BOB eWrestling | Rant Zone Archive!

[Dr. Silaconne M. Plants and Nurse Heidi are located in Plants’ new office, “Leave it to Cleavage”, the smell of new paint and non-descript floor polisher clings in the air. Dr. Plants looks visibly nervous as he watches a brand new Sharp - AQUOS 65" Class 1080p Flat-Panel LCD HDTV which he purchased for just over (including tax) four grand after winning THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS as a gift to himself. Using his gate purse collected at MEGABRAWL II, it’s estimated The Doc still owes roughly $3,910.

This is not what bothers “The Smooth Operator®”, however, but what he’s watching does…]

BEIJING (Jan. 8th) — Gu Gu the panda has struck again, mauling someone who jumped a barrier to retrieve a child’s toy, in his third attack on a visitor at the Beijing zoo.

A tourist from China’s Anhui province went over a 4-foot, 7-inch barrier surrounding the panda’s outdoor exercise area Wednesday to retrieve a toy dropped by his 5-year-old son, said a zoo spokeswoman surnamed Gong.

SMP: Pffft. Gong? What a stupid name!

[Nurse Heidi secretly gives him a “looks who’s talking” glance…]

The 240-pound Gu Gu bit the intruder’s legs and refused to let go until zookeepers pried his jaws open with tools, said Gong, who would not give her full name as is common among Chinese officials.

SMP: Full name? How much you want to bet her first name is Banga?

NH: Sil? I can tell you’re nervous, you always make fun of other people when you’re nervous…

[Plants then buries himself back into watching the news.]

The Beijing News identified the man as Zhang Jiao, and quoted tourists as saying Zhang appeared to first look around to check if there were pandas nearby before jumping the barrier.
Gu Gu first made news in 2007 when he bit a drunken tourist who jumped into his pen and tried to hug him. The tourist retaliated by biting the bear in the back.

[Dr. Plants quickly pulls out his day planner and begins scribbling some notes.]

In October, Gu Gu viciously bit a teenager who climbed into his exercise area out of curiosity.

The Beijing News said the latest victim suffered damage to major ligaments and is recovering from surgery.

Pandas, generally considered cute, can nonetheless be violent when provoked or startled. Zoo officials have considered unspecified measures to prevent further incidents.

[Dr. Plants turns off the set with a remote located on his desk.]

SMP: Did you see that? Pandas are dangerous. I’m not wrestling American Panda. I ain’t gonna do it.

NH: Huh? Why are you worried about that? That’s almost a month and a half away! You have to defend your tag-team titles at iMPLOSION! 15 before that against Largeman and The Wiz.

[SMP’s face contorts into that familiar “What the fuck did you say?” expression.]

SMP: Who?

NH: Thomas Largeman and The Wiz.

SMP: Are those alias of John Hennigan and Mike Mizanin?

NH: Ummm, no. John Morrison is not Thomas Largeman. And I said The Wiz, not The Miz.

SMP: Too bad it ain’t him. Mizanin? He sucks. I’m pretty sure I can beat him. So, who is this Wiz? Richard Pryor? I thought he was dead. I hope it is him, I’m pretty sure I can beat a dead guy.

NH: No, no, no. It’s not Richard Pryor playing the wizard in an urbanized retelling of L. Frank Baum’s The Wonderful Wizard of Oz featuring an entirely African-American cast. It’s…well, he’s a wizard. That smokes pot. And does other wizardry things, I guess.

SMP: Can he cast spells?

NH: I don’t know.

SMP: Can he do magic?

NH: His bio claims he can…

SMP: Can he make titles disappear?

NH: Umm, I suppose you can do that without magic.

SMP: What about James Varga? Can he make HIM disappear?

[Nurse Heidi looks baffled.]

SMP: Listen, if you’re going to be my evil valet, you have to do better research of my opponents. At MEGABRAWL, I turned heel, remember? We have to do naughty stuff. Bend the rules, be controversial.

NH: Oh yeah, like you did over at eWmania? I knew you’d go over there and cause a scene.

SMP: A scene? I just wanted the guy to answer a question he had no answer to because he knew he was wrong. That’s all. And I get lambasted for that? It’s ridiculous! And to think after all that he was going to judge the eWmania title defense and be unbiased? Yeah, right!

[SMP stops mid thought and scratches his chin…]

And yeah, I’m affected by what’s written on an online forum just as much as other people are that threaten to banish me from the site for asking a simple question. Your opinion matters more than you think. It sucks that I feel that way, huh? Go back and look at how the tournament unfolded and tell ME it was LEGIT. You’re a fool if you do. Zero influence MY ASS!

[The Doc throws his remote off his table.]

SMP: Fellow BoBster? How dare you throw that up at me! You’ve been here, what? A month?

NH: Umm, Sil?

SMP: Yeah…

NH: What are you rambling about? I thought this was about American Panda? Let’s get back on track here.

SMP: I’m not wrestling a goddamn panda.

NH: But he IS American. Gu Gu is Chinese, and Chinese pandas are much more sinister. It’s common knowledge. American Panda is educated, I mean… he can talk and everything.

SMP: HE….ATE…..LUKE WARM! I ain’t gonna do it!

NH: Well, you have to. It’s booked for Bearly Legal.

SMP: Subtitled Gu Gu Cachoob? I ain’t doing it! He’s going to eat my fucken jugular.

NH: Sil? Calm down…

SMP: I know, I’ll wear a kevlar turtle neck into the ring. I’ll bring tranquilizers in a syringe and stab him unmercifully. See? I have one right here…

[A crusty looking, old fisherman walks into the office.]

Fisherman: You get that tiny needle into his skin?

SMP: No, but if he gets close enough, I can get it into his mouth…

Fisherman: What’s this other stuff you have here?

SMP: Anti-Panda cage!

Fisherman: You go into the cage? Cage goes into the ring? Panda in the ring? OUR panda? (singing) Farewell, and adieu to you fair Spanish ladies… farewell and adieu to you ladies of Spain…

SMP: GET OUTTA HERE, QUINT!

[The Fisherman leaves, now with a hook for a hand ‘cause he knows what you did last summer.]

SMP: And if all this wasn’t bad enough, I heard John Cena was coming here! Yeah, like HE won’t demand a push…

NH: That’s just a rumor…

SMP: It’s a conspiracy! They’re out to get me! I’m telling you, Heidi, I’ll never make it to March Madness. I blame Leary! It’s all his fault! He’s the one that said I was spoiled! Fantasy Football championship, eWmania championship, turns out the only thing I won was what I booked myself!

NH: You’re being too hard on yourself. You deserved the OWTTM. Now, you simply have to defend it. And the tag-team titles. And umm, the Swiss Army Belt.

SMP: I can’t do all that! No wonder I bowed out of the bogus eWmania title match under the guise of a legit contest. I have other work to do! How much do you think a lifetime supply of bamboo costs?

NH: No idea…

SMP: Well find out! And I need a tag-team partner for !MPLOSION! 15. Hey, maybe American Panda? Yeah!

He can eat Thomas Largeman and The Wizard and be too full for Bearly Legal to eat me! He’ll still be digesting them, right? I’m a genius! Call him and set it up!

NH: Does he even have a phone?

SMP: I don’t know, you’re better at the technical stuff than I am. Get to work on it! I have to go find out when Cena is coming…

NH: (sarcastically rolling her eyes) Oh good grief… I’ll see what I can do.

[Heidi leaves the office, SMP stares directly into the camera.]

SMP: It’s going to be panda-monium at Bearly Legal!
One way…. or the other…

[Camera fades on SMP’s snarling grimace.]

Dr. Silaconne M. Plants rant