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Who’s on first?

June 7th, 2008

Steve Studnuts

~~~Steve Studnuts is sitting at his computer reading !MPLOSION! 7. After observing him for several minutes, you noticed a range of emotions from exhilaration to dejection. Maybe you didn’t notice. Pay attention, motherfucker. Connie Lingus, Steve’s live-in mooch that looks like the combined mega-sexiness of Cindy Crawford, Darva Conger, Sarah Michelle Gellar, and Angie Everhart, walks up to his left. Jizzabelle Cummins, Steve’s OTHER live-in mooch that resembles the offspring of lesbian sex between Tara Reid and Reese Witherspoon walks up to his right. It’s June. It’s Phoenix. So, it’s fucking hot. Even inside with a/c. Both girls are wearing bikinis that are just enough to cover their titty buttons and nicely trimmed ‘other’ hair.

Steve continues to look at the PC monitor, then opens a large, hardcover book, uses his index finger to scan through a paragraph or two, finds the proper context he’s looking for, then looks up from the screen.~~~

Studs: Fuck.

Connie: What’s wrong, Steve?

Studs: This show. It fuckin’ sucks.

Connie: Show?

Studs: Right here!

~~~He vehemently points at the monitor.~~~

Jizz: Ummm, didn’t you know this before you sat here today? I mean, weren’t you like there or something?

Studs: Huh? Are you fuckin’ stupid?

Connie: Sometimes I think I am.

~~~Connie leaves, but quickly returns with one of those novelty t-shirts with the big, handless, pointing glove that reads, “I’m with Stupid” over it. She stands next to Steve and says nothing for a minute or two while the glove points at him.~~~

Jizz: I know what you mean, girl!

Studs: Are you bitches finished? Let me explain. You see, we’re not real. Ya dig? You two are a couple of tramps some pickle head in North Carolina thought would be dream chicks to him circa 1999. I don’t really wrestle. I’m a parody. You gals are fake, too.

~~~Connie squeezes her ample breasts.~~~

Connie: I don’t know. I feel pretty REAL to me.

Studs: I can see this shit is fuckin’ pointless. So let’s skip the explainin’ and get down to some fuckin’ bizness.

~~~He stands from the computer and faces his highly sexual, minus the zany misunderstandings and wacky goings-on, 2/3 of this Three’s Company.~~~

Studs: I got a free pass back into the tournament since Joe whatever the fuck his name was got hurt, but now Trey has booked me against Sarah. Know what that means?

Connie: No.

Jizz: Me either.

Studs: It means I’m FUCKED! Trey ain’t gonna book me over his bitch. I was hopin’ that, ya know, bros before hos would come into effect but I’m not sure that it will.

Connie: Is that like dicks before chicks?

Studs: I’m I Axl? No, it’s not anythin’ like dicks before fuckin’ chicks. Bros before hos means you pick your buddy over some snatch when the shit gets thick. When the chips are down, you pick your pal over some deep thigh gash.

Jizz: That sounds kinda gay, Steve.

Studs: It ain’t fuckin’ gay! Dudes do it all the time. Go to the game with your buddy and drink beer, or stay at home watchin’ some motherfuckin’ bullshit like Sleepless in Seattle with a stank bimbo? Bros before hos! But I don’t think Trey is gonna go bro. I think he’s gonna go ho. I’m fucked.

Jizz: That would make me think bro before ho if YOU’RE fucked. Get it? Huh? You get it?

Studs: Bitch. Just shut your fuckin’ pie hole and look nice, okay? That’s all you’re really supposed to do. Look good. Shut the fuck up.

Connie: Does any of this matter, the thing with Trey and Sarah?

Studs: Yes, it fuckin’ matters! I got it all figured out. You see, we’re down to the final eight goin’ into UnFOURgiven. Me, Sarah, Trey, Kevin, Plants, Paradox, The Great, and Dr. Thrilla. Now then, I don’t know much about this guy that calls himself The Great, other than he has a dumb fuckin’ name. He’s got Dr. Thrilla. That’s a toss up in my book, ain’t neither one of them worth a fuck.

Jizz: But didn’t Thrilla just beat you?

Studs: ANY-way. Plants and Paradox got paired up to face Trey and Kevin. Now, Trey wouldn’t advance himself with the possibility of havin’ to face Sarah, and besides, look at his fuckin’ partner. He can barely see over the gatdamn rim of his roster pic box. Not only that, all the little motherfucker does is light shit on fire and get pinned by shit that shouldn’t be pinnin’ shit. 99 fuckin’ percent of the stuff that pins him ain’t even breathin’. Plants and Paradox should move on, if they don’t kill each other in the process.

Connie: Okay? So?

Studs: So that leaves Sarah against me. Since Trey will most likely not make the final, you know gatdamn well Sarah will. So, I’m fucked. Jobbed to a slit, by my best friend. Ain’t that some fuckin’ shit?

Jizz: You don’t know that. You can win, right?

Studs: Are you even fuckin’ listenin’ to me? I don’t stand a chance. And that fucks up my plans to keep SMP from winning. Maybe I’ll just do a run-in durin’ his match and make sure Trey and Kevin win.

Connie: Why do you care if Plants wins? Why would you want to stop him? What’d he do to you?

Studs: He didn’t do anythin’ to me, but I sure did somethin’ to somebody. Somebody he’s jonesing for. Ya dig?

Jizz: I’m confused.

Studs: We know that. Trust me, we fuckin’ know that. Look, in a fuckin’ nutshell, Nurse Heidi and I went out, we had a camera, I gave Heidi the tape cause I have like 2000 of them hidden around here from you bitches, Heidi got nervous, got a floor safe, jerked off The Flunky and got an extra set of keys to BOB’s prop closet, wrote the safe combination across the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS, the NGETFA tag-team titles, and the Swiss Army Title, put the tape in the safe, told Plants she’d come clean about the tape if he won the Grand Slam tournament and won all four titles, which is about as likely as Hillary fuckin’ Clinton as president, and here we are. I have to stop The Doc from getting his hands on those four titles, it’s the only way he can line up the combination. And then he’ll know.

Connie: Know what?

Studs: What’s on the fuckin’ tape.

Jizz: So what’s on it?

Studs: I just told you.

Connie: No you didn’t, you just said “the fuckin’ tape”.

Studs: Yes.

Jizz: Yes, what?

Studs: That’s it.

Connie: What’s it?

Studs: Who’s on first.

Jizz: Huh?

Studs: No, he’s in the bleachers getting a blowjob. Heh.

Connie: Stop it, Steve! You’re being a child! What’s on that tape?

Studs: You wanna know? I guess you bitches just became fans of Silaconne M. Plants, huh?

Jizz: We already are!

~~~Both girls squeeze their tits~~~

Studs: The OTHER Silaconne M. Plants! The DOCTOR! FUCK! The only way ANYBODY is gonna find out what’s on that tape is if SMP wins all the belts at UnFOURgiven, line them up in the precise configuration, and decode the safe combination. And since he hasn’t won the fuckin’ OWTTM in like, forty fuckin’ years of tryin’, I think the secret is safe. In the safe. Ya dig?

Connie: Go Plants! We want to know what’s on the tape!

Jizz: Yeah! Whoo! Go SMP! Umm, who’s SMP?

Studs: Heh. One other thing before I get off here. Jerry Li, do you ever read a fuckin’ show? You had my picture in your locker room at !MPLOSION! 6 lustin’ over me and pickin’ out slutty bikinis to wear, then I rough you up a bit, like you like it, you save me from getting stabbed to death by Paradox, and then you didn’t even mention me in any of your promos, bitch. What the fuck? Follow the story lines, you metal faced chink. We could’ve already fucked by now.

Connie: Steve? We totally heard that.

Studs: Oh, did I say that out loud? I was just kiddin’. Yeah, that’s it.
Sarah? I may not beat you at !MPLOSION! 7, but I sure am gonna try and beat you up until your fallopian tubes bleed, you conniving, friend splittin’ hussy! Sometimes when you win, you lose. Ya dig?

You might advance, but there won’t be anything left of you for the championship match… that’s not an idle threat, a promise, or a fuckin’ guarantee.

That bitch, IS….. A….. FACT!

Your bad luck day just got a whole lot fuckin’ worse.

Because I’m Steve Studnuts, and you’re not.

But I KNOW……YOU WISH…… YOU COULD BE!

~~~static~~~

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  1. June 8th, 2008 at 11:04 | #1

    Jerri: You might have roughed me up a bit but you ain’t that good honey. And that doctor wont even bite with that bear trap in his mouth. Neither one of you is exactly splitting me on the inside.

  2. June 8th, 2008 at 13:03 | #2

    ~~~Steve Studnuts is again at his computer, checking the Rant Zone for replies to his “roleplay/promo” from yesterday. His eyes light up when he realizes that Jerri Li has posted a comment. As he reads, jubilation quickly turns to contemplation. Then frustration. Humiliation? Nah, she hasn’t quite turned him down yet. Steve types his response, when he finished he hit “post reply”, you can now read it below.~~~

    Studs: Ya know, I always knew you didn’t have to know how to split fuckin’ atoms to be in the BOB T & A division, but Jerri, you’re one stupid bitch.

    You said I’m not exactly splittin’ you on the inside? No shit, we haven’t fucked yet.

    Call me.

  3. June 9th, 2008 at 02:25 | #3

    Jerri: I don’t care if you’re hung like a horse, I don’t feel that shit until it’s wrapped in barbedwire and has a razor blade stuck in the urethra. I ain’t shitting bricks over you.

  4. June 9th, 2008 at 09:21 | #4

    *Dr. Thrilla stands in front of a table. On one side of the table is a picture of Jerri Li. On the other side is his parole agreement, which specifically (in a highlighted section) bans biting another human being with his beartrap. He looks at one. Then the other. Then the first one again.*

    Dr. Thrilla: *Deeply divided metal clanging*

  5. June 9th, 2008 at 10:39 | #5

    Jerri: I don’t care if you’re hung like a horse, I don’t feel that shit until it’s wrapped in barbedwire and has a razor blade stuck in the urethra. I ain’t shitting bricks over you.

    Studs: Umm. Uh-rah. Yeah. Ya know, you’re hot and all, but I kinda have this thing. Call me crazy, but I like a bitch whose pussy doesn’t look like chimichanga meat. I’ll catch ya on the flip side, Shreddy Munster.

    On second thought, I’ve never been one to back down from a challenge. Or try something new.

    ~~~His cell phone chirps with a ringtone very similar to Luke Skyywalker and the 2 Live Crew’s “We Want Some Pussy.”~~~

    Studs: (singing) If ya wanna blow, just let me know, we can go back stage at the end of the show….(/singing)

    HELLO?

    Yeah, this is Steve Studnuts. U-Niq Kondoms? Hey, glad you called.

    You got it? That was fast.

    Look, it has to be reinforced with some metal or some shit like that, ya dig?

    Yes, I ordered it wrapped in barbed wire. That is correct. But I wanted razor wire, that shit at the prisons to keep the motherfuckers from climbing over the fence.

    That’s it. Just like that.

    I also need a drill bit, probably a 3/8”, put on the cap, with an umbrella feature that opens up with rusty nails. And I wanted a laser beam attached to it.

    What? You don’t have laser beams? How fuckin’ hard is it to get a metal condom, wrapped in razor wire, with a drill bit and rusty nail umbrella on the head, and NOT be able to get a fuckin’ laser beam attached?

    Would I be interested in gettin’ free anal beads for my partner instead of the laser beam? Umm, can you make one with bricks?

    Yeah, REAL fuckin’ bricks.

    I know.

    This chick has to shit bricks to get turned on, I guess.

    You CAN do the bricks? You gotta deal!

    Sweet. Put it on my tab.

    ~~~He hangs up.~~~

    Studs: Jerri, I’m gonna rock your world. Ya dig?

    ~~~static~~~

  6. June 9th, 2008 at 12:33 | #6

    Jerri: It must be my birthday today or something.

    [Jerri sinks into her bed, daydreaming away whilst listening to ‘Beat That Bitch With A Waffle Iron.’]

  7. June 9th, 2008 at 16:38 | #7

    Studs: Oh yeah! It’s your birthday, honey.

    Here’s a little somethin’ that reminds me of you, it’s a bootleg I took in Mesa some time ago. Listen to the words, consider it a dedication.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSlPoimhdKE

    Studs: I know it won’t be long now before you’re all over my tip like stink on shit. And remember, that ain’t no sock in my crotch.

    Studs: Call me!

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