I’m Sorry, Too!!
Mike “The Monotone” Monroe was seated beside BOB’s newest (and highest paid!) mega-star, Kobe Gyant, in a dark studio. This must be a super special “shoot” interview! Let’s see!
Mike, like somebody else, I asked John FIVE times to apologize to some of the BOB roster for me, you know…but he let me know that he was a real person, and I’m not, and thus, an apology wouldn’t make much sense. Then he said that he was like God, since he creates people in his image, or something. Between you and me, I think he’s a lot insane. I didn’t get it. despite my 5.0 GPA average, you know…
5.0?
So, this is an apology to the Great, Pete Trable, and, uh…the Wendy’s guy, Dave.
Dave?
Yeah, Dave Thomas. You see, when I was younger, one of my 50 jobs was working at a Wendy’s. And I used to use the deep fryer as a urinal, because they never fixed the urinal. But I had to support my parents, who both were on dialysis and cancer kazoos. My urine is flavorful though, you know…
Anyway, The Great, I’m sorry that one day, the world is going to find out who you really are. A fake. You think you’re great? Son, I’m so great that I’m an honorary member of the Grateful Dead. I won an award for the Greatest Great Guy. In my high school yearbook, I was voted Most Likely To Be Great. Which means there can’t be TWO greats. So we’ll have to change your name to The Second Greatest. And when it comes to not being great when compared to Kobe Gyant, you’re just the latest, you know…I really hope you can forgive me some day for overshadowing you, like Big Blaq Shaq in high school. He asked to be traded to a different high school, he was so pissed at being Second Greatest.
As for you, Trable. I hope you’ll be upset with the way mistreat you. Wigga, please. I make Pete Trable look bad just by existing. Of course, I make about 6 billion losers on this planet look bad, Trable, you’re just the latest, after the Second Greatest. I know you own about 20 throwback Kobe jerseys. Thanks for the money, dogg, I need to feed my chillens.
Now, as far as UnFOURgiven goes, I need to apologize to all the fans that I arrived too late to save the show from mediocrity. But at Power Is Stolen, Kobe will deliver championship gold for all his BOB fans.
Oh, and an apology in advance to Stephen Hawking. Once BOB books the dream match of the year, it’s gonna be real simple, Hawking. What has four wheels and flies? A dead cripple in a wheelchair. You’re gonna be that corpse.
Kobe begins snacking on a green tree leaf for some reason.
I’ve been e-fedding for 18 years, son. I was out-RPing people since I was in the womb. I came out of my mom, grabbed the keyboard and mouse off her desk, then went back inside. There’s an old Apple keyboard on my sonogram, you know…
Kobe holds up the sonogram to the camera. Mike stares at it in disbelief.
I won’t soon be retiring, though, BOB fans, don’t worry. I doubt I’ll end my career here, though, ’cause BOB can only afford Kobe for so long before he needs a GYANT raise. And when I leave, y’all will hate me. I’m here to make enemies and ruin your lives as you realize you can’t beat Kobe Gyant.
Damn, this leaf is tasty. Give me another new one, Mike.
Mike does. Off-screen, there is a roar. The camera pans to the right to reveal a grizzly bear! Kobe grabs his steel folding chair and charges at the bear! BEAR-SHOT! Grizzly goes down.
Just another day in the life, you know. Bears are a national menace, you know. Colbert says so. Don’t interrupt my new leaf eating, Yogi! Anyway, sorry everyone in BOB for being the biggest, the best, and better than the rest. You’ve got a future of losing matches though as long as I’m here. You play checkers, I play chess, checkers, spades, poker, and Twister at the same time, and still beat everyone.
Hyphen Kobe!
Hyphen Kobe?
It’s a parody, Mike, you know…