BOB eWrestling | Rant Zone Archive!

~~~Steve Studnuts is seen sitting at his computer with the eWmania forums filling the monitor. He scrolls a little, clicks on a subject link or two, then leans back in his chair and sighs deeply. He scratches his head. He reads some more.

Then Connie Lingus, his houseguest arguably hanging around to mooch more than keep the place clean, walks into shot. She looks every bit of Cindy Crawford, Angie Everhart, Sarah Michelle Gellar and Darva Conger. Mostly Darva Conger, especially when it’s cold in the house.

Steve grumbles some more at the screen as Connie strikes up conversation.~~~

Connie: What ya doing, Steve? Plotting revenge against Plants?

Steve: Of course. I’m always doin’ that. If he’d return my calls, I’d fuck with him even more. He’s avoidin’ me. Maybe he’s busy fuckin’ up titties at one of his hack shops. I don’t know…

But I see that despite my repeated calls and us nearly killing his dumb ass at October Surprise in Snore Games, that fucker found the time to enter his promo for the eWmania Championship Tournament. He can’t answer his phone, but he can do that? Funny thing is, he never does a gatdamn promo here but he was the first to do one there. Then Death did his promo. Fuckin’ BOB guys. Lazy as fuck usually, but they are the first two to post in that tournament, I never would have guessed it. Imagine that. The deadline is tomorrow night, a minute till mid, and only three people have said a word. Plants, Death, and some fuck knuckle named Jason Kain.

Connie: Who’s that?

Studs: Fuck if I know. Some dumb fuck that thinks he’s the biggest star in the indy scene, getting million dollar contracts tossed at him. In the fuckin’ independents? Yeah, like they have a fuckin’ million bucks. Get real, dude.

A buddy of mine told me that Kain’s dick must’ve been really tiny when he did that interview. Heh. And they say I have an ego?

Even better, this Kain guy said the tournament would be over when he won it. He’s goin’ to feel really fuckin’ stupid when he doesn’t. Big mouth fucker.

Connie: I take it you don’t like him.

Studs: Like him? I don’t even fuckin’ KNOW him. I haven’t had the time to get to the point where I DON’T like him. Which I wouldn’t. The guy’s a pussy tit weak fuck. He says Death is probably a goofy character that belongs to a fed that relies on joke premises to get over? I’m in BOB, motherfucker. Am I a goofy character? Does this sound like a fuckin’ joke to you? You’re lucky I don’t come on down there to eWmania tournament land and rip your fuckin’ lungs out through your asshole, superstar.

Connie: Oh, stop being a goofy character. You wanna turkey pot pie?

Studs: Mmmm, that sure is temptin’. But I got blackmailin’ to do. Bring me my cell phone.

~~~Connie leaves and moments later, does in fact hand Steve his cell phone.~~~

Studs: This is goin’ to be good…

~~~He waits as the phone rings. After about the fifth ring, a “hello” is heard through the receiver.~~~

Studs: Doc! Buddy, how’s it goin’, jerkweed? [Steve shoos Connie away with a wave of his hand.]

~~~The televised promo on your screen splits into two pictures, diagonally separated evenly from top right to bottom left. Studnuts occupies the upper left screen, Dr. Silaconne M. Plants is in the bottom right screen laying in a hospital bed and heavily bandaged.~~~

Studs: So, you’re NOT dead after all. Fuckin’ pity. I thought we killed you.

SMP: Nope. I’m still kicking. You’re not going to stop me until I take that ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS from you at MEGABRAWL II. Ten years I’ve waited to get my hands on that title. Ten long years. I will NOT be denied.

Studs: Pffft. Whatever. You’ll never win that belt, Plants. You’ll fuckin’ choke like you always do. Speakin’ of which, since you booked yourself into the match, I assume you also booked what type of match it’s gonna be, right?

SMP: Sure did.

Studs: How about sharin’ that info with the rest of us, fuck hole.

SMP: It’s going to be the exact same match I last won a major championship in… the NICOLAS CAGE MATCH!

Studs: Oh goody, a cage match with Nic Cage DVD’s attached to the walls. I’m scared. I’m shaking. I shit myself. Puh-lease!

SMP: I’ve never lost one.

Studs: So? How many have you been in?

SMP: Well… I’ve been in one.

Studs: Against?

SMP: Neige Thirteen.

Studs: BWAAA HAAA HAAAAAA! That guy was banned from the promotion at the time! How could you NOT have won that?

SMP: It was a tough match…

Studs: No, you ain’t fuckin’ seen tough yet. Which reminds me, since it seems like you get to make up all the rules lately, I have some stips of my own for this one.

SMP: Stips?

Studs: Yeah, motherfucker. Stips! Stipulations. You know, put up or fuckin’ shut up stuff. I’m puttin’ up the ONLY and my half of the tag straps, you’re puttin’ up the Swiss and your half of the tag straps, you picked the match so now I get to have some fun. You also have to put up your career.

SMP: Huh?

Studs: Retire, fuck wad. It’s YOUR match, you can’t win it you have to fuckin’ retire.

SMP: I ain’t gonna do it! I can’t put my career up against the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS, that’s too much pressure!

Studs: Oh no, you WILL do it. If not, I’ll close all your titty butcher clinics and put you out of business!

SMP: You’re blackmailing me?

Studs: You gatdamn right I am. I’ll close them all down, “Girl’s Breast Friend” on Areola Avenue and Mammary Lane, “Titties R Us” down on Nipple Drive and B Cup Boulevard, and even that new one you just opened, “Leave it to Cleavage!”

SMP: You’re a rat bastard!

[SMP pauses and thinks for a second or two]

Wait a minute…. you can’t close down my clinics. It’s free enterprise. I have the right to run my business outside of BOB.

Studs: Not without fuckin’ clients, jerkweed.

SMP: Okay. You have my attention.

Studs: I visited “Tit Jobs Gone Wrong” earlier today on the web and the site had thousands of testimonials from chicks whose fun bags got all fucked up. Most of them were done by you.

SMP: That’s ridiculous.

Studs: Oh really? Check this out…

~~~Steve sends SMP this picture over the cell phone. The Doc looks at it momentarily and responds~~~

SMP: That’s not mine. I’ve never seen her before in my life.

Studs: You don’t say? She wrote a message below the image: “Dr. Plants, LOOK what you did to me, you quacker ass quacker! I hope you rot in Hell.” Signed, douja’s ole lady.

SMP: **snicker** Don’t….know….. her. **snicker**

Studs: What about this poor bitch?

SMP: Not a clue who that is…

Studs: She wrote: “Thank you so much, Dr. Plants…”

SMP: SEE! She’s happy! Another satisfied customer…

Studs: You didn’t let me finish, ass gobbler. “Thank you so much, Dr. Plants… for making me look like a goddamned freak! You need to die a slow, painful death, and just before you die, while you can still feel it, maggots should crawl up your pee hole and eat your testicles! I HATE YOU!”

SMP: Yikes.

Studs: Or this one?

SMP: Ummm, she doesn’t ring a bell.

Studs: I bet she fuckin’ could, standin’ 5 feet from it, with her fuckin’ nipples.

SMP: I don’t know her!

Studs: Maybe you’ll remember THIS one?

SMP: Oh Lord. Those look terrible!

Studs: Yeah, she’s not too fond of you either.

SMP: Again, I’ve never met any of these women.

Studs: Bet you’ve seen HER before!

SMP: Good God!

Studs: She writes: “Dr. Plants, I’m constantly squirting silicone out of my super deformed breasts because of your stupid, ignorant, non-medical no-having skills fucking self. I’ll kill you if I ever see you again!”

SMP: I can see why she’s upset, but I didn’t have anything to do with that.

Studs: Right, and U of A knows when to fuckin’ foul at the end of a game. Listen, Plants, either you put up your career, or I’ll plaster these chicks all over every one of your clinics, you’ll never touch a titty again.

SMP: Alright, you got me. I’ll put my career up.

Studs: Say it like I wanna hear it, fucker.

SMP: If I can’t defeat you at MEGABRAWL II and win THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS… I’ll retire from Brawler’s on a Budget.

Studs: I know most of the fuckin’ smart marks out there think that’s an automatic win for you right there, but you fuckin’ people would be wrong. You see, Plants is old. The game’s past his ass. I’m thinkin’ about jumpin’ to other promotions and spreadin’ the love like Trey did. Doin’ so leaves less time for old SMP. Ya dig?

So don’t go bettin’ the fuckin’ farm on him just yet.

SMP: It’s a deal.

Studs: Oh no, I ain’t done. Nurse Heidi is the special referee, and when I’ve won, not only do you have to retire, you have to film “Heidi’s Anatomy, Part 2” starring Nurse Heidi, and STEVE STUDNUTS! That’s right, Doc, you get to be the CAMERA MAN, and I want you to zoom in real close when I splooge all over your girl.

SMP: She’s not my girl.

Studs: Sure, Plants. What the fuck ever.

SMP: Hey, hold on. Did you say, “Heidi’s Anatomy, Part 2”?

Studs: Yeah, I did.

SMP: So there’s a part one?

Studs: Duh? Are you fuckin’ stupid? YEAH! There’s a part one! Didn’t you see it? I sent it to you months ago…

SMP: No.

Studs: You RPed about it, fuckstick.

SMP: Oh yeah, Heidi grabbed it and ran off.

Studs: Yeah, she’s good at grabbin’ and jerkin’ off.

SMP: I said RAN OFF.

Studs: I don’t give a shit what you said. Do we have a deal, or what?

SMP: I said it already! We have a deal!

Studs: Heh. This is too easy. Do you think Heidi is actually gonna count me out? I know she wants to ride the pole again.

SMP: I got your pole, right here, pal. I’ll see you at MEGABRAWL II!

**click**

~~~Steve looks into the camera~~~

Studs: Plants, I almost don’t’ want MEGABRAWL II to get here. The fuckin’ suspense is awesome. I hope it lasts.

Unfortunately for me, it will get here, and the suspense will be gone.

Unfortunately also for you, because MEGABRAWL II is gonna eventually get here… and when it does, and that cage is locked, I’m gonna beat your fuckin’ ass until you’re fuckin’ transparent. Ya dig?

This shit ain’t even gonna be funny.

Whether you agreed to the retirement stip or not, after MEGABRAWL II you wouldn’t have had any other option. The poundin’ I have planned, even if you, by some fuckin’ miracle, win this match… you’re gonna have to retire anyway.

Unlike this time with the blackmail, your retirement after MEGABRAWL II will be from necessity, not by contractual obligations. Ya dig?

I’m gonna fuckin’ beat you to death. Period.

Get it? Got it? GOOD!

Heh.

~~~static~~~

Steve Studnuts rant Death, Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, e-fed, e-wrestling, parody, Steve Studnuts, wrestling

~~~Steve Studnuts and Connie Lingus are leaving a generic looking building. There’s a long line of people waiting to get in.~~~

Connie: So, Steve. Tell me. Who’d you vote for?

Studs: What do you think? We live in Arizona. DUH!

Connie: Don’t say “duh” to me, you know that makes me feel stupid.

Studs: Well, DUH!

Connie: Okay, I’m not talking to you all the way home.

Studs: So?

Connie: I’m not putting out either.

Studs: So?

Connie: No turkey pot pie tonight for you…

Studs: Okay, THAT’S where you fucked up. I take it back. Okay? Feel better? I take it ALL back.

Connie: Hmphf.

Studs: Come on, I was just kiddin’ around. You know I voted for the Mac. Besides, how the fuck could I vote for some fucker named Barack? That sounds like a motherfucker from Mortal Kombat. And anyway, do you know how close Osama bin Laden sounds like Obama and Biden? Think about that fuckin’ shit for a minute.

Connie: Yeah, I guess you’re right. (they get into Steve’s canary yellow Ferrari) Hey, what’s that smell?

Studs: (while putting on his seat belt) It’s chicken. Got some chicken bones in the back. Dealin’ in a little voodoo this weekend. Ya dig?

Connie: Voodoo? Like voodoo curses? Didn’t work against Plants.

Studs: Fuck Plants, I’ll kick his ass at MEGABRAWL, I hexed the Sin City Icons. Motherfuckers needed a loss this week.

~~~He revs the engine to almost a near blown gasket, then peels out.~~~

Steve Studnuts rant e-fed, e-wrestling, parody, Steve Studnuts, wrestling

~~~Steve Studnuts is sitting at his computer, contemplating if he should play Jonathan Stewart instead of Michael Turner in week 4. Connie Lingus walks up.~~~

Connie: Steve? Shouldn’t you be doing a promo for your match with Death instead of worrying about your fantasy football team?

Studs: The fuck? What do you think is more important?

Connie: I guess the promo since I’m asking you about it.

Studs: NOTHING is more important than fantasy football. Ya dig? Besides, I can beat Death any day of the week. He can never beat me, the jerkweed has no heart. Heh.

Connie: Is that a bad joke about him being a skeleton?

Studs: I didn’t think it was that fuckin’ bad. Besides, I have a lot to prove this week. This is a cage match, on an !MPLOSION! card. What the fuck is that? I’m the GRAND SLAM ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS wrestling the number 1 contender, a former ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS, IN A CAGE MATCH? For FREE? Why is this not an On-Demand match? I’m in demand for On-Demand!

Connie: Oooooookay.

Studs: On top of that, I’m extra motivated to stomp the fuck out of Death since somebody in the locker room recently called me a primadonna.

Connie: Somebody called you Cher?

Studs: Huh?

Connie: Diana Ross?

Studs: What the fuck? No, bitch…. not “PRE” Madonna. P-R-I-M-A-D-O-N-N-A.

Connie: I’d agree with that.

Studs: What-the-fuck-ever. ANY-way…I can’t believe the boys up front didn’t think Studnuts/Death/Cage wasn’t a draw enough for some Send Us Money action. It’s an insult. So, instead of mailin’ it in like I planned on doin’, I’m gonna beat the skin off Death.

Connie: How is that possible? He doesn’t have skin.

Studs: Alright then. I’ll rip his fuckin’ guts out.

Connie: No guts, either.

Studs: I’ll poke his eyes out and skull fuck him to death.

Connie: What eyes? And what does humping his skull have to do with wrestling?

Studs: I’ll kick his fuckin’ ass!

Connie: But he doesn’t have an ass. Technically.

Studs: GATDAMMIT! Can’t I get a human fuckin’ bein’ to talk trash about? How about this? I’ll break all his readily accessible and visibly obvious bones!

Connie: Doesn’t quite have the ring of “kicking his ass.”

Studs: Good point. Regardless, I’ll make the suits sorry for offering this TOTAL DOMINATION on free television. A beatin’ this bad, you should have to pay to see, then look away and waste your money due to the sheer brutality of it.

Connie: I thought Trey and Seth were in charge of setting up the matches.

~~~Studnuts ponders this for a minute~~~

Studs: Do you think Trey is fuckin’ with me?

Connie: Well, he had the chance to keep Death from coming after you, and here you are wrestling Death in a cage match.

Studs: Yeeeeeah. And Trey, or Seth, had to sign this fuckin’ match, right?

Connie: I’m sure you guys have a plan.

Studs: I haven’t heard of a plan. Trey’s fuckin’ with me, I know it. Before long he’ll have me wrestlin’ a gatdamn grizzly bear like they did in the 70’s or in an angle with a cheap Cryme Tyme knock-off.

Connie: Panda.

Studs: Huh?

Connie: Panda bear. There’s a panda bear in your wrestling league.

Studs: You’re fuckin’ kiddin me, right?

Connie: Don’t you look at the other promos?

Studs: Duh? Why?

Connie: You should, before Thiefer Sutherland steals your spot.

Studs: Thiefer Sutherland? Pffft. That’s the most ridiculous fuckin’ thing I’ve ever heard. Cool name, though.
Thiefer Sutherland… some fucker named that stealing my spot? What’s next? Clay Aiken finally admittin’ he’s fuckin’ gay?

~~~Steve goes back to his computer screen.~~~

Studs: Fuck it, I’m leavin Turner in there. WHAT THE FUCK? What dumb motherfucker dropped Mendenhall with Parker out this week? And who drops Roethlisberger for…. who THE FUCK is J.T. O’Sullivan?

Time to hit the waiver wire, bitches!

~~~static~~~

Steve Studnuts rant Death, e-fed, parody, seth harker, Steve Studnuts, Trey Vincent, wrestling

~~~Connie Lingus and Jizzabelle Cummins are dancing around Steve Studnuts’ home in Phoenix, nearly naked, with a bunch of frat boys from Arizona State University waving dollars over their heads. Steve walks in with a large welt on his forehead and looking like somebody stole the format of his promos.~~~

Connie: Steve? What’s wrong?

~~~He drops his title belts on the floor.~~~

Studs: I’ve lost my smile.

Connie: What does that mean?

Studs: It means I have to go find my fuckin’ smile.

Connie: You leaving?

Studs: Yep.

Jizz: When will you be back?

Studs: Don’t fuckin’ know.

Connie: You’re not pulling a Vince Young, are you?

Studs: Connie, quit draggin’ out this promo. My handler’s at work. He doesn’t have all fuckin’ day. Ya dig?

Jizz: Steve, you’re scaring us.

Studs: So be it. Fuck off.

~~~Steve turns and walks back out the front door.~~~

Steve Studnuts rant Steve Studnuts

~~~Steve Studnuts’ reflection is imaged in a mirror. He appears to have just gotten out of the shower and is getting ready to shave. LOOK! He’s applying shaving gel! Mystery solved.

He hits “play” on a nearby CD player and “Goodbye Horses” by Q Lazzarus begins to fill the room. Click below to get the full experience. His following actions are not to say he is homosexual or a pupae transvestite. ~~~

~~~Back to Steve’s reflection, he’s now shaving and staring intently at himself~~~

Studs: Would you fuck me?

~~~He shaves his right cheek, which appears as though he just shaved his left cheek.~~~

Studs: Would you? Fuck me?

~~~He shaves his chin, which still looks like he’s shaving his chin.~~~

Studs: I’d fuck me so hard. I’d fuck me…. so hard. Heh.

~~~There’s a loud knock on the bathroom door.~~~

Studs: (startled) WHAT?

Woman’s offscreen voice: Steve? What are you doing in there?

Studs: I’m fuckin’ shavin’. Whadda ya want?

Woman’s offscreen voice: There’s a FBI agent at the front door. It’s a woman. You fucking her too?

Studs: Connie, chill out. She’s probably gettin’ a jump questionin’ me about stompin’ the shit out of The Great and Pete Trable at “Runnin’ on Empty” and killin’ them deader than fried chicken.

Woman’s offscreen voice: Oh sure! She looks like a lesbo, or at least a bi-sexual. And I know how you dig that.

Studs: (whispers to himself) I dig. Ya dig? (normal voice) Tell her I’ll call her later! I’m busy!

Woman’s offscreen voice: You tell her! Jizzabelle and I are going to Chippendale’s to see their new skinny dancer!

Studs: What the fuck? Okay, I’ll call her when I get time tonight. But before you go, could you call Trey and tell him not to take it personal when my Sun Valley Studs of the FOBL fucks up the Sin City Icons this weekend? I think he put some money into the team and is like a majority owner or somethin’.

A crushin’ defeat to the Studs could be the catalyst of a festering resentment that could lead to a main event showdown at MEGABRAWL III, especially since the Icons are favored to win. After Week 1, the Studs are ranked first and the Icons are number 2. Funny how imaginary fantasy football imitates real life fantasy wrestling. Shit, did I say that out loud? *ahem* Would you call him for me?

Woman’s offscreen voice: I’m not calling him! Every time I do he always begs for sex! It’s pathetic.

Studs: Yep, that’s my buddy Trey. Speaking of “buddies”, hey Plants, how about gettin’ your dumb ass on here and postin’ some promos so I don’t have to carry this fuckin’ tag-team all the time?

~~~He splashes on some Beast Aftershave® because it makes his smeel manely.~~~

Studs: I feel… like a jungle rat. The Great. Pete Trable. You faggots are goin’ to die. Don’t feel bad, at least for you, Great… you’ll no longer have to put up with your naggin’ bitch wife and those snotty, free-loadin’ kids. And Trable, you’ll finally be put out of your horrible white rapper gimmick misery. Just don’t come back as Zombie Pete Trable, okay?

On second thought, that’d be an improvement. So long as you didn’t rap. Especially if Axl gets ahold of your character again. Ya dig?

~~~He winks at his reflection~~~

Studs: (talking to his reflection) Let’s go pack that gear bag for Runnin’ On Empty. It’s time to bring sexy back to BOB.

~~~He turns off the bathroom light. Darkness.~~~

Steve Studnuts rant Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, e-fed, ewrestling, parody, Pete Trable, roleplay, Steve Studnuts, The Great, Trey Vincent

~~~Steve Studnuts is in his giagantic home in Phoenix, Az, channel surfing between scat porn and BOB promos… because shitting on people is funny.~~~

Studs: Well gatdamn, son! You took that “less is more” statement literally, didn’t ya? Congratulations.

It’s your:
BEST…..PROMO….EVER.

Heh.

~~~He picks up his cell phone~~~

Studs: Pardon me, fuck stick. I have to call my “partner”.

~~~He presses a single button and waits~~~

Studs: Come on, faggot. Pick up.

~~~A split sceen emerges. Dr. Silaconne M. Plants is seen a bit worse for wear, nervously thumbing through a leaflet in his office entitled: “Augmentations For Dummies.”~~~

(((A ringtone similar to Sade’s “Smooth Operator” is heard.)))

SMP: Hello?

Studs: Hi. Who’s this?

SMP: Huh? You called me. Who’s this?

Studs: What’s your favorite scary movie?

SMP: What?

Studs: Come on! What’s your favorite scary movie?

SMP: Who is this?

Studs: A SCARY MOVIE SURVEY GUY! Just answer the fuckin’ question.

SMP: Oh, okay. I’ll say… hmmmm.

Studs: Do you like scary movies? Come on, what’s your favorite. It’ll be fun.

SMP: I think “Blazing Yarmulkes” might be scary… but I’m going to say “The Sound of Music.”

Studs: Is that the one where the guy has KNIVES for fingers?

SMP: No, that’s Nightmare on Elm Street.

Studs: Really? Say, what’s your name?

SMP: Didn’t you call me? You should know my name. I’m a very famous professional wrestler. Dr. Silaconne M. Plants! Heard of me?

Studs: No.

SMP: Oh, well I’m VERY famous. But anyway, why do you want to know my name?

Studs: I just wanted to know who I was lookin’ at. Umm, I mean….talkin’ to.

SMP: What did you say?

Studs: I’m goin’ to gut your girlfriend like a fish! With my dick!AGAIN!

~~~Steve hangs up.~~~

Studs: BWAAAHAAAAHAAAA!

~~~Steve composes himself.~~~

Studs: Alright Axl, back to you.

First of all…kudos on becomin’ XXXtreme Machine’s new cumpot. But I guess your loose lips, in addition to makin’ you a good cumpot, have now gotten you into some trouble.

I heard a rumor in the locker room that your faggot ass and your faggot brother are lookin’ for the tag-straps. Big mistake, jerkweed.

But if you two choad smokers can ever MAKE it to a title match, I’ll deal with you then.

And that will be the day that you die. Miss American fuckin’ pie.

P.S. I fucked Michelle.

Goodbye, dick gulper!

~~~static~~~

Steve Studnuts rant Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, e-fed, Michelle, parody, Steve Studnuts, wrestling, XXXtreme Machine

~~~Becoming BOB’s first and only GRAND SLAM CHAMPION™ would undoubtedly come with some perks. Steve Studnuts has learned that winning every major championship in BOB on the same night has made him ENDORSEMENT GOD™!
Well, sort of~~~

CAPTION: BEAUTYMIST© PANTYHOSE SET (1)

~~~The camera starts at a shapely pair of feet attached to a reclined pair of muscular legs. It slowly, seductively pans upward over the calves, knees, then thighs. Continuing upward, it’s finally revealed the owner of such gams: STEVE STUDNUTS!

Studs: Now, I don’t wear panty hose, but if Beautymist can make my legs look this good, imagine what they can do for those pocked up, cellulite riddled fuckin’ fat sticks you have.

Director: CUT! You can’t say that, we’re trying to SELL these things! And you’ve stretched them all out anyway! We can’t shoot this, the hose has runs in them!

Studs: What do you expect? My legs are five times fuckin’ bigger than Namath’s.

Director: GET OUT!

JINGLE: PRICELINE NEGOTIATOR™! (2)

Studs: Listen, fuckers. Buy your fuckin’ plane tickets at priceline-dot-com, or I’ll come over to your house and beat your fuckin’ ass. Oh yeah, get your hotel reservations from there too. Or then, after I kick your ass, I’ll fuck your wife. Well, if she’s a looker. If she’s a two-bagger, I’ll just kick her ass like I will yours.

Director: CUT!

IMAGE: WRESTLING TRUNKS.

Custom made wrestling trunks, (black), with yellow SUPERMAN logo. $85

IMAGE: WRESTLING BOOTS WITH TASSELS ATTACHED

Custom made wrestling boots (black patent leather) with 6” black leather tassels adorned from the top of them. $450

IMAGE: AN “ESCORT” KNOCKING ON TREY VINCENT’S DOOR.

Purchase of expensive call girl to bribe VPiCoE, solidifying chances of becoming GRAND SLAM CHAMPION. $5, 650.

IMAGE: STEVE STUDNUTS IN A HOT TUB WITH THREE HOT CHICKS.

TRANSLATION: CHICKS WAY HOTTER THAN CHICKS YOU’LL EVER BE IN A HOT TUB WITH.

Being surrounded by gorgeous women because you’re a semi-famous professional athlete. Priceless.

VISA®- IT’S EVERYWHERE YOU WANT TO BE. (3)

OFFSCREEN VOICE: Isn’t that the American Express® catchphrase?

EDITOR: I don’t fucking know. I don’t really care. What are they gonna do, SUE ME?

CAPTION: A deserted island. Deserted except for cameras, extras, a sexy blonde (this is NOT to mean Nurse Heidi), The Flunky, and STEVE STUDNUTS. And possibly the bones of Jimmy Hoffa (NOT SHOWN).

Sexy Blonde: Mr. Studnuts, we’re on a deserted island and it’s virtually impossible for you to offend anyone with your vile language. So, what’s your honest opinion of Axl and his Hierarchy?

Studs: They are very talented. I’ve never met such fine, upstanding gentlemen. They’re among the top professional wrestlers in the business. And totally heterosexual.

Sexy Blonde: (she’s smiling, with a sparkling light reflecting off her over-the-top grin. She’s holding up a pack of ORBIT GUM®) Orbit Gum, providing a fresh clean mouth – NO MATTA WHOOT! (4)

SCENE: A KITCHEN. (5)

~~~Two boys are looking at cereal bowls.~~~

Kid 1: I’m not gonna try it, you try it.

Kid 2: No way. I’m not gonna try it.

Kid 1: Hey, let’s get Stevie! He’ll eat anything.

~~~Cut to Steve Studnuts~~~

Studs: Not unless it can grow hairs.

Boys: EWW!

Studs: You ain’t gettin’ me on a statutory.

Director: CUT!

CAPTION: BEAST™ AFTERSHAVE SET. (6)

~~~Steve Studnuts is seen wearing a caveman outfit.~~~

Studs: In the morning, when I….splash it on…. it makes me feel like a jungle rat. Umm, cat.

Director: CUT!

CAPTION: TAKE 27.

Studs: In the morning. I splash it on, it makes me…. feel like a jumbled cat.

Director: CUT! Good grief! Let’s go to the alternate set!

CAPTION: ALTERNATE SET.

~~~Steve Studnuts is in a wrestling ring while two attractive women spray “sweat” on him from bottles.~~~

Studs: When I splash it on, it makes me smeel manely.

Director: CUT! Smeel manely? It’s SMELL MANLY! Can you see that, Steve?

Studs: Huh?

Director: The cards? Can you see them?

Studs: You think this stuff makes you smell manly? I don’t.

Director: Who cares? Just read what we write on the dummy cards!

Studs: Dummy cards? Yo, I might be… what you call….punchy, but I’m no dummy.

Director: CUT! I’m scrapping this whole thing! We’ve wasted a lot of time and money, because YOU CAN’T READ!

Studs: Heh.

CAPTION: ISOTONER® GLOVES SET. (7)

Studs: I wear Isotoner gloves, because I take care of the hands that sometimes take care of me. Ya dig?

Director: No! That’s not in the script! What are you talking about?

Studs: You know, sometimes I gotta flog the dolphin a bit. Play old tug-o-war with Cyclops from time to time. Not a lot, just in emergencies.

Director: CUT!

SCENE: A BAR. (8)

~~~A nightclub full of wild boars. An attractive woman walks in and has a seat at the counter next to a boar. The boar leaves her side and walks to the bathroom, then up to a condom dispenser. A condom falls out and the boar takes it in his mouth and walks back into the bar.~~~

Director: CUT! This is the part where we “transform” the boar into a civilized human being, responsible enough to choose a condom! Where’s that wrestling actor guy?

Stage Hand: That’s him, sir.

Director: That’s a fucking pig!

Stage Hand: Exactly.

Director: CUT!

SCENE: A GENERIC AMUSEMENT PARK.

VOICEOVER: RIDE THE SPERMINATOR®!

~~~Steve Studnuts is seen standing in front of a “TOWER OF DOOM” seat drop shaped like a giant penis.~~~

VOICEOVER: ONLY AT SUPERWHACKYFUNLAND™! (9)

CAPTION: VIDAL SASSOON™ SET (10)

Director: Okay listen, we know your reputation. Remember, please… our slogan is: “If you don’t look good, we don’t look good.” Can you manage it?

Studs: Sure.

Director: Are you POSITIVE?

Studs: Of course.

Director: ACTION!

Studs: If you don’t look good….

~~~There’s a brief pause, everybody except Steve Studnuts waits in nervous anticipation.~~~

Studs: …. It’s because you’re a fugly bitch and this gatdamn shampoo sure as fuck won’t help.

Director: Oh, FUCK ME! I KNEW IT! CUT!

CAPTION: POWER IS STOLEN PROMO/HYPERBOLE SET

Studs: Death, I see we’re matched up at Power is Stolen, pickin’ random partners for a tag-team match. I’ll assume the NGETFA, umm, management is gonna have to change that- I AM good enough to fuckin’ fight alone. Ya dig? I’m the tag-team champs by myself, totally destroying the logic behind the tag-team’s “title”. So to speak.

ANYway, are the titles on the line? It’s doesn’t matter really. Pick whomever you want, go ahead and dial a number. I’m pickin’ the most losery loser of all time to prove I can beat you with anybody.

He’s the biggest choker in BOB history. He doesn’t even RP anymore. He can’t win titles here unless he buys them or gets lucky in a triple threat match. How do I stand a chance with a fuckin’ lame like that as a partner, huh?

Why, because I’m Steve Studnuts, you bony mother fucker. And you’re not.

But I KNOW! YOU WISH! YOU COULD BE!

~~~Darkness~~~

Steve Studnuts rant Death, Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, e-fed, parody, Steve Studnuts, Trey Vincent, wrestling

~~~Connie Lingus and GRAND SLAM CHAMPION Steve Studnuts are eating lunch in downtown Phoenix.~~~

Connie: Steve? Don’t you think that since you’ve won every title in Brawlers on a Budget, you should cut a promo? There’s been a long history of champions “disappearing” from the airwaves after winning major championships there. Honestly, no kidding around this time, don’t you think you should do one?

Studs: Nope.

~~~static~~~

Steve Studnuts rant e-fed, parody, Steve Studnuts, wrestling

~~~Steve Studnuts is at his computer, grumbling noticeably. Connie Lingus, the oh so hot Connie Lingus, approaches cautiously.~~~

Connie: What are you doing, Steve? Still trying to figure out what side I’m on? Your’s or Trey’s? I know it was little confusing at !MPLOSION! 8, but coming to one of shows for the very first time was kinda fun.

Studs: No, it wasn’t fun. You bein’ there cock blocked me all night. How the hell am I gonna snake some strange pussy with you around?

Connie: Huh? I KNEW you cheated on me at those things!

Studs: Umm, yeah. I was jokin’.

Connie: Oh, okay. You had me nervous for a minute there.

Studs: What-the-fuck-ever. Look, I don’t give a fuck about Trey right now. I’m pissed at him for makin’ me do promos this week. It’s fuckin’ summertime, motherfucker! It’s Fourth of July week! Who the fuck wants to be inside doin’ gatdamn promos? Plants doesn’t, he ain’t done shit since he fucked up the American Idol finale. I’m surprised he didn’t do one where he fucked up the Hell’s Kitchen finale.

Yet, even though he hasn’t done a gatdamn promo in a fuckin’ month, there he is in the GRAND SLAM FINAL. Remember the other day when I said that motherfucker has more lives than Victor Kiriakis?

Connie: Yes…

Studs: Well I just saw last night, while standing in line at the grocery store pickin’ up some MAGNUM BRAND RUBBERS, that Stefano is awake from his coma. THAT motherfucker has died more times than Kiriakis! And Plants has more lives than BOTH of them fuckin’ combined!

Connie: Ummm, what are you talking about?

Studs: STEFANO, motherfucker! Stefano fuckin’ DiMera! He has cheated death…. look, I Wikipedia-ed it for you. Come over here and look at this screen.

~~~Connie walks over and sees this:~~~

This list includes times Stefano faked his death, was presumed dead, or was reported dead by others.

A stroke in 1983.
His car plunged into the icy waters of Salem’s harbor during a police chase in 1984
Marlena shot him, and he fell from a catwalk as the building caught fire in 1985 (he also had a brain tumor)
In 1991, he was presumed to have died in another fire and cave collapse.
In 1994, his car erupted into a fireball after being shot at by John.
Also in 1994, he drowned near Maison Blanche.
In 1996, he died in a plane explosion.
Again, in 1996, he was blown up and buried under collapsing tunnel during confrontation with Rachel Blake. This was his last depicted “death”.
In 2002, Andre Dimera claimed that his uncle had died from injuries sustained from a car crash in Monte Carlo.
In 2004, when Marlena found a blackened, unrecognizable corpse, Andre claimed it was Stefano. Andre said he had killed Stefano by draining his blood so Andre could cure his own blood disease.

Studs: See all that? Plants has outlasted all of that shit right there. How the hell did he make it to the GRAND SLAM FINALS?

Connie: I dunno.

Studs: It’s a pity push! Plants couldn’t win the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS even if he was the only guy in fuckin’ match. He’s cursed. Even though he made it there, he ain’t winning.

Mr. Paracoxin his mouth fucked himself right into blackball city and The Great is no where to be found. He ain’t said nothin’ in weeks. He must be scared. And by the way, who’s dick is HE suckin? Has that motherfucker lost a match since he’s been here?

Connie: Again, I have no idea.

Studs: Well tell me this…

~~~He goes back to studying the computer screen with his original project when Connie walked in.~~~

Studs: Do you think Trey will trade me LaDainian Tomlinson for Frank Gore?

Connie: What?

Studs: Fantasy football! Shit, do you live in a fuckin’ cave?

Connie: Oh..my….God. You play THAT! That stuff is SO fake! It’s kind of like fantasy parody online wrestling.

Studs: Well, not really. At least these are real players. Ya dig?

Connie: *sigh* Whatever…

Studs: So… do you think he’ll trade me or what?

Connie: I have no idea.

Studs: Well, maybe you can ask him when you’re doin’ him on his washing machine while doin’ his laundry in it. Heh.

Connie: Steve? Let me explain…

Studs: SHUDDAP, BITCH! Go fix me a turkey pot pie.

~~~She leaves, apparently to go fix a turkey pot pie.~~~

Studs: At UnFOURgiven, Plants, Paradox, The Great…. you motherfuckers are goin’ down. I’m walkin’ out with all the gold.
Not a promise…
Not an idle threat….
Not anythin’ else….

……but a GAT-DAMN FACT!

Because I’m Steve Studnuts, THE ONLY CHAMPION IN THIS PROMOTION THAT MATTERS…

…..and you’re not.

But I KNOW….
You WISH….

YOU COULD BE!

~~~static~~~

Steve Studnuts rant Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, e-fed, e-federation, e-wrestling, Mr. Paradox, parody, Steve Studnuts, The Great, Trey Vincent, wrestling

~~~Steve Studnuts is at the Arizona Center in downtown Phoenix at the Piano Bar, a gaggle of hot chicks navigate around him like the moons to his Jupiter. He has a championship belt draped over his shoulder. A giant arrow, digitalized on the screen appears over the title, with flashing words ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS over it. We join in progress~~~

Studs: So the penis says,”Is that as deep as it gets?”

~~~The girls force laughter.~~~

Studs: BWAAA HAAA HAAA! You get it?

Girl1: Steve, you’re SO funny!

Studs: Yep, but not as funny as motherfuckers that insert their own foot into their mouth!

Girl 2: I can do that!

~~~She removes her pump and seductively sucks her own toes.~~~

Studs: Say now. You’re pretty flexible. What’s your name, honey?

Girl 2: Gertrude.

Studs: What the fuck? How could a hot ass bitch like you end up with such an ugly gatdamn name? I’m gonna call you Sasha.

Girl 2: Isn’t that like, a Croatian name for a man?

Studs: Ya know, I think I heard that somewhere. How about I just call you Sarah?

Girl 2: Sarah? Okay. Why Sarah?

Studs: Let’s just say I’d like to fuck Sarah again. Ya dig? Just like I did at !MPLOSION 8! HA!

Girl 2: Okay!

Girl 3: HEY! Why does girl 2 get all the action? You can call me Sarah!

Studs: Sure, I’ll call you Sarah too. I’ll call all you bitches Sarah, and then we can have a great big Sarah fuckin’ orgy. How about that?

~~~The women giggle and do cheerleading kicks~~~

Studs: Now, excuse me while I conduct some business. Run along and freshen up.

~~~They collectively run to the restroom.~~~

Studs: Dr.Thrilla, I’m happy to see your dumbass wiggin’ out and tearin’ up your own shit for a change, as it’s now painfully obvious you’re what’s known in the biz as a bridge. You and your fag buddy Paradox are all upset about what? You lost a title after just winning it? You just got picked to bridge the title over to somebody else, and free me up to capture the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS.

Like Stan Stasiak did when he took the belt off Pedro Morales so Bruno could get it back. They didn’t want Bruno to beat Morales, so Stasiak got like a five day run as the bridge. Billy Graham was the same thing, in a sense, although he kept it longer and was actually a draw. Truth is, he bridged from Sammartino to Backlund, he was just a lot better than Stasiak. Learn your history, jerkweed —or fuck knuckles like you are doomed to repeat it.

~~~He rubs his chin for second~~~

Studs: Snitskey, huh? Push, huh? As a matter of FACT, faggots, this is the first time I’ve ever held this piece of shit. I’ve been here eight fuckin’ years. Yeah, I’m gettin’ a fuckin’ push because I do what I do and don’t fuckin’ publically cry when I drop a belt to an inferior, non-entertaining, no-charisma-havin’, shit burger like Thrilla. I was out of the tournament, that’s the way it fuckin’ goes. And if you think I knew beforehand that I was replacin’ Joe BananaFucker, then you’re wrong.

The people who matter know the truth, say whatever you want. I didn’t whine about it.

And finally, I have THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS, and thank God I got it before Plants did, I’d probably kill myself if he got it before me.

Which reminds me, that motherfucker has more lives than Victor Kiriakis. How is he STILL in the hunt for UnFOURgiven?

Plants, I should just take this title right now and scratch off Heidi’s first part of that safe combination, but what fun would that be? We have to keep the marks thinkin’ you still have a chance.

But first, you have to get by Trey and Kevin in the Triple Threat, and then get by myself and The Great at UnFOURgiven. I wouldn’t worry about Paradox, looks like he fucked himself right into a punishment job. Heh.

Good luck fuckers! I’m off to tear Jerri Li a new asshole.

Literally.

~~~The girls return~~~

Studs: You bitches ready to fuck? Let’s go!

~~~They stand. Steve puts his arms around two of them, the rest mill around behind them as they all exit, whispering and gesturing to each other. ~~~

Studs: Hey, any of you bitches watch football, or fuck football players and have some inside contacts? I need tickets to some Sin City Icons games this year….

~~~static~~~

Steve Studnuts rant Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, Dr. Thrilla, e-fed, Jerri Li, Joe Bananas, Kevin the Pyromaniac, parody, Sarah "The Jobber Slayer", Steve Studnuts, Trey Vincent, wrestling