BOB eWrestling | Rant Zone Archive!

[Nighttime. A smoke-filled room. Kurt Angel was watching "Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle" when all of a sudden the lights went out.]

KA: Did I just go blind? Oh wait, no, I can still see the movie.

[Kurt grabs his phone and dials a number.]

KA: Hello, phone company? I’d like to report a power outage. My lights just shut off by themselves. Well, duh, if I knew their phone number, I’d call them. Hello? Hello?

[Kurt dials some other numbers.]

KA: Hello, Pizza Hut? I’d like to report a power outage. No, this isn’t a prank call. No, my name isn’t Dave. It’s Kurt. Kurt Angel. What do you mean now you know it’s a joke? It’s not a joke, it’s so not a joke. Hello? Darnitall!

[Kurt grabs the phone's antenna and, well...locks on a modified Angel Lock.]

KA: I’ll make you tap! Tap! Tap! Tap!

Phone: *Bleep*

[Kurt interprets the "low battery" warning as a submission and drops the move.]

KA: Whoooo!

[Kurt prances around in celebration.]

KA: Who da evil? I’m da evil! The man who pinned Steve Studnuts at Power is Stolen. Not false, not false. If not for the most corrupt Generic Referee on the planet, you would be looking at the number one contender for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. Studnuts. Vincent. Harker. The iAd will go down someday. And when you do, you’ll be the ones on your knees before Axl! And not in a gay way, either, busters!

KA: Instead, I’ve got to face Luke. Luke who? Mr. Luke-Hoo himself. Luke Warm. And mister, that plate glass window is gonna feel like the best day of you’re life after I get through with you at…Neil Patrick Harris is the man! Hey, the light went out? Where’s the phone?

Phone: *Bleep*

KA: I better get a ladder and replace that light bulb.

[Kurt gets a ladder and climbs up.]

KA: Come on, bucko!

[Kurt falls off the ladder.]

KA: Ow.

[After a few seconds of "selling the bump," Kurt's back up quickly. He unscrews the bulb and belly-to-light bulb suplexes it?]

*SMASH*

KA: Ow!

[Need a light bulb?]

KA: Whoa. The walls are talking to me again!

[Yes, yes. Check the table there for a new light bulb. And here goes Kurt up the ladder again. Amazingly, he gets it in. Then, the light goes out.]

KA: The hell?

*SMASH*

*THUD*

*Footsteps*

*Creak*

*SLAM*

*Creak*

*Flick*

[Lights on.]

*SLAM*

[Kurt is laying at the bottom of the ladder, surrounded by bits of a broken Cheap-Ass™ Guitar. Who attacked Kurt? Who who? Who who? Who attacked Kurt. Who who, who who. I really wanna know...]

Kurt Angel rant e-fed, Kurt Angel, Luke Warm, parody, seth harker, Steve Studnuts, Trey Vincent, wrestling

Caption: ABOUT A WEEK AGO, IN A PLACE NOT TOO FAR AWAY

[The scene? Raccoon City. Kurt Angel has an overweight zombie locked in the Angel Lock.]

KA: Tap! Tap! Tap!

Group of Zombies: You suck. Grrr. You suck. Brains.

[Kurt's cell phone rings.]

KA: Hang on, Zombie Joe, I’ll finish making you tap out in a jiffy. And when did I get a Verizon cell phone? I MUST have been stoned… Hello? Yes, it’s me. Where am I? Where are YOU? And where is that? And how do I get there from here?

[Meanwhile, the zombie is shuffling up to its feet.]

KA: OK. I’ll be there in a few minutes. I’ve got to make this fat Zombie Joe tap out.

*CHOMP*

KA: Owww! What the? Did you just eat my hair?

Zombie: *Coughcoughhack*

KA: Oh no! A bald spot! This calls for drastic measures. 411? Get me the number for Sy Sperling. Oh, it’s still you, Death? What did you want anyway? Oh, right. Let me just finish off Fat Zombie Joe.

[Kurt hits an Angel Slam on the zombie right into a conveniently placed wood chipper. Insert horror movie sounds of flesh, muscle and bone being shredded in said wood chipper.]

KA: Time to snort some zombie dust. It’s gonna be a hallucination. A DAMN hallucination! *Snort* Now that’s the stuff. Damn, I should’ve saved his head for a bong…Oh well. Next time. Say, Death, you still there? Do you have a razor I can borrow when I come over. I don’t think I can afford to join the Hair Club for Men. Ha ha very funny. It didn’t cost me a damn thing to join the Hierarchy. Yes, just my soul…but I wasn’t using it anyway.

[Fade to blurry.]

Kurt Angel rant Death, e-fed, e-wrestling, Kurt Angel, parody, wrestling

[Wow, it's been ages since I Ranted. Even though I swear I Ranted sometime in the past four years, I'll be damned if I can find the proof. Ah, the things these drugs do to my brain. Well, UnFOURgiven is coming up, and I have a date with density. A man named Viruz. But enough of me narrating my own thoughts, let's focus in on the door of a hotel room. The door has a "Kurt Angel" logo on it. The door opens quickly, and out steps the Greatest Parody Wrestler in the World Wide Web Today®, Kurt Angel, along with Little Good for some reason.]

Kurt: Can you believe Trey Vincent? I’m the only Heaven’s Olympics gold medal winner in Brawlers on a Budget, and they book me into a match with Viruz? Who the freak runs this place? I deserve a shot at the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. Not false, not false.

Little Good: Why don’t you try ranting more than once every five years or so, mate?

Kurt: Oh yeah, buster? When’s the last time YOU ranted?

Little Good: I’m not the one crying like a bloody baby over it, mate. And why am I with you? Ain’t I with those conspiracy nuts?

Kurt: I think they’re getting cut.

Little Good: I can see it now. (Pretending to hold a bullhorn) My firing was an inside job! My firing was an inside job.

[Little Good lights up a cigarette.]

Kurt Angel: Viruz, my dookie has more talent than you. And it was even greener than your mask, buster!

LG: You might wanna see a doc about that, mate. That doesn’t sound right.

Kurt Angel: Where my stash at?

LG: I think you just smoked it all. *Cough* Remember?

Kurt Angel: No. So it must have been good. Viruz, remember, I’m a former ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS. Sure, you may have beaten me before, and you’ll probably beat me again. You just better make sure it’s bad enough that a hospital has to take me in and pump me full of morphine. DAMN full of morphine! ‘Cause that’s how I roll a joint!

LG: New catchphrase? I’m almost impressed. Too bad it is bloody awful. You still suck. Maybe you should wait seven years until your next rant…

Kurt Angel rant Death, e-fed, ewrestling, Kurt Angel, Little Good, parody, Trey Vincent, Viruz, wrestling