Home > rant > Hail to the Kings.

Hail to the Kings.

July 20th, 2008


[The scene: The Residence of Evil. The time: 10 o’clock PM, July 19th, 2008. Pigeon and Roydz have just entered through the front door, wearing the Sinister City jerseys they wore to the game. The game they lost. The game Axl bet on… and is now more than pissed off about. As Pigeon and Steve make their way toward the living room couch with solemn expressions, Axl leaps from the couch and clutches Pigeon by his t-shirt collar, pinning him to the wall, as Steve shakes in his tennis shoes.]



Pigeon: Dude, seriously, try mouthwash.

Axl: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?! ARE YOU MOCKNG ME?! Do you understand that I brought you up from being a jobber to a… well, not exactly a main eventer… or even really a mid-carder… BUT ATLEAST YOU’RE NOT MICHELLE’S BITCH!!!

Pigeon: Yeah, now YOU get that privilege!!!

Axl: WHAT?! I am NOT Michelle’s, nor anyone ELSE’S, bitch! When I dropped Rose like a bad habit, I broke off onto my own! Michelle and I are equals! 50/50!!! Isn’t that right, honey!


Michelle: You mean 20/80, sweetie. You’re forgetting I’M the one with the real power around here.

Axl: … 40/60?

Michelle: 20/80.

Axl: … 30/70?

Michelle: 20/80.

Axl: 25/75, FINAL offer.

Michelle: 20/80.

Axl: [turns back to Pigeon] So, as I was saying, me and Michelle are 20/80 partners. EQUALS!!! … More or less.

Michelle: I’m more, you’re less…

Axl: But you, Pigeon? Or anyone ELSE that isn’t named Michelle, Viruz, Kurt or Garth? Well, the Truth is, noone else is on the same level as the Hierarchy. That’s why we’re CALLED the Hierarchy. Because in this business, there’s a certain order one must follow. There’s the jobbers… there’s the mid-carders… there’s the main-eventers… and then? Then, there’s the people like me and Michelle, that look down on eeeeveryone else, and LAUGH, because while they toil… while they pick fights with eachother and scrape and claw and bruise just to reach the heights of mediocrity, WE’RE on an entirely different plane of existence. We’re the shit.

Axl: Everyone else? They’re just… plain… SHIT.

Pigeon: Your breath SMELLS like shit…

Axl: PIGEON! That’s the last word I’ll hear out of you! Quoth Axl… Nothing more! While the OLD Axl just stood by and let people talk down to him, the NEW Axl will be DAMNED if some no-talent, piss-ant, waste of flesh spouts off at the mouth when what he SHOULD be doing is praising me… WORSHIPPING the ground I walk on!

Pigeon: The hell are you goin’ on about?

Axl: Oh? You think I haven’t been watching the replays on G5? Pigeon, you’re PATHETIC. And not to mention rather stupid.

Pigeon: Hey, just because I live in a small cage attached to the basement ceiling doesn’t mean I’m STUPID! I have to avoid the cats SOMEHOW!!!

Axl: … As I was saying, I have concrete evidence that proves you haven’t been calling Hierarchy matches the APPROVED Hierarchy method! I’ve put together an audio recording of your commentary at UnFOURgiven. Michelle, could you load the tape and press play, please?

[Michelle pulls out a cassette tape, and places it in a stereo, before hitting the ‘play’ button.]

Pigeon: hello gentlemen. it’s your honor to have me, i’m sure.

Styles: Pigeon?

Pigeon: that’s right, mikey styles. the boss is here.

SW: Who, Seth Harker?

Pigeon: no. me! pigeon! you know the deal. since trey vincent wouldn’t allow wes rivers or that other guy out here to do commentary, i’m out here to give heel support to the Hierarchy.

Pigeon: So… what’s the problem?

Axl: It’s just started, fucktard! And besides, referring to yourself as the BOSS?! You’ve ALREADY crossed the line of no return!

SW: Hey, Pigeon, how do you feel about this whole Axl-Michelle thing?

Pigeon: how do i feel about michelle being with Axl? it feels like i just puked my guts out, then somebody sucked up the vomit up into a bag, shoved a tube up my ass, gave me a vomit enema, then hung my legs over my head bugs bunny style until I shot diarrhea vomit straight up in a bloody brown stream that rained down all over my face. that’s how it felt, smegma.

SW: Yeah. That’s how I feel whenever I have to sit through an Axl promo.

[The crowd boos as “Under the Knife” by AC/DC hits. Though I have no idea how this is possible, or has been possible for the last few years, as there seems to be no record of this song existing.]

Styles: And this one’s already under way before Thrilla can even get his introduction. Ken and Mano jumped Harker and are pounding him on the outside.

SW: Yeah. They’re pounding him like the way no doubt Axl is pounding Michelle every night. No disrespect, Pigeon.

Pigeon: she must have an oversized clit. because we all know an oversized clit is one step away from a guy with an undersized chode. so sayeth randall mooby. whatever happened to him?

SW: He got fired.

Pigeon: What, you’re saying she DOESN’T have an oversized clit?

Axl: Well…

Michelle: AXL!!!

Styles: Mano trying to sneak up the other side, but Thrilla jerks him off!

SW: BWAHAHAHA! And I thought Axl was the fag in this match.

Pigeon: scotty, let me borrow a vicodin. you’re obviously feeling no pain tonight.

SW: only if you let me bang whatever rat you take to your room tonight.

Pigeon: no.

SW: Can I at least watch?

Pigeon: *sigh* fine. but keep your pants on this time.

SW: No promises!

Pigeon: Now what’s the problem?

Axl: You disgust me!

Pigeon: Hey, what’s the matter with putting on a little show?

Axl: Not THAT. The fact that you have sex with RATS!

Pigeon: … And you call ME stupid?

SW: Yeah! I hope Roydz is crippled now! I’m pretty sure I could take him in a wheelchair race.

Pigeon: i highly doubt it, scotty. ken couldn’t get the full impact because he’s such a tiny little man and Roydz is a monster. physically, of course, not in the genitalia region. and i swear my wording wasn’t yet another excuse to mention that i have a giant horsecock. even though i do.

Styles: All right, that’s enough of that, Pigeon.

Axl: You weren’t out there to talk about your package! You were OUT there to shill ME. And besides, speaking of me, EVERYONE knows I’m the one with the biggest junk in the Hierarchy!

Michelle: I dunno, I’ve seen Viruz in the shower…

Axl: … You were in the men’s lockeroom shower? … Why?

Michelle: No, not the lockeroom shower. The shower here at the Residence. … I was, uhm… I walked in to use the bathroom, and… He had the curtain open.

Axl: …

Pigeon: Heheh, sure. Looks like your bro’s sharing more than a gene pool with ya, Axl.


Pigeon: if I wasn’t injured I’d beat my back pay out of him right now. Vicodin me.

SW: These don’t grow on trees, Pigeon. Though I sure wish they did!

Pigeon: i know a corrupt doctor with prescription slips. i’ll hook you up later.

SW: Sweet!

Pigeon: Now come on, you can’t POSSIBLY have a problem with THAT!

Axl: I just can’t stand a supposedly “loyal” member of this family chatting away with the ENEMY!

Pigeon: You mean Scotty? Wait… you’re STILL pissed off at him for making fun of you? Isn’t that a bit childish? Wasn’t putting him in a wheelchair enough?

Axl: He still hasn’t learned his lesson! He must suffer for his indiscretions! The travesty that is his commentary career shall be paid in full with the shedding of his blood!

Pigeon: Jesus, when you hold a grudge, you don’t mess around…

[In fast-mo, Harker does the whirly-bird, cracking the ladder into everyone’s head (in order: Ken, Roydz, Mano, Thrilla, then finally Axl). After nailing everyone, Harker collapses to his knees in slow-motion, lifts the ladder off himself, and throws it to the mat before collapsing on it, exhausted! Back to regular speed.]


Pigeon: now that was cool…

Pigeon: … Seriously, what was wrong with that?

Axl: How DARE you praise the work of those outside the Hierarchy! Especially when called upon to praise ME! ME, ME, ME! Do you not understand me when I say ME!?!

Pigeon: I understand you need a tic-tac…

Axl: ARGH!

Pigeon: say, scotty. Would you rather fuck anorexic looking angelina jolie or pregnant angelina jolie?

SW: Doesn’t matter to me, as long as I would be fucking Angelina Jolie. Then I could rub that fact in my arch-nemesis’s face, yes, I mean Brad Pitt, for the rest of his pathetic life. Hell, I could give her quadruplets, Brad. Your sperm are fags!

Pigeon: i actually prefer pregnant angelina. but hell, my dick’s so long, i’d probably get arrested for having sex with a fetus. wait, is that a crime? or do they have to be popped out of the womb before it’s illegal?

Styles: All right, Pigeon!

SW: Bwahaha! You are insane, Pigeon. You should really leave the Hierarchy and become the third commentator on iMPLOSION and these On-Demands!

Pigeon: if they pay me, i’ll do whatever management wants, i’m a money whore i admit it. but they only paid me enough to do this one match. so that’s all you get tonight. speaking of whoring and george carlin, he did make one great point. if fucking is legal and selling is legal, why is selling fucking illegal?

SW: I don’t know, Pigeon. I just don’t know.

Axl: And how DARE you even CONTEMPLATE becoming a commentator!

Pigeon: … But… I wasn’t? I just said I’ll do anything for money… And I also promoted the legalization of prostitution. I think.


Pigeon: … Huh?

Styles: Ken just went straight into the turnbuckle as the ladder fell over.

SW: Must. Not. Do. Owen. Joke…

Pigeon: you’re terrible, scotty. i like it.

Styles: Thrilla just charged at Roydz, but Thrilla got backdropped to the floor! Mano now setting up a large ladder. Oh, what is he doing?

SW: I think Mano’s confused. This isn’t his construction job. You’re supposed to climb the ladder, not build an extension off of it.

Styles: That second ladder is now horizontal to the mat, as you can plainly see fans. I don’t know what Mano has in mind, but I’m sure somebody’s going to get hurt by this. Axl’s back up now. Axl and Mano are brawling on top of that horizontal ladder. Oh no! They both lost their balance and both just got crotched!

Pigeon: hehehehe. *Ahem*

SW: Did you just laugh?

Pigeon: of course not! why would i ever laugh at somebody who’s banging my ex-girlfriend when he just got dropped on his testicles?

Styles: Enter: Harker. Oh no. Axl is now laid out on top of Mano.

SW: Two man sandwiches in one match? Axl’s gotta be loving this match!

Pigeon: by that logic, he’s gonna love it more when he gets sandwiched by Harker and Mano in a minute.

Axl: And now, worst of all, you’re LAUGHING AT ME?! [shoves Pigeon hard into the wall, bringing his face to that of Pigeon’s] YOU BASTARD!

Pigeon: I… I… I… th-th-think… you should try some Colgate.


Pigeon: are we even going to have any other matches tonight?

Styles: I’d assume so.

Axl: And WHAT would be so wrong with my spectacular prescence being felt throughout the night? Just imagine… three full hours of Total Non-Stop Axl!!!

Pigeon: Yeahhh… that may very well be the most boring idea I’ve ever heard.

Michelle: No… I’d say that award goes to the time I agreed to listen to you recite every poem out of ‘The Big BoB Book of Poetry’. XXXTreme’s prose was especially awefultastic…

Styles: Thrilla’s trying to climb that ladder that’s all bent to hell. Axl’s up and shoves Thrilla off onto the top rope throat first. Thrilla with a desperation move sends Axl to the floor. Now Thrilla and Axl brawling out here near us!

SW: I’m so glad Michelle didn’t stick around to see this.

Pigeon: i’m sure she’s happily occupied with one of the boys in the back on her knees in a bathroom stall to kill the time.

Michelle: Oh, I think this fucker should be tossed out for that alone!

Pigeon: Don’t worry, if something needs tossing, just call Axl. I hear he’s especially good with salad…


KF: Ladies and gentlemen, here is the winner of the Beer in the Belly Ladder Match, which guarantees him a shot at the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS at some point during the next 365 days, Axl!

SW: He shouldn’t have even been in this match! He’s already been the OWCTM!

Pigeon: you can thank michelle for that, among other things.


SW: Yes! Thrilla is my new hero!

Styles: Thrilla just KO’ed Axl with a chairshot! Axl wasn’t ready for that! Thrilla’s got the beer? Thrilla’s stealing the beer!

SW: Yes! Brilliant!

Pigeon: i’d so stop him if my leg and head weren’t in such pain. damn you thrilla!

Styles: What a wild start to UnFOURgiven fans! Axl is your winner, but Thrilla’s leaving with the beer. What does it all mean?

SW: Probably a match at the next BOB-On-Demand?

[Michelle stops the tape, and Axl’s face meets with that of Pigeon… his eyes glowing brighter and hotter than the very center of the Earth itself. Axl breathes heavily, and speaks…]

Axl: Pigeon… I trusted you… and I trusted this muscled-up goon Steve, I trusted the BOTH of you to protect the Beer in the Belly Six-Pack for ME. Pigeon, you used an “injury” as an excuse not to get off your lazy, worthless ass. An injury that we both know was just a ruse to shock the fans when they later saw you come out and interfere in the ‘Enter the Vortex’ match.

Pigeon: I still can’t quite figure out the POINT of that ruse…


Pigeon: …

Axl: You still refused to assist in bringing the six-pack back home… where it belongs. [Axl turns to Steve, still grabbing Pigeon by the collar…] And YOU. You were IN THE DAMN MATCH, you lunk headed oaf!!! You could have easily destroyed that beartrap-mouthed beatnik and grabbed the six-pack! But you wanna know why you didn’t? It’s because earlier in the match, you tried to grab the six-pack for YOURSELF! You both made THE single most grievous error that a member of the Hierarchy can make. [Axl turns back to Pigeon] … you put yourself before the King. While Steve went into business for himself in the ladder match, you Pigeon? You worried more about a supposed “injury” to your own fragile little frame than the ultimate good… the salvation of the gold.

Axl: As you know, there are two open slots at ‘Power is Stolen‘, for two members of the Hierarchy to take on Great and Trable for the tag title #1 contendership. Now… before all of this occured, I would have been kind. I would have been generous. When the two of you were in my good graces, you would have been handed over the opportunity on a silver platter. But now?

[Axl suddenly tosses Pigeon from the wall, through the air, and colliding into Steve, as the two topple to the floor. Axl then reaches off camera and pulls on a lever… which releases a trap door beneath the heap of Pigeon and Roydz. The two of them plummet… and plummet… and continue to plummet, until a loud *thud* is heard…]

Axl: Now? You’re going to have… “prove your worth”, so to speak.

Michelle: Huh… Never noticed that trap door till now… or that lever…

Stereo: Plot Hole #903,934 of One Million found!

Axl: Thought you turned that thing off?

Michelle: *shrugs shoulders*

Axl: [Axl turns to the pit… hmm, this appears familiar…] Boys… you’ve just entered your very first ‘Inescapable Pit of No Escape Match’! Win? And you get to face Great and Trable! Lose? … Well, I don’t think you wanna know…

Steve: GRRR!!! This makes me so mad, I could just… I could just… GRRR!!!

Pigeon: …

Axl: Allow me to introduce you to your opponent…

Garth Maul

Steve Roydz

Steve: … Shit. … GRRR!!!

[Garth Maul quickly uses one end of his double-edged lightsaber to slice Steve’s head off, before sticking the other end through his chest and sending his body soaring… and landing in a heap of dead sWo members…]

Garth Maul: Well, it’s a living.

Axl: Wait a minute… [looking down at the pit] … I see Roydz parts, but no Pigeon parts? [looks to Michelle] What gives?

Michelle: Hmm… it must be a case of JBL-Cena-Parking-Lot-itus.

Axl: … Whoozit-Huzzit-Whatzit?

Michelle: See, whenever someone meets with what appears to be CERTAIN-DOOM~!!!1tm, they… well, they vanish. And then later, they reappear without a scratch. Usually, just in time for a big pay-per-view Parking Lot Brawl match.

Axl: Wow… Imagine that. … I’m hungry.

Michelle: I’ll go pick up a couple of burgers at Lardd Hutt. Whaddya want on yours?

Axl: Mmm… How about mayonaise, sardines, gummi bears, and ragu?

Michelle: … How about ketchup?

Axl: That’ll work too. Hey, I’m gonna go speak with Viruz. I have something I need to ask him.

Michelle: Cool. See you in a bit, hun.

Axl: Bye bye, sweetie.

[Axl and Michelle share a sloppy kiss… Axl slaps Michelle on the ass as she walks off. Michelle turns and winks, as Axl smiles devilishly. Axl walks toward the door of Vi’s room… he knocks.]

Vi: [from inside] Come on in…

[Axl opens the door slightly, and looks in…]

Axl: Hey bro… I’ve got an idea, and I think you’re gonna like it.

[Axl steps inside, and shuts the door behind… as “Twisted Transistor” plays into blackness.]




C:// _

C:// Enter … FireScape Explorer.

C:// Enter … Hierarchy MailBox…

C:// Compose.

Dear Kurt,

I’d just like to welcome you to the Hierarchy. With the deadweight now cut loose, we have a group consisting of the absolute greatest talent in the business. But not JUST a group, or a stable, or a faction…

But a family.

Axl is like the brave, noble, strong-willed, and determined father.
Michelle… the courageous, loving, nurturing, and altogether wholesome mother.
Garth is like the wise grandfather, who we can always lean on…

And I am like… Well, like the family pet. Or maybe a cousin or something. Even though I’m Axl’s brother. But that’s neither here nor there…

I just can’t tell you how much I appreciate your entrance into this family. You’re without a shadow of a doubt BoB’s greatest icon, and to have your support… well, no mere words can describe the emotions running through Axl and I when we knew YOU were on OUR side. With you backing us, noone will manage to stand in our way.

But, seeing as words cannot do our gratitude justice, we’ve decided to invite you over for dinner at the Residence of Evil, here in Sinister City. You see, Axl and I have come to an agreement concerning who should challenge Great and Trable at PiS… and we want you to be here to discuss matters concerning the On-Demand.

We look forward to your prescence here…

– Vi

p.s. – Have you ever considered changing your look? Because I’ve drawn something of a possibility for you… When you arrive, I’d like your opinion… You may be interested…

rant , , , , , , , , ,

Comments are closed.