clothes this grungy! And Vi… you’re going to pay for not only a brand new set of clothes, but you’ll also pay for screwing up my video! When we get home, I’m going to practice for my match with that bald-headed assclown! When you buy my new outfit, remember to buy one of those cheap Luke Warm masks. Like this ;

Luke Warm Mask

Axl: Throw on a black vest, some jean shorts, and a knee brace, and get ready to have a few mud pies stomped into your sorry, melee mouthed, sumbitchin’ ass!

Viruz: …

Axl: … Vi?

[Sorry to burst your bubble, but your brother left for the car a long, looong time ago.]

Axl: … Dammit. Maybe I should starting cutting my speeches by… ten or twenty minutes. Aw well…

[Axl leaves the arena, hops into the car with Vi, and the two speed off into the city. Or “Kingdom”. Or whatever Axl wants to call it next…]


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