“Face the Truth.”
“SMP… he’s washed up. Hell, he hasn’t even earned the title of BEING washed up! The guy’s barely a blip on the radar! And he has just about as much chance of holding the OWTTM as he does of holding Nurse Heidi… which is about the same chance he has of defeating Trey Vincent, or even Kevin! SMP? He’s a joke.”
“Seth… he’s way too preoccupied with fighting his former best friend to even THINK about the Beer in the Belly Match. And let’s face it… the guy’s… well… he’s full of himself. You just gotta hate people like that. Seth Harker? He’s a joke.”
“Mano… he’s not even worth mentioning, but because I must, THE GUY’S THE BIGGEST JOKE OF THEM ALL.”
“And no matter WHO pins Seth [because you just know there’s no chance in hell Seth’s walking away with the win], whether they be big, small, fat, thin, male, female, or have a hundred legs, a soda can for a nose, and a stick lodged through their head, I WILL CRUSH THEM. For I am NO joke.”
“I am Axl.”
“And I Am better… than… you.”
Rose: AXL! Are you washing the dishes in there, or are you running your DAMN mouth?!
Axl: I’m sorry dear! *mumbling* bitch…
Rose: WHAT WAS THAT?!
Axl: Uh… er, uhm, ah- I said I’m RICH… with love and affection for you, sweetiekins.
Rose: Sure… Just you make sure those pots are spotless, or I’m taking a sharp knife and cutting off that toothpick dick of yours, so I can have TWO holes to shove my strap-on in!
Axl: I’M WASHING, I’M WASHING!
[We open to the kitchen of the Residence of Evil. Axl is busy scrubbing the dishes clean, while Rose sets down on the sofa, picking the meat of a chicken bone, her eyes glued to the tv set. On the screen is Viruz, who is holding a press conference in Sinister City… discussing the details of the X-Station Wii60… and more importantly, the Vortex.]
Viruz: Ladies and gentlemen. I have gathered you here today to reveal the greatness of a gaming console, which will soon be available in stores across the nation. A system that shall revolutionize the way we think of not only video games, but entertainment itself, forEVER. For years, the gamers have been bored with what has been presented to them. I’m telling you, it’s time for a CHANGE! And so, I give you… the X-Station… Wii…SIXTY!!!
[Viruz rips a sheet from off the covered console, unveiling it for the first time… Wait. Is that… a potted plant? …]
Viruz: [looks over at the plant] DAMMIT! Wrong sheet. Wait a minute…
[Viruz turns to the other side, and our camera pans to find another covered console. The sheet is removed… and we find a plate full of pancakes. Wow, this must be the most disorganized unveiling in the history of computer entertainment… or anything for that matter.]
Viruz: Huh. Well, ok, I’ll just say this. It looks cool. … REALLY cool. And it IS real… so don’t start- NO, don’t start leaving! People! Come back- FUCK!
Press Guy: We shoulda known better than to trust someone in a mask to unveil a “cool” gaming system! He’s afraid to show his face, cuz he knows we might come to his house and kick his ass!
Viruz: HA! I scoff! I could kick every last one of your asses!
[A big, burly bastard of a guy steps onto the stage, and gets in Vi’s face.]
Viruz: Uh… maybe… not EVERY last one of you? Heheh… *gulp*
[The focus switches back to the living room of the Residence of Evil, as we hear loud crashing noises coming from the set.]
Rose: Ugh… leave it to Axl’s nerdy brother to have his face pounded in by the press. I guess you could say Vi’s one guy who didn’t want to “MEET THE PRESS”, bwahahahahahahahahaha! … Crickets.
: . . . meanwhile . . . :
[We head on over to “Blah-Mart”, the local supermarket of Sinister City. Pigeon is sitting atop a display of Diet Cherry Vannilla Chocolate ‘Pipsa’ Cola, legs dangling, both of them in a cast. He broods.]
Pigeon: Pipsa… the Cola of a New Generation. A generation on the brink of a total and unequivocal meltdown. A meltdown that will bring this sordid mortal coil to its knees. Knees dirty with the mud of a forgotten youth.
Pigeon: Quoth the Pigeon… Product Placement Rules.
[Steve Roydz walks into the scene, wearing a wig of dreadlocks, along with short black spandex, with the letter “T” on the back. His entire body is covered with black-flesh-colored make-up… This can’t be good.]
Roydz: Stevie Roydz is on like a pot ah chicken bone, dawg! Save the drama fo’ ya mammy, dawg! I’m black, bitch dawg! Once ya go black, ya go deaf, dawg! It’s time to hate the game and dawg the playa’, dawg! You want some, come get some, best be big nuff’ bad nuff take some, you don’t like me, bite me, you best be big nuff, bad nuff… uh… DAWG!
[“Stevie” tries to perform a Spinaroonie, but only succeeds in smacking his feet into the display…]
[Pigeon falls off the display… all of the cans tumbling down upon him as he collides with the floor.]
Pigeon: MY ARMS! NOW HOW WILL I FLAP THEM!!! YOU STUPID SON-OF-A-
Stevie: You DIDN’T say that! TELL ME… you didn’t just say that! Now can you shovel that…
: . . . meanwhi –
: . . . meanwhile . . . :
Axl: Hello… Oh, Lord Vader, I- … Choose? Between what? … My success, and…. you can’t be serious? But… I- I understand. It’s just… yes, I know. I have to take a stand if I expect to master the power of the dark side. And to do so – I must choose. I… I will… Soon. … Tonight? … Fine. I’ll… I’ll see you tonight. Goodbye…
|where one door closes… another door opens|