[We open upon the production area of Sinister Stadium. Inside the arena, a football game is occuring between the Sinister City Scumbuckets and the Middle of Nowhere Nosepickers. But here in the production area, a figure lurks in the shadow… an eeevil figure… with a two-way headset. Yes, an eeevil, technologically minded figure, with a ravishingly handsome figure, and – ]
[Will you stop that?]
[You know what you doing.]
[… All your base are belong to us. :p]
[That was a typo. I meant to say, you know what you’re doing… Viruz.]
[Hey, I just thought, seeing as you brought me into the narrative position at Running On Empty, that I’d give it another whirl. Aren’t I l33t?]
[Whatever the fuck THAT means… Just get back to the script! Christ, you’re almost as bad as your brother…]
[Atleast I don’t have a baby carrot dick!]
[Yup, I’m sure it’s about as big as a string bean. ;D]
[Hey! Mine looks like a baby’s arm holding an apple, FYI!]
[Would that be a baby gerbil or a baby rabbit? ;D]
[Aww, just get back to the damn production station, I can already tell this thing is gonna go over six pages…]
Production Crew Member: Hey, who let you in?! This area is for staff only!
Viruz: I… I am a member of the staff!
PCM: … You are?
Viruz: … Yup.
PCM: … Oh. Well, cool then. Alright guys, he’s cool.
[Suddenly, much of the machinery in the station begins to shift around, switching into craps tables, roulette wheels, stripper poles (complete with skanky looking strippers) and a complete bar. The crew members return, with alcohol, cigerettes, drugs, and plenty of snacks.]
Viruz: Wow… THIS is what a production station is like?
PCM: You’re new here, aren’t ya? Yup, this is pretty much it. Boring, ain’t it?
Viruz: … Uh…
PCM: I’d much rather be doing work, but the commotion’s so loud in here that it makes it hard to pay attention to one’s job. I mean, someone could pretty much just slip any sort of video into this video player I’m pointing at, and BINGO! , the big screen in the arena could play something like a porno, or a really crappy Pauly Shore movie, instead of the scores and advertisements it’s set up to show.
PCM: I mean, if I were to be distracted, and then one of my crew mates were to try and notify me, I probably couldn’t hear ’em. The loud rock music in here would be waaay too… uh… loud. And musical. Know what I mean?
Viruz: I think I follow… Hey, could you look over in that general direction for about two or three minutes, however long it takes me to pop this video in the player while you’re distracted.
PCM: Hm… you wouldn’t try to do anything fishy, would ya?
Viruz: Nahhh, of course not. Maybe.
[The production crew member turns his attention to nothing in particular, while Viruz slips in a video. He then speaks into his headset.]
Viruz: Alrighty Axl, the eagle has landed.
Axl: *on the other end* … What?
Viruz: The cowboy has mosied into town!
Axl: Dammit bro, cut the double talk!
Viruz: Ugh! I put the fuckin’ tape in, capice?!
Axl: Ohhh, ok!
[While Axl and Viruz speak over the headset, the big screen in the stadium begins to cut and fill with static… the scoreboard dissapears, and the video begins to run. A field of lime green numbers and letters is seen…]
Viruz: Are you ready?
Axl: To suck it?
Viruz: … To do what you planned! Goddam, man, seriously, you need to get your eye on the ball…
Axl: Alright, alright. Put the tape in.
Viruz: … I ALREADY DID!!! Crimeny!
PCM: Hey, are you talking to someone on the headset?
Viruz: Uh… no.
PCM: Yeah you were!
Viruz: Uh… I’m ordering a pizza.
PCM: … Oh. Hey, could you order an Italian Sausage for me, I’ll give you ten bucks!
Viruz: … Sure?
PCM: Cool! Here ya go!
[The crew member hands Viruz the ten dollar bill. Vi stares at it… looks off to the side with a “how dumb can this guy be” expression, before pocketing the cash.]
Viruz: Uhm… hey, if you keep looking over there, I’ll let you give me more money.
PCM: Really?! Awesome!
[The crew member returns to staring at nothing nothing in particular.]
[Back in the stadium, the fans have their attention on the screen, as do both football teams and their captains… as well as the hot dog vendors, the cotton candy vendors, the soda pop vendors… Everyone has their eyes on the screen, which is now dwindling down to but a few letters…]
Axl: Viruz! You’re going to have to press a button to get this platform to rise.
Viruz: Uh… ok. Lemme see here… maybe it’s this one.
Axl: Hey! Not that one! Water just started to pour in down here… that’s weird…
Viruz: How about this one…
Axl: DAMMIT VI! Stop kiddin’ around! Now the walls seem to be closing… that couldn’t be…
Viruz: Here it is!
[Viruz presses the button, and Axl, now surrounded by water, and close to being compacted, begins to rise up. Unfortunately, due to the closing walls, the platform’s jammed.]
Axl: The platform’s jammed!
Viruz: Yeah, I heard the narrator!
Axl: What am I supposed to do?!
Viruz: Uh… swim!
Axl: … Fuck… I don’t know how to swim!
Viruz: … Heheheh…
Axl: THAT’S NOT FUNNY!!!
Viruz: Heh… er, sorry. Ok… Uhm, don’t panic. Uh… I know! There’s this button here that reads “In case of platform area being submerged in water, with the walls closing, the platform being stuck, and you not knowing how to swim, PRESS THIS”. Should I press it?
Axl: Is that EVEN a question?! YES!!!
Viruz: Sheesh! Don’t have a cow man…
Axl: I’m about to die here! I’ll have a cow if I damn well please!
[Viruz presses the button… and a cow drops into the water… a cow in an inner tube. The cow drifts down the water… Axl reluctantly grabs on, and the cow floats back to the surface. Axl crawls out of the opening.]
Jay Sherman: Hold it, hold IT!
[Huh? Who the hell are you?]
Jay Sherman: I am… the CRITIC!
Jay Sherman: And I ask you, kind sir, how on EARTH can a cow float? With an inner tube?! BAH! Bah, I say! And moreso, why would a section of an arena house such a platform facility as that which the main character was standing within? With streaming water, compacting walls, AND the aforementioned floating cow?! PROPOSTEROUS! And furthermore!
[Oh, shut up!]
Jay Sherman: YOU STINK!!!
[Well, I haven’t taken a shower in a millenium, so… Anyway, Axl crawls out of the opening, looking like a drowned rat. Not exactly the grand entrance he’d planned. Nevertheless, he stands, and throws his arms in the air, as the football fans… begin to laugh. Well, he IS soaked, but it couldn’t be THAT funny…]
Sinister City Fan: There’s our mayor!
[Axl smiles smugly to himself.]
Sinister City Fan: Hey MAYOR! How’s it like tah be a QUEER!
[Axl… doesn’t smile so much.]
Middle of Nowhere Fan: Didn’t he use to live in Nowhere? Wasn’t he OUR mayor?!
Another Middle of Nowhere Fan: Yeah, but then he moved HERE! And I’m glad we got rid ah the QUEER!
Axl: … The hell?
[Axl turns around, to look up at the big screen… The lime green wall of digits have come down to ten letters, which spell out “Axl is queer”, with the mayor’s smiling face.]
Viruz: What is it now?
Axl: VIRUZ!!! Did I NOT tell you to have the words spell out “Axl is here”?!
Viruz: I dunno, I was too busy banging Michelle.
Viruz: Er, I mean, yeah, I’m pretty sure you did… why, isn’t that what’s up there?
Axl: NO! And I’m pretty sure you know that! It says Axl is QUEER!
Viruz: BWAHAHAHA, ohhh, sweet dude!
Axl: NO! Not sweet, DEFINITELY not sweet!!! You bastard, you’re THIS close from me disowning you as a brother!
Viruz: … Really?
Axl: … This was SUPPOSED to be my way of showing the world that Luke Warm’s shitty “viral” videos were NOTHING compared to the masterpiece that I’m able to create –
Viruz: Well, actually, you had me do all the work… but whatever.
Axl: – But now?! It’s all ruined, and it’s all thanks to you! You’re making me SO ticked, Viruz!
Viruz: Sorry man, honest, I didn’t mean for that message to show up.
Sinister City Fan: Hey, everybody, let’s throw rotten vegetables at the mayor!
Axl: Ah shit…
[Axl scampers for the exit, as rotten produce begins to rain down upon him. As he runs, he shouts into the headset…]
Axl: VIRUZ! Get out of that damn production station, and head for the VW Beetle of Evil. These bastards are ruining my nice new torn up clothes! I spent good money to buy clothes this grungy! And Vi… you’re going to pay for not only a brand new set of clothes, but you’ll also pay for screwing up my video! When we get home, I’m going to practice for my match with that bald-headed assclown! When you buy my new outfit, remember to buy one of those cheap Luke Warm masks. Like this ;
Axl: Throw on a black vest, some jean shorts, and a knee brace, and get ready to have a few mud pies stomped into your sorry, melee mouthed, sumbitchin’ ass!
Axl: … Vi?
[Sorry to burst your bubble, but your brother left for the car a long, looong time ago.]
Axl: … Dammit. Maybe I should starting cutting my speeches by… ten or twenty minutes. Aw well…
[Axl leaves the arena, hops into the car with Vi, and the two speed off into the city. Or “Kingdom”. Or whatever Axl wants to call it next…]