New Boards, but same old Sam

February 15th, 2009
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Sam, Sam the Dancing Yam

[As we fade up to yet another rant from eWmania’s Champion of Champions, Sam, Sam The Dancing Yam, we can’t help but wonder what life will be the same now that for some silly reason they’ve changed boards.]

SSTDY – I got lost on the way over. Ended up on a website for single people. I’ve got 73 hits so far on my page. Having had this made offers for dates since I told all the female yams I was going to be on TV. Or at least on internet TV anyways.

[But here we are the new boards. What are we going to do now Sammy boy?]

SSTDY – First of all never call me Sammy boy ever again otherwise you can forget about those cases of Yam Juice[SUP]tm[/SUM] that I owe you, and two like always I have absolutely no idea what I’m going to do next. Will I reign undisputed and undefeated as eWmania champion? I hope so. Will I clime the ranks of BOB and win the OWTTM? Hell yes. Will I join another company and spread the word of Yams everywhere? We shall wait and see, Mr. Judy in the Sky with Diamonds. Fate is an unknown factor so we shall just have to wait and see what happens next.

[That’s the longest I’ve ever heard you speak at one time Sam, are you on something?]

SSTDY – Well, you actually let me complete my script instead of ad-libbing which allowed me to speak my entire written promo thingee for this segment so all is well in the land of Yam.

[And with that being said I must now depart for another reality so until I have a match to roleplay for or I have to much time on my hands and decide to write another one, good day sirs and other peoples.]

rant

Bottom Of The Barrel

February 15th, 2009
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Scatman

[Scatman is at a house show… seems they only run every so often and just for rants.]

Scatman: I have something to say! Jerri has been turning me on so much lately… maybe it’s because I’m sick in the head but her matches lately have been sloshing around in my head like a fine brandy in a glass made of poo. So I went out and got myself an asian girlfriend… and here she is!

[He holds up a photograph and the camera zooms in.]

Asian girlfriend

Scatman: She doesn’t talk, she doesn’t move, she’s made of latex… ladies and gentlemen this girl is going for only $6000 and every last of mine and St. Christian’s paychecks over the past 6 months… and all of Tentacle Beast’s money he hadn’t already spent on lotion and LSD… and I managed to buy myself a girlfriend. She lets me rub poo on her tits and I even made her asshole bigger with a pair of scissors. You may be speechless in disgust and horror, but she’s real flesh and bone to me and Goddamnit that’s all that matters!

[The fans start throwing beer glasses filled with piss at the ring but Scatman doesn’t even flinch.]

Scatman: You too fans can spread your faeces on a mannequin and thank Scatman for your swamp of love!

[His music hits and Mexican immigrant security guards escort him out of the building.]

rant

Winner. Winner. Kobe likes fried chicken for dinner?

February 11th, 2009
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The Great

(The Great walks in to Little Johnny’s room as Johnny frantically tries to reboot Cyborg Angelina X. Not like that, you sick, perverted perverts! Get your mind of the gutter! Johnny’s in kindergarten for crying out loud! Shame on you! Shame on you all! Ummmmmmmm.
Yeah.)

The Great: Johnny? What are you doing?

Little Johnny: Obviously rebooting my cyborb in a totally non sexual manner, does it appear otherwise? Your simpleton sidekick, Peter Trable, corrupted her data base with a Toothlesspac Shakur rap that would make even Biz Markie sound coherent.

The Great: Let The Great listen to it.

Little Johnny: No! I will be punished for its vulgarity and innuendo!

The Great: Nonsense, Pete made the rap, how could The Great punish you?

Little Johnny: Okay then, you asked for it.

(Johnny points a remote at the robot, its t.v. screen head comes to life, its accordion tube arms swing in the air like they just don’t care, and just when you think DANGER WILL ROBINSON will blurt out, you hear something worse.)

http://tts.imtranslator.net/39gx

(The Great looks slightly amused.)

The Great: That wasn’t so bad. The Great somewhat enjoyed that.

Little Johnny: That’s the clean part, Father. The Wal-Mart shelf version. The specialty store hardcore, get your parent’s permission to purchase portion in forthcoming. You’ve been warned. I’m completely awash of co-conspiracy, correct?

The Great: The Great guesses so.

(Little Johnny gulps and points the remote again at the robot.)

http://tts.imtranslator.net/39ie

(The Great looks around nervously.)

http://tts.imtranslator.net/39iu

The Great: Umm, that’s probably good. Turn it off.

http://tts.imtranslator.net/39jJ

The Great: Son? Can you turn it off?

(Johnny uses the remote to lower the volume.)

Little Johnny: That’s precisely what I was going to inform you about, Father. Pete locked in the digital voice simulator with an intricate pattern of passwords and trigonometry. I can’t break the code, and I’m still alarmed at the fact I used Pete and trigonometry in the same sentence. He must have accidently created a near impervious protection device on the voice emit. Give me a day or two.

The Great: Fine, just keep the volume down so your mother doesn’t hear it. She’ll ground all of us!

Little Johnny: I don’t sweat the Breeder. Besides, isn’t it on a shopping spree with other greedy spouses?

The Great: Of course.

Little Johnny: I have two days then. At the minimum.

The Great: Do the best you can. The Great can’t afford being kept home with this GYANT encounter on the horizon. The Great, as is Kobe Gyant, is on the threshold of huge things in 2009. The Great and Kobe Gyant are the true future of BOB. Not the current champion who’s rumored to be going to surround himself with a bunch of old STWF guys and putting together some half assed ‘Feature Match Mafia’, not the panda bear, not the wizard guy, nor the chick with the metal on her face or the guy covered in feces, and certainly not the dude that lamely sends his promos in via third party email. No. It’s The Great. It’s Kobe. The Great will give the man his due, he’s very talented and very dangerous. He’s on the rise. But so is The Great. The winner of this match will get the inside track on being the leader of the new BOB. The Headliner of Tomorrow. The Next Big Thing.

Little Johnny: Umm. Wasn’t that Brock Lesnar?

The Great: Is Brock Lesnar in BOB?

Little Johnny: No.

The Great: Then no, it’s not Brock Lesnar. Although The Great heard John Cena was coming to the Brawler’s on a Budget.

Little Johnny: I figured Lesnar would eventually show , he’s been everywhere else it seems. Maybe Kimbo Slice? He’s certainly lost some luster after he got KTFOed. BOB would be a nice fit.

The Great: Did you just say KTFOed?

Little Johnny: Yes. So?

The Great: Since when was it okay for you to swear, even if in letter form?

Little Johnny: Gah? Huh? Oh wait, wait does it mean? I do not know, I’m only in kindergarten, remember. Look at me! I’m five years old!

The Great: Nice try. You’re grounded.

Little Johnny: Okay, I’ll tell the Breeder that you made Pete Trable program my robot to speak like Chuck D and see if you get to iMPLOSION! 16 mister.

The Great: Alright, ALRIGHT! You’re ungrounded.

(The Great then turns to the camera)

The Great: Kobe. It’s game time. The Great doesn’t condone Pete’s silent auction purchase, The Great likes to earn what The Great gets. The Great is going to pretend that you are the tag-team champions and what stands between The Great and GREATNESS in the Brawler’s on a Budget. It’s a new attitude era, and you are The Rock and The Great is Stone Cold. The Great may even pull out a Stunner 03. The Great will see you soon. Son.

(The cyborg Angelina X passes by the camera one last time.)

http://tts.imtranslator.net/39lH

rant

Winner, Winner, Stuck It In ‘Er!

February 10th, 2009
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Kobe Gyant

It IS 24 hours (or so) before the big show in Sin City, Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION 16! It is set to feature one of the biggest one on one matches in the history of our sport in the form of Kobe Gyant versus The Great. Oh yeah! Last second RPing bitches! 😉 To give this match the big main event fight feel it deserves, Kobe Gyant has assembled various wrestling bloggers (who by definition have no lives) to answer any and all questions about the life of Kobe Gyant. Flash bulbs flash for no conceivable reason, and the reporters rub their crotches in anticipation of the arrival of the most over black man (without the last name Obama) in the country. Finally, a side door in the ballroom opens, and every fanboy orgasms in unison as Kobe Gyant steps out. Kobe takes a bow as he emerges and various bloggers put things on their laps to hide their wet mark-out stains. Kobe heads to the podium, flanked by a posse of dudes in Los Santos purple and gold basketball jerseys. Since Kobe has never actually done a press conference before, he just stands there for several seconds waiting for people to ask questions. Nobody does. So Kobe points at a huge man wearing an “I Beat Anorexia” T-shirt.

<--I Beat Anorexia Guy-->

Kobe! You’re not in your home town, expectations are low, but your fans are all expecting.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Yo, is that some kind of crack about all my fans being pregnant white women that I’ve impregnated? What language are you speaking? You aren’t very articulate for a fat dude with a blog.

<--I Beat Anorexia Guy-->

Uhm…it’s been 18 months since you’ve held any championship gold.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

It is? I thought I started here in July?

<--Kobe Gyant's Posse-->

Yeah!

<--I Beat Anorexia Guy-->

The pressure’s gotta be on. How do you feel just one day before the biggest night of your career.

Kobe laughs for two minutes straight. Everyone else laughs nervously, then joins in until the room is filled with laughter. Then, Kobe suddenly stops laughing, and everyone follows his lead.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

First, to correct you, it’s the night before the biggest night of my career. And how do I feel? Not very good, you know. I was lifting weights this morning and got sick to my stomach. I figured it was some kind of karmic punishment or something for all the white bitches I’ve made pregnant, my own kind of morning sickness. But no. Turns out I have a slight case of food poisoning. Ate some bad shrimp last night. But I can still score a record amount of points no matter where I’m playin’, you know. But Kobe Gyant don’t lay down for some dude named Sal Monilla, and he sure don’t lay down for some white Keanu Reeves lookin’ dude.

<--Kobe Gyant's Posse-->

Wyld Stallyns! Woof!

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Look, this is the BOB. Tomorrow night is one of the biggest TV shows of the year. Pressure? I’m Kobe Gyant, son! I’m the greatest high school basketball star turned wrestler in the history of the game. And oh, I got game, son! Everyone dreams of having five-star matches. But I dream of six-star matches. I’m messing up your world, bloggers! The Great can bring Angelina X, and I hope he does. Then she’ll be within fingertips reach. So close I can smell her. All The Great needs to know is that he ain’t gonna win this match via no silent auction. The Gyant cannot be bought! I’m a dollar menunaire, son! Tell The Great to prepare for the Great Depression of ’09, and I ain’t talkin’ about the economy, son.

A white lady who looks like Sarah Palin stands up.

<--Kobe Gyant's Posse-->

MILF!

<--MILF-->

As you may know, The Great has created quite a following since his start in BOB. A lot of people believe The Great is headed for a main event push in 2009. Do you think The Great deserves the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS?

Kobe quickly nods.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Not as much as I do. Look, The Great is no doubt talented

<--Kobe Gyant's Posse-->

Theodore Logan! Woof!

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Black is the new black. Michelle is a smart lady. The Great and myself are both young and hungry for gold. The only difference is I won’t have some wigger buy me my gold belt when it’s my time, son!

<--Kobe Gyant's Posse-->

Ooooooooooh!

<--Kobe Gyant-->

But you better remember that The Great, just like A-Rod, needed a little help from his performance-enhancing friends to get where he’s at today, you know. I’ll hit every move on him, I’ll hit him with his urine test, I’ll hit him with a Congressional investigation, whatever it takes. If the Sin City fans think I’m gonna lose, then their sorely mistaken. I’m talking pink sock sore, yo!

Kobe Gyant smiles as Not Keith stands up.

<--Kobe Gyant's Posse-->

Schmuck!

<--Not Keith-->

So, apparently you’re in a “feud” with Axl, but one wouldn’t know it with the horrid way this promotion is booked. My question, sir, is how was the dinner with Tifa? And a follow-up…aren’t “wrestlers” who do “press conferences” for RPs usually really, really, REALLY, really untalented and just stroking their own ego for 1,000 words or so?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Wow.

<--Kobe Gyant Posse Member #1-->

Can I shoot that mother*BLEEP*

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Cool it, man! Yo. Here’s how it is. The title of this Rant says it all about Tifa and myself. Plus it was cleaner than “Chicken, Chicken, Stuck My *BEEP* In,” you know. You want to know what I did to her? Stick a red hot poker up your own rectum, I’m sure you’ve done it plenty of times, and then sniff it. That’s how most of my fingers and my black python smelled by the time we were through. Yo. As for your crack about that press conference, whatever. When you gonna update your site, boy? Huh? The only dude who had any talent there was Ted, and he works for BOB now. What you do, huh? You can’t even afford to update a site on geocities? Psssh. Now that, my marks, is a loser. Why don’t you go back to your basement and dream of Axl givin’ you a Cleveland steamer while I’m doing things to Tifa that you can only dream about.

Keith holds his hand up once more for a follow up question.

<--Not Keith-->

For the record, I’ve been watching 24, Scrubs, and Lost in addition to wrestling. And B-movies! I will blog agayne!!

<--Kobe Gyant's Posse-->

Huge schmuck!

Everyone laughs at Not Keith.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

In closing…Love goo on bitches, and fully shaved Britons
Shoving in Kobe Jr. anywhere he will fit in
Spread young girls who don’t hail from Beijing
These are a few of my favorite things

The fourth PlayStation from Sony and my dark chocolate streudel
Any blonde white bitch who walks around with a poodle
Banging a girl while listening to Martin Luther King
These are a few of my favorite things

Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes
Busting a nut on their nose and eyelashes
Beatin’ The Great and Axl in the middle of my ring!
These are a few of my favorite things.

I told y’all I watched that movie 70 times.

Gyant smiles, does a simultaneous wink (or blinks) just for that MILF, stands up for those with the benefit of flash photography, adjusts Kobe Jr., and leaves.

rant

Bunny Booty

February 10th, 2009
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Sam, Sam the Dancing Yam

[Sam, Sam The Dancing Yam after using WWYN (World Wide Yam Networktm the Yam’s internet) and surfing the Brawlers on a Budget website discovers the existance of the one known as Hamster Girl]

SSTDY – So I am not the only genetically modified personage in extistance in BOB? Say it ain’t so Voice in My Head.

[It ain’t so????]

SSTDY – That didn’t sound convincing.

[Wasn’t supposed to be. It’s the truth. There is a lass in Brawlers on a Budget called Hamster Girl.]

SSTDY – She looks hot!

[Yes, yes she does. Maybe you should ask her out sometime.]

SSTDY – Maybe I should…..

[We have I started? Fade to black….]

rant

Too Much Bubblegum!!

February 10th, 2009
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Hamster Girl

[Cotton candy, sugar, fireworks, pizza, ice cream, rollercoasters and skateboarding. It was all a haze of candy fueled insanity that had finally come to an end. Hamster Girl was sat on the floor, leaning against the wall of a disco.]

Hamster Girl: I am soooooo hung over.

[Empty packets of ice cream sandwiches and soda bottles lay around her. Hamster Girl holds her head in pain.]

Hamster Girl: Why did I have to have so many pixie sticks?

[Clive clears his throat a little, trying to get Hamster Girl to hurry up. She looks up into the camera, her eyes bloodshot solid and her lips dryer than a camel’s hump. She holds her tummy as it makes funny noises.]

Hamster Girl: Now that Indigo has left BOB, what a jobber, I’m left all alone. And to start making a name for myself I am going to try and get in that hardcore match at Bearly Legal. Hopefully it wont be too hardcore, but I suppose I have to toughen up some day.

[She tries to stand up but falls flat on her tushy.]

Hamster Girl: Clive! Help me up!

[Static.]

rant

Never submit to the Yam

February 9th, 2009
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Sam, Sam the Dancing Yam

[Amazing! Spectacular! Absolute Fluke! Some of the words used to describe Sam Sam The Dancing Yam’s victory over eWmania Champion Jive. He now returns to BOB to make a choice. A great choice even. Can he possibly take on the that scurge of the seven wrestlers Kid Pirate for the Swiss Army belt and jack knife himself into being a double championship ranking or if possible take on the title with the longest name in the history of professional parody wrestling.

[Will Sam become the first man in history to hold two Championship belts at the same time in the same place and make some hot Venusian Love Making with Kay Fabe afterwould. Or at least he hopes so when the check from eWmania comes through and he can actually pay for it!]

SSTDY – I heard that!

[Shut up you! You’ve just ruined the dramatic styling that I was flowing with.]

SSTDY – That was about as dramatic as Varga trying to read shakespare.]

[Good point. But I was trying to build you up butter cup.]

SSTDY – Thanks anyways.

[The Dancing Yam is trying to decided on which title he would want to go for. But he’s to busy drinking his Yam Juicetm, but he’s towards the title with the long name mainly ’cause it looks like the most fun. But if he will fight Kid Pirate and his silly pirates will happy do so.]

rant

The Serpent’s Egg

February 8th, 2009
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Tia Tarr

[Open to a bleak countryside, littered with barren trees and pools of muddy water large enough to fit whales in them. The camera pans backwards to reveal we were actually looking through a window. A man stands, looking out through the glass as he smokes a cigarette. He steps backwards and turns with the camera, he is in an ethnic bar filled with drunkards singing about the motherland. The man walks across to a table, where Tia Tar is resting her head on the wooden surface staring at half empty (or half full, depending on your outlook) glasses of beer. The man sits down next to her husband, Rudolph, and slides his glass along the table to himself. His name is George Banionis, a fellow Armenian immigrant and Tia’s new agent.]

George: First of all, allow me to welcome you both to America. No doubt you will become heroes to the Armenian people… but you have to understand something. All stories about heroes and heroines end in the same fashion. You have come seeking the American dream, a land that offers hope to foreigners like us. But all stories like this end in disintegration. If it didn’t it wouldn’t be a story of disintegration but a story of resurrection, and this isn’t a story about resurrection but a story about disintegration. The heroes and heroines work with a great amount of hope held in their hearts, they toil and trouble to make their dreams come to fruition… but it is all for nothing as they slowly find themselves disintegrating.

Rudolph: What the hell are you talking about?

George: Disintegration.

Rudolph: I got the disintegration part.

George: This is a nice romantic story with you two, a journey to America clad in furs and shiny boots of leather. But as the Armenian mud washes away, and you find yourselves having to buy sunglasses to shield your maladjusted eyes to the sun of the new world, you will find that it wasn’t gold that paved your path to fame and glory, but a spiral staircase made of splintered wood that brings you back to where you began. You find yourselves disintegrating into what you feared the most… disintegration.

Tia: This guy’s giving me a headache.

[She picks a pickle up off her plate and bites a morsel off with a crunch.]

Rudolph: Have you finalized Tia’s contract with BOB though?

George: Yes. They seem very impressed with the skills she garnered from her years in the circus.

Tia: Cool.

George: It doesn’t hurt that she’s hot either.

Rudolph: That’s my wife you’re talking about!

George: Sorry, it was only meant as a compliment.

Tia: I love working for BOB. I remember when I was in elementary school, there was this guy who was always making fun of my pet dog Sascha. He would spit on it, say horrible words to it and pull chunks of it’s hair out. I tried to stand up for him but he would just knock me on my ass. It was that guy that made me want to learn how to fight back so I could kick his ass.

Rudolph: I know how this story ends.

George: What happened?

Rudolph: Well, he had a dog also, a bigger dog. She took a piece of rope and strangled the damn thing to death.

Tia: Hey, I was like 8 years old.

Rudolph: Then she dragged it’s body all the way to a concrete dam and threw it’s body into the water.

George: Jesus Christ.

Tia: I remember looking down just as it hit the water and I started to feel bad about what I did. But when I saw that guy again, and he started picking on my dog again, the reasons all came flooding back. That’s when I told him what I did. And just as he starts to cry, mourning the loss of his stupid mutt, that’s when I sicked Sascha on him. He was probably never able to have kids after that.

Rudolph: And thus the legacy of violence began.

rant

Tag with the booby man

February 5th, 2009
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Tag With the Booby Man Roleplay

rant

The Yam Standard

January 30th, 2009
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Sam, Sam the Dancing Yam

[Sam, Sam The Dancing Yam is standing solemnly in front of the camera.]

SSTDY – Ladies and gentle persons of the United States of outside the Yam Field just outside of New Jersey. It has been brought to my attention, that certain personages, namely that evil person hater Axl seems to think that 1) I am an unintelligent Yam, and 2) That all 14 year old boys in New Zealand still like Yu Gi Oh. As representative of Yams worldwide, it is my solemn duty to refute both these remarks immediately and without haste or hesitation. So my statement is as follows:

To Whom It May Concern (namely Axl):

Yams are in fact intelligent beings of intelligence. Studies have shown that even the dumbest Yams have IQ’s of 1.896247686732456795, which as most scientists will tell you is the combined IQ of the entire state of Texas whenever a cold snap hits. Statistics have also shown that yams have a 99.99% chance of being smarter then you. So (insert insult here). I would also make you aware of our match at the first BOB show of the year, which I won thank you very much. Showing that Yams are greater then even the great ones like you, Mr. Axl.

In reference to your second allusion, that 14-year-old boys living in New Zealand may all be Yu Gi Oh nerds. It is my duty to tell you otherwise kind sir. It is the position of the New Zealand Government and the United Parents Against Stupid Card Games (UAPASCG) that this in fact grossly inaccurate. Only 27.34% of boys 14 and under are in fact still fans of this card game, and only 71% of those tested would admit to their so called normal people that they are still in fact fans. This fad has greatly passed, unlike America where fads like these seem to takes years to pass away.

Yours truly,

Sam, Sam The Dancing Yam, Master of the Middle Yam, Winner of Gauntlet’s I & III, number one contender to the eWmania Heavyweight title, and dually authorized representative of Yams (Yams are Mighty Smashers) Worldwide.

SSTDY – I hope this clears everything up, as told by Axe in the back, And if he wants to fight for the right to eat bananas and insult other people that I shall see him in the ring whenever and wherever possible so that I may continuously interest Yams into his rectum and truly wreck them.

[As Sam leaves the podium, no one is really sure what just happened, as Sam’s mike was on mute the whole time, and no one could actually hear what he said, so all Sam really accomplished today was further insulting his own in limited intelligence, by trying to insult a man who had been insulting others for years, and who now, had ended up insulting himself instead.

[And for the second time today, there are spelling errors in nearly every sentence in this stupid rant/role-play/pie in the face for the new generations. Where it stops only the OWTTM Title knows. Good night America, God kill you all with potato’s.]

rant