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Not a good start in 2009

January 15th, 2009

The Great

(A camera zooms in on hand written sign taped to The Great’s front door.)

Please come back in a couple of weeks, The Great had to sell The Great’s PC and take a part time second shift job to help cover the costs of XBOX360, a 50 foot USB cable, a router, and Halo 3 for Nick’s Christmas present. The Great will not get into Lori’s expensive tastes or Little Johnny’s Robot Factory 5000. The Great’s wife kept it simple, a brand new, full length mink from Kaufman Furs, two pair of Prada, a new set of china dinnerware, and a 2009 Mercedes-Benz C-Class C350W Sedan. The Mother in Law was happy with the first three seasons of All in the Family DVD set. The Great apologizes for any inconvenience.

Thank you,
The Great


  1. January 15th, 2009 at 16:59 | #1

    (The camera then pans down a bit to reveal another note taped to the door.)

    It’s about to get worse for you on February 11, son! Kobe Gyant apologizes in advance for the whoopin you’re gonna receive on iMPLOSION 16*.

    Insincerely yours,
    Kobe Gyant

    *Card subject to change, especially here

  2. January 19th, 2009 at 11:55 | #2

    (The Great is putting the finishing touches on re-hooking up his home computer’s monitor, which he sold to help absorb the incredible cost of Christmas Shopping 2008 around The Great’s household. The modem and internet was still intact, and his 10 year old son, Nick, has abused it with Halo 3 on XBOXLive ever since, only opening his bedroom door occasionally for cereal and orange juice to be passed through. After the Christmas break from school, Nick’s still going to 5th grade, but only to neglect his studies and thinking about Halo 3 all day.

    Lori, The Great’s 15 year old daughter, has been virtually invisible since getting a new iPhone among other technologies, camping out in her bedroom working her contacts. Some consider her the most gifted texter on the planet.

    The Great’s wife has been driving around St. Louis proper in her new Mercedes, barely home long enough to do the laundry. In fact, The Great has been wearing the same “The Great is Great” t-shirt for 7 days in a row.

    The Mother-in-Law has also kept to herself, in her room watching “All in the Family” Seasons 1-3. She’s a huge Archie Bunker fan and has even started to refer to The Great as “Meathead.” Which some would argue is a lot more subdued than other things she’s called him.

    Little Johnny, The Great’s kindergartner, has been busy as well, working diligently with his Robot Factory 5000. Today, his efforts have paid off, ironically coinciding with The Great getting his monitor back to do the Brawler’s on a Budget promos.

    He walks into The Great’s bedroom with an announcement.)

    Little Johnny: Father, she’s finished.

    The Great: That’s umm, great son. But The Great is busy. The Great found this letter on The Great’s front door from Kobe Gyant. The Great must respond to this challenge, Kobe Gyant is a threat to The Great’s momentum in 2009.

    Little Johnny: I thought Pete Trable accomplished that in 2008.You were unstoppable in your fantasy world of pre-determined grappling until he showed up.

    The Great: The X-Factor is fine, son. The Amazin’ Greats are destined to win the Not Good Enough to Fight Alone tag-team titles this year. The Great can feel it, even though Pete refuses to rechristen himself The Amazin’. However, The Great must first find a way to defeat Kobe Gyant one-on-one.

    Little Johnny: I have the solution. My robot is complete, and it will help you in your worked battles, my Christmas present to you.

    (Johnny pulls a remote from his pocket and feverishly programs a specific order of button presses. A “robot” rolls into the bedroom, from the waist down looking like the one on Lost in Space complete with the arms that resemble the tubes that lint blows through out of the clothes dryer. The upper body is a spot-on replica of Pamela Anderson’s torso circa her “Baywatch” years. A t.v. monitor acts as its head.


    The Great: JOHNNY! Your mother is going to KILL The Great!

    Little Johnny: I’m not sweating The Breeder. Watch this:


    The Great: The Great is starting to——— percolate. I love you, son.

    Little Johnny: Yeah, yeah, yeah. (presses button)


    The Great: This could be very valuable for The Great and Pete Trable! Son, you’re a genius!

    Little Johnny: This is true. Now will you buy me some plutonium?

    The Great: The Great must contemplate. No, you’d be much too dangerous with plutonium.

    (Johnny presses a button.)


    (The Great looks at Little Johnny.)

    The Great: (…and as father and son and shake hands.) Son, you got yourself a deal.

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