[The scene opens to the exterior of Sinister City Day Care Center, where the yellow VW Beetle of Evil has just pulled up to the curb. The engine dies, and the doors swing open… as the masked Viruz and grungy attired Axl remove themselves from the vehicle.]
Viruz: I just hope he hasn’t taken a lightsaber to the little rascals. We don’t need a lawsuit on our hands…
Axl: Hey, if those brats get on Garth’s bad side, I say more power to him. I might just join in on the kiddy slaughter!
Viruz: [looks at Axl with a raised eyebrow] You’re one sick individual, ya know that?
Axl: I know. It’s in the family blood.
[Axl and Vi head inside the center… where they come upon a sight that forces a giggle from them both.]
Garth: Greetings Young Axl-walker, Viruz… … *wheeze* Do I sense… laughter? Directed at ME?!
Axl: Calm your jets, man, it’s just… *snort* Dude, that get-up!
Garth: What? *wheeze* You’ve never witnessed THE Dark Clown?
Viruz: You mean… the ICP?
Garth: NO, you fool! The Dark Clown, Garth Klownius! The lord and master of all that is evil in the galaxy! He is the father of Garth Maul and I. *wheeze* And this is my tribute costume, in his honor.
Axl: You know what I think?
Axl: I think you’re just acting like a goofball for these little pukes.
Garth: What?! *wheeze* What would give you such an idea! Why, I –
Kid #1: When are you gunna make anutter crazy, wacky, goofy face, Garthy the Clown?
Kid #2: How’s about anutter crazy, wacky, goofy ba-woon aminal, Garthy the Clown?
Kid #3: I wunna see anutter crazy, wacky, goofy magic trick, Garthy the Clown!
Garth: Why don’t I take my crazy, wacky, goofy lightsaber and cut you little shits into ribbons!!!
Viruz: Wow… you really have a way with children.
Garth: Comes with putting up with Dollar Store Troopers all the time. They match up with kids on the intellectual level rather well… Hey kids, why don’t these two fellas head into the costume closet of fun, and put on a show for you all! Doesn’t that sound like FUN?!
Kid #4: As long as they don’t cut us intah ribbons…
[Garth leads the Hierarchy brothers toward the back of the center, where a large costume closet is prepared. Axl and Viruz head inside, and within minutes, Garth lets the kids know that the brothers are ready to entertain.]
Garth: Ok, kiddies! *wheeze* Introducing… one of them is GREAT! The other is whiter than a loaf ah Wonderbread! *wheeze* They are – The Mediocre, and ‘X-File’ Peterrr GRIFFIN!!!
Kid #5: … Who?
Garth: They’re the two biggest sensations in the the world of proffesional, amateur, fake-ass, e-sports entertainment wrestling… today!
Kid #5: … Oh.
[Garth hits ‘play’ on a colorful, Hannah-Montanah themed stereo, which begins playing ‘Ice Cold Thug Jizzy”s latest single “Bitches Up Off the Hizzy”, in stores NOW! Not at Wal-Mart.]
[Axl and Viruz walk out of the closet… which I’ll refrain from making any lewd comments about the fact that that sounds just a TAD wrong. Axl, wears a loud, buttoned up Hawaiian shirt ; awful lime green slacks ; and penny loafers (named for the fact that they couldn’t possibly cost more than a single cent…), with his hair tied back in a ponytail. For some reason he’s wearing reading glasses even though he doesn’t NEED glasses to read… or for anything else, really…]
[Viruz is dressed in the WHITE-est, quote, unquote, “gangsta” apparel this side of Robert Van Winkle. Not to mention quite possibly the weirdest… A chain around his neck hooked to a large LaserDisc… a backwards “Weird” Al Yankovic cap… and a “grill” consisting of tiny, glued together computer chips. And to top things off, he’s wearing a throw-back jersey. A Sinister City Sugar Daddies, #000 jersey to be exact, the very same numbers of world reknowned original Sugar Daddy player ‘Kareem “White Everywhere, ‘Cept Down There” Uvwheet’. Garth takes two baloons, and twists them both into “microphones”, which he passes over to both Axl and Viruz.]
Axl: … We’re supposed to talk into these?
Garth: Come on, it’s for the little ones!
Axl: Dude, you’re SO sucking up for a fatter paycheck. It’s pathetic.
Garth: I know… *wheeze*
Axl: [turns to the kids] Hey kids! You’re looking at THE Mediocre,
And unlike Bozo here, I’m no joker!
The Mediocre is hotter than a red hot poker!
And if your supervisor was a chick with panties, the Mediocre would soak her!
Viruz: Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, YO~!!!1
Viruz: I’m Peter Griffin and I’m here to say,
That the ‘X-File”s not… uh… really gay!
I will raise the roof in this here house…
And kick the butt of a little mouse!
Axl: … Dude. That sucked.
Viruz: Better than your impression of the ‘Great’…
Kid #6: MY DAD COULD RAP BETTER THAN YOU TWO!!!
Viruz: Who’s your dad?
Kid #6: I really don’t know, cuz mama said she was like… somethin’ called a ‘group hug’.
Axl: You mean a GROUPIE! Hahaha, your mom was some cheap trick for a big rock star like I used to be! Hell, maybe you’re MY kid! … Damn, I hope your mom isn’t watching this… She might make me pay support!
Kid #6: Oh, wait, NOW I remember! She said his name was, uh… Pete… Table?
Viruz: Uh oh…
Axl: TRABLE?!?! You’re one of Trable’s bastard kids!?!?! After all the smack talk he’s been aiming at me, why I oughta… I oughta… ARGGH!!!
[Axl suddenly pounces on the 4 year old, lunging for his throat. Jeez, this guy’ll attack anybody… commentators, children… Good thing I’m just a disembodied voice, or he might… Phfff, what am I sayin’? He couldn’t take me on his BEST day!]
Viruz: You seem to forget his first round match in the Grand Slam tourney…
[… I TRIED to forget that. THANKS FOR BRINGING IT BACK UP!… dork.]
[Anyway, before Axl can do too much damage, Viruz and Garthy the Clown – ]
[Sorry. Garth and Vi drag Axl off the kid, as the leader of the Hierarchy screams obsceneties.]
Axl: Ya lilly livered, farfanuggin’, razza-frackin’ –
[… Don’t think we’ll be needing the bleep button for this particular rant…]
Axl: – gall darn son-of-a-Massachussetes BASTARD!
[Damn, too late. Missed the bleep button by a hair. Well, that’s a good way to squeeze by the censors, just pad your words with kindgergarten level “curse” words, before unleashing “the big one”. That Axl, I’ll tell ya, he’s a slippery devil…]
[Viruz and Garth try to calm down Axl, but… ]
Viruz: Well, hey man, look on the bright side. Remember when I said that your, as you said, awesome abs, chiseled torso, and beautiful biceps, would cause the kids to vomit?
Axl: … So?
Viruz: Well, atleast they didn’t-
Kid #7: *barf*
Axl: NOT MY WONDERFUL PENNY LOAFERS! WHY YOU LITTLE – !!!
Viruz: No Axl! We can’t afford a lawsuit!!! … Hell, we don’t have anything for them to take… GO AHEAD, BEAT THE SNOT OUT OF THE LITTLE FUCKER!!!
Garth: [using his powers to halt Axl in his tracks] Axl-walker!!! You must NOT allow this tiny, insignificant ant to cloud your mind!
Axl: But… I spent my last penny on these shoes! … I mean gazillion dollars… Yeah, that’s the ticket.
[As Axl stands right before the kid, fist clenched and raised, as the child cowers in fear, Garth uses his powers to slowly pull Axl’s fingers apart from eachother, and form a flat palm, directed toward the top of the kid’s head. Vader then uses a little more power to “Force” Axl to pat the kid on his head. The kid winces… but soon begins to smile.]
Garth: Now see, doesn’t that make you feel better?
Axl: I… I guess…
[Garth then whips out his lightsaber, and severs the child’s body clean in half.]
Garth: And that made ME feel better! Much – *wheeze* – MUCH better!
Kid #8: Mean ol’ Garfy the Clown jus’ killed Steve Roydz Jr!!!
Axl: … Uh…
Viruz: Man, the Brothers Garth must be on a Roydz family killing spree…
Garth: And now Axl… it is time. Time for me to reveal my TRUE identity!!!
Garth: Axl… I am… I Am… I AM…
[Garth removes the helmet… to reveal – ]
Viruz: … Mary Benz?
Viruz: I was searching Yahoogle, and found an article on this woman… she used to be a Day Care Supervisor… until she abused a small kid.
Axl: … Wait… so you’re saying… That Garth Vader… is a WOMAN?!
Mary: Actually, fellas, I only used the DISGUISE of Garth Vader to trick the little brats here, and the employees, into believing I was someone decent. Someone wholesome. Someone they could trust.
Axl: … We ARE talking about Garth, right?
Viruz: Well, from what I can tell, he’s alot less evil than this bitch…
Mary: And now that one more annoying little toddler has met their grisly demise, I may take my leave! Ciao, babes!
[Axl and Viruz look at eachother.]
Axl: No –
Viruz: – Way.
Axl: [looks back at Mary] You SO didn’t just disgrace THE most sacred parting phrase in all of the English vernacular!!!
Viruz: YOU BITCH!!!
Mary: I –
[Suddenly, from behind, Mary was quickly cut in two, thanks to the lightsaber of the TRUE Garth Vader. A guy who wouldn’t be caught DEAD in a clown suit, regardless of it being the traditional garb of his father.]
Garth: Huh? Traditional garb… *wheeze* Have I missed something?
Axl: [puts an arm over Garth’s shoulder, and they, along with Viruz, walk toward the front door] Garth… it’s a long story. Which I’ll have to conveniantly tell you in between scenes, so that the writer doesn’t actually have to write any of it.
Viruz: Classic Hollywood Writing Strategery! Ya gotta love it!
Garth: … What?
[Axl and Viruz share a hearty, “closing sitcom scene” laugh, walking with Garth to the Beetle of Evil… Garth seeming to be more than just a bit puzzled…]