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Archive for December, 2008

Bathroom Scene

December 23rd, 2008
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Joe Bananas

[Open to a bottle of talcum powder, a glass of toothbrushes, an eyelash curler and a razor blade beneath a mirror in a hotel bathroom. Joe Bananas is smiling as he looks at himself in the mirror and smokes the remains of a joint. His part time girlfriend, a half black half samoan girl named Arlene, walks in and wraps her arms around his chest.]

Arlene: Are there any E’s left?

Joe: Just pot.

[Joe arches his arm back over his shoulder and hands her the joint. He takes a red toothbrush out of the glass, paints a line of paste on the bristles, and begins brushing his teeth.]

Joe: E’s are so hard to come by these days dealers practically have monkeys with knives wrapped in barbedwire protecting them.

[Arlene blows a cloud of smoke at the mirror.]

Arlene (sarcastic): Great.

Joe: Hey, those motherfuckers’ll cut your damn head off and make a necklace out of your teeth.

Arlene: Ooh, I’m quaking in my boots. Just let me handle them, they’re putty in my hands.

[Joe spits the white liquid out into the sink and turns his neck to look at her.]

Joe: You’re trippin’.

Arlene: Now you’ve got your job at BOB back we should be rollin’ in that shit from now on.

Joe: You have no idea how much they pay a nigga, do you?

[She hits him in the chest.]

Arlene: At the very least we should be able to stay in a place without cockroaches climbing the walls.

[She passes the joint back to him.]

Joe: I should be so lucky.

Arlene: We’ll be painting the town red in no time.

Joe: Finding money in that place is like looking for a needle in a haystack.

Arlene: Ah, we’ll be ok. They’ve got everyone’s balls to the wall but I know they’ll treat you right.

Joe: Come one, let’s get back to the bedroom.

rant

MegaBrawl II Results!

December 16th, 2008
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RESULTS FROM BRAWLERS ON A BUDGET’S MEGABRAWL II!

SMP takes home all the gold in a bloody cage match, BOB has a new Acting BigBOSS, and a zoo is slaughtered by emoticons on BOB’s biggest show of the year!

-Brawlers On a Budget’s MegaBrawl II kicked off with the Beetlejuicers, who performed “All You Need Is Elves” with the help of some little people.

-Your commentators are Styles and Scotty Whatbody.

Indigo and Hamster Girl won the controversial opening It’s A Wonderful Curtain Jerker Battle Royal match, outlasting Little Good, Pigeon, Pretty Boy, Snapmare Kid, Tia Tar, XXXtreme Machine and “XFactor” Pete Trable.

Thomas Largeman and The Wizard became the number one contenders for the Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Tag Team Titles by defeating the Human Foreign Object and Steel Chair.

-Then it was the surprise return of Festering Death (Spacecop and Spaceduck), who took on the entire San Diego Zoo. Flamingos, reindeer, hippos, tigers…no animal was spared. Small children and anyone with morals should probably avoid this match or watch with a vomit bucket handy. This match also saw a surprising cameo by BRAND Wrestling superstar Sharc!

Sam, Sam the Dancing Yam danced with Kay Fabe and Mike “The Monotone” Monroe.

Axl defeated his brother in the bloody, brutal Jerry Springerish Anywhere “Anywhere Is” Is Playing Match. Viruz is now done with BOB.

-Up next, Coma and Hallucination Boy took on Kamikazie Ken and Insano Mano in a Rakes On A Plane. However, due to a horrible accident, the plane crashed and now they’re LOST. We may never see these four BOBsters again.

-Up next was Death vs. Zombie Mr. Fantastic in a grudge match. However, we learned that Alex Smith was actually Zombie Mr. Fantastic. Death picked up the win after his wife, Katie, ate Smith’s face. Death, naturally, then powerbombed her.

-Kay Fabe had a flavorful conversation with American Panda.

Kid Pirate defeated Seth Harker in a Walk the Plank Match, which means Pirate is BOB’s new Acting BigBOSS! What does this mean for the future of BOB? Aye dunno.

-In a shocker, Sarah “The Jobber Slayer” lost the T&A XX Division Title, but it wasn’t to her opponent, Jerri Li. It was to former BOBster (and former title), the You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain’t Doing That, Are You Out of Your Frickin’ Mind Hardcore Title Belt with the help of referee Vicky Jean. The title, speaking through Vicky, gave one of the most shocking post-match interviews ever!

Kobe Gyant got it on with Kay Fabe in lieu of an interview.

American Panda became the number one contender for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS after defeating Kurt Angel, Kobe Gyant and The Great in an elimination match. Axl also got involved with this match, helping eliminate Gyant. Referee Vicky Jean stopped the match after several repeated claws to The Great’s face, but The Great never tapped out or was pinned in the match.

Jerri Li came out for an impromptu match against herself, but was interrupted by none other than the UNDIETAKER!

-And in the main event, Dr. Silaconne M. Plants prevailed against Steve Studnuts in the Nicolas/Christian Cage Match, in which Nurse Heidi was the special referee, thanks in part to some interference by BOB’s Executive Producer Trey Vincent! SMP avoided retirement and now is the second BOB Grand Slam Champion, and he now holds the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS, Swiss Army Belt and both Not Good Enough to Fight Alone Tag Team Titles. His emotional post-match interview is a must see.

It was an amazing show. Part 1 is here, Part 2 is here, and Part 3 is here! Check it out now!

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Dude, Where’s Our Weed?

December 15th, 2008
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Thomas Largeman

“Dude.”

“Hmm?”

Thomas Largeman’s head pops up from a thick mist of bong smoke, his red eyes looking across at The Wizard, who is sitting with the end of a blunt hanging from his lip whilst chuckling at Animal Planet on the television.

“Dude.” Largeman repeats, a little more sternly.

The Wiz looks over at Large.

The Wizard

“What is it mang?” asks The Wiz.

“Dude, we’re out of weed.”

DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

Welcome to another exciting episode of Large & Wiz’s Totally AweXome Weed-related Adventures (said the narrator — which is me.)

So ok dudes, Large, about 30 minutes later, gets up, hands on his hips and proclaims: “WIZ! TO THE WAREDROBEEEEE!”

(You know, for his pants.)

“And then, TO THE WEEDMANNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

(Which is a little more important in the scheme of the story. Not that this story is important.)

After Large pulls on some pants the two head towards the door but then realise that they actually bought some weed like, 3 hours ago.

“Erm, dude…” they say to one another in unison.

“Dude,” The Wiz continues, “I’m pretty sure we bought some weed like, 3 hours ago.”

“Weird,” says Large, “I think the same, too.”

The Wiz leans over and vomits in the umbrella stand by the door, wipes his mouth, straightens his tall, pointy wizard hat and continues the conversation, puke hanging from his beard, as if nothing has happened.

“Man, where would we have put it?”

At that point a tiger seems to wonder through the sitting room, his eyes all red and blood-shot.

“Is it in his mouth?” asks the Wiz.

“No way, dude. Steve has been clean for like… all day now. He’s off the stuff.”

“Oh yeah, I totally forgot. I think all this exercise I’ve been doing lately has been fucking with my head or something.”

“Then quit it, dude. Your butt looks good enough to me, don’t get all self-conscious just because you’re on television now.”

Okay, honestly, this conversation gets really queer, really quick, so to save you the horror, I’ll just fast forward it a little bit…

The scene zips forwards and Large is rubbing Wiz’s but, and vice-versa, and they are pinching and complementing and generally mincing around like a couple of gay lovers, which they aren’t. They totally, totally aren’t.

And, Play…

Largeman is riding Steve the tiger around the living room by now and The Wiz is twisting a ‘Rubix Cube’™ around in his hand.

“Dude, how the hell do I do this thing?”

“WEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!”

Largeman circles his arm around in the air, pretending to be a cowboy, before falling, face first, off the tiger, that isn’t really there (It is, in fact, a child’s tricycle)

A ‘Rubix Cube’™ lands close by as The Wiz tosses it to the floor in frustration.

“All the colours are mixed up. It’s totally trippy, man.”

Large gets back to his feet, a Snickers wrapper stuck to his cheek, and walks back over to The Wiz.

“That tiger is getting fast, dude.”

“Dude, were we looking for something a minute ago?” The Wiz asks.

“Hmm…”

Large scratches his arse, trying to remember what was going on.

“Your shoes?”

“No way man.”

The Wiz kicks his feet out from under his Wizard’s robe.

“Nike Air, BOOYAH!”

So 1994…

“Oh, wait, I got it! We were looking for weed.”

“Oh yeah, that was it…”

Large turns around and looks over the hazy, smoke-filled sitting room. A coffee table is strewn with food packaging, empty soda cans and ash from joints. He thinks it might be over there, but he can’t feel his feet. Dude is WASTED.

“Is it on the table, man?”

“Who’s the Tableman?” The Wiz asks.

“I don’t know, dude.”

“Dude…”

“I don’t think there’s such a thing as a Tableman. Where did you get that from?”

“Dude.” The Wiz says with more insistence.

“Oh, I see… ‘Cause I said ‘table, man’, and you thought I said Tableman. Ha ha, that’s funny.“

Wiz and Large chuckle for a little bit longer than is comfortable. Heck even I, as the omnipotent narrator, am getting a bit uncomfortable up here.

Okay, they stopped now.

“DUDE!” The Wiz exclaims, suddenly realising that he has been trying to get Large’s attention.

“Oh, sorry Wiz, what is it?”

“Dude, where’s the weed?”

“Oh, here it is.” Large replies, pulling a little baggie of weed from his pocket.

“Oh. Phew. We almost had to leave the house without our t-shirts on.”

And the dudes CHILL!

The End.

rant

The Gyant Report: ThreatDown!

December 12th, 2008
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Kobe Gyant

A giant logo fills the screen. It’s so big you can’t even read it all, unless by some fluke you have Kobe’s huge television, but that would be impossible because that would mean you ARE Kobe. But I digress… The words The Gyant Report are in gold over a purply background. Fade into Kobe Gyant, who is seated behind a non-descript desk as deafening cheers are heard, so deafening you’d think they were recorded at a football stadium, but no, Kobe is just a giant draw for random unpaid studio audiences. He is styling in a gray wool cap, gray suit jacket, gray scarf, and a beige vest over his #99 Los Santos basketball jersey. Because, you know, he’s a rookie indy wrestler and high school basketball legend, so he’s loaded and can afford fancy outfits, you know.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Welcome back to “The Gyant Report” everyone. I don’t want to scare you, but I have to. This is the ThreatDown!

A graphic pops up on the screen with a countdown screen and a siren blaring in the background. As we return to Kobe, a picture of American Panda is seen over his left shoulder.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Threat number 3: Bears! Specifically, American Panda, the BOB’s latest substar. When I first heard about American Panda, I thought, great. We’re finally sticking it to China by having some guy steal their culture while wrestling in a panda suit. But no. It’s an actual panda, people! On one episode of iMPLOSION, he ate Luke Warm. He’s been farting Texan for weeks, stinking up the whole locker room.

This godless killing machine wants to eat my jugular at MegaBrawl II. Now I understand there is a bamboo shortage, but still, I say no, sir. My blood may taste like the finest wine, but you will never get the pleasure of tasting Kobe Vintage 2008. Unless you somehow magically transform into a super hot vampiress with huge gazungas, I don’t neck with men. In conclusion, just like the Atlanta Zoo can no longer afford it’s panda cam, The BOB cannot afford to have American Panda main eventing for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS.

A picture of Kurt Angel now appears over Kobe’s left shoulder.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Threat number 2: Angels! No, I’m not talking about K-Rod going to the Mets. I’m talking about one specific Angel. The BOB’s Kurt Angel. Angels are supposed to be messengers of God, while this man appears to be a messenger of that dude from “Pineapple Express”. And trust me, Seth Rogan is not god. If he were, he would’ve gotten Elizabeth Banks to get butt naked in “Zack and Miri make a Porno.”

And Kurt, contrary to what old black and white movies will tell you, it’s not every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings. It’s every time a bell rings, an Angel gets defeated by Kobe Gyant, son! You ain’t gonna be the number one contender for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. And speaking of non-contenders…

A picture of The Great replaces Kurt’s picture over Kobe’s left shoulder.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Threat number one: The Great. Oh yes, Kobe Gyant has looked over your past Rants, The Great. This is a man who has done more doping than the entire Minnesota Vikings defensive line combined! And yet the people cheer this man? Well, The Great, they won’t be cheering you once they see you as the little man you are when compared to Kobe Gyant in the spotlight at the biggest show of them all, MegaBrawl II, son. You’re gonna go down harder than every Denver Broncos running back this year combined with every Spinal Tap drummer ever.

Kobe reaches under the desk.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

There’s more talent in one of my brand new Kobe V.V. (Kobe says Version Five, not two V’s) shoes, now available from shoe gyant Ekin, at stores nationwide that carry the awesome Ekin brand. The Great, you’re about to face an All Star and see first hand why you’re just a bench warmer. Kobe Gyant is gonna lay some voodoo down on you.

Now Kobe brings up a tennis racket from under his desk.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

I’ma sell this bad boy on eBay after it’s covered in blood from me bashing your head in with it, then I’ma sign it, and I’ll be rich, bitch! Just keep hangin’ with that dude who thinks he’s black. You about to feel some real black power. And that’s the wørd. Oh wait. Wrong rip-off. Peace! From the next ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS Kobe space Gyant period! Good night.

Cue closing credits.

Starring
Kobe Gyant

Written By
Kobe Gyant

Produced By
Kobe Gyant

©2008 Face/Heel Partners Unlimited

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Sam, Sam The Dancing Yam Promo

December 10th, 2008
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Sam, Sam the Dancing Yam

***The Scene opens on a Yam Farm outside of New Jersey***

*Sam Sam The Dancing Yam is sitting in his little part of the yam garden. He looks up and sees the camera looking at him recording his every action for the next few minutes while he introduces himself to those that are BOB. Those evil little pricks that call themselves “wrestlers” and those other people that call themselves “Backstage Crew”*

Sam, Sam The Dancing Yam – Well, hello peoples who are out there in the land outside of my lovely Yam patch. I greet you in the name of the great Yam in the sky.

*Sam begins smiling*

SSTDY – Some of you peoples that aren’t my lord and master, Foamy, are probably wondering how I became such a great guy!

*He pulls up a Chalkboard which has some photos tacked to it.*

SSTDY – You see, my Lord and Master, Foamy The Squirrel created me in an evil gentic experiment involving *he points to the respective pictures* Yams, Banana Cream Pie, Squirrel DNA, Human DNA and whatever they where having for lunch that day. And out came *points to himself* ME.

*He puts down the chalkboard smiling to himself and to the audience. After a few moments he looks back down at the chalkboard, scratching his head in confusion*

SSTDY – Since when did we start putting chalkboard randomly around the fields for such explanations like the one I just gave?

*He just shrugs*

SSTDY – Ah well it could be worse. At least they aren’t leaving clones of the Lord and Master. ‘Cause that would just be stupidly random and without reason. That and the last time they did that I had to unleash my secret Yam powers to stop them and Lord Foamy wasn’t very happy about that.

*Anways he turns back to the naughty camera, considering he forgot that I was there for a moment, like he forgets many things. But then again he is part Yam and since when did Yams have memories. Can you really tell me the last time a Yam had a memory?…….. Can’t think of any? Thought so. So :-p to you. Anyways back to Sam.*

SSTDY – Yes, thank you Mr. Commentry person. Not that the audience really needed to have smarmy comments thrown at them did they?

*Not really no. But I was trying to interact with the audience other then letting them know what you’re doing. It can get quite boring doing that you know?*

SSTDY – One can guess. But I’ve got to say goodbye as I think we’re out of time for today.

*But we’ve only just gone over one page on Microsoft word. How can our time be up?*

SSTDY – ‘Cause I was only suppose to introduce myself so my application could go though so just describe me waving goodbye and we can finish our conversation later.

*Okay, but you owe me one for this. Sam, Sam The Dancing Yam smiles graciously out at his audience and waves goodbye.*

SSTDY – Goodbye everyone.

Fade to Black…

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A New Life

December 6th, 2008
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Hamster Girl

[Indigo and Hamster Girl are in a hotel room. The ceiling fan above them wafts cool air onto the tops of their heads as they pack their clothes into a leather suitcase. Indigo is stood on the balcony, sipping chilled brandy from a glass as he stares out at a Caribbean sunset.]

Hamster Girl: Have you seen those cigars?

[Indigo turns his head over his shoulders and shrugs.]

Indigo: We wont get them past customs anyway.

Hamster Girl: But they smell so nice! Way better than that marijuana you bought.

Indigo: We definitely wont get that past customs.

[Hamster Girl stuffs the last of the Hawaiian shirts into the suitcase and tries to close it. She jumps up and sits on the lid to try and get it shut.]

Hamster Girl: You aren’t doing shit! Our flight to America is only in an hour! I bet you didn’t even call a taxi yet.

Indigo: Don’t worry, I did. We’ll be there on time.

[Hamster Girl smiles the cutest smile you’ve ever seen and claps her hands.]

Hamster Girl: Yay!

Indigo: Don’t get too excited, I hear the place we’re going to work for is a real shithole.

[Hamster Girl pouts.]

Hamster Girl: Don’t say that!

Indigo: It’s true. They even had a guy running around covered in dookie with a scat gimmick.

Hamster Girl: What does scat mean?

[He brushes her neon pink hair and pinches her cheeks.]

Indigo: Something you don’t ever want to know about.

Hamster Girl: He’s gone now though, right?

Indigo: Yes, and he’ll never come back. We’ll make that place a much nicer environment to work in.

Hamster Girl: Yay!

[Indigo picks up the plane tickets from the desk and stuffs them into his back pocket. He takes Hamster Girl by the hand and leads her to the door.]

Indigo: Are you ready to start a new life?

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MegaBrawl II Preview!

December 2nd, 2008
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It’s beginning to look at lot like MegaBrawl II! Yes, Brawlers On a Budget’s biggest show of the year, MegaBrawl II, rolls into Sin City Stadium Dec. 13. Here’s what you can expect to see on the great-grandson of them all…

It’s A Wonderful Curtain Jerker Battle Royal! Yes, the winner of this one will get a shot at the Swiss Army Belt sometime down the line. The following BOBsters are scheduled to appear in this match: Little Good, Pigeon, Pretty Boy, Snapmare Kid, Tia Tar, XFactor Pete Trable, and XXXtreme Machine!

Then, two team are dreaming of a title shot for the Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Tag Team Titles, but only one can wrap up the win as The Wizard and Thomas Largeman battle Steel Chair and his apprentice The Human Foreign Object!

Then, it’s a nightmare before Christmas for feuding brothers Axl and Viruz, who are set to go one on one in a Anywhere "Anywhere Is" Is Playing Match.

Insano Mano and Kamikazie Ken have sure been naughty to nice guys Coma and Hallucination Boy. What to do? Rakes On a Plane! Yes siree, we’re gonna send these four guys up on an airplane filled with rakes and let them settle the score.

Is Zombie Mr. Fantastic the grinch who stole Death‘s wife, Katie? Perhaps, but Death and Zombie Mr. Fantastic will finally have it out at MegaBrawl II in a grudge match!

Two men will be walking in a planky wonderland, as Seth Harker puts up his Acting BigBOSSship against Kid Pirate in a Walk the Plank Match!

If all you want for Christmas is some T&A, well then you’re in luck, because Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" will defend her T&A XX Division Title against Jerri Li in a Bra & Panties Soap Suds Match! Ho ho ho!

Joy to the world, a new ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS number one contender is come! But who will it be? Kurt Angel, The Great, Kobe Gyant, or American Panda?

Violent night, holy (shit) night, in the main event, EVERYTHING is on the line as Steve Studnuts defends the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS and his half of the Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Tag Team Titles against Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, who is also putting the Swiss Army Belt and HIS half of the Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Tag Team Titles. The match will be a Nicolas Cage Match, which means various Nicolas Cage DVDs will be hung on the cage and available for use as weapons in the match! Also, SMP has agreed to put his CAREER on the line, so if he loses, he’s done in BOB!

It should be an unforgettable event! Don’t miss it! Send us your money now!

(Card subject to bait-and-switch)

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