BOB eWrestling | Rant Zone Archive!

[Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" is seen staring at a poster of Jerri Li.]

Sarah: I can’t believe you have a poster of her on your wall.

[Kay Fabe puts a finger against the two-dimensional lips of Jerri Li.]

Kay: Well, she did touch me down there. No woman has ever touched me like Jerri Li touched me. Not even Seth.

Sarah: Um-kay.

Far-off voice, possibly Seth: Did you just call me a woman?

Kay: No, sweetie. Don’t you have a backstage segment you’re late for or something.

[Dead silence.]

Sarah: How are you feeling, Kay?

Kay: The tombstone through the stack of tables. Yeah, it kinda hurt. Thus, the neckbrace.

Sarah: Ah, didn’t even notice it. Thanks, Detached Narrator.

[Second Cousin of the First Evil, remember?]

Sarah: Yeah, whatever happened to that whole deal, DN?

Kay: You vanquished evil, because it’s what you do! You’re the chosen one! You’re the one and…, well, you’re the one of three Jobber Slayers. That we know of anyway.

Sarah: Where’s Freddy Prinze Jr. when you need him.

Kay: Zuh?

Sarah: He’s a writer for SmackDown.

Kay: Writer? *Pffft* Think you have a brain injury, missy!

Sarah: Right. Anywho. How do you think I’ll do inside of Jell-O in a Cell-O?

Kay: You’ll do great. Just don’t let her grab your groin, or you’ll get all aroused and distracted. Serious not goodness.

Sarah: Yeah, I often have THAT problem when women grab my crotch. *Rolls eyes* Say, first, let’s ask that guy who’s chained to your wall who he thinks will win.

Kay: Who, Josh G?

Sarah: Why do I know that name? Man, I’m having a massive mental block. It’s like somebody renditioned my brain.

Kay: Josh, who do you think will win when Sarah and Jerri wrestle in jell-o?

Josh G: Umm…Sarah?

Sarah: Sounds good to me. Well, there you have it, straight from the lips of the guy who is chained to Kay Fabe’s wall for no apparent reason.

Kay: (Mouthing the words) Mistress. Of. Pain. (She then does the Rob Van Spam thumb pointing thingee.)

Sarah: Ariel, this time, I won’t drop the title. Because all I have to do is pin you.

[Kay hands Sarah a banana. Sarah hands Kay a plastic bag.]

Kay: Oh, baby!

[Um, what's in the bag?]

Kay: Oh, I totally made this banana super powerful for added extra slayage power. All Sarah has to do is slay Jerri with this banana and she’ll become the T&A XX Division Champion and live out her full life as a champion. It’s sort of like that movie about the little mermaid…what was that movie called?

[Right...but what's in the bag?]

Kay: … Stuff.

Sarah: It’s some hair, OK?

[You're giving Kay some hair? That's...hot. Wait, it doesn't look like you've cut your beautiful blonde hair.]

Sarah: Well, I haven’t…

[...But that would mean...SEXY!]

Sarah: Sexy? Brought it back.

Kay: And someday soon, she’ll grow her hair back. And Trey will probably make her cut it again. And hopefully Sarah will need another favor from me. Goddess, I’ve missed you.

Sarah: Ditto. Well, I’m outie. Bye.

[Sarah rubs the banana against poster Jerri's lips. Fade to black.]

Sarah (Voice): She’s totally slayed. She just doesn’t know it yet.

Sarah The Jobber Slayer rant e-fed, e-federation, e-wrestling, fantasy wrestling, Jerri Li, Kay Fabe, parody, roleplay, Sarah "The Jobber Slayer", seth harker

Inside a local training facility, Sarah “The Jobber Slayer” appeared confused, staring at a dummy.

“Hey!” Trey Vincent shouted at the air.

I meant the dummy, not you, Trey. Yes, Trey Vincent was also there.

“I have to fight Gail Kim?” Sarah asked.

“No, Jerri Li. Why?”

“That’s a picture of Gail Kim on that crash test dummy.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. I’m sure. And what’s that white stuff all over her mouth?”

“Ummm….must be the glue.” Trey cleared his throat nervously. “Right. So. I’ve finally decided on the stipulation I want to see you fight Jerri Li in.”

“Sushi on a pole?” Sarah asked.

“Nope.”

“Dueling Signapore cane match?”

“Am I THAT racist?”

“You can’t tell Gail Kim apart from Jerri Li, so, yes.”

“Fine. Here’s the deal. You and Jerri Li will fight in a Tables, Ladder, Chairs, Bras and Panties Match.”

“Zuh?”

“The rules are simple. The T&A XX Division Title will be hung up above the ring. But you can’t climb the ladder until after you’ve removed all of Jerri’s clothes and she’s reduced to bra and panties only. Or nothing. Nudity equals buy rates. Did you see the numbers that WWE show did with Regal’s exposed dick?”

“Uh…Doesn’t she wear a wasp’s nest for panties? Because I’m allergic to bee stings and I could totally sue you.”

“I don’t know what she wears for underwear, but I’m looking forward to finding out.”

“Well, Trey, I can guarantee you’ll find out at Power Is Stolen. Because after Power Is Stolen, the T&A title will be mine. Besides, I’m totally boinking the boss. Do you honestly think you have a shot at keeping my title? Does the word “transitional champion” mean anything to you? See: Axl comma Appetite for Burritos. Be prepared for the extremest screw job of your life.”

Sarah spin kicks the Gail Kim dummy in half.

“Extremest? Is that even a word?”

“Didn’t show up in spellcheck…”

Sarah The Jobber Slayer rant e-fed, Jerri Li, parody, Sarah "The Jobber Slayer", Trey Vincent, wrestling

A Rant On Tape: As Read By XamfARRR!

XamFARRR: Yar, outside of the Four Dragons Casino in Sin City, SARRRah “The JobbARRR SlayARRR” and Trey Vincent walked towARRRd the front doors. The perfect sunny desert spring weathARRR would not deter Trey and SARRRah from enjoying the wailing police sirens in the distance. As they walked, Trey’s hand was in the back pocket of SARRRRah’s black leathARRRR pants. Kid Pirate stole my gimmick! Ahead of them, a man was washing windows on a laddARRR. Trey was about to walk under the laddARRR to get to the front door when SARRRah yanked him backwARRRd.

“Trey, that’s seven years of bad luck. And you remember what happened last time you walked under a ladder,” Sarah warned.

“Yeah, when was that, 2002? Right around the same time…I started working in BOB? The horror…the horror…”

Trey shoved his tongue in her mouth. Sarah shoved him away.

“Don’t pretend you’re John McCain. You know how that freaks me out.”

“We fucking at yer place or mine tonight? Why do I sound like a pirate again? XamfARRR! Quit it!”

Sarah rolled her eyes. “I’ll call you later,” she said.

“I’ve gotta go do a Rant against Mr. PARRR…*ahem* Mr. Paradox. And I promise I’ll talk to Seth and we’ll get this whole Studnuts thing sorted out,” Trey said as he began walking away backward. “Later!”

Sarah turned around and walked ahead. Before she even realized it, she had passed beneath the ladder.

“Oh, that can’t be good.”

As Sarah reached the front doors, they automatically parted, and a speeding black cat ran between her feet and out into the parking lot.

“Uh, hey, Sarah,” a nervous voice called from within the front doors of the hotel and casino.

“Hey, Door Man. How’s it going?”

“Good. I picked this for you,” he said smiling awkwardly. A five-leaf clover. Sarah cocked an eyebrow. Door Man was non-descript, definitely not a “hottie” in Sarah’s eyes. Thus, he gets no description in this rant, either.

“Anyway, hey, I was wondering if you might wanna hang out sometime. Maybe we could have a movie marathon. Guess what I just got?”

Door Man bent down and picked up a bag. He held it out to Sarah, who reluctantly reached inside and pulled out a stack of movies. “Friday The 13th.” All of them.

“Ladder. Black cat. Friday the 13th. Just, great,” Sarah sighed. “I need a drink. Is the bar open?”

“Yeah. I’m on a break in five minutes.”

“Good for you. Enjoy it. Bye-ee.”

Sarah was then stopped dead in her tracks by an odd sound. A sound that shouldn’t be heard in the middle of a hotel in the middle of the day in the middle of her Rant. The hooting of an owl. Not once. Not twice. But thrice! An owl was in a crate in the middle of a floor.

“Say, Door Man?”

“Yes, Sarah?”

“Why is this owl here?”

“Some zoo guy’s staying here, and he’s appearing on some local talk show with a bunch of animals. You know, like how those guys bring animals on David Letterman?”

Ignoring him, Sarah wandered toward the first-floor restaurant, which had just opened for lunch. She ordered a table for one and was led to a table by the hostess. As she sat down, she noticed some lovely red and white flowers in a vase.

A loud smash echoed through the restaurant. Several waiters and kitchen staff walked out, trying to find the source. One of the restaurants many mirrors had fallen, and glass littered the floor. Nobody had been near it when it fell.

“Wow, that was weird,” said a gravelly voice in front of Sarah.

Death.

“What, haven’t you ever heard that if an undisturbed mirror suddenly falls and smashes, it means there will soon be a Death? Well, the proof is sitting right in front of you.”

“I ordered a table for one,” Sarah pouted. “So, what, you’re saying that I’m having bad luck today or something? Is your name Death or Duh?”

Sarah angrily grabbed her napkin. In the process, she knocked over both the salt and the pepper.

“Today sucks beyond the telling.”

Death chuckled. “So, who are you wrestling at UnFOURgiven after you lose to Steve Studnuts on iMPLOSION?”

“I’m so not losing. Sure, I may be a little unlucky today, but even on my unluckiest day, I’m way hotter and a much better wrestler than Studnuts. Not to mention, my Rants are much less vulgar.” Sarah dug into her shoulder bag and looked at her ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. “Pretty.”

Death got up from the table.

“I’ve gotta go. Oh, by the way, Sarah. Your bag’s on fire.”

Indeed it was.

“Shoot!” Sarah had knocked over a candle onto her bag. “Bad day. Baaaad bad day…”

That’s when Sarah’s cell phone rang.

“The Rant Zone is WHAT?”

Sarah The Jobber Slayer rant Death, e-fed, parody, Sarah "The Jobber Slayer", Trey Vincent, wrestling, Xamfir

The Title! A Rant On Tape: As Read By XamfARRR! Yarrrr! This be–

Sarah: (Voice) Read it right, Xamfir!

Xamfir: Fine. *Sigh*

[Sound of a door closing.]

Sarah “The Jobber Slayer” stood outside a Chinese restARRRant in Sin City’s Chinatown district. She was standing in the middle of the sidewalk, smoking on a cigARRRette and blowing at people passing by. She didn’t smoke. But she liked to annoy Chinese people. And there were so many Chinese people ARRound, it was just like a kid in an Annoy Chinese People Shop.

“We ARRRRe not in Cloudydale anymore.”

“Get outta de way, bronde bitch!” an angry man said, shouldering past BOB’s ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS. He fell to the sidewalk. “You twip me? Aw you out of your fwickin’ mind?”

“Small penis, much?” Sarah smiled widely at him.

The man grumbled, dusted himself off and walks away, flipping off Sarah as he went.

“Sarah!” a man’s voice called. “Yo, Sarah!”

Sarah turned to see her, what the hell WAS Trey Vincent to her anyway? Even SHE didn’t know. They weren’t friends. They weren’t partners. All they did was exchange various fluids. She stared at Trey, almost despising him as he made his way through the crowd of much shorter men and women around him. With a cocky smile, he grabbed her ARRRse, and they began walking.

“ARRRRe you sure we should move in together? This seems so sudden. Plus, couples who move in together always end up breaking up. Assuming we even ARRRRe a couple.”

“Huh?” Trey responded. He pulled earphones out of his ears.

“Nothing,” Sarah sighed. “So what’s the deal with this apARRRtment?”

“Why ARRRRe you talking like a pirate? Wait. Why am I talking like a pirate now?”

“Xamfir! Quit it!” Sarah shouted. Eep!

Trey cleared his throat. “Oh, it’s a steal. It’s got tons of space and it’s cheap as hell.”

“The catch,” Sarah asked.

“Oh, you know, murder-murder-murder-murder-murder-murder-suicide. Satanists may or may not have sacrificed some voodoo priests while peeing on an Indian burial ground in the basement and burying nuns’ bodies in the walls of the foundation. Nothing major though.”

Trey stops walking suddenly.

“What is it?” Sarah asked nervously.

“My hands. They’re possessed!” Trey grabs her breasts. “Well I’m a breast man. Whump whump. Yes I’m a breast man.”

“Trey, 1999 called. It said you’re totally lame. Besides. You’re not making the Chinese people uncomfortable enough. Did you bring a kendo stick? Maybe you could cane my ass?”

“Whoops. Wanna go to the Chinese school and see if they have one of those pointer sticks we could steal?”

“Nah, let’s walk this way,” Sarah said, yanking Trey by his T-shirt.

As they walked down the road, they noticed a couple sitting on a wall and making out near the graveyard. Trey and Sarah looked at each other and headed right for them. Once they were a few feet away, Trey jammed his hand into the front of his pants and began to pretend his was stroking himself. At least I HOPE he was pretending.

“Oh, baby. Don’t. Stop. Now!”

The girl screamed and ran. The guy ran after her. “Freak!”

“You’re making out in graveyard and I’m the freak? Scrub. Hey, don’t you have a match against The Domino you should be Ranting for?” Trey asked.

“Oh, right. The Domino sucks. I’m gonna win,” Sarah said flatly.

“What’s with the tape recorder?”

“I’m working on a novel-style roleplay.”

“Ahhh,” Trey said. “Hey, look, it’s a crumbling temple. Wanna go play with my dreidle?”

“Hey, look. Some guy is mourning over somebody. Isn’t that sad? Trey?”

Before Sarah even realized it, Trey was already in the graveyard.

“WAAAAAAAAH. My wife died. WAHHHHHHH. I have to raise my kids alone, WAHHHHHH!”

“What do I see in him,” Sarah wondered aloud. She pulled her over-the-shoulder bag around and looked inside to see the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. “Oh, right. Pretty.”

Sarah The Jobber Slayer rant e-fed, parody, Sarah "The Jobber Slayer", Trey Vincent, wrestling, Xamfir

Caption: From Massively Cool

Sarah "The ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS": Greetings, BOB viewers. It’s your new ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS and favorite jobber slayer, along with…

Trey Vincent: The Vice President in Charge of Everything, and one-half of the Most Flammable Tag Team Period, Trey Vincent.

Sarah: Is that really your new tag team name?

TV: Sure, why not?

Sarah: Well, what have we got today, Trey?

TV: Well, since Skeeter and Leary were fired, we’re going to do some commentary.

Sarah: Brilliant! By the way, thank you for firing those bastards, and even Dustbuster Boy. Revenge is so sweet.

TV: Hey, I remember the build-up to Grudge Match A-Go-Go. Steve Studnuts was using his power to get his way backstage and stacking the odds against you. That S.O.B.

Sarah: Finally, everyone who has wronged me is gone, except for Steve. When’s he going?

TV: Now, Sarah. Studs is my buddy. We’re iAd. I’m not getting in the middle of this thing. Let’s just do the commentary. *Ahem*

[Back to the ballroom. "Soemwhere I Belong" by Linkin Park is playing. The mysterious Soem Guy In A Mask steps out wearing all black and a "Come Get Soem" T-shirt. He apparently is looking to slap hands, but nobody offers any. Poor guy.]

TV: You even had Detached Narrator fooled.

Sarah: It was so hard to hide my boobs.

TV: You should never hide those boobs. From me, anyway. Fuck everyone else.

NH: The following is a Fourplay Match. Introducing first, he hails from Soemwhere and weighs soemthing, this is Soem Guy In A Mask.
Styles: This is a return of sorts for Soem Guy…I think. There was a Soem Guy In A Mask who appeared in BOB previously in 2000. Does that look like the same guy to you?
SW: All masked jobbers look the same to me, Styles. Though he does have a nice ass.

TV: Gotta give Scotty props. Even though you were dressed as a guy, he still had his chick radar on. Scary, isn’t it?

Styles: Excuse me?

Sarah: The only thing scarier would be a gay Scotty, honestly. Scotty knows a hot ass when he sees one. And you all know that’s exactly what I got. No junk in this trunk.

TV: I can fix that after this commentary.

Sarah: Oh yeah?

SW: Did I say that out loud?
Styles: You most certainly did.
SW: Shit, am I turning gay? I know I’ve heard of heel turns, but GAY turns? Oh man…*Slap slap slap* Get it together Scotty. That’s a dude!
Styles: Yeah, keep going. Scotty is slapping himself silly.

TV: We should fast-forward to the best parts. Yours. Besides, the only thing you’ll miss here is a great line one of the bookers lifted from the "Colbert Report." Something about a mouse being killed instantly.

Sarah: Was that bit with the mouse a rib on Dustin Rhodes’ latest triumphant gimmick in TNA, the one with the rat?

TV: Probably. Oh, and the line about Luger and the stroke! Brilliant! But we miss that because I’m fast-forwarding as you can plainly see here in front of you.

Sarah: We should’ve gotten into the MST studio for this.

TV: Oh. Now you think of it. Tom and Crow would’ve loved to do commentary with you. Maybe next time I have some time to kill we’ll head over to the Satellite of Love and hang with the bots, do some commentating…ah, here we go.



Styles: And Kevin just tagged in Soem Guy.

SW: This should be….soemthing.

Styles: Both men circling each other. Are you staring at his ass, Scotty?

SW: …No. Fuck you.

TV: *Laughs* It was so funny to see Scotty struggle with his sexuality.

Sarah: I should have sent him a jock to really mess with him. Once he got a whiff, he’d be REALLY confused.

Styles: Soem Guy charges, but right into a heel kick from Jim. Soem Guy bails out to the floor. Incoming! Jim with a cross body to the floor. Jim sending Soem Guy back into the ring for soem more punishment.

Sarah: This is where the fun began with Jim "Totally Packaged." See? I already beat him in this match. How does HE deserve to face Death for MY title?

TV: Right. If Jim had simply beaten you…

Sarah: He can’t beat me!

TV: Right. I said if. IF! *Sigh*

SW: So if this is a Fourplay match, does that mean only chicks watching are enjoying this right now? Because I sure as hell am not.

Styles: Jim is dominating at the moment. Soem Guy tags out to Kevin.

Sarah: No sense wasting my energy on such inferior jobbers.

TV: Whoa. You’re calling Jim "Totally Packaged" a jobber?

Sarah: Everyone’s a jobber when compared to me. Even you.

TV: The fuck? I’m a sports entertainment icon!

Sarah: Oh yeah. You’re a tag champ. Forgot. *Snort*

TV: You have turned into such a bitch since you turned heel. I’m so aroused right now.

Sarah: Fast-forward this stuff.

TV: Right. Here’s a bunch of stuff and…here we go…did we ever figure out how Dr. Thrilla and Paradox got rehired, or did that go down the memory hole like so many other angles here?

Sarah: No clue. I have a feeling it’ll turn out to be BigBOSS though, since, you know, he runs the place. Occasionally.

Styles: There’s a tag for Soem Guy. Springboard hoodanconrana! That was soem hoodanconrana, Scotty. Spin kick. Spin jab. Wow, what technique. I wonder if Soem Guy knows soem karate or martial arts.

Sarah: Clue, clue!

SW: I wonder if Kevin has been taking lessons on being a punching bag, because if so, he’s a pro at it. Soem Guy is putting the hurt on that green-haired teenage goof.

Sarah: That’s quite the partner you have there, Trey.

TV: Yeah, well, at least I didn’t authorize hiring some bald-Texan who has still yet to earn his gigantic contract. The term "return on investment" is thrown around a lot these days…but I’m getting way more out of Kevin then Luke Warm. We might as well call ourselves WCW and hiring Luke was like hiring Hulk Hogan, except we’re getting even LESS out of Luke Warm.

Sarah: But those movies were cute. Maybe it was like WCW hiring the Ultimate Warrior? Oh, fast-forward again. This part’s boring.

Styles: Soem Guy charges, but right into a Krew Kutter! Here comes Thrilla. Krew Kutter for Thrilla. Cover on Soem Guy! One! Two and no! Soem Guy soemhow kicked out. Jim might have gotten the pin if not for Dr. Thrilla getting involved there.

Sarah: I’m a champion. That’s why I kicked out.

TV: Well, that, and it wasn’t the ending I booked.

Sarah: Take that up your ass, Kay Fabe! You have just been BROKEN!

TV: Are you girls still not made up yet?

SW: Kevin’s boots were made for burning.
Styles: Flaming dropkick takes down Jim!
[Flunky sprays Kevin again with the extinguisher, knocking him over.]

Sarah: We’re NFF’s. Not Friends Forever.

TV: So sad. I had hoped to get the two of you in bed someday, with Seth’s blessing of course.

Sarah: Right. Like that would ever happen.

TV: So…you’re open to it then?

Sarah: … Shut up, Trey.

Styles: Everybody is down and out. Thrilla’s up first. Soem Guy charges, Thrilla ducks. Sunset flip! One! Two! Kevin with a crossbody of sorts! One! Two! Soem Guy kicks out. Jim’s back up. He’s got Kevin! Fisherman Krewplex! One! Two! Soem Guy with a springboard splash! Cover! One! Two! Thrilla breaks it up! Wow, the pace picked up in this one.

TV: Nice spots.

Sarah: B-O-B! B-O-B!

SW: Well, anything looks like an improvement when you’re starting at zero miles an hour.
Styles: Thrilla grabs Kevin. Powerbomb coming up. Hold on… Oh my GOD!
SW: BWAHAHAHA! Oh man!
Styles: How do you describe that one, Scotty?

TV: Sweetest move ever! I’m surprised Kevin’s face didn’t cave in.

Sarah: Hey, this isn’t MST. Stop the inside jokes. Now! Do I look like a pale trenchcoat wearing cruiserweight?

SW: Well…Thrilla was trying for a powerbomb on Kevin, then Jim and Soem Guy came up from behind him and hit a double back suplex sort of thing, which simultaneously drove Kevin face first into the mat!
Styles: I’ve never seen anything like that before.
SW: That’s because any sane people would never try crazy bumps like that!
Styles: It’s safe to say Kevin won’t be much of a factor in this one for the rest of the way. Oh man! Soem Guy just connected with one hell of a superkick to Jim.

Sarah: Styles loves my wrestling style. Could it be because, hmm, he trained me or something?

TV: Yeah. He’s such a mark. Styles must be so embarrassed now, to find out that this new character who came into BOB and Styles marked out for and thought he was great, only to find out it was just a longtime BOB veteran pretending to be some new character.

Sarah: Yeah. How lame is it to be Styles?

[Jim collapses throat first on the middle rope.]
Styles: Soem Guy looking to hit the 555?
SW: 555? Oh, I get it, instead of the 619. How clever, Styles.

Sarah: Thanks for feeding Styles that name.

TV: Sarah Mysterio. Though you did a terrible impersonation of him. You actually won your matches. *Laughs*

Sarah: *Laughs*

TV: Now we can simply call it the 469. Since you definitely are.

Styles: 555 connects. Soem Guy’s on the apron. Here comes the Soem Kind Of Finisher! HOODANCANRANA ROLLUP! ONE! TWO! THREE? HEGOTHIM!
SW: What? Jim jobbed to a masked jobber? Who did HE piss off?

TV: Me! Trey the Gay? I think not. I’m not the one hanging around with Da Sassy Bitch. I’m hanging around with Sarah. Who never even once gave into the temptation of lesbianism, even though she had Kay Fabe drooling over her for like eight years straight.

Sarah: I also did give into the temptation of you for like, six years.

TV: Yeah, but you can’t resist my charms forever. No chick can. If I just kept begging and pleading, you all eventually get sick of it and give in. Or, if I slip them a roofie. Either way…


NH: Here is your winner, Soem Guy In A Mask!

Crowd: WTF! WTF! WTF! WTF!

Styles: This is unbelievable. Let me go try and grab an interview with that masked man.

TV: And here’s Styles going into business for himself. What’s up with this?

Sarah: Yeah. He ruined my moment. I had to run and couldn’t even soak up the stupid chants of the loser smarks in the crowd.



SW: Uh…OK.

[Styles heads to the ring.]

Styles: Excuse me, Soem Guy?

[Soem Guy turns around. His eyes go wide, and Soem Guy bolts out of the ring and runs at top speed up the aisle and out of the ballroom.]

SW: The hell?

Styles: Um…

SW: Way to go, Styles. I guess Soem Guy’s a little hot. SHY! I meant…fuck me…

Sarah: In your dreams.

TV: In my reality. Woohoo!

Sarah: So, this has been our mini-commentary on my debut match. We’ll be back with more installments, revealing our master plan and belittling everyone in this fed along the way.

TV: Good times, good times. Later jackfucks!

Sarah The Jobber Slayer rant e-fed, e-wrestling, parody, Sarah "The Jobber Slayer", Trey Vincent, wrestling

It was a dark and forboding night in Cloudydale. As usual. Sarah “The Jobber Slayer” was out on a stroll around town. The backyard rings were quiet tonight. Probably the giant snow storm. But snow never stopped Sarah from strolling. Jobbers never sleep. Except when they do. Usually when there’s not a BOB rant or show in progress.

Sarah trudged through the snow on the dark and forboding, cold and snowy night, through several inches of snow. Then, in the distance, she saw a human-like figure heading toward her. As she got closer, she discovered it was another woman out on a walk. Now, this being Cloudydale, a place crawling with jobbers….Sarah was quite suspcious.

As the two women slowly fought their way through the wind, snow and dark forboding of the night, their eyes met.

“Are you a j-j-j-jobber?” Sarah asked, her teeth chattering.

“What?”

“ARE YOU A JOBBER!”

“No!”

“YOU SURE?”

“YEAH. I’m just a valet. Of this jobber named Xamfir!”

“Z-Z-Z-Xamfir?” Sarah asked, wrapping her arms around herself in an attempt to get warm. “Did I miss some p-p-p-plot development?”

“APPARENTLY!”

“Hmm. Wanna get out of these wet clothes?”

“Oh God. Are you his lesbian friend?”

“Huh? No. I’m S-S-Sarah. And I’m highly regretting not wearing my heated p-p-panties tonight.”

“Sarah. The Jobber Slayer?”

“What? You know about me? Man, this secret identity thing just stops working once you get on TV.”

“I know everything that is, was and ever will be. And Sarah….”

“Yes?”

“Umm…sorry, I forgot my line…”

Sarah rolled her eyes. “Gee, you’d think with knowing everything that is, was and ever will be, you’d know your LINES!”

“No need to get snippy!”

“Yes there is! I’m cold. I don’t have a boyfriend. The BOB pay-per-view hasn’t aired yet. And my ex-boyfriend has gone insane, claiming that something bad is about to rise in BOB.”

“Oh, right. There is. A dark power is growing.” Putting on her deep, dark, scary voice, Jeannie spoke the words that touched Sarah to her very soul: “From sixty-four, down to one.”

“From….Little Good said the same thing. But what does it mean?”

Jeannie grabbed Sarah by both arms. “In terms you can understand: Serious badness.”

Suddenly, Jeannie and Sarah weren’t alone in the snow storm. There were four jobbers ready to strike. But not just ANY kind of jobbers.

Jobbers in penguin suits!

“The freaks come out at night,” Sarah said. “OK boys. We can do this the easy way, or…”

They all pulled out fluroscent bulbs wrapped in barbed wire.

“Ohhhhhhhhh-kay,” Sarah said. “A new backyard fed in town?”

“That’s right. The Super Deth Kill Backyard Wrestling Federation!” one of the penguins said.

“WE’RE HARDKORE!”

Sarah slowly reached into her long, trenchcoat pocket and pulled out a handful of banana peels.
WHIP. “Ahhhh! Get it off!!” one of the men cried. But WHIP, WHIP, WHIP! All four of the penguins had banana peels stuck to their faces! Sarah seized the opportunity as some kickass fight music piped on to kick, kick, kick and kick some more. Spin kick on the first man.

“Now, not only can you penguins not fly,” CRACK went his kneecap, “you can’t ever job again!”

But there were three more to deal with. Sarah evaded a barbed wire bulb, slipping on the snow in the process as Jeannie looked at her watch impatiently. Sarah slid around and leg swept one man and the rest fell over like bowling pins. Sarah grabbed a handful of snow and threw it at them.

“AHHH! I’M BLIND!” one of the men cried.

“Hey, you’re playing DIRTY,” one of the others complained.

“I’m a dirty girl,” she said from her fight stance.

And then she flew through the air, kicking him in the midsection.

“Just say no to,” CRACK. “Oopsie.” There went his kneecap.

Two left. They got up, one of the men still blinded by the snow in the eyes trick. The other one still had a frozen banana peel stuck to his nose. That had to be hurting his oxygen intake. His breathing. Yeah. Sarah was surrounded.

They charged.

She ducked down and extended her fists.

Groin shots.

Both men bent over in pain. Sarah hit a double Jobber Dropper, crushing their faces into the snow. Sarah quickly managed to go after their legs and CRACK, CRACK.

“Phew,” Sarah said wiping her brow with a snowy glove. “That warmed me right up.”

“Where did the jobbers go?” Jeannie asked.

“Once their legs are broken, they just, disappear.”

“Huh. Oh well. Well…none of this will matter after it all comes down to one.”

Sarah stared at her. Then she rolled her eyes. “Let me guess…”

TO BE CONTINUED…

Sarah The Jobber Slayer rant efed, ewrestling, fantasy wrestling, Jeannie, Little Good, parody, roleplay, Sarah "The Jobber Slayer", Xamfir

Xamfir paced back and forth in his little apartment. He had put his clothes back on, at the wishmistress’ request. She stood on the bed, staring down at Xamfir as he paced, in deep thought.

“I’ll call you Jeannie. That’s a very sexy name.”

“That’s what you’ve been thinking about for the last hour? I thought you were trying to come up with three wishes I will grant you which, in an ironic twist, also bring horrible, unspeakable tragedies to balance out the scales.”

“Umkay. Anyway,” Xamfir kneeled down under the bed and pulled out a shoebox. Inside, was a scrolled up piece of paper. So thick, it could have passed as a roll of double-ply toilet paper. Oh wait. That IS a roll of toilet paper.

“I need to go make a number 2,” Xamfir said before running into the bathroom.

Jeannie rolled her eyes. “Of all the people in all the world to buy the little tea pot, why did HE have to buy it?

[Sarah's house.]

“I’m your sister,” the girl outside the front door said.

“Oh, OK,” Sarah said.

Styles and Kay Fabe nodded in agreement, as if that announcement made total sense. And it did! After all, THEY’RE SISTERS! Sisters know that sort of stuff.

“We were gonna go to the mall to help Kay try on referee shirts for her gravy and potato bowl match. Wanna come with?”

“No, I’m good here. Got tons of unpacking to do.” She stepped aside to reveal an orange and white U-Haul truck in the driveway.

“Kay Fabe says there’s no way to get our car out of the driveway with that truck in the way.”

“Pardon, me, but, um, you HAVE a car?”

They all looked at the driveway. No car there.

“Well, that was completely pointless,” Styles said flatly.

“Do you want Kay Fabe to lay the carpet down? Do you want to go ONE, on, ONE, with the LESBIAN!”

“Settle down Beavis,” Butt-Head said from somewhere.

Everyone laughed.

“Thanks Butt-Head.”

“Huh-huh-huh, huh-huh-huh,” was the reply from nowhere in particular.

[At a hospital.]

“This is a rather, tricky and experimental treatment. Are you sure you’re up to it?” a doctor asked a patient.

“Bloody right I’m sure,” the man answered. He was laying down on a metal table in a doctor’s office. All we could see was his peroxide colored hair. Take a guess who it is.

“OK,” the doctor said a bit nervously. “If you’re sure this will help.”

The doctor went over to his tray of tools. His hand passed over a pair of scissors, knives, scalpels, a hammer, a screwdriver, dental floss, duct tape and eventually came to a little vial with a bunch of little moving black objects inside.

“I want this CHIP outta my brain doc. Then I can truly be evil. Completely evil. Evilly evil. Ya dig?”

“All accept the ‘ya dig’ part, yes.” Carefully, the doctor inserted a straw into the vial with the little black objects. He then walked back over to the mysterious person with a chip in his brain.

“This may tickle a little bit.”

The doctor stuck the straw up his nose.

“Pretend you’re snorting some coke.”

“What?” the blonde-haired patient asked.

“Oh, sorry. I thought everyone hadnevermind. Um. Just inhale deeply.”

He did.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!”

[Back at Xamfir's.]

“Okay,” Xamfir said, finally ready to get down to business.

He took out a green three-ring binder filled with paper. You could even say overfilled. On the front cover, it said THINGS TO WISH FOR IN CASE I FIND A GENIE IN A BOTTLE.

“Wish number one. I wish you to only do MY bidding.”

“D’oh!” was her response.

“Number two. I wish you to be my sex slave!”

“Oh man,” she sighed. “Why did I let Mom convince me this was a good career choice. I’m ever so screwed.”

“Not yet you aren’t,” Xamfir said with a grin. “Kissing my virginity goodbye! And for my third and *ahem* FINAL *titter* wish *snort* I wish for INFINITE WISHES!”

“Oh my God. This is SO unfair. Of all the people to get, I get a guy who has been planning his whole life to find a genie in a bottle.”

“Well, that’s a good enough start. Now” Xamfir raised his eyebrows and took off his shirt. Revealing his nice big belly.

Jeannie shook her head. Robot-like, she answered her call. “Yes master. May I have sex with you now?”

“OH WAIT!” Xamfir belted out. “Before we have hot monkey sex, there are a couple things I want to wish for.”

“Yes master?”

“I wish I will win the world’s smallest battle royal at A Chance Would Be A Fine Thing.”

“Done,” Jeannie said.

“And, I wish that A Chance Would Be A Fine Thing would be posted on the BOB site by the end of the week.”

Jeannie laughed hysterically.

[Back at Sarah's house.]

“So your name is Dusk huh?” Kay asked.

“Yep,” Dusk, Sarah’s sister answered. She’s her sister ya know?

“There are two things that go down every night. One is the sun. The other is”

“KAY!” Sarah yelled.

“Exactly!” Kay answered.

“Don’t hit on my sister! She’s only…um”

“Sixteen! WHY DO YOU ALWAYS FORGET MY BIRTHDAY! I HATE YOU! WHY DO YOU PEOPLE HATE ME SO MUCH!”

“We don’t even know you,” Styles said.

“Oh, right. Guess I’m jumping ahead a bit. My bad.”

“It’s OK,” Sarah said hugging her sister. Dusk.

“Well,” Kay said. “I’m going to cook dinner. Want to help me Dusk?”

“Um, OK?”

“Fantastic,” Kay smiled. “Let’s go to the kitchen.” Kay grabbed Dusk’s hand and started leading her away. “Now, so you don’t get anything on your shirt, maybe you should take it off.”

“No, thanks, that’s OK,” Dusk said nervously.

“Well, OK,” Kay said.

Once they were out of the room, it should’ve been time to gossip about the new arrival. But instead

The front door OPENED. Slowly. So slowly that Sarah and Styles consulted their watches a couple of times and sighed a combined five times. Just waiting. Sarah wasn’t in the mood for drama so she walked over and opened it.

Little Good was on the front steps, his head in his hands. He began ranting and raving.

“I have seen the bloody future,” he said rocking back and forth. “Bodies falling. Upsets. Tossers. Mass chaos. Power struggles. Basketballs. Title changes. Lies. Deceit. Pain. Agony. Cheering crowds. Riots. Bugger! Slam dunks!”

VERY SCARY MUSIC SUDDENLY CAME ON.

Little Good looked up at Sarah and Styles, eyes filled with terror.

He pointed up. “From sixty-four,” he then pointed down, “down to one.”

He then tipped over and rolled up into a ball.

“Well, he’s quite mad,” Styles said.

TO BE CONTINUED

Sarah The Jobber Slayer rant efed, ewrestling, Jeannie, Kay Fabe, Little Good, parody, Sarah "The Jobber Slayer", Xamfir

Cloudydale. A place that Sarah “The Jobber Slayer,” Kay Fabe and Xamfir (and Styles and Little Good to a lesser extent) put on the map. Granted, not Rand McNally’s map, but on the parody e-wrestling map. The place is legendary, giving us the beautiful Sarah, the hot lesbian Kay and, well, the other guys. Do you even remember the last time this group was together? If so, you’re a loser, because even I, the writer, don’t remember their last exploits. But tonight, that all changes. Because it is time, to head back, to Cloudydale!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So let’s get to it:

Xamfir was out antiqueing in some dusty old shop in town. He was looking over various items on a shelf, including pots, pans, glasses, bongs and dildos, when he noticed a tea kettle on the bottom shelf.

“Wow, a dirty tea kettle!”

He went up to the register and put down the tea kettle. The woman behind the counter looked down at the kettle, then up at Xamfir.

“Are you SURE, you want to buy this tea kettle?”

“No,” Xamfir said. “I mean, yes. I mean. I don’t know.”

The woman smiled. “This will be too easy for you,” she said patting the handle of the kettle.
Xamfir looked down at the kettle.

“MWAHAHAHA,” the woman began to laugh. “That will be $20. MWAHAHAHAHA.”

“What’s so funny?” Xamfir asked. “Is this a cursed tea kettle or something?”

“No,” she said with one last snort. “But, on a completely unrelated note, ALL SALES FINAL!” After putting the money in her drawers, she bagged his kettle. “Thank you. Come again.”

Xamfir slowly walked out the door as the lady MWAHAHAHAed a couple more times.

“This can’t be good,” Xamfir said.

Cue that opening theme song, “Temptation Waits.” Hey, I remember when that happened. Oh that was a good promo. LOL! Oh man, that was funny. This Rant stars Sarah. Kay Fabe. Xamfir. And special guest star…..STYLES! The Slayaholics are back baby! WOOOO!

“I’ll send an SOS to the world, I’ll send an SOS to the world, I hope that someone gets my, I hope that someone gets my, I hope that someone gets my message in a bottle,” sang out Sting’s beautiful voice.

Meanwhile, another beautiful thing was in the room. Er, person. Sarah “The Jobber Slayer.” She sat against the pillows in her bed, knees curled up to her lovely chest, just listening to the music.

And staring at her target on the wall.

Trey Vincent. With a big red circle and a bulls eye around his cocky face.

Knock, knock.

Sarah looked up. Kay Fabe was standing there in nothing but a white towel. Her voluptuous milk-white breasts wanted to just spill over the towel, or maybe I’m just wishing that would happen, but they didn’t.

“FINALLYKay Fabe, HAS COME BACKTo Sarah’s room. Hello Sarah.”

“Hey Kay.”

“What in the pink hell is wrong with you?” Kay asked.

“I dunno. It’s just…with Angel going back to Heaven, I’m just feeling kinda…”

“Horny?” Kay said licking her lips with the Lesbian’s Tongue.

“No, God,” she said all disgusted-like. “I feel like I’ve lost my smile for efedding.”

“You had a smile?”

“I want to do some goodness with my newly won booking power. But I don’t know what I should do first. All I know is I want to get rid of Trey Vincent, Steve Studnuts and Seth Harker and get back to what I do best. Slaying jobbers. They SO screwed up my gimmick.”

Sarah stared at Vincent’s smiling face on her wall.

“Well, Kay Fabe will be in the bathtub with her hot gravy.”

Sarah raised both her eyebrows.

“You heard the Lesbian opening all those cans of gravy before, right?”

“Ahh. Is that what you were up to,” Sarah said, sounding a bit relieved. “Didn’t know we had an electric can opener.”

Kay looked puzzled. “We don’t.”

Now Sarah was puzzled.

“Want to come with? Kay Fabe could pin you in the gravy and then try to count three.”

“I’ll pass. But we’re still on for later. I will help you try out referee shirts at the mall.”

“Cool.”

Meanwhile, Xamfir got back to his basement apartment. He tipped his sack over and the kettle fell out onto the bed. He looked at it, then quickly pulled off his shoes, pants, underwear and shirt and sat on the bed. He used his shirt and began rubbing.

THE KETTLE!

Man, you guys are sick.

As he began rubbing, harder and harder, faster and faster, a strange thing happened.
Something came out.

OF THE KETTLE! How many times do.forget it.

It was an amorphous form. It oozed out from the tip.

STOP IT PEOPLE!

And slowly began to take shape. Before Xamfir.

It was a hot woman with shortish blonde hair. She was dressed like a genie. Oddly enough, she just might have been one.

“Hello. I am your wishmaster. Your wish is my command.”

Naked Xamfir looked up at her, mouth hanging open. Perhaps wondering if he should do the Snoopy dance, or something far more important. Something that could change his life forever. And ever. AND EVER!

But you won’t know because Sarah and Kay are about to head out the front door of Sarah’s house, where apparently, Sarah and Kay are roommates, for more plot development.

But no time for minor details like that, because Styles burts in!

“OH MY GOD! Sarah, don’t you want me to be your Commentator anymore?”

Sarah shrugs. “No big. You can go announce matches and say Oh my god and all that goodness. It’s all gravy.”

“Kay Fabe was just NAKED in a bathtub full of gravy! So if you smell what Kay Fabe is cooking. It’s gravy.”

“Wanna come to the mall?” Sarah asked Styles.

“Sure.”

They opened the door.

There was a beautiful, thin, teen-age girl with long brown hair there. Looking kinda awkward.

“Who are you?” Sarah asked.

“I’m your sister.”

[To be continued....]

Sarah The Jobber Slayer rant e-fed, e-wrestling, fantasy wrestling, Kay Fabe, Michelle, parody, rant, roleplay, Sarah "The Jobber Slayer", seth harker, Steve Studnuts, Styles, Trey Vincent, Xamfir

We open on a milk carton with the logo of BOB HardXcore Polarvision. Over the logo is the line: Have you seen HardXcore Polarvision 4?

Oddly enough, the milk carton is sitting in the middle of a ring. A Brawlers On a Budget ring. Not surprisingly, none of the roster is around working. Just like the Rant Zone! But I digress….

As the camera pulls back, we see a little boy with a sad look on his face. A tear runs down his face. He is wearing a blue flannel shirt over a black T-shirt, a plain black baseball cap and big blue pants.

“I’ve been waiting sooooo long for this show,” the boy said. “I had hoped to see it before the cancer completely eats up my insides. I was given six months to live.” He sniffles. “Damn you BOB. You’re all gonna go to hell. My cancer has only gotten worse since those guys in the iAd came to BOB. Now I just don’t care about this place anymore. Screw it, I’m gonna go check out my grave site.”

“I don’t believe you,” a woman’s voice said.

The boy gasped. He got up and came face to stomach with the beautiful Sarah “The Jobber Slayer.” She was wearing a black belly shirt, white skirt and knee-high black boots. Sarah looked down at the milk carton in the ring and picked it up.

“Yeah. I’ve been looking everywhere for it. But I’m sure it’ll turn up someday. And you know it’ll be good since I’ll be on it. You’ve got to see what I do to the iAd.”

“Can’t you just tell me?”

“No.”

“You’re denying a dying boy his wish?”

“Yes.”

“You’re cold.”

“Well, being dead will do that to you.”

“You died?”

“Three times.”

“Really?”

“The first time, it was at my senior promo.”

“Don’t you mean prom?”

“No. Since I’m a jobber Slayer, I didn’t get a senior prom. Instead, I had to do a promo. But that’s not the point. The point is, I show up to the set, and Kay Fabe and I were wearing the same blue backless dress. I died. Of embarrassment.”

The kid rolled his eyes.

“It happened a couple more times. Once when Little Good and I got caught…well, I probably shouldn’t tell you that one. And then there was that whole thing where somebody who shall remain nameless claimed he killed my career. But I came back. Granted, to BOB, but I came back. And I’m sure you can beat whatever’s wrong with you.”

“I’ve got cancer.”

“Cancer? Aw, I’m sorry kid. I had no idea. I thought you were just dying of boredom, not dying, dying. My bad.”

“No big.”

“Hey, that’s my line. But that’s OK,” she says messing up his hair with her right hand. “With you dying and all, you can use all my lines you want.”

“Hey, since I’m dying and all….I was wondering. I had one wish I was hoping maybe you could make come true. I fell in love with you the second I saw you wrestle. You’re so hot. And I’ll never get to be with a woman. So, I’d never ask to sleep with you, but I could die a happy boy if you would do me the honor of seeing your boobies.”

“Well…”

“Or your HEY NOW.”

“Ummm….well….I guess I should. I mean, you are dying and all.”

“Yeah I am.”

Sarah looks at the camera and then turns her back. She lifts up the front of the shirt as the cameraman rushes around trying to get a glimpse. But alas, it is over too quick. Unless there was somebody in the shadows taking a picture from the other side. Wouldn’t that be just perfect timing? And that might explain that bright blue flash. Uh oh.

The kid starts laughing.

“You’re one dumb bitch.”

“What did you say?”

“Nice tits and all, but now I’ve got ‘em on film. Ha ha!”

The kid pulls out brass knuckles and punches her in the face! Sarah falls down and is unconscious.
The kid looks at the camera.

“Hmm. That was easier than I thought. All you losers couldn’t stop the Slayer. But a little 12-year-old kid has knocked out the bitch. What the fuck’s wrong with you idiots out there. Now I can have my way with this ho. Word to the motherfucker. Now get the fuck out of here!”

The kid pushes the cameraman down and takes out a gun.

“Let’s play race the bullet.”

The camera falls to the floor and we hear racing footsteps get quieter and quieter. Then a door opens and tires squeal.

The kid picks up the camera and turns it onto Sarah.

“Sleazy-C is in the hizouse! Now let’s film a porno movie and sell it over the Internet! Oh yeah. You see Sarah, I am the jobber who will take your ass out. I am the boy who is going to end your Slaying career. I am going to poke you, pin you and laugh all the way to the bank. And I am going to lead the Jobbers With Attitude to the top. As Executive Producer, beyotch.”

“Sarah!”

It’s Little Good.

“Bloody hell,” he said.

“Hey man, why you wreckin’ my shit? I’ll fuck you up bad, man,” C said. Sleazy-C raised the barrel of the gun and lined it up with Little Good’s head. Little Good stopped dead in his tracks.

Sleazy-C squeezed the trigger.

And Little Good was left a yellow, smelly mess. The camera then flew through the air, crashed, and the promo ended abruptly.

Sarah The Jobber Slayer rant brawlers on a budget, e-fed, e-wrestling, fantasy wrestling, Kay Fabe, Little Good, Sarah "The Jobber Slayer", Sleazy-C

Previously, on Sarah:

“Is The Domino dead? How did he possess Kay?” Sarah asks.

“He must be dead. I bet the WWF had him killed, and now he’s returned from beyond the grave to carry out some sort of vengeance. But you shouldn’t worry,” Styles says.

*****************************

“Kay Fabe is dead, monkey crap. The Domino has stolen her beautiful body to call home. And all women, especially Sarah, are invited in, any time, any place,” Kay says.

*****************************

“Oh my God, wait,” Styles says. “If Kay believes she is The Domino, she can’t, as some would, change their gimmick. In Kay Fabe’s world, gimmicks don’t exist. We may have to take more drastic action.”

“Kay, I’m sorry,” Sarah says.

Suddenly, Sarah’s foot is in Kay’s face. Kay, unprepared for the kick, falls back and her head bounces off the court. Her world becomes….

Black.

_________________________________________________

[Little Good's apartment.]

He is sitting in his recliner, watching an episode of “Seventh Heaven” on the tele. Sarah walks out of the bedroom, wearing only a long blue pajama top. She looks at the TV, then at Little Good.

“You disgust me. How can you watch such wholesome, family valuesy stuff like this?” she asks.

“Umm, because it, uh…”

“Jessica Biel?”

He sighs. “Yeah.”

“If you had a choice between me and her, who would you pick?”

“Honestly, Jessica.”

Sarah charges at Little Good and kicks him in the chin. He tips over backwards, as does the recliner, trapping him underneath. Sarah tosses the chair aside and picks him up by the throat.

“Listen up, with the last few weeks I’ve been having, I don’t need to know that my loser boyfriend would rather be with someone else. I haven’t won. Twice! First March Mayhem, then of all things, to Joanie Laurer!”

“Don’t forget about Gluttons For Punishment thing too. That’s three. Granted you came in second, but I thought you couldn’t be beaten. Sounds like you’ve done you’re own right share of ‘jobbing’ in BOB.”

Her eyes open wide in anger and she whips him around and throws him into the wall. He becomes part of the wall as his backside makes a huge indent.

“Owww!” Little Good yells. “That hurts, y’know.”

Little Good breaks free, grabs Sarah’s arms and whips her around and makes a new dent in the same wall.

“Owww.”

Sarah punches Little Good.

Little Good punches Sarah back.

He throws her onto the bear skin rug on the floor and they begin throwing off clothes and violently kissing each other.

[Xamfir's bedroom.]

“Sarah said she’d be here,” Xamfir says apologetically.

“THE….I mean, I’m used to it,” Kay says. “Let me ask you something Xamfir.”

“OK.”

“Do you like….pie?”

“Yeah. Who doesn’t?”

A mouse runs in between them. They’re sitting on his bed. Did I forget to mention that? Well they are. Xamfir sees the mouse and smiles widely. Heputs his hand over the little white creature, trapping him. He stands up and starts to pull his sweatpants down, but…

“Whoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoa, WHOA!” Kay says, standing up and retreating. “What in the BLUE HELL are you doing?”

Xamfir stares at Kay, tense, paralyzed, with his sweatpants a few inches below the waistline, but still not revealing anything too hairy. His frozen status breaks when he chuckles and pulls his pants back up completely.

“Nothing,” Xamfir says with a nervous laugh.

“Were you going to take that mouse……turn him sideways…..and stick him straight up your CANDY ASS?”
“You know Kay…you’re still using a lot of The Domino’s catchphrases.”

“Um, hello, mouse, ass…”

“Call it even? Forget the whole thing?” Xamfir suggests.

“Deal.”

[Little Good's bathroom.]

Sarah and Little Good are wrapped up in Little Good’s shower curtain in his bathtub.

“I can’t help but feel I forgot to do something,” Sarah says, looking puzzled.

“You can still go south of the border on me. Just give me a few minutes.”

“No,” Sarah says twisting his nipple.

“Hey!”

“God, you’re so disgusting.”

“I’m Little Good, baby.”

[Xamfir's kitchen.]

Xamfir pulls out a package of American cheese slices. He pulls of the wrappers and fills up a dinner plate with 24 slices. He eats….

One piece.

Two pieces.

Three pieces.

What?

Four pieces of cheese.

Kay is still there.

Five pieces.
“You’ve got some naughty intentions, don’t you? You’re gonna eat cheese in hopes the mouse goes looking for it, like your sphincter is a maze.”

Six pieces. He sighs.

“If you’re just gonna keep making accusations, you can go somewhere else. Lesbian! You’re going to Hell!”

Seven pieces.

Eight pieces.

“What ever happened to your dog,” Kay asks. “The one that was raped and you thought needed an abortion.”

“Damn it. I forgot all about that, we haven’t promoed for so long. I should go to Sarah’s….tomorrow.”

Nine pieces.

Ten pieces.

“THE….I mean, I’m, getting out of here and going somewhere, that isn’t here.”

Eleven pieces.

[Styles' place.]

Styles is on the phone.

“OH MY GOD! That’s great news. Thank you. It’ll give me something to do finally.”

[Jeers.]

Kay walks into the bar.

Everyone: “Kay!”

“Shut up jabroneys.” She walks to the bar. Kay is wearing Elvis-like sunglasses, a Scorpion Queen T-shirt and black workout pants.

The door opens. It’s Styles! But Kay doesn’t notice him. Giving us….that’s right, plot development.

“Give The Domino a martini…..not shaken, but stirred!”

Styles gasps! Then he runs out the door.

[Xamfir's bed...a few minutes later.]

Xamfir is on his bed, holding his stomach.

“So, much, cheese.”

He pulls the mouse from his T-shirt pocket and gets nose to nose with it.

“Hope you can smell the cheese through everything else I ate.”

He sits up and gets under the blanket, PG-13 style. Then he takes off his sweatpants and….

Styles barges in!

Styles looks at Xamfir, who is holding the mouse by the tail and has his legs up under the blanket, tent-style.

Guess what Styles says.

Styles runs out.

Xamfir drops the mouse.

[Little Good's apartment, yet more minutes later.]

The couple is in bed. Covered in peanut butter. And ice cream. And whipped cream. Little Good is eating a cherry off of Sarah while Sarah eats a banana off Little Good.

Styles barges in!

“OH MY GOD!”

They look up at him.

“Human sundaes? I’m so hungry all of a sudden.”

“Why in the bloody hell are you here,” Little Good asks, “and you might want to add I’m quite annoyed.”

“Two shocking plot developments. First, I’ve bought Jeers. So I went there…”

“You bought Jeers?” Little Good interrupts. “You’re not gonna clean it up, are ya? A fella likes to unwind with…”

“Haven’t figured that far yet.”

“Good, I’ll…”

“Shut up!” Styles yells.

“Or what?” Little Good says standing up on the bed.

Styles puts a hand up and turns away to shield himself from Little Good’s banana. “Sit down! Sarah, Kay Fabe is still The Domino!”

“She’s what?”

“The Domino!” Styles repeats.

“I thought we cured her?”

“Apparently not,” Styles says.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“Kay is the Domino,” Sarah says.

“Or, The Domino is Kay.”

“I think Kay’s pretending to be The Domino pretending to be Kay,” Sarah says.

“She was Kay, then Spanish, then Kay again, then The Domino,then Kay, but not really Kay, but in reality, The Domino pretending to be Kay?” Little Good asks.

“Right,” Styles says.

“Hmm,” Sarah says. “We’ve got to cure her.”

“Y’know what I think. I think Trey Vincent has something to do with this,” Little Good says.

“Don’t ever say that name again,” Sarah says.

“Sorry,” Little Good says. “But ever since he kidnapped her, she ain’t been right in the noggin.”

“He’s right,” Style says. “I know how to cure her. But you won’t like it.”

“Spill,” Sarah says.

TO BE CONTINUED….

Sarah The Jobber Slayer rant efed, ewrestling, Kay Fabe, Little Good, parody, Sarah "The Jobber Slayer", Styles, The Domino, Xamfir