Blame Game.
[The camera opens to Axl lying on the couch, in front of the tv, checking out the replay of "Running On Empty"... an ice pack on his forehead, from one of the numerous piranha bites he suffered.]
[The audio from the television set is heard, as Axl grimaces in pain...]
Pigeon: Hey, look. It’s Jeff Hardy and Bono making out in the front row!
Axl: What? Where!
*CRUNCHSPLASH*
[Axl wonders aloud...]
Axl: How did he know… I coulda sworn I didn’t post it on my MySpace… and I’m pretty sure I didn’t say anything about it on the Hardy Boyz or U2 forums that I frequent every day from the time I wake up at 3pm till the time I go to bed… usually around 6am the next morning… I wonder how he knew?
Michelle: Knew what?
[Michelle walks into the picture, perplexed by Axl's question.]
Axl: Uh… er… MICHELLE! I’ve been meaning to talk to you. You know, I really thought you loved me… I really thought you cared…
Michelle: What ever gave you that idea? ERRR, I mean, of course I do baby! So, uh… what’s the deal? Because I really need some of your sweet, sweet “Mayor of Sinister City” moolah. I’ve got my eyes set on this diamond encrusted vibrator…
Axl: Michelle, I heard what you said on commentary! Now, I could handle Pigeon, because he was worthless to the Hierarchy anyway. But YOU?! I’d never in a million years expect YOU, my Queen, to betray me!
Michelle: … Wha’?
Axl: Feast your eyes on the tv set!
[Axl sets the ice pack on the table, and tracks the tape to a certain part, before pressing play...]
Michelle: Hehehehe. (Whispering) Scotty, to be honest, I think Axl’s only asking me who my daddy is so Axl can picture him naked.
Axl: And THIS!!!
[He presses fast forward... yeah, I'm cutting the narration short. Just doing my duty to keep this thing under six pages. You can thank me later, John...]
Michelle: This is just like being on ecstasy when Axl’s in the room. Just really, really confusing and disappointing.
Axl: SO?! What do you have to say for yourself?!
Michelle: I… I… … *snort* BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh dear LORD, I crack me up! Strangely, I’m more funny at On-Demands and iMPLOSION tapings than I am, like, you know, now?
Axl: I’m funny…
Michelle: Huh? No, I said I’M not funny.
Axl: No, I… I mean to say… nevermind. … You think I’m an ok writer, don’t you? I mean… I don’t suck out loud, do I?
Michelle: I wouldn’t know. I don’t have a dick.
Axl: … THAT’S IT! This relationship is FINISHED!
Michelle: … Ok? Seriously, there’s plenty of guys just banging at the door to be with me…
Axl: Really? Already coming back for seconds, are they?
Michelle: !!! You take that back!
Axl: MAKE ME!
Michelle: Nah.
Axl: SO I – … Wait, what? You’re supposed to argue back!
Michelle: Dude, I don’t blow out a blood vessel over every fucking little thing like you. Why don’t you argue with yourself? You might actually win something for once!
Axl: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU BITCH!!!
Michelle:
Axl: GRRRR… Alright, you can stay… but bring in Viruz. I need to speak with my brother… alone.
Michelle: Oooo, I smell incest! And it smells ROTTEN!
Axl: JUST BRING THE SUMBITCH IN HERE, WILL YA?!
[Michelle sticks out her tounge, before heading for the door. Viruz enters, Michelle exits. As Axl sits on the couch, tapping his fingers away at the armrest, Viruz looks a bit puzzled.]
Viruz: So, uh, hey bro… you call me in here -
Axl: VIRUZ. You dissapoint me.
Viruz: … Right… Is that all?
Axl: … No.
Viruz: Fuck, not another one of your long ass boring diatribes… I mean! Uh… aw shit, go ahead, get it over with. [looks at watch] Dammit, I better not miss Deep Space Nine for this…
Axl: Brother… my loyal, and most trusted consultant… friend… peer… bro. The one whom sprung forth from the very same womb as I. My brethran. Viruz. Good, and loyal, and trusted, and worthy, and -
Viruz: GODDAMIT, FUCK, WILL YA JUST PLEASE, JUST HURRY THIS SHIT UP?! GOD!!!
Axl: … Ahem. As you know, we competed in a handicap match against Pigeon at Running on Empty.
Viruz: … Yeah, wow, that only occured, what, 5 FRICKIN’ HOURS AGO?!
Axl: And I’m still feeling the pain.
Viruz: I’m feeling the pain… Oh dear God, do you ever have anything to say, or do you just start rambling, and pray that whatever comes out forms a coherent thought?
Axl: I’M TRYING TO SPEAK, ALRIGHT?! Can I finish?!
Viruz: I wish you would…
Axl: -_- Anyway… As I was saying. During our match, you forced Detached Narrator to hand you the Narrating powers.
Viruz: … I did? … I thought he forced ME to take over for him so he could mess with Scotty?
Axl: REGARDLESS. When you took over, you pressed a button. A button of cataclysmic proportions. A button that you KNEW you shouldn’t have pressed!
Viruz: Was it a campaign button?
Axl: That one wasn’t even funny!
Viruz: I know, you wrote that one!
Axl: Bastard, I did not! Lies…
Viruz: But that was just ONE lie.
Axl: Well… uh… you DID tell more than one lie. The first one was that I wrote that.
Viruz: … Annnd?
Axl: And… SO, anyway -
Viruz: You suck.
Axl: I’M NOT GAY!!!
Viruz: Jeez… Mr. Defensive, aren’t we?
Axl: The bottom line is, you pushed a button that caused me to lose!
Viruz: US!
Axl: Us to lose. That’s what I said!
Viruz: No it’s not!
Axl: And here’s the footage! And you suck ass.
Viruz: HEY!
[Axl tracks the tape once again, presses play, and - ]
Viruz: … Why are you showing me gay porn? …. EWWW, Why is gay porn even ON your tape?! DUDE, GROSS!!!
Axl: I-UH-I… MICHELLE!!! You recorded over my BoB tape again!!! Heheh, yeah, see there Vi, total… uh… miscommunication is what it is… er, uhm, uh… yeah.
Viruz: Suuure, bro. I’ll keep your secret. … As will all the people that are watching this promo!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Axl: You MOTHER FUH-
[Suddenly, Michelle comes in, snatches the tape, and looks at Axl.]
Michelle: Axl… Viruz didn’t see… anything… did he?
Viruz: … Hold on… wait a minute, you mean, that really IS your tape? … Damn.
Michelle: … You saw it, didn’t you.
Viruz: Yeah. Well, atleast I know why you’re into Axl and not me. You get turned on my gay dudes!
Axl: GODDAMIT!
Michelle: Yeah… it’s sad, isn’t it?
Viruz: Very.
Michelle: Aw well, maybe one day I can land a three-way with Axl and one of his “close friends”. I’ll watch them go at it for a bit… Then me and the other dude will go at for a bit.
Axl: WHAT ABOUT ME?!
Michelle: Hey, I said you and him can go at it first! Sheesh, little miss stingy!
Axl: I MEANT – Dammit, for the last time, I’m – not – GAYYY!!!
Viruz: Man, bro, your face is redder than a baboon’s ass…
Michelle: And trust me, the baboon’s ass smells way, way better!
Viruz: Holler!
*Viruz and Michelle high five*
Axl: ARRRGGGHHH! Viruz, I have a copy of the ppv. And I’m going to show it to you!
Viruz: The pay-per-view? Because if you mean something else…
Michelle: You mean his…
Viruz: Yeah, I’m sure he’s just WAITING to whip it out.
Michelle: It’s like a baby carrot!
Viruz: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! A BABY- A baby carrot, hahahahahaha, *snort* Ohhh, my GOD you’re cool Michelle, ya know that?
Michelle: Meh. Somebody has to be in this relationship.
Axl: … AAAAGGGHHH!
[Axl jams the tape in, and presses play.]
[ (voice of Viruz) What's this button do?]
Pigeon: Hey, look. It’s Jeff Hardy and Bono making out in the front row!
Axl: What? Where!
*CRUNCHSPLASH*
Styles: PIGEON DROP INTO THE PIRANHA TANK! ONE! TWO! THREE! HEGOTTHEM!
[What the hell?]
YSW: Viruz, I’m afraid you hit the “Randomly End This Match” button. Oh well. Go Green Mosheen!
[Younger Scotty Whatbody vanishes, and Viruz reappears in the middle of the ring.]
Styles: DROP TOE HOLD ONTO THE BARBED WIRE GLASS TABLE! OH MY GOD!
SW: Bwahahaha! Viruz just put 18 million cracks in the barbed wire glass table. He’s like Hillary Clinton. A big loser!
Viruz: … Well… that wasn’t funny at all.
Michelle: Heh… kinda was.
[Viruz looks at Michelle.]
Michelle: KINDA. Crimeny…
Axl: So, as you can plainly see, you, Viruz, pressed that button, the button YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PRESSED… and single handedly cost us the damn match! What do you have to say for yourself?!
Viruz: You have a baby carrot dick.
Axl: … VIRUZ!!! The only way you’re going to make this up to me, is if you track down Pigeon, chain him up, and lock him away in the dungeon. And every day, until October Surprise, we’re going to torture the poor bastard!
Viruz: What, are you going to have a television down they’re playing your promo’s 24/7?
Axl: … NO! Just… Just go. Find him. Beat him down. Whatever you have to do, just make sure that son-of-a-bitch is locked up inside the castle dungeon before noon. Do you understand?
Viruz: Well…
Axl: DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!
Viruz: YES I UNDERSTAND!!!
Axl: !!!
Viruz: I mean, yes. I understand.
Axl: You know Vi, that no matter how many insults you throw down upon me, that I’m your ticket to success. I’m the strong link in the family genes. And without me, you’d be nothing but a common peasant… a beggar, just like the rest of the filth in my Kingdom. But with me? You have power. Some power… just a teeny, tiny morsel of power. But enough. Enough to put you at a position second only to me. But a distant, DISTANT second. For I am the King… the SAVIOR of Brawlers on a Budget. And -
Michelle: Uh, baby?
Axl: Yes, can’t you see I’m in the middle of one of my speeches?
Michelle: Just thought you’d like to know that Viruz left about five minutes ago. God, he’s right, you do tend to ramble on…
Axl: …
Michelle: Just saying…
[Michelle is about to leave, when Axl calls for her...]
Axl: Michelle…
Michelle: Yeah?
Axl: Call Kurt. And tell him… although I appreciated his assistance… It wasn’t needed.
Michelle: Are you kidding me? You guys were being manhandled by Pigeon out there! … What am I saying, your little baby carrot dick was probably cumming like water from a garden hose out there! BWAHAHA!
Axl: JUST… Just tell Kurt… Tell him that if I want help? I’ll ask for it. I’m the King of this City, and the Savior of BoB. And I’ll be DAMNED if I need anyone’s help… DO YOU HEAR ME MICHELLE?! DO YOU?! DO – … Michelle?
[Axl looks over the back of the couch, but Michelle's already left.]
Axl: … Fuck. Aw well… who needs ‘em.
[Axl reaches over to the table, grabs the ice pack, and rests it back on his forehead... as he continues watching the "Running on Empty" tape...]
> > > meanwhile… < < <
[Vi walks through the front door... but just as he does, he finds Pigeon... sitting just outside the castle, cross-legged... picking his nose. Pigeon spots Viruz, and removes his finger from his nostril... lifting the green and yellow tipped finger toward the "l33t hax0r"...]
Pigeon: Care to have a taste?
Viruz: Uh… no thanks.
Pigeon: Fine… suit yourself.
[Pigeon consumes the boogie.]
Viruz: … Ok… Hey, uh, would you mind being locked up in a dungeon, and tortured daily?
Pigeon: Sure, why not. Sounds fun.
Viruz: Cool…
[Viruz leads Pigeon toward the basement of the "castle", which has been converted into a dungeon. Attached to the walls are Tony Spaghetti, Mario Spaghetti, raYne's sister snOw, and roving reporter Rebecca Mulesworth.]
Pigeon: Wow… Axl’s gained quite a collection.
Viruz: Yeah. Say hi everybody!
Tony: Wassamata you! Heyyy, ova’ hee-yah!
Viruz: Alright, that’s enough from you, ya damn Brooklyn-Italian stereotype!
Mario: It’s-ah Me, Ah-
Viruz: Same goes for you, ya plain ol’ Italian stereotype!
snOw: This sucks. When do we get out of here? Hey, Rebecca, you a lesbian?
Rebecca: EWWW, NO! Like, I am SOOO straight, totally! I cannot even BELIEVE you just asked me that?! I would not go out with you, you… you… DYKE!
snOw: Hey, if ya got tits, ya got a nice round ass, and ya got a juicy little hair pie I can sink my teeth intah, you’re my kinda lady, no matter if you THINK you’re a lesbian or not! Sister, I could make you scream louder than any man could ever dream of! Besides, my genetalia’s ready to give AND receive, if ya know what I mean!
Rebecca: Oh-my-god, you’re a hermaphrodite. ICKIE! Stay away from me! Dammit, why are we even in the same dungeon! Can’t I get switched over to another room or something?!
Viruz: Maybe I oughta bring down the duct tape… aw well. Pigeon, come over here. there’s one more spot for a prisoner, and it’s got your name on it.
Pigeon: I don’t see my name anywhere…
Viruz: Well, it’s a metaphor.
Pigeon: Or is it a simile?
Viruz: I’m not for certain… Anyway, I’ll lock you up.
Pigeon: Alright…
Viruz: Annnd, there ya go.
Pigeon: … Are you sure? It doesn’t seem to -
Viruz: [to everyone] Alright everybody, I’ll be heading out now. Remember… keep your chins up.
Mario: It’s-ah ME, ah-Mar-
Tony: Aw, give it a rest, bro! Seriously, is that all yooz eva’ say, ovah hee-yah? “It’s-ah me, ah-Mario!” Sunnamagun! It’s like your a goddam walkin’ talkin’ stereotype!
Rebecca: Look who’s talkin’…
Tony: I SWEAR! Yooz says one more thing, ONE more, and you’ll be sleepin’ wit’ da fishes!
Viruz: Pigeon… stay tough.
Pigeon: Why are you being so nice?
Viruz: Trust me… out of me and my brother? I’m the one that actually received a conscience. All he got was… well, a little baby carrot dick.
Pigeon: …
Viruz: Yeah, just forget I said anything. Anyway… be strong. I’m out.
[Viruz heads for the door... but just as he's about to close it, Pigeon calls him back.]
Pigeon: Viruz…
Viruz: Yes?
Pigeon: I was in this conversation with a friend of mine the other day… pondering wrestling’s greatest tag teams. And how much one member of each team would have benefited if they were given a singles push.
Viruz: Yeah? So?
Pigeon: I always did think you were the talented one. Not only as a brother of Axl’s… but as a tag team partner. Sometimes it’s better for one to trek out on their own… than to focus on sharing the glory.
Viruz: Well -
Pigeon: Don’t allow Axl to fool you, Viruz. He may tell you that he’s the talented one, and that you’re simply riding on his coattails… but the truth is, it’s the other way around. Without you? He’d be nothing.
Viruz: But… I…
Pigeon: Think about it. And tell him… I’m waiting for the torture. It better be painful… it better be brutal. Because I want to feel my blood trickling down from every cut… I want to bruise, Viruz.
Pigeon: I want to hurt.
Viruz: … Damn. You’re one sick mo-fo.
Pigeon: Indubidibly.
[Viruz leaves... and Pigeon stares at the dusty, dungeon floor... arms in chains at his sides... Pigeon resembling Jesus on the crucifix.]
Pigeon: Quoth the Pigeon…
snOw: REBECCA’S A WHORE!!!
Rebecca: AM NOT, CARPET MUNCHER!!!
snOw: Hosebrain!
Rebecca: Gack-breath!!!
Pigeon: *sigh* And I believe the torture has officially begun…
> > > meanwhile < < <
[The camera opens one last time... this time, to a close-up of the living room tv set.]
Styles: Once again, Steel Chair’s got the cover! One! Two! NO! Kobe got the shoulder up somehow once again!
[lights out.]
Styles: Damnit! Who keeps doing that?
SW: Maybe it’s that dude from “Airplane!”
Styles: No, he’s dead.
SW: He is? Aww, man. Way to bring down the show, Styles.
[lights on. Three additional chairs are in the ring now. One is in the hands of a blonde woman who is now in the ring.]
*SMACK*
Styles: And that’s a DQ.
SW: What in the hell is this?
[The woman picks up the various chairs and begins hitting Kobe with them.]
SW: A white woman pissed at Kobe? She must be pregnant with his kid.
Styles: That’s pretty likely. Kobe Gyant’s gonna win this one by DQ. But what is the deal with this woman.
SW: Mike Monroe’s going in for an interview? Bwahahaha. Hit Mike!
Mike Monroe: Excuse me, ma’am. What is the meaning of this? Who are you?
Woman: Who am I? My name is Va-Jay-Jay Dillon! And may I introduce to you, the most elite group in parody wrestling today! Steel Chair! Red Chair! Black Chair! And Beige Chair. The 4 Steelchairs! Tell ‘em, Steel!
[Mike holds the microphone up, er, down to Steel Chair.]
Steel Chair: …
Crowd: Woooo!
SW: That’s the best promo of its career. And 20 times better than Axl’s best promo.
MM: And what do you have to say for yourself, Red Chair?
Red Chair: …
MM: Menacing. Gentlechairs, we’re out of time. Styles, Scotty, it looks like there’s a new stable gunning for Kobe Gyant, masterminded by Va-Jay-Jay Dillon here. And whether we like it, or we don’t like it, we better learn to tolerate it. Styles, Scotty, back to you.
[Axl seems furious with what he sees... fueld by anger, Axl rewinds the tape... and it soon becomes apparent that it's not what he SEES... but what he hears which is ticking him off so much.]
[He returns to the same line... over... and over... and over again.]
Steel Chair: …
Crowd: Woooo!
SW: That’s the best promo of its career. And 20 times better than Axl’s best promo.
MM: And what do you have to say for yourself, Red Chair?
*rewind, rewind…*
SW: That’s the best promo of its career. And 20 times better than Axl’s best promo.
*rewind, rewind…*
SW: That’s the best promo of its career. And 20 times better than Axl’s best promo.
[Axl finally has enough, and flings his ice pack at the tv set... promptly tipping it over... and causing the screen of the set to shatter.]
Axl: Uh oh… Michelle’s not gonna be happy about that…
Axl: …
Axl: But really.
Axl: Who the fuck cares?
|the…
Michelle: AXL! What was that crashing sound?!
Axl: Shit…
|the|