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The Animal Kingdom

July 19th, 2008

Kevin the Pyromaniac

[Kevin The Pyromaniac is sat on a the bottom step of a set of white painted stairs. The blistering sun shines rainbows through his eyelashes. He puts on a pair of black sunglasses, being careful not to jam the earpieces into his eyes.]

Kevin: I need an ice cream.

[He stands up and walks along a set of low concrete walls with his arms out for balance. We cut to a side view to see all the graffiti along the wall as Kevin walks over them. He spies an ice cream truck about a block away and picks up speed, jumping off the wall and landing on his feet. He runs as fast as his little legs will carry him, but the truck drives away before he can reach it. He collapses, exhausted, and stretches his arms out behind him. A shadow suddenly appears over him and a voice speaks.]

Voice: Sloppy work Kevin.

[Kevin opens his eyes to see a scruffy homeless guy with a brown and gray beard and greasy hair down to his shoulders. He is eating a packet of fries that he found in a trashcan.]

Kevin: How do you know my name?

Homeless Guy: I’ve seen you on that Brawlers on the Budget show. You’re pretty cool with all that fire, incoherent rambling and glue sniffing. But you suck as a wrestler, look how out of shape you are.

[The homeless guy lifts up Kevin’s shirt to reveal ribs jutting out.]

Homeless Guy: You’re thinner than me, and I have to live on garbage.

Kevin: Hey, don’t criticize me! Besides, BOB doesn’t even have a training program. They expect you to pay for that shit yourself.

Homeless Guy: And they pay you, what, peanuts?

Kevin: Good grief, peanuts would be a luxury. I was drunk when I signed my contract and didn’t notice the salary was in expired coupons. They wont let me change it because I’m only a B-performer.

[The homeless guy rolls up his sleeves.]

Homeless Guy: Come on, put up your dukes. Let’s see what you’re made of.

[Kevin smiles and hauls himself off the concrete. He takes a step back, avoiding an open manhole, and spits on his hands. He rubs them together and jabs at the air.]

Kevin: Alright.

[Kevin hits a body shot in the homeless guys stomach and receives a right hook to the side of his chin.]

Kevin: You asshole.

Homeless Guy: Hey, I used to be the champion of underground goat fighting so I know how to throw a punch.

[The homeless guy throws a hook to the other side of Kevin’s jaw and knocks one of his teeth loose.]

Kevin: Ow.

Homeless Guy: See? I may be a bum, but I can easily rock your till. You need training.

Kevin: By a hobo?!

Homeless Guy: I’ve watched that Trey Vincent work for years, and when he books you in an Axe fight against a 500 lbs gorilla you’ll wish you knew what to do.

[The homeless guy walks back into an alleyway, motioning for Kevin to follow.]

Homeless Guy: You need training.

Kevin: You’re not a pedophile or anything are you?

Homeless Guy: Just get over here.

[The homeless guy pulls Kevin through the alley and into a small open space behind the drug store. There are cardboard boxes and broken bottles everywhere.]

Homeless Guy: It’s too soon for you to be fighting goats, or even raccoons, but I will give you your first lesson today.

[The homeless guy lines up empty glass bottles on top of a cardboard box.]

Homeless Guy: I want you to cut these in half with the edge of your hand.

Kevin: I ain’t doing that.

[The homeless guy grabs Kevin by the shoulders and shakes him violently.]

Homeless Guy: You have to! This is the first step in learning how to break people’s bones.

[The homeless guy snaps his hand out as quick as lightning and severs the bottle in two.]

Kevin: Piece of cake.

[Kevin slices his hand as he tries to chop the bottle, shattering it into a million pieces.]

Homeless Guy: It takes pinpoint precision.

[The homeless guy demonstrates again.]

Homeless Guy: See your hand going through the bottle before you do it.

[Kevin closes his eyes and chops through the air, slicing the bottle almost as well as the homeless guy.]

Homeless Guy: Good, you’ve passed the first lesson. You’ll make your fans do cartwheels when you beat Trey Vincent at Power Is Stolen. But you have a long way to go… and a lot of broke glass to pick up.

[The homeless guy points at the floor at the shattered bottles, ordering his pupil to pick up every last piece.]

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