I Am Dlacura, Coo-Coo-Cachoo
[Trey Vincent was lost in the hell that is Sin City's Chinatown district. He took off his black winter cap, rubbed his brown hair, and looked around at the bustling little Chinamen and Chinawomen.]
Voice: You awl rost.
[Trey spun around. A man with a long gray moustache stood behind him. Well, in front of him now.]
TV: I am Trey. Shit, you’re not gonna try and sell me a Gremlin, are you?
[The Chinese man did not react.]
Chinese Man: You awl found.
TV: How can I be both lose AND found, pal? C’mon. Do you know where the, uh, Happy Ending Bar is? I’m supposed to meet my girlfriend there.
Chinese Man: This sentence is farse.
TV: Huh?
Chinese Man: Such a shame. Yowl mind is weak. You rill not be able to defeat Dr. Siroconne M. Prants and Mistel Palladox at iMPROSION 8.
TV: Hey, how did you know that?
[The Chinese Man points at Trey's chest, which has a picture of himself with the words BOB Wrestling Presents TREY VINCENT + Kevin the Pyromaniac vs. Dr. Silaconne M. Plants + Mr. Paradox on iMPLOSION 8 on G5TV!]
TV: Oh, right. Our advertising budget sucks. I was thinking of using some Lite Brite things for some guerilla marketing tactics, but figured I didn’t want Homeland Security on my ass, get it? Wait, how did you know I’m Trey Vincent?
Chinese Man: Rucky guess.
TV: Look, pal, I’m not looking for a guru, can you just tell me how to get to the Happy Ending.
[A Chinese woman stops dead in her tracks.]
Chinese Girl: Peeg!
[She walks on.]
Chinese Man: Rich is bettawl, etelnar happriness oal a ham sandrich? It rould appeal tat etelnar happriness is bettawl, but this is learry not so! Aftel arr, noffing is bettaw zen etelnar happriness, and a ham sandrich is celtainry bettaw zen noting. Thellfoll, a ham sandrich is bettawl zen etelnar happriness.
TV: The fuck? Look, dude, I can barely understand whatever the fuck it is you’re trying to teach me.
Chinese Man: Mind reak. No ray you can beat Palladox.
TV: I don’t need a sharp mind. All I need is my outstanding body to beat the crap out of him and make him the star of “Deep Throat 2008″ when I make him give head to his own sword, get it?
Chinese Man: Nor learry.
TV: Leary?
Chinese Man: Reawwy?
TV: What are you TALKING about?! I’m Trey Vincent!
Chinese Man: Learry?
TV: Yes, REALLY! I know you get your R’s and L’s fucked up, but c’mon, man. This is just silly. I’ve got to go now. Later…
Chinese Man: Rait!
TV: (Mocking) Rut?
Chinese Man: Everyrun is aflaid of Dlacura. Dlacura is aflaid of only me. Thellfore, I am Dlacura!
TV: Oh, c’mon. You are NOT Dracula! You don’t have any fangs. Or a cape. If your next words are “I raunt to suck youl brud…
Chinese Man: Ry am I Dlacura?
TV: I don’t know!
Chinese Man: Yes, you do!
TV: *Sigh* Because Dracula’s a fag?
Chinese Man: Long!
[He throws a chopstick at Trey.]
TV: Hey!
Chinese Man: Ry am I Dlacura? How can you defeat Mistel Palladox unress you know ry I’m Dlacura!
TV: I don’t know. Umm… OK. Everyone’s afraid of Dracula, right? So, that means Dracula is afraid of Dracula. So, Dracula is afraid of Dracula, but also is afraid of no one but you. Therefore, you’re Dracula?
Chinese Man: To get to Happy Ending Bawl, rawk thlee brocks, zen tuln reft at thaw right.
TV: Turn left at the right? Oh, light. Right. Got it. Later, jackfuck.
[Trey walks away in the direction the Chinese Man instructed.]
Female Voice: Excuse me, sir? Do you know how to get to the Happy Ending?
[The Chinese Man came face to face with a beautiful blonde woman.]
Female: I’m supposed to meet soem guy there.
Chinese Man: Sure. Three fuckin’ blocks that fuckin’ way, turn your fuckin’ ass left at the fuckin’ light, ya dig, jerkweed?
Female: Who are you, Chink Chinknuts?
[She walks away, flipping him off without looking back.]