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2 Grills 1 Steak

June 11th, 2008

Kevin the Pyromaniac

[Kevin The Pyromaniac is sat in front of a television set, guzzling down five year old beer and chain smoking cigarettes like they’re going out of fashion. He pulls a VHS tape out of his ripped denim jacket with what appears to be the letters ‘BMW’ written on in black marker.]

Kevin: Next week is the biggest match of my career, I’ve got to snap out of this jobber mentality if I want even a chance at keeping my half of the NGETFA belts. Even with Trey Vincent I don’t know how I’m going to beat Dr. Silaconne M. Plants and Mr. Paradox.

[Kevin pops the tape into the player.]

Kevin: Hell for leather I suppose.

[Fuzzy static appears on the television screen until we see the canvas of a wrestling ring. Sabu and The Sheik (not the iron one) are in one corner and two Japs are in the other. The screen becomes ablaze with reds and oranges as the ring is set alight, curls of charcoal colored smoke swirling into the air.]

Kevin: The source. The very first fire deathmatch. These motherfuckers were tough as nails.

[The match quickly deflates as the fire gets out of control and the wrestlers clammer for oxygen. As the match gets totally out of hand Kevin fast forwards and downs another can of beer.]

Kevin: I need something that will give me the advantage. Plants has experience, hell, he’s been here longer than anyone, and Paradox can be a sadistic bastard when he wants to be.

[Kevin stops presses play as a man in camouflage pants puts another wrestler into a coffin and sets it on fire to win the match.]

Kevin: I know those guys would be happy to see me die in this match. Paradox has a god damn sword for christ’s sake, I’ll end up like BVD if I can’t come up with something to give me the upper hand.

[Kevin fast forwards again to some guy called Shadow WX setting himself on fire whilst on the top turnbuckle before putting his opponent through a table with a diving splash. He fast forwards again until stopping randomly at a wrestler being powerbombed onto a knee. ]

Kevin: That’s it!

[Kevin stops the tape before running out of his living room and into the backyard. Mannequins lay across the yellowed and scorched grass under the sweltering June sun. The smell of gasoline and burnt rubber hangs heavy in the air.]

Kevin: I need a brand new finshing move!

[Kevin hops over car parts and broken bottles to the middle of the lawn. He lifts up one of the mannequins and puts it into the piledriver position. He then pours gas onto his knee and ignites it with a lighter. He hauls the mannequin up onto his shoulder before driving it into the flaming knee.]

Kevin: This one names itself. Plants and Paradox, I know you guys are bigger and more skilled than me. But if I can hit you with my new move, the Go 2 Hell, you’ve got no chance of kicking out!

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