BOB eWrestling | Rant Zone Archive!

Let there be….KOBE! Yes, just as God a few billion years let there be light, the future of this business arrived for this Rant. Some odd looking guy was standing next to him. Kobe towered over him. All 7 feet and 3 inches. And what could be scarier for a white dude than a really tall black guy who can kick your butt? Maybe just the “freestyling” ability of one Blackman White…

<--Kobe Gyant-->

So, using my superior intellect, I assume that you are The BOB’s interviewer.

<--Mike Monroe-->

Hi! I’m MIke Monroe! BOB’s “interviewing guy.” Thanks for inviting me to interview you. I really need the cash.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

You need cash? I have 20,000 babies to support. And probably about 20 more on the way.

<--Mike Monroe-->

So, what’s up with the grill, Kobe?

The camera pans back to reveal that Kobe Gyant is cooking what looks like chicken on a small grill.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Mike, I’ve got mad grills. And grill rhymes with skill. And I’m hoping to pay the bills. Trying not to get ill. ‘Cause I can’t get no pills. No health care thanks to Hill. You know that old chick married to Bill? My dad used to work in a mill. Til he caused a spill and we went on the run to Brazil until our dream was fulfilled. Think I tell my tale to Dr. Phil?

<--Mike Monroe-->

Maybe?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Dr. Phil would get record ratings. 300 million viewers, son. All to see Kobe!

<--Kobe Gyant's former teammates-->

What? Uh! What? Uh!

<--Mike Monroe-->

So what’s on the menu? Chicken?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Right. With a side of watermelon. Where’s your white sheet, Mike? Mike Monotone Monroe? MMM? That’s just two letters away from KKK.

<--Mike Monroe-->

No, no, no! I didn’t mean–

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Swoosh! That means I’m just playing, Mike. Actually, it’s cat.

<--Mike Monroe-->

Cat?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

That white man said he loved cats. I just want to see what all the fuss is about. Though, apparently, it causes farts. Mike, my farts are loud and deadly. I once killed a nun with my gas. From my ass during a biology class. Fell through some glass and landed face down in the grass. Spoke at the Mass, you know…

<--Kobe Gyant's former teammates-->

What? Uh! What? Uh!

<--Mike Monroe-->

What’s their deal?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Former DMX backup singers. So, I heard I’m facing Blackman White at The BOB’s next show. Ask me if I think I’m going to win.

<--Mike Monroe-->

Do you think you’re going to win?

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Just like Magic Johnson, I’m HIV Positive I’m going to win!

Mike stares at Kobe in disbelief at what he just heard.

<--Kobe Gyant-->

Listen to that cat sizzle. I think it just needs a whisker of black pepper. White, you think you can brawl on a budget? Shoot, I can outbrawl you for free and give you change back! And I would if I didn’t need the money so bad. And I eat a fudge bucket, too. For breakfast every day. A metal bucket filled with fudge. I bet you just eat the fudge inside. I eat metal and crap steel beams which I then sell to local construction companies, you know…

And Tyler the freestyler? You think he hates you? He once burned a cross, a fish, a star of David, a menorah, and a pentagram on my lawn, you know….End of Rant. OK, Mike, I’m used to basketball. So tell me how this was.

<--Mike Monroe-->

It didn’t suck donkey balls…

Kobe Gyant rant Blackman White, e-fed, e-wrestling, Kobe Gyant, parody, wrestling