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Archive for September, 2008

Not Safe For Work

September 29th, 2008
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Jerri Li

[The scene fades in on a window pane as rain splatters against it. Cut to a woman’s foot. The camera pans slowly upwards as a pair of fishnet stockings are unrolled over her silky smooth legs. The camera keeps going past her tight stomach, her skin the color of crème brûlée, her breasts, hidden behind a black bra, and neck until it reaches her face. It’s Jerri Li! She hasn’t been resurrected more than a few days and she already has clothes pegs all over her face.]

Jerri Li: I suppose I should thank you for bringing me back from Hell. There was no pain, no pleasure nothing. Just blackness. It was so boring.

[There is no answer, just giggling.]

Jerri Li: Are you even listening to me?

[Jerri turns around to see new found stable mates huddled around a computer monitor. Jerri looks mad at not being the center of attention and stomps over to them.]

Jerri Li: What are you guys doing?

[She sees what they are watching.]

Jerri Li: You guys are perverts.

Scatman

Scatman: Hey!

Christian St. Christian: Dude, you are just about the most perverted man I’ve ever met.

Scatman: Moi?

[Scatman stands up on the seat of his chair, puts his hands on his head and rotates his hips like a male stripper.]

Scatman: I’m just hyper-sexual baby. Fuck, now I’m horny.

[Scatman jumps down and runs off screen.]

Christian St. Christian

Jerri Li: Where’s he going?

CSC: You don’t want to know, trust me.

[Tentacle Beast takes over control of the computer.]

Tentacle Beast: Sweeeet.

Tentacle Beast

[Tentacle Beast gets about half way through the video before running off as well, making squishy noises as he goes.]

CSC: He’s had to convert to girls in catholic schoolgirl uniforms, poor guy. They don’t squeal enough for him.

Jerri Li: You guys ARE perverts! I suppose you like old grannies vomiting on each other.

CSC: Nah, that’s more Scatman’s kinda thing. I just have a crush fetish.

Jerri Li: You have a fetish for having crushes on girls?

CSC: Not quite.

[Jerri Li turns her neck and looks at St. Christian.]

Jerri Li: I think I understand.

CSC: Anyway, we’ve got bigger fish to fry.

Jerri Li: BOB?

[He nods.]

Jerri Li: Five minutes with you guys and that place seems normal.

CSC: Yeah, well.

[St. Christian cracks his knuckles over his chest.]

CSC: You want to get back at Sarah The Jobber Slayer right?

Jerri Li: Yes.

CSC: If you’ll join our stable we can help you. She’s well protected by the higher ups in BOB, but there’s little that can stand in the way of a psychopath with an iron chain, an eight foot demon and a guy covered in faeces. We’ll make sure you have your revenge and regain your T&A XX Division championship.

Jerri Li: I am going to tear Sarah limb from limb.

CSC: That’s all to come. But for now, I thought there might be a way we could combine our own personal fetishes.

[He puts on a pair of golf shoes and points for Jerri to lie down on the floor.]

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Black On Black Violence!

September 26th, 2008
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Kobe Gyant

Kobe Gyant stands in front of a podium. A throng of press corps surrounds The BOB’s MVP to hear what Kobe has to say.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

America, I have decided to postpone my campaign to become The BOB’s ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS.

Cameras flash.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

That’s right. You heard me. Insteadah, I am going to devote myself to go to Sin Citay, and save BOB from the greedy tycoons on Electric Avenue. The Brawlers on a Budget are desperately in need of a ratings bailout. I am the change The BOB needs. So, I have agreed to appear at Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION! and take head-on the most pressing need in our country. Black on black violence. Uh. Frankly, we need more of it. So that’s why I will go to iMPLOSION and defeat Black Chair. Thank you. Questions?

<--Mike Monroe-->

Hi, Kobe. Mike Monroe, Brawlers On a Budget. Um. Did you bring all these mirrors here to make it look like I’m more than one person? What’s up with this?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

I think that, at this point, some type of clarity is needed on this issue. And when I am the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS, I will work non-stop to deliver the type of change that The BOB is crying out for like a baby that’s been dumped by an teenager down a sewer hole. It’s time to bail out that baby and wipe the doodoo off her face. You don’t hate children, do you, Mike?

<--Mike Monroe-->

Quick followup: huh?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Again, I think that Acting BigBOSS Seth Harker, Vice President Trey Vincent, and Head Writer Michelle, the BOB leadership, needs to decide where we want to go as a federation. Do we want to go forward to the past? Or go onward into the present? I say, we should move back to the future. And the future is Kobe Gyant. Next?

<--Mike Monroe-->

Kobe, I

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Mike, Mike, please don’t dominate this press conference, let someone else ask a question. Yes, Mike?

<--Mike Monroe-->

I understand you’ve also agreed to participate in Snore Games at October Surprise. Who will be the fifth member of your team?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

It is my intention to be in Snore Games at October Surprise. Obviously, the biggest priority is making sure that I’m on the show so people will order it and send us money. But it’s also important to let everyone know that the 4 Steelchairs are flatter than Va-Jay-Jay Dillon. Seriously. The woman’s concave. Her nipples are innies. Her chest is like a black hole, you know. Maybe Stephen Hawking should investigate that instead of getting title shots while I feud with chairs. Anyone else?

<--Mike Monroe-->

Did you have sexual relations with Va-Jay-Jay Dillon?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Let me make this clear. I (slams fist on podium). Had (slams fist on podium). Sexual (slams fist on podium). Relations (slams fist on podium). With (slams fist on podium). That (slams fist on podium). Woman (slams fist on podium). Many times. Let’s just say if she were a poor country, I’d be a missionary in it, you know…The game was on, and her mouth was the board, you know…I took a swab of the DNA in her cheek, but it wasn’t with no Q-tip, you know…

<--Mike Monroe-->

Is she carrying your child?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Maybe, Mike. Maybe my unborn fetus will be my mysterious fifth teammate. Now how’s that for a heel turn? I can see it now. Kobe Jr. rips off the umbilical cord, wraps it around her bladder, makes her pee her pants, she slips in her own puddle, and break her leg. “Me So Horny” hits the speakers and that baby exits through the beef drapes to a standing ovation from the crowd! I like it a lot, Mike Monroe. Count on it! At October Surprise! Wouldn’t be the first time.

<--Mike Monroe-->

Pretty sure it would be.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

I had a life before BOB, you know… Anyway, press conference over. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go help Al U. Minium-Ladder, Woody Table, and Acoustic Guitar get ready for Snore Games.

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BOB Wrestling Presents: Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION! #11!

September 26th, 2008
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This Wednesday, Brawlers On a Budget returns to G5 TV with Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION! #11 as we get closer to our next BOB-On-Demand event, October Surprise.

BOBWrestling.com has received the following information regarding Wednesday’s iMPLOSION from BOB Vice President In Charge of Everything Trey Vincent:

-In six man action, you’ll see Kid Pirate, Coma and Hallucination Boy team up to face Seth Harker, Insano Mano and Kamikazie Ken!

Kobe Gyant is looking for revenge on the 4 Steelchairs after what happened at Running On Empty, and will go one on one with Black Chair!

-BOB needs a number one contender for the Swiss Army Belt. So, to sort this out, The Great and “Stupendous” Steve Hawking will face off in a number one contenders match.

Jerri Li made a shocking return from beyond last week. Will we learn more about her new stable of “Fetish Freaks”? And does Jerri still hold a grudge against Sarah “The Jobber Slayer,” the woman who defeated her for the T&A XX Division Title?

Plus, American Panda seems to be gunning for Axl. Meanwhile, Axl has a chance of a lifetime to face Trey Vincent for the Beer In The Belly on iMPLOSION 12 if he can come up with $50. Can he do it? Or will American Panda eat him before he can find the cash?

All this, and possibly less on the next Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION!

(Card subject to bait-and-switch)

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BOB Wrestling’s Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION! #10 Results!

September 25th, 2008
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Lots of doings a’ transpiring in Brawlers On A Budget after last night’s Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION! #10 as we get closer to our next On-Demand event, October Surprise.

Here’s what you can see if you go now:

Steve Studnuts and Death battle for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS in a cage! Is there a new champion, or was BOB’s Grand Slam Champion able to hold onto all his titles?

Zombie Mr. Fantastic puts the moves on a married zombie. Are we going to have to call in Joey Greco and the “Cheaters” team soon?

-SNORE GAMES: The Match Be-Yawn will return at October Surprise! Find out who the teams will be!

-A former T&A XX Division Champion made a shocking return. Who was it? I’m not telling. Go read!

American Panda gives its first exclusive interview to Mike Monroe. Wow, how’d we get that scoop?

Misty Waters, star of the new softcore straight-to-DVD “Lickyou Terrace,” battles with reigning T&A XX Division Champion Sarah “The Jobber Slayer.” Can the porn queen pull an upset?

Luke Warm and Axl go one on one. Can the Hierarchy overcome the thirstiest S.O.B. in BOB?

Trey Vincent extends an offer to Axl that he can’t refuse…unless Axl can’t come up with $50. What happened? You’ll have to watch it to find out!

Are you ready to Cross The Lame?

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Send My Wife Dead Flowers

September 24th, 2008
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Death

Death was feeling nostalgic. He looked over various photos and random merchandise he collected over the years that never sold because BOB is terrible at running a profitable company. Ah, the good old days of the Skull & Bones Society. But now Death and Steve Studnuts will face each other for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. In a cage. On Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION 10.

“Them Bones” by Alice in Chains ringing on his cell phone agitated Death.

“Hello?”

“Uhhhhhhh,” came the reply, followed by wheezing.

“For the last time, this isn’t 976-HOTT.” Death hung up the phone.

Then the doorbell rang.

“I’ve got to get to Sin City. The show’s about to start. Now what?”

Death rushed to the door of his palatial estate. After a few seconds, he opened the door. A bald, veiny, pale mishapen creature stood on his front step with a handful of dead black roses.

“Hey, Death.”

“Tyrant. How’s it going?”

“Not bad. Got a delivery here for your wife.”

Death stared at Tyrant for several seconds.

“I don’t need a signature, I guess.”

Death stared at Tyrant.

“So, I guess there’s no tip?”

Death stared at Tyrant.

“C’mon, man. I’ve got two Cerberus’s to feed. Have a heart.”

“I don’t HAVE a heart.”

“Do I have to kick your ass?” Tyrant asked, tossing the flowers down.

“I don’t have an ass.”

“I’ll skin you alive!”

“Yeah, good luck with that,” Death said with a chuckle. “Wait. Steve? Studnuts?”

“No. Tyrant! Remember?”

“Oh. You just sounded like some other jacked up idiot who won’t ever be able to conquer me. My bad.”

“Hmm. Why do I feel like I’ve been used as a prop in a roleplay?”

“That’s YOUR issue, man. Not mine. And who sent the dead black roses?”

“I think it was Zorro.”

Tyrant handed Death a small envelope. After a rip and a poof, Death shook out a card. The inside of the card was simply signed with a bloody “Z.” Oh, and a piece of tongue.

“Vincent van Zombie?” Tyrant asked.

Once again, “Them Bones” on his cell phone played.

“Hello?”

“Uhhhhhhh,” came the reply, followed by wheezing.

Death hung up. Tyrant stared at him.

“You’re waiting for a tip, aren’t you? Fine.”

Death reached into his cloak. Instead of money, Tyrant received a middle finger salute. Then the door was slammed shut in his face.

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!MPLOSION! 10

September 24th, 2008

Steve Studnuts

~~~Steve Studnuts is sitting at his computer, contemplating if he should play Jonathan Stewart instead of Michael Turner in week 4. Connie Lingus walks up.~~~

Connie: Steve? Shouldn’t you be doing a promo for your match with Death instead of worrying about your fantasy football team?

Studs: The fuck? What do you think is more important?

Connie: I guess the promo since I’m asking you about it.

Studs: NOTHING is more important than fantasy football. Ya dig? Besides, I can beat Death any day of the week. He can never beat me, the jerkweed has no heart. Heh.

Connie: Is that a bad joke about him being a skeleton?

Studs: I didn’t think it was that fuckin’ bad. Besides, I have a lot to prove this week. This is a cage match, on an !MPLOSION! card. What the fuck is that? I’m the GRAND SLAM ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS wrestling the number 1 contender, a former ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS, IN A CAGE MATCH? For FREE? Why is this not an On-Demand match? I’m in demand for On-Demand!

Connie: Oooooookay.

Studs: On top of that, I’m extra motivated to stomp the fuck out of Death since somebody in the locker room recently called me a primadonna.

Connie: Somebody called you Cher?

Studs: Huh?

Connie: Diana Ross?

Studs: What the fuck? No, bitch…. not “PRE” Madonna. P-R-I-M-A-D-O-N-N-A.

Connie: I’d agree with that.

Studs: What-the-fuck-ever. ANY-way…I can’t believe the boys up front didn’t think Studnuts/Death/Cage wasn’t a draw enough for some Send Us Money action. It’s an insult. So, instead of mailin’ it in like I planned on doin’, I’m gonna beat the skin off Death.

Connie: How is that possible? He doesn’t have skin.

Studs: Alright then. I’ll rip his fuckin’ guts out.

Connie: No guts, either.

Studs: I’ll poke his eyes out and skull fuck him to death.

Connie: What eyes? And what does humping his skull have to do with wrestling?

Studs: I’ll kick his fuckin’ ass!

Connie: But he doesn’t have an ass. Technically.

Studs: GATDAMMIT! Can’t I get a human fuckin’ bein’ to talk trash about? How about this? I’ll break all his readily accessible and visibly obvious bones!

Connie: Doesn’t quite have the ring of “kicking his ass.”

Studs: Good point. Regardless, I’ll make the suits sorry for offering this TOTAL DOMINATION on free television. A beatin’ this bad, you should have to pay to see, then look away and waste your money due to the sheer brutality of it.

Connie: I thought Trey and Seth were in charge of setting up the matches.

~~~Studnuts ponders this for a minute~~~

Studs: Do you think Trey is fuckin’ with me?

Connie: Well, he had the chance to keep Death from coming after you, and here you are wrestling Death in a cage match.

Studs: Yeeeeeah. And Trey, or Seth, had to sign this fuckin’ match, right?

Connie: I’m sure you guys have a plan.

Studs: I haven’t heard of a plan. Trey’s fuckin’ with me, I know it. Before long he’ll have me wrestlin’ a gatdamn grizzly bear like they did in the 70’s or in an angle with a cheap Cryme Tyme knock-off.

Connie: Panda.

Studs: Huh?

Connie: Panda bear. There’s a panda bear in your wrestling league.

Studs: You’re fuckin’ kiddin me, right?

Connie: Don’t you look at the other promos?

Studs: Duh? Why?

Connie: You should, before Thiefer Sutherland steals your spot.

Studs: Thiefer Sutherland? Pffft. That’s the most ridiculous fuckin’ thing I’ve ever heard. Cool name, though.
Thiefer Sutherland… some fucker named that stealing my spot? What’s next? Clay Aiken finally admittin’ he’s fuckin’ gay?

~~~Steve goes back to his computer screen.~~~

Studs: Fuck it, I’m leavin Turner in there. WHAT THE FUCK? What dumb motherfucker dropped Mendenhall with Parker out this week? And who drops Roethlisberger for…. who THE FUCK is J.T. O’Sullivan?

Time to hit the waiver wire, bitches!

~~~static~~~

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Axl 3:16 – part two.

September 20th, 2008
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Axl

Axl: STONECUTTER!

Viruz: Oh God, not again…

[Axl boots Vi, dressed in the Luke Warm costume he was told to purchase, and then drops the rip off of a rip off with a sloppy Stonecutter. Even sloppier than the real thing.]

Viruz

[Vi flies through the air, before slamming back first in the middle of a makeshift ring in the castle’s “courtyard”. Axl begins to stomp Vi down, as his brother yelps in pain.]

Axl: Had enough?

Vi: YES! Stop it for the love ah pete!

Axl: Alright, alright.

[Axl stops, and helps Vi up. Vi holds his gut with one hand and his neck with another, as Axl pats him on the back.]

Axl: Alright, go take a rest. You deserve it. … After the ASS kicking I just handed you, bwahahahahahahahahaha!!!

Vi: …

[Viruz heads into the castle. As he does, he passes Michelle.]

Michelle: It didn’t really hurt, did it.

Vi: Nah, but ya gotta give a dog a bone every once in a while.

Michelle: Aren’t you the nice one. Ya ever think about –

[Michelle whispers into Vi’s ear, as he begins to smile.]

Vi: Heheh… mmm, ya know, you’re one tempting little dish, Michelle.

[Vi looks into Michelle’s eyes… and the two begin to lean in closer… and closer… when – ]

Axl: Hey you two, what’s crack-a-lackin’!

[Axl claps Viruz on the shoulder, and Vi and Michelle look a bit uncomfortable.]

Michelle: Heyyy… I’ll be inside, you two have fun.

Vi: But – !

*door slams*

Vi: …

Axl: So, bro. How’d you enjoy having a few mudpies stomped into ya?

Vi: It’s mud HOLES, Axl. Mud – … Forget it. Hey, why don’t you cut a promo out here, and I’ll go screw your chick.

Axl: What?!

Vi: I said I’ll go inside and cook dinner, geez, you need to get your ears checked…

Axl: Huh… Sounded like you said –

*door slams*

Axl: … Aw well. [looks into the camera] Luke! I am your father! HAHAHA! Ahh, I crack me up… But seriously.

Axl: You used to be a legend here, Luke. An icon. A… really important dude. Now? You’re NOTHIN’. Nada, zip, zilch, not a single damn thing! And what am I? The biggest fuckin’ thing this sorry excuse for a company has to offer, and yet, I’m pullin’ the curtain, opening up the card by beating the crap out of your sorry, pathetic, worthless, dried up, has been ASS. But… it’s ok. Because I know, deep down within the confines of my cold, black, eeevil heart, that I WILL, soon, be back as a main-eventer!

[Wait… you were a main eventer?]

Axl: YES! I main evented… a couple of times.

[As in two? Or less?]

Axl: ATLEAST two! But regardless of how many times I’ve main evented on tv or ppv, I am absolutely destined to become a main eventer… and the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS!!! And I’m not going to let anyone stand in my way of accomplishing that goal, whether it be some bald-headed bumbledink HICK, such as Luke Warm, or even some euceleptis leaf munchin’ PANDA, such as American… uh… PANDA… !!!

Axl: Why?

Axl: Because I am… The Savior. I Am… The King. And I AM –

[Suddenly, the cameraman dozes off to sleep, due to intense boredom, causing the camera to crash to the ground, and go to – ]

*static*

Axl: Note to self… bribe the Great’s son Little Johnny into creating a robot camera man. I wonder if he could use any more plutonium…

|the|

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Snore Games: The Match Be-Kobe’s!

September 19th, 2008
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Kobe Gyant

Running On Empty was another highlight in the career of parody wrestling’s greatest superstar ever conceived, Kobe Gyant. The match against Steel Chair was almost a five-star epic before that blonde ho Va-Jay-Jay Dillon wrecked it. But, just like he does with all his women, Kobe came out on top. The match was the easiest of his career. The concussion? A grade five. They had to redo the entire scale just to account for Kobe’s pain. Sure, Arethra sang about respect, but Steel Chair doesn’t deserve any. In fact, Kobe Gyant’s got his own version of that song that will someday soon be downloadable on his KobeSpace page and no doubt win an MTV Viewers Choice Award as well as a Grammy, and hell, why not even an Oscar once it appears in a film. Kobe can score just as well in a recording studio as on the basketball court. So, 1, 2, The Greatest Parody Wrestler’s coming for you…3, 4, better lock your door…

Mike “The Monotone” Monroe is sitting beside Kobe Gyant, who is asleep in bed. The time is 5:59 a.m. when the alarm radio goes off. “The Star Spangled Banner” plays.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Aw, hell no.

Kobe yanks the radio out of the wall, stumbles to the bathroom and drops the alarm clock in the toilet with a plop. Sounds of urination follow. Then a flush.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Josh Howard thinks he’s cool? He ain’t no Kobe. I take a whizz on every radio that dares to play the “Star-Spangled Banner,” that’s how black I am, son? Mike Monroe, what are you doing in my bedroom? Are you a sleep bandit? Shoot, I better not be sticky anywhere, you know…

<--Mike Monroe-->

Pardon me?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Well, you better have a plunger.

<--Mike Monroe-->

Sorry, no. I’m actually here to interview you. Every radio, really?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Yeah, my car smells like the men’s room at Los Santos International Airport after R Kelly’s been in there with two underage girls, you know…

<--Mike Monroe-->

*Ahem* Well.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

It’s quite a surprise to see you here, Mike. But speaking of surprises, I have an announcement to make about The BOB’s upcoming On-Demand event, October Surprise. I’ve been hearing the rumors about this match they call “Snore Games.” And I am throwing it out there right now. Kobe Gyant vs. the 4 Steelchairs, and hell, even Va-Jay-Jay Dillon in a Snore Games match!

<--Mike Monroe-->

Who would your partners be?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

My partners? Glad you asked. Follow me to my twenty-car garage.

Scene cuts to Kobe’s garage.

<--Mike Monroe-->

Funny, this doesn’t look like a 20-car garage.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Oh, it’s certified by the American Institute of Really Big Garages, Mike. Believe it. Guiness Book of World Records said that if they had a category for the most excessive garages in the world, it’d be this one. But forget all that. I’m here to introduce you to Team Kobe. May I introduce to you, Al U. Minium-Ladder.

<--Al U. Minium-Ladder-->

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Next up, it’s Wood Table!

<--Wood Table-->

<--Kobe Gyant-->

And finally….Acoustic Guitar!

<--Acoustic Guitar-->

<--Mike Monroe-->

Odd. I would’ve figured Acoustic Guitar would’ve made a noise?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Nah. It’s an inside guitar. Had to de-string it. So, Dillon, 4 Steelchairs, at October Surprise, I demand Snore Games! It’ll be a regular fall brawl! Or a great american bash, if you will. And Dillon, it’ll be nice to hear you screaming once more time. Beyotch.

<--Mike Monroe-->

What about your fifth member?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

My penis?

<--Mike Monroe-->

No, no. Their team would have five people. You only have four?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Oh, right. Hmm…guess I need to PM the bookerman about that one. Now get outta my house, Mike! I’ve got things to do, women to screw, paternity tests to take, money to make. Hit the concrete.

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THE REMOTE OF DOOM! Part 2

September 19th, 2008
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(THE FOLLOWING IS POSSIBLE DUE TO THE COOPERATION AND CONSENT OF THE OPPOSING HANDLER. THANK YOU!)

The Great

Nick: It’s counting down! It’s loading!

(The fuzzy t.v. screen clears and focuses on an attractive brunette.)

Nick: Who’s that woman, Dad?

“The Great”: Shhhhh. Maybe it’s illegal scat porn.

Nick: What?

“The Great”: Nothing, Nick. The Great just understands from another thread that saying “scat” is good for the Brawler’s on a Budget advertising campaign.

Nick: I don’t get it.

Little Johnny: You probably never will. Now quiet, children. This technology is fascinating to say the least.

Watch Angelina X’s Transmission!

Angelina X: Hello gentlemen. Stupendous Steven Hawking, the most intelligent wrestler in BOB history and the most exciting on four wheels, has interrupted your regular viewing by tapping into your satellite service so I can bring you this message. The Great, this is directed at you. I have an offer for you. An offer you certainly cannot resist.

Little Johnny: Ahh, love is in the air. She’s going to give you a shot of leg, old man.

“The Great”: No way. The Great does not stray. And The Great does not think that’s her agenda.

Little Johnny: Her man is the ultimate Intellectual Vegetable. Nerd-like boring and limp as a biscuit. Of course she’s starved for some Horizontal Mombo.

Nick: Biscuits ain’t vegetables! Dad! Is Johnny talking about sex?

“The Great”: No, son. And The Great is not interested. The Great is married.

Little Johhny: Please, Father. I recently read some where that married men were the worst cheaters.

“The Great”: Touche.

Little Johnny: Pardon? Did you just call me a douche?

“The Great”: Ummm. No. The Great said “two shay”.

Little Johnny: Touché. How difficult was that?

Watch Angelina X’s Transmission!

Angelina X: Are you guys finished? I haven’t got all day.

“The Great”: The Great is sorry. What is the offer? The Great is curious. Nick, go to your room just in case this gets R rated.

Nick: Aw man! I’m telling mom!

Watch Angelina X’s Transmission!

Angelina X: It’s not about sex. Nick can stay.

Nick: Yeah!

Little Johnny: Damn.

“The Great”: Johhny, watch your language. What is this offer you have for The Great? But The Great should warn you, The Great doesn’t take bribes.

Watch Angelina X’s Transmission!

Angelina X: Can you stop that? That third person thing is really annoying. I didn’t like it when The Rock was doing it either, and you’re no Rock.

Little Johnny: Ha! She called him The Rack.

Watch Angelina X’s Transmission!

Angelina X: So my voice translation isn’t perfect. I lied earlier, my voice was lost due to the cockroach skin tag on my shoulder. It was a form of cancer that spread to my larynx. Anyway, let’s get down to business. You can give us something we need, and I can give you something you need. If you can guarantee a victory for Steven Hawking at implosion eleven, by whatever means you desire to lose the match, I’ll cook you the largest Thanksgiving dinner you’ve ever seen. Fit for a king, and it’s not even Thanksgiving yet.

(The camera zooms in on The Great. His eyes are glassy and he’s noticeably salivating.)

Nick: Don’t do it, Dad! You need to win!

Watch Angelina X’s Transmission!

Angelina X: Steven Hawking has published several books and he’s rich. I think he can spare the funds for a new ex box three sixty and halo three as well.

(Nick is now having an euphoric seizure on the floor.)

Little Johnny: This is perposterous. I don’t think—-

Watch Angelina X’s Transmission!

Angelina X: I’m sure Steven can score some plutonium also. He has the contacts to get it done.

(Little Johnny faints, curls up into fetal position and starts sucking his thumb.)

Watch Angelina X’s Transmission!

Angelina X: I’m confident you’ll make the right choice. It was great doing business with you, The Great. See you later, hugs and kisses.

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queer_eye.222

September 18th, 2008
Comments Off on queer_eye.222

Viruz

[We open upon the production area of Sinister Stadium. Inside the arena, a football game is occuring between the Sinister City Scumbuckets and the Middle of Nowhere Nosepickers. But here in the production area, a figure lurks in the shadow… an eeevil figure… with a two-way headset. Yes, an eeevil, technologically minded figure, with a ravishingly handsome figure, and – ]

[Will you stop that?]

[What?]

[You know what you doing.]

[… All your base are belong to us. :p]

[That was a typo. I meant to say, you know what you’re doing… Viruz.]

[Hey, I just thought, seeing as you brought me into the narrative position at Running On Empty, that I’d give it another whirl. Aren’t I l33t?]

[Whatever the fuck THAT means… Just get back to the script! Christ, you’re almost as bad as your brother…]

[Atleast I don’t have a baby carrot dick!]

[Yup, I’m sure it’s about as big as a string bean. ;D]

[Hey! Mine looks like a baby’s arm holding an apple, FYI!]

[Would that be a baby gerbil or a baby rabbit? ;D]

[Grrr!]

[Aww, just get back to the damn production station, I can already tell this thing is gonna go over six pages…]

Viruz: Fine!

Production Crew Member: Hey, who let you in?! This area is for staff only!

Viruz: I… I am a member of the staff!

PCM: … You are?

Viruz: … Yup.

PCM: … Oh. Well, cool then. Alright guys, he’s cool.

[Suddenly, much of the machinery in the station begins to shift around, switching into craps tables, roulette wheels, stripper poles (complete with skanky looking strippers) and a complete bar. The crew members return, with alcohol, cigerettes, drugs, and plenty of snacks.]

Viruz: Wow… THIS is what a production station is like?

PCM: You’re new here, aren’t ya? Yup, this is pretty much it. Boring, ain’t it?

Viruz: … Uh…

PCM: I’d much rather be doing work, but the commotion’s so loud in here that it makes it hard to pay attention to one’s job. I mean, someone could pretty much just slip any sort of video into this video player I’m pointing at, and BINGO! , the big screen in the arena could play something like a porno, or a really crappy Pauly Shore movie, instead of the scores and advertisements it’s set up to show.

Viruz: Huh…

PCM: I mean, if I were to be distracted, and then one of my crew mates were to try and notify me, I probably couldn’t hear ’em. The loud rock music in here would be waaay too… uh… loud. And musical. Know what I mean?

Viruz: I think I follow… Hey, could you look over in that general direction for about two or three minutes, however long it takes me to pop this video in the player while you’re distracted.

PCM: Hm… you wouldn’t try to do anything fishy, would ya?

Viruz: Nahhh, of course not. Maybe.

PCM: Mmkay.

[The production crew member turns his attention to nothing in particular, while Viruz slips in a video. He then speaks into his headset.]

Viruz: Alrighty Axl, the eagle has landed.

Axl

Axl: *on the other end* … What?

Viruz: The cowboy has mosied into town!

Axl: Dammit bro, cut the double talk!

Viruz: Ugh! I put the fuckin’ tape in, capice?!

Axl: Ohhh, ok!

[While Axl and Viruz speak over the headset, the big screen in the stadium begins to cut and fill with static… the scoreboard dissapears, and the video begins to run. A field of lime green numbers and letters is seen…]

Viruz: Are you ready?

Axl: To suck it?

Viruz: … To do what you planned! Goddam, man, seriously, you need to get your eye on the ball…

Axl: Alright, alright. Put the tape in.

Viruz: … I ALREADY DID!!! Crimeny!

PCM: Hey, are you talking to someone on the headset?

Viruz: Uh… no.

PCM: Yeah you were!

Viruz: Uh… I’m ordering a pizza.

PCM: … Oh. Hey, could you order an Italian Sausage for me, I’ll give you ten bucks!

Viruz: … Sure?

PCM: Cool! Here ya go!

[The crew member hands Viruz the ten dollar bill. Vi stares at it… looks off to the side with a “how dumb can this guy be” expression, before pocketing the cash.]

Viruz: Uhm… hey, if you keep looking over there, I’ll let you give me more money.

PCM: Really?! Awesome!

[The crew member returns to staring at nothing nothing in particular.]

Viruz: …

[Back in the stadium, the fans have their attention on the screen, as do both football teams and their captains… as well as the hot dog vendors, the cotton candy vendors, the soda pop vendors… Everyone has their eyes on the screen, which is now dwindling down to but a few letters…]

Axl: Viruz! You’re going to have to press a button to get this platform to rise.

Viruz: Uh… ok. Lemme see here… maybe it’s this one.

Axl: Hey! Not that one! Water just started to pour in down here… that’s weird…

Viruz: How about this one…

Axl: DAMMIT VI! Stop kiddin’ around! Now the walls seem to be closing… that couldn’t be…

Viruz: Here it is!

[Viruz presses the button, and Axl, now surrounded by water, and close to being compacted, begins to rise up. Unfortunately, due to the closing walls, the platform’s jammed.]

Axl: The platform’s jammed!

Viruz: Yeah, I heard the narrator!

Axl: What am I supposed to do?!

Viruz: Uh… swim!

Axl: … Fuck… I don’t know how to swim!

Viruz: … Heheheh…

Axl: THAT’S NOT FUNNY!!!

Viruz: Heh… er, sorry. Ok… Uhm, don’t panic. Uh… I know! There’s this button here that reads “In case of platform area being submerged in water, with the walls closing, the platform being stuck, and you not knowing how to swim, PRESS THIS”. Should I press it?

Axl: Is that EVEN a question?! YES!!!

Viruz: Sheesh! Don’t have a cow man…

Axl: I’m about to die here! I’ll have a cow if I damn well please!

Viruz: Fine…

[Viruz presses the button… and a cow drops into the water… a cow in an inner tube. The cow drifts down the water… Axl reluctantly grabs on, and the cow floats back to the surface. Axl crawls out of the opening.]

Jay Sherman: Hold it, hold IT!

[Huh? Who the hell are you?]

Jay Sherman: I am… the CRITIC!

[… Ok?]

Jay Sherman: And I ask you, kind sir, how on EARTH can a cow float? With an inner tube?! BAH! Bah, I say! And moreso, why would a section of an arena house such a platform facility as that which the main character was standing within? With streaming water, compacting walls, AND the aforementioned floating cow?! PROPOSTEROUS! And furthermore!

[Oh, shut up!]

Jay Sherman: YOU STINK!!!

[Well, I haven’t taken a shower in a millenium, so… Anyway, Axl crawls out of the opening, looking like a drowned rat. Not exactly the grand entrance he’d planned. Nevertheless, he stands, and throws his arms in the air, as the football fans… begin to laugh. Well, he IS soaked, but it couldn’t be THAT funny…]

Sinister City Fan: There’s our mayor!

[Axl smiles smugly to himself.]

Sinister City Fan: Hey MAYOR! How’s it like tah be a QUEER!

[Axl… doesn’t smile so much.]

Middle of Nowhere Fan: Didn’t he use to live in Nowhere? Wasn’t he OUR mayor?!

Another Middle of Nowhere Fan: Yeah, but then he moved HERE! And I’m glad we got rid ah the QUEER!

Axl: … The hell?

[Axl turns around, to look up at the big screen… The lime green wall of digits have come down to ten letters, which spell out “Axl is queer”, with the mayor’s smiling face.]

Axl: FUCK!

Viruz: What is it now?

Axl: VIRUZ!!! Did I NOT tell you to have the words spell out “Axl is here”?!

Viruz: I dunno, I was too busy banging Michelle.

Axl: WHAT?!

Viruz: Er, I mean, yeah, I’m pretty sure you did… why, isn’t that what’s up there?

Axl: NO! And I’m pretty sure you know that! It says Axl is QUEER!

Viruz: BWAHAHAHA, ohhh, sweet dude!

Axl: NO! Not sweet, DEFINITELY not sweet!!! You bastard, you’re THIS close from me disowning you as a brother!

Viruz: … Really?

Axl: … This was SUPPOSED to be my way of showing the world that Luke Warm’s shitty “viral” videos were NOTHING compared to the masterpiece that I’m able to create –

Viruz: Well, actually, you had me do all the work… but whatever.

Axl: – But now?! It’s all ruined, and it’s all thanks to you! You’re making me SO ticked, Viruz!

Viruz: Sorry man, honest, I didn’t mean for that message to show up.

Sinister City Fan: Hey, everybody, let’s throw rotten vegetables at the mayor!

Axl: Ah shit…

[Axl scampers for the exit, as rotten produce begins to rain down upon him. As he runs, he shouts into the headset…]

Axl: VIRUZ! Get out of that damn production station, and head for the VW Beetle of Evil. These bastards are ruining my nice new torn up clothes! I spent good money to buy clothes this grungy! And Vi… you’re going to pay for not only a brand new set of clothes, but you’ll also pay for screwing up my video! When we get home, I’m going to practice for my match with that bald-headed assclown! When you buy my new outfit, remember to buy one of those cheap Luke Warm masks. Like this ;

Luke Warm Mask

Axl: Throw on a black vest, some jean shorts, and a knee brace, and get ready to have a few mud pies stomped into your sorry, melee mouthed, sumbitchin’ ass!

Viruz: …

Axl: … Vi?

[Sorry to burst your bubble, but your brother left for the car a long, looong time ago.]

Axl: … Dammit. Maybe I should starting cutting my speeches by… ten or twenty minutes. Aw well…

[Axl leaves the arena, hops into the car with Vi, and the two speed off into the city. Or “Kingdom”. Or whatever Axl wants to call it next…]

|the|

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