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The Great gets ready for Implosion Eight

May 31st, 2008

The Great

(In St. Louis, Missouri, The Great has called for a “family meeting.” The wife deeply sighs, the kids moan, the Mother in Law says, “Whah whah whuh, WHAH?” and Pete Trable pretty much says the same thing, which was, “What da f—k, n—–a?”.

Regardless of the unwillingness, everybody attends the meeting. They are all lined up on the couch, from left to right:

The wife, 15 year old Lori, 10 year old Nick, Pete Trable, 5 year old Johnny, and the Mother in Law, who now wishes to be known as O.G. Granny Master Flash, wearing a bathrobe, a large gold chain, sunglasses (Blu-Blockers) and a black leather pimp hat. The Great paces in front of them. )

“The Great”: As you all well know, The Great survived The Royal Flush Rumble and has advanced to the final eight of the Grand Slam Tournament. The Great was fortunate to draw a very lucky entry into the Rumble, and avoided disaster when the Pete Trable cyborg as a weapon fiasco went awry.

Little Johnny: Ah yes. This we must discuss. Did I not inform you that purified water minus electrolytes was absolutely paramount in initiating the regeneration process? You used electrolyte-enhanced water, didn’t you?

“The Great”: The Great is not sure. The Great used bottled water and The Great didn’t really bother to read the ingredients. The Great didn’t think water had ingredients other than clearness and liquid. Water is water.

Little Johnny: NO! Water is most certainly NOT water, you imbecile! Now, thanks to your blundering on national television, I’ve been made a fool. I’ve been exposed, unjustly, as a charlatan whose creations do not work. How do you suppose I’m going to be invited to the Evil Geniuses of Genocidal Inventions Conventions for the late September, early October sessions? I’ll be ridiculed!

XFactor Pete Trable

Pete: Ridiculed? Damn, yo, you don’t even know ridicule until you’re naked in front of a crowd and they be chantin’, “You got shrinkage.”

Lori: Hmmm, I don’t know about that. They used a lot of pixilation. Hee hee!

Little Johnny: No, they really didn’t. You did have shrinkage, Peter. I’ve seen children in Pre-K, getting their diapers changed, more hung than you.

Pete: YO! What up wit dat?!

The Mother in Law: Whurd!

“The Great”: Son, The Great apologizes. The Great needed a weapon and The Great couldn’t think of one right away.

Little Johnny: Father, there are times I’m embarrassed to be of your loins. I’ve not even completed my calculations with the cyborg pills, they’re not even ready for use. Otherwise, nimwit, I’d have conquered the world by now. And then you go and use that generic, DIRTY water. It’s a wonder there wasn’t a dangerous chain reaction from incongruent ingredients that caused a mutated side effect even I couldn’t remedy. I swear, there are times I think I could remove your brain, shove it up a gnat’s rectum, shake the gnat violently, and you brain would ricochet around in there like an Air-Soft pellet in Epcot Center.

“The Great”: Son? You’re headed for a spanking, young man.

Little Johnny: I’m sorry! Please forgive me, Father. I’m just really upset right now.

“The Great”: Well, so is The Great. Very upset. The Great’s next match is an encounter with Dr. Thrilla, The Swiss Army Champion. If The Great is victorious, The Great goes on to the final match at UnFOURgiven. But that has not upset The Great. What has upset The Great is that The Great has been accused of forcing some family members, namely “a son”, into Brawlers on a Budget promos, and has been called an abomination of a man for doing such.

Little Johnny: What in the blue flames of Hades is Brawlers on a Budget?

The Great’s wife: It’s that STUPID wrestling thing your dad is doing INSTEAD of getting a REAL second job so we can get LOTS of THINGS we NEED.

Little Johnny: Oh, is that why that strange man snuck into my room the other night? He was an employee of a wrestling promotion? What a relief, I thought it was a Catholic priest trying to cop some video footage of me convalescing in my Jimmy Neutron briefs.

“The Great”: Okay, that’s just about enough of that. The Great says Johnny needs to—-

Nick: Know his role and shut his mouth?

“The Great”: Um, no. The Great is putting Johnny on the back burner. Johnny? Quit talking so much. This is about The Great. Not the Great’s family.

The Great’s wife: Oh no! Hold on a minute! For Christ’s sake. JESUS! For Christ’s sake! It’s ALWAYS about the family!

“The Great”: Not this time. This time, it’s about The Great. The Great is putting The Great’s foot down. The Great needs to be devoid of distraction. The Great, needs to concentrate. The Great, needs to evaluate. The Great, needs to formulate. Then, The Great will dominate.

(The Great directly faces the camera)

“The Great”: Dr. Thilla. You’ve been placed into a very precarious position. On the one hand, you could become the first man in the Brawlers on a Budget to defeat The Great. On the other, you could become the first, of many, men The Great has taken a championship from. The Great assumes a D.Q. win for The Great is not good enough. Only the champions make it to the Grand Slam Finale, and titles don’t switch on D.Q.’s as The Great learned against Death. Therefore, one of us is getting pinned or submitted. One way or the other, Dr. Thrilla, wrestling The Great will make you famous.

Nick: Dad?

“The Great”: Yeah, son?

Nick: Am I still allowed to talk in your promo things?

“The Great”: The Great supposes so.

Nick: Good. Can I have a X-Station Wii60 and The Vortex?!


(As the family members scamper in various directions, O.G. Granny Master Flash stands in front of Pete Trable and opens her bathrobe. )

Pete: DAMN, YO! Where dat pixilation at, dogg! Granny Master FLASH, fo’ sho’!

The Mother in Law: Whuh whuh whuh whah whah.

Pete: What? I showed you mine, you show me yours? Yo, I didn’t show you, I was at a wrestling show, girl! Back dat train up!

The Mother in Law: Whuh whah?

Pete: Oh, HELL NAH! Not DAT train!

Lori: MOM! Granny’s rump shaking again!

The Great’s wife: Mom, stop shaking your rear at Pete! Mom? MOTHER! Stop that right now!

(Cut to commercial.)

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