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Speeddating Three – Finale (The House Always Wins)

July 30th, 2008

Kevin the Pyromaniac

[Kevin The Pyromaniac is sat at his computer googling pictures of people with the same kind of disease as the elephant man.]

Kevin: Wow, these people are fucked up.

[Batak, a not quite pretty Vietnamese girl, and Kevin are on their second date. Only Kevin would take a girl to the library and look up pictures of people with horrible disfigurements and try to print them off so she can take them home with her.]

Batak: Kevin, I know you wanted to go out with me because we share the same interests, but I only like the pyromania side of it. You know, the guts it takes, the length of time to mentally prepare, the rush of exhilaration. All you’ve done is try to get me interested in gore and people with horrible difigurements.

Kevin: You… don’t think this is interesting?

Batak: I want to take a slow walk through the park, watch the setting sun, pick flowers just before they close.

Kevin: But…

[Kevin starts to shudder and comes all over in a cold sweat.]

Kevin: That’s just like counting down the seconds of your life.

Batak: But you’d be doing it with a pretty girl, that’s how people fall in love.

Kevin: People can’t fall in love watching violence to people’s eyes?

Batak: Kevin, there isn’t a girl in the entire world that wants to watch eyes being poked out.

Kevin: Then what the fuck is this all for? You’re nothing but spineless, cardboard imagination having morons. Can’t you think outside your precious box for one second? I don’t want to waste my life counting numbers on my wrist.

Batak: Well, you’re not going to get laid then, are you?

[She stands up out of her chair and marches right out of the library. Kevin hangs his head a little.]

Kevin: What a drag.

[He starts typing a new search in google. Female, fast talking gore hounds.]

Google: Search Results 0

Kevin: You boring bitches, you really are another kettle of fish.

[The promo ends with a clip of a woman stabbing a man in the stomach and dancing around with him before fading to black. It must have been on youtube or something, don’t ask me.]

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  1. July 30th, 2008 at 14:48 | #1

    [Pigeon is kneeling beside the garbage dumpster not too far away from the Residence of Evil. Michelle threw out the 8 inch black and white tv and replaced it with a 30 inch color set. Pigeon stares coldly as Kevin bemoans the lack of women with the Pyromaniac’s sense of dementia.]

    Pigeon: Seemingly alone in the world… if only he knew about… her.

    Pigeon: But he doesn’t… yet.

    Pigeon: … And I aim to keep it that way.

    – welcome… to the biodome –

  2. July 30th, 2008 at 16:07 | #2

    Kevin: And I would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for you meddling kids. *pulls off rubber mask*

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