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Assholes

July 28th, 2008

Kevin the Pyromaniac

[The scene opens as Kevin flicks water off the tips of his fingers. He and his mentor, Hobo Ken, are fishing.]

Kevin: Don’t you think trying to catch fish with your bare hands is a little too simplistic?

Hobo Ken: Nah, only assholes use fish hooks.

Kevin: So why aren’t we?

[The two share a wholesome laugh that only two assholes are able to share together. Hobo Ken puts Kevin in a headlock and grinds his knuckle into his skull.]

Hobo Ken: Ok, we’ve done some of the things on the list. We gutted a horse and climbed inside to see what it would feel like.

Kevin: Yeah, there’s a lifetime of fond memories to be had with that.

Hobo Ken: We ran over some prostitutes.

Kevin: They weren’t prostitutes, they were catholic schoolgirls.

Hobo Ken: How could you tell?

Kevin: There were nuns with them!

Hobo Ken: You’re naiive, that’s the kind of get up pimps wear these days. It’s supposed to make them look cool. Well, anyway, we ran over some prostitutes, that’s the main thing.

Kevin: We threw a bucket of baby sick on that church wall.

Hobo Ken: Yes, that was very satisfying. I thought the spray effect was well executed, how it flew in all directions.

Kevin: Yeah, you love throwing vomit at stuff.

Hobo Ken: That’s what’s life is all about! And if I’m the best in the world at it… then I’ve won.

Kevin: You’re still an ugly motherfucker.

Hobo Ken: The fuck do I care?

Kevin: True.

Hobo Ken: We still have to force people to break mirrors and walk under ladders at knife point.

Kevin: I smashed a guy’s head into a car window and watched his body slide down, does that count?

Hobo Ken: How damaged was his head?

Kevin: I wouldn’t say it was CAVED in, but it was fucked up all the same.

Hobo Ken: Ok, we still need to tickle some pre-school kids until milk blows ou of their noses.

Kevin: That’s not mean.

Hobo Ken: … And then punch them!

Kevin: Where did your imagination go Hobo Ken.

Hobo Ken: I washed it down the drain, it’s in heaven now.

Kevin: Or hell.

Hobo Ken: Probably both, you can’t really have one extreme without the other.

Kevin: Well I still have an imagination and I say we should make snowballs out of ashes and throw them at old ladies!

Hobo Ken: And if they fall over, break a hipbone or two, and their purse happens to accidentally get snatched…

Kevin: Then what’s the harm in that?

[The two laugh together like a couple of old buddies.]

Hobo Ken: We are such assholes.

Kevin: You said it Hobo Ken!

[Kevin covers the homeless man in gasoline and sets him on fire, he pushes him over and makes the cover.]

Ref: 1, 2, 3!

Kevin: I’m not a jobber anymore! PYROMANIA!

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