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Wrestling & Romance

February 17th, 2009

Scatman

[Scatman, who has clearly had more than a few beers, is stood in his roach infested kitchen smoking a joint as the last few seconds count down on his microwave. He, being Scatman, is a very disgusting individual and is heating up a plastic toy baby to give his pet dog to play with.]

Scatman: Sweet sweet sticky bud fresh off the plantation, how do I love thee?

[The timer on the microwave dings.]

Scatman: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s rose? Or the beauty of a Hershey’s Bar stuck between the teeth?

[He opens the microwave door and pulls the half melted baby off the turntable, some of it’s skin stuck like melted rubber and tearing away.]

Scatman: I’m spoiling you Mars, just like those motherfuckers in the Ferrero Roche commercials.

[He tosses the baby to Mars, who chows down on it like a plate of spaghetti.]

[Scatman turns to the camera, blowing smoke through his chapped, disfigured and shit stained lips and becomes serious.]

Scatman: At Beary Legal I will face a bunch of strangely familiar wrestlers for the AYOOYF… shit, that’s a lot of letters… the hardcore title! All I have to say is, I don’t care if you like crushing people with your feet, like mutilating yourself and others, are some weird circus bitch with boring rants or some cute bitch in a hamster suit who I’d like to suck the shit out of… you’re all going down under the mighty power of the Scatman! Except the belt, inanimate objects seem fucking dangerous as fuck in BOB for some reason.

rant

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