BOB eWrestling | Rant Zone Archive!

RESULTS FROM BRAWLERS ON A BUDGET’S TOTAL NON-ACTION WRESTLING iMPLOSION! #14

-The final Brawlers On a Budget show before October Surprise kicked off with Seth Harker being ambushed by Kid Pirate, who had cleverly hidden a net with leaves in a hallway. Pirate demanded a “Walk The Plank” match with Harker at MegaBrawl II and to put his job as Acting BigBOSS on the line. Harker had no choice but to accept, unless he wanted to keep getting poked in the arse with KP’s sword.

-We then found the Fetish Freaks in a bathroom, where Scatman appeared to be on acid. Jerri Li decided that she’d like to see Christian St. Christian take on Scatman at October Surprise in a hardcore snowball fight.

-BOB welcomed the offensive players from the Sin City Icons of the FBL to the ballroom prior to the main (and only) event of iMPLOSION. BOB’s own Trey Vincent owns the Icons.

-Acting Vice President in Charge of Everything Dr. Silaconne M. Plants made a change to the Fetish Freaks’ hardcore snowball fight idea, telling the Fetish Freaks that they wouldn’t face each other, but instead two former BOBsters. Who will the mystery team be? Find out at October Surprise!

-In a main event shocker, SMP prevailed in the Swiss Army Belt Scrabble Scramble Match by getting the final pin of the 20-minute match on BOB’s Grand Slam Champion, Steve Studnuts! Death, The Great, and “XFactor” Pete Trable also participated in the match. SMP replaced “Stupendous” Steve Hawking, who was pushed down a stairwell last week by a mystery assailant. Also during the match, Vincent appeared and provoked the football players. We still don’t know where Vincent is. Possibly the proctologist trying to get a frying pan out of his backside.

-Post-match, new Swiss Army champ SMP had one final surprise as we head into October Surprise: we learned the main event of MegaBrawl II will be SMP vs. Studnuts for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS, Swiss Army Belt, and Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Tag Team Titles!

Check out Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION! #14!

Ted news brawlers on a budget, e-fed, ewrestling, parody, wrestling

Watch This Rant!

Hello Bob fans. Yes, both of you. `Stupendous` Steve Hawking here. The most erudite man in wrestling. So smart, I can not only pronounce the word `erudite`, but could offer a definition if so required.It’s been a while since my last appearance. My apologies, but I have been busy of late, using my galaxy-spanning intellect to make a killing on the wild fluctuations of the U.S stock market. Not to mention devising a new set of equations to determine the optimum amount of torque required to remove the lids of even the most stubbon of pickle jars.But I have returned, and soon will prove my non-mobile skils in the ring. Soon I will be raising my first title belt above my head. Metaphorically speaking, of course. The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog.The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog.Hey! Who’s been messing with my keyboard?I will deal with you jerk wads later.Prepare for an intellectual ass whipping, boys.

Stupendous Stephen Hawking rant e-fed, e-wrestling, parody, Stupendous Steve Hawking, wrestling

American Panda rant American Panda, e-fed, e-wrestling, parody, Viruz, wrestling

“AWWW, SHIT!”

He stood with his back facing the camera, growling, wearing a pair of blue jean shorts. His name was unknown. His face was unknown. However, he was known as The Human Foreign Object to the wrestling world, or the backyard wrestling world. He kept his face covered in his hands as he ran around the living room of his shitty mobile home.

“Where’s my mask, bitch?” He yelled out. He didn’t hear a response, so he kicked over a coffee/beer/marijuana table. He yelled louder this time; he truly demanded a response! “I’ll kill you! I’ll strangle and poison you’re children. I’ll eat your pet hamsters, and I’ll rape your mother’s ceramic dolls! Where in the hell is my mask, bitch?”

The Human Foreign Object suddenly stopped trudging through the shithole of a home, finding a sleazy-looking woman asleep on the kitchen floor. He kicked her a little, then a little more, and then a little harder. He eventually punched her chest. She accidentally farted.

“Bitch?” He whispered in her ear softly.

She finally woke; her eyes were heavy, and her breath smelled like whiskey. The camera zoomed in on a needle in her arm, but The Human Foreign Object bent over and his ass got in the way, though. About three inches of hairy crack filled the screen. The camera man tried to move, but The Human Foreign Object kept backing his ass up into view; a pimple finally appeared.

“I think I’m dying, John,” the whoreable-looking woman said.

“Where’s my mask, bitch?” The Human Foreign Object continued to question.

“John. . .”

“If you want to see another kilo or bottle, you better tell me where my mask is!” I demand to know what you did with it. Did you sell it for dope? Money? Booze? What the fuck did you do with my mask? You’re nothing but a piece of shit whore. You know I have a match down the street in less than five minutes!”

“John. . .”

“This lavish lifestyle doesn’t come cheap, baby. I built this kingdom from the ground up. You think you can use me because I’m a superstar. . . a goddamn wrestling superstar? Well, in the words of Judas Priest, ‘You’ve got another thing coming!’”

“John, I. . .”

“Shit-covered balls, Batman!” The Human Foreign Object said; he knew he had just said the most trite thing. . . ever. He shook his head; he didn’t care. However, he was running out of time. He ran over to the kitchen counter top and grabbed a box of aluminum foil. He began wrapping the foil around his head, quickly poking holes in the eye sockets and mouth. He turned to the camera and revealed his masked-face.

“John, I know where you mask. . .”

“Bye, cuntface!” The Human Foreign Object howled, as he kicked the whore in the grill. The Human Foreign Object then ran out of the house with no shirt or shoes on; all he had on was a pair of dirty blue jean shorts and an aluminum foil mask. As the camera began to fade out of the horrid scene, a black wrestling mask could be seen on a clothesline beside the mobile home.

“I EXPECT A HUNGRY MAN READY WHEN I GET HOME, BITCH!” He yelled.

The Human Foreign Object rant e-fed, e-wrestling, parody, The Human Foreign Object, wrestling

[Open to a staircase covered completely with hundreds of eyes. Zombie Mr. Fantastic is on the set of Mexican psychedelic horror director Giuseppe Gonzales’ latest film. They have just gotten through shooting the underwater shark fight and Mr. Fantastic is dripping from head to toe.]

GG: Ok Senor Fantastico, joo walk down tha stairs and squish as many of the eyes as joo can as joo chase the pretty lady. After she fall and break her leg joo go in for the attack on her brains.

Mr. Fantastic: Brains?

GG: Jes jes, the brains.

[Mr. Fantastic takes his position as Giuseppe motions to start filming.]

GG: Action.

[Mr. Fantastic chases the heroin down the stairs, the eyes bursting with blood and jelly underfoot. The girl slips and falls, her prop leg breaking with the bone sticking out.]

Mr. Fantastic: Brains!

[Suddenly a masked Mexican wrestler appears.]

Silver Devil: Mataré al zombi y ahorraré a la muchacha!

[The Silver Devil dropkicks Mr. Fantastic into the stairs, which collapses on impact and Mr. Fantastic falls into the basement.]

Silver Devil: ¡He destruido a la señora del zombi! ¡Aprisa al móvil de plata del diablo!

[The Silver Devil heals the woman’s broken leg with the Emerald of Ra and lifts her up into his arms before running out to his motorbike. The scene cuts to an evil looking character called The Voodoo Man, surrounded by the zombies he resurrected. He is tied to a chair and forced watch the last few seconds on a bomb timer run out.]

Voodoo Man: ¡Nada puede parar al hombre del vudú, no incluso muerte! I’ ¡el ll le consigue el diablo siguiente de la plata del tiempo!

[Silver Devil speeds away on his motorbike as the cursed castle explodes. The word ‘fin’ appears on the screen.]

Zombie Mr. Fantastic rant e-fed, e-wrestling, parody, wrestling, Zombie Mr. Fantastic

[The camera is stationed outside the Castle of Evil. The VW Beetle (of Evil) pulls into the driveway... or courtyard... or... whatever.]

[The car door swings open.]

Car Stereo: HA-RISE CHICK-AWN! HA-RISE! HA-RISE… HA-RISE CHICK-AWN, HA-RISE! CHICK-AWN, HA-RISE!!! … Continued on Side B.

[The tape is ejected... flipped over... and reinserted. 'Play' is pressed.]

Car Stereo: … HA-RISE CHICK-AWN, HA-RISE! HA-RISE! CHICK-AWN, HA-RISE! HA-RISE CHICK-

Michelle: Alright already, we GET IT! Can you just turn the damn thing off so we can go inside already?

??? : But Michelle! This motivational tape isn’t finished yet! Without it, I’ll never stand a chance against The Great!

Michelle: … You’re not fighting The Great! You’re fighting American Panda! And as long as you act like a complete and total idiot, I really don’t think Great’s going to want to be anywhere NEAR you, inside a ring or out!

??? : But after what he said about his little midget kid having more “greatness” in the toilet, than I do in my entire body, why… I oughta kill him!

Michelle: The Great?

??? : No! His midget kid! The little rat bastard… I oughta duct tape him to a bamboo tree and have that fuckin’ Panda claw his kid-sized larynx out of his goddam gullet!!! And if the Great tries to do anything about it, why… I’ll challenge him to a match! Yeah, THAT’LL teach him!

Michelle: You’re just trying to figure out a way to hussle yourself into a match with the Great, aren’t you.

??? : … Stay out of this!

Michelle: Hey, you ARE talking to me, right?

??? : WHO WANTS TAH KNOW?!

Michelle: … Me?

??? : … Oh. Well, since you asked. No, I’m not trying to hussle myself into a match with the Great. … And on an entirely unrelated note, do you know if the Great has a match set up for October Surprise?

Michelle: Yeah… he’s in a Snore Games match.

??? : Dammit… uh… how about the iMPLOSION! after that?

Michelle: There aren’t any iMPLOSIONs after that, atleast not until MegaBrawl… I’m starting to get the impression you may have not been completely honest when you said you don’t want a match with the Great…

??? : Well, how about at MegaBrawl? Is he booked?

Michelle: AXL!!! … I mean, er, uhm, ah… “???” !!! BOB doesn’t plan one WEEK in advance, let alone an entire MONTH! What do you think my daddy is, a competent Chairman?

??? : Alright, alright…

[The tape is played once again...]

Car Stereo: – AWN, HA-RISE!!! … Are we still recording this shit? … Yes? Crap, uh… HEY! You listening! Repeat after me.

Car Stereo: I Ham.

??? : I ham…

Car Stereo: Sofa King.

??? : … sofa king?

Car Stereo: We Todd Edd.

??? : We todd edd.

Car Stereo: Now say, very fast.

??? : I ham sofa king we todd edd.

Car Stereo: Faster!

??? : I AM SO FUCKING WEE-TAHDED!!! … Wait a dang blasted minute!

Car Stereo: Heheh. You say funny thing. : ^ )

[The tape is ripped from the stereo and tossed outside.]

??? : Remind me to never buy a motivational cassette from those damn Mooninites on 34th Street…

Michelle: Check.

??? : Hey, I’ve got an idea. Seeing as how the Great’s probably still going to be acting all “holier than thou” by MegaBrawl… which is something that only I have the qualifications for… I’m going to make a challenge when I head inside. A challenge that is going to change the face of pro wrestling as we know it!

Michelle: What, are you going to challenge Mick Foley for his share of TNA? Because I think his position there might be a step below your position as leader of the Hierarchy. And that’s saying alot…

??? : Well you’re in the Hierarchy too! As my girlfriend, you’re the QUEEN of the Hierarchy! So what does that say?!

Michelle: That I need to become better at choosing boyfriends? First Trey… then Pigeon… now you… Jesus W. Christ, it’s like I’m going further and further and further down the totem pole of bad taste!

??? : Oh you hush your mouth! Friggin’… China Girl… with your egg rolls and saki… and slumber parties! And – HEY! Wait a minute! You’re not supposed to mention things like me being the leader of the Hierarchy and being your boyfriend and being the mayor of Sinister City!

Michelle: I never mentioned you being the mayor of Sinister City…

??? : You might ruin the angle! The fans still think I’m… you know who!

Michelle: …

??? : What?

Michelle: Nothin’… Hey, you wanna go make that challenge now? Or do you want to bore me to sleep with another of your rants first?

???: >: ^ (

> > > moments later < < <

[The front door of the castle opens, and in comes... Viruz?]

"Viruz": Ahh, it's good to be home. ... Wait, what are those quotation marks doing around my name?!

[Well, it's just...]

Viruz: ... Bro?

"Viruz": ... Uh... Fuck.

Viruz: Why are you dressed up like me?

"Viruz": Uhm... er... How do you know I'M dressed up like YOU? Maybe... Maybe YOU'RE dressed up like ME, eh! You ever thought about THAT, smart guy?!

Viruz: Axl, how dumb do you think I am?

"Viruz": ... Is that a trick question?

Viruz: Seriously, why are you dressed like me? Did they have a sale on Hayabusa costumes at the Halloween department in Wal-Mart? ... Cuz, like, I might have tah check that out...

"Viruz": Er... yeah! ...

["Viruz" grabs a trash can off the floor, dumps a bunch of crap out of it, and lifts it out in front of him...]

"Viruz": Trick or Treat!

Viruz: ...

"Viruz": Heh... uhm... No dice, huh?

Viruz: Nope. Now, put that trash BACK in the trash can, and let me know just what the heck is going on.

[As "Viruz" shovels the trash back into the can, he begins to speak to... uh... Viruz. ... Confused yet? I know I am...]

"Viruz": Well, ya see... uh... well, the thing is...

["Viruz" looks up at Viruz, and twiddles his thumbs a bit... Suddenly, a lightbulb appears to go off inside his brain. Oh, wait, no, Michelle just came in and turned on the lamp.]

Michelle: Heyyy, guys. ... Huh, I can't seem to tell the two of you apart. Well, except that one of you seems to be in shape... while the other one of you is Axl. ... Oh wait, yeah, I can tell the two of you apart.

"Viruz": I am NOT Axl!

Michelle: Well... maybe if both of you whipped your cocks out, it'd make things a bit easier. Because, let's face it. Axl has a baby carrot dick!!!

"Viruz": I DO NOT!

Michelle: HA!

"Viruz": I mean... he... HE doesn't...

Viruz: Heheheh. Ahh, it seems as though my evil twin has prior knowledge as it pertains to the size of Axl's schlong!

"Viruz": Shut up! I'm not gay! ... And neither is Axl! ... AAARGH!

Viruz: Well, I'd like to stay and chit chat, but I have to get going. I promised Pigeon I'd meet him at McGreasyton's. He LOVES their McBirdSeed. Seeya later, Axl.

"Viruz": I'M NOT AX-

*door slams*

"Viruz": AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

Michelle: Heehee. : ^ )

"Viruz": You really think this is funny, don't you?

Michelle: Oh come on now, lighten up! Jeez Axl, you've gotta be the most uptight person I know. And you call yourself "grunge"?

"Viruz": For the LAST time, don't refer to me as Axl in front of the camera! I'm VIRUZ, ok?! If anyone besides you and I find out my true identity, why... there's no telling what SMP would do!

Michelle: You do understand that the camera is RIGHT there, recording all of this... right?

"Viruz": Well... yeah. But I'm not refering to myself as Axl! ... So...

Michelle: Sure... I think this entire idea has about as much credibility as the UnFed does as a wrestling company. But anyway, I'm out. I'm going to go catch Vi and Pigeon at McGreasyton's. I just LOVE their McHogFeet!

"Viruz": EWW, What?! That's... you EAT that?

Michelle: Well, I sure as hell don't shove it in my vagina! ... Although...

"Viruz": GROSS! Michelle... just... leave. You and that IMPOSTER have done enough damage to my brilliant and masterful plan anyway! Now run along so I may issue the greatest challenge EVER!

Michelle: ...

"Viruz": Dammit... she was just there a second ago... No matter. *turns to the camera* World... Allow me to introduce myself! I AM... Viruz. As many of you may already know, I am set to face American Panda at October Surprise in the first ever Bamboo on a Bamboo Pole match. Now, it WAS going to be a Fish on a Bamboo Pole match, but I was told by SMP that pandas don't eat fish. Well, how do you know that was my intention, hmm, SIL?! Did it ever occur to you that I might not be aiming for a stipulation featuring the food that pandas EAT, but a stipulation featuring the food that stupid zoo keepers FORCE pandas to eat since they don't know any better? And let's face it, pandas are REEEALLY dumb animals that would more than likely eat their own shit if it were served with tartar sauce! Pandas are SOOO dumb that if you ask them what 2 plus 2 equals, they'd probably say something really DUMB like... 4! Pandas are sooo dumb that... uh... that they're really, REALLY dumb! And at October Surprise, I have no doubt in my mind that I'll defeat that dumb ol', stupid ol' Panda Bear.

"Viruz": Because he's dumb. And stupid.

"Viruz": Now, if I were my brother Axl, I might be afraid of American Panda. Not because American Panda in particular is frightening. Oh no, no, no. In fact, American Panda is perhaps THE least frightening member of the entire BoB roster, if not the entire world of wrestling PERIOD! Hell, even the GobbledyGooker is more terrifying than that overgrown sack of fur! But pandas in general... there's just something about them that gives my bro the heeby jeebies. When he was young, he was scared stiff by one of the vile beasts... and that's why he's dressing up as a panda for this year's Halloween party, here at the castle. Not only will he be overcoming his fear, but he'll also be able to get out of this crappy Hayabusa costume. ... That he ALSO wears. ... When I'm not wearing it. ... Because I'm Viruz. And certainly not Axl ...

["Viruz" shifts uncomfortably for a second, wondering if the viewers at home are stupid enough to have not caught on by now...]

"Viruz": I am not wondering that! Of COURSE they're stupid enough to have not caught on by now! If they weren't stupid, do you think they'd still be wasting their time reading this rant?! ... I MEAN...

[Sorry, "Vi". You want me to end this before you dig yourself into a hole?]

"Viruz": No... I can still salvage things. People! I am NOT Axl! No matter what you want to believe, just remember... I AM Viruz... and I WILL be at October Surprise, ready to beat the ever loving tar out of American Panda.

"Viruz": And then? At MegaBrawl 2? I have the challenge to end all challenges. Because I am challenging... BRAD PITT!!! Yes, Brad Pitt, the very same man who competed in the Nowhere City Brawl last year at "November in Nowhere"! The very same MATCH in which the Great made his debut during, costing ME... er, my brother... the Only World Title That Matters! Brad Pitt... from Oklahoma! The very same place that drove out me and my brother Axl! Brad, I'm going to make you PAY for... uh... being born in Oklahoma! After I'm finished with you, you'll know better than to... admit to being born there! And something very special... very important, shall be on the line! If you win... which you WON'T... I'll remove my mask, and reveal to the entire world my true identity! And if I win... which I WON'T... ... WILL! Which I will... then I will face the Great at the very first BoB event of 2009!

[Suddenly, "Vi"'s cell phone rings. He answers it.]

"Viruz": Y'ello? ... Oh, Michelle, I ... oh... Sorry honey, I'll let them know right away... Bye.

["Viruz" shuts the phone and pushes it back into his pants pocket...]

"Viruz": Uhm... ok, Michelle just informed me that I'm not in charge of booking, she is. So I can't just go around inserting myself into matches with people who wouldn't want to be associated with me, even if it is through handing me my ass in the middle of the ring. Well... then it's a good thing I'm Viruz, eh? Cuz, heheh, EVERY one wants to be associated with my awesomely cool brother Axl! Hell, the Great's probably DYING to step into the ring with HIM! Ya know? Right? Am I right? ... *cough* So... anyway.

"Viruz": ...

"Viruz": PITT!!! You! Me! MegaBrawl 2... in the first EVER Cinco Cell Slaughter! Five cages, stacked one on top of the other! If you win, the mask comes off! If I win? Uh... I get to marry Angelina Jolie!

["Vi"'s cell rings again... he answers.]

"Viruz": Hello - ...

[Screaming is heard on the other end... "Viruz" tries to keep the phone away from his ear, as he winces...]

"Viruz": Y... Yes dear... Sorry about that... No! Of course I still love you! I... Yes dear... I'll tell him. ... Bye dear...

["Viruz" shuts the phone and places it back into his pocket...]

"Viruz": Uhm... Brad, I think I'll have to renig on that challenge... atleast until I can think of some sort of prize I can win... Something that won't get my ear chewed off...

"Viruz": But now, it is not time for Mega Brawl. Now it is time for October Surprise. NOW it is time for American Panda... And Panda, remember. I AM... Viruz. I AM... the hax0r extraordinaire. I AM... the l33t-ness of Execution. I AM...

"Viruz": ... the infeXion...

“… and the infeXion is spreading …”

|th-

“Viruz”: WAIT A DAMN MINUTE!!! Michelle said she was going to McGreasyton’s to meet with PIGEON?! That sunnuvabitch is supposed to be locked up in the dungeon! Who set that freak free?!

[Michelle walks in.]

“Viruz”: MICHELLE!!! Who let Pigeon free?! How did he get to McGreasyton’s?! TELL ME!

Michelle: Whadya mean?

“Viruz”: You know EXACTLY what I mean! You told me you left to meet Pigeon at McGreasyton’s, didn’t you?

Michelle: … Uh… Nope, don’t remember saying that. … Definitely not. You must have been day dreaming.

“Viruz”: But…

[Viruz walks in.]

Viruz: Hey yo, bro! Me and Michelle -

Michelle: AHEM.

Viruz: Whoops, excuse me. Michelle and I, just returned from McGreasyton’s.

“Viruz”: Viruz! … IMPOSTER Viruz, you remember telling me that you two went to eat lunch with Pigeon… don’t you?

Viruz: Uh…

[Michelle jabs Viruz in the side with her shoulder.]

Viruz: Ouch! I-

[Michelle stares at Vi.]

Viruz: Er… that is to say… No, no I don’t. I don’t remember that at all.

“Viruz”: … Huh. Well… alright. But I’m going to check the dungeon, just to make sure…

Viruz: NO! I mean -

Michelle: What Vi – … Well, what the “imposter” Viruz means, is that… You don’t trust us?

“Viruz”: Well… not really…

Michelle: >: ^ ( Do you want me to leave you? Is THAT it?! I thought this relationship was built on trust!

“Viruz”: What gave you that impression?

Michelle: How could you, Axl?!

“Viruz”: Well, I- HEY! I am NOT Axl! How many times do I have to tell you that! But that’s beside the point. The point is -

Michelle: The point is you don’t trust us!

“Viruz”: But… I…

Viruz: Axl… Viruz… Whatever you want to be called, you SHOULD trust me! I AM your brother after all!

“Viruz”: So… you’re Axl?

Viruz: … Sure.

“Viruz”: Haha, you’re gay!

Viruz: …

Michelle: So… you trust us now?

“Viruz”: Well… I guess. But when October Surprise rolls around, I want Pigeon out there by ringside, in his shackles, so I can keep an eye on him at all times. Well… all times that I’m not whuppin’ Panda American’s fruit booty!

Viruz: I DO NOT SAY FRUIT BOOTY!

“Viruz”: Yeah, you’re Axl. You don’t SAY fruit booty, you ARE one! : ^ P

“Axl”: …

“Viruz”: Now, Michelle, pop this motivational CD into the stereo. It’s the new and improved version of that old casette I got from the Mooninites. Hopefully it’s alot better…

[Michelle inserts the CD into the stereo and presses play.]

Stereo: Repeat after me. I Ham.

“Viruz”: I ham…

Stereo: Sofa King.

“Viruz”: Sofa king…

Stereo: Interesting.

“Viruz”: … interesting?

Stereo: Now say, very fast.

“Viruz”: I ham sofa king interesting.

Stereo: Faster!

“Viruz”: I AM SO FUCKING INTERESTING! … Hey, yeah, I am! I AM… so fucking interesting!

Stereo: Now listen, iMPLOSION 13 ;

Viruz: Umkay. I want to fight American Panda in a “Fish on a Bamboo Pole” match. A fish would be suspended on a bamboo pole, and the first competitor to retrieve it would win. Just thought it’d be a stupid gimmick to try and make things interesting.

SMP: Now, does the word “interesting” mean completely retarded in that brain of yours?

“Viruz”: …

Viruz: Ha! Get it! You said “I am so fucking interesting”, and to you, “interesting” obviously means “retarded”! The new and improved version must be in Axl-ese!

“Viruz”: …

Viruz: Ahh, sorry bro. Maybe you should stop trusting those Mooninites. Anyway, catch ya later. I promised I’d meet Pigeon at the bowling alley. Later.

“Viruz”: …

[Viruz heads for the door... opens it... and just as he's about to depart, "Viruz" tears the stereo off the table, and heaves it at Viruz's back... but the stereo ends up nailing the door, just as it's slammed shut. The stereo busts apart, sending bits of broken plastic scattered across the floor. "Viruz" fumes with rage, and storms off, headed for his room. Michelle shakes her head, and walks toward the couch. She plops down... kicks her feet up on the table... and turns on the television.]

Television: This is Sinister City TV, the ONLY channel in Sinister City! Welcome to our 24 hour “Knitting with Bernie” marathon! Grab your needle and thread, and be prepared for the ride of your boring, mundane life! It’s Quilt-Tastic!

*click*

|ha-rise, chick-awn|

Viruz rant American Panda, Axl, e-fed, e-wrestling, Michelle, parody, The Great, Viruz, wrestling

This Wednesday, Brawlers On a Budget returns to G5 TV with it’s season finale, Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION! #14, the final stop before our next BOB-On-Demand event, October Surprise.

BOBWrestling.com has received the following information regarding Wednesday’s iMPLOSION from BOB’s Acting Vice President In Charge of Everything Dr. Silaconne M. Plants:

-Swiss Army Belt champion Steve Studnuts defends against The Great, Death, XFactor Pete Trable, and "Stupendous" Stephen Hawking in a Swiss Army Belt Scrabble Scramble Match. Here are the rules for the match: The match will last 20 minutes. The order of entry is as follows: XFactor Pete Trable, Death, The Great, Steve Studnuts, "Stupendous" Stephen Hawking.

There are two ways to win. Either A. You pin every other competitor in the match before the 20 minute time limit expires (i.e., Studnuts would have to pin The Great, Death, Trable, and Hawking before time expires), or B. Score the last pin in the match. There are no DQs or countouts. Also, just confirmed: football players from the Sin City Icons of the FBL will be at ringside making Scrambled Eggs for use as weapons. This one will no doubt get egg-treme!

-And will we find out who bought the Beer in the Belly case? Trey Vincent indicated that he sold it on iMPLOSION 11. Could we see it cashed in?

All this, and possibly less on the next Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION!

(Card subject to bait-and-switch)

Ted rant brawlers on a budget, e-fed, e-wrestling, parody, wrestling

Katie Death, a zombie who dresses in a cheerleader uniform, was washing the dishes with blood in the sink when her husband, Death, walked into the room. God’s Hitman opened up the refrigerator, looked around, and then slammed the door shut.

“Why is there never any food in this house? I have Snore Games coming up in just a couple of weeks, and I need to bribe The Great with food apparently so he won’t do a job for the either Steve Studnuts, Trey Vincent, Sarah “The Jobber Slayer,” Seth Harker, or Dr. Silaconne M. Plants apparently now, too. And I still haven’t figured out what to bribe my other teammates with. Let’s see…write this down. Let’s see, for Trable…how about some fried chicken, watermelon, and grape juice? For Jerri Li? Hmm. Some Jagged Metal Krusty-O’s and battery acid. Kid Pirate probably likes booze. Rum. Hell, how about some peg leg polish as well. Did you get all that, Katie?”

“Braains!” Katie roared.

“Why do you make everything so hard except right here,” Death said, performing a crotch chop in his wife’s direction.

“Braaaains!” Katie replied.

“Is this mansion not big enough for you? What about all those dead people stacked in the meat locker? Where’s the respect for Death?”

“Braaaaains!”

“Did you at least dry clean my wrestling cloak.”

“Brains.”

“Son of a…” Death started before pounding his bony fist on the countertop. “I’VE HAD IT UP TO HERE, KATIE!”

“Brains brains brains brains brains brains!”

“What does this have to do with my yacht? Don’t I deserve a little ME time? I work my fingers to the bone…wait, they already are bone. I work my bones to the…you know what I mean! I work non-stop for the Big Guy who created this universe. He created you for ME, not me for YOU! You’re just a bit player.”

“Uhhhhh~!”

“It’s ironic. I figured I would’ve been the one to kill this relationship…”

“Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains!”

“You want out? That’s FINE with me!”

Katie Death shuffles away to her bedroom, slamming the door shut behind her. She grabs a framed picture of Zombie Mr. Fantastic off her dresser.

“Uhhhhhhhhhhh!”

Meanwhile, outside, Death has his scythe and begins bashing a trash barrel with the handle. After several seconds of clatter, Death looks up and notices a zombie eating somebody’s face in the street. Both are starting at him curiously.

“Help me?” the victim gurgled out, blood oozing from everywhere on his (or her?) face.

“Rar?” the zombie queried.

“Sorry, Face Eater. Go about your business.”

The zombie continued eating the victim’s face as Death threw his trash back into the trash bucket. One of the plastic bags ripped and several cans fell out with a dull clatter as they hit the driveway. Brains In A Can. It was eerily silent — as long as you ignored the dying screams and disgusting face-eating noises in the background.

“And she can’t even recycle on top of everything else?”

Death rant Death, Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, e-wrestling, efed, Jerri Li, Kid Pirate, parody, Sarah "The Jobber Slayer", seth harker, Steve Studnuts, The Great, Trey Vincent, wrestling, XFactor Pete Trable

RESULTS FROM BRAWLERS ON A BUDGET’S TOTAL NON-ACTION WRESTLING iMPLOSION! #13

-The show kicked off with Kamikazie Ken and Insano Mano attempting to call a truce with the Fetish Freaks after last week’s events. Their solution? A special homemade dinner, featuring Friend Tentacle and Ground Beast!

-Zombie Mr. Fantastic and Kid Pirate’s match ended in a no contest once Seth Harker, Steve Studnuts, Trey Vincent, and Sarah “The Jobber Slayer” stormed the ring and attacked Kid Pirate. The Great, XFactor Pete Trable, and Death made the rescue, though Death went looking for some of Zombie Mr. Fantastic first. Eventually, Jerri Li, Christian St. Christian, Scatman, Kamikazie Ken, Insano Mano all got involved in the giant fustercluck.

-After the brawl came to a standstill, BOB’s Acting Vice President in Charge of Everything Dr. Silaconne M. Plants arrived to make an addition to Snore Games: Kid Pirate! Studnuts demanded a fifth member for his team, and in a shocker, named Plants as their fifth man! The iAd then tried to cause dissension between Pirate and Plants, showing a video from a past episode of iMPLOSION in which SMP Nipple Cutted Pretty Boy!

-Viruz volunteered to take on American Panda at October Surprise. SMP was glad to make that match, and booked a Bamboo on a Bamboo Pole Match.

-Kobe Gyant and Al U. Minium-Ladder defeated Steel Chair and Red Chair due to outside interference by the 4 Steelchairs and Va-Jay-Jay Dillon.

-Post-match, Mike “The Montone” Monroe, Woody Table and Acoustic Guitar came to Gyant and Ladder’s rescue. We were also treated to a catfight between Kay Fabe and Dillon!

-Kurt Angel declared a zombie jihad and challenged Zombie Mr. Fantastic to a match at October Surprise.

-Fingerbang XXX (XXXtreme Machine and Snapmare Kid) then faced off in a town hall debate, trying to convince uncommitted viewers to buy October Surprise. The Wizard and Thomas Largeman appeared on the scene and put a beating down on FXXX.

-In what turned out to be the main event, Jerri Li defeated Kay Fabe in a match that was too hot for TV! You’ve just got to see it to believe it. Jerri Li in nothing but saran wrap? Oh baby!

-In a shocking post-match development, “Stupendous” Stephen Hawking was found thrown down a flight of stairs. Who pushed Hawking’s wheelchair down the stairs?

-Kid Pirate and Kamikazie Ken had a dramatic face to face staredown. Interspecies sexual tension anyone?

-With the show rapidly running out of time, we found out that there will be a special bonus iMPLOSION next week! The promised Swiss Army Belt Scrabble Scramble Match between Steve Studnuts, The Great, XFactor Pete Trable, and Death will go on as scheduled. But what about Hawking? Will he be able to gut out the pain and compete? Does a paraplegic feel pain?

Check out Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION! #13!

Ted news brawlers on a budget, e-fed, e-wrestling, parody, wrestling

It’s Tuesday night, 8:25 p.m. in Sin City. Kobe Gyant is driving around on an outdoor basketball court on a moped and shooting hoops. SWOOSH! Kobe note: Monta Ellis is a BITCH. Kobe’s alone, except for Mike “The Monotone” Monroe, The BOB’s Interviewing Guy, who approaches The BOB’s greatest of greats. Kobe is in a gold and purple #99 Los Santos jersey and matching shorts. Kobe captures the ball, does a lap, and hits a three-pointer off the backboard.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Man, the only thing lamer than you being out here tonight Mike would be some wrestler dude claiming he made himself a self-made millionaire by designing clothes made in Chinese sweatshops. I’ll be real. I’m a dollar menunaire. But that’s only because I’ve probed more women than all the gray aliens in recorded history, you know…

<--Mike Monroe-->

You sound a bit ticked off tonight, Kobe. What’s up?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

It’s all Ronnie James Dio’s fault!

<--Mike Monroe-->

Ronnie James Dio, the singer? Don’t you mean Steel Chair and the 4 Steelchairs?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Nah, those dudes ain’t no threat to Kobe Gyant. Shoot, they ain’t even Ranted since the Rant Zone moved to eWmania. I’m e-fed up them!

<--Mike Monroe-->

E-fed up?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Yeah. But look, I’m The BOB’s sunset superman. When things were looking bleakest for BOB, a rainbow in the dark appeared. Kobe Gyant! It’s time to stand up and shout it to the world. ANYTHING IS POSSIBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLE! Anyway, Ronnie James Dio, I’m comin’ for you! Look out!

<--Mike Monroe-->

Ohhhhhhkay.

Kobe retrieves the basketball on his moped and then motors to half-court.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Look, Mike. The only way Steel Chair and Red Chair can beat me is if I have an accident on my moped here tonight and break my ankle, you know. But my ankles are made of steel, son! They won’t bury me when I die, they’ll recycle me, you know…Shoot, my ankles are so strong I once gave Annabeth Gish an orgasm just by wiggling my big toe! Mike, one day soon, my name will be in the rafters of the BOB Ballroom, after I’ve won multiple ONLY WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS THAT MATTER.

But first things first. Steel Chair, Red Chair, I’m gonna hurt you worse than my brain hurt after watching the movie “Steel.” Count on it! And we out.

Kobe takes one final shot from half-court. Nothing but net!

Kobe Gyant rant e-fed, e-wrestling, Kobe Gyant, parody, Steel Chair, wrestling