[The camera is stationed outside the Castle of Evil. The VW Beetle (of Evil) pulls into the driveway… or courtyard… or… whatever.]
[The car door swings open.]
Car Stereo: HA-RISE CHICK-AWN! HA-RISE! HA-RISE… HA-RISE CHICK-AWN, HA-RISE! CHICK-AWN, HA-RISE!!! … Continued on Side B.
[The tape is ejected… flipped over… and reinserted. ‘Play’ is pressed.]
Car Stereo: … HA-RISE CHICK-AWN, HA-RISE! HA-RISE! CHICK-AWN, HA-RISE! HA-RISE CHICK-
Michelle: Alright already, we GET IT! Can you just turn the damn thing off so we can go inside already?
??? : But Michelle! This motivational tape isn’t finished yet! Without it, I’ll never stand a chance against The Great!
Michelle: … You’re not fighting The Great! You’re fighting American Panda! And as long as you act like a complete and total idiot, I really don’t think Great’s going to want to be anywhere NEAR you, inside a ring or out!
??? : But after what he said about his little midget kid having more “greatness” in the toilet, than I do in my entire body, why… I oughta kill him!
Michelle: The Great?
??? : No! His midget kid! The little rat bastard… I oughta duct tape him to a bamboo tree and have that fuckin’ Panda claw his kid-sized larynx out of his goddam gullet!!! And if the Great tries to do anything about it, why… I’ll challenge him to a match! Yeah, THAT’LL teach him!
Michelle: You’re just trying to figure out a way to hussle yourself into a match with the Great, aren’t you.
??? : … Stay out of this!
Michelle: Hey, you ARE talking to me, right?
??? : WHO WANTS TAH KNOW?!
Michelle: … Me?
??? : … Oh. Well, since you asked. No, I’m not trying to hussle myself into a match with the Great. … And on an entirely unrelated note, do you know if the Great has a match set up for October Surprise?
Michelle: Yeah… he’s in a Snore Games match.
??? : Dammit… uh… how about the iMPLOSION! after that?
Michelle: There aren’t any iMPLOSIONs after that, atleast not until MegaBrawl… I’m starting to get the impression you may have not been completely honest when you said you don’t want a match with the Great…
??? : Well, how about at MegaBrawl? Is he booked?
Michelle: AXL!!! … I mean, er, uhm, ah… “???” !!! BOB doesn’t plan one WEEK in advance, let alone an entire MONTH! What do you think my daddy is, a competent Chairman?
??? : Alright, alright…
[The tape is played once again…]
Car Stereo: – AWN, HA-RISE!!! … Are we still recording this shit? … Yes? Crap, uh… HEY! You listening! Repeat after me.
Car Stereo: I Ham.
??? : I ham…
Car Stereo: Sofa King.
??? : … sofa king?
Car Stereo: We Todd Edd.
??? : We todd edd.
Car Stereo: Now say, very fast.
??? : I ham sofa king we todd edd.
Car Stereo: Faster!
??? : I AM SO FUCKING WEE-TAHDED!!! … Wait a dang blasted minute!
Car Stereo: Heheh. You say funny thing. : ^ )
[The tape is ripped from the stereo and tossed outside.]
??? : Remind me to never buy a motivational cassette from those damn Mooninites on 34th Street…
??? : Hey, I’ve got an idea. Seeing as how the Great’s probably still going to be acting all “holier than thou” by MegaBrawl… which is something that only I have the qualifications for… I’m going to make a challenge when I head inside. A challenge that is going to change the face of pro wrestling as we know it!
Michelle: What, are you going to challenge Mick Foley for his share of TNA? Because I think his position there might be a step below your position as leader of the Hierarchy. And that’s saying alot…
??? : Well you’re in the Hierarchy too! As my girlfriend, you’re the QUEEN of the Hierarchy! So what does that say?!
Michelle: That I need to become better at choosing boyfriends? First Trey… then Pigeon… now you… Jesus W. Christ, it’s like I’m going further and further and further down the totem pole of bad taste!
??? : Oh you hush your mouth! Friggin’… China Girl… with your egg rolls and saki… and slumber parties! And – HEY! Wait a minute! You’re not supposed to mention things like me being the leader of the Hierarchy and being your boyfriend and being the mayor of Sinister City!
Michelle: I never mentioned you being the mayor of Sinister City…
??? : You might ruin the angle! The fans still think I’m… you know who!
??? : What?
Michelle: Nothin’… Hey, you wanna go make that challenge now? Or do you want to bore me to sleep with another of your rants first?
???: >: ^ (
> > > moments later < < <
[The front door of the castle opens, and in comes... Viruz?]
"Viruz": Ahh, it's good to be home. ... Wait, what are those quotation marks doing around my name?!
[Well, it's just...]
Viruz: ... Bro?
"Viruz": ... Uh... Fuck.
Viruz: Why are you dressed up like me?
"Viruz": Uhm... er... How do you know I'M dressed up like YOU? Maybe... Maybe YOU'RE dressed up like ME, eh! You ever thought about THAT, smart guy?!
Viruz: Axl, how dumb do you think I am?
"Viruz": ... Is that a trick question?
Viruz: Seriously, why are you dressed like me? Did they have a sale on Hayabusa costumes at the Halloween department in Wal-Mart? ... Cuz, like, I might have tah check that out...
"Viruz": Er... yeah! ...
["Viruz" grabs a trash can off the floor, dumps a bunch of crap out of it, and lifts it out in front of him...]
"Viruz": Trick or Treat!
"Viruz": Heh... uhm... No dice, huh?
Viruz: Nope. Now, put that trash BACK in the trash can, and let me know just what the heck is going on.
[As "Viruz" shovels the trash back into the can, he begins to speak to... uh... Viruz. ... Confused yet? I know I am...]
"Viruz": Well, ya see... uh... well, the thing is...
["Viruz" looks up at Viruz, and twiddles his thumbs a bit... Suddenly, a lightbulb appears to go off inside his brain. Oh, wait, no, Michelle just came in and turned on the lamp.]
Michelle: Heyyy, guys. ... Huh, I can't seem to tell the two of you apart. Well, except that one of you seems to be in shape... while the other one of you is Axl. ... Oh wait, yeah, I can tell the two of you apart.
"Viruz": I am NOT Axl!
Michelle: Well... maybe if both of you whipped your cocks out, it'd make things a bit easier. Because, let's face it. Axl has a baby carrot dick!!!
"Viruz": I DO NOT!
"Viruz": I mean... he... HE doesn't...
Viruz: Heheheh. Ahh, it seems as though my evil twin has prior knowledge as it pertains to the size of Axl's schlong!
"Viruz": Shut up! I'm not gay! ... And neither is Axl! ... AAARGH!
Viruz: Well, I'd like to stay and chit chat, but I have to get going. I promised Pigeon I'd meet him at McGreasyton's. He LOVES their McBirdSeed. Seeya later, Axl.
"Viruz": I'M NOT AX-
Michelle: Heehee. : ^ )
"Viruz": You really think this is funny, don't you?
Michelle: Oh come on now, lighten up! Jeez Axl, you've gotta be the most uptight person I know. And you call yourself "grunge"?
"Viruz": For the LAST time, don't refer to me as Axl in front of the camera! I'm VIRUZ, ok?! If anyone besides you and I find out my true identity, why... there's no telling what SMP would do!
Michelle: You do understand that the camera is RIGHT there, recording all of this... right?
"Viruz": Well... yeah. But I'm not refering to myself as Axl! ... So...
Michelle: Sure... I think this entire idea has about as much credibility as the UnFed does as a wrestling company. But anyway, I'm out. I'm going to go catch Vi and Pigeon at McGreasyton's. I just LOVE their McHogFeet!
"Viruz": EWW, What?! That's... you EAT that?
Michelle: Well, I sure as hell don't shove it in my vagina! ... Although...
"Viruz": GROSS! Michelle... just... leave. You and that IMPOSTER have done enough damage to my brilliant and masterful plan anyway! Now run along so I may issue the greatest challenge EVER!
"Viruz": Dammit... she was just there a second ago... No matter. *turns to the camera* World... Allow me to introduce myself! I AM... Viruz. As many of you may already know, I am set to face American Panda at October Surprise in the first ever Bamboo on a Bamboo Pole match. Now, it WAS going to be a Fish on a Bamboo Pole match, but I was told by SMP that pandas don't eat fish. Well, how do you know that was my intention, hmm, SIL?! Did it ever occur to you that I might not be aiming for a stipulation featuring the food that pandas EAT, but a stipulation featuring the food that stupid zoo keepers FORCE pandas to eat since they don't know any better? And let's face it, pandas are REEEALLY dumb animals that would more than likely eat their own shit if it were served with tartar sauce! Pandas are SOOO dumb that if you ask them what 2 plus 2 equals, they'd probably say something really DUMB like... 4! Pandas are sooo dumb that... uh... that they're really, REALLY dumb! And at October Surprise, I have no doubt in my mind that I'll defeat that dumb ol', stupid ol' Panda Bear.
"Viruz": Because he's dumb. And stupid.
"Viruz": Now, if I were my brother Axl, I might be afraid of American Panda. Not because American Panda in particular is frightening. Oh no, no, no. In fact, American Panda is perhaps THE least frightening member of the entire BoB roster, if not the entire world of wrestling PERIOD! Hell, even the GobbledyGooker is more terrifying than that overgrown sack of fur! But pandas in general... there's just something about them that gives my bro the heeby jeebies. When he was young, he was scared stiff by one of the vile beasts... and that's why he's dressing up as a panda for this year's Halloween party, here at the castle. Not only will he be overcoming his fear, but he'll also be able to get out of this crappy Hayabusa costume. ... That he ALSO wears. ... When I'm not wearing it. ... Because I'm Viruz. And certainly not Axl ...
["Viruz" shifts uncomfortably for a second, wondering if the viewers at home are stupid enough to have not caught on by now...]
"Viruz": I am not wondering that! Of COURSE they're stupid enough to have not caught on by now! If they weren't stupid, do you think they'd still be wasting their time reading this rant?! ... I MEAN...
[Sorry, "Vi". You want me to end this before you dig yourself into a hole?]
"Viruz": No... I can still salvage things. People! I am NOT Axl! No matter what you want to believe, just remember... I AM Viruz... and I WILL be at October Surprise, ready to beat the ever loving tar out of American Panda.
"Viruz": And then? At MegaBrawl 2? I have the challenge to end all challenges. Because I am challenging... BRAD PITT!!! Yes, Brad Pitt, the very same man who competed in the Nowhere City Brawl last year at "November in Nowhere"! The very same MATCH in which the Great made his debut during, costing ME... er, my brother... the Only World Title That Matters! Brad Pitt... from Oklahoma! The very same place that drove out me and my brother Axl! Brad, I'm going to make you PAY for... uh... being born in Oklahoma! After I'm finished with you, you'll know better than to... admit to being born there! And something very special... very important, shall be on the line! If you win... which you WON'T... I'll remove my mask, and reveal to the entire world my true identity! And if I win... which I WON'T... ... WILL! Which I will... then I will face the Great at the very first BoB event of 2009!
[Suddenly, "Vi"'s cell phone rings. He answers it.]
"Viruz": Y'ello? ... Oh, Michelle, I ... oh... Sorry honey, I'll let them know right away... Bye.
["Viruz" shuts the phone and pushes it back into his pants pocket...]
"Viruz": Uhm... ok, Michelle just informed me that I'm not in charge of booking, she is. So I can't just go around inserting myself into matches with people who wouldn't want to be associated with me, even if it is through handing me my ass in the middle of the ring. Well... then it's a good thing I'm Viruz, eh? Cuz, heheh, EVERY one wants to be associated with my awesomely cool brother Axl! Hell, the Great's probably DYING to step into the ring with HIM! Ya know? Right? Am I right? ... *cough* So... anyway.
"Viruz": PITT!!! You! Me! MegaBrawl 2... in the first EVER Cinco Cell Slaughter! Five cages, stacked one on top of the other! If you win, the mask comes off! If I win? Uh... I get to marry Angelina Jolie!
["Vi"'s cell rings again... he answers.]
"Viruz": Hello - ...
[Screaming is heard on the other end... "Viruz" tries to keep the phone away from his ear, as he winces...]
"Viruz": Y... Yes dear... Sorry about that... No! Of course I still love you! I... Yes dear... I'll tell him. ... Bye dear...
["Viruz" shuts the phone and places it back into his pocket...]
"Viruz": Uhm... Brad, I think I'll have to renig on that challenge... atleast until I can think of some sort of prize I can win... Something that won't get my ear chewed off...
"Viruz": But now, it is not time for Mega Brawl. Now it is time for October Surprise. NOW it is time for American Panda... And Panda, remember. I AM... Viruz. I AM... the hax0r extraordinaire. I AM... the l33t-ness of Execution. I AM...
"Viruz": ... the infeXion...
“… and the infeXion is spreading …”
“Viruz”: WAIT A DAMN MINUTE!!! Michelle said she was going to McGreasyton’s to meet with PIGEON?! That sunnuvabitch is supposed to be locked up in the dungeon! Who set that freak free?!
[Michelle walks in.]
“Viruz”: MICHELLE!!! Who let Pigeon free?! How did he get to McGreasyton’s?! TELL ME!
Michelle: Whadya mean?
“Viruz”: You know EXACTLY what I mean! You told me you left to meet Pigeon at McGreasyton’s, didn’t you?
Michelle: … Uh… Nope, don’t remember saying that. … Definitely not. You must have been day dreaming.
[Viruz walks in.]
Viruz: Hey yo, bro! Me and Michelle –
Viruz: Whoops, excuse me. Michelle and I, just returned from McGreasyton’s.
“Viruz”: Viruz! … IMPOSTER Viruz, you remember telling me that you two went to eat lunch with Pigeon… don’t you?
[Michelle jabs Viruz in the side with her shoulder.]
Viruz: Ouch! I-
[Michelle stares at Vi.]
Viruz: Er… that is to say… No, no I don’t. I don’t remember that at all.
“Viruz”: … Huh. Well… alright. But I’m going to check the dungeon, just to make sure…
Viruz: NO! I mean –
Michelle: What Vi – … Well, what the “imposter” Viruz means, is that… You don’t trust us?
“Viruz”: Well… not really…
Michelle: >: ^ ( Do you want me to leave you? Is THAT it?! I thought this relationship was built on trust!
“Viruz”: What gave you that impression?
Michelle: How could you, Axl?!
“Viruz”: Well, I- HEY! I am NOT Axl! How many times do I have to tell you that! But that’s beside the point. The point is –
Michelle: The point is you don’t trust us!
“Viruz”: But… I…
Viruz: Axl… Viruz… Whatever you want to be called, you SHOULD trust me! I AM your brother after all!
“Viruz”: So… you’re Axl?
Viruz: … Sure.
“Viruz”: Haha, you’re gay!
Michelle: So… you trust us now?
“Viruz”: Well… I guess. But when October Surprise rolls around, I want Pigeon out there by ringside, in his shackles, so I can keep an eye on him at all times. Well… all times that I’m not whuppin’ Panda American’s fruit booty!
Viruz: I DO NOT SAY FRUIT BOOTY!
“Viruz”: Yeah, you’re Axl. You don’t SAY fruit booty, you ARE one! : ^ P
“Viruz”: Now, Michelle, pop this motivational CD into the stereo. It’s the new and improved version of that old casette I got from the Mooninites. Hopefully it’s alot better…
[Michelle inserts the CD into the stereo and presses play.]
Stereo: Repeat after me. I Ham.
“Viruz”: I ham…
Stereo: Sofa King.
“Viruz”: Sofa king…
“Viruz”: … interesting?
Stereo: Now say, very fast.
“Viruz”: I ham sofa king interesting.
“Viruz”: I AM SO FUCKING INTERESTING! … Hey, yeah, I am! I AM… so fucking interesting!
Stereo: Now listen, iMPLOSION 13 ;
Viruz: Umkay. I want to fight American Panda in a “Fish on a Bamboo Pole” match. A fish would be suspended on a bamboo pole, and the first competitor to retrieve it would win. Just thought it’d be a stupid gimmick to try and make things interesting.
SMP: Now, does the word “interesting” mean completely retarded in that brain of yours?
Viruz: Ha! Get it! You said “I am so fucking interesting”, and to you, “interesting” obviously means “retarded”! The new and improved version must be in Axl-ese!
Viruz: Ahh, sorry bro. Maybe you should stop trusting those Mooninites. Anyway, catch ya later. I promised I’d meet Pigeon at the bowling alley. Later.
[Viruz heads for the door… opens it… and just as he’s about to depart, “Viruz” tears the stereo off the table, and heaves it at Viruz’s back… but the stereo ends up nailing the door, just as it’s slammed shut. The stereo busts apart, sending bits of broken plastic scattered across the floor. “Viruz” fumes with rage, and storms off, headed for his room. Michelle shakes her head, and walks toward the couch. She plops down… kicks her feet up on the table… and turns on the television.]
Television: This is Sinister City TV, the ONLY channel in Sinister City! Welcome to our 24 hour “Knitting with Bernie” marathon! Grab your needle and thread, and be prepared for the ride of your boring, mundane life! It’s Quilt-Tastic!