Thomas Largeman’s head pops up from a thick mist of bong smoke, his red eyes looking across at The Wizard, who is sitting with the end of a blunt hanging from his lip whilst chuckling at Animal Planet on the television.
“Dude.” Largeman repeats, a little more sternly.
The Wiz looks over at Large.
“What is it mang?” asks The Wiz.
“Dude, we’re out of weed.”
DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
Welcome to another exciting episode of Large & Wiz’s Totally AweXome Weed-related Adventures (said the narrator — which is me.)
So ok dudes, Large, about 30 minutes later, gets up, hands on his hips and proclaims: “WIZ! TO THE WAREDROBEEEEE!”
(You know, for his pants.)
“And then, TO THE WEEDMANNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
(Which is a little more important in the scheme of the story. Not that this story is important.)
After Large pulls on some pants the two head towards the door but then realise that they actually bought some weed like, 3 hours ago.
“Erm, dude…” they say to one another in unison.
“Dude,” The Wiz continues, “I’m pretty sure we bought some weed like, 3 hours ago.”
“Weird,” says Large, “I think the same, too.”
The Wiz leans over and vomits in the umbrella stand by the door, wipes his mouth, straightens his tall, pointy wizard hat and continues the conversation, puke hanging from his beard, as if nothing has happened.
“Man, where would we have put it?”
At that point a tiger seems to wonder through the sitting room, his eyes all red and blood-shot.
“Is it in his mouth?” asks the Wiz.
“No way, dude. Steve has been clean for like… all day now. He’s off the stuff.”
“Oh yeah, I totally forgot. I think all this exercise I’ve been doing lately has been fucking with my head or something.”
“Then quit it, dude. Your butt looks good enough to me, don’t get all self-conscious just because you’re on television now.”
Okay, honestly, this conversation gets really queer, really quick, so to save you the horror, I’ll just fast forward it a little bit…
The scene zips forwards and Large is rubbing Wiz’s but, and vice-versa, and they are pinching and complementing and generally mincing around like a couple of gay lovers, which they aren’t. They totally, totally aren’t.
Largeman is riding Steve the tiger around the living room by now and The Wiz is twisting a ‘Rubix Cube’™ around in his hand.
“Dude, how the hell do I do this thing?”
Largeman circles his arm around in the air, pretending to be a cowboy, before falling, face first, off the tiger, that isn’t really there (It is, in fact, a child’s tricycle)
A ‘Rubix Cube’™ lands close by as The Wiz tosses it to the floor in frustration.
“All the colours are mixed up. It’s totally trippy, man.”
Large gets back to his feet, a Snickers wrapper stuck to his cheek, and walks back over to The Wiz.
“That tiger is getting fast, dude.”
“Dude, were we looking for something a minute ago?” The Wiz asks.
Large scratches his arse, trying to remember what was going on.
“No way man.”
The Wiz kicks his feet out from under his Wizard’s robe.
“Nike Air, BOOYAH!”
“Oh, wait, I got it! We were looking for weed.”
“Oh yeah, that was it…”
Large turns around and looks over the hazy, smoke-filled sitting room. A coffee table is strewn with food packaging, empty soda cans and ash from joints. He thinks it might be over there, but he can’t feel his feet. Dude is WASTED.
“Is it on the table, man?”
“Who’s the Tableman?” The Wiz asks.
“I don’t know, dude.”
“I don’t think there’s such a thing as a Tableman. Where did you get that from?”
“Dude.” The Wiz says with more insistence.
“Oh, I see… ‘Cause I said ‘table, man’, and you thought I said Tableman. Ha ha, that’s funny.“
Wiz and Large chuckle for a little bit longer than is comfortable. Heck even I, as the omnipotent narrator, am getting a bit uncomfortable up here.
Okay, they stopped now.
“DUDE!” The Wiz exclaims, suddenly realising that he has been trying to get Large’s attention.
“Oh, sorry Wiz, what is it?”
“Dude, where’s the weed?”
“Oh, here it is.” Large replies, pulling a little baggie of weed from his pocket.
“Oh. Phew. We almost had to leave the house without our t-shirts on.”
And the dudes CHILL!