A GREAT Start to 2009!
Kobe Gyant is hooking up his brand new 40-inch monitor, which he scored at a Circuit City going out of business sale by dipping into his personal independent wrestling fortune, which is stored in the Cayman Islands, which is a British overseas territory located in the western Caribbean Sea, which is comprised by the islands of Grand Cayman, Cayman Brac, and Little Cayman, which I know thanks to Wikipedia, which is “the free encyclopedia dictionary,” which is really just a bunch of 0s and 1s that somehow appear to be a web page, which is because we’re all in a matrix, which is a fictional world where we’re all batteries for aliens, which is really insane to think about…but I’ve gotten off track…let’s start again…Kobe Gyant is hooking up his brand new 42-inch monitor. I know I said 40 inches before, but it grew two inches in the time it took to write this bit here.
What happened to his last monitor? Well, there was a cheerleader over here auditioning to be on Kobe’s “White Cheerleader Bitches” adult web site that Kobe never has any intention of opening. She had just got on her blue outfit when…
Give me a J!
She kicked the monitor off his desk. But she didn’t have any panties on, so Kobe didn’t even notice. After giving her a birth control pill cocktail (vodka mixed with an entire packet of birth control pills), she gave Kobe a B. And an L. And an O. And a W. And a J. And an O. And a B. What’s that spell? No new kids to support! It was a great Christmas for Kobe, by the way. Aside from the cheerleader, he also received the PlayStation 4 and two iPhones that were made after the one Lori got, so Kobe’s are newer. Then he spent many an hour trying to find Lori’s MySpace page to try and get down and texty with her. Kobe’s so talented he texts all his hos with his little toe. His “ho toe” if u will.
As for Kobe? He’s been wearing EIGHT different variations of “The Great Is NOT Great” T-shirt for EIGHT days. But not today, because eight is enough.
The only other person in Kobe’s area at the moment? Kay Fabe. Why? Because she’s The BOB’s Interviewing Gal, and it’s unknown if we’ll ever see Mike “The Monotone” Monroe again in a Kobe Gyant promo. His pay ain’t comin’ out Kobe’s end, that’s for sure. She doesn’t refer to Kobe as “Meathead,” but she has referred to him as “The Jive Sausage.” Or was that just one part of his anatomy? TMI? Anyway, she walks into Kobe’s office wearing a yellow long-sleeved shirt and red overalls.
Kobe, what’s up with the letter you left on The Great’s door?
Kay, did you see what happened at MegaBrawl 2?
You mean when Jerri Li cut off her nipple?
No, girl! I’m talking about when Axl hit me in the head with a bat.
Oh, yeah. Suckage.
My head smelled like Michelle’s ass for days.
Zuh?
The shower was broken when I got home.
Uhh…was your sink broken, too? And every other sink on the planet?
That’s the second time my head smelled like Michelle’s ass.
Really?
Story for another day, another time. That’s probably why Axl came out and hit me in the head. Either that, or he has the hots for me. They say that chicks who like guys often hit them. And he’s the biggest chick I know.
He’s a man.
Do I look like Mark Henry? Is this 1999? It’s obvious he’s a woman with one sweaty nutsack. Or maybe that’s just a giant dingleberry. All I know, Kay, is I ain’t gettin’ close enough to inspect.
Kobe, I don’t remember your Rants being this racy before.
It’s a new day. Change has come to America. Change has come to Kobe Gyant. And in just a few minutes, something else is about to come with Kobe Gyant. Here’s a hint: she has red hair.
Careful. Make sure you don’t dislocate your ring finger. Any final words for Axl, The Great, or Brawlers on a Budget fans?
My ring finger, I won’t dislocate.
The Great, I will obliterate.
And Axl, I plan to aggravate.
And just because I’m black, don’t call me articulate.
In ‘09, Kobe Gyant will dominate.
Peace!
Kobe space Gyant period!
["Sweet Sixteen" by BB King is playing in the background as Scatman is sat smoking a blunt.]
Scatman: Can I come round and watch Ricki Lake on that thing? That bitch is finer than a motherfucker.
Christian St. Christian: I know that isn’t what you’re going there to watch.
Scatman: Hey, I was gonna wait until Kobe was asleep!
CSC: Scatman found a video of a 500 person orgy held in Japan and said he wanted to watch it on a big screen with the volume turned way up. In fact, he was quite insistent on telling everybody about it.
Scatman: So? Kobe wouldn’t mind. He’d probably tell me he’d be in a 1000 person orgy and he’d be all 500 men at the same time. And then jizz like a horse all over the 500 women simultaneously. Besides, I’d use headphones so he couldn’t hear all the squeaky Japanese girls’ crying.
[CSC holds his hands over his eyes.]
CSC: Jesus H. Christ Scatman.
Scatman: I wonder if I can get that cheerleader to watch it with me. Teenagers are easily bribed with drugs, right?
CSC: You pissed all your drugs away.
[Scatman peels a banana and eats it suggestively... I have no idea why.]