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~~~Connie Lingus and Jizzabelle Cummins are dancing around Steve Studnuts’ home in Phoenix, nearly naked, with a bunch of frat boys from Arizona State University waving dollars over their heads. Steve walks in with a large welt on his forehead and looking like somebody stole the format of his promos.~~~
Connie: Steve? What’s wrong?
~~~He drops his title belts on the floor.~~~
Studs: I’ve lost my smile.
Connie: What does that mean?
Studs: It means I have to go find my fuckin’ smile.
Connie: You leaving?
Studs: Yep.
Jizz: When will you be back?
Studs: Don’t fuckin’ know.
Connie: You’re not pulling a Vince Young, are you?
Studs: Connie, quit draggin’ out this promo. My handler’s at work. He doesn’t have all fuckin’ day. Ya dig?
Jizz: Steve, you’re scaring us.
Studs: So be it. Fuck off.
~~~Steve turns and walks back out the front door.~~~
CAPTION: TWO DAYS LATER.
~~~Connie Lingus (who’s still looks as though she’s the offspring of a lesbian four-way featuring Cindy Crawford, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Angie Everhart, and Darva Conger) and Jizzabelle Cummins (who still looks like the offspring of a lesser, more conventional, lesbian one-on-one between Reese Whitherspoon and Tara Reid) are cleaning up Steve’s house (yes, where’s a fucking camera when you need one?) when Steve walks in. He’s noticeably limping.~~~
Connie: Steve! You’re home. Hey? Why are you limping? You look like you’ve been ass raped. Metaphorically speaking, of course.
Studs: Of course. You know, Connie…it’s been a bad fuckin’ weekend. Did you see the score of the Sun Valley / Sin City game? What the fuck is up with that? I knew I should have played Stewart. And who the fuck gets 44 pts from their fuckin’ DEFENSES and 18.5 from a WR? Luckiest motherfucker ever…
Jizz: What are you talking about? And we thought you were going to be gone for awhile.
Studs: That’s why you’re cleanin’, right? Invite people over, make ‘em think it’s your place. Shit like that?
Jizz: Well? Yeeeeeah!
Connie: Quit side-stepping, Steve. We were somewhat worried about you. What was all this “lost your smile” business.
Studs: Doesn’t matter. I found it. (he reaches into his pocket a pulls out a circular device with what appears to have manufactured labia on it.)
Connie: Okay…. WHAT.. the HELL….. is THAT?
Studs: It’s my smile. It’s a pocket pal.
Jizz: A what?
Studs: You know, a pocket pussy. I use it on the road to keep me honest. It had fallen into a side sleeve in my gear bag and I couldn’t find it. It drives me crazy when I lose it. Ya dig?
Connie: THAT’S your smile?
Studs: Well sure. When I’m out on the road and I get a little horny, I slap it on, think of you two gals, and smile.
Connie: Awwww.
Jizz: That’s sweet!
Connie: Would you like a turkey pot pie? I can fix you one right away!
Studs: That sounds yummy. But first, can you wash this off (he holds out the pocket pal), I told Flunky I would.
Jizz: Huh? What’s a Flunky?
Connie: He’s that do-it-all guy at wrestling. Why would you tell him you’d wash it?
Studs: Duh? It’s HIS. He asked me to hide it for him a couple of days because the Flunkette was gettin’ supicious. Do you really think I’d use a pocket pussy? Fuck! I cheat on you bitches all the fuckin’ time! I’m Steve fuckin’ Studnuts!
Connie: Ooooooh! I hate ….
Jizz: You’re an asshol….
Studs: Calm down. CALM…. the fuck down. I’m kiddin’. Do you REALLY think I’d REALLY hold this in my hand if it had been on Flunky’s dick? Come on now…
~~~The girls questioningly stare at Steve.~~~
~~~Several seconds of silence pass~~~
Connie: You’re right. Give it here, I’ll clean it.
Studs: …sucker…
Connie: What?
Studs: Umm. Thank you? Heh.
~~~Steve walks to the fridge, takes a beer out, and walks over and flops down on a leather sectional.~~~
Studs: So? What else is up?
Jizz: I got a boob job! Can you tell?
Studs: I can tell one is saggin’ a little lower than the other.
~~~Connie is back in the room.~~~
Connie: Yeah, she got a free one, too. Lucky girl!
Studs: Lucky?
Jizz: Well, not really. The guy said he’d give me a free one if he got to do it with me. He looked like he hadn’t had any in a while, so I just thought, “why not”? If I get a free augmentation in exchange for about 45 seconds of this guy spasming on top of me, that sounded fair enough. Nice enough guy, but he bragged a lot. Had a huge schlong, too… almost like he had a reconstructed, monster size doobie attached to his body after some guy cut off his old one with a sword in a make believe, dream world fight.
Studs: What? Wait a minute. Lift your halter, I want to see your tits.
~~~She does with her nude back to the camera.~~~
Studs: I see, yeah… I see how this is goin’ down.
Connie: What now?
Studs: LOOK at her tits, Connie! One is droopy as fuck and the other….gatDAMN! Her nipple. Her nipple is…. it’s fuckin’ GRINNING at me!
~~~He throws his beer across the room.~~~
That. Mother. Fucker.
~~~Steve gets up and runs to a nearby closet. He pulls out a box and starts rummaging through it like a man possessed.~~~
Jizz: What are you doing?
Studs: Lookin’ for somethin’.
Connie: Looking for what?
Studs: A black medical book.
Connie: A what?
Studs: A little black medical book.
Connie: WHAT?
Studs: A BLACK, a little fuckin’ black medical book!
~~~Steve pauses and looks around dumbfounded for a minute~~~
Hold on, I’m readin’ the gatdamn script from when I auditioned for the “Lance” character in Pulp Fiction. Sucks I didn’t get it, but Stolz pulled it off like a motherfucker. (he crumples the paper and tosses it on the floor, pulls another piece of paper out of his pocket). Here it is.
Studs: I’m lookin’ for a tape.
Connie: A what?
Studs: A video tape. Need to send it to somebody.
Jizz: Who?
Studs: A “friend”. Heh.
And he’s not goin’ to like fuckin’ watchin’ it nearly as much as I did fuckin’ makin’ it. Ya dig?
~~~The girls stare at each other and shrug.~~~
Connie: Well we do have some GOOD news.
Studs: (still searching in the box) Oh really? What now?
Connie: Remember that Lloyd’s of London policy you took out on your catchphrases?
Studs: Yep.
Connie: They’re cashing in! Some clod named Jack Hoff used “fuck knuckle” and your sign off tag. That’s 15 grand!
Studs: Sweet! We’re goin’ to Sizzler tonight, bitches! Get ready to go….
~~~They run off giggling~~~
Studs: AHHH! Here it is! (he holds a video tape up)
Now this motherfucker comes full circle.Ya dig?
~~~STATIC~~~