BOB eWrestling | Rant Zone Archive!

[The woman laying next to Zombie Mr. Fantastic kisses his few strands of hair as he cuts them with a pair of scissors. He takes his false teeth from a glass of bloody water on the bedside table. He holds them in his hand and moves them like they're talking.]

Mr. Fantastic: hbey anyone got any mints?

[He shoves them into his maggot infested gums. The woman strokes half of his head.]

Mr. Fantastic: Death!

[The woman tries to nibble on his ear but it peels right off and falls onto the shoulder of his Christmas pattern turtleneck sweater. She stops finding the scene funny and climbs out of bed before running off the set. Mr. Fantastic pulls his teeth back out.]

Mr. Fantastic: bhen vhe phplasp cums… yue wilb be wipved out!

[He sits up suddenly in bed, his ribs visible through his chest. He throws a Mario hot water bottle at the camera and shakes his fist. He puts his teeth back in.]

[Static.]

Zombie Mr. Fantastic rant e-fed, e-wrestling, parody, wrestling, Zombie Mr. Fantastic

Dude.

Dude.

Dude, wake up.

Morning, sleepy head. Time for an adventure.

So, The Wiz was dressed all informal, he was in just a plain robe and hat rather than sparkly ones. The dude, he looked sleepy, too.

The Wizard: Yawwwwwwwwwwwwn.

As, indeed, he was sleepy. He held his teddy bear, dressed in matching gown and hat, under one arm and held his arse in the other.

Scratchy scratch, dude.

Thomas Largeman is sat on the sofa, reading his newspaper, and smoking some weed.

Thomas Largeman: Dude… It’s 3pm, WTF

Err, sorry to interject… I should point out that he actually says WTF as if it were a word, so like wtf not W.T.F… Make sense? Okay, carry on…

Thomas Largeman [shuffling his paper and getting back in to character]: WTF dude, it’s 3pm, how can you only just be waking up?

Wiz: Mannn, I am feeling drowsy today, I’ve been up since like 10am, which is reaaaaaal early, but dude I just can’t get myself going today.

Largeman: Still high?

Wiz: AS A KITE, CRACKA!

Largeman: Word.

The Wiz throws some signs down and that brings to a close this pointless scene. BOOYAHHHH! Bye for now.

xx

Thomas Largeman and The Wizard rant e-fed, e-wrestling, parody, The Wizard, Thomas Largeman, wrestling

~~~Steve Studnuts is seen sitting at his computer with the eWmania forums filling the monitor. He scrolls a little, clicks on a subject link or two, then leans back in his chair and sighs deeply. He scratches his head. He reads some more.

Then Connie Lingus, his houseguest arguably hanging around to mooch more than keep the place clean, walks into shot. She looks every bit of Cindy Crawford, Angie Everhart, Sarah Michelle Gellar and Darva Conger. Mostly Darva Conger, especially when it’s cold in the house.

Steve grumbles some more at the screen as Connie strikes up conversation.~~~

Connie: What ya doing, Steve? Plotting revenge against Plants?

Steve: Of course. I’m always doin’ that. If he’d return my calls, I’d fuck with him even more. He’s avoidin’ me. Maybe he’s busy fuckin’ up titties at one of his hack shops. I don’t know…

But I see that despite my repeated calls and us nearly killing his dumb ass at October Surprise in Snore Games, that fucker found the time to enter his promo for the eWmania Championship Tournament. He can’t answer his phone, but he can do that? Funny thing is, he never does a gatdamn promo here but he was the first to do one there. Then Death did his promo. Fuckin’ BOB guys. Lazy as fuck usually, but they are the first two to post in that tournament, I never would have guessed it. Imagine that. The deadline is tomorrow night, a minute till mid, and only three people have said a word. Plants, Death, and some fuck knuckle named Jason Kain.

Connie: Who’s that?

Studs: Fuck if I know. Some dumb fuck that thinks he’s the biggest star in the indy scene, getting million dollar contracts tossed at him. In the fuckin’ independents? Yeah, like they have a fuckin’ million bucks. Get real, dude.

A buddy of mine told me that Kain’s dick must’ve been really tiny when he did that interview. Heh. And they say I have an ego?

Even better, this Kain guy said the tournament would be over when he won it. He’s goin’ to feel really fuckin’ stupid when he doesn’t. Big mouth fucker.

Connie: I take it you don’t like him.

Studs: Like him? I don’t even fuckin’ KNOW him. I haven’t had the time to get to the point where I DON’T like him. Which I wouldn’t. The guy’s a pussy tit weak fuck. He says Death is probably a goofy character that belongs to a fed that relies on joke premises to get over? I’m in BOB, motherfucker. Am I a goofy character? Does this sound like a fuckin’ joke to you? You’re lucky I don’t come on down there to eWmania tournament land and rip your fuckin’ lungs out through your asshole, superstar.

Connie: Oh, stop being a goofy character. You wanna turkey pot pie?

Studs: Mmmm, that sure is temptin’. But I got blackmailin’ to do. Bring me my cell phone.

~~~Connie leaves and moments later, does in fact hand Steve his cell phone.~~~

Studs: This is goin’ to be good…

~~~He waits as the phone rings. After about the fifth ring, a “hello” is heard through the receiver.~~~

Studs: Doc! Buddy, how’s it goin’, jerkweed? [Steve shoos Connie away with a wave of his hand.]

~~~The televised promo on your screen splits into two pictures, diagonally separated evenly from top right to bottom left. Studnuts occupies the upper left screen, Dr. Silaconne M. Plants is in the bottom right screen laying in a hospital bed and heavily bandaged.~~~

Studs: So, you’re NOT dead after all. Fuckin’ pity. I thought we killed you.

SMP: Nope. I’m still kicking. You’re not going to stop me until I take that ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS from you at MEGABRAWL II. Ten years I’ve waited to get my hands on that title. Ten long years. I will NOT be denied.

Studs: Pffft. Whatever. You’ll never win that belt, Plants. You’ll fuckin’ choke like you always do. Speakin’ of which, since you booked yourself into the match, I assume you also booked what type of match it’s gonna be, right?

SMP: Sure did.

Studs: How about sharin’ that info with the rest of us, fuck hole.

SMP: It’s going to be the exact same match I last won a major championship in… the NICOLAS CAGE MATCH!

Studs: Oh goody, a cage match with Nic Cage DVD’s attached to the walls. I’m scared. I’m shaking. I shit myself. Puh-lease!

SMP: I’ve never lost one.

Studs: So? How many have you been in?

SMP: Well… I’ve been in one.

Studs: Against?

SMP: Neige Thirteen.

Studs: BWAAA HAAA HAAAAAA! That guy was banned from the promotion at the time! How could you NOT have won that?

SMP: It was a tough match…

Studs: No, you ain’t fuckin’ seen tough yet. Which reminds me, since it seems like you get to make up all the rules lately, I have some stips of my own for this one.

SMP: Stips?

Studs: Yeah, motherfucker. Stips! Stipulations. You know, put up or fuckin’ shut up stuff. I’m puttin’ up the ONLY and my half of the tag straps, you’re puttin’ up the Swiss and your half of the tag straps, you picked the match so now I get to have some fun. You also have to put up your career.

SMP: Huh?

Studs: Retire, fuck wad. It’s YOUR match, you can’t win it you have to fuckin’ retire.

SMP: I ain’t gonna do it! I can’t put my career up against the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS, that’s too much pressure!

Studs: Oh no, you WILL do it. If not, I’ll close all your titty butcher clinics and put you out of business!

SMP: You’re blackmailing me?

Studs: You gatdamn right I am. I’ll close them all down, “Girl’s Breast Friend” on Areola Avenue and Mammary Lane, “Titties R Us” down on Nipple Drive and B Cup Boulevard, and even that new one you just opened, “Leave it to Cleavage!”

SMP: You’re a rat bastard!

[SMP pauses and thinks for a second or two]

Wait a minute…. you can’t close down my clinics. It’s free enterprise. I have the right to run my business outside of BOB.

Studs: Not without fuckin’ clients, jerkweed.

SMP: Okay. You have my attention.

Studs: I visited “Tit Jobs Gone Wrong” earlier today on the web and the site had thousands of testimonials from chicks whose fun bags got all fucked up. Most of them were done by you.

SMP: That’s ridiculous.

Studs: Oh really? Check this out…

~~~Steve sends SMP this picture over the cell phone. The Doc looks at it momentarily and responds~~~

SMP: That’s not mine. I’ve never seen her before in my life.

Studs: You don’t say? She wrote a message below the image: “Dr. Plants, LOOK what you did to me, you quacker ass quacker! I hope you rot in Hell.” Signed, douja’s ole lady.

SMP: **snicker** Don’t….know….. her. **snicker**

Studs: What about this poor bitch?

SMP: Not a clue who that is…

Studs: She wrote: “Thank you so much, Dr. Plants…”

SMP: SEE! She’s happy! Another satisfied customer…

Studs: You didn’t let me finish, ass gobbler. “Thank you so much, Dr. Plants… for making me look like a goddamned freak! You need to die a slow, painful death, and just before you die, while you can still feel it, maggots should crawl up your pee hole and eat your testicles! I HATE YOU!”

SMP: Yikes.

Studs: Or this one?

SMP: Ummm, she doesn’t ring a bell.

Studs: I bet she fuckin’ could, standin’ 5 feet from it, with her fuckin’ nipples.

SMP: I don’t know her!

Studs: Maybe you’ll remember THIS one?

SMP: Oh Lord. Those look terrible!

Studs: Yeah, she’s not too fond of you either.

SMP: Again, I’ve never met any of these women.

Studs: Bet you’ve seen HER before!

SMP: Good God!

Studs: She writes: “Dr. Plants, I’m constantly squirting silicone out of my super deformed breasts because of your stupid, ignorant, non-medical no-having skills fucking self. I’ll kill you if I ever see you again!”

SMP: I can see why she’s upset, but I didn’t have anything to do with that.

Studs: Right, and U of A knows when to fuckin’ foul at the end of a game. Listen, Plants, either you put up your career, or I’ll plaster these chicks all over every one of your clinics, you’ll never touch a titty again.

SMP: Alright, you got me. I’ll put my career up.

Studs: Say it like I wanna hear it, fucker.

SMP: If I can’t defeat you at MEGABRAWL II and win THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS… I’ll retire from Brawler’s on a Budget.

Studs: I know most of the fuckin’ smart marks out there think that’s an automatic win for you right there, but you fuckin’ people would be wrong. You see, Plants is old. The game’s past his ass. I’m thinkin’ about jumpin’ to other promotions and spreadin’ the love like Trey did. Doin’ so leaves less time for old SMP. Ya dig?

So don’t go bettin’ the fuckin’ farm on him just yet.

SMP: It’s a deal.

Studs: Oh no, I ain’t done. Nurse Heidi is the special referee, and when I’ve won, not only do you have to retire, you have to film “Heidi’s Anatomy, Part 2” starring Nurse Heidi, and STEVE STUDNUTS! That’s right, Doc, you get to be the CAMERA MAN, and I want you to zoom in real close when I splooge all over your girl.

SMP: She’s not my girl.

Studs: Sure, Plants. What the fuck ever.

SMP: Hey, hold on. Did you say, “Heidi’s Anatomy, Part 2”?

Studs: Yeah, I did.

SMP: So there’s a part one?

Studs: Duh? Are you fuckin’ stupid? YEAH! There’s a part one! Didn’t you see it? I sent it to you months ago…

SMP: No.

Studs: You RPed about it, fuckstick.

SMP: Oh yeah, Heidi grabbed it and ran off.

Studs: Yeah, she’s good at grabbin’ and jerkin’ off.

SMP: I said RAN OFF.

Studs: I don’t give a shit what you said. Do we have a deal, or what?

SMP: I said it already! We have a deal!

Studs: Heh. This is too easy. Do you think Heidi is actually gonna count me out? I know she wants to ride the pole again.

SMP: I got your pole, right here, pal. I’ll see you at MEGABRAWL II!

**click**

~~~Steve looks into the camera~~~

Studs: Plants, I almost don’t’ want MEGABRAWL II to get here. The fuckin’ suspense is awesome. I hope it lasts.

Unfortunately for me, it will get here, and the suspense will be gone.

Unfortunately also for you, because MEGABRAWL II is gonna eventually get here… and when it does, and that cage is locked, I’m gonna beat your fuckin’ ass until you’re fuckin’ transparent. Ya dig?

This shit ain’t even gonna be funny.

Whether you agreed to the retirement stip or not, after MEGABRAWL II you wouldn’t have had any other option. The poundin’ I have planned, even if you, by some fuckin’ miracle, win this match… you’re gonna have to retire anyway.

Unlike this time with the blackmail, your retirement after MEGABRAWL II will be from necessity, not by contractual obligations. Ya dig?

I’m gonna fuckin’ beat you to death. Period.

Get it? Got it? GOOD!

Heh.

~~~static~~~

Steve Studnuts rant Death, Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, e-fed, e-wrestling, parody, Steve Studnuts, wrestling

[Scene opens to a dusty, greasy and slob infested bar. There is sawdust covering up puddles of vomit on the floor and dried up ketchup splattered across the walls.]

Hans: Tell it to us Rudolph!

[A ragtag group of turnip chewing ruffians shift out of the way to reveal a delicate looking man in a brown coat sat behind them. He stands up and walks to the middle of the floor, his steel toe capped shoes clicking on the oak floorboards.]

Hans: Move! Move the furniture for Rudolph!

[The drunks grunt lazily and annoyed, but eventually they begin to slide the squeaky wooden tables and chairs up against the walls. Rudolph motions for the men to make a circle in the middle of the floor. He picks a fat, bald guy with pale skin and stands him in the middle.]

Rudolph: You are the sun. The sun doesn’t move, it stays hanging in it’s space of the solar system. This is all it does.

[He lifts up the fat man’s hands, clothed in brown gloves, and shows him to wiggle his fingers.]

Rudolph: It does not break it’s spirit, it is steadfast in it’s reign.

[He grabs another man, in a gray overcoat, and stands him next to ‘the sun.’]

Rudolph: You are mercury, the bringer of madness. It walks right up to the sun and dares to look it in the eye without melting away. The sun raises his eyebrows and questions his power, but mercury is much too small to drive him away.

[He pushes ‘mercury’ to begin walking in a circular motion around ‘the sun’ before bringing a third man, a thin man, into the fray.]

Rudolph: You are venus, a boiling mass of magma burning a scorching hole that rips through the very fabric of space. Molten metal and rock bubble and boil away on your surface.

[He pushes him and finds the forth man.]

Rudolph: You are the earth. And now I will have an explanation that even simple folks like us can understand about immortality. The earth has a face and a back, and as he here faces the sun.

[He grabs a fifth man.]

Rudolph: The moon stands behind him. At this time a cold chill sweeps down his spine. It is a bitter, violent and a nightmarishly dark time. His legs shake beneath him. His hair pouring with sweat. There is silence. Mars is a million miles away.

[He begins to turn the man around so that he faces away from the sun.]

Rudolph: But then an overwhelming heat takes his spine by storm. The cold and dead world is gone, melted away. No feelings of terror remain.

[He starts to turn him again.]

Rudolph: But then comes a return, and he knows that again he must face the vision of hell. But he can take the darkness this time, holding tightly to a memory of the sun.

[The bartender stomps into view.]

Mr. Bagel: That’s enough! Get out of here before I have you all sent to the insane asylum.

[He opens the door, a cold and biting wind awaits them.]

Rudolph: But Mr. Bagel, it’s not over. The warmth of humanity is the only salvation for these lost souls.

Mr. Bagel: I said get out!

[Slowly all the men leave, wrapping themselves in fur coats and scarves. The door slams shut behind them.]

Mercury: What do we do now Rudolph?

Rudolph: The sun will not rise for us, we must wander through the darkness without fear as though we were walking on hot coals.

[They walk in a group through the darkened streets, picked off one by one by homes returned to. Rudolph is the last and enters his three storey house cautiously. His wife, a former circus performer, is sat waiting at the kitchen table.]

Tia Tar: Where have you been?

Rudolph: Drinking, of course.

Tia: I’ve been waiting seven hours for you to come home.

[An empty bottle of wine stands next to her.]

Rudolph: All time is merely a passing of hands on a clock. I could have been gone seven hours or I could have been gone for less than a blink of an eye. All knowledge of measurement is contained within the mind but cannot shape our existence completely.

[She holds a piece of paper out for him to read.]

Rudolph: What is this?

Tia: I’ve found a new job, in America.

Rudolph: You’re leaving Armenia?

Tia: We are.

[He looks down at the paper in bewilderment. It reads ‘Brawlers On A Budget.’]

Tia Tarr rant e-fed, e-wrestling, parody, Tiatar, wrestling

[The camera re-opens, this time outside a small apartment... inside a much bigger apartment BUILDING, somewhere in downtown Sinister City.]

[Axl and Tifa make their way toward the door of the apartment. Axl removes a key from his brand new trenchcoat.]

Axl: In a way, I’m sorta glad to be rid of that “King” persona. Atleast now I can wear cool trenchcoats instead of that stupid, tired old robe!

Tifa: Yeah, but why’d you have to get it from “Goth Topik”? I mean, don’t you think we had enough of that place back in Nowhere, Oklahoma?

Axl: Hey, even if I am grunge now, that place is STILL rad! They’re so hardcore! I mean, didn’t you see those Trollz? Their heads were skulls, Tifa! SKULLS!

Tifa: Yup, nothing says “hardcore” like an adorable little doll with colorful hair.

Axl: I know, right?!

Tifa: … OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR!

Axl: Alright, alright! Jimminy Christmas, don’t get your panties in a bunch…

Tifa: Like I’m even wearing any…

Axl: Ewww! I sooo didn’t need to know that!

Tifa: … You ARE gay, aren’t you?

Axl: >:^(

[Axl unlocks the apartment, and the two step inside. Everything's a mess... from the stained carpet, to the holes in the ceiling... and of course, the holes AND stains on the walls.]

Tifa: Well… seeya.

Axl: What?! You’re not living with me?!

Tifa: Axl, you’ve had your stable mates stay with you ever since you stepped foot inside a BoB ring. It’s time for you to break out on your own, don’t you think?

Axl: But…

Tifa: Besides, there ain’t no chance in HELL I’m stayin’ in this roach motel. I’ve got my own place on the west side of town… you know, the classier section. A cozy little one bedroom house. Nothing big, but it sure beats this dump.

Axl: One bedroom? So… you’re living by yourself?

Tifa: Oh, no. I’ve got a boyfriend… well, two… or three…. Ok, I’ve got five boyfriends. At the moment. And they all sleep with me one night of the week. I’ve ALWAYS got a man in bed keeping me company.

Axl: In other words… you’re a slut.

Tifa: HEY! I’ll have you know I am NOT a slut! I’m… well, I just get around, that’s all.

Axl: Suuure. ;^)

Tifa: Oh screw off! Honestly, if I didn’t know for certain that I can turn you into a cash cow, I’d ditch YOUR ass this time! I’ll never forget you leaving me for that floozie, Rose.

Axl: Yeah, well, you should just be glad I didn’t do to you what I did to her.

Tifa: Hey, trust me, I saw iMPLOSION 9. You practically slaughtered the poor tramp! Really, watching you and your brother rip her apart… It was kinda cool to watch.

Axl: Yeah, but I did most of the work. I mean, Vi couldn’t beat the crap out of a woman by himself. What makes him think he’s got a shot against a real MAN like me?

Tifa: Heheh, yeah. Just don’t try any of that “shocking swerve” crap on me, got it?

Axl: Oooh, yeah, I’m sure you’ll… heehee… kick my ASS! HAHAHA!

Tifa: Nah. I’ll just get my lawyer to sue you for every penny you have, effectively ending your career, and having you wind up on the streets, sucking cock for spare change.

Axl: …

Tifa: I’ll catch ya later, k? I’ve got dinner with Ralph. Or is it Lawrence… Dammit, I always get those two mixed up. Anyway, have fun in your new dump. Er… apartment. Ciao!

Axl: …

[Tifa exits the apartment, leaving Axl a bit concerned. He walks toward his couch, and plops down.]

Axl: OUCH!

[Axl lifts up and looks down at the couch seat... where a spring is poking out.]

Axl: Dammit, this place SUCKS! Well, atleast there’s a tv.

[Axl flips on the tube... The news is the first thing Axl sees.]

CJ Mathews: Hello folks, and welcome to the 6 o’clock Newz. The results for the Sinister City election are in.

Axl: Yay. Color me excited. I’m just JUMPING for joy, over here…

CJ Mathews: And it’s a tie.

Axl: Lucky bum! That guy should – … Hold on a sec… What do you mean a TIE?!

CJ Mathews: You know, a tie. When two or more competitors come in at the same ranking, score, or number?

Axl: …

CJ Mathews: Yes, both candidates tied… at zero votes each. And so, it is with much honor that I now announce the city’s new CO-mayors, who are as follows. First of all, Tony Fark, who formerly went by the last name of his half brother Mario Spaghetti. He now goes under his REAL name, the name given to him by his father. His brother Mario has also decided to use HIS father’s last name, as he becomes sole owner of the family pizza parlor. From now on he will be reffered to as – Mario Luigi. “Mario’s Pizza and Games” opens to the public next week. And as for Tony’s co-mayor, our roving reporter Rebecca Mulesworth is standing by with him now…

[The screen switches to the mayor's office in the mayor's mansion, where Tony Fark is sitting at the mayor's desk... playing some sort of handheld system. Rebecca stands beside the desk, microphone in hand.]

Rebecca: Thank you, CJ. Uhm… well, I was supposed to meet Mr. Fark’s co-mayor today, but I’ve only been able to find Mr. Fark himself. Tell me Mr. Fark, what are you playing?

Tony: It’s called a DS-P, and it’s from Vi-Tech. Vi-Tech is a small company led by our former mayor’s esteemed brother. Yes, Viruz, the man who gave the world the X-Station Wii60. I’m proud to be the beta tester for this genius device, which is set to be released soon, just in time for Christmas.

Rebecca: You’re being paid to sponsor this thing, aren’t you.

Tony: Well… yes. But I just LOVE this “Brain Weight” game.

Rebecca: Brain… Weight?

Tony: Yes! It’s a game that allows you to determine how smart you are, simply by inputing the weight of your brain!

Rebecca: But… how exactly are you planning on finding out the weight of your brain? Wouldn’t you have to dig it out first?

Tony: You’re absolutely right! Which is why I plan on using that scalpel over there pretty soon!

[Tony points at a scalpel on the desk. Rebecca looks at the scalpel... and then stares at Tony, completely confused.]

Rebecca: Uhm… sir? Don’t you think that may be a bit… dangerous?

Tony: … You’re right!

[Tony chucks the handheld across the room, causing it to break apart.]

Tony: Piece ah junk! That’s the last time I buy a game from that stupid ol’ gypsy!

Rebecca: … I thought you said Viruz made that?

Tony: I don’t have any viruses! Crabs maybe.

Rebecca: … Where’s raYne?

[Suddenly, a knock is heard from under the desk. raYne shoots up... and wipes his lip.]

[Tony zips up his pants.]

Rebecca: Oh… my… GOD. You’re telling me you were under there the WHOLE time?! You… you were sucking his…

raYne: Oh calm down sweetie! I wasn’t pulling a Lewinsky if that’s what you were thinking!

Rebecca: … You weren’t?

raYne: Nooo, of course not! I’m not Tony’s intern! I’m his co-mayor!

Rebecca: … So?

raYne: That makes this way, WAAAY different! Honey, Monica was sucking Billy C’s schlong to make her job a bit cushier. But I’ve got just as much power as Farky over here. I was just doing it because, well, I likey me some dick!

Rebecca: …

raYne: So, what were you waiting on lil’ ol’ me for?

Rebecca: Uhm… I just… uh…

Tony: Hey, wait a minute… I just noticed something! raYne, you were down there for like an hour! You couldn’t have been tying my shoe! And why are my pants wet…

Rebecca: … Back to you CJ. Sheesh…

[Back in the apartment, Axl clicks off the tv. He fumes with anger...]

Axl: I cannot BELIEVE this! Not only is Tony the mayor… but so is RAYNE! And the worst part is, there’s nothing I can do about it! I no longer have any power in this city… I’m nothing more than a commoner!

Axl: I’m stuck at the bottom… climbing my way back to the top.

Axl: I’ve been forced to begin again…

[Axl looks into the camera.]

Axl: And Viruz… brother… this is ALL your doing. The loss of my mayorship? Your doing. Michelle leaving me? Your doing. The destruction of MY castle? YOUR doing. Every single loss I’ve suffered over the past year? Your doing! The Fall of the Hierarchy?! YOUR DOING!!!

Axl: But… when the Viruz is finally cleaned from BoB’s system? When your blood stains the mat… every last inch of Sin City Stadium… and the STREETS of Las Vegas?

Axl: When the only member of the Hierarchy left in BoB… is the one who began its rise all those months ago? Then…

Axl: THEN…

Axl: It shall be my doing.

Axl: You chose not to Believe, dear brother. Now… you shall be left.

[Axl reaches into his trenchcoat pocket... and pulls from it his iPod. He pushes the headphones into his ears... and presses play.]

“I walk the maze of moments.
But everywhere I turn to
Begins a new beginning
But never finds a finish.
I walk to the horizon,
And there I find another.
It all seems so surprising,
And then I find that I know…
You go there, you’re gone forever.
I go there, I’ll lose my way.
If we stay here were not together…”

|anywhere is|

Axl rant Axl, e-fed, e-wrestling, parody, Viruz, wrestling

[The camera opens upon a guillotine... standing ominously in the center of the Castle's front yard.]

[Many of the townspeople have gathered around. Bakers ... car dealers... resteraunt owners... even the chief of police.]

[Four people stand behind the guillotine... their hands and feet shackled, and their faces awash in terror...]

[Former Hierarchy member, Tony Spaghetti.]

[Owner of the local pizza parlor, Mario Spaghetti.]

[Roving Reporter for Sinister Newz, Rebecca Mulesworth.]

[And snOw, sister of former Hierarchy member raYne.]

[Sinister Newz anchorman CJ Mathews had reported earlier on in the day that tonight, these four men and women shall be stripped of their life. They have all spent the day... every passing hour... feeling their lives slip away.]

Sir Lancelot: Ladies and gentlemen… It is my great honor to now present to you… your highness… his majesty… THE KING!

[Suddenly, an Elvis impersonator runs out from the crowd, and begins to gyrate, as the audience chortles.]

Sir Lancelot: GUARDS!!! Remove this swine from the courtyard, and toss him into the dungeon!

“Elvis”: Thank ya, thank ya very- HEY! Watch it with that sword son, yer bruisin’ muh hunka-hunka-burnin’-ass!

[A trio of guards drag the Elvis impersonator away from the scene, heading toward the dungeon to lock him up.]

Sir Lancelot: Now… the one TRUE king… KING AXXXLLL!!!

[A pair of spotlights shine through the night, as the drawbridge lowers. Knights standing upon the castle's turrets drop confetti down upon the ground below, as the sounds of trumpets and drums fill the air.]

[A commentary desk has been set up beside the moat.]

Wes Rivers: Hello sports fans, and welcome to the first annual Beheading-Mania!!! Heads will roll! This night is sure to be filled with blood, blood, more blood, and October Surprises!

JJ Mynuz: Yo, yo, yo bro…. It’s November.

Wes Rivers: Ah… so it is. In that case, this night is sure to be filled with November… uh… SHOCKING TWISTS!

JJ Mynuz: Yo, yo, yo… Why’d I have to replace Rex Winters again?

Wes Rivers: Because he couldn’t afford a plane ticket out of hell. They’re expensive this time of year.

JJ Mynuz: Yo dawg, dat’s some fxed up crazy sheet right durr.

Wes Rivers: Indeed.

["King" Axl steps through the massive door... a solemn expression spread over his face. He is obviously still healing from the attack his brother dished out to him. I say "obviously", mainly due to the fact that instead of carrying a king's scepter, Axl is carrying a crutch, which he uses to slowly make his way across the drawbridge. Axl breathes heavily with every step he takes... his rusty crown barely staying atop his head, as every time he moves his entire body shakes in pain. His long, tattered and torn robe whips harshly in the cold November wind. The corners of his eyes swell with tears, as he tries desperately to endure the aches in his back and the pounding in his head. Axl finally makes it to the front of the towns people... and he stares at them. He stares and he stares, without muttering a single word. He knows deep down within his soul that not a one of them care for him... And that they'd rather see him die before living another year with him as their mayor. And yet, Axl holds back these thoughts... insisting to believe within his mind that they all adore him.]

[That they are his flock... and he is their shephard.]

Axl: Citizens of the Sinister Kingdom… a dark day has descended upon us. My brother… my very own flesh and blood brother… has betrayed not only me, but this entire city. First? He released the most vile, contemptuous criminal in the Kingdom, without even a moment’s notice… not letting a soul know, and allowing for the wretched bird to come and go from the castle dungeon as he pleased. I had come to believe that the man known as Pigeon was well taken care of, locked away within this castle’s dungeon… when in fact, he had free pass all along to come and go as he wished. And now? NOW?! My brother… he has stabbed me in the back. And not only has he stabbed me in the back, but he’s dug the dagger deep into my skin, and drawn it downward… alongside my spine, and allowing for the blood to flow freely.

Axl: My brother… is now my most sworn enemy.

Axl: And I will not rest until he is no more.

Wes Rivers: Stirring words from our King, wouldn’t you say JJ?

JJ Mynuz: No diggity, no doubt bay-bee! What what! Word to yo’ gram gram!

Wes Rivers: … Yeah, that is a pretty lame line when you think about it.

JJ Mynuz: Jigga-wha’?

[Axl hears the talking between the two "commentators", and can't help but turn his attention to the duo.]

Wes: It appears as though our esteemed mayor is looking in our very direction!

JJ: Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, YO! … Wassssaaaappppp! Yo, King, how’s ’bout you an’ me go shoot some hoops aftah dis speech you layin’ down fah deez clowns? I’ll bet you fiddy bucks I can beat yo’ ass in one on one! I’mma rake them benjamins in like they red an’ yellah leaves, ya hurrrd me?! Damn straight, I’mma pick up that cash flow, ya know, cuz it’s all about dat money, money, yeah, yeah! Lemme hear yall say it! It’s about dat money, money -

Crowd: …

JJ: Dat money, money -

Crowd: …

JJ: … Ya know what, fuck yall. I’m goin’ back tah West Newberry… I’m like da only black guy there, but atleast they respect my black ass! My rap skills may suck, but atleast I’m bettah on da mic than dat John Semen foo’… Peace in!

[JJ removes himself from the desk, and walks off.]

Wes: Well… maybe I should send Rex a cab. I’m sure the fare out of hell isn’t THAT much… Not so sure about the fare back TO hell… Cabbies aren’t usually as eager for that trip.

Axl: WES! I could have sworn I got rid of you a long, LONG time ago! Now, since you’re right next to the damn moat… I think it’s time you met my friend Wally.

Wes: Wally? Is he you’re life partner?

Axl: I AM NOT GAY!!!

Wes: Oh, it’s fine Axl! I mean, now that Michelle’s out of the picture, you’ve gotta have SOMEONE. There’s nothing wrong if that someone happens to have a penis twice as long as your baby carrot dick.

Axl: ARRGGH!!! Meet Wally… Wally GATOR!

[Axl drops the crutch, and kicks Wes' desk back into the commentator's chest, knocking both him and the table into the moat, ala the movie "300"... only if that scene were played out between a guy sitting behind a desk and a flaming homosexual.]

Axl: FOR THE LAST TIME, I… AM… NOT… GA-

> > > Flash Report From Sinister Newz < < <

CJ Mathews: Folks, I've just received word that Viruz, the brother of our city's King, has called in the feuding brothers' father, Judas Van Halen. Judas has promised to lend his 100% support to the younger of the two brothers, as he says our mayor, Axl, has never shown him the respect a father deserves. He's told Sinister Newz that "after busting his ass for Axl when he was a kid, providing him with a home, three meals a day, and all the love a dad can give, THIS is the way Axl repays him?" Sue Bastian Bach, Viruz and Axl's mother, and our city's former mayor, issued a rebuttle ; "Judas, you do remember we sold Axl for concert tickets... right? We never even saw him until he was a part of BoB!", to which Judas responded, "...Oh." Judas remains on the side of Viruz, and in a great show of support, Judas will be standing at ringside during Viruz's match against his older brother. Sue responded to this by simply stating that she has always loved her son Axl, no matter what he has done... and that she WILL stand at ringside, in his corner, as he takes on his younger brother, December 6th at MegaBrawl 2, live and only on On-Demand. The event will be hosted from the gorgeous outdoor Sin City Stadium, and will be the grandest spectacle of the year for Brawlers on a Budget. Now back to your regularly scheduled long-ass rant.

> > > End Flash Report < < <

Axl: AND ANOTHER THING -

[Hey, could ya hurry this up, it's already 6am, and I really don't feel like writing 2 more hours worth of crappy dialogue.]

Axl: >:^(

[ :^P ]

Axl: Fine! Ladies and gentlefolk, I have brought out all four of my prisoners here upon this night. Up until October Surprise, I had planned on allowing them to slowly rot away… giving them a lifetime of torture and dreadful meals, so that I can spend the rest of my life returning to them the hell they put me through. But, after seeing Pigeon escape so easily from his chains…

[The Elvis impersonator is seen running out of the dungeon and toward the castle gates... shouting "Axl ain't nothin' but a hound dog!" all the way home.]

Axl: I really need to buy better prison chains… The generic brand just isn’t cutting it. … Anyway, seeing as it’s so hard to keep good prisoners these days… I’ve decided to do away with them here and now. Tonight, each of these four will meet their fate. A grisly fate, which you are all well aware of from the guillotine you see before your eyes. Allow this display tonight to be a lesson to you all. Do not follow in the footsteps of these four… nor the footsteps of that bastard brother of mine. I took him into my home… I allowed him to bask in my glow. I gave him the chance to team with ME, a God amongst mortal men… and to eat, sleep, and drink here, within the confines of the most grandiose palace in all of the kingdoms of all the world.

Axl: I gave my very SOUL to my brother.

Axl: And how did he repay me? By costing me a match with American Panda… By kicking me in the FACE… and by putting me in a match against him, with my career on the line!

Axl: Viruz… wherever you are… When MegaBrawl arrives, I will release upon you the frustrations I’ve let bottle up within for far too long… I will savor every scratch I leave upon your body… I will relish in your ruin…

Axl: And I will watch my hands grip themselves around your throat… and choke the air from your lungs… and finish you. Once and for all.

Axl: People of Sinister City… do not follow in these four people’s footsteps… but most of all, do not follow in those of Viruz. For if you do? You shall meet with the very same fate as them.

Axl: Death… at my hands.

Axl: The Hierarchy is dead. Long live the King.

[Axl snaps his fingers, and Lancelot grabs snOw by the back of her hair... shoving her head into the guillotine, and locking it down, so she may not move.]

[Axl lowers down beside her, and growls in her face... speaking venomously... spitting in her face with every word.]

Axl: It’ll be my pleasure to take your life first, snOw. All that you represent… the same level of raging homosexuality that your brother possesses. It SICKENS me. After years of hearing everyone label me a queer, it’s become one of my life’s goals to remove every last gay man, lesbian woman, and bisexual WHATEVER from the face of this earth. Seeing as I won’t have the chance with your brother… I guess I’ll have to start with you.

Axl: See you in hell.

[Axl stands and raises a thumb to the air. The executioner holds the rope connected to the blade... Axl turns his thumb over, signalling downward. The executioner releases the rope, sending the blade down... down... and finally - ]

> > > Flash Report From Sinister Newz < < <

CJ Mathews: Folks, I've just received word from the city council members, that due to our current mayor beheading one of the town's citizens just as this report began, he is hereby stripped of his position as mayor!

> > > End Flash Report < < <

Axl: ... They can't do that!

> > > Flash Report From Sinister Newz < < <

CJ Mathews: This just in - Yeah. They can. Effective immediately, Axl has been ousted from his position as mayor, due to rampant acts of stupidity, as well as being a total jackass. I mean, come on, seriously, who cuts some chick's head off simply because she's a lesbian? Sounds like something some evangelical goon like Jerry Falwell would consider. You know, if he weren't dead. An election has been ordered, and will take place in the later part of this rant. For Sinister News, I'm CJ Mathews saying, fuck you Axl, may you burn like a cockroach in a microwave.

> > > End Flash Report < < <

Axl: … GODDAMIT!!! You people can’t do this!!! You love me! You know it, I know it, this whole damn city knows it! Every last one of you worship the ground I walk on!

Citizen in the Third Row: Actually… no. We don’t.

Axl: … Well. Atleast I still have my beautiful castle!

[Suddenly, a humongous wrecking ball soars through the air, colliding with the huge castle... and instantly wipes it to the ground. Axl only hears the impact... but when he turns around and sees the damage which has been done, he drops to his knees.]

Axl: No… NOOO!!! This… this can’t be happening. I’ve lost my girlfriend… I’ve lost my home… I’ve lost the mayorship… I’ve lost the Hierarchy… I’ve lost on Jeopardy.

*rimshot*

Axl: And my brother… he’s deserted me. I just keep losing and losing… and losing.

Axl: …

[Axl remains on his knees... staring off into the wreckage that used to be his castle.]

???: The King is dead, I suppose.

Axl: … Is… is that an angel?

???: Nah. He left your butt too. Kurt’s gone… but I’m here.

Axl: Wait a minute… I know that voice!

[Axl stands up... Huh, maybe his mom's already arrived. Ready to throw her support behind her baby boy at the biggest show of the year. Isn't that speeecial... ]

[Axl rises to his feet, turns around, and... hold the phone...]

Axl: TIFA!!! Am I ever glad to see you!

Tifa Bon Jovi: You better be. I think I have a deal that’s going to pull your career out of the gutter it’s been in for the past… year. Make that two. By the way, narrator boy. The last name’s WITHERSPOON. Axl made me change it to Bon Jovi. But from now on, Axe? I’ll be the one telling YOU what to do, capice?

Axl: Hey, if you think you can help me, I’ll call you anything your little heart desires. ;^)

Tifa: You can call me “agent”, because from now on, that’s what I’ll be. I need you to be the client that saves my so-far crummy agency. And the first step to doing that -

[Tifa reaches into her pocket and pulls out an iPod.]

Tifa: – is this baby right here.

[Tifa hands this over to Axl... who looks at it strangely.]

Axl: Uhm… what exactly am I supposed to do with an iPod?

Tifa: Listen to music. Duh.

Axl: -_-

Tifa: But seriously. I’ve got about twenty two tracks on that thing. And each and every one of them is “Anywhere Is”, by Enya. And it’s on an infinite loop. All you have to do is shove the headphones into your ears, press play, and Anywhere YOU Is? That’s where “Anywhere Is” is! :^D

Axl: Tifa… you’re a fucking GENIUS. It’s gonna be a pleasure having you work for me.

Tifa: Erm, correction. You’ll be working for ME. Whatever I tell you to do, you’ll do. Otherwise, your career is going to go down the drain faster than a turd in a vaccum.

Axl: Well fine. But I just want you to do one thing for me.

Tifa: And what’s that?

Axl: Show me the money.

Tifa: … What?

Axl: I said… show me the money.

Tifa: What money?

Axl: … No, you’re supposed to SAY it. Say, “Show me the money”.

Tifa: No.

Axl: Oh come on! Say it Tifa! You know you wanna! Say, “Show me the money!”

Tifa: UGH… Show me the money. There, now can we please jet? If I’m ever going to save your career, I’m going to need to do a whole helluva lot of work…

Axl: Not yet! I need you to say it, one more time, with feeling! Show me the money!!!

Tifa: … Show me the money!!!

Axl: Again, and louder! SHOW ME THE MONEY!!!

Tifa: SHOW ME THE MON-AAAYYY!!!

Axl: Yeah! Now say it one more time, this time while I’m grabbing onto your boobies!

Tifa: -_-

Axl: Er…

Tifa: Axl… If I didn’t need you, you’d be lying flat on your ass right now.

Axl: Just one boobie?

Tifa: AXL!!!

Axl: Sorry.

|continued|

Axl rant American Panda, Axl, e-fed, e-wrestling, Kurt Angel, parody, Viruz, wrestling

[Open to a white bathroom, lit by an overhanging bulb, as Jerri Li dabs at an entire galaxy of cuts on her face. Christian St. Christian and Scatman are stood in the background with their arms folded. ]

Jerri (pulling a big string of cartilage out): Forget it, the show’s cancelled.

CSC: But what about my match against a bunch of earthworms?

Scatman: Fuck your earthworms… I was going to get to have sex with her in the middle of the ring!

Jerri: If you won, which you wouldn’t have.

CSC: Why don’t you just go and fuck yourself?

Scatman: Why don’t you go shove those stupid earthworms up your ass?

[Jerri looks back into the mirror and sighs as the two men behind her squabble like children.]

Jerri: You know what? You guys were disgusting, vile, humiliating to be associated with. But with all the shit you’ve been pulling I totally fucked up my match. Sarah didn’t even bleed for Christ’s sake!

Scatman: Screw that bitch, we’re just here to make BOB NC-17.

Jerri: Fuck you guys.

[In an unexpected, but not all that surprising, turn of sadism she smashes the mirror with her fist and attacks The Fetish Freaks with shards of broken glass. They stumble backwards out of the bathroom, caught off guard. Jerri grabs a razor sharp steel net, which she just happened to have lying around, and throws it over Scatman, cutting him into thousands of tiny chunks. Christian St. Christian just runs off never to be heard from again.]

Jerri: Much better.

Jerri Li rant Christian St. Christian, e-fed, e-wrestling, Jerri Li, parody, Sarah "The Jobber Slayer", Scatman, wrestling

RESULTS FROM BRAWLERS ON A BUDGET’S OCTOBER SURPRISE (PART 2)

Steve Studnuts wanted to send a message Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, the man he’ll face next month at MegaBrawl II in the main event. Mission accomplished. Studnuts, along with Seth Harker, Kurt Angel, Sarah “The Jobber Slayer” and Death beat on Plants until he was unconscious at the end of the Snore Games main event at October Surprise. Plants was on Studnuts’ team, but that didn’t matter to Studnuts tonight. It wasn’t about a win or a loss. Studnuts wanted to hurt SMP. Here’s how it all came about.

-Part 2 kicked off with Sarah confronting Trey Vincent out back about Vincent’s departure from BOB. After discovering Vincent was with her sister, Michelle, in the limo, Sarah decided to give Michelle a new gimmick: Scatwoman.

-Pretty Boy defeated Kamikazie Ken in a brutal affair that ended after some sneakery by the parrot involving a barbed wire cracker. Insano Mano tried to come out to help Ken, but he was assaulted by Coma, and Hallucination Boy and some rakes.

-Backstage, Jerri Li and Scatman tried to come up with some match stipulations for a contest at Deathmatchapalooza. However, that event looks to be off as Jerri Li was seriously hurt in Snore Games later this evening.

-Up next, Kay Fabe interviewed Angel, who had yet another surprise for the BOB fans. He was no longer going to face Zombie Mr. Fantastic. His replacement: Misty Waters. Death wasn’t happy about this, and it looked like the former Skull & Stoned Society friendship was about to implode.

-Waters was victorious in her match against Mr. Fantastic by disqualification, due to Katie Death eating her to death, which was against the rule Vincent had set in place at the beginning of October Surprise. Post-match, Death and Zombie Mr. Fantastic brawled.

-Kay Fabe interviewed Team Studnuts. Things of note: Kay Fabe and Lindsay Lohan have quite a few things in common; Black Power; and Studnuts and Sarah are apparently going to get drunk and hook up later.

-American Panda defeated Axl in a Bamboo on a Bamboo Pole Match. Viruz played a pivotal role near the end of the match, turning on his brother for months (and years) of abuse. Now set for MegaBrawl II: Viruz vs. Axl in an Anywhere “Anywhere Is” Is Playing Match.

-Kay Fabe interviewed Team Greatful Dead next. Things of note: Death promised he wouldn’t betray the team, Pirate rap, and Mr. Stabby.

-While The Flunky and the ring crew assembled the Snore Games cage for the main event, we went to some pre-taped action: D-Van Drudley, Rubba Ray Drudley and Long Schlong Drudley vs. Small Tyke Drudley, Little Good, and Pigeon. The good guys won after a surprise cameo by BOB legend douja!

-Main event time. And it is possibly the bloodiest match in BOB history. Team Great (The Great, Death, “XFactor” Pete Trable, Kid Pirate, and Jerri) defeated Team Studnuts (Studnuts, Plants, Harker, and Sarah) when Plants was unable to continue. The match kicked off with a surprise as Angel became the fifth member of Team Studnuts to kick off the first five-minute period against Jerri.

Death was the third entrant, and that’s when his true colors were revealed. He quickly turned on Jerri, and Kurt and Death spent the next two minutes pounding on Jerri. Things only got worse two minutes later as Studnuts entered the cage to make it three-on-one! That numbers game made all the difference the rest of the way through. By the time Pirate entered, he had to fight Studnuts, Death, and Angel all by himself for two minutes. Then Harker entered the fray to make the odds even worse. Trable entered next, followed by Sarah, The Great, and finally Plants. Just when things seemed all even, as Plants made it clear he wouldn’t fight on the same side as Studnuts, things got bad.

The Great was lovecuffed to the ropes. Sarah kicked open the cage door and Team Studnuts tossed Jerri, Pirate and Trable out of the cage, before locking the door shut. While Sarah tickled The Great, hoping for a submission, Studnuts, Harker, Death and Angel beat on SMP relentlessly, until finally after multiple Death Valley (Of The Sun) Drivers, SMP was knocked out and the match ended.

MegaBrawl II, BOB’s biggest show of the year, should be off the charts next month. Until then, check out October Surprise (Part 2)!

Ted news brawlers on a budget, e-fed, e-wrestling, parody, wrestling

[FADE IN: on AMERICAN PANDA drinking at a bar in Texas. He's wearing a bald skull cap on the top of his American mask and is drinking some beers at the bar. The bartender is clearly exhausted by the conversation.]

BARTENDER: DO. YOU. WANT. A. NOTH. THER. BEER?

AMERICAN PANDA: I beg your pardon?

B: God damn motherfucken motherfucker! I just wanna know if you want a beer.

AP: I beg your pardon?

B: Look. This gimmick never went down well for Austin. It’s not gonna go down well for you. What’s your caper anyways and why the Hell can I understand what a panda is saying to me.

AP: Listen in, smackbawls, American Panda knows what gets over with the fans and he IS what gets over with the fans. Have you not watched any October Surprise?

B: October Surprise? It’s November.

[American Panda looks at the calendar over the bartender's shoulder and then shrugs.]

AP: Ermm…. SURPRISE! That’s the surprise. It is in November.

B: That surprise is lame!

AP: I don’t see you surprisin’ me with anything.

B: That beer is urine.

[American Panda looks down at the beer in his paw.]

AP: Touche.

[He turns and looks around the bar, sees some guys playing cards over by the window and he picks up his guitar and wanders over.]

AP: You know, my daddy owns a rasslin’ promotion and he says I can be the champ.

CARD PLAYER 1: That’s good, panda, but we’re busy playin’ cards.

AP: I can play cards.

CARD PLAYER 2: Good for you. Unless you’re buyin’ in you better get to steppin’.

AP: All I’ve got is some bamboo coins.

CP1: Yen?

AP: Yup.

CP2: Just so happens we’re playin’ for Yen.

B: In Texas? That’s just Un-American!

AP: If I could be serious for just a minute… I’d like to buy in.

[American Panda sits down at the table and tosses a pawful of bamboo Japanese Yen on the table. CP2 deals and American Panda looks at his cards. They put out the flop and make their bets. Then out comes the community card and some more bets. Then finally the river. American Panda goes all in with his bamboo yen and CP1 shows he has a full house. American Panda has a pair of 16s. He tosses his cards down angrily.]

AP: DAMN!

B: What the Hell is a panda doing in my bar?

AP: I dunno. I just wound up here after bashin’ my wife coz she wouldn’t make jugular flavoured cookies.

B: Jugular flavour?

AP: That’s right. I walked in she said “Do you smell what the Wok is cooking?” And I told her she’s baking cookies all wrong.

B: The Wok is cooking? Where are you from? WWF?

AP: Whatever Wrestling Federation? I wish. They PAY their superstars. I’m from BOB.

B: Bear On Bear action?

AP: No. But that’s a great site. Ever seen Two Bears One Cup? Brilliant film work.

B: What’s the point of this?

AP: Me eatin’ your jugular.

B: MY jugular?

AP: That’s right. I’ma eat ya fucken jugular!

[American Panada pounces over the bar and starts chewing on the bartender's neck as the camera fades to black.]

[The moral of the story is always have a plot when RPing.]

[This has been brought to you by Bamboo Yen and Southern Fried Jugulars cookies, now with 17% more scream.]

American Panda rant American Panda, e-fed, e-wrestling, parody, wrestling

Fade to black. Just that creepy song. Whoops. The lens cap is on. Ah, there we go. Fade in on a shadowy figure walking toward a chair that’s set up across from a huge 150-inch plasma television screen showing “The Curse of Michael Myers”. Does that shadowy figure have…a knife? He’s definitely holding something in his hand. LOOK OUT KOBE!

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Damn, I hate this movie.

The figure raises the “weapon” quickly.

<--Mike "The Monotone" Monroe-->

Hi Kobe.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Mike? You tryin’ to give a brotha a heart attack? How did you get past the moat, the alligators, the dogs, the barbed wire fence, the land mines, the eye scanner, and those guys who were too crazy to work for Blackwater USA?

<--Mike "The Monotone" Monroe-->

I came around back.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Damn, forgot about the back. What you want, Mike?

<--Mike "The Monotone" Monroe-->

I was just wondering what your thoughts were after being victorious at October Surprise and being undefeated here in Brawlers on a Budget?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

How can a Gyant get any bigger? I don’t know but I’m a freak of nature. I’m so big after October Surprise that tomorrow I’ve got an audition for a TV commercial. So keep an eye out for Kobe Gyant starring as Snoop Doggy Dogg in “Mic Villain.” Na mean?

<--Mike "The Monotone" Monroe-->

“Mic Villian”?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

It’s like “Guitar Hero”, but you rap instead. They better not dress me up like Tom Cruise and have me dance around like an Axl or I’ll poke someone’s eye out, you know? This movie is stupid. If I was Michael Myers I’d be stabbing women with my penis, not a knife. What fun is that? If I was in Star Wars, I wouldn’t even NEED a light saber, son. I’d be Kobe Wan Nablowme.

<--Mike "The Monotone" Monroe-->

But enough about your genitalia. Were you trying to make a statement at October Surprise?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

About wantin’ to give Kay Fabe a Gyant orgasm? Nah, man. I’m down whenever she’s down. On her knees or her back or my face, whatever she wants to do. If Kay wants the best 24 hours of her life, all she has to do is come knocking. Then I’ll knock her til she comes and comes again.

<--Mike "The Monotone" Monroe-->

So, what’s next for Kobe Gyant?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Well, as everybody knows, I temporarily suspended my bid to become ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS. However, I’m restarting my campaign now that I’ve destroyed the 4 Steelchairs and Va-Jay-Jay Dillon in Snore Games and plan to take the next step at MegaBrawl II. But before we talk about that, you know, there was some other guy running around the Rant Zone, acting like he’s oppressed here in BOB and finding inspiration from Barack Obama, or B-Ob as I call him. Mike, is Axl black?

<--Mike "The Monotone" Monroe-->

Based on what Michelle’s told me, that would be a definite “no.”

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Well that’s just a case of the white devils stealing black culture once again. You can’t have Obama whitey. Some day Axl you’ll pay for your gay homo love of Obama. I got three words for Axl: No. You. Can’t. You’re already a hasbeen. You should be wrestling in the T&A division, son. Or at least the Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual Transgender Hardcore division I heard they might be starting. You think you’ve been held back? My people haven’t held the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS in 400 years, son!

<--Mike "The Monotone" Monroe-->

Actually douja was black and he won the OWTTM in 2001.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Aww, hell. Really? Shoot. Alright. Uhh. You think you’ve been held back? My people haven’t held the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS in like 7 years son! Being black is like being the Chicago Cubs every day of your life. Oh wait I guess you’d know what that’s like since you’re such a loser. Axl: the Detroit Lions of BOB.

Axl, Kobe Gyant is plasma. You’re one of those black and white analog TVs that’s gonna become a dinosaur on Feb 17 when stations go to digital. You’re a cassette tape, I’m a MP3, son. I’m a Mac.

<--Mike "The Monotone" Monroe-->

And I’m a PC.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Anyway…Axl, call me on your rotary phone when you be main eventin’. I’ll be sure to check my iPhone for your message. There are rumors about Kobe Gyant getting into a number one contenders match at MegaBrawl 2. I can’t wait to show the world on the biggest stage that The BOB can afford that Kobe Gyant is the future of this company. Now get outta my house, Mike! I’ve got things to do, women to screw, paternity tests to take, money to make. Hit the concrete.

Kobe Gyant rant Axl, e-fed, e-wrestling, Kay Fabe, Kobe Gyant, parody, Steel Chair, wrestling