Why can’t we live together?
[We open to a man with a thumbs up sign in front of his chest.]
Timmy: How many whips do you have there?
Jerri: Enough to make you bleed.
[Jerri clasps her hand around the side of the door behind her and slams it shut.]
Jerri: I’m going to open new realms of pains until your ears bleed.
Timmy: Wait a second Jerri, why don’t we just go to the shopping mall or something. We can get stuck in those revolving doors, remember how much you loved the fact that they reminded you of a blender?
[Jerri turns on a radio, 'Messin' Around With The Blues' by Fats Waller plays.]
Timmy: Let’s just be in love and do the twist together, when did our relationship become a competition of imaginative violence?
Jerri: When you stopped jamming buzzsaws between my teeth, your heart pumps nothing but ketchup.
[Timmy runs up and grabs Jerri by the sides of her head.]
Timmy: But I love you Jerri! I had such a huge crush on you and didn’t ever think I’d be able to pull off a date with you… never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I’d be feeding you grapes. Granted they were grapes covered in snake venom, which I didn’t get, but I still have a blinding love for you that nobody can take away.
Jerri: What is it with you guys? You think because your hot you can be with me without even giving me an ounce of respect? You know what, fuck penis size because I don’t get off on that… but you are seriously lacking in the ways I need a man to be. I doubt ANY of you can even match up.
Timmy: I can give you hell Jerri! Any kind of violent displays, come backs, any kind of weird shit I can carve out for you. I can grind for you just like that Patrick guy. You’re goregous!
[Jerri puts her hand on his face and pushes him away.]
Jerri: You’ll jab me full of heroin next so I can’t feel anything, get some god damn imagination! Dancing around in your number 36 shirt eating cherries you found on the floor, you’re like some chihuahua I picked off the street.
[Jerri boots him in the ass out of the front door and slams it behind him. She then takes a corkscrew and sticks it up her nose.]
Jerri: If I could just find a guy who could surprise me, that would be enough.
[Having vanished and being banished from the Residence of Evil, Pigeon roams the streets of Sinister City... now a mere mortal bum in a black kilt. Pigeon walks by a display window at a local shop... where a TV shows Jerri's promo. A feint smile plays at Pigeon's lips... as a tear wells up in his eye.]
Pigeon: Now THERE’S a woman…
[The promo finishes, and Pigeon takes off into the night...]
- coo -