Assholes
[The scene opens as Kevin flicks water off the tips of his fingers. He and his mentor, Hobo Ken, are fishing.]
Kevin: Don’t you think trying to catch fish with your bare hands is a little too simplistic?
Hobo Ken: Nah, only assholes use fish hooks.
Kevin: So why aren’t we?
[The two share a wholesome laugh that only two assholes are able to share together. Hobo Ken puts Kevin in a headlock and grinds his knuckle into his skull.]
Hobo Ken: Ok, we’ve done some of the things on the list. We gutted a horse and climbed inside to see what it would feel like.
Kevin: Yeah, there’s a lifetime of fond memories to be had with that.
Hobo Ken: We ran over some prostitutes.
Kevin: They weren’t prostitutes, they were catholic schoolgirls.
Hobo Ken: How could you tell?
Kevin: There were nuns with them!
Hobo Ken: You’re naiive, that’s the kind of get up pimps wear these days. It’s supposed to make them look cool. Well, anyway, we ran over some prostitutes, that’s the main thing.
Kevin: We threw a bucket of baby sick on that church wall.
Hobo Ken: Yes, that was very satisfying. I thought the spray effect was well executed, how it flew in all directions.
Kevin: Yeah, you love throwing vomit at stuff.
Hobo Ken: That’s what’s life is all about! And if I’m the best in the world at it… then I’ve won.
Kevin: You’re still an ugly motherfucker.
Hobo Ken: The fuck do I care?
Kevin: True.
Hobo Ken: We still have to force people to break mirrors and walk under ladders at knife point.
Kevin: I smashed a guy’s head into a car window and watched his body slide down, does that count?
Hobo Ken: How damaged was his head?
Kevin: I wouldn’t say it was CAVED in, but it was fucked up all the same.
Hobo Ken: Ok, we still need to tickle some pre-school kids until milk blows ou of their noses.
Kevin: That’s not mean.
Hobo Ken: … And then punch them!
Kevin: Where did your imagination go Hobo Ken.
Hobo Ken: I washed it down the drain, it’s in heaven now.
Kevin: Or hell.
Hobo Ken: Probably both, you can’t really have one extreme without the other.
Kevin: Well I still have an imagination and I say we should make snowballs out of ashes and throw them at old ladies!
Hobo Ken: And if they fall over, break a hipbone or two, and their purse happens to accidentally get snatched…
Kevin: Then what’s the harm in that?
[The two laugh together like a couple of old buddies.]
Hobo Ken: We are such assholes.
Kevin: You said it Hobo Ken!
[Kevin covers the homeless man in gasoline and sets him on fire, he pushes him over and makes the cover.]
Ref: 1, 2, 3!
Kevin: I’m not a jobber anymore! PYROMANIA!