Archive

Author Archive

Wrestling & Romance

February 17th, 2009
Comments Off on Wrestling & Romance

Scatman

[Scatman, who has clearly had more than a few beers, is stood in his roach infested kitchen smoking a joint as the last few seconds count down on his microwave. He, being Scatman, is a very disgusting individual and is heating up a plastic toy baby to give his pet dog to play with.]

Scatman: Sweet sweet sticky bud fresh off the plantation, how do I love thee?

[The timer on the microwave dings.]

Scatman: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s rose? Or the beauty of a Hershey’s Bar stuck between the teeth?

[He opens the microwave door and pulls the half melted baby off the turntable, some of it’s skin stuck like melted rubber and tearing away.]

Scatman: I’m spoiling you Mars, just like those motherfuckers in the Ferrero Roche commercials.

[He tosses the baby to Mars, who chows down on it like a plate of spaghetti.]

[Scatman turns to the camera, blowing smoke through his chapped, disfigured and shit stained lips and becomes serious.]

Scatman: At Beary Legal I will face a bunch of strangely familiar wrestlers for the AYOOYF… shit, that’s a lot of letters… the hardcore title! All I have to say is, I don’t care if you like crushing people with your feet, like mutilating yourself and others, are some weird circus bitch with boring rants or some cute bitch in a hamster suit who I’d like to suck the shit out of… you’re all going down under the mighty power of the Scatman! Except the belt, inanimate objects seem fucking dangerous as fuck in BOB for some reason.

rant

Bottom Of The Barrel

February 15th, 2009
Comments Off on Bottom Of The Barrel

Scatman

[Scatman is at a house show… seems they only run every so often and just for rants.]

Scatman: I have something to say! Jerri has been turning me on so much lately… maybe it’s because I’m sick in the head but her matches lately have been sloshing around in my head like a fine brandy in a glass made of poo. So I went out and got myself an asian girlfriend… and here she is!

[He holds up a photograph and the camera zooms in.]

Asian girlfriend

Scatman: She doesn’t talk, she doesn’t move, she’s made of latex… ladies and gentlemen this girl is going for only $6000 and every last of mine and St. Christian’s paychecks over the past 6 months… and all of Tentacle Beast’s money he hadn’t already spent on lotion and LSD… and I managed to buy myself a girlfriend. She lets me rub poo on her tits and I even made her asshole bigger with a pair of scissors. You may be speechless in disgust and horror, but she’s real flesh and bone to me and Goddamnit that’s all that matters!

[The fans start throwing beer glasses filled with piss at the ring but Scatman doesn’t even flinch.]

Scatman: You too fans can spread your faeces on a mannequin and thank Scatman for your swamp of love!

[His music hits and Mexican immigrant security guards escort him out of the building.]

rant

Blood Sausage

January 24th, 2009

Scatman

[Scatman is humping a cardboard cutout of Axl.]

Scatman: You don’t get to make unfunny wordplays juxtaposing ewmania and schizophrenia together and get away with it fat boy.

CSC: Scatman, Axl isn’t fat.

Scatman: I was being facetious, when my poo sticks to him like white on rice he will be.

[Scatman then picks up a cardboard cutout of Tifa.]

Christian St. Christian

Scatman: How about your little 2D girlfriend here?

[Scatman sticks his hand in his mouth and plasters saliva over her lips. He then does his best to mimic a female voice.]

Scatman: Ooh Scatman, please fuck me in my one dimensional ass. It’s so tight for you.

[Scatman pimp slaps her.]

Scatman: Bitch, how the fuck is the shit going to come out if it’s tight.

[He leans down and tears her legs apart, severing her midsection to the breasts.]

Scatman: That’s more like it, lots of big smelly poo to cover us all with.

[Scatman takes the Axl cutout again and simulates shoving it up Tifa’s ass.]

Scatman: Jesus Axl, you nearly fit all the way up there.

CSC: Scatman…

Scatman: Sorry, got carried away.

rant

Champion Gear

January 14th, 2009
Comments Off on Champion Gear

Christian St. Christian

[Open to a dimly lit, green tiled bathroom decorated with ornamental, golden bamboo and black marble sinks. A man in a mask is stood on the left side of the screen with his back to the camera. Shit is smeared across the walls to spell out ‘HELL ON EARTH!’ The man turns his neck to the right, revealing himself to be former Fetish Freak Christian St. Christian as he looks to a white porcelain toilet bowl. He turns his neck further until he is looking over his shoulder right into the camera.]

CSC: Is that it?

[The camera cuts to show who he is talking to, a man dressed in a hooded black cloak.]

Satanist: Yes, that is the entire spell.

CSC: Then where the hell is he?

[Suddenly a loud gurgling noise is heard. Both St. Christian and the Satanist look to the toilet bowl as water forces itself upwards like a fountain.]

CSC: It’s working!

[A hand rises from the bowl as though from a grave and claws at the edges to try and pull the rest of it’s body up. The sinews and muscles visibly strain as a second hand and a head rise up from inside the toilet. The thing’s eyes look around at it’s new surroundings.]

Scatman

CSC: Welcome back… eggroll?

[St. Christian holds out an offering of food from a box of Chinese takeaway.]

Scatman: THAT FUCKING BITCH!

[He pulls himself all the way out of the toilet and flops like a fish onto the floor in a pool of water.]

Scatman: I can’t believe she killed me.

CSC: What was hell like?

Scatman: What are you fucking kidding me?! Do you have any idea what they do to guys like me down there?

[St. Christian laughs.]

CSC: I hope you enjoyed it.

[Scatman pulls himself up onto his knees and snatches both the offered eggroll and a bottle of beer from St. Christian’s hands.]

Scatman: I swear to fucking Christ almighty I will get medieval on that chink bitches ass.

[The satanist is busy playing on his PSP.]

rant

A Heart Warming Scene

November 2nd, 2008

Scatman

[Scatman is sat at a table covered in broken plate pieces eating raw mincemeat.]

Christian St. Christian: Even your eyes stink.

Scatman: I had to use my own glue to make the contact lenses stick.

CSC: What the hell are you eatng? Meat and treacle?

Scatman: There wasn’t any maple syrup.

[Scatman slurps down a glass of brown colored water.]

Christian St. Christian

Jerri Li: Hey cumwads, what the hell are you eating?

Scatman: Mincemeat and treacle, what’s wrong with that?

Jerri: Don’t you normally eat shit?

Scatman: Hey, I’m a wrestler now. I need protein to stay in shape.

CSC: The shape of a wet paper cup.

Scatman: You’re just lucky we aren’t fighting, I would’ve kicked your ass to the moon and back.

Jerri Li

Jerri: Someone knock me out, I can’t stand this bickering.

Scatman: Just hit yourself with a brick, that always works.

CSC: Scatman, can you be serious for a minute? I think I have an idea who Plants booked us against at October Surprise. Here, take this.

[He hands Scatman a piece of paper written on in pencil.]

CSC: That’s some strategy to use if it is who I think it is.

Scatman: I can’t read this!

CSC: That’s because you got shit all over it!

[He snatches the paper back angrily.]

Scatman: Dude, we don’t need anymore training anyway. The Great learns his stuff from Smackdown vs Raw, you can play Mario and I’ll just watch girls mud wrestling. It all works out!

[He jumps up onto the table and swings his hips with his hands on his head.]

Scatman: In fact, I’m gonna do some working out now.

[He runs off suddenly, dragging the tablecloth and plates off the table under his feet as he goes.]

CSC: He’s from another world completely.

Jerri: I’m splitting apart on the inside over this match. I booked you guys against each other because you wrestle like pussies and will be able to run-in on my match. I know my teammates are good, and Death is the grim reaper for crying out loud, but the beefed up iAd are the kings of sports entertainment.

CSC: I’m not running in on your match! You’re supposed to be a masochist, what the hell do you care if you get another beating from Studnuts?

Jerri: When I held that T&A XX title, I don’t know, it made me feel powerful. Like I was the king.

CSC: Don’t you mean queen?

Jerri: Whatever. Sarah’s in that match and she’s got my belt. She’s disgracing the legacy I made for it. She doesn’t even hit herself with weapons. I need to get it back!

[St. Christian puts his arm around her.]

CSC: Do you wanna go watch mud wrestling with Scatman? He’s probably turned over all the furniture in the room by now.

Jerri: Can I smash his head through the TV screen?

CSC: Anything you want.

rant , , , , , , , , ,

Not Safe For Work

September 29th, 2008
Comments Off on Not Safe For Work

Jerri Li

[The scene fades in on a window pane as rain splatters against it. Cut to a woman’s foot. The camera pans slowly upwards as a pair of fishnet stockings are unrolled over her silky smooth legs. The camera keeps going past her tight stomach, her skin the color of crème brûlée, her breasts, hidden behind a black bra, and neck until it reaches her face. It’s Jerri Li! She hasn’t been resurrected more than a few days and she already has clothes pegs all over her face.]

Jerri Li: I suppose I should thank you for bringing me back from Hell. There was no pain, no pleasure nothing. Just blackness. It was so boring.

[There is no answer, just giggling.]

Jerri Li: Are you even listening to me?

[Jerri turns around to see new found stable mates huddled around a computer monitor. Jerri looks mad at not being the center of attention and stomps over to them.]

Jerri Li: What are you guys doing?

[She sees what they are watching.]

Jerri Li: You guys are perverts.

Scatman

Scatman: Hey!

Christian St. Christian: Dude, you are just about the most perverted man I’ve ever met.

Scatman: Moi?

[Scatman stands up on the seat of his chair, puts his hands on his head and rotates his hips like a male stripper.]

Scatman: I’m just hyper-sexual baby. Fuck, now I’m horny.

[Scatman jumps down and runs off screen.]

Christian St. Christian

Jerri Li: Where’s he going?

CSC: You don’t want to know, trust me.

[Tentacle Beast takes over control of the computer.]

Tentacle Beast: Sweeeet.

Tentacle Beast

[Tentacle Beast gets about half way through the video before running off as well, making squishy noises as he goes.]

CSC: He’s had to convert to girls in catholic schoolgirl uniforms, poor guy. They don’t squeal enough for him.

Jerri Li: You guys ARE perverts! I suppose you like old grannies vomiting on each other.

CSC: Nah, that’s more Scatman’s kinda thing. I just have a crush fetish.

Jerri Li: You have a fetish for having crushes on girls?

CSC: Not quite.

[Jerri Li turns her neck and looks at St. Christian.]

Jerri Li: I think I understand.

CSC: Anyway, we’ve got bigger fish to fry.

Jerri Li: BOB?

[He nods.]

Jerri Li: Five minutes with you guys and that place seems normal.

CSC: Yeah, well.

[St. Christian cracks his knuckles over his chest.]

CSC: You want to get back at Sarah The Jobber Slayer right?

Jerri Li: Yes.

CSC: If you’ll join our stable we can help you. She’s well protected by the higher ups in BOB, but there’s little that can stand in the way of a psychopath with an iron chain, an eight foot demon and a guy covered in faeces. We’ll make sure you have your revenge and regain your T&A XX Division championship.

Jerri Li: I am going to tear Sarah limb from limb.

CSC: That’s all to come. But for now, I thought there might be a way we could combine our own personal fetishes.

[He puts on a pair of golf shoes and points for Jerri to lie down on the floor.]

rant , , , , , , , , ,