BOB eWrestling | Rant Zone Archive!

[The woman laying next to Zombie Mr. Fantastic kisses his few strands of hair as he cuts them with a pair of scissors. He takes his false teeth from a glass of bloody water on the bedside table. He holds them in his hand and moves them like they're talking.]

Mr. Fantastic: hbey anyone got any mints?

[He shoves them into his maggot infested gums. The woman strokes half of his head.]

Mr. Fantastic: Death!

[The woman tries to nibble on his ear but it peels right off and falls onto the shoulder of his Christmas pattern turtleneck sweater. She stops finding the scene funny and climbs out of bed before running off the set. Mr. Fantastic pulls his teeth back out.]

Mr. Fantastic: bhen vhe phplasp cums… yue wilb be wipved out!

[He sits up suddenly in bed, his ribs visible through his chest. He throws a Mario hot water bottle at the camera and shakes his fist. He puts his teeth back in.]

[Static.]

Zombie Mr. Fantastic rant e-fed, e-wrestling, parody, wrestling, Zombie Mr. Fantastic

[Open to a staircase covered completely with hundreds of eyes. Zombie Mr. Fantastic is on the set of Mexican psychedelic horror director Giuseppe Gonzales’ latest film. They have just gotten through shooting the underwater shark fight and Mr. Fantastic is dripping from head to toe.]

GG: Ok Senor Fantastico, joo walk down tha stairs and squish as many of the eyes as joo can as joo chase the pretty lady. After she fall and break her leg joo go in for the attack on her brains.

Mr. Fantastic: Brains?

GG: Jes jes, the brains.

[Mr. Fantastic takes his position as Giuseppe motions to start filming.]

GG: Action.

[Mr. Fantastic chases the heroin down the stairs, the eyes bursting with blood and jelly underfoot. The girl slips and falls, her prop leg breaking with the bone sticking out.]

Mr. Fantastic: Brains!

[Suddenly a masked Mexican wrestler appears.]

Silver Devil: Mataré al zombi y ahorraré a la muchacha!

[The Silver Devil dropkicks Mr. Fantastic into the stairs, which collapses on impact and Mr. Fantastic falls into the basement.]

Silver Devil: ¡He destruido a la señora del zombi! ¡Aprisa al móvil de plata del diablo!

[The Silver Devil heals the woman’s broken leg with the Emerald of Ra and lifts her up into his arms before running out to his motorbike. The scene cuts to an evil looking character called The Voodoo Man, surrounded by the zombies he resurrected. He is tied to a chair and forced watch the last few seconds on a bomb timer run out.]

Voodoo Man: ¡Nada puede parar al hombre del vudú, no incluso muerte! I’ ¡el ll le consigue el diablo siguiente de la plata del tiempo!

[Silver Devil speeds away on his motorbike as the cursed castle explodes. The word ‘fin’ appears on the screen.]

Zombie Mr. Fantastic rant e-fed, e-wrestling, parody, wrestling, Zombie Mr. Fantastic

[Clive is trying to make a call on his phone but they just keep hanging up.]

Clive: This is childish.

[We open to a kitchen with red tiled walls and a greasy floor. Zombie Mr. Fantastic is sat at a table eating brains out of a frying pan.]

Dennis: Ah, eating the old bacon and eggs I see?

Mr. Fantastic: Brains!

Dennis: Yes, yes, I hear eggs are very good for the brains. Walnuts too.

[Mr. Fantastic continues chomping down on the chow as Dennis tries to steal a piece with a fork. Mr. Fantastic lunges at him with a snarl.]

Dennis: Ok, ok, I understand. I’m only here to interview you old bean.

[Mr. Fantastic looks annoyed at his stupid British accent.]

Dennis: First of all Mr. Fantastic, how do you see your future unfolding here in Brawlers on a Budget?

[Mr. Fantastic finishes the brains and starts hitting the frying pan against the table like a toddler on crystal meth.]

Mr. Fantastic: Brains!

Dennis: Ah, I see. Well, yes, it does take a lot of brains to get to the top of the mountain. It takes tact, wit and even a sprinkle or three of intelligence.

[Mr. Fantastic drools as Dennis uses what are, in his limited opinion, big and complicated words.]

Mr. Fantastic: Brains.

Dennis: Yes, ring skill is also important. Why, what good are you in a wrestling organization if you cant just flat out get the one two three? Sure, a lot of the time they just take bodybuilders with long hair, put two and two together and think they have the future of the wrestling industry. Five weeks later and they’re combing the desert for the audience’s remains.

[Mr. Fantastic lunges at him, trying to eat his face before being pushed back.]

Dennis: Oh, there’s no need to thank me Mr. Fantastic… I praise a lot of the fine folks that work for this splendid company. Why, just the other day…

[Mr. Fantastic tries to claw at his skin but Dennis thinks he's giving him a high five and resipricates.]

Dennis: Yo my homeslice!

[Mr. Fantastic hits himself with the frying pan and cartoon birds circle above his head. The scene cuts to a Brawlers on a Budget produced commercial.]

Squeaky, annoying singing by a squeaky annoying asian woman covers the scene, a country bumpkin backward farm where Zombie Mr. Fantastic is stood in front of a pyramid of cans stacked on a table.

“Duh-duh-duh juicy! Duh-duh-duh juicy! Duh-duh-duh juicy!”

Mr. Fantastic: Buy my new line of brains in a can! Brains brains they’re good for the heart, the more you eat the more you…

Far away in the background a scarecrow seems to come to life just to wink at the camera. This whole commercial looks like it was devised whilst on drugs.

“Duh-duh-duh juicy! Duh-duh-duh juicy! Duh-duh-duh juicy!”

Mr. Fantastic: That’s right folks… Brawlers on a Budget Brand Food presents… Mr. Fantastic’s brains in a can! Theyyyyyyyyy’rrrrrrrrree GREAT!

‘You Spin Me Round’ by Dead Or Alive plays as the credits roll as quickly as possible.

Zombie Mr. Fantastic rant e-fed, e-wrestling, parody, wrestling, Zombie Mr. Fantastic

Clive: No no no no!

[A crew are fixing a ceiling fan into a set made to look like a tiki hut.]

Clive: BOB can’t afford this.

Chuck: But it needs a tropical look.

Clive: We can’t blow our money on this stuff.

[Clive shows the crew members through the door just as Zombie Mr. Fantastic stumbles into the room.]

Clive: This had better have my sides splitting or I’m off the set, you can find yourself another cameraman.

Mr. Fantastic: Grrrrrrrr.

Clive: Don’t take that tone with me.

[Mr. Fantastic looks just about ready to eat Clive's face when the slutty Hawaiian girls walk into the room.]

Clive: Finally, at least we can tie this together now before Mr. Fantastic here covers the place with maggots. Get yourself a new suit man, there’s more holes than swiss cheese in that thing.

Mr. Fantastic: Grrrrrrr.

Clive: I’m losing my mind. I only took this job to get my foot in the door and I’ve been a cameraman fot this stinking place for nearly ten years.

Slutty Hawaiian girl#1: Hey, wimpy, we’re here in the flesh so can we just get this over with?

Slutty Hawaiian girl#2: Yeah, this guy smells like he threw up on himself.

Clive: I think he did.

Slutty Hawaiian girls: Ewww!

Clive: Ok, Mr. Fantastic you put this Hawaiian shirt and sunglasses on and sit in the bamboo chair whilst the girls hula around. Girls, I think you should use baby oil liberally to keep the fans watching… from the looks of how much of his jaw he’s last I think it’s fair to say there wont be any ranting wizardry.

[Mr. Fantastic puts on the shirt and sunglasses, poking himself in the eye a few times before reaching success. He sits in the chair and the girls start to dance.]

Mr. Fantastic: Sn… apmare Kid… when the… splash… comes…

Clive: No no no, you already fought him.

Zombie Mr. Fantastic: Me win?

Clive: No you didn’t win, you oaf.

Mr. Fantastic: Who me fight next?

Clive: How the hell should I know? Just spout some garbage about how you’re going to take over BOB or some other nonsense.

Mr. Fantastic: BOB… Zombie Mr. Fantastic will take you over. Grrrrrrrr. When the splash comes… BOB… you will be… wiped out.

Clive: Ok ok, stop it there. Just get up and dance around with the girls and drink some rum out of that glass.

[Mr. Fantastic does so, making drunk uncles at weddings everywhere look like Fred Astaire.

Clive: God this is terrible, I worked my fingers to the bone making this set and this is all I get?

Slutty Hawaiian girl#1: This is kinda shit.

Cive: You took the words right out of my mouth. Ok Mr. Fantastic, this is a failed operation. Just go back to robbing graves or eating people's faces or whatever the hell it is you do. This rant will get a lot more viewers if we just film the slutty girls.

Slutty Hawaiian girls: Hey!

[As he leaves the set Mr. Fantastic passes the crew members. He rips out their throats with his teeth before indeed eating their faces. Some zombies never change.]

Zombie Mr. Fantastic rant e-fed, ewrestling, fantasy wrestling, parody, wrestling, Zombie Mr. Fantastic

[‘All Or Nothin’ by Three 6 Mafia plays as Mr. Fantastic sits drinking a forty and smoking a fat blunt with a group of black men dressed in gang colors. The liquor spills out of his stomach onto the floor and the smoke blows out of holes in his chest.]

Gold Bear: Pass the L motherfucker.

[Mr. Fantastic doesn’t move, just staring at a ceiling fan.]

Scarekrow: Give me that, bitch.

[He tries to snatch the blunt off him, but his fingers just fall off.]

Scarekrow: This motherfucker’s got leprosy or some shit.

[Mr. Fantastic smiles a toothy grin and pulls one of his eyes out to clean.]

Barney: He’s falling to pieces all over my God damn carpet!

[Mr. Fantastic pushes his eye back into the socket with one of his remaining fingers.]

Scarekrow: He’s got spiders crawling out of his shoes!

Barney: Get him out of here!

[The gangstas lift him up by his arms and legs and carry him to the door. They swing him a few times before launching him through the air, sending him skidding along the concrete on impact.]

Barney: Should have made him clean up his own blood.

Scarekrow: Let’s go make Kool-Aid!

[They close the door behind them as Mr. Fantastic pulls himself up on his feet. He pops his broken arm back into place and dusts himself off.]

Mr. Fantastic: Braaaaaaaaains!

[Mr. Fantastic dives headfirst through the closed door. We hear screams but the camera doesn't follow.]

Zombie Mr. Fantastic rant brawlers on a budget, e-fed, parody, Zombie Mr. Fantastic

[Maggots. Worms. Mold. Algae. Dust. Bugs. All mixed together in a squirming mess on a patch of earthy ground slowly being turned into mud by the rain.]

Bikini Bimbo #1: I am not dancing in that!

[Two scantilly clad women, with umbrellas, are complaining to Clive about appearing in this Mr. Fantastic rant.]

Clive: We have to have hot chicks dancing around in a Mr. Fantastic rant, otherwise nobody would watch it.

Bikini Bimbo #2: But there’s all, like, spiders and shit there.

[She points.]

Bikini Bimbo #2: I know he’s a werewolf now or whatever and it’s supposed to be authentic, but there’s no way I am rolling around in that.

[Mr. Fantastic stumbles like he's had a gallon of vodka and falls face first into the maggots. He rises up and offers a handful for the girls to eat.]

Bikini Bimbo #1: Gross!

Bikini Bimbo #2: We are so out of here.

Mr. Fantastic: Braaaaaaaaaains.

Bikini Bimbo #1: Um, Clive, what’s he doing?

[Mr. Fantastic stands up, drool pouring from his mouth... and a few teeth. He lurches towards the bikini bimbos as his eyes flicker about randomly.]

Bikini Bimbo #2: Get him off me!

[Mr. Fantastic eat the girls' faces.]

Caption: 10 Minutes Later!

[The bikini bimbos have been turned into zombie bikini bimbos and are eating their own brains.]

Clive: Ok, this is pretty shitty. You’ll have to win the fans over with some insightful and mesmerizing charisma Mr. Fantastic.

Mr. Fantastic: Uhhh… me kill… the other guy at next… show. When the… sp… sp… splash… comes… he… um… braaains.

Clive: Ok, ok… close enough. Now dance with your hos pimp daddy.

[Mr. Fantastic picks up an array of gardening tools and sways to and fro.]

Clive: You are so going to job to Snapmare Kid.

Zombie Mr. Fantastic rant e-fed, parody, Snapmare Kid, wrestling, Zombie Mr. Fantastic