Archive for June, 2008

Bag Hangover Promo #3

June 29th, 2008
Comments Off on Bag Hangover Promo #3

[Kevin is squashing tomato ketchup packets with a hammer. He pretends they’re Trey Vincent’s face and mumbles under his breath.]

Kevin: stupidsonofabithccostmethemaineventmatchwillya?

Kevin the Pyromaniac

[Kevin removes his sweat drenched red Harley Davidson t-shirt and flexes his pale muscles the size of grapes.]

Kevin: Trey, if we’re gonna have a match against each other at Unfourgiven, I think I should have a say in the stipulations. You’ve screwed me left right and center and this is my payback, just give me a chance to mop the floor with you.

[Kevin beats his flat chest as violently as he can.]

Kevin: Trey, I challenge you to a Street Fight! But not just any kind of Street Fight, no no no. I’ve made it my mission to kill sports entertainment forever. Get The Flunky down to your local gardening center with a pair of wire cutters at night and steal as many concrete slabs as he can fit in that cheap ass pick up truck of his. I want a REAL Street Fight, with stop signs, traffic cones and everything. At Unfourgiven I am going to give Sports Entertainment a parking ticket!

Clive: That’s not particularly scary.

Kevin: Fuck, ok… at Unfourgiven I will kick Sports Entertainment to the curb!

Clive: Eh, better I suppose.

Kevin: Stop ragging on my threatening one liners!

rant , , , ,

Bowling For Turpentine

June 27th, 2008
Comments Off on Bowling For Turpentine

Mr. Fantastic

[Mr. Fantastic is eating a cheese and ketchup sandwich in his local bowling alley. He is sat with Cleetus the Double Jointed Lunatic, one of his old tag team partners. Cleetus is picking at pimples on his face whilst simultaneously picking gristle out of his teeth with a toothpick.]

Mr. Fantastic: Pass the cottage cheese.

[Cleetus belches and bends his arm backwards to get the tub of thick and sickly stuff. A man dressed in pink and purple, who just got a strike, walks back towards them and gets high fives.]

Phil Cadillac: Another strike Cleetus, you don’t stand a chance.

Mr. Fantastic: At least he doesn’t have a face like a smacked ass.

Phil Cadillac: Hey, what’s the hostility? I’m a sexy motherfucker and joo know it.

Mr. Fantastic: When did you become hispanic?

Cleetus: He been hittin that there moonshine.

Phil Cadillac: Shut up Cleetus. Burt, it’s your turn.

Mr. Fantastic: I said call me Mr. Fantastic!

[Mr. Fantastic takes his ‘wrecking ball’ designed bowling ball and squeaks his shoes on the polished floor. He tip toes to the line and rolls the ball with all the power his 500 Megaton Pistons can muster.]

Mr. Fantastic: Steeeeerike!

[Mr. Fantastic makes his way back to his seat with a smile the size of Texas. Phil Cadillac is paying too much attention to a waitress in a pale blue outfit.]

Phil Cadillac: Arlene, get us some more beers could ya honey?

[Phil slaps her behind.]

Mr. Fantastic: You love that girl don’t you?

Phil Cadillac: She’s my sweetheart, she makes me melt inside.

[Cleetus starts gnawing on a plate of ribs as he waits for the beers.]

Phil Cadillac: You are getting roasted Cleetus.

Cleetus: I’m jus warmin up.

Mr. Fantastic: Did you ask that waitress to bring us nachos?

Phil Cadillac: You are obsessed with food.

[Cleetus knocks down a few pins.]

Phil Cadillac (clapping): Nice try Cleetus.

Mr. Fantastic: Being skinny is one thing, but porkchops taste good. Especially smothered in nacho cheese and gravy.

Phil Cadillac: Sweet, I’ve got to listen to Senor Brie de Frenchy Chef through one ear and rattlesnake retard through the other.

[Mr. Fantastic cracks his fingers over his chest.]

Mr. Fantastic: Don’t start acting funny, I’ll kick your teeth down your throat right here in the bowling alley.

Phil Cadillac: You talk so much shit, you and your meth addict friend.

[Cleetus knocks down all of the pins.]

Phil Cadillac: Well done Cleetus, your cooking with gas now.

Cleetus: Vaporized!

Phil Cadillac: Well, not quite Cleetus, you’ve still only got one point against our near perfect games… but nice effort.

Mr. Fantastic: Don’t to him like he’s a child, he could snap you like a twig.

Phil Cadillac: This twiglet? He’s like Mr. Bean on valium.

[Cleetus starts crying.]

Cleetus: Stop fighting!

Mr. Fantastic: Now you made him cry!

Phil Cadillac: Well he shouldn’t have sucked all the ribs dry, I can get pretty bitter about that.

Mr. Fantastic: You’re just rubbing salt in the wounds.

[Suddenly Arlene the waitress appears and hands the guys their beers.]

Arlene: You guys aren’t fighting are you?

[All three men put their feet up on the table as their noses turn bright red.]

Mr. Fantastic: Not anymore.

rant , , , ,

Slap And A Tickle

June 25th, 2008
Comments Off on Slap And A Tickle

Jerri Li

Jerri: Are you the real Frank?

Frank: Unfortunately, yes.

Jerri: What happened to your limbs?

Frank: I was in a car accident and they were all torn off. It came as a shock being a careful driver my whole life. Then one day I wake up without any limbs and need people to help me go to the bathroom.

Jerri: It’s the moments that are precious Frank. Try not to count away your whole life upset about what’s happened to you… because one day it’ll be all over and you wont breathe again. Hell, it’ll even happen to me and probably much sooner because of the evil things I have done.

Frank: Evil things?

Jerri: You don’t think locking a man underneath floorboards and keeping him awake all night with loud footsteps is evil?

Frank: Kind of, I wouldn’t want that to happen to me.

Jerri: That’s what I did. He even said he’d believe in God if he ever made it out of there alive and saw his girlfriend again. I say he deserved what he got.

Frank: You are violence crazy.

Jerri: Someone that conjures up hell for people and then acts them out in real life is pretty evil in most people’s eyes. I’m that bad.

[Frank waters his plants with a hosepipe held in his mouth. He spits it out and lets it spray from his lap as he talks.]

Frank: Is it worth it?

Jerri: You’ll never know.

[Jerri breaks the man’s neck and rips it off. She puts it into a number 28 bag and slings it over her shoulder.]

Jerri: To the pickle jar.

[Jerri picks up the hose. There is water all over his body and she kicks it away.]

Jerri: Ooh, I’ve come over all light headed for some reason. I wasn’t expecting that to happen.

[Jerri stumbles away, back into her strange world of heaven and hell. Some people just pay the price. Like the man under the floor boards who she’ll set fire to and see if his satin shirt will help him become a phoenix. It’s amazing what some people go for.]

rant , , , ,

BOB Presents: UnFOURgiven!

June 25th, 2008
Comments Off on BOB Presents: UnFOURgiven!

On July 5, Brawlers On a Budget presents its summer spectacular BOB-On-Demand event, UnFOURgiven, live from Madison’s Octagonal Arena! Tickets are still on sale!

Here’s what you’ll see at UnFOURgiven:

-Grand Slam Finals, Winner Takes Every BOB Title (THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS, Swiss Army Belt, and Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Tag Team Titles): Steve Studnuts© + The Great© vs. Mr. Paradox© + Dr. Silaconne M. Plants©!

-ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS #1 Contenders Match: Sarah “The Jobber Slayer” vs. Death!

Kevin the Pyromaniac vs. Trey Vincent!

-Fourth of July Death Match: 22 men will battle for the Applecore title, including Mr. Fantastic, Duke Thompson, Luke Warm, Little Good, Snapmare Kid, XXXtreme Machine, and several new We Win Everything substars!

Düff vs. XFactor Pete Trable!

-Hardcore T&A XX Division Title Match: Jerri Li vs. Nikki Mantle©!

-Enter The Vortex Match: Viruz vs. Kurt Angel!

-Beer In The Belly Ladder Match (winner gets a guaranteed ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS match): Dr. Thrilla vs. Seth Harker vs. Axl vs. Steve Roydz vs. Insano Mano vs. ??! Who will be the mystery entrant? Only the Medium-Sized Bucket knows!

news , , , ,

Finding Axl… pt.3

June 25th, 2008
Comments Off on Finding Axl… pt.3


“Face the Truth.”

“SMP… he’s washed up. Hell, he hasn’t even earned the title of BEING washed up! The guy’s barely a blip on the radar! And he has just about as much chance of holding the OWTTM as he does of holding Nurse Heidi… which is about the same chance he has of defeating Trey Vincent, or even Kevin! SMP? He’s a joke.”

“Seth… he’s way too preoccupied with fighting his former best friend to even THINK about the Beer in the Belly Match. And let’s face it… the guy’s… well… he’s full of himself. You just gotta hate people like that. Seth Harker? He’s a joke.”

“Mano… he’s not even worth mentioning, but because I must, THE GUY’S THE BIGGEST JOKE OF THEM ALL.”

“And no matter WHO pins Seth [because you just know there’s no chance in hell Seth’s walking away with the win], whether they be big, small, fat, thin, male, female, or have a hundred legs, a soda can for a nose, and a stick lodged through their head, I WILL CRUSH THEM. For I am NO joke.”

“I am Axl.”

“And I Am better… than… you.”

Rose: AXL! Are you washing the dishes in there, or are you running your DAMN mouth?!

Axl: I’m sorry dear! *mumbling* bitch…


Axl: Uh… er, uhm, ah- I said I’m RICH… with love and affection for you, sweetiekins.

Rose: Sure… Just you make sure those pots are spotless, or I’m taking a sharp knife and cutting off that toothpick dick of yours, so I can have TWO holes to shove my strap-on in!


[We open to the kitchen of the Residence of Evil. Axl is busy scrubbing the dishes clean, while Rose sets down on the sofa, picking the meat of a chicken bone, her eyes glued to the tv set. On the screen is Viruz, who is holding a press conference in Sinister City… discussing the details of the X-Station Wii60… and more importantly, the Vortex.]


Viruz: Ladies and gentlemen. I have gathered you here today to reveal the greatness of a gaming console, which will soon be available in stores across the nation. A system that shall revolutionize the way we think of not only video games, but entertainment itself, forEVER. For years, the gamers have been bored with what has been presented to them. I’m telling you, it’s time for a CHANGE! And so, I give you… the X-Station… Wii…SIXTY!!!

[Viruz rips a sheet from off the covered console, unveiling it for the first time… Wait. Is that… a potted plant? …]

Viruz: [looks over at the plant] DAMMIT! Wrong sheet. Wait a minute…

[Viruz turns to the other side, and our camera pans to find another covered console. The sheet is removed… and we find a plate full of pancakes. Wow, this must be the most disorganized unveiling in the history of computer entertainment… or anything for that matter.]

Viruz: Huh. Well, ok, I’ll just say this. It looks cool. … REALLY cool. And it IS real… so don’t start- NO, don’t start leaving! People! Come back- FUCK!

Press Guy: We shoulda known better than to trust someone in a mask to unveil a “cool” gaming system! He’s afraid to show his face, cuz he knows we might come to his house and kick his ass!

Viruz: HA! I scoff! I could kick every last one of your asses!

[A big, burly bastard of a guy steps onto the stage, and gets in Vi’s face.]

Viruz: Uh… maybe… not EVERY last one of you? Heheh… *gulp*

[The focus switches back to the living room of the Residence of Evil, as we hear loud crashing noises coming from the set.]

Rose: Ugh… leave it to Axl’s nerdy brother to have his face pounded in by the press. I guess you could say Vi’s one guy who didn’t want to “MEET THE PRESS”, bwahahahahahahahahaha! … Crickets.

: . . . meanwhile . . . :

[We head on over to “Blah-Mart”, the local supermarket of Sinister City. Pigeon is sitting atop a display of Diet Cherry Vannilla Chocolate ‘Pipsa’ Cola, legs dangling, both of them in a cast. He broods.]


Pigeon: Pipsa… the Cola of a New Generation. A generation on the brink of a total and unequivocal meltdown. A meltdown that will bring this sordid mortal coil to its knees. Knees dirty with the mud of a forgotten youth.

Pigeon: Quoth the Pigeon… Product Placement Rules.

[Steve Roydz walks into the scene, wearing a wig of dreadlocks, along with short black spandex, with the letter “T” on the back. His entire body is covered with black-flesh-colored make-up… This can’t be good.]

Steve Roydz

Roydz: Stevie Roydz is on like a pot ah chicken bone, dawg! Save the drama fo’ ya mammy, dawg! I’m black, bitch dawg! Once ya go black, ya go deaf, dawg! It’s time to hate the game and dawg the playa’, dawg! You want some, come get some, best be big nuff’ bad nuff take some, you don’t like me, bite me, you best be big nuff, bad nuff… uh… DAWG!

[“Stevie” tries to perform a Spinaroonie, but only succeeds in smacking his feet into the display…]

Pigeon: AAAAHHHH!!!

[Pigeon falls off the display… all of the cans tumbling down upon him as he collides with the floor.]


Stevie: You DIDN’T say that! TELL ME… you didn’t just say that! Now can you shovel that…

: . . . meanwhi –


: . . . meanwhile . . . :


Axl: Hello… Oh, Lord Vader, I- … Choose? Between what? … My success, and…. you can’t be serious? But… I- I understand. It’s just… yes, I know. I have to take a stand if I expect to master the power of the dark side. And to do so – I must choose. I… I will… Soon. … Tonight? … Fine. I’ll… I’ll see you tonight. Goodbye…


|where one door closes… another door opens|

rant , , , , , , , ,

Bad Hangover Promo #2

June 25th, 2008
Comments Off on Bad Hangover Promo #2

Kevin the Pyromaniac

[Kevin The Pyromaniac is watching a portable TV on the porch before his backyard.]

Kevin: Mr. Paradox, Trey Vincent was my idol. To me he is the pinnacle of sports entertainment. When I held the NGETFA tag titles with him it was like a boyhood dream come true. Like when Edge held the tag belts in that other federation with Hulk Hogan. But just like the Hulk, Trey has an evil streak in him and it is as black as night. He betrayed me. He cost me my half of the titles. And he cost me my spot in the main event at Unfourgiven. And he cost me my idol. Tonight I have a chance to gain back some of the things I’ve lost, but to do it I have to not only defeat Trey Vincent I also have to stop Dr. Siliconne frickin’ M. Plants to do it. To be honest I don’t have a chance against two main eventers, but I did want to say something. I understand your hatred of Trey Vincent now, he is evil and sick and I wouldn’t want to hold the belts with him anymore either. But there is a weapon you and I share in common that these ‘sports entertainers’ don’t have. We’re both hardcore. If I can out sports entertain the sports entertainers, knock over that dumb ass Generic Ref, and have free reign with weapons and my trusty can of gasoline, we could become THE hardcore tag team. Sports entertainment be damned, nobody would take those straps off us.

[Kevin takes a sword from off screen and walks onto the parched earth of his backyard. He swings it around a few times as it sparkles in the June sun.]

Kevin: You know you could do a lot of damage with this.

[Kevin sets up two scarecrows stuffed with straw and sticks magazine cutouts of Trey Vincent and Siliconne M. Plants’ faces onto them. He sits on an upturned rock and pulls out his gas can.]

Kevin: I’m gonna have to save your ass from the shit your in, Mr. Paradox.

[Kevin ignites the sword which goes up with a whoosh. Kevin screams and charges at the scarecrows, stabbing and slashing them with the burning sword until they go up in flames.]

Kevin: PYROMANIA~!!1

rant , , , , , ,

A moment with the Swiss Ar-um, what champ am I?

June 24th, 2008

Steve Studnuts

~~~Steve Studnuts is at the Arizona Center in downtown Phoenix at the Piano Bar, a gaggle of hot chicks navigate around him like the moons to his Jupiter. He has a championship belt draped over his shoulder. A giant arrow, digitalized on the screen appears over the title, with flashing words ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS over it. We join in progress~~~

Studs: So the penis says,”Is that as deep as it gets?”

~~~The girls force laughter.~~~

Studs: BWAAA HAAA HAAA! You get it?

Girl1: Steve, you’re SO funny!

Studs: Yep, but not as funny as motherfuckers that insert their own foot into their mouth!

Girl 2: I can do that!

~~~She removes her pump and seductively sucks her own toes.~~~

Studs: Say now. You’re pretty flexible. What’s your name, honey?

Girl 2: Gertrude.

Studs: What the fuck? How could a hot ass bitch like you end up with such an ugly gatdamn name? I’m gonna call you Sasha.

Girl 2: Isn’t that like, a Croatian name for a man?

Studs: Ya know, I think I heard that somewhere. How about I just call you Sarah?

Girl 2: Sarah? Okay. Why Sarah?

Studs: Let’s just say I’d like to fuck Sarah again. Ya dig? Just like I did at !MPLOSION 8! HA!

Girl 2: Okay!

Girl 3: HEY! Why does girl 2 get all the action? You can call me Sarah!

Studs: Sure, I’ll call you Sarah too. I’ll call all you bitches Sarah, and then we can have a great big Sarah fuckin’ orgy. How about that?

~~~The women giggle and do cheerleading kicks~~~

Studs: Now, excuse me while I conduct some business. Run along and freshen up.

~~~They collectively run to the restroom.~~~

Studs: Dr.Thrilla, I’m happy to see your dumbass wiggin’ out and tearin’ up your own shit for a change, as it’s now painfully obvious you’re what’s known in the biz as a bridge. You and your fag buddy Paradox are all upset about what? You lost a title after just winning it? You just got picked to bridge the title over to somebody else, and free me up to capture the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS.

Like Stan Stasiak did when he took the belt off Pedro Morales so Bruno could get it back. They didn’t want Bruno to beat Morales, so Stasiak got like a five day run as the bridge. Billy Graham was the same thing, in a sense, although he kept it longer and was actually a draw. Truth is, he bridged from Sammartino to Backlund, he was just a lot better than Stasiak. Learn your history, jerkweed —or fuck knuckles like you are doomed to repeat it.

~~~He rubs his chin for second~~~

Studs: Snitskey, huh? Push, huh? As a matter of FACT, faggots, this is the first time I’ve ever held this piece of shit. I’ve been here eight fuckin’ years. Yeah, I’m gettin’ a fuckin’ push because I do what I do and don’t fuckin’ publically cry when I drop a belt to an inferior, non-entertaining, no-charisma-havin’, shit burger like Thrilla. I was out of the tournament, that’s the way it fuckin’ goes. And if you think I knew beforehand that I was replacin’ Joe BananaFucker, then you’re wrong.

The people who matter know the truth, say whatever you want. I didn’t whine about it.

And finally, I have THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS, and thank God I got it before Plants did, I’d probably kill myself if he got it before me.

Which reminds me, that motherfucker has more lives than Victor Kiriakis. How is he STILL in the hunt for UnFOURgiven?

Plants, I should just take this title right now and scratch off Heidi’s first part of that safe combination, but what fun would that be? We have to keep the marks thinkin’ you still have a chance.

But first, you have to get by Trey and Kevin in the Triple Threat, and then get by myself and The Great at UnFOURgiven. I wouldn’t worry about Paradox, looks like he fucked himself right into a punishment job. Heh.

Good luck fuckers! I’m off to tear Jerri Li a new asshole.


~~~The girls return~~~

Studs: You bitches ready to fuck? Let’s go!

~~~They stand. Steve puts his arms around two of them, the rest mill around behind them as they all exit, whispering and gesturing to each other. ~~~

Studs: Hey, any of you bitches watch football, or fuck football players and have some inside contacts? I need tickets to some Sin City Icons games this year….


rant , , , , , , , , , ,

Bitter Reaction

June 24th, 2008

Mr. Paradox

*The abandoned warehouse that Mr. Paradox and Dr. Thrilla usually film in now looks like it was hit with a cruise missile. Dr. Thrilla himself is carrying a sledgehammer, clanging in fury and putting holes in the walls.*

Dr. Thrilla: *irate metal clanging*

*Cecil enters the scene, wearing riot gear.*

Dr. Thrilla

Cecil: Doctor, calm down. Just because you lost a meaningless title in a parody federation does not mean it’s the end of the world.

Dr. Thrilla: *incredulous metal clanging*

*The doctor hits the wall again, then bites through the wall with his metal teeth.*

Cecil: Do you really think anybody in this organization is fond of Studnuts? Rude jackass heels are a dime a dozen. He’s our equivalent of Gene Snitsky.

Dr. Thrilla: *Pause, chuckling metal clanging*

Cecil: The title will be off of him by the next PPV. Relax.

*Elsewhere in the building, Mr. Paradox hangs his half of the Not Good Enough to Fight Alone title from a hook, attaching a weight to the bottom half.*

Mr. Paradox: Trey, Trey, Trey… Do you really think I’ll accept being another part of your stupid little games?

*He draws his sword.*

Mr. Paradox: I’d rather be a jobber on the bottom of the pile… one step up from XXXtreme Machine… than hold a title alongside you. I used to be the YGBKIADTAYOOYFM champion. This is an insult to me and to my history in BOB.

*His feet shift.*

Mr. Paradox: And why the hell has Studnuts gotten all the push lately? His promos are nothing but the same dick jokes over and over again. I know it’s in our contract that we all job equally, but fuck that.

*The sword lifts, and he holds it out to his side.*

Mr. Paradox: I reject this title, and demand a shot at Studnuts for the Swiss Army Belt. If you do not grant it, I will just lay down and throw the tag titles anyway. Besides, if you don’t give Kevin back his half of the title he might burn down the arena next time.

*Mr. Paradox swings the sword, and then returns to his original stance and resheathes it. The Not Good Enough to Fight Alone belt sways for a moment, and then is cut in half, the weighted bottom half falling to the floor.*

Mr. Paradox: You may need some duct tape.

rant , , , , , , ,

BOB releases Alex Smith, Randall Mooby

June 23rd, 2008
Comments Off on BOB releases Alex Smith, Randall Mooby

BOB Wrestling has released Alex Smith and Randall Mooby.

BOB wishes Smith and Mooby the worst in the future endeavors. Because they’re the suck…

news , , , ,

BOB Wrestling Presents: iMPLOSION 9!

June 23rd, 2008
Comments Off on BOB Wrestling Presents: iMPLOSION 9!

Next Wednesday, Brawlers On a Budget returns to G5 TV with Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION! #9, the final stop before to our next BOB-On-Demand event, UnFOURgiven. has received the following information regarding Wednesday’s iMPLOSION from BOB Vice President In Charge of Everything Trey Vincent:

-Trey Vincent will defend his half of the Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Tag Team Titles against Dr. Silaconne M. Plants and Kevin the Pyromaniac in a triple threat match. The winner of this match will go on to the main event of UnFOURgiven as the partner of Mr. Paradox to face the new ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS Steve Studnuts and the man who holds Swiss Army Belt, The Great!

-Seth Harker will face…the entire BOB Roster? Yes, indeed. In the ultimate handicap match, Seth will face off with the likes of The Great, Axl, Death, Dr. Thrilla, Coma, Düff, Hallucination Boy, Insano Mano, Kamikazie Ken, Kurt Angel, Little Good, Luke Warm, Mr. Paradox, Pete Trable, “The Shit” Duke Thompson, Snapmare Kid, Steve Roydz, and Viruz!

-Steve Studnuts will also be in action, as he takes on Jerri Li in a No DQ match! This one may get hardcore in more than one way with the history these two have together!

-Also, Mr. Fantastic will make his BOB wrestling debut against XXXtreme Machine!

All this and possibly more Wednesday on iMPLOSION! as we get closer to the next BOB-On-Demand mega-event, UnFOURgiven!

Matches already set for UnFOURgiven:

-Grand Slam Finals, Winner Takes Every BOB Title (THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS, Swiss Army Belt, and Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Tag Team Titles): Steve Studnuts© + The Great© vs. Mr. Paradox© + Trey Vincent/Kevin the Pyromaniac/Dr. Silaconne M. Plants!

-Beer In The Belly Ladder Match (winner gets a guaranteed ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS match): Dr. Silaconne M. Plants vs. ?? vs. Axl vs. Steve Roydz vs. ?? vs. Insano Mano!

-T&A XX Division Title Match: Jerri Li vs. Nikki Mantle©!

-Enter The Vortex Match: Viruz vs. Kurt Angel!

-Düff vs. XFactor Pete Trable!