*TV* : The Siiimpsooons…
[The screen opens to Homer Simpson. At home. On the couch. Watching tv. A voice eminates from the television speakers…]
Kent Brockman: Breaking news, ladies and gentlemen. It appears as though the entire world’s supply of donuts –
Homer: Mmmm, donuuuts.
Kent Brockman: – has been depleted.
Homer: What the hell does that mean?
Kent: They’ve vanished.
Kent: They’re gone.
Kent: NO MORE DONUTS. EVER.
Homer: DOH!!! I… I’ve got to blame SOMEBODY for this!
[Enter scene right, Bart Simpson, son of Homer, emperor of Springfield. Give or take the “emperor” part.]
Homer: WHY YOU LITTLE!
Bart: … I didn’t do it.
[Homer leaps from the couch, and proceeds to strangle Bart.]
Homer: Take away the only thing that drives me to get out of bed in the morning, will you?!
Homer: You cotton pickin’ little…
Homer: … Bart? Why aren’t you screaming any more?
[Homer releases his grip on his son, and Bart… collapses to the floor. … Uh, this DEFINITELY wasn’t in the script…]
[Homer then slowly begins to back away, still looking down at Bart’s corpse, before turning around and getting the hell out of there.]
[The screen rests on the vision of Bart, lying motionless on the ground… before a horde of rats descend upon him, pick his bones, and then leave him as nothing more than a skeleton.]
[The screen THEN changes to Axl’s living room, where he sits. At his apartment. On his crappy, tattered couch. Watching tv.]
Axl: Ya know… this show seemed a hell of a lot funnier ten seasons ago. I hope BoB doesn’t lose its wry sense of humor after 20 years on the air. … Oh, what am I talkin’ about, the past ten have been even more shit-tastic than an all day marathon of “The Flavor of Love”. Fuck, how is Tifa EVER gonna make me into a MegaStar if the company I work for can barely even keep a program on tv?
[Well, to tell ya the truth…]
Axl: That was a rhetorical question!!! PLEASE don’t answer that… I’m afraid of the answer.
[Suddenly, the Simpsons is interrupted by a Sinister City TV News Bulletin, from the desk of Sinister Newz anchorman, CJ Mathews.]
Axl: DAMMIT! Bart just got through pulling a Kenny, and now I’ve got to sit through a news flash! Is there EVER going to be anything good on?
[That’s what you get when you move to a city that only has ONE tv channel…]
Axl: Oh, can it, jack hoff.
Axl: Oh, you know what I mean!
[Well, I’ve GOT to can it, and keep this short, or this rant will run over the 6 page mark. You don’t wanna piss Leary off with your first rant of the year…]
Axl: Oh, trust me, I will. It’s inevitable. Just like SMP losing. Too bad I was kicked out of eWschizophrenia, or I woulda won that tournament, hands down, and I’d STILL be champ by the end of the year! … Give or take 11 months and 3 weeks.
[God, this is turning into more of a ramble than a rant…]
Axl: HEY! Ok, that’s it. Here and now, I’m making my first New Year’s resolution. I’m no longer going to be the humongous windbag that I have been. And narrator… that means you’re going to be doing ALOT more work. It’s time for the Apathy to be CURED! I’ve had ENOUGH of this Disorder!]
[Ha… yeah, I see what you did there. VERY funny… *cough* not *cough*]
Axl: So, from now on… I’m going to take a bit of advice from some no name jerk on eWnymphomania, and I’m… I’m going to… Start ranting in novel form!!!
[… You’re joking… right?]
[… Shit. … Ugh, ok, ok. We’ll TRY it… I’m not promising anything, though. Seriously, couldn’t you just have The Handler do all of the promos in Adobe Flash animation form or something?]
Axl: But that’d be even MORE work!
[Not for me, it wouldn’t… Anyway, well… here goes nothing.]
The Book of Axl : Chapter 1 – A Savior is Born
[It was a cold, winter’s morning, on the twenty-third day, of the first month, of the ninth year, of the first decade, of the first century, of the second millenium. A man sat upon a couch… a tattered, abysmal looking couch. Springs springing forth from every which way, cockroaches feasting upon crumbs held within the confines of the sofa’s very core. This was the couch of utter dread… a couch so devoid of color or freshnessocity… atude… It was a really fucking ugly couch, ok? And upon the couch there sat a man –
Axl: YOU ALREADY SAID THAT!
[HEY! You can’t talk now! I have to give you the codewords.
Axl: … What the fuck are those?
[“Axl said,”, and then you say something, only you have to use quotation marks.]
Axl: Oh, like this? “The Narrator is a bitch, he’s a big fat bitch, he’s the biggest bitch in the whole wide world!”
[You DO want me to do this, correct?]
[SO SHUT UP, AND LEMME DO MY DAMN JOB!]
Axl: … Jerk.
[Ahem… The man sat upon the couch, staring blankly at the television screen before him. The man’s name? Axl VanHalen.]
Axl: DAMMIT! I dropped the ‘VanHalen’, and you DAMN well know that, you pig fucker!
[Ugh… The man’s name? Axl. … There, ya happy now?]
Axl: I guess… just make sure it doesn’t happen again. Got me?
[The news upon the screen reminded Axl of the times he had spent alone as a boy, when he had no friends, no one to play with, no play pals or little boy buddies. And of course, the reasoning for this, was for the simple fact that Axl… was gay.]
Axl: GODDA- … SONUVVA- … I am NOT gay, you understand me?! I’m not gay, my last name is no longer ‘VanHalen’, and if you screw up this rant for me, I’ll fucking KILL YOU! This is my first rant of the year, and it’s GOING to be special. Either that… or you’re FFFIIIRRREEEDDD!!!
[Alrighty… Axl McMahon said, “GODDAMIT, my last name’s not McMahon either!!!” And then I bitch slapped him. And then he said, “OW!!! You BASTARD!” And then I laughed, because it’s funny as hell to watch Axl get pissed off. :^) ]
Axl: You… you… ARGH~!!1 ONE MORE TIME! One more time you try to ruin this for me, and I swear to GOD I’ll kick your ass!
[Ok, ok, I’ll be good. Even though, as a being who’s merely a voice, I don’t actually HAVE an ass for you to kick. But anyway…]
[The television’s screen flashed briefly with the Sinister Newz logo, before being filled with the face of SCtv news anchor CJ Mathews. CJ was seated behind a desk, with the picture of a yam in a window in the upper right hand corner of the screen. CJ spoke, with a stern voice, giving off a sense of urgency. “People of Sinister City. There is a new scourge falling upon us. A new wave of the most disgusting, disturbing, mutant-like MUTANTS to ever cross the land of the Sinister Valley. These… things, have swept over our fair town like a swarm of locusts, straight from the pages of the Bible! These beings have taken to collecting each and every member of the community, and forcing them to their bidding. Their bidding, of course, being to consume mass quantities. Because these dudes are aliens. And aliens are into freaky deeky shit like that. Just watch the Coneheads. Seriously, do. Dan Akroyd’s a hoot, I tell ya what. … Erm, anyway, these… things, are known only… as the Yam People. Mainly, because they’re yams. And they’re people. Pretty simple equation, really…”.]
[CJ Mathews continued, as . “The Yam People have sent their leader to the mayor’s office, where he has issued the following statement, filmed at an earlier date. We’d mention the exact date, but we’re too fucking lazy to go about all that bull shit. The following may offend some 14 year olds. From New Zealand. Who like YugiOh. And may or may not actually be 21, but really, who gives a rat’s ass. Ya know? … Roll it.”]
[The camera opened to the mayor’s office, where both mayors were strapped to chairs, gauze secured tightly on their mouths. As raYne and Tony Spaghetti struggled to free themselves, a chair in front of the desk stood, back to the camera. … When it suddenly swiveled around, revealing…]
[Well, to be more precise, a yam with one of those novelty pairs of glasses with the nose, moustache, and fake eyes. This… thing… This… oh, let’s just call him ‘Yam, Man, the Boogyin’ Yam Man’. Yam Man stared coldly, sinisterly into the camera’s lens. … Honestly, it’s just a yam with a stupid pair of glasses on. How can it really “stare”? It’s just SITTING there for christ’s sake!]
Axl: A-HEM!!! Get back to the damn script!
[Oy… Yam Man stared harshly at the camera, yadda yadda yadda, something about darkness and evil and coldness and a buncha other crap tryin’ to make this sweet potato look like some menacing villain. Yadda yadda, he SPEAKS. Finally…]
Yam Man: …
[… Wow. What a stirring “speech”. Which, ironically, is the very ability this VEGETABLE doesn’t have. SPEECH. Because it’s a damn vegetable!]
Axl: One more outburst like that, young man, and it’s off to the principle’s office with you!
[Uhm… ok? Axl, really, I think I know where this is headed. You’re going to end up in a match with this “Yam Man”, “beat the crap out of him”, and then “pin him”.]
Axl: How do you know THAT?
[Because I took your advice. I read the script.]
Axl: … Oh. … Fuck. Well… Er… that was just a first draft! Watch THIS!
[Watch what? … Anyway… “Yam Man”, or whatever, began to speak again. … God this is hard to narrate… WAIT A MINUTE! Axl, what the hell are you doing in the mayors’ office?!]
Axl: I’m holding a chair, what does it look like? And SHHH, I’m TRYING to sneak up on him!
[… IT’s A FUCKING YAM! Yams can’t hear! Yams don’t have EYES!]
Axl: Yeah they do! Just look at his glasses!
[… Are you retarded?]
[I’m just sayin’. ;^) ]
Axl: EAT THIS, YAM MAN!!!
[Axl slams the chair over the yam… and sends yam bits flying all over the place. … Yup.]
Axl: Ha! Broke those damn glasses! … OH MY GOD!
[What is it? Just realized how gay this is?]
Axl: Shut up, narrator! I’m talking about his EYES! They fell out of his sockets!
[… Yup. Totally gay.]
Axl: And go back to novel style, BITCH!
[Yes master… sheesh.]
[Axl stood tall over the destroyed foe known as Yam, Man, the Boogyin’ Yam Man. He gripped the chair’s leg firmly in his right hand, as he lifted the steel high into the air. Meanwhile, raYne and Tony, Sinister City mayors the both of them, screamed through the gauze covering their mouths… shouting and yelling for Axl’s help. “What the fuck’s all that noise?”, Axl pondered out loud.]
[He then left the office to grab a beer.]
Tony: What did you say?
Tony: Sorry, I’m listening to my iPod. I just LOVE this Miley Cyrus! She’s the bomb, yo! … Hey, I just noticed something! I don’t have the gauze on my mouth and cuffs on my hands and feet anymore!
Tony: Cool, now I can go grab a beer.
raYne: … PPPHHHUUUKKK!!!