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Doctors and Nurses

July 9th, 2008

Kevin the Pyromaniac

[Kevin, covered from head to toe in bandages, smiles as his backyard ragtag army walks into his hospital room carrying a portable cooker.]

Benny: You wont be eating hospital food anymore.

[They plug the appliance into the wall and start heating up some oil. They take a box of eggs out of a rustling plastic bag and break them into sizzling liquid, the sound and smell soon fill the room.]

Ned: Here, we got you some supplies also.

[They scatter an assortment of items over Kevin’s bed; alcohol, lighter fluid, glue, smelling salts and even a few bottles swiped from a cupboard somewhere in the hospital.]

Patsie: Everything on the list.

Kevin: This food and stuff to stick up my nose is cool, but where’s Debbie, Tina and Crissy?

Benny: They couldn’t make it, said they had a skateboarding or rollerblading tournament to go to or something. To be honest I think it was a twisting contest and they were ashamed to tell you the truth.

[Kevin cracks his knuckles over his chest.]

Kevin: Whatever makes em happy, I’m just glad I don’t have to play jenga with anorexia patients anymore.

[Ned lifts the eggs out of the frying pan and drops them onto a paper towel. He opens up a loaf of bread and makes a sandwich for Kevin with ketchup and mustard. Kevin munches it down as fast as he can.]

Kevin: That hits the spot.

Patsie: Do they have you doing any exercise yet, ya know, crunches and what not.

Kevin: I can’t, that slimy bastard Trey Vincent fucked me up royally. Even my pinky toe hurts.

Ned: Guys like that are translucent, you just need to dust yourself off and a fight someone weaker than you.

Kevin: I can’t! Do you have any idea how much Trey has humiliated me?

Benny: Well you’d better grow a thick skin, did you see the end of the show?

Kevin: No, I was being rushed here.

Ned: He reformed with the rest of the iAd.

Kevin: Jesus Fucking Christ.

Patsie: Those guys are huge.

Benny: And you’re…

Kevin: Not, I know. But I can’t just run home to mommy. I have to have my revenge against Trey Vincent, even if it means I have to burn my way through the rest of the iAd to get to him.

Ned: Dude, they will break every bone in your body.

Kevin: I know that. But I have on thing they can never kill.

Patsie: What’s that?

Kevin: My pride, baby. Pride.

Benny: You fucking cunt, you’re going to get yourself killed.

Kevin: I don’t care. Trey Vincent was my idol, and he was all of yours. Remember when we used to watch him on late night TV? He was the reason I became a wrestler. I wanted to be just like him.

Ned: It was great having serious, talented wrestlers amongst all the chaos. That’s what made BOB so fucked up.

[Kevin grabs a small bottle of superglue and sticks it up his nose.]

Kevin: I need a rematch against him. At the next show.

[Kevin passes the glue to Benny.]

Ned: But you made the stipulations for your last match, he’s going to want to do the same this time round.

Kevin: Trey doesn’t care about stipulations, he’s a sports entertainer. Plus the guys like… 200 lbs heavier than me.

Patsie: Jesus, you need to lift some weights.

Kevin: I’m going to challenge Trey to one of the oldest gimmick matches known to man. Something a sports entertainer can sink his teeth into.

[Ned takes a big whiff of nail varnish remover.]

Ned: What?

Kevin: A cage match!

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