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July 27th, 2008

Kevin the Pyromaniac

[Kevin the Pyromaniac is on a date with a Vietnamese girl he found on google. She shares his interest in fire, but the sideshow he has brought her to is not quite her cup of tea.]

Kevin: Wow, so that’s what horse puke feels like.

[Kevin has his hands in a bowl of slime.]

Batak: Can we go? This is gross.

Kevin: Do you know how much blood and sweat it took to get tickets to this thing? It’s not every day you get fucked up stuff like this.

[The Vietnamese girl has a look on her face like she is pissed off down to the bone marrow.]

Kevin: Look at this, the skeleton of the world’s thinnest man… Jesus, someone should have just given this guy a ham sandwich.

Batak: Do you bring all your dates to places where they have pickled elephant fetuses in jars?

Kevin: Most of them can’t stomach the shit in these shows, they’d just run out screaming like a headless chicken.

[She taps her heel like she is about to do the same.]

Kevin: Look at this! The remnants of the exploded brain of the world record holder for most amount of salt water drank.

Batak: I’m supposed to do a spit take? That’s just shrivled up beef jerky.

Kevin: He had beef jerky for brains? That’s just stupid.

Batak: Can we just hurry and look at the rest of these things so we can leave?

Kevin: One second, I gotta go piss like a racehorse.

[As Kevin scurries away to the men’s room, the Vietnamese girl starts looking at some of the displays. There are rubber representations of the biggest snakes in the world, pickled intestines, photos of whitewash fences covered in dust and enough moths stuck to the wall with pins to feed a family for a week.]

Kevin: I’m back, shit, you ought to have seen some of the stuff they have in that bathroom.

Batak: Kevin, if you grew up a bit, you should work at a place like this.

Kevin: I work for Brawlers on a Budget and that’s never going to change, it’s not quite as good as being a pornstar but it’s the next best thing. I can’t drop everything just to work here, I’ve still got my autobiography to write.

Batak: Let’s just get out of here, you might have a sick mind, but I don’t.

[She pulls him by the arm, he opens and closes the fingers on his free hand to try and grab onto something.]

Kevin: But it was real, I’d finally made it here.

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